Prologue of a Prince

Take it easy ‘kiddo! Why are you in such a rush anyway?

2009-04-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

Most people are rushing their way through life. They fail to take the time necessary to nurture their relationships, feed their mind, relax their body or get in touch with their soul's desire for freedom and peace.

Life moves relentlessly forward one day at a time, and there is nothing any of us can do to stop it or slow it down.

We are all getting older every day, but we don't have to grow older every day. Taking time to day-dream, visit a friend, or just have coffee with your significant other is time well-spent.

There is a rush to tomorrow by all of us. We are being prodded into the future by faster computers, shorter delivery times, and a general need to have it, do it, and see it all: NOW!

Take time today for yourself.

Take time to breathe in life, all of it: its color, splendor, smells, tastes, and sounds. From the smallest most insignificant event to the things you have taken for granted.

Tomorrow will be here before you know it.

Today will be a distant memory before you realize it. We create our futures and memories in the present. Go through life today, conscious of your surroundings.

Today is a gift of life.

Live it with gratitude and don't let the sun set today without seeing it, embracing it, and enjoying it.

Why are you in such a rush anyway?

You can't have it all, do it all, learn it all, see it all, become it all, teach it all, in one lifetime so why frustrate yourself and those who are in your immediate life circle with this relentless drive for whatever.

I am not suggesting "vegetable status" here. I am only asking you to evaluate your life philosophy and this need for something - that is missing in your life - and trying to make up for it by an over zealous push for something, anything.

One way to determine where you fit on this do nothing to trying to do everything continuum is to honestly get in touch with your ability to do NOTHING. Just sit or walk and reflect.

No agenda, no deadline, just a laid back approach to life once in a while.

“Hintay ka lang, it will come in the right time!!”

2009-03-27T23:38:00.000-07:00

This entry is going to be short, but the whole concept of perfection has been bugging me for a long time already.

I get really annoyed at people who wait for everything to happen at the "perfect" time. --- “Hintay ka lang, it will come in the right time!!” --- I mean, to an extent that's fine, but when you start delaying everything indefinitely just waiting for this mythical time of perfectness, you miss out on a whole lot of stuff that you could have had in the meantime.

Life is going on while you wait for your little "perfect" time, it's not going to stop for you to lollygag your "perfect" little way along your "perfect" little road waiting for your "perfect" little moments to smack you upside the face.

There comes a point where life's going to say "The hell with it" and move on.

There's always going to be a more perfect time for something to happen. You have to accept that as a given and work with what the world hands your way. It may not be "perfect", but isn't something slightly less than perfect better than nothing at all?

Why do things need to start "perfect", anyway? Why can't they build to "perfect"? What happens if you get to that "perfect" moment and the newness of it causes something to happen which spoils the "perfect"ness of it? You just had your one "perfect" moment, and you blew it.

Now what?

Perfect is what you make it.

Perfect doesn't come to you, you must find it.

A Few Fries Short of A Happy Meal

2009-03-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

So, I'm on this road again. I am walking alone. I have nowhere to go. No safe base to call home.

As I walk and walk, I fall.

I reach up and someone grabs my hand, and helps me stand tall. He tells me all sorts of sweet things. He says that he'll always be there. He leads me into a false sense of security.

Then leaves as if he never cared.

Now, I am left standing on the same road. The sun is blocked by the trees. I cry for my lost love, then fall to my knees.

As I am sobbing out loud and wiping my tears, along comes a young man. He promises me years. I walk with this one. I can see the sun once more. I am so happy, not sad. I love him to the core. As we walk and talk and kiss, and hug (like young lovers do), in bounce to people.

Their faces are not new. The first one is my lost love. He is returning to have me as his prize. I belong to nobody but him. Well, at least in his eyes.

The second one is my current love, a friend, who is the carrier of bad news. He seems to want to tell me that my love is the one I will now lose. He tells me nothing but the truth. He doesn't want to break my heart, but he tells me that the sun isn't always going to shine, and me and my love will soon part.

My first love is also telling me that me and my second love were never meant to be.

So, now I am stuck on this road again, all alone and I cry.

Why do people fall in love?

When all that love does is die?

To All The Single Ladies

2009-03-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

And the men?

Well, that’s a different story.

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

When Lovers Become "Just Friends"

2009-03-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

You wanna know what the truth is?

Okay.

I still love you and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can't just be your buddy or your best friend with or without benefits…

Because as much as I enjoy the concept of being "just friends", in reality it's a bizarre form of torture and I’m just not willing to participate in it.

So, right now what I wanna do is just move on and get over you…

Let me be.

Allow me to love the life I have without you… far from your embrace… far from your sight… far from what we used to have.

And the only way for me to do that… is to not be around you anymore…

At least for now.

Midnight Thoughts

2009-03-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

You cannot die of grief, though it feels as if you can.

A heart does not actually break, though sometimes your chest aches as if it is breaking. Grief dims with time. It is the way of things. There comes a day when you smile again, and you feel like a traitor.

How dare I feel happy.

How dare I be glad in a world where my ex-boyfriend is no more.

And then you cry fresh tears, because you do not miss him as much as you once did, and giving up your grief is another kind of death.

It’s a whole new kind of death…

And afterwards… if you’re lucky enough to survive, you learn to live and love again.

PLEASE ADD MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT

2009-03-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

Hi people,

Please add me on your facebook account.

Search:

Name: Prince Marvin Garcia

Email address: princemarvin10@yahoo.com

I'll be waiting.

Prince Marvin Garcia's Profile

Create Your Badge

Sign up for Love

2009-03-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

Ultimately, they find out everything:

How you chew.

How you sip.

How you hum.

How you dance.

How you smell at every point in the day.

How you are on the phone with your mother.

The fact that many of your friends are shallow.

That you always have to sit on the aisle.

How you never really listen.

How whiny you get when you travel.

How you're not gracious to his friends when they call.

How certain game shows make you really really happy.

How cranky you get because you're too stupid to remember to eat.

How you manage to get confrontational only when it's with the absolute wrong person to be yelling at.

How you don't like the way you look in any picture you've taken since 1992.

How you're unable to get off the phone when you're running late because you don't have the ability to say, “This isn't a good time; can I call you back?”

How you have to lick certain fruits before actually eating them.

How you have no ability to save receipts...

So how do you know if they really like you? As in really, really like you?

If after all these things… they still want to sign on.

They still like you.

Game Not Over

2009-03-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

Life is not a spectator sport; win, lose or draw, the game is in progress whether we want it to be or not.

So go ahead, argue with the refs, change the rules, cheat a little, take a break and tend to your wounds.

But play hard.

Play fast.

Play loose and free.

Play as if there's no tomorrow.

Ok so, it’s not whether you win or lose its how you play the game, right?

Quick Fix

2009-03-05T08:59:00.000-08:00

As partners, as friends, as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns.

And just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts...

And knocks you off your feet.

If you're lucky, you'll end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a bandaid will cover.

But, some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip of the bandaid, let them breathe and give them time to heal.

Ang labo nito ‘tsong! Mas malabo pa sa malinaw!

2009-03-02T21:56:00.000-08:00

Ayokong hanapin mo ako dahil sa hindi mo ako makita, (malabo) dahil sa hindi mo ako maramdaman. (malabo pa rin)

Nitong nagdaang mga araw, nagbabago ako ng anyo. Isa akong yelo, na nakakulong sa bakal na puno ng kalawang. Hindi tumatakbo ang oras. Paano ako makakawala nang hindi natutunaw? Nang hindi nadudumhan?

Kung dumating ang oras na maghahanap ka, puntahan mo ang nagliliparang alikabok. Isa ako sa kanila. At kung sakaling mapuwing ka, isipin mong ako ang pumupuwing sa 'yo para di ka masaktan. Gusto kong maramdaman mo ang aking presensya nang hindi ako nakikita.

Kung madaan ka sa mga halaman, 'wag kang kukuha ni isang dahon man lang, baka ako ang iyong mapitas, malulungkot ako.

Pag ninais kong muling magbagong anyo, (ayoko pa) 'wag kang umasang makita ako, mag-iiba ako ng porma’t disenyo.

Kung mapadaan ka sa umaagos na tubig, damhin mo iyon ng iyong mga palad. Wag mong punasan, isipin mo ako, hayaan mong matuyo at saka ako maglalaho.

Isipin mo lang akong tumatawa, tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa. Isipin mo lang akong tinotopak, at tawagin mo akong baliw, hindi pa rin ako masasaktan, tulad ng dati.

Hindi mo man ako makita, hindi ako lalayo. Magbago man ako ng anyo, ako pa rin ako. 'Wag mo na akong hanapin dahil hindi ako nagtatago, pero hindi ako magpapakita. Hayaan mong lumipas ang panahon... hanggang sa naisin kong ilapit ang langit sa aking puso... doon lang ako magiging malaya.

P.S.

Hindi ako lumilimot, at hindi ako lilimot. Gusto ko lang maglakbay ng walang anino... ng walang kasaysayan para sa isang kaibigan.

Patawad.

Salamin, salamin, salamin sa dilim...

2009-02-28T21:39:00.000-08:00

"Musta lakad mo kanina? Parang masigla ka ata." Sabi mo habang naghuhubad ako ng sapatos.

"Ayos lang. Nagkita uli kami."

"Sino? Ang dati mong boyfriend?"

"Oo. Naghiwalay na ata sila ng boyfriend niya. Nagtext siya sa kin kagabi kung pwede daw kaming magkwentuhan. Di pumunta ako. Parang wala naman kaming pinagsamahan kung di ako pupunta, di ba?"

"Sa bagay. Bakit naman daw ikaw ang tinext niya? Wala ba siyang ibang matext?"

"Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam. Ang dami namang nanliligaw sa kanya. Malay mo miss nya ako?"

"Asa ka pa. Ano naman kwinento sa iyo"

"Birthday niya kasi nung December. Bakit daw hindi ko siya tinawagan. Hindi ko rin daw siya niregaluhan noong pasko. Hindi ko nga siya maintindihan kasi hindi naman niya ako boyfriend. "

"Baka naman na-realize niya na ikaw mahal niya."

"Hindi ko alam. Sinabi rin niya yung naging problema nila ng boyfriend niya kaya nagkahiwalay sila. Pumayat nga siya. Parang ang daming iniisip. Pinapatawa ko nga eh."

"Ano namang pakiramdam noong nagkita kayo? Ngayon lang kayo nagkausap uli pagkatapos ng hiwalayan ninyo di ba?"

"Oo. Wala lang."

"Sige matutulog na ko. Bukas na lang tayo magkwentuhan uli."

Napansin mo siguro na natahimik ako. Naalala ko kasi ang mga matang yon. Kahit hindi niya sabihin sa kin. Alam kong iba pa rin mahal niya. Akala ko wala na kong mararamdaman nang magkita kami pero bakit naiinggit ako sa lalaking yun? Noon pinili kong lumayo para makasama niya mahal niya. Pero nasaktan lang pala siya. Naisip ko siguro mabait lang siya sa akin ngayon kasi wala siyang makausap. Pero naniniwala pa rin ako sa lahat ng sinasabi niya. Habang nag-uusap kami gusto ko siyang yakapin. Gusto kong sabihin na mahal ko pa rin siya. Pero hindi ko nagawa.

Gusto ko pa sanang makipagkwentuhan sa iyo pero inaantok ka na pala. Sige bukas na lang kita kakausapin, pagharap ko uli sa salamin.

Kwentong Langgam: May Lablayp Din Pala Sila

2009-02-28T21:31:00.000-08:00

May nasalubong akong pulang langgam kanina.

"O, saan ka papunta?" tanong ko.

"Dyan lang sa may kanto. Susunduin ko gerpren ko, " sagot ng langgam.

"Pwede palang magka-gerpren ang tulad mo? Worker ant ka lang di ba? 'Kala ko yung mga nagkaka-gerpren lang eh yung mga yumayari sa reyna nyo..."

"Aaah, dyan kayo nagkakamali. Kahit naman worker lang ranggo namin, may karapatan rin naman kaming ma-inlab," mabilis na tugon ng langgam.

"Eh paano mo nalalaman kung sino ang gerpren mo sa daan-daang langgam na nasasalubong mo araw-araw?" muling tanong ko.

"Sus, para kang hindi MBB grad! Shempre, pheromone tsong. Actually, bawat isa sa amin ay may unique na pheromone...'kumbaga sa pabango eh signature scent ba. In fact, I'm wearing a Chanel Pheromone right now!" pa-konyong tugon ni langgam.

"A, ganun ba? Medyo na-sense ko nga. Mukhang naligo ka sa pheromone ah! O, sige, bilisan mo at baka mainip gerpren mo sa paghintay sa 'yo sa may kanto. Mahaba-haba pa itong lalakarin mo."

"Kaya nga eh...baka pwedeng maki-hitch sa sapatos mo?"

"No problem. Sige kapit ka lang. Mga ilang hakbang lang naman ito para sa akin eh," tugon ko.

Kumapit si langgam sa nakalawit na sintas at umakyat sa aking sapatos. Maya-maya ng kaunti ay may natanaw nga akong naghihintay na isa pang langgam sa may kanto. Ito na nga marahil ang gerpren na naghihintay dahil nakita kong sobrang na-excite itong langgam na ngayon ay nakabitin na sa dulo ng sintas ng sapatos at handang bumaging na ala-tarzan sa direksyon ng kasintahang naghihintay.

Napasigaw na lang ako ng "Sandali!!!", nang biglang umigkas itong si langgam at napailalim sa suwelas ng aking sapatos. Huli na ang lahat at kahit bakas ni langgam ay hindi ko makita sa sementadong kalsada. Ni impit na hiyaw ay hindi nakatakas mula sa naipit na nilalang.

Samantala, ang kasintahang langgam ay nanatiling nakatayo sa tabing kalsada habang ang hangin ay nagsimoy Chanel Pheromone. At nangilid ang luha sa aking mga mata hindi dahil sa tapang ng halimuyak na pumalaot sa hangin kundi dahil sa nasasaksihan kong pagluluksa ng isang pusong naulila.

Autopsy on a Spoiled Girlfriend

2009-02-25T22:58:00.000-08:00

No cracks, no fractures, no missing bones whatsoever.

Taxi cabs were her favorite way to go around the city. The boyfriend would open the car door for her and assist her while getting off the vehicle. She would take his offered hand like a princess getting off a lovely carriage. She would tell his boyfriend, "That's what boyfriends are for." Her boyfriend would nod in approval, kiss her on her forehead and smile. Her every step was watched. Her boyfriend is her safety scout. Sweet.

"If you don't take care of me, I'll break up with you."

No pulled, strained muscles.

She did not suffer from any forms of fatigue. Her life was a bliss. No need to rush to a convenient store to grab a midnight snack. Her boyfriend would offer his phone and she would call the delivery hotline. And on those days when it was not possible to have the food delivered, he would buy it himself, not minding the time nor the weather. No need to go to a spa to relax. He would light an essence lamp and ask her to lay on her tummy. He would then sooth her tired muscles using his bare hands. He was not really good at this but it pleased her. "That's what boyfriends are for," she would think.

"Buy me food, or else I'll break up with you."

Perfect condition, from mouth to the intestines.

She was well-fed. Where to eat, what to eat.. it was her choice. Her every craving was satisfied. He would also introduce her to restaurants and plates she had never tried before. She would think it was fantastic. She would gain weight and think that was her boyfriend's fault. He would smile and tell her that how attractive she still was. Compliments. That's what boyfriends are for.

"Tell me I'm the prettiest or we're through."

Clean lungs. Healthy heart.

There was no way second-hand smoke could have harmed her. He was not a smoker. He lived a healthy life and so did she. He would take her to the country side and she would enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. He had to suspend several business trips so they could go together. Because according to her, that's what boyfriends are for.

"Let's go, or I'll find another boyfriend to take me there."

No signs of depression.

Hers was a worry-free life. Before she could even detect the problem, he already resolved it for her. She was trained not to care, not to worry about almost everything. Worrying was his job. That's what boyfriends are for. He would be sick but he would tell her not to worry. He would buy and take his medicines all by himself. She would be sick and he would worry to death. A simple migraine and he would panic.

"Make the pain go away, or you'll lose me."

She was in perfect health the night he left her and yet she was found dead the following morning.

One day I decided to quit...

2009-02-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality. .. I wanted to quit my life.

I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.

"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"

His answer surprised me...

"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"

"Yes", I replied.

“When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo…”

“In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.” He said.

"In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed…”

"I would not quit." He said.

"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. .. But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."

He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots."

"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.“

“Don't compare yourself to others..." He said. “The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern... Yet, they both make the forest beautiful." “Your time will come,“ God said to me."You will rise high!"

“How high should I rise?" I asked. “How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return. "As high as it can?” I questioned. "Yes." He said.

"Give me glory by rising as high as you can."

I left the forest and bring back this story.

I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.

He will never give up on you.

Never regret a day in your life.

Good days give you happiness. Bad days give you experiences; both are essential to life.

A happy and meaningful life requires our continuous input and creativity. It does not happen by chance. It happens because of our choices and actions. And each day we are given new opportunities to choose and act and, in doing so, we create our own unique journey.

Keep going... Happiness keeps you Sweet, Trials keep you Strong, Sorrows keep you Human, Failures keep you humble , Success keeps You Glowing, but Only God keeps You Going!

Famous Break-up Lines

2009-02-17T18:20:00.000-08:00

Here are some famous Break-up Lines... Do some of these lines ring a bell? Has anyone ever dumped you before? Well... here are some of the most obvious, insensitive and often over used break up lines...

1. "I just realized that I don't want to be touched."
(Virgin ka ‘te?)

2. "I'm confused and I need some time out to find myself!!!"
(Eto flashlight, go look for yourself!)

3. "Maybe this is not the right time for us."
(Anak ng tipaklong! di na kita tatanggapin ulit no?! Bakit? anong oras ba dapat?! alas-otso?????)

4. "Di kita maalagaan ng tulad ng ineexpect mo. You deserve someone better. That's not me."
(Bakit sinabi ko bang gusto ko ng YAYA????)

5. "Lasing lang ako kagabi. Sorry."
(Eh ako ba lasing? Sino nagsabi sa iyo na manligaw ka ng lasing!)

6. "We are too different from each other."
(Bakit anong klaseng ANIMAL ka??)

7. "We have to meet other people to see what it's like to be with someone else. I'm giving you that choice. If you come back to me, we'll both be better from having chosen freely"
(HoY! mga palusot mo! break kung ayaw mo na...dami mo pang satsat eh! )

8. "Someday, hahanapin kita, when we're both ready. When we don't care about the odds. Kung tayo talaga, tayo rin in the end, di ba?"
(Tarantado! Tataguan na kita! kala mo magpapahanap ako!!)

9. "I really think that we should break up." "Why?" "Because I don't know if I still love you."
(Tapos next week may kasama na siyang iba. Olrayt sa okei!)

10. "I just realized I haven't had time to walk my dog..."
( O cge! lakad mo na rin buong pamilya mo! magsama kayo ng aso mo!)

11. "It's not you, it's me...
(Buti alam mo!)

12."Talagang kapatid/kaibigan lang ang turing ko sa'yo, e. Let's keep it that way."
(Ganun mo pala ituring ang kapatid/kaibigan mo...tsk... tsk...)

13. “We are not growing anymore"
(nakalimutan ko nasa talampakan pala ang utak mo)

14. "I don't have feelings for you anymore."
(Wala ka kasing puso!)

15. "I need space..."
(Edi dun ka sa OUTER SPACE!)

16. "Mahahanap mo rin ang para sa iyo. Good luck na lang."
(Magtago kang mabuti ha, ayaw na kitang Makita.)

17. "We don't fit in together."
(Oo, ang taba mo kse. )

18. "Sorry kisses, di ka gusto ng mama ko"
(Hindi ko rin naman gusto ang nanay mo!)

19. "Sorry, I just realized mas gusto ko sa lalake "
(Eh di umamin ka rin! bakla!)

20. "let's call it QUITS! "
(QUITS mo mukha mo! Ano to laro?)

21. "Pupunta na ako sa America and I won't come back. Don't follow me there, please."
(Bakit sa AMerica? bakit hndi na lang sa IRAQ?)

22. " Na Realize ko mahal ko pa pala Ex ko/ mas mahal ko pala bestfriend ko"
(Sinong Ex?? May pumatol pa pala sayo?!?!?!?!)

23. " Masyado kang Bata "
(Mamasan pala ang gusto mo.)

24. " Kung talagang tayo kahit saang sulok ng mundo magtatagpo tayo"
(Hinding hindi na tayo magtatagpo.)

25. It was not meant to be ... so honey i am setting you free to look for your destiny"
(May pa-destiny destiny ka pang nalalaman...)

26. "our time together was beautiful ... but i realized that there are still things i like to discover so ...."
(Ikaw ba si Magellan???)

27. "You are too immature for me..."
(OO na, MAMASAN nga ang gus2 mo eh.)

28. "It seems that we are not compatible with each other."
(Hindi nga, TAO ako, HAYUP ka!)

29. "Tama na. Ayoko na. "
(Eh di WAG!!!!)

30. “I’ve decided to move on with my life... "
(Go on, basta wag ka ng magpapakita.)

31. "DI NA KITA MAHAL?"
(Ako ba tinanong mo kung mahal pa kita?)

Minsan sa buhay ng isang tao . . . masarap magmahal . . . pero pag iniwan ka nang taong mahal mo . . . Eto lang ang masasabi mo . . ."Minsan lang magmahal ang pusong tanga.”

Ikaw? Ano ang break up line mo?

Why Women Cry

2009-02-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

YM Conversation (Issue No. 3)

2009-02-15T13:55:00.000-08:00

Him: Marvin?

Me: A*****n ? Ikaw ba yan?

Him: Ako nga ‘to bhe. =)

Me: Kumusta ka na? Long time ahhh... ilang taon ba? Isa? Dalawa? Buhay ka pa pala.

Him: Grabe ka lang, nag tetext kaya ako syo.

Me: Oo nga pala... ng mga forwarded quotes. LOL.

Him: Minsan lang. Hehehe. Musta na si mommy mo?

Me: Ok naman. She’s doing better now. Medyo, she has to watch her diet and make sure na she gets enough rest every day. Hindi na din pwede masyado magpagod. Pero okay naman sya. Bakit mo natanong?

Him: Wala naman. Napanaginipan ko kse sya nung isang gabi eh.

Me: Ahhhh....

Him: Sorry, hindi na ako nakadalaw nung nasa hospital sya.

Me: Ok na sa amin yung mga prayers nyo. =)

Him: May boy friend ka na?

Me: Bakit ba lahat kayo tinatanong nyo ako nyan. Uso ba yan ngayon?

Him: Hindi naman, gusto ko lang malaman.

Me: Wala po. Single.

Him: Pwede kita ligawan ulit?

Me: Huh?

Him: Seryoso ako? Okay lang ba?

Me: Lasing ka ba o bored ka lang? After 2 years, babalik ka at sasabihin mo sa akin yan? Anong gusto mo naman maniwala ako?

Him: Kailan ba kita niloko?

Me: Hindi naman yun yung point ko eh. I mean why me? why now? Naubusan ka na ba ng pwedeng i date? Hahaha.

Him: Seryoso yung tao, pinagtatawanan mo. =(

Me: Ano ba kseng nakain mo?

Him: Wala. Na mimiss ko lang yung dati. Babawi ako ngayon promise. Dami kong kasalanan the last time eh.

Me: Kasalanan? Ano ka ba. Naghiwalay tayo ng walang sama ng loob sa isa’t isa diba. Nag usap tyo ng maayos noon. It was a mutual decision. Walang may kasalanan, there are just some things na hindi talaga meant to be. Parang tyo, we are just meant to be friends.

Him: So pwede nga kita ulit ligawan?

Me: Siguro mas okay na wag na lang. Friends na lang tayo. I think we are better off like this.

Him: Ganun. =(

Me: Opo.

Him: Hindi ka ba masaya nung tyo?

Me: Saan naman nanggaling yan? Syempre masaya. Sino ba naman ang makakalimot sa pagkain natin kay Babadji (na sarado na pala ngayon), na kinaibigan mo pa si ate para dagdagan lagi yung ulam natin at lagi pa tayong may soup. Hahahaha.

Him: Syempre, ma diskarte ang asawa mo noon eh. Sarado na sila? Saan ka na kumakain?

Me: Oo naman. Matagal na. Madami namang ibang kainan doon dba. =)

Him: Eh yung mga plato nasa bahay pa?

Me: Oo naman. Kasama ng mga mangkok, tasa, kutsara at tinidor na ninakaw mo pa sa cabinet ng mommy mo. Hahahaha. Kapag nag ta take out ako ng food, ginagamit ko yun, pero syempre bihira lang naman mangyari yun dahil tinatamad akong magdala ng food sa bahay kaya parati lang akong kumakain sa labas.

Him: Edi ginamit yun ng mga ex mo?

Me: Syempre naman. Ano namang gagamitin nila eh yun lang naman ang gamit ko sa bahay. Hehehe. Hayaan mo, sasabihin ko magpa thank you syo.

Him: Hmmmmp! Wag na.

Me: Asan na yung lover mong matanda? Tandang tanda ko pa. Doon ako nagsimulang magalit sa mga matatandang bading. Parati kse nilang inaagaw ang mga syota ko eh. Hahahaha.

Him: Wala na kme noon.

Me: Bakit eh love na love mo kaya yun. Imagine binura mo pa ako sa friendster dahil ayaw nya. Doon ka pa sa kanila tumira. Friends mo pa yung mga friends nya. Pero alam mo, naintindihan ko naman yun. You were starting a life with him at hindi naman makakatulong kung lagi ka pa ding magiging updated sa mga nangyayari sa kin dba.

Him: Sorry.

Me: No need to say sorry. Ito ang gusto kong maintindihan mo. We are where we are now because this is exactly where we are supposed to be. 2 years ago, siguro hindi pa natin maiintindihan, pero ngayon, everything makes perfect sense. Nangyari ang dapat mangyari for us to become better individuals. Even if we did not end up together, nag grow naman tyo dba... and now we know better.

Him: Kung may babalikan ka sa aming mga ex mo, sinong babalikan mo?

Me: Wow. Bigat! Parang the buzz lang. Tough ten question number seven. Hahaha. Hmmm.... yung totoo? Wala.

Him: Wala? Bakit? =(

Me: Because we had our chance. Tayo, kami... lahat... we were all given a chance. Pero kung hindi kayo, hindi kayo right? Yun nga ang natutunan ko eh, that time is never enough kaya you have to make the most of every moment. Walang assurance ang mga bagay bagay, pwedeng magkatabi kayo natulog ngayon pero wala na pala sya pag gising mo. The only way not to regret is to give it your all. Sabi nga dba, you have to love and give until it hurts no more. Kaya wala akong pipiliing balikan. Wala akong pipiliting ayusin. Why waste your time trying to make ends meet kung alam nyo naman na sa huli ay hindi rin kayo. I would rather waste my time waiting for the right guy and be ready and worthy when he comes my way.

Him: Give? Eh give na nga lang ako ng give, wala ng natira sa akin.

Me: Mali ka dyan. You never run out of love. Hindi ka pwede maubusan dahil hindi naman nila nakukuha syo ang pagmamahal mo. That’s the beauty of loving, the more you give, the more you gain. Pwedeng at certain times magkulang o sumobra kaya pero hindi ka mauubusan kailanman ng pagmamahal dahil kahit minsan hindi naman nakukuha ng ibang tao ang mga bagay na kusa nating ibinibigay sa kanila.

Him: That makes sense. Thank you.

Me: Thank you din. You came into my life during my lowest moment. Kung hindi ka dumating noon, hindi ko alam where I’d be now. Thank you for taking good care of my heart kahit hindi ka naman cardiologist.

Him: Hahaha. Hayaan mo, mag dodoktor ako. Miss you Bhe.
Me: Marvin na lang. =) Reserve mo na lang yan sa next boyfriend mo.

Him: =) I’ll see you around.

Me: Remember, no surprise visits.

Him: I can’t promise that.

Me: Bahala ka, hindi kita pagbubuksan ng pinto.

Him: Ingat ka. Miss you like hell.

Me: Same here. Nice to hear from you again.

Love is...many small pieces of you (and more)

2009-02-10T22:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, everyone (but me) was out on a date. People were busy spending their money to celebrate their love, declare their love or prove their love to their better halves. While the whole world is busy loving, I decided to write about love instead...

LOVE IS...

Calling you every day, just to hear your voice.

Dancing on the side of the highway, just to have an excuse to hold you close while I’m stressed.

Kissing you when you have cough, and not ever caring if I catch it too.

Never letting my eyes wander from yours, even when we’re naked.

Telling you I love you every chance I get, even if you already know.

Not playing that song every single time you ask, because I don’t want you to get sick of it.

Screaming myself hoarse at one of our friends, just because he made you upset.

Telling you about my past, even though I do my best to forget.

Enjoying your faults as much as your good points.

Being unable to sleep without you in my arms.

Liking the friend that makes you happy sometimes, even if I think he’s a flirt.

Not screaming like a sissy when your mom calls me, even though she scares the shit out of me.

Crying as I leave town, even though I know I’ll be back.

Knowing how beautiful you are, even when you don’t feel like it.

Going at your pace, and then being slightly molested when you felt ready.

Dropping everything I want to do with a smile on my face, for something you want to do.

My heart melting when you answer the phone, even if you’re half asleep and grumped.

The best moment of my life being there when you cried, and I was able to hold you and tell you everything was alright.

Singing for you because you like it.

Telling you to call me whenever you want, even though I love to sleep.

Smiling like an idiot every time you tell me how much you like me.

Rubbing your nose with mine, just so we’re touching.

Knowing how to behave, and just not wanting to around you.

Making you laugh, and feeling like everything is right with the world when you do.

Feeling like everything is right with the world whenever you speak.

Always wondering if there is someone better for you, but knowing there’s no one better for me.

Making jokes at your expense during monster movie night, and then feeling like shit about it for days after.

Finally growing the balls to tell you how much I love You.

Writing every fluffy thing I ever have, while thinking of you.

Making a stupid list of ways that I love you, just because I wanted to surprise you.

Watching chick flicks, and liking them because they make you happy.

Not caring about the you-know-what, but giving you a reason to never do it again.

Apologizing for being an immature asshole, as often as I can.

Seeing fireworks, the heavens open up, and angels singing hallelujah, all from a kiss.

Not forbidding you from hanging out with the idiot, even though it does make me a little jealous.

Trust.

Riding home in silence after leaving your house, just so I’m not distracted and can think about you in peace and quiet.

Using you and peace and quiet in the same sentence.

Meaning “same here” every single time I say it, and not just saying it to be agreeable.

Picking an argument because I love to hear you win.

Never letting you win, but losing anyways.

Always ignoring the outside world for a three hour IM conversation about nothing.

Hanging on to your every word as if it were my life, because it is.

Knowing you’re the one.

Being more than ready to say “I do,” whenever you are.

Love is YOU... many small pieces of you and more.

YM CONVERSATIONS (ISSUE NO.2)

2009-02-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

Him: Buzz

Me: Buzz

Him: Happy Valentine’s Day!

Me: Happy Valentine’s Day din. =)

Him: Sinong date mo?

Me: Wala.

Him: Ikaw pa.

Me: Ganun. Wala nga talaga. Kanina I went out with my agents. Nag videoke kme sa Maru Bar sa may Makati Avenue. Late na din kme natapos kaya kakauwi ko lang.

Him: Miss mo na ko noh?

Me: Ok lang. hahaha. Gawa na pala yung gripo sa bahay. Hindi mo na ako kailangan ipag-igib ng tubig sa labas. At may na discover akong kainan na masarap, super affordable pa, hindi ka na mamumulubi.

Him: Mabuti naman ipinaayos na ni kuya. Saan naman yang kainan na yan? Masarap ba talaga? Mas masarap pa syo?

Me: Oo nga eh. Ewan ko dun, basta isang araw bigla na lang may tubero sa bahay. Gago! Wala ng mas sasarap pa sa kin. Hahaha.

Him: Sino ng boyfriend mo?

Me: Wala.

Him: Nakipag break ka sa akin tapos wala ka pa ding boyfriend.

Me: When I broke up with you, I just wanted some time to think things over. Gusto ko lang talaga mag isip. Gusto kong malaman kung tama pa bang ipagpatuloy yung relationship natin. Hindi naman ako nakipag break para mag hanap ng iba. Hindi ako naki pag break dahil may iba na. Mali naman kse yung iniisip mo eh.

Him: Masaya naman kse tayo. Wala naman akong nakikitang problema, kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan natin maghiwalay.

Me: Sorry.

Him: Naging masama ba ako syo?

Me: Hindi. Ano ka ba naman. You were amazing. In fact, napaka swerte ko nga syo eh. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano mo ako natagalan. You are by far the best blessing God has ever given me and I'm so happy that he gave you to me to love. Even though I don't deserve all that you are to me and all that you do for me, I want you to know that I am so very grateful for you. I'm so grateful for all the wonderful memories we have shared throughout those wonderful months: all the smiles, laughter and even the tears. Loving you has made my life come alive. Some people go through life and never live it: I mean REALLY live it. But I thank God that He let me really live my life to the fullest by giving me you. You light up my world and show me things I never dreamed I'd see. Thank you for all that you do for me and all that you have given me.

Him: Mahal mo pa ba ako?

Me: Hindi naman nawawala yun eh. Hindi basta basta. I think, once you love someone, you will always love them even if you are not together anymore.

Him: Sabi na love mo pa yung mga exes mo eh.

Me: Yeah, pero hindi na same intensity as before. Siguro more of concern na lang. Kung may mangyaring masama sa kanila, I’m sure mag wo-worry pa rin naman ako.

Him: Wala ka talagang date?

Me: Wala nga po. Bakit ba ang kulit mo?

Him: Walang nag invite noh!

Me: Hahaha. Kapal mo. Meron noh. Ayaw ko lang talagang umalis. Mas ok na ko dito sa bahay. Teka nga, bakit ba ako ang tinatanong mo ng tinatanong? Bakit ikaw may date ka ba? Siguro may bf ka na noh!

Him: Hmmmmm...

Me: So, I guess meron nga?

Him: Yup.

Me: Grabe, mas nauna ka pa sa kin! Hahaha. Karma ko ba to? =( Kidding aside, I’m happy for you.

Him: Totoo?

Me: Totoo.

Him: I’m sorry ha. I never planned this. Nangyari lang.

Me: You don’t have to explain. Technically, you are single and eligible. =)

Him: Hindi ka galit? Promise?

Me: Love doesn’t come along every day. Kaya nga when it comes knocking your door, I think it’s but right to let it come in. The last thing I want you to feel is guilt over something that is supposed to be wonderful. I’ll always be here.

Him: Thank you Hon. I hope this time it’ll last.

Me: I hope so too.

Batman Holding Hands With Darth Vader

2009-01-31T04:41:00.000-08:00

COMING SOON

Batman holding hands with Darth Vader as the two stare out at the city lights below.

Of course Batman would never hold hands with the likes of Vader... in public ... but you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Here are two men who wear black costumes and have a hard time opening up to others. Maybe they would find comfort in one another, during times of silence, when the big, bold, bright city awaits their next move.

Everybody needs a hug, right?

Paano Kung Ganito Ang Relo Mo?

2009-01-31T04:27:00.000-08:00

Ma late ka kaya?

Explanation of clock numerals

1. Legendre's constant

2. "An infinite number of mathematicians...

3. A Unicode character XML "numeric character reference"

4. Modular arithmetic

5. The Golden Mean reworked a little

6. Three Factorial (3*2*1)

7. 6.99999.. Though a different number than 7, still equals 7

8. Graphical representation of Binary code

9. An example of a base-4 number

10. A Binomial Coefficient

11. An example of Hexadecimal encoding

12. The cube root is the inverse of 12^3

Sweetest Pinoy Gay Love Story: “My Most Beautiful Mistake”

2009-01-30T18:49:00.000-08:00

Nagising ako sa tunog ng pag-bagsak ng sapatos sa sahig.

"Hey, I'm leaving soon. Just lock the room before you leave." Sabi sakin ng isang di ko kilalang boses.

Pagbukas ng mata ko, nakita ko ang isang lalake na nakabihis ng pantalon na slacks at walang damit. Maganda ang hubog ng katawan at medyo may itsura. Ang totoo, gwapo siya. Sinwerte yata ako kagabi.

"Sino ka?" tanong ko sa kanya, kahit alam ko na.

"So you get amnesia on the day after?" sagot niya habang nagpupunas ng buhok.

"What time is it?" Hindi ko na sinagot ang tanong niya.

"Quarter past two." Biglang nagising ang diwa ko. Naalala ko ang kasal ng kapatid ko.

"Shit!" Sabay bango ko sa pagkakahiga a dali-daling pinulot ang damit ko sa sahig at nagbihis. "Shit! Shit!
Shit!"

"Ano, natatae ka?" nang-asar pa ang gago habang tumatawa sa sinabi nya. Hindi ko na pinansin at nagmadiling umalis.

"Matteo." sabi niya sakin bago makarating sa pinto.

"Ano?"

"Matteo ang pangalan ko. But my mum calls me Pikoy." Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. Alam niya kaya na titi ang tawag sa kanya ng mama niya? Inisip ko na parang tugma naman, base sa nangyari kagabi.

"What's so funny?"

"Forget it." Sabi ko bago tuluyang lumabas sa pinto.

"Bye, Pikoy."

Tawa ko sa sarili ko. Ilang segundo pa lang ako nakalabas ng pinto ng bumalik ako sa kwarto niya.

"Where's my car?" tanong ko sa kanya

"Alchemy. We used my car last night. If you want I can…" Kabog ng pinto na ang nagpatahimik sa kanya.

Matagal na ako sa sirkulasyon, `di na bago sakin ang magising sa kama ng isang estranghero. Di ko na inaalam ang pangalan, wala ng usapan. Walang kakabit ng tali. May pagka-abnormal yata ako. O malamang, kahit hindi ko maamin sa sarili ko, takot lang talaga ako. Naranasan ko na. Matagal na panahon na rin pero ayaw ko na ulitin. Hindi na ako natuto sa nakita ko sa mummy at daddy ko. O kaya sa mga kapatid nila. O sa mga napapanood ko sa peikula. Walang katuturan ang relasyon. Walang kauturan ang kasal. Pero kahit ilang ulit kong sabihin yun sa nakababata kong kapatid na babae, hindi parin siya nakinig sakin. Ikakasal siya ngayong araw. Lintik. Basta sinabi ko na lang sa kana na wag akong sisihin sa hindi magandang mangyayari.

Dali-dali na lang akong kumuha ng cab sa ibaba ng condo niya. Hindi mahirap makakuha, sa Eastwood siya nakatira. Hindi ko namalayan yun kagabi. Pagkakuha ko ng kotse, direcho na ako ng unit ko sa Ortigas, mabilis na paligo, konting pabango. Nahirapan lang ako sa pagsuot ng ribbon sa leeg. Hindi ako marunong kaya tsumaba na lang ako. Kung pwede lang sanang mag t-shirt na lang.

Thirty minutes bago magsimula nakaratig na ako sa pagdadausan ng kasal — isang maliit na chapel sa New Manila. Mabuti na lang pala hindi ako nag t-shirt kung hindi magmumukha akong basurero sa gitna ng mga taong ito. Pagkalabas lang ng kotse ko, naramdaman ko ang cellphone sa bulsa. Si bunso tumatawag.

"BB?" pambungad sakin ng kapatid ko. BB ang tawag nya sakin, ibig sabihin big brother. Nahilig yata masyado sa Pinoy Big Brother `tong kapatid ko. Merong iba sa boses niya. Malungkot. Umiiyak.

"Nasan ka?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"Sa room dito sa likod."

"Punta na ako diyan. Hintayin mo ako."

Nadatnan ko si Kelly na umiiyak sa harap ng salamin. Suot na ang kanyang traje-de-boda, maayos na ang buhok, mejo magulo ng konti ang make-up dahil sa kakapunas ng luha. Biglang ngiti pagkakita nya sakin. Agad ko syang nilapitan at niyakap.

"What's wrong?" tanong ko. Natatakot ako sa isasagot niya.

"You look better than I do on my wedding day!" Pabiro niyang sabi habang humihikib. Hindi ko na napigilan ngumiti. Akala ko sasabihin niya sakin na hindi na tuloy and kasal. Masyado yata talaga akong nanunuod ng pelikula.

"I miss you."

"Miss me? Eh di naman ako nawala ah!" sabi ko sa kanya habang pinupunasan ang luha nya.

"`Di naman kelangan wala para ma-miss." Alam ko ang ibig sabihin ni Kelly. Mag-aasawa na siya. Natural lang ang umiyak.

"And I miss dad. Sana nandito siya."

"Kelly…" Hindi ko na ala ang susunod kong sasabihin. Siguro nga, ganoon talaga kahalaga sa isang babae ng ilakad sa altar ng kanyang ama.

"Kelly, it's all right. I'll walk you down that aisle. Tahan na, wag ka ng umiyak. Tingnan mo ang pangit-pangit mo na oh. Para kang punk diyan sa mascara mong sabog." Tumahan na rin siya sa pag-iyak at tumawa.

"Let's fix you up, okay?"

"You're always so good at that," sabi niya sakin. Habang tinatanggal ang ribbon sa leeg ko para ayusin.

"And I always will be. I'm you're big brother, that's what I do."

Kami lang ni Kelly and magkapatid. Tatlong taon ang tanda ko sa kanya pero kahit ganoon, naging malapit parin kami sa isa't-isa. Dala na rin siguro ng pagigi naming ulila sa ama kaya ako na ang nagsilbing gabay sa kanya. Nandiyan ang mummy namin pero iba parin ang may lalake na tumitingin sayo habang lumalaki ka. Wala kaming sikreto sa isa't isa ni Kelly, alam nia ang pagkatao ko at ni minsan ay hindi niya pinaramdam sakin na nag-iba ang turing niya mula nung malaman niya. Ang naaalala ko lang nung malaman niya, sabi niya may mag-lilinis na ng mga kuko niya ng libre. Sabay tawa. Noong nagdadalaga si Kelly, ako parin ang bantay niya — tagahatid sa gimik, taga-sundo sa school, taga-screen ng boyfriend. Si Macky ang naging pinaka-matino sa naging nobyo niya. Kaya siguro hindi niya siya nagdalawang-isip nung nag-propose ito sa kanya. At nagpropose pa talaga ang mokong sa kapatid ko habang nandun ako. Sa isang banda, dahil sa ginawa niyang iyon, naisip ko na sincere nga siya sa kapatid ko. Utos kapatid ko na lang, huwag na huwag sasaktan ang bunso ko kung hindi hukay ang katapat niya.

"BB, umamin ka sakin." sabi ni Kelly habang inaayos ang ribbon.

"Ano yun?"

"Crush mo si Macky dati, noh?"

"HA?! Si Macky? Kadiri!"

"Asuuus! Kadiri ka pa diyan! Kala mo ba hindi ko nahalata? Lagkit mo kaya makatingin! Parang kakainin mo eh!"

"Ah. Hehe." Buking! Baka sakalin ako ng ribbon ko. "Sarap nyang tingnan eh!" Sabi ko ng pabulong.

"Masarap talaga! Pero ikakasal na kami at inaalisan na kita ng karapatan na masarapan!" Sabay ngiti sa sinabi.

"Ask me bakit ako pumayag magpakasal." Tanong niya sakin.

"O sige, bakit?"

"Kasi dati nararamdaman ko, malapit ka na niyang patulan! Parang may tendency, alam mo yun?. Baka makawala pa eh!" Sabay tawanan kami ng malakas. Bruhang to! Kung hindi sana naglandi eh sakin sana si Macky!

"Kelly?" Sabi ng isang pamilyar na boses mula sa bumubukang pintuan. Si Mummy.

"Mummy!" Sabi ni Kelly sabay yakap kay Mummy, naiiyak ulit.

Pagkatapos naming maayos ang make-up niya!

"Oras na, baby." Sabi ng mummy ko.

"Oh sige, mi!" sabi ni Kelly habang nagpupunas ng luha. "Lalabas na kami sandali na lang." Tumango sakin at umalis na si mummy.

"Isn't she ging to give you "The Talk"? tanong ko kay Kelly.

"Tapos na. Kagabi pa."

"Hmm… convenient. Para di na masira make-up mo." Inayos ko na ang belo ni Kelly. Bumukas ang pinto at pumasok si Nina, and bestfriend ni Kelly sabay tili ganun din si bunso.

"Ang ganda-ganda mo, friend?" sabi ni Nina. Itim ang kulay ng kasal ni Kelly kaya itim ang suot ni Nina at may bulaklak sa puti sa tenga. Si Kelly lamang ang naka suot ng puti. Inabot ni Nina ang isang pirasong bughaw na tulip kay Kelly, and kanyang boquet.

"I know!" sabi naman ni Kelly habang nagpo-pose ala-modelo sabay pakingdat-kindat na mata. Tumawa na lang ako sa dalawa. Naging malapit nadin saakin si Nina dahil sa madalas pagpunta niya sa bahay namin nung doon pa ako sa amin nakatira. Magka-classmate sila ni Kelly mula pre-school at di na naghiwalay ang dalawa. Akala ko dati susunod si Kelly sakin at magiging lesbiana. Mabuti na lang hindi, gusto ko ng pamangkin dahil alam ko wala akong magiging anak.

" Tara na! Dalawang `to para kayong mga ewan diyan" sabi ko. Hindi nagtagal tumugtog na sa loob ng chapel. Natapos ng maglakad ang lahat, nagsimula ng tugtugin ang Bride's Chorus, hudyat ng paglakad ko kay Kelly sa altar. Totoong pinaka-maganda ang babae sa kanyang kasal. Hindi maitago ni Kelly ang saya, ito na ang pinakamalaking ngiti na kakita ko sa kanya. Nagsitayo na ang lahat. Nakita ko si Macky sa harap, talagang napaka-gwapo ng magiging bayaw ko. Nainis ulit ako kay Kelly. Mang-aagaw na bruha! Sino yung nasa tabi ni Macky? Best man, natural, pero ngayon ko lang siya nakita. habang papalapit kami sa altar unti-unti kong naaninag ang mukha ng best man nila. Shit! Shit! Shit! Mali ako, nakita ko na pala siya. Si Pikoy.Nahalata ni Kelly ang mukha ko, nanlaki ang mata ko sa pagkabigla.

"Okay ka lang, BB? Parang ikaw ang ikakasal ah!" Mahinang sabi niya sakin.

"I'm just… I'm just so happy for you." Okay na sa sagot na yun si Kelly, iniabot ko na siya kay Macky habang pilit na umiiwas sa tingin ni Matteo. Alam ko na namumukhaan niya ako, ang laki ng ngiti niya saakin. Halos may kasama pang tawa. Hanggang matapos ang sermonya, hindi ako mapakali. Tingin ng tingin sakin si Matteo. Ramdam kong naubusan ako ng dugo sa mukha. Iniisip ko, eh ano ngayon? Pero hindi nakatulong.Nang matapos ang kasal, dumirecho agad ako sa kotse para pumunta sa reception sa clubhouse ng village na tinitirahan ngayon ni mummy. Pagkabukas ko ng pinto nakita ko ang reflection ni Matteo sa salamin ng pintuan.

"What?" Tanong ko sa kanya na parang wala lang.

"What did you say your name was again?" Sabi niya ng nakangiti.

"I didn't tell you my name." Sagot ko sa tanong niya.

"Oh yeah, you didn't. So… what is it? What's your name?" Pagpupumilit niya sakin.

"Hindi mo na kailangan malaman." Pumasok na ako at sinimulang paandarin ang kotse. Hindi pa nakakaandar ay hinarangan niya ang kotse ko. Binuksan ko ulit ang pinto at bumaba.

"What do you want?" Asar na taong ko sa kanya.

"A ride. My friend took my car and there's no one else around." Sabi niya. Napansin ko nga, wala na lahat ng sasakyan. Walang dumadaan na taxi dito. Naasar ako sa kanya pero naawa din ako. Hindi ko naman siya pwedeng iwan dito. Kahit gaano ko kaasar, pinapasok ko na lang siya sa kabilang pinto.

"Thanks," wika niya pagkapasok sa pinto. Hindi ako sumagot. Naging napaka awkward ng sandali kaya nagsimula ulit siyang magtanong,

"So… are you like Kelly's father?" Tumingin na lang ako sa kanya na gustong kong sabihin na napaka-tanga ng tanong niya.

"Oookay… Hindi ka naman ganun katanda ang itsura mo." Tahimik parin ako.

"Marunong ka naman magsalita, diba?"

"Oo." Yun lang ang naging sagot ko sa kanya. Nakarating na rin kami sa wakas sa clubhouse. Sa akin lang parang limang oras ang nilakbay ko.

"That was a nice conversation." Sabi niya.Nakangiti parin siya sakin, walang bahid ng pagka-inis sa mukha niya. Maganda ang ngiti ni Matteo. Maganda ang labi niya, ang mga ngipin, ang mga guhit sa tabi ng labi. Naalala ko bigla kagabi noong nakapatong ang mga labing yun sa labi ko. Ibang klase kung humalik si Matteo, mabagal, sensual, matamis. Napakagat ako ng labi. Nakatingin parin siya sakin na parang nang-aakit. Hindi ko na mapigilan
ang sarili ko, mabilis na inabot ko sa leeg nya ang kamay ko at hinila ko ang leeg niya papunta sakin. Mabilis naman nagpatong ang labi namin. Pero hindi siya humahalik. Oo nga't nakapatong ang labi niya pero hindi gumalaw. Tang ina, napahiya ako! Inalis ko na ang labi ko at bumalik sa pagkakaupo.

"Thanks for the ride." Binuksan na niya ang pinto at lumakad papunta ng clubhouse.

Ilang beses kong inuntog ang ulo ko sa manibela. Ang tanga-tanga ko! Shit! Pero kasalanan niya! Nang-aakit siya eh! Ang mokong na `to! Nanliit ako, di ko alam kung pano ko ipapakita ko mukha ko sa kanya mamaya. Paglabas ng ko ng kotse ay nakapagsindi muna ako ng dalawang yosi para magipon ng lakas ng loob. Sa loob nakita ko agad si Mummy at Macky nagsasayaw, ang ama naman ni Macky at si Kelly. Hindi ko nakita si Matteo. Mabuti naman. Lumapit ako sa ama ni Macky at Kelly.

"May I, Mr. Santana?" Tanong ko sa ama ni Macky.

"Of course." Sabay abot sakin ng todo-ngiting si Kelly.

"You have a wonderful sister"

"I know, sir. Thank you." Ngumiti ako sa kanya at umalis na din para umupo.

"So… Mrs. Santana…" napangiti kami pareho ni Kelly.

"Of course I know you're wonderful, you're my sister."

"Mana-mana yan, diba, BB?"

"You know it! Bunso, pwede ba akong sumama sa honeymoon niyo?" pabirong tanong ko kay Kelly. " Para matikman ko man lang si Macky."

"Ay sorry ka, hindi pwede! Dapat ginahasa mo siya nung di pa kami kasal. Off-limits na siya ngayon."

"Malas." Nagsabay kami sa isang malakas na tawa ni Kelly hanggang ma tumapik sa balikat ko. Pag lingon ko nakita ko si Matteo. Shit ulit!

"Matt!" Sabi ni Kelly kay Matteo. "Oh, I haven't introduced you yet. Matt, meet the most wonderful brother in the whole wide world, Kiros."

"Well, it's certainly a rare occassion to meet the most wonderful brother in the world." Inabot niya sakin ang kama niya sabay ngiti. Lintik na ngiti yan pinahiya ako kanina. At aktor ang mokong na ito. Makikisakay na lang ako.

"Matt is Macky's brother," sabi ni Kelly. Double Shit!

"Ah… yes… I'm Mack's brother. I'm sorry I didn't tell you," sabi sakin ni Matt na todo ang ngiti, halatang natatawa.

"Wait, so you know each other?" Tanong ni Kelly kaw Matt.

"Yeah… well, not really. Sinakyan ko siya kanina." Parang nawalan ako ng hininga sa sinabi niya.

"I mean, nakisakay ako sa kotse niya papunta dito."

"Ahhh." sabi ni Kelly na halatang iba ang inisip sa sinabi niya.

"Uhm.. she's… yours. I gotta get myself a drink." Umalis ako sa kinatatayuan ko at lumapit sa pinakamalapit na waiter na may dalang champaigne at inubos sa isang lagok. Bago umalis ang waiter, kumuha ulit ako ng isa at lumabas sa may kotse ko, nagsindi ng yosi. Pagkatapos ng ilang sandali, lumabas si Kelly, nababahala ang mukha niya.

"Okay ka lang, BB?"

"I slept with Matt!" Biglang bukas ng bibig ko, hindi ko na napigilan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko sinabi yun bigla pero wala na ako magagawa, nakalabas na. Siguro dahil mapagkakatiwalaan ko si Kelly.

"YOU…" Gulat na sabi ni Kelly.

"You slept with Matt?!!!" Hininaan niya ang boses niya.

"Who slept with who?" Sabi ni Macky paputa sa kinaroroonan namin. Narinig niya kaya? Tang ina, so much for trusting Kelly.

"Yeah, who slept with who? Si Matt, kasunod sa yapak ni Macky.

"Excuse me, this is a private conversation, God! And my sex life is none of your business!!!" Galit na sabi ko sa dalawang dumating.

"May boyfriend si Kiros." Sabi ni Kelly kay Macky, sabay tingin kay Matt na nakangiti.

"I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" Asar na asar na talaga ako!

"May boyfriend si Kiros?" Sabay na tanong nila Macky at Matteo.

"Hindi niyo ba narinig ang sinabi ko?" Asaaaaar!

"Honey, I think the guests are calling for us." Sabi ni Kelly kay Macky habang hinihila pabalik sa loob. "BB, mamaya na tayo magusap!"

"KELLY!" Tawag ko sa kanya.

"KELLY BUMALIK KA DITO!" Hindi na siya nakinig.

"So you have a boyfriend?" Nagulat ako, nakalimutan ko na nandito pa pala si Matteo. Inubos ko ang natitirang champaigne, tinapon ang yosi at nagsindi ng bago. Hindi ko sinagot ang tanong niya.

"You slept with me and you didn't tell me you have a boyfriend?" May bahid ng konting galit sa boses niya.

"Is that why you're avoiding me?"

"I don't have a boyfriend, she meant you," kalmado na ako ngayon.

"So I'm your boyfriend?" Nakangiti na ngayon ang engot.

"NO!!! Hindi kita boyfriend, wala akong boyfriend at definitely ayaw kong magka-boyfriend!"

"Talaga lang ha…"

"Talaga, now leave me alone!"

"So you told Kelly about us?" Lumapit siya sa akin at sumandal din sa kotse ko katabi ko.

"Look, there's no `us,' Matt!"

"Ahu….okay… so you told Kelly about you and me?" Tinitigan ko na lang siya sa mata. Gusto ko na siyang sakalin.
"Oookay… let me rephrase that, you told Kelly about what HAPPENED between you and, separately, me?"

"Oo." Kinuha niya ang sigarilyo ko.

"You are so into me, aren't you?" Pabirong sabi niya sakin at binuga ang yosi ko.

"Gago!"

"Alam mo sa tigin ko, may gusto ko sakin. Sinunggaban mo nga ako ng halik kanina eh."

"Walang ibig sabihin `yun," namula ang pisngi ko sa sinabi niya.

"Okay lang. `Di din naman kita gusto eh."

"Good! That's good." Aray. mokong na `to. Nasaktan ako sa sinabi niya ah! Hindi ko alam kung bakit, siguro nasaktan ang ego ko.

"But I bet, magkakagusto ka sakin! Pero hindi ako papatol sayo kahit akitin mo pa ako."

"Hahaha!" Natawa ako sa sinabi niya pero sinadya kong lumakas ang tawa ko.

"Never gonna happen."

"We'll see about that, BB!" Tinapon na niya ang yosi at naglakad paputang clubhouse.

"You're on, Pikoy!"

Kinaumagahan, nagising ako sa ring ng telepono, si Kelly tumatawag.

"BB," pambungad nyang bati.

"Kelly ang aga pa!"

"BB may utang ka saking kwento."

"Masyado ka pang bata."

"Pag-kinwento mo sakin, ikukwento ko sayo nangyari samin kagabi ni Macky."

"Salamat na lang."

"Che! Bahala ka nga diyan," mabuti na lang umalis na si Kelly sa piaguusapan namin. "BB, remember ha! You promised me you'll take us to the airport." Ngayon nga pala ang alis ni Kelly at Macky para sa honeymoon nila. Ako ang nagregalo kay Kelly noon, isang linggo sa Hawaii .

"Yeah, yeah, I remember."

"We're all packed up na, punta ka na dito."

"Sige, shower na ako."

Hinatid ko si Kelly at Macky sa airport. Ibinilin sakin ni Kelly ang bahay. Dun muna daw ako tumira para alagaan ang kanilang aso, si Legazpi. Napaka-istupidong pangalan para sa aso kung ako tatanungin mo, pero gusto ko na rin si Zap, tawag ko sa aso. Pumayag na ako. Pero pina-sumpa niya ako na doon ako matutulog hanggang dumating silanext week. Sabi ko walang problema. Pagkagaling ng airport, dumirecho na ako sa bahay nila para pakainin si Zap. Nabigla ako ng nakita kong bukas ng pinto, kahol ng kahol ang aso. May magnanakaw yata. Kumuha ako ng tubo na malapit sa may pintuan bago pumasok, inutusan ko ang sarili ko na itanong kay Kelly kung bakit may tubo dun. Napaka out-of-place. Hindi ako gumawa ng ingay, baka malaman ng magnanakaw na may tao at tumakbo. Walang magulo, walang nakuha sa sala, ang tv nandun parin at nakabukas. Siguro alam ng magnanakaw na matagal bago bumalik and may-ari ng bahay. Nasa kusina si Zap kumakahol. Kumakahol si Zap sa ref. Pagtingin ko, may lalakeng naka-dungaw at may kinukuha sa loob.

"You have got to be kidding me!" sabi ko at nahulog ang tubo na dala ko. Napalingon si Matteo sa ingay ng tubo ng nahulog.

"O, Kiros! Anong ginagawa mo dito?" Nilagay niya ang gatas na kinuha sa ref at binuhos sa lalagyan ni Zap.

"I was going to ask you the same thing."

"Well, Kelly asked me to stay here 'till they get back. You? What's your excuse? Sinusundan mo ako `no?" Ngumiti siya sa akin habang hinihimas ang ulo ng aso.

"Remind me to kill Kelly when she gets back." Wika ko sa kanya.

"Okay, I will."

Pagkatapos noon umuwi na ako para kumuha ng mga damit sa gagamitin. Habang nasa byahe, nag-ring ang telepono ko.

"Hello?"

"Kiros? It's Matt."

"Where did you get my number?"

"Kelly gave it to me."

"Remind me to kill her twice."Natawa siya sa sinabi ko.

"Hey, listen, can you pick up a food for Legazpi on your way back."

"What makes you think I'm coming back?"

"Because I'm here. And I know you want to see me again."

Puki ng ina! Ayaw niya talaga akong tigilan! Napaka aroganteng litsugas! Binagsak ko ang telepono. Pagkalipas ng tatlong oras nakabalik na ako sa bahay nila Kelly dala ang isang sakong pagkain ni Zap. Binuksan ni Matteo ang pinto.

"You can't get enough of me, can you?" tanong ni Matt sakin. Sinubsob ko sa dibdib niya ang dogfood na dala ko.

"Matt, listen, I have some rules." sabi ko sa kanya.

"Bakit? Di naman ikaw may-ari ng bahay ah!" protesta niya.

"Number one! Sa sala ka matutulog, sakin ang guest room."

"Fine by me."

"Two, salitan tayo maghuhugas ng pinggan. At three, bawal ka magdala ng lalake dito"

"Gusto mo lang akong solohin."

Dumirecho ako sa guest room dala ng mga gamit ko. Hindi ko alam ang tumatakbo sa utak ni Kelly pero hindi ako natutuwa. Ang lalake, pang isang gabihan lang. Akala ko sinwerte ako kay Matt nung inuwi niya ako sa bahay niya noong isang gabi. Mali . Pagkatapos kong maligo bumaba ako. Naamoy ko ang masarap na niluluto sa kusina.

"Are you sure you can cook?" Tanong ko kay Matt.

"I'm a chef!"

"Hindi ko tinatanong kung anong trabaho mo, oo o hindi lang."

"We're having Couscous-Stuffed Pork Chops." sabi niya.

"Gusto ko ng sardinas."

"Oh that is so rude!"

"Baka may gayuma yang niluluto mo."

Binigyan niya ako ng dirty finger. Kumuha ako ng softdrinks sa ref ni Kelly.

"Get the wine, this will be finish soon."

"Wine-wine ka dyan! Wag ka maarte. Couscous pork chop. Ha! Kuskusin ko yang mukha mo eh!" Nilaro ko si Zap hanggang makapag-handa si Matt ng mesa. Siya na rin ang kumuha ng wine. Inaamin ko, sa amoy at tingin ng niluto niya parang nagutom ako bigla. Chef-chefan nga si pota. Tinawag na niya ako para kumain. Ang gara ng pagkakaayos ng mesa, may kandila pa.

"We're not on a date, you know!" sabi ko sa kanya. "Wag mong sindihan ang kandilang yan at lalong wag mong patayin ang ilaw."

"It's called fine dining, Kiros. Get with the program."

Hindi sinindihan ag kandila, bukas lang ang ilaw. Hindi ko maipagkakailang masarap talaga ang luto niya. Mga tipong tig-iisang libo ang bawat subo. Tahimik lang ako at nakatingin sa pagkain. Si Matt tingin ng tingin sakin hanggang di mapigilan magsalita.

"We could at least be friends, you know."

"I have enough friends." Sagot ko sa kanya.

"Ano bang meron sayo, ha? Ganyan ka ba talaga? Pagkatapos ng isang gabi sa lalake, bale wala na sayo?" Hindi ko sinagot ang tanong niya at inatupag ang pagkain ko.Napailing na lang ang ulo niya at bumalik sa pagkain.

"Ba't parang apektado ka?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"You know why I even bothered talking to you that night? Kasi kita sa mata mo na malungkot ka. Nakatawa ka pero malungkot ka. Parang dapat may kumausap sayo kung hindi magpapakamatay ka."

"Well, hindi ako malungkot, alright?" Naramdaman kong nagagalit sa kanya. Parang tinamaan ako.

"Whatever you say. But I honestly thought you were going to be… different."

Kinuha niya ang pinagkainan at nilagay sa lababo at iniwan niya akong kumain ng mag-isa. Natahimik ako sa sinabi niya. Tahimik ang buong bahay bigla. Si Zap lang at ang kanyang dila sa gatas ang tanging ingay hanggang narinig kong buksan ni Matt ang tv. Pagkatapos ng paghugas ko ng pinggan, kumuha ako ng dalawang baso at nilagyan ng wine. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero nararamdaman ko na kailangan kong humingi ng patawad sa kanya. Mahirap sakin ang paghingi ng tawad. Pano niya nagawang mapilit sakin yun?Naabutan ko si Matt na natutulog na sa sala habang bukas ang tv. Natigilan ako sa nakita ko. Si Matt lang naman. Pero parang iba ang Matt na to. Mas maamo ang kanyang mukha. Mas tahimik. Gumalaw ang labi niya na parang may nginunguya. Parang bata. Malalim ang pahinga niya. Medyo mahaba ang buhok ni Matteo, ilang piraso nito bumabagsak sa mukha niya. Isang kamay niya nasa tiyan, ang isa naman sa tabi hawak ang remote. Parang gusto kong hawiin ang buhok niya, hawakan ang labi niya at halikan ang mata niya. Naramdaman ko na kumirot ang puso ko. Shit! Di pwede `to!

Binaba ko ang baso sa salamin na mesa sa sala. Anong gagawin mo, Kiros? Tanong ko sa sarili ko. Hindi ko gagawin ang gusto kong gawin. Hindi ako matatalo sa pustahan. Umalis ako sa sala at pumunta ng kwarto. Nahiga pero hindi makatulog. Iniisip ko si Matt at noong gabi na magkakilala kami. Hindi ko natatandaang sinabi niya ang pangalan niya pero ang alam ko 24 ang edad niya. Tinanong ko silang lahat ng edad nila. Twenty-five ako, hindi magkalayo ang edad namin. Tinanong niya kung pwede daw siya tumambay sa kinatatayuan ko. Sabi ko walang problema basta walang magagalit na nakikipag-usap siya saakin. Sa tagal ko na sa sirkulasyon, alam ko na ang gusto niyag mangyari. Hindi ako tatanggi. Biyaya na, aayawan ko pa ba? Hindi ko maalala ang pinag-usapan namin pero alam ko na marami. Mukha naman siyang matalino, may sense kausap. Marami na rin ang nainom ko pero ayaw ko pang tumigil. Sabi niya, sa condo niya na lang daw kami uminom para kung sakaling makatulog eh may higaan. Pumayag ako. Gegewang-gewang na din ako kaya inalalayan niya ako. Nakatulog ako sa biyahe, kahit papano nagbalik ang ulirat ko. Pero hindi naalis ang libog ko sa kanya. Hindi pa tuluyang sarado ang pinto tinulak ko na siya sa likod nito at hinalikan sa labi. Hindi niya ako binigo at humalik naman pabalik. Habang pinupuno ko ng halik ang kanyang labi, sinimula kong hubarin ang suot niyang polo. Ganun din ang ginawa niya sakin.At nangyari nga ang nangyari. Isa si Matt sa pinakamagaling na nakatalik ko. Ibang klase siyang gumalaw. Nakakalibog ang kanyang boses habang nagpapahiwatig ng sarap. Mainit ang hinga niya sa batok ko. Marahan ang kanyang pag-indayog. Marunong siyang magpaligaya at alam niya ang dapat gawin para magpaligaya. Walang salita, alam namin pareho ang dapat gawin. Matapos `yun, binuksan ko ang bintana at nagsindi ng yosi. Natulog na si Matt. Malamig ang hangin ng Disyembre lalo na dahil naka-boxers lang ako. Habang nakatingin sa mga ilaw sa baba, hindi ko namalayan ang luhang tumulo galing sa mata ko. Hindi na bago sakin ang umiyak matapos gawin yun. Sa bawat pagkakataon tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung ano ang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko. Anong makukuha ko dito. Oo nga't
masarap pero nasasaktan ako pagkatapos. At hindi matumbasan ng sarap ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nasasaktan. Ayaw kong masaktan pero ayaw ko din timigil. Napukaw ako ng gumalaw si Matt, tulog parin. Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at bumalik sa kama. Tumalikod sa lalakeng yun at pinilit na matulog.

Nagising ako sa tahol ni Zap sa garden. Paglabas ko sa porch nakita kong nilalaro ni Matt ang aso ng frisbee sa garden. Nakangiti si Matt, iba sa itsura niya nung huli kaming mag-usap kagabi. Sana kinalimutan niya na yun. Ayaw kong pag-usapan. Pumunta ako sa kusina at gumawa ng kape, nilagay ko sa dalawang tasa. Paglabas ko nasa pool na sina Matt at ang aso. Nakita ako ni Matt at umahon, lumapit sa mesang pinaglagyan ko ng kape habang umupo naman ako. Walang suot ng t-shirt si Matt. Maganda talaga ang hubog ng katawan niya. Mas maganda pa dahil sa kumikintab sa araw na mga patak ng tubig dito.

"Is that for me?" turo niya sa isang tasa ng kape. Umupo siya sa harap ko.

"That's for Zap," birong sagot ko sa kanya.

"Kanino?" tanong niya sakin. Hindi niya nga pala alam na Zap ang tawag ko kay Legazpi. Tinuro ko ang aso. "I thought his name's Legazpi?"

"It is. But it's a stupid name so I call him Zap." sabi ko sa kanya.

"Ah! Ako nagpangalan sa kanya." sabi niya sakin habang tinitingnan ang aso na inaalis ang tubig sa katawan.

"Kaya pala." sabi ko sa kanya. "Sayo yang kape"

"Thanks. Ako nag bigay kay Macky niyan bago pa sila ikasal ni Kelly. May alaga din akong pug, si Villalobos."
Natawa ako ng malakas sa sinabi niya. "Bakit?"

"And pangit mo magbigay pangalan sa aso."

"Ganun ah! Eh ikaw nga diyan eh. Zap? Ano yun? parang kinuryente." Ngumiti kaming pareho, nagsalubong ang mata namin. Natahimik.

"Sa tingin mo ba talaga malungkot ako?" tanong ko sa kanya. Shit!

Sabi ko ayaw ko ng pag-usapan bakit ako pa ang nagsimula? Yumuko si Matt at ngumiti sa sarili.

"Sa tingin ko? Oo. Kitang kita sa mata mo. Kahit gaano mo itago, makikita at makikita parin sa mata. Hindi ka magaling magsinungaling, kita lahat. Kung masaya ka, kungmalungkot…" Nawalan ako ng sasabihin dahil sa sinabi niya.

"Pero… kung sinasabi mong hindi ka malungkot… e di hindi!" ngumiti siya sakin ng matamis. Napakagat ako ng labi.

"Do you believe in love?" biglang lumabas sa bibig ko. Ano ba `tong pinagtatatanong ko sa kanya?

"Sabi ko na nga ba in love ka sakin." wika niya at mas lumawak pa ang ngiti niya. Yung wine kagabi, `tong kape… nagpapa-cute ka pa palagi."

"May napakagsabi na ba sayo na napaka-arogante mong tao?" inis na tanong ko sa kanya.

"I was just kidding! Where are these questions coming from anyway? Kaaga-aga nag e-emote-emote ka a diyan!"

"My parents, they… they divorced when I was 15, Kelly was 12. Mga tito at tita ko, lahat, kung hindi divorced, hindi nag-asawa. Natatakot ako para kay Kelly."

"Natatakot kang masaktan."

"Ha? Ah… hindi, hindi… sabi ko si Kelly."

"`Di ba sabi ko sayo, hindi ka marunong mag-sinungaling?" Tumayo si Matt at naglakad papasok ng bahay. Tumigil siya sa may pinto at lumigon sakin.

"Wag kang mag-alala. Hindi hindi kita sasaktan."

Pagka-uwi ko sa bahay galing sa trabaho narinig kong kumakahol si Zap at nagri-ring ang telepono. Wala yata si Matteo.

"Hello?" sabi ko sa telepono.

"BB?" Si Kelly.

"Kelly! Oh kumusta? How's Hawaii?"

"BB ang ganda, sobra! Thanks thanks thanks talaga!"

"Enjoy it while you can kasi papatayin kita pag-balik mo dito!"

"Oh! What did I do?"

"Matteo!"

"Oh.. haha! BB naman, okay lang `yun no! Ano ka ba? Hindi ka ba natutuwa?

"Mukha ba akong natutuwa. Kelly? I mean what are you doing? He's your brother-in-law who I slept with!"

"Slept with? Past tense yun, BB ah! You mean you're not sleepING with him?"

"God no! It was a mistake, okay? I was drunk and that's what drunk people do!"

"BB… he was the one who asked me if you could stay with him. I thought you two are dating." Natigilan ako sa sinabi ni Kelly. Si Matt ang nag-request kay Kelly na dito ako tumira kasama niya?

"BB? Are you okay?"

"I'm… I'm fine, Kelly. I… I have to go now. Kinda busy."

"Okay. Tawag na lang ulit ako, ha! Bye BB, love you"

"I love you, too, Kelly." Binaba ko na ang telepono.

"Was that Kelly?" Nabigla ako. Nasa may pintuan si Matteo. Hindi ko alam kung gano na siya katagal dun at kung ano ang narinig niya. Hindi pa ako nakakasagot, nag-ring ulit ang telepono.

"Hello?" Sabi ng kabilang linya. Hindi si Kelly yun pero babae. "Is Teo there?" Inisip ko kung sino si Teo, akala ko wrong number hanggang naalala ko na Matteo nga pala si Matt.

"You mean Matt? Yeah he's, he's here." Inabot ko ang telepono kay Matt at umalis na rin ako paakyat ng kwarto pero narinig ko parin ang una niyang sinabi…

"Hello, baby!"

Sinarado ko ng malakas ang pintuan ng kwarto at napasandal sa likod. Hindi ko alam kung anong iisipin. Una nalaman ko na si Matt ang may gustong magkasama kami. Hindi ko alam kung maagalit ako sa kanya dahil sinet-up niya to o matutuwa dahil kahit papano gumagaan na ang loob ko sa kanya. Tapos bigla kong marinig siya sa telepono kausap ang isang babae tapos babatiin niya ng ganun? Nalilito ako. Sumasakit ang ulo ko at biglang nag-tubig ang mata ko. Nagseselos ba ako? Naiinis ako sa kanya pero hindi ko siya magawang kainisan ng labis labis. Tuluyan ng lumuha ang mata ko. `Tang ina kaya ayaw ko ng ganito eh.

Nagtangka akong kontrahin ang nararamdaman ko. Bakit ako umiiyak e ako na mismo ang nagsabi na ayaw ko sa kanya, na ayaw ko ng ganito. Ano naman sakin kung may karelasyon siya? Hindi gumana. Tuloy tuloy ang luha ko. Matagal din siguro ako sa ganung lagay ng biglang may kumatok sa pinto.

"Kiros?" Tawag ni Matt sakin. Ayaw kong magpakita sa kanya na ganun.

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at nagpag-pag ng sarili tapos pinilit ngumiti. Tumayo ak sa pagkakaupo at binuksan ang pinto.

"Oh, Matt? Bakit?"

"Anong bakit? Ako dapat yata magtanong sayo niyan! Bakit ka umiiyak?"

"Ah… di ako umiiyak," sabay punay sa mata ko. "Napuwing lang ako."

Inabot ni Matt ang kamay niya sa mukha ko, akmang pupunasan and luha ko. Umatras ako ng hindi niya maabot.

"Hanggang kailan ka ba magsisinungaling sakin? Kailan mo ba ako pagkakatiwalaan?"

Umalis si Matt at humiga naman ako sa kama. Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog na pala ako. Hindi na ako nakapag-bihis o naligo man lang. Nang nagising ako, nakita ko sa relo na alas dos-y-medya na ng madaling araw. Nagugutom ako kaya bumaba para kumain. Nadaanan ko si Matt na nakahiga sa may sala, ang tv bukas. Nakita kong may natatakpang pagkain sa mesa at binuksan yun. Sardinas.

Kung sa ibang pagkakataon, iisipin kong napaka-sweet at naghanda siya nga sardinas para sakin pero nalala kong bigla ang narinig ko sa telepono kahapon. Kumuha ako ng kanin sa may rice cooker at nagsimulang kumain.

"Ayos ka na ba?" Nabigla ako at napalingon sa kinatatayuan ni Matt. Hindi ko sinagot ang tanong niya at nagpatuloy sa pagkain. "Tumawag ulit si Kelly. Alam mo na pala."

"Ang alin?"

"Alam ko agad na ikaw yun nung makita kita sa kasal. Gustong gusto kitang makilala. Kinausap ako ni Kelly sa reception, nagtanong siya kung papayag akong magbantay ng bahay at sa aso. Sabi ko papayag ako kung kasama kita."

"Ah talaga?" sabi ko na nagkukunwaring walang pakialam. hindi ko makuhang tingnan siya kaya pinagpauloy ko lang ang pagkain. Naglakad siya papunta sa mesa at naupo sa katabing na upuan ko. Hinawakan niya ang bisig ko. "I just want to know you better."

"Bakit? May gusto ka ba sakin?" Sinabi ko sa kanya ng maypagka-sarcastic. "Gusto mo rin ba yung kausap mo sa telepono kanina?"

"Nagseselos ka ba? Is that what this is all about?" Medyo galit ang tono niya. "I was talking to my daughter!" Napatingin ako sa kanya. Nabigla ako sa sinabi niya pero hindi ko pinahalata. "And you talked to her mother."

"You didn't tell me you had a daughter." Nag-aasta parin akong hindi interesado at nagpatuloy sa pagkain.

"How can I if you're closing everything on me! You wouldn't let your guard down! Natatakot ka sakin! You don't trust me! I'm just a mistake to you, `di ba yan ang sabi mo kay Kelly?" Tumayo siya at naglakad papalayo pero tumigil at nagsalita.

"I didn't want to think YOU were a mistake. Now I can't help it."

Sinadya kong tumagal sa kusina, ayaw kong maabutan na gising si Matteo sa sala. Hingasan ko ang plato at lahat ng ng makita kong madumi. Nang dumaan ako sa sala para umakyat nakita ko si Matt sa sala, sarado na ang tv at natutulog na siya, nakaakap sa sarili at nilalamig. Walang kumot sa sala, naka-sando lang siya. Dali-dali akong umakyat sa kwarto at kumuha ng kumot. Tinakpan ko siya ng kumot na yun at tipong aakyat na ng narinig ko siyang magpasalamat.

Wala na si Matt ng magising ako ng alas-10. Sa kusina may malamig na french toast. Kinain ko ng malamig ang agahan at pumasok sa opisina. Wala parin si Matt ng makauwi ako ng gabi. Pagkatapos mag-luto at kumain, nanood ako ng tv sa sala, wala parin si Matt, hanggang nagising ako ng alas-dos ng madaling araw. Naisip ko kung nasaan na si Matt ng ganung oras at kung ano na ang nangyari sa kanya. Lumabas ako sa may pool para magpalamig at nakita si Matt na nakahandusay sa may upuan malapit sa pool. Gising si Matt at umiinom galing sa bote, sa baba ng upuan may tatlong bote ng Red Horse na ubos na at meron pang dalawa na hindi bukas. Halatang lasing na si Matt, malakas ang amoy ng alkohol sa kanya.

"Tama na yan," sabi ko sa kanya akmang kukunin ang beer sa kamay.

"I love the way you said that. It almost sounds like you care." sabi ni Matt. Hinayaan nyang kunin ko ang beer sa kamay nya.

"Pumasok ka na sa loob. Malamig dito."

"Another one! Ha! This must be my lucky day!"

"Matt, marami ka ng nainom."

"Why do you care? I mean I'm a mistake, right? Why do you care about your mistakes?"

"Is that what this is about? Kaya ka umiinom dahil sakin?"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? But rest easy, I'm drinking because I made a mistake, a really bad mistake, the worst mistake I ever made." tumayo si Matt sa harap ko at hinawakan ang dalawang pisngi ko. Tumingin siya sa mata ko at tumahimik. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin niya. Ayaw ko siyang itulak baka matumba sa kalasingan.

"You, Kiros… you're the most beautiful mistake I ever made."

Naglakad si Matt papasok ng bahay at iniwan akong tulala sa kinatatayuan ko. Hindi ko na pinansin ang lamig kahit naninigas na ang katawan ko na parang nagyeyelo. Hindi ko alam kung hangin ang nagdala nun… o si Matt. Pagkarinig ko ng pagsarado ng pinto saka tumulo ang malakas na luha. Nandyan na naman sila. Ayaw na naman papigil. Sumabay sa pagbuhos ng luha ko ang pagbuhos ng ulan pero hindi ko magalaw ang paa ko para sumilong. Parang napako sa lupa hanggang tuluyan na akong mabasa ng ulan.

Pagka-umaga nagising ako na may lagnat. Sa lahat ba naman kasi ng lugar na pwedeng pagdramahan, dun pa ko sa umuulan. Umuulan pa din sa mga oras na yun. Hindi ako papasok. Nagreklamo ang tiyan ko sa gutom. Mag-aalas 8 pa lang. Sa kusina kumakain si Matt ng oatmeal. Pagkatapos tumingin sakin binalikan ang pagkain niya at nagkunwaring wala ako sa paligid. Nagbuhos ako ng kape sa tasa at umupo sa upuan na katapat ng kinauupuan niya. Wala akong magawa kung hindi titigan siya. Napakaamo ng kanyang mukha. Maliban sa pulang mata, aakalain ko na nasa harap ko ang pinakamagandang nilalang. Biglang kumirot and puso ko at lumakas ang tibok. Sabi ko na nga ba. Mukhang matatalo ako sa pustahan.

"Bakit?" tanong niya sakin. Napansin niya siguro ang pagtitig ko sa kanya.

"Tell me about your daughter," sabi ko sa kanya. Ngumiti din siya.

"Anong gusto mong malaman?"

"Kung anong gusto mong sabihin."

Tumahimik siya ng sandali, nagiisip kung anong sasabihin.

"Her name is Nicole… Nikki. She's 3. Kasama ng mama niya sa Australia. Dun ako tumira dati until two years ago when her mum and I… when her mum and I decided that we have to stop living a lie."

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?"

Tumahimik na naman siya para makapag-isip.

"Hindi ko mahal ang mummy ni Nicole," simula niya, "hindi rin niya ako mahal. Nagsama lang kami para sa bata. Nicole came out of nowhere, unexpectedly. Isang inuman ng magbabarkada, the next thing you know, her parents and my parents have agreed on a wedding. Ayaw naming pumayag. Her name was Celine, she was my bestfriend. Kilala namin ang isa't-isa. Alam ni Celine kung ano ako. At alam naming hindi kasal ang gusto namin. We went to Australia para tumakas sa kasal. We were practically prisoners. Ang bahay, pagkain, lahat bigay lang ng pamilya at mga barkada. Wala akong ginagawa dun. Celine met a new guy and fell in love kaya kailangan ko siyang bigyan ng space. Pumayag akong iwan sa kanya si Nikki with the promise that I will still be recognized as his father. Bumibisita ako dun once in a while and they call me."

Natahimik ako sa pagkukwento niya, akala ko may karugtong pa.

"Yun lang." dagdag niya.

"I'm sure she's a beautiful kid." sabi ko sa kanya.

"I'm her father, of course she's beautiful."

"Yabang…" Ngumiti siya at nawalan ulit kami ng pinaguusapan hanggang tanungin ko siya. "Did you mean what you said yesterday? Do you really think I'm a mistake?"

Tumingin siya ng matagal sakin bago nagsalita. Ulan lang sa labas ang naririnig namin.

"I don't know what to think."

"Because I think I'm in love with you."

Fuck! Sinabi ko ba yun sa kanya o sa isip ko lang? Parang hindi ko na napigilan, bigla na lang lumabas sa bibig ko. Tumahimik siya. Tang ina, sinabi ko nga yun, di ko inisip lang. Ngumiti siya sakin at walang sinabi.

"Pwede ba magsalita ka, para akong gago dito."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. Maybe you can tell me it's all a mistake. Diba favorite word mo yun? Maybe you can tell me it's just an illusion or something." Wala parin siyang sinabi.

Dinala niya ang pinagkainan sa lababo at hinugasan habang nakatingin lang ako sa kape ko na nangangarap na sana malunod na lang ako dito. Nangyari na ang kinatatakutan ko, ang magmahal. At hindi pa nga nagtatagal nasasaktan na ako agad. `Yun ang isang bagay kaya wala akong hinayaan na lumapit sakin ng ganito. Nabibigyan sila ng pagkakataon para saktan ka.

Hindi ako iiyak, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Kung hindi niya man ako gusto gaya ng pagkagusto ko sa kanya, wala na akong pakialam. Mabuti ng matapos `to bago pa masimulan.

"You're so stupid!" Sabi ko sa sarili ko ng malakas.

"Don't blame yourself. I'm just irrisistable." Putang ina nang-inis pa.

"You think this is a joke? God! Ikaw ang nagsabi sakin na masyado akong matigas, na di kita pinapatuloy," umiiyak na ako sa mga sandaling yun. "Then you take my defenses away, make me fall in love with you so bad and now you're laughing at me? Putang ina, anong tingin mo sakin, ha? Laruan?"

Lumapit ako sa kanya at pinaikot para magkaharap kami. "Look at me! Am I a toy to you, Matt?" Hindi siya nagsalita ng matagal hanggang…

"Are you really in love with me, Kiros?"

"Bingi ka ba?"

"Kiros, mahal mo ba talaga ako?" Hinawakan nya ang pisngi ko. Tumango ako bilang sagot sa tanong niya. Lumakas ang buhos ng luha ko. Natakpan ng tubig ang paningin ko. Sunod naramdaman ko na lang ang labi ni Matt sa labi ko. Isang malambot na halik. Niyakap niya ako at bumulong sa tenga.

"I knew I loved you the first time I ever laid eyes on you. I know that sounds crazy but well, I'm crazy. And
I'm crazy in love with you."

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya.

"Ang korni mo. Parang gusto ko na tuloy bawiin ang sinabi ko."

Bulong ko sa kanya.

"You know that's not true."

"Yeah… I know."

Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit na sinuklian ko ng mas mahigpit na yakap. Hindi ako makapaniwalang sa iilang araw pa lang na magkakilala kami, ganito na ang mararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Pero hindi ako nagsisisi. Nawala ang takot ko sa kahit ano. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko. At alam ko na ngayong gabi, hindi na ako iiyak.

YM CONVERSATIONS (ISSUE NO.1)

2009-01-29T19:46:00.000-08:00

Him: Buzz.

Me: Buzz.

Him: What’s up?

Me: Nothing much, just checking my mails. You?

Him: Sad.

Me: Oh, what’s the matter?

Him: Long story.

Me: I have all day. =)

Him: We broke up.

Me: Again?

Him: This time I think it’s for real.

Me: Why what happened?

Him: I caught him.

Me: With someone?

Him: Nope. It wasn’t really me who saw him, it was my friend.

Me: How sure is your friend that it was your boyfriend he saw?

Him: He was pretty sure.

Me: Where?

Him: Bath house.

Me: Oh dear, what is he doing there?

Him: I don’t know.

Me: I want to give you a hug right now. Do you want some company?

Him: I’d rather be alone.

Me: But text me if you need anything okay?

Him: What will happen to me?

Me: You’ll be fine. You have your whole life in front of you. You have your family, your job, your friends. You have me if that makes any difference to you.

Him: I can’t live without him.

Me: Sure you can. I mean it will be hard… but it will pass.

Him: What have I done to deserve this?

Me: Don’t be too hard on yourself. It wasn’t you. He screwed up. You had nothing to do with that. You can’t control someone, even if they love you.

Him: I don’t think he loves me.

Me: You guys should talk… if not now, when you are both ready. You have to know why he went there.

Him: Knowing the reason won’t help me.

Me: But if that will help you on your next relationship, I think it’s still worth knowing.

Him: I love him so much.

Me: We all know that. But it’s not yet over, you can still try to patch things up.

Him: Then, he’ll do it again?

Me: I can’t speak for him. But everyone deserves a second chance don’t you think?

Him: Hell no, he doesn’t. I’m hurting now.

Me: That’s normal. But you gradually get over the pain. It doesn't go right away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he's not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the line you realize you've made it through half the day without thinking of him.

Him: How can I do that? We’ve been together for 2 years?

Me: Well, sometimes it takes months, sometimes, years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about him occasionally. You manage to do this because you don't see him as often as now, you don't hear about him, you try not to think about him.

Him: Do you think I should talk to him?

Me: Of course, for all times sake. For all the wonderful memories you guys shared.

Him: What is closure gonna bring me?

Me: Peace of mind.

Him: So I guess this is it for us huh? 2 years and everything went down the drain.

Me: Parting is a joint decision; a person could not leave you if you were not willing to release them. Are you?

Him: Am I what?

Me: Willing to release him?

Him: This time I am.

People Are People

2009-01-28T17:27:00.000-08:00

Anong bahagi ba ng tao ang totoong sya? Anong bahagi mo ba ang ikaw? Kung paghiwa-hiwalayin ang iba’t ibang parte ng tao, ano kaya sa mga ito ang magrerepresenta sa kanya? Sya ba ang utak o ang puso? Sya kaya ang baga o di kaya’y ang atay? Sya kaya ang apdo o ang bituka?

Nagtatanong lang naman.

Naisip ko kasing parating puso at utak lang ang nababanggit kapag pag ibig na ang napapag usapan, o di kaya’y kapag kailangang gumawa ng isang mahalagang desisyon. Ibig bang sabihin nito’y alin lang sa dalawa ang tao, ang puso o ang utak?

Kung ang tao ay ang kanyang utak, paano ang mga bobo, mahina din ba ang pagkatao nila? Paano ang mga baliw? Kulang din ba sa katinuan ang kanilang pagkatao? Kung maaksidente ka at mabagok ang iyong ulo? May lamat na ba ang pagkatao mo nun? Paano ang mga makalilimutin? Uliyanin din ba ang pagkatao nila?

Kung ang tao ay ang kanyang puso, paano kung magpa heart transplant sya? Hindi na ba sya yon? Mahina kaya ang pagkatao ng mga taong may sakit sa puso? Kung ipinanganak ang isang sanggol na may butas sa puso, butas din ba ang kanyang pagkatao?

Kung ang tao ay hindi ang kanyang utak o puso, sino sya?

Kung ang tao ay ang kanyang buhok, panot din ba ang pagkatao ng mga taong kalbo? Magulo din ba ang pagkatao ng mga kulot? Maputi din ba ang pagkatao ng mga matatanda?

Kung ang tao ay ang kanyang ngipin, kulang kulang ba ang pagkatao ng mga taong bungal? Mabaho ba ang pagkatao ng mga may bad breath? Hindi ba totoo ang pagkatao ng mga may pustiso?

Kung ang tao ay ang kanyang mata, malabo din ba ang pagkatao ng mga taong hindi malinaw ang paningin? Apat din ba ang pagkatao ng mga naka salamin? Blue din ba ang pagkatao ng mga naka contacts? Mapula ba ang pagkatao ng mga taong may sore eyes? At madumi din ba ang pagkatao ng mga taong may muta?

Kung ang tao ay ang kanyang baga, may spotting din ba ang pagkatao ng mga may TB? Mausok din ba ang pagkatao ng mga nagyoyosi?

Kung ang tao ay ang kanyang balat, maitim ba ang pagkatao ng mga negro? maputi ang mga mestizo? at madilaw ang mga intsik? Magaspang ba ang pagkatao ng mga may buni at an-an?

Kung ang tao ay ang kanyang boobs (para sa mga babae), malaki ba ang pagkatao ng mga may malaking hinaharap at nakadapa ba ang pagkatao ng mga models? Silicone ba ang pagkatao ng mga nagpa augment?

Kung ang tao ay ang ari ng babae, ibig bang sabihin nito ay napapasok ng isang lalaki ang pagkatao ng isang babae habang nagtatalik? Dinudugo din ba ang pagkatao ng taong may regla?

Kung ang tao ay ang ari ng lalake, supot ba ang pagkatao ng mga hindi tuli? Matigas ba ang pagkatao ng mga pervert? Ibig bang sabihin nito ay naisusubo ng isang babae o ng isang lalake ang pagkatao ng isang lalakeng kanilang bino blow job? Nilalabasan din ba ang pagkatao ng isang taong nag cum?

Kung mag donate ako ng isang parte ng aking katawan sa iba, kulang na ba ang pagkatao ko o mas lalong nabuo? Kung ibigay ko ang aking kidney sa iyo, ikaw ba ay ako na din? O ako ang naging ikaw?

Sa aking palagay ang tao ay higit pa sa pinagsama samang parte ng katawan. Higit pa sa iba’t ibang body systems. Higit pa sa combination ng kanyang mga buto o ugat. Sa aking palagay, ang tao ay ang kanyang mga pangarap at karanasan. Sya ay ang kanyang mga hangarin at layunin sa buhay. Sya ang kanyang prinsispyo at mga paniniwala. Sya ay ang kanyang mga kapatid, mga kaibigan, mga kaaway. Sya ay ang kanyang mga magulang, ang kanyang ina at ama.

Ang tao ay ang kanyang damdamin.

Ang tao ay ang kanyang kaluluwa.

Ang tao ay ang kanyang misyon sa buhay.

Ang tao ay tao.

Ikaw, sino ka bang talaga?

Nasa ROYGBIV ba ang paboritong kulay mo?

2009-01-27T17:15:00.000-08:00

Red – Orange – Yellow – Green – Blue – Indigo – Violet

Pagkatapos ng mahabang ulan, may pitong kulay na biglang susulpot sa kalangitan na syang magsisilbing tanda na may pag asa sa bawat pasakit.

Sabi sa lumang kasulatan, ang bahag hari daw ang simbolong ibinigay ng Diyos sa atin bilang tanda na hindi na nya muli pang sisirain ang daigdig. Mula noon ay naging simbulo na ito ng pag asa para sa lahat. Naging simbulo din ito ng mga bading. Ewan ko pero kapag gay pride ang daming rainbows eh. Sabi nga nung isang text na natanggap ko:

San Pedro: Mga bakla, hindi kayo pwede dito sa langit.

Mga bakla: Ok lng yun San Pedro, dito na lang kme sa rainbow, mag slide-slide.

Pero kung iisiping mabuti, ang paglitaw ng bahag-hari ay parang sa pag-ibig din lang.

Pagkatapos ng isang malupit na kabiguan, pagkatapos ng isang matinding hiwalayan, pagkatapos ng pamamaalam, may mga tao pang pwedeng paglaanan ng iyong oras at wagas na pagmamahal. Hindi naman dapat matapos ang buhay sa break up o sa divorce. Hindi naman katapusan ang pagka annul ng isang kasal.

Kagaya ng bahag hari, parating mag bagong pag asang hatid ang pagtila ng ulan. Dahil sa oras na isinara mo na ang iyong payong, may pitong kulay na biglang susulpot sa kalangitan na syang magsisilbing tanda na padating na ang bagong pag-asa.

Yun nga lang, ang problema, kadalasan sa dami ng kulay na pwedeng pagpilian, yung dati pa ring kulay ang paborito mo.

At ang kulay na paborito mo ay wala sa ROYGBIV.

Ikaw, ang paboritong kulay mo ba ay nasa ROYGBIV?

USAPANG POPPERS

2009-01-26T17:05:00.000-08:00

Sabihin nyo ng tanga ako o inosente pero hindi ko talaga alam kung ano yung poppers. Nakakatuwang isipin na umabot ako sa ganitong edad ng hindi alam kung para saan ito. Kung kaya naman nung nag text ang kaibigan ko ng ganito:

Him: Hey, are you free tonight?

Me: Yeah, why, what’s up?

Him: Poppers tayo?

Me: Sure.

Dahil ayoko namang itanong pa kung ano yun, nag yes na lang ako. Buti na lang at natagalan ako sa gym noong araw na yun kaya hindi naman natuloy ang dapat sana ay pagkikita namin.

Habang kinakalikot ko ang gym bag ng aking kaibigan (hindi ko na babanggitin ang pangalan nya dahil lumabas sya ngayon sa mga indie films), nakita ko nang isang maliit na bote. Malay ko ba naman kung ano yun. Kaya, tinanong ko sya:

Me: Dude ano ‘to?

Him: Wala yan.

Me: Eh bakit dala dala mo? Ano bang laman nyan?

Him: Wala nga yan, dami mong tanong.

Me: Eh magtatanong ba ako kung alam ko.

Him: Poppers yan.

Me: Huh? Eto ba yung poppers?

Him: Oo, wag mo sabihing hindi mo alam.

Me: Ang kulit mo. Ang sakit mo sa bangs. Itatanong ko ba kung alam ko? Drugs bay an?

Him: Parang.

Me: Meron bang ganun. Parang drugs pero parang hindi?

Him: Oo. Yan.

Me: Para saan ba yan?

Him: Ginagamit yan kapag nakikipag sex, para madali ang penetration.

Me: Huh? Diba nga mas masarap yung mahirap i-penetrate?

Him: Para mabilis.

Me: Nagmamadali ba kayo? May lakad ka?

Him: Adik!

Me: Ikaw ang nag du-drugs ako pa ang adik.

Him: Hindi nga drugs yan.

Me: Oo, parang drugs lang.

Him: Kse ang effect nyan mag rerelax yung anal sphincter mo.

Me: Bakit? Tense ba?

Him: Wala kang kwentang kausap bro.

Me: Bakit nga kailangan i-relax? Tense ba? Bakit ka naman matetense makipag sex?

Him: Eh masikip pa ko noh.

Me: Kung madalas mong gagamitin ‘to, edi luluwag ka din nun.

Him: At least hindi ako nasaktan.

Me: Eventually, hindi mo na din mararamdaman.

Him: Wag mo nga akong guluhin.

Me: Alam mo kseng mali. Diba mas masarap yung nararamdaman mo.

Him: Oo.

Me: See.

Him: Eh masakit nga kse.

Me: Kung nasasaktan ka edi wag ka na magpa bottom. Dude ang laki laki ng katawan mo noh.

Him: Wala naman sa body built yun eh. Tsaka gusto ng lover ko.

Me: Lover? Akala ko ba single ka? Eh, gusto mo din naman yun diba?

Him: Hindi.

Me: So ginagawa mo lang yan para sa kanya? Wag ka ngang sinungaling.

Him: Syempre nag eenjoy din ako dun.

Me: Kita mo na. Eh bakit pa kailangan ng poppers? Hindi ka ba mage enjoy kung wala nun?

Him: Masakit nga.

Me: Kung hindi mo na nararamdaman na pina fuck ka nya, pano ka mage enjoy nun?

Him: Sya, nag eenjoy sya.

Me: Edi para nga yan sa kanya.

Him: Siguro.

Me: Wala bang side effects yan?

Him: Wala naman siguro.

Me: So hindi ka sure?

Him: Hindi.

Me: Ginagamit mo pero hindi mo alam. Mapapahamak ka nyan eh. Hindi ka man lang nag research? Importanteng alam mo ang side effects ng long term use nyan. Hindi naman pwedeng mag enjoy ka lang ngayon tapos deal with the consequences later.

Him: Bakit ka ba nakiki alam?

Me: Coz I care about you.

Him: Kse you like me?

Me: Ang sakit mo sa bangs ha. Sino ba kseng nagturo syo nyan?

Him: Yung na meet ko sa isang bar.

Me: Wow, how convenient. Isang gabi mo lang nakilala, pinagkatiwalaan mo na kagad.

Him: Eh, nag work naman eh. Tsaka ginagamit din nung isang gym mate ko eh.

Me: Bottom din sya?

Him: Hindi. Pinapagamit nya sa mga one night stands nya.

Me: So idol mo sya?

Him: Bakit nga kse, ano bang problema? Kung may side effects edi meron.

Me: Ikaw bahala, basta ako pinagsabihan kita ha.

Him: Bakit ba ang bait bait mo sa kin?

Me: Mabait ako sa lahat.

Him: Parang hindi naman.

Me: I want you here for a long time. That’s why I want you safe.

Him: Keep me safe.

Kung totoong “Truth Hurts”, gusto mo pa bang malaman?

2009-01-25T12:44:00.000-08:00

Katotohanan... masakit, mahirap marinig, nag iiwan ng kirot sa puso.

Kung iisipin, lahat ay gustong malaman ang totoo pero madalas din, walang gustong makadinig nito... lalo na kung alam mong masasaktan ka... kung hindi handa ang iyong kalooban... kung hindi matatag ang iyong damdamin.

Minsan, nagsasabi tayo ng totoo, dahil ang katotohanan lamang ang tanging mayroon tayo.

Minsan, nagsasabi tayo ng totoo, dahil kailangan natin itong ilabas, sabihin ng malakas, galing mismo sa ating sariling bibig.

Minsan, nagsasabi tayo ng totoo dahil hindi na natin mapigilan ang ating mga sarili.

At pagka minsan...

paminsan - minsan...

Nagsasabi tayo ng katotohanan, dahil alam natin, sa kaibituran ng ating mga puso, na karapat-dapat nilang marinig kung ano ang totoo mula sa atin at hindi mula sa iba...

Dahil ganun na lamang silang kaimportante sa atin.

Takot Ka Ba Sa Dilim?

2009-01-20T12:38:00.000-08:00

Noong mga bata pa tayo, nakakatakot ang pagsapit ng gabi dahil sa mga multo sa ilalim ng ating mga kama. Sari-saring aswang ang naimbento ng mga matatanda para matakot tayo sa dilim. Sari-saring kababalaghan ang naipalabas na sa sampung instalments ng Shake, Rattle and Roll.

Habang tumatanda tayo at nagkakaisip, iba na ang mga multong ating kinakaharap.

Kalungkutan.

Pag-aalinlangan sa sariling kakayahan.

Panghihinayang sa mga bagay na hindi nagawa at nasabi.

Dalamhati.

Pighati.

At kahit na nasa sapat na tayong edad at marami-rami na din naming nalalaman, parati pa rin tayong natatakot sa dilim.

Pagtulog, ito ang pinaka madaling solusyon. Ang kailangan lang ay ipikit ang iyong mga mata. Pero para sa nakararami sa atin, maging ang pagtulog ay isang pagsubok. Gusto natin ito, pero may pagkakataong kahit pagtulog ay hindi natin makuhang magawa.

Subalit, kapag natutunan nating harapin ang ating mga kinatatakutan at bumaling sa iba para humingi ng tulong, ang pagsapit ng gabi ay hindi na gaanong nakakakilabot...

Dahil alam natin, na kahit sa dilim, hindi tayo nag-iisa.

Ikaw, takot ka ba sa dilim?

Happy but Wrong? or Right but Sad?

2009-01-15T19:32:00.000-08:00

Isa na namang text message ang natanggap ko galing sa isang kaibigan. Ang sabi sa message: “If you were to make the biggest decision of your life, what would you rather be? Happy but wrong? or right but sad?”

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko makita ang sense ng message na ito pero dahil nagtanong sya, sasagutin ko na lang din. Apat lang naman ang salitang napapaloob sa tanong --- happy, sad, right at wrong. Kung tutuusin dapat ay madali mo lang masasagot ito lalo na kung kilala mo ang iyong sarili. Pero bago ko ibigay ang aking opinion, subukan muna nating i-define ang apat na salitang ginamit ng nagtanong base sa kung paano ito inilarawan ni Merriam Webster.

Right: acting in accord with divine or moral law: free from guilt or sin

Wrong: an injurious, unfair, or unjust act, action or conduct inflicting harm without due provocation or just cause. A violation or invasion of the legal rights of another.

Happy: enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment

Sad: affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness: downcast

Ngayong alam na natin ang ibig sabihin ng mga salita, paano mo sasagutin ang tanong? Pipiliin mo bang maging mali pero masaya ka naman o mas pipilin mo na lang na gawin ang tama kahit ang kapalit nito ay ang iyong kalungkutan?

Nag iisip ka pa rin? Hindi mo pa din alam?

Kung ako ang iyong tatanungin, sa kahit ano pa mang sitwasyon, sa kahit ano pa mang panahon, at sa kahit sino pa man ang kasangkot, lagi at paulit ulit ko pa ring gagawin kung ano ang sa palagay ko ay tama. Subalit, hindi ako sumasang ayon na ito ay magdudulot sa akin ng kalungkutan.

Una, naniniwala ako na sa paggawa lamang ng tama o sa tingin natin ay tama, ang natatangi at tiyak na makapagbibigay sa atin ng saya. Paanong magiging masaya ang isang tao kung alam nya na gumawa sya ng masama sa iba man o sa kanyang sarili? Take note, ang sabi ko ay kung alam nya na masama ang kanyang ginawa sa sarili man o sa kapwa. Labas dito kung ang desisyng iyon ay nakasakit sa kanya o sa iba.

Bakit kamo?

Dahil hindi naman natin kontrolado ang mararamdaman ng iba. Kung tayo ay mag desisyon at sa huli ay makasakit, hindi natin ito ginawa para intensyonal na makasakit ng iba. Ang sakit na kanilang naramdaman ay ang reaksyon nila sa kung ano mang bagay ang nasabi o nangyari. Halimbawa, nakipaghiwalay ka sa iyong syota. Nasaktan sya at nagalit dahil para sa kanya ay hindi sapat ang iyong dahilan. Kung nakipaghiwalay ka dahil iyon ang alam mong tama para sa inyong dalawa, naging masama ka na bang tao dahil sya ay nasakatan? Noong magdesisyon ka bang makipaghiwalay, ano sa dalawang tanong na ito ang iyong sinagot? Una, ano kaya ang mas makabubuti para sa aming relasyon? o Paano ko ba masasaktan ang taong ito, gusto ko talaga sya makitang umiyak? Hindi ba’t malimit ay ang unang tanong naman ang ating sinasagot. Bibihira lang naman siguro ang taong gigising sa umaga at magtatanong ng, paano kaya ako makakasakit ng tao ngayon o paano ko kaya sasaktan ang aking sarili? Hindi ba’t magiging masaya pa rin tayo dahil alam natin, sa kaibuturan ng ating mga puso na tama ang ating ginawang desisyon.

Kung ang isang bagay ay alam nating mali subalit atin pa ding ginawa, sa tingin mo ba ito’y makakapagpasaya sa atin? Na ito’y tunay na makakapagpasaya sa atin? Totoo kayang pwede maging “wrong but happy” ang isang tao? Kung alam mong masama ang pumatay at pumatay ka ng iyong kaibigan, magiging masaya ka kaya? Kung lumaki ka na alam mong mali ang hindi gumalang sa matatanda, ang pambabastos mo kaya ay magdudulot sa iyo ng kasiyahan? Kung alam mong masama mag droga pero ginawa mo pa din, kung alam mong masama magnakaw pero kumuha ka ng gamit ng iba, kung alam mong masama manloko pero nagtaksil ka sa iyong kasintahan, kung alam mong masama ang hindi magsabi ng totoo pero nagsinungaling ka sa iyong mga magulang, magiging masaya ka kaya?

Ikaw lang ang makasasagot sa mga tanong na iyan.

Ang alam ko, sabi nila, kung ano ang bawal yun ang masarap. Take note, masarap pero hindi naman masaya. Maaaring habang ginagawa mo ang isang bagay na mali o bawal ay nasasarapan ka pero sa huli hindi ibig sabihin nito na mkapagdudulot din ito sa iyo ng saya.

Huwag nating lokohin ang ating mga sarili. Huwag nating bigyan ng justification ang lahat para lamang magawa natin ang mga bagay na sa una pa lang ay alam na nating mali. Huwag sana nating gamiting dahilan ang sayang maibibigay sa atin ng paggawa ng hindi wasto sa kapwa at sa sarili.

Kung kaya’t hindi ako naniniwalang may taong “right but sad”. Para sa akin, wala itong kabuluhan sapagkat ang taong gumagawa ng tama ay parating masaya, Maaaring malungkot sya pansamantala dahil nasaktan sya o nakasakit pero sa huli’y saya pa rin ang idudulot ng paggawa ng tama. Halimbawa, nakipagrelasyon ka sa may asawa na, napag isip isip mong mali ang iyong ginagawa kaya’t pinili mo na lang na makipaghiwalay. Natural na masakatan ka, pero dahil sa alam mong tama ang iyong ginawa, hindi ba’t sa huli ay magiging masaya ka din? Ito sana ang nais kong maintindihan mo, ang mga taong nasasaktan ay hindi naman ibig sabihing hindi masaya. Ang isang taong nahihirapan ay hindi ibig sabihing malungkot.

Pero hindi ba’t may nagsabi din na happiness daw is a choice. Tama naman. May punto ang nagsabi noon. Pero hindi bat loneliness is a choice din. Kung gayon pwede kang maging right but happy o di kaya’y right but sad. Pwede ka ding maging wrong but happy o di kaya’y wrong but sad ayon sa paniniwala mo.

Samakatuwid, kung ang tanong ay ganito, ano ang gagawin mo, yung tama o yung mali? Hindi ba’t mas madaling sagutin, syempre yung tama. Pero kapag nadagdagan na ng kung ano ang pwedeng idulot nito sa atin gaya ng kasiyahan o kalungkutan, mas mahirap na dahil wala namang ni isa sa atin na gustong maging malungkot.

Ang paggawa ng tama, mali man sa mata ng iba ay tama pa rin. Ang paggawa ng tama magdulot man ng sakit sa sarili o sa iba ay tama pa din. Sa huli, pagbali-baliktarin mo man ang mundo, subukan mo mang ibalik ang panahon, o di kaya’y itigil ang oras, ang tamang iyong nagawa kahapon ay tama pa din ngayon at tama pa din bukas.

Ikaw, “If you were to make the biggest decision of your life, what would you rather be? Happy but wrong? or right but sad?”

Baka Natutunaw Na Ang Ice Cream Mo

2009-01-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

Nakakatuwang pagmasdan ang mga bata. Pala ngiti. Masiyahin. Malikot. Mapang masid. Tapat. Bata. Napaka inosente nila. Parang walang problema sa buhay. Hindi alintana ang pagtaas ng presyo ng mga bilihin o ang recession na nangyayari sa Amerika. Madaling magparaya at laging puno ng pag asa.

Ang sarap maging bata. Totoo. Kung babalikan ko ang mga nagdaang taon sa aking buhay, ang kabataan ko na yata ang maituturing kong pinaka makulay... ang pinakamasaya. Walang deadlines na hinahabol. Walang assignments or exams. Ang tanging problema lamang noon ay ang pag-inom ng gatas at pagtulog sa tanghali. Walang nag eexpect at walang nag dedemand. Malaya kang gawin ang iyong nais. Malaya kang magkamali at matuto. Hindi na nakapagtataka kung bakit marami ang gustong manatili na lamang bata habambuhay.

Kanina ay ipinagdiwang ang araw ng batang Kristo, ang Sto Nino. Sabi ni Father, ang Pilipinas lang daw ang natatanging bansa sa Asya na mayroong Sto. Nino kung kaya’t mapalad tayo. Sabi pa nya, ang itsura daw ng mga Pilipino ay mas bata kumpara sa kanilang totoong edad. Sa palagay ko’y tama doon si Father. Dala na ito marahil ng ating pagiging masiyahin.

Sabi ng lola, iba na daw ang mga bata ngayon. Hi-tech na daw ang mga gamit at laruan. Nakikisabay na sila sa takbo ng siyensya at panahon. Maaaring totoo, subalit nakakatuwang isipin na ang mga simpleng bagay na nakapagdulot sa atin ng kasiyahan noon ay naghahatid pa rin ng kasiyahan sa kanila ngayon.

Pagkatapos ng misa kanina, pinagmasdan ko ang mga bata. May nag aayang kumain sa Jollibee (wala pang McDonald’s sa bayan namin), may nagpapabili ng ibon, may bugnot na at gusto ng umuwi at may nagpabili ng laruan sa plaza. Kapistahan na ng aming patrong Nuestra Senora de Candelaria sa Febuary 2, at gaya ng naka ugalian na, parating may baratillo sa bayan. Marami doong tindang kung ano ano na inaangkat pa yata mula sa Divisoria.

Kung tutuusin, wala naming nakakagulat sa tanawing ito. Ako man dati ay nagpapabili ng cotton candy sa tatay sa tuwing matatapos ang misa. Masaya na ako kapag may cotton candy ako. Dala dala ko ito hanggang sa bahay ng aking lola dahil dumadaan kami doon bago umuwi ng bahay para mag mano.

Sa gitna ng lahat ng ito ay may nakatawag ng aking pansin. Isang bata na may dala dala ng lobo. Nakakatuwa kung paanong hindi nya inaalis ang mga mata nya sa hawak nyang lobo na para bang kung titingin sya sa iba o di kaya’y pipikit man lang ay mawawala ito.

Mahilig din ako sa lobo noon. Simple lang ang mga lobo dati. Bilog lang. Ngayon kse ay kung ano ano na ang mga hugis. May hugis pagong, aso, buwaya, kuneho at pating. Hugis ni Godzilla ang hawak na lobo ng batang lalake. Tuwang tuwa sya habang pinagmamasdan ito.

Habang abalang abala ang bata sa pagtingin sa lobo at hindi nya namamalayan na natutunaw na pala ang dala dala nyang ice cream sa kabilang kamay. Mga ilang segundo pa siguro’y ice cream cone na lang ang hawak hawak nya.

Naisip ko, hindi nya kaya nararamdaman na tumutulo na ang ice cream? Bakit hindi nya ito pinapansin? Hindi ba pwedeng kumain ng ice cream at tingnan ang lobo ng sabay? Ano ba ang mas importante sa bata, ang ice cream o ang lobo?

Sa likod ng payak na tanawin na ito nagtatago ang mas malalim at mas mahalagang realidad ng buhay. Naisip ko, madalas ay gaya din tayo ng bata. Kalimitan ay abala din tayo sa pagtingin sa lobong hawak hawak ng ating isang kamay. Abala tayo sa pag abot ng ating mga pangarap. Abala sa mga bagay na sa ating palagay ay makapagbibigay sa atin ng lubos na kaligayahan sa buhay. Gaya ng mga lobo ngayon, iba’t ibang uri din ng lobo ang hawak ng bawat isa. May lobo ng pangarap, lobo ng trabaho, lobo ng kayamanan, lobo ng mga material na bagay, lobo ng panandaliang saya, lobo ng masamang bisyo, lobo ng bawal na gamot at ang napaka kulay na lobo ng pag ibig.

Ngunit hindi naman mahalaga kung anong lobo ang hawak natin. Ang mas importante ay kung paanong hindi natin napapabayaan ang mga bagay o mga tao sa ating paligid na sa huli’y siya namang tunay na mas mahalaga.

Ang sa akin lang, sana’y huwag natin mapabayaan ang ating mga pamilya dahil lamang sa kagustuhang abutin ang isang pangarap. Sana’y huwag nating isaalang alang ang ating mga prinsipyo sa buhay para lamang magkamit ng panandaliang kayamanan. Sana’y huwag mawala ang respeto natin sa ating mga sarili sa kagustuhang makuha ang lobo ng pag-ibig. Sana’y hindi maging huli ang lahat bago natin bigyang pansin ang ice cream na unti unti na palang natutunaw sa ating kabilang kamay.

Masuwerte tayo kung kagaya ng bata, pwede tayo ulit bumili ng panibagong ice cream. Masuwerte tayo kung pwedeng bumawi sa nawalang panahon. Masuwerte tayo kung may naghihintay pa sa ating bumalik dahil tunay silang nagmamahal sa atin. Masuwerte tayo kung hindi pa huli ang lahat.

Huwag na sana nating palagpasin ang pagkakataong makasama ang mga taong mahal natin sa buhay. I-enjoy natin ang bawat pagkakataong ibinibigay sa atin. Huwag sanang matunaw ang ice cream sa ating mga kamay dahil lamang abala tayo sa pagtingin sa hawak hawak nating lobo.

Ikaw? Natutunaw na ba ang ice cream mo?

Hindi naman status ang “LOVE”

2009-01-05T17:25:00.000-08:00

Isang text message ang natanggap ko mula sa isang textmate. Ang totoo, hindi naman ito ang unang pagkakataong natanggap ko ang text message na ito, madaming beses na, pero ngayon ko lang naisipang sumulat tungkol dito. Ang sabi sa text: “So what if you are single, dating or in a relationship? At the end of the day, love is not a status.”

Nakakainis diba! Lalo na kapag nagsasagot ka ng mga application forms. Parati na lang tinatanong ang status mo. Single na nga ako sa mga application forms, pati ba naman sa totoong buhay eh single pa din.

Nakakatuwang isipin kung papaanong ang lipunan ay kayang isalarawan ang estado ng pakikipag relasyon ng isang tao sa pamamagitan lamang ng isang salita, na para bagang kaya na nitong bigyang kahulugan ang iyong buong pagkatao.

Sa aking pagkaka alam, ang marital status ng isang indibidwal ay pwedeng isalarawan sa siyam na paraan. Ito ay ang mga sumusunod:

1. Single --- a single person is one who is not married or in a romantic relationship. Single people may engage in dating to find a partner or spouse. Not all single people actively seek out a relationship, however, as some are content to wait for the 'right' person to enter their lives, while others do not seek relations at all due to being asexual or disabled.

2. Married --- Marriage is a social, religious, spiritual, or legal union of individuals. This union may also be called matrimony, while the ceremony that marks its beginning is usually called a wedding and the married status created is sometimes called wedlock.

3. Separated --- Legal separation (sometimes "separate maintenance," "divorce a mensa et thoro," or "divorce from bed-and-board") is a possible step towards divorce under the laws of many countries. A couple is legally separated only if the couple has successfully petitioned a court to recognize their separation; simply living apart does not constitute separation for these purposes.

4. Divorced --- Divorce or dissolution of marriage is a legal process that leads to the end of a marriage. Divorce laws vary considerably around the world. Divorce is not permitted in some countries, such as in Malta and in the Philippines, though an annulment is permitted.

5. Widowed --- A widow is a woman whose husband has died. A man whose wife has died is a widower. The state of having lost one's spouse to death is termed widowhood or (occasionally) viduity. The adjective is widowed.

6. Engaged --- An engagement is a promise to marry, and also refers to the time between proposal and marriage. During this period, a couple is said to be affianced, betrothed, engaged to be married, or simply engaged.

7. Annulled --- Annulment is a legal procedure for declaring a marriage null and void. Unlike divorce, it is retroactive: an annulled marriage is considered never to have existed.

8. Cohabitating --- Cohabitation is when people live together in an emotionally- and/or physically-intimate relationship. The term is most frequently applied to couples who are not married.

9. Deceased --- Death is the permanent termination of the biological functions that define a living organism. It refers both to a particular event and to the continuing condition that results thereby.

Isang salita para sa bawat isang tao. Nakakamangha kung paanong pwedeng ikategorya ng lipunan ang bawat isa sa atin. Kung papaanong pwedeng bigyan ng labels ang lahat.

Sa friendster nga, higit pa rito ang pwede mong pagpilian. May in a relationship, domestic partnership, at ang nakakatuwang status na: it’s complicated. Hindi lang yan, pwede mo ring ilagay kung ikaw ay interesado sa: Dating Men, Dating Women, Relationship with Men, Relationship with Women, Friends, Activity Partners o di kaya’y Just looking around. Sa guys4men nga, pwede mo ding ikategorya ang iyong sarili ng: chat only or looking for hook ups.

Kung susuriing mabuti. Hindi pwedeng isang salita lang magsalarawan ng totoong status ng isang tao. Halimbawa, madami kayang klase ng “single.” Bakit hindi rin kaya nila ito isama sa pwede mong pagpiliian sa status mo sa friendster? May single since birth, single by choice, single and happy, single and looking, single and enjoying, single and fooling around, single and dating, single and seeing a married guy, single and dating a couple, single and contented, single and doesn’t want to date, single but wants to be in a relationship, single blessedness, single and afraid of commitment at singles for Christ.

Kahit nga ang divorce ay may iba’t ibang uri din. May no-fault divorce, at-fault divorce, summary divorce, uncontested divorce, collaborative divorce, mediated divorce at kung ano ano pang terminolohiyo na sa huli’y ang ibig lang din namang sabihin ay wala ka ng asawa.

Kung ikaw ay nasa isang relasyon, sapat na bang sabihing ikaw ay “In a relationship”. Kaya na ba nitong ilarawan ang nararamdaman mo para sa iyong ka relasyon? Hindi ba’t maraming uri din naman nito. May in a relationship but wants to get out of a relationship, may in a relationship and happy, may in a relationship but sad, may in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship as well, may in a relationship with yourself, may in a relationship with work, may in a relationship with my book, my laptop or with my bed, may in a relationship with my dog, my cat or my bird, may in a relationship with a married guy, may in a relationship with my family, may in a relationship with the same sex, may in a relationship with a divorcee, may in a relationship with a ghost at may in a relationship with God. Hindi ba’t mas maganda kung ang status na ibininigay sa atin ay pwede nating i-personalize ayon sa kung sino o kung ano ang karelasyon natin?

Pag-ibig. Isa na marahil ito sa pinakapopular na topic sa buong mundo. Lahat ay naghahangad na maranasan ito kung hindi ma’y mabigyan man lang ng pagkakataong iparanas ito sa iba. Subalit ang pag big ay malayo sa status mo sa friendster, malayo ito sa tawag sa iyo ng lipunan, malayo ito sa nakasulat sa iyong mga applicaton forms. Nakakalungkot isipin na kayang ikahon ang ibig sabihin ng pag ibig sa isang salitang sing ikli lang ng single o di kaya’y married.

Sa huli, higit sa ano mang status sa friendster, ang totoong mas mahalaga ay ang totoong status natin sa buhay na hindi nakadepende sa iisang salita lamang. Higit na mahalaga ay ang pagmamahal natin sa ating mga sarili at ang pagbabahagi ng ating oras at panahon sa mga taong mahal natin. Higit na mahalaga ay kung papaanong isinasabuhay natin ang tunay na kahalugan ng pag ibig.

Sabi nga ng isang text message na aking natanggap, sa huli, ang pag ibig ay hindi naman talaga status.

The Curious Case of Marvin Garcia

2009-01-01T07:29:00.000-08:00

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And what do you get at the end of it?

Death.

What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

Now, that’s more like it. =)

Napanood ko ang “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” noong Sabado. Ang haba ng pelikula. Tatlong oras din yata akong nag isip kung paano ito matatapos. Kung ang katapusan nga ba ang simula o ang simula ang katapusan. Maraming nagsabi sa akin na ang pelikula daw ay tungkol sa kamatayan pero matapos ko itong mapanood, sa palagay ko’y mas tungkol ito sa buhay.

Madami-dami din naman akong nailuha habang pinapanood ko ito. Nakakahiya man sa nakakita o nakarinig sa akin ay wala na akong paki alam. Basta’t hinahayaan ko lang pumatak ang luha ko sa mga eksenang naisin nitong pumatak. Naisip ko, ano mang katapusan ay nagdudulot naman talaga sa atin ng kalungkutan. Kapag may nagpaalam, pag-ibig na natapos, kaibigang lumayo o di kaya’y mahal sa buhay na pumanaw. Ang tema ng paghihiwalay ay laging nag iiwan ng kurot sa ating mga puso.

Kung ako ang iyong tatanungin, maganda ang pelikula. Kung may panahon ka, panoorin mo ito. Ito ay sumasalamin sa katotohanan, pagpapatawad, pagmamahal at pagtanggap --- sa sarili at sa kapwa, sa mga kahinaan at lakas, sa mga kalabisan at mga pagkukulang.

Sa kalagitnaan ng pelikula, naisip ko, anong buhay nga ba ang mas may kabuluhan? Ang batang tumatanda sa paglipas ng panahon o ang matandang bumabata habang tumatakbo ang oras? May pagkaka iba kaya? Mas marami bang maaaring matutunan ang isang taong bumabata kaysa sa isang taong nag kaka edad?

Ipinanganak si Benjamin Button na isang sanggol na animo’y may kung anong karamdaman. Ang itsura nya ay maihahalintulad sa isang taong may edad na 70. Namatay ang kanyang ina habang sya ay isinisilang. At dahil nga sa hindi pangkaraniwan ang kanyang itsura ay iniwan sya ng kanyang sariling ama sa hagdanan ng isang gusaling kumukupkop sa mga taong matatanda. Dalawang uri ng pagmamahal ang makikita natin dito.

Una, pagmamahal ng isang ina sa kanyang anak na sukdulang ibigay ang sariling buhay para lamang mailabas sya sa mundong ibabaw. Napakaganda ng sinabi ng ina ni Benjamin sa asawa nito, “Please make sure you keep him safe.” Hanggang sa huling hininga ng kanyang ina ay kapakanan pa ng kanyang anak ang kanyang iniisip. Sa eksenang ito, masasabi kong si Benjamin na marahil ang pinaka swerteng sanggol na ipinanganak.

Pangalawa, ay ang pagmamahal na ipinakita ng kanyang ama. Naisip ko, mahal nya kaya talaga ang kanyang anak? Ginawa nya kaya talaga kung ano ang sa tingin nya ay makabubuti para dito? Hindi naman nya ito pinatay, subalit hindi rin naman nya ito inalagaan. Ang sa akin lang, ang pagmamahal ay laging katuwang ng pagtanggap. Nakakalungkot isipin na ang sarili nyang ama ay hindi sya natanggap sa simula pa lang. Nakakalungkot na hindi sya binigyan ng pagkakataong mapatunayan kung ano ang kaya nyang gawin. Nakakalungkot na sya ay hinusgahan base sa panlabas na kaanyuan. Paano natin maaasahang maintindihan tayo ng lipunan kung ang sarili nating mga tahanan, na syang dapat magtuturo sa atin ng pangunawa at pagmamahal, ay agad na tayong tinalikuran?

Kung binasa ko ang librong “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” marahil ay nabagot ako. May mga eksena kse dito tungkol sa World War II. Ewan ko ba, pero hindi lang siguro talaga ako ganun kainteresado sa mga giyera at digmaan.

Sa pag unawa sa buhay, naisip kong hindi naman importante kung tumanda ka o bumabata habang nagtatagal. Ang importante ay natuto kang magbigay, magmahal, magpatawad at magparaya. Ang mahalaga ay bumabangon ka sa bawat pagkakadapa at natututong mangarap muli sa bawat pagkabigo.

Sa huli, tumatanda man ang isang tao o bumabata, ang lahat ay mauuwi rin naman sa pinaka pinal na yugto ng buhay --- kamatayan. Pero ano nga ba ang kamatayan? Isang katapusan? Hindi ba’t ito ay panibagong simula rin lang naman. Panibagong simula para sa namaalam at panibagong simula para sa kanyang mga naiwan.

Ang lahat ay totoong hiram lamang --- ang oras, pamilya, kaibigan, kalusugan, karunungan, kayamanan. Lahat, pagdating ng takdang oras ay kukuhanin din sa atin. Ang mahalaga ay natuto tayong pahalagahan ang lahat ng ito habang tayo ay nabubuhay. Ang mahalaga ay naibahagi natin sa iba ang mga biyayang sa atin ay ipinagkaloob. At higit na mahalaga ay natuto tayong igalang at mahalin ang ating mga sarili gayun din ang ating kapwa.

Komplikado ang buhay. Habang higit mo itong pilit na iniintindi ay lalo mo itong hindi naiintindihan. Naisip ko lang, kapag nilisan na kaya natin ang mundong ito, baon kaya natin ang ating mga alala o maging iyon ay kukunin din sa atin? Kung kuhanin ang lahat sa atin, dapat ba tayong maging malungkot o dapat ba tayong maging masaya dahil minsan ito ay sa atin?

Napaka hiwaga talaga ng buhay. Lahat ng ating pinagdadaanan ay nagmumulat sa atin sa mga panibagong katanungan na pilit naman nating hahanapan ng mga bagong kasagutan.

Sa huli, lahat naman ay mauuwi rin talaga sa pagmamahal. At pwede lang tayong mangarap na totoong mahal nga natin ang ating mga sarili, na mahal natin kung ano tayo ngayon --- bunga ng lahat ng ating mga pinagdaanan.Kung totoong mahal natin an gating mga sarili, magawi man tayo sa dulo ng walang hanggan, hindi na natin kailangan pang matakot dahil sat nay na pagmamahal maaari na tayong lumipad.

It's that time of year again... my birthday.

2008-10-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again, when I age a little more.
It's that time of year again, when I learn a snippet more.
It's that time of year again, when I mature a tad more.
It's that time of year again, when I appreciate a touch more.
It's that time of year again.

My birthday.

When I was younger, like any other child, I regarded birthdays as “the festival of the year”. I loved birthdays. It meant I could demand for presents from my parents. It meant cake and ice cream. It meant special treatment and my favourite food served for meals. I was a child and I was blissful.

Then I grew up.

Over the years, it seemed as though the value of my birthday, and birthdays in general, had diminished somewhat. I rarely received birthday presents from my friends as I progressed in high school, except for some gifts from a few best friends.

But on a lighter note ---- I guess to be fair --- God made my college days different as I received more gifts than I could ever wish for. I think I have developed some of the best friendships during that phase of my life. After I graduated from college and started working at People Support, I was fortunate enough to have been blessed with the opportunity to meet some wonderful souls --- people who made me feel special each year. My birthdays in People Support were awesome. My friends never fail to surprise me year after year after year.

But I’m not in People Support anymore. I am not in La Salle anymore. I don’t really expect much this year. I have prepared myself for the worst birthday ever. No presents, no cakes, no ice cream, no celebration. Don’t get me wrong though. I still expect to receive presents from my parents and brothers but only because they never missed to give me one every single year. I also have a handful of friends from outside the company whom I know will still surprise me with something unusual... those I look forward to. But other than that, I expected nothing else this year... not from the company I work for... not from my officemates.

If I was still the child I had been 15 years ago, I’d have thrown an emotional tantrum involving generous episodes of dramatic kicking and screaming and threats to jump out of the window. No birthday cake on such a glorious day? Blasphemy!

But I didn’t.

I realized it was because I simply stopped caring. There were a few consecutive years in the past, in which really horrible things happened on my birthday, or a few days before it. I spent my birthdays feeling miserable, wishing fervently that I had been blessed with a boring, ordinary day for my birthday instead. When you are put into situations which make you cry really badly all day, you actually don’t think about presents and celebrations. You’d give anything to be able to live a normal, routine day.

Which was exactly how I felt. It no longer mattered to me if nobody cared, if nobody remembered except my family and close friends. All I wanted was a normal, peaceful day and I’d be happy for another year.

No birthday cake? Not a problem, I’d just buy myself a slice of cake and eat it. No greetings? Well, who cares, they’re all busy people anyway, and it’s no different than wishing someone “good morning” every morning, except people only wish you “happy birthday” once a year.

My birthday was just a date to me, nothing more than a mechanical reminder that I had passed another milestone in life.

I was fine, and I was genuinely happy. I didn’t need anyone to remember, which was why I always tried to conceal my date of birth whenever anyone asked. I didn’t want people to make a fuss; I didn’t want them to go through any trouble just for me.

Today, Reich, Royce, Chester, Kei, Harlie, Reg, Tatty, LJ, Mac, AC, Pedz, Stlz, Bash, Wendell, Tyrone, Rowell, Mae, Pao, Russell, Vok, my whole Care Family, the entire Care FSS and the rest of my friends in management and support staff surprised me with a birthday cake when we were having dinner at the 31st floor pantry of PBCOM. Chester and I were singing “Just Once” --- part of the Customer Service week celebration --- when all of them showed up with a cake.

I stared at it for a while and the first thing I said was “Chester’s birthday?”

It was obviously not one of my more brilliant moments.

For the strangest reason I thought the cake was for my friend Chester who celebrated his birthday 6 days ago.

They all looked as though I had snorted green tea out of my nose.

“YOUR CAKE!”

Oh my. I honestly did not expect that. At that very moment I was looking at the most beautiful cake in the world, because it was a thoughtful gesture of sincerity and kindness in the spirit of friendship.

I have always suspected that I’ve grown up too quickly for my age, but today, when you guys went out of your way to get me a cake, when you had to relight the candle 10 thousand times because the air-conditioning kept on putting the flame out, when you guys took one million photos of me looking absolutely retarded, when you guys dictated how I should make my wish, when you made me remove the candle from the cake using my mouth, when we camwhored, when Chester had to slice the cake for me because I was such a noob at cutting cakes, when we shared the cake and laughed, when we had fun, I became a child again.

I was once again the child who loved and glorified birthdays. I was once again the little boy who squealed at the sight of cake. I was once again the kid who enjoyed birthdays.

Thank you for making my birthday meaningful again.

I love you guys.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

2008-09-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

Dreams.

Dreams are what people live for. Dreams are what people die for. Without dreams our existence would be but a meaningless joke played on us by indifferent powers.

Each day we conceive a multitude of dreams. Most of them we forget shortly after, others we discard as not possible on this world, but there are those precious few that we keep in our mind and mull over in hope of fulfilling them one day.

These dreams we bottle up and store away for the time being when their fulfilling will be possible. Much like wine, we put them with great care in the darkest corners of our souls, so that they won't disturb our every-day life, and sometimes forget about them --- to find them again at unexpected moments of life.

Why do we do that --- why not fulfilling them right away?

Who knows --- human beings are peculiar creatures. Maybe we are afraid to fail and get hurt. Maybe we are afraid that the fragile fabric of the dream will shatter on the cold face of reality. Or perhaps we believe that now is not the right moment and decide to wait for a more favorable time.

But storing dreams is a risky practice. Many times when we deem the moment appropriate, we dig the dream-bottle up, open it --- sometimes to share with others, sometimes to enjoy on our own --– and wait for a genie to come out and make the dream real, only to find out that the dream-wine has turned sour and is no longer fit for use, or that the bottle has been cracked and the dream has faded. At other times we shatter the bottle in our hurry, eagerness and inexperience and watch the precious substance spill and vaporize through our fingers, while we desperately try to cling to some of it.

And yet there are times when we manage to open the bottle and we offer to share the contents with another but find that this person prefers not to drink, or we find out that the dream has lost its appeal and is not what we thought of it at all --- after all, it has been a long while since we have seen the insides of that bottle.

At time like these, all you left to do is to realize that this dream is gone and a chapter of your life symbolized by that dream is closed. Life is constantly changing, eternally fluid and never stops in its tracks – and you have to adapt to its currents or be dragged underwater and fade away like smoke in strong wind. Find another dream, any dream, pursue it with fervor and do not let the momentary downfall put you on hold.

Dear friends of mine, I wish you to have no such moments of bitter realization –-- and if you cannot avoid it, may they be as few as possible and fleeting as such. Even in the darkest hour, remember that there are always those who are ready to aid you, if only you were to ask for their help.

Know that everything is for the best, after all, and shattered dreams may transform from mere illusions into something stronger and beneficial --- or give birth to altogether new things.

May each change prove easy on you.

A Love Letter to my Friends

2008-09-10T16:53:00.000-07:00

I am your friend and my love for you goes deep. There is nothing I can give you which you have not got, but there is much, very much, that, while I cannot give it, you can take.

No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in today. Take heaven!

No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present little instant. Take peace!

The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within our reach is joy. There is radiance and glory in the darkness could we but see - and to see we have only to look. I beseech you to look!

Life is so generous a giver, but we, judging its gifts by the covering, cast them away as ugly, or heavy or hard. Remove the covering and you will find beneath it a living splendor, woven of love, by wisdom, with power.

Welcome it, grasp it, touch the angel's hand that brings it to you. Everything we call a trial, a sorrow, or a duty, believe me, that angel's hand is there, the gift is there, and the wonder of an overshadowing presence. Our joys, too, be not content with them as joys. They, too, conceal diviner gifts.

Life is so full of meaning and purpose, so full of beauty --- beneath its covering --- that you will find earth but cloaks your heaven.

Courage, then, to claim it, that is all. But courage you have, and the knowledge that we are all pilgrims together, wending through unknown country, home.

And so, at this time, I greet you. Not quite as the world sends greetings, but with profound esteem and with the prayer that for you now and forever, the day breaks, and the shadows flee away.

One day at a time

2008-09-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday with all its mistakes and cares,its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday.

We cannot undo a single act we performed;we cannot erase a single word we said.

Yesterday is gone forever.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with all its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and its poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet to be born.

This leaves only one day, Today.

Any person can fight the battle of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.

It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad, it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore, Live but one day at a time.

Set Yourself Free

2008-08-30T16:34:00.000-07:00

Like a confused lost seagull out at sea
I wander through the streets
Like huge mazes of what makes up my life

Just as I think I have found my way
I am faced with yet another turn
Sometimes a dead end and I have to retrace my steps

It is the time to clean my thoughts of what I think is real
Look at life from a high and carried by the wind
Allowing me the freedom to fly

Set yourself free from anything that might hinder you in becoming the person you want to be. Free yourself from the uncertainties about your abilities or the worth of your dreams, from the fears that you may not be able to achieve them or that they won't be what you wanted.

Set yourself free from the past. The good things from yesterday are still yours in memory; the things you want to forget you will, for tomorrow is only a sunrise away. Free yourself from regret or guilt, and promise to live this day as fully as you can.

Set yourself free from the expectations of others, and never feel guilty or embarrassed if you do not live up to their standards. You are most important to yourself; live by what you feel is best and right for you. Others will come to respect your integrity and honesty.

Set yourself free to simply be yourself, and you will soar higher than you've ever dreamed.

Living with a Phantom Limb

2008-08-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

They say that when people first lose a limb, they can still feel it. It still hurts, they still try to use it. They call it having a "Phantom Limb”.

I think that this is what losing a person is like. It’s like having a phantom limb.

You beckon them over to "come see this!", you come home at the end of the day to tell them about how much you hate going to work, you pick up the phone to call them when you're happy, sad, mad, or somewhere in between. Until you realize that they're not there.

And each time you realize it, it hurts just as bad as it did the first time, all over again.

Only an arm, I could lose. It's the people I care about the most that I can't live without.

When someone you love disappears, it's like the light goes dim, and you're in the shadows. You try to do what people tell you: put one foot in front of the other; keep looking up; give yourself over to the seconds and minutes and hours...

But always there's that glimmer of light --- that way of living you once knew --- sort of faded and smoky like the crescent moon on a winter's night when the air is full of ice and clouds, but still there, hanging just over your head.

Leaving? Well, that was easy.

It was everything else that was so damn hard.

Stumbling a little on my way out

2008-08-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

You don't let people in. It's hard for you, and once you do, you don't want to let them go, and when they screw up, you're like, “Why did you do that to me? I gave you my feelings. I did everything for you; and you screwed me over.”

It felt complicated in the way that all breakups feel complicated when you're embroiled in them. While in cruel actuality, most are really quite simple. And it goes something like this: one person falls out of love --- or simply realizes that he was never really in love in the first place, wishing he could take back those words, that promise from the heart.

And then there’s pain.

But you gradually get over the pain. Well, it doesn't go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he's not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the line you realize you've made it through half the day without thinking of him.

Sometimes it takes months, sometimes, years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally. You manage to do this because you don't see them, you don't hear about them, you try not to think about them. And then you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name... and the memories come flooding back.

But even memories also become less painful in time. I can talk about my previous relationships now without really feeling anything.

But I'd rather now.

If you know what I mean.

Conversations with God

2008-08-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from the book:

Right and Wrong are Relative Terms

There’s nothing “wrong” with anything. “Wrong” is a relative term, indicating the opposite of that which you call “right.”

Yet, what is “right”? Can you be truly objective in these matters? Or are “right” and “wrong” simply descriptions overlaid on events and circumstances by you, out of your decision about them?

And what, pray tell, forms the basis of your decision? Your own experience? No. In most cases, you’ve chosen to accept someone else’s decision. Someone who came before you and, presumably, knows better. Very few of your daily decisions about what is “right” and “wrong” are being made by you, based on your understanding.

This is especially true on important matters. In fact, the more important the matter, the less you are likely to listen to your own experience, and the more ready you seem to be to make someone else’s ideas your own.

This explains why you've given up virtually total control over certain areas of your life, and certain questions that arise within the human experience.

These areas and questions very often include the subjects most vital for your soul: the nature of God; the nature of true morality; the question of ultimate reality; the issues of life and death surrounding war, medicine, abortion euthanasia, the whole sum and substance of personal values, structures, judgments. These most of you have abrogated, assigned to others. You don't want to make your own decisions about them.

“Someone else decide! I’ll go along, I’ll go along!” you shout. “Someone else just tell me what’s right and wrong!”

This is why, by the way, human religions are so popular. It almost doesn’t matter what the belief system is, as long as it’s firm, consistent, clear in its expectation of the follower, and rigid. Given those characteristics, you can find people who will believe in almost anything. The strangest behavior and belief can be—has been—attributed to God. It’s God’s way, they say. God’s word.

And there are those who will accept that. Gladly. Because, you see, it eliminates the need to think.

Thinking is hard. Making value judgments is difficult. It places you at pure creation, because there are so many times you’ll have to say, “I don’t know. I just don’t know.” Yet still you have to decide. And so you’ll have to choose. You’ll have to make an arbitrary choice.

Such a choice—a decision coming from no previous personal knowledge—is called pure creation. And the individual is aware, deeply aware, that in the making of such decisions is the Self created.

Most of you are not interested in such important work. Most of you would rather leave that to others. And so most of you are not self-created, but creatures of habit—other-created creatures.

Then when others have told you how you should feel, and it runs directly counter to how you do feel—you experience a deep inner conflict. Something deep inside you tells you that what others have told you is not Who You Are. Now where to go with that? What to do?

The first place you go to is your religionists—the people who put you there in the first place. You go to your priests and your rabbis and your ministers and your teachers, and they tell you to stop listening to your Self. The worst of them will try to scare you away from it; scare you away from what you intuitively know.

They’ll tell you about the devil, about Satan, about demons and evils spirits and hell and damnation and every frightening thing they can think of to get you to see how what you were intuitively knowing and feeling was wrong, and how they only place you’ll find any comfort is in their thought, their idea, their theology, their definitions of right and wrong, and their concept of Who You Are.

The seduction here is that all you have to do to get instant approval is to agree. Agree and you have instant approval. Some will even sing and shout and dance and wave their arms in hallelujah! That’s hard to resist. Such approval, such rejoicing that you have seen the light; that you’ve been saved!

Approvals and demonstrations seldom accompany inner decisions. Celebrations rarely surround choices to follow personal truth. In fact, quite the contrary. Not only may others fail to celebrate, they may actually subject you to ridicule. What? You’re thinking for yourself? You’re deciding on your own? You’re applying your own yardsticks, your own judgments, your own values? Who do you think you are, anyway? And indeed, that is precisely the question you are answering.

My take on it:

This book is perfect for those who are open minded and don't come to books (and life in general) with the attitude that you already have all the answers. Most people who swear by the bible haven't even read that much of it. Why? because society has ingrained and brainwashed and created their belief systems and then anything that contradicts their paradigm of the way the world is must be wrong and blasphemy.

This book is highly logical, very fair, many of the ideas are sound, interesting and make sense if thought about carefully. Many of the words don't just resonate as being true in the logical mind but in my soul. It covers deep topics with simple words that explain quite effectively the concepts. A combination most readers want. It emphasizes love over judgment and punishment which I believe God should be about.

If I were God would I set up a system by which it would be possible for my beloved children and created beings to suffer eternally? Would I not give them free will and in addition when they make mistakes always be forgiving and loving? Would I not make all my creations perfect? A perfect being cannot do imperfect things otherwise it would not be perfect. These concepts are covered in this book. I am not saying to accept everything Neale says as literal truth (nor does Neale actually), all I am saying is to think about the teachings and concepts in the book and even put them in to practice to see whether they work or not. Whether this book comes from God or not it is profound and interesting if you are a deep thinker and open-minded.

In the spiritual realm, according to this book and many other teachings, time does not exist. Everything is literally happening at once. Life, such as this one wherein we experience the passage of time, is simply the way we experience eternity in little bite sized chunks to examine and experience in minute detail. When we die, we simply return to the realm where time does not exist, and we can start over again if we choose. Upon reading this explanation I seem to have lost my fear of death, for it was so completely convincing when added to my current level of spiritual knowledge.

This book is a MUST read. It is literally the experience of a lifetime. I can't even put into words how much this book changed my life. It will answer any questions you've ever had regarding, God, love, life, death, afterlife, work, money, politics, etc. I have bought several copies and given them out to everyone I know. I guarantee that anyone who reads this will be touched.

In this book, I have found the answers that my soul longed for, leading to a complete and absolute epiphany. Walsch wrote the words I have always thought, but never dared to mutter, not even to my most trusted friends.

At first I found his context, an actual conversation with God, to be unsettling. After recovering from this shock, I found this work to be the best book I have ever read, and re-read.

Excess:

I warn you, unless you are genuinely looking for answers, unless you are prepared to view your existence in an unfamiliar manner and unless you want to be liberated from the plague of this planet disguised as the dogma of organized religion, don't buy this book!

Unnecessary knowledge you don’t really need to know

2008-07-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

1. the average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

2. It would take 1.2 million mosquitoes biting you simultaneously to drain all your blood.

3. There is One AK-47 for every Nine people on Earth.

4. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.

5. Americans, on average, spend 18% of his or her income on transportation as compared to only 13% spent on food.

6. There is 293 different ways to give back change on a dollar.

7. Squirrels cannot contract rabies.

8. 1 out of 350,000 Americans get electrocuted in their life.

9. Close to 73% of girls in Bangladesh are married by age 18.

10. 50% of female polar bears also have a penis.

11. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

12. There are more pigs than humans in Denmark.

13. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

14. The brain continues sending electrical wave signals for 37 hours after death.

15. The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

Miss Universe Winners from 1952 to 2007

2008-07-07T00:37:00.000-07:00

MISS UNIVERSE TITLE HOLDERS:

1952 Armi Kuusela (Finland)

1953 Christiane Martel (France)

1954 Miriam Stevenson (USA)

1955 Hellevi Rombin (Sweden)

1956 Carol Morris (USA)

1957 Gladys Zender (Peru)

1958 Luz Marina Zuluaga (Colombia)

1959 Akiko Kojima (Japan)

1960 Linda Bement (USA)

1961 Marlene Schmidt (Germany)

1962 Norma Nolan (Argentina)

1963 Idea Maria Vargas (Brazil)

1964 Corinna Tsopei (Greece)

1965 Apasra Hongsakula (Thailand)

1966 Margareta Arvidsson (Sweden)

1967 Sylvia Hitchcock (USA)

1968 Martha Vasconcellos (Brazil)

1969 Gloria Diaz (Philippines)

1970 Marisol Malaret (Puerto Rico)

1971 Georgia Risk (Lebanon)

1972 Kerry Anne Wells (Australia)

1973 Margarita Moran (Philippines)

1974 Amparo Munoz (Spain)

1975 Anne Marie Puhtamo (Finland)

1976 Rina Messinger (Israel)

1977 Janelle Commissiong (Trinidad/Tobago)

1978 Margaret Gardiner (South Africa)

1979 Maritza Sayalero (Venezuela)

1980 Shawn Weatherly (USA)

1981 Irene Saez (Venezuela)

1982 Karen Baldwin (Canada)

1983 Lorraine Downes (New Zealand)

1984 Yvonne Ryding (Sweden)

1985 Deborah Carthy-Deu (Puerto Rico)

1986 Barbara Palacios Teyde (Venezuela)

1987 Cecilia Bolocco (Chile)

1988 Porntip Nakhirunkanok (Thailand)

1989 Angela Visser (Holland)

1990 Mona Grudt (Norway)

1991 Lupita Jones (Mexico)

1992 Michelle McLean (Namibia)

1993 Dayanara Torres (Puerto Rico)

1994 Sushmita Sen (India)

1995 Chelsi Smith (USA)

1996 Alicia Machado (Venezuela)

1997 Brook Lee (USA)

1998 Wendy Fitzwilliam (Trinidad-Tobago)

1999 Mbule Kwelagobe (Botswana)

2000 Lara Dutta (India)

2001 Denise Quinones (Puerto Rico)

2002 Oksana Fyodorova (Russia)

*2002 Justine Pasek (Panama)

2003 Amelia Vega Polanco (Dominican Republic)

2004 Jennifer Hawkins (Australia)

2005 Natalie Glebova (Canada)

2006 Zuleyka Rivera (Puerto Rico)

2007 Riyo Mori (Japan)

*dethroned

Top 10 Countries with most number of wins and runner-ups

1. USA - Wins: 7; 1stRU: 8; 2ndRU: 6

2. Puerto Rico - Wins: 5; 1stRU: 1; 2ndRU: 2

3. Venezuela - Wins: 4; 1stRU: 6; 2ndRU: 5

4. Sweden - Wins: 3; 1stRU: 1; 2ndRU: 2

5. Brazil - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 5; 2ndRU: 0

6. Finland - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 3; 2ndRU: 5

7. Australia - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 2; 2ndRU: 1

8. Japan - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 1; 2ndRU: 1

9. India - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 1; 2ndRU: 1

10. Canada - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 1; 2ndRU: 1

Philippines

The Philippines won the title twice. The first time was in 1969 courtesy of Gloria Diaz and the second time was in 1973 courtesy of Margarita Moran. Mirriam Quiambao almost won the title in 1999 where she ended up 1st runner-up. The late Chat Silayan won 3rd runner-up in 1980. Desiree Verdadero won 3rd runner-up in 1984. Chiqui Brosas won 4th runner-up in 1975.

Special Awards

The Philippines has won the Miss Photogenic award seven times (including a back-to-back and a three-peat), followed by the UK and Puerto Rico, both with five. Puerto Rico won its five awards during a six-year period (1999-2004, did not win in 2000).

Colombia has won the Best National Costume Award six times.

Guam has won the Miss Congeniality award four times.

No Miss Congeniality has ever gone on to win Miss Universe. The closest was Miss El Salvador 1955, who was 1st runner-up.

The only Miss Universe to win 3 other awards on pageant night was Denise Quiñones (Miss Puerto Rico), who in 2001 also won Miss Photogenic, Bluepoint Swimsuit Award, and Clairol Best Style Award.

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Four Miss Universe winners were awarded Miss Photogenic: Margareta Arvidsson (Sweden, 1966), Margarita Moran (Philippines, 1973), Janelle Commissiong (Trinidad/Tobago, 1977) and Denise Quiñones (Puerto Rico, 2001)
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Three titleholders have also won Best National Costume: Porntip Nakhirunkanok (Thailand, 1988), Wendy Fitzwilliams (Trinidad/Tobago, 1998) and Amelia Vega (Dominican Republic, 2003)

3 Filipinos Make it on Forbes Lists of World’s Billionaires

2008-07-06T06:03:00.000-07:00

Among the world’s 946 billionaires according to Forbes magazine, 3 Filipinos made it to the list. Jaime Zobel de Ayala and Family (Ayala Malls, Ayala Land) are tied with Henry Sy (SM Supermalls, SM Synergy) at no. 349 with a net worth of $2.6 billion. Lucio Tan (PAL) is at no. 407 with $2.3 billion.

And because of the Philippines’ growing economy, Forbes also listed 37 other Filipinos who make the list of 40 richest in the country.

The complete list of the Philippines’ 40 richest:

1. Jaime Zobel de Ayala and family

2. Henry Sy and family

3. Lucio Tan and family

4. Andrew Tan ($1.1 billion)

5. Manuel Villar ($940 million)

6. George Ty ($870 million)

7. Andrew Gotianun ($860 million)

8. Enrique Razon Jr. ($820 million)

9. Tony Tan Caktiong and family ($790 million)

10. Oscar Lopez and family ($775 million)

11. Vivian Que Azcona and family ($670 million)

12. Inigo and Mercedes Zobel ($660 million)

13. Eduardo Cojuangco Jr. ($540 million)

14. Emilio Yap and family ($445 million)

15. John Gokongwei Jr. and family ($430 million)

16. Enrique Aboitiz and family ($375 million)

17. Alfonso Yuchengco and family ($365 million)

18. Beatrice Campos ($220 million)

19. David Consunji and family ($210 million)

20. Luis Virata ($200 million)

21. Gilberto Duavit Jr. and family ($191 million)

22. Menardo Jimenez and family ($190 million)

23. Felipe Gozon and family ($165 million)

24. Mariano Tan and family ($140 million)

25. Ramon del Rosario Jr. ($137 million)

26. Ronaldo and Rosalinda Hortaleza ($110 million)

27. Manuel Zamora ($105 million)

28. Betty Ang ($100 million)

29. Tomas Alcantara and family ($90 million)

30. Frederick Dy ($70 million)

31. Wilfred Steven Uytengsu Sr. ($60 million)

32. Salvador Zamora ($55 million)

33. Oscar Hilado and family ($51 million)

34. Philip T. Ang ($50 million)

35. Magdaleno Albarracin Jr. ($49 million)

36. Jesus Tambunting ($47 million)

37. Antonio Roxas ($36 million)

38. Manuel Pangilinan ($35 million)

39. Marixi Rufino-Prieto and family ($33 million)

40. Lourdes Montinola ($30 million)

10 Most Admired Company in RP for 2008 - Wall Street Journal

2008-07-05T05:37:00.000-07:00

The Wall Street Journal Asia has released the result of their 2008 survey “Asia’s 200 Most Admired Companies” from 2,477 executives and professionals as respondents.

Here is the list of Top 10 Most Admired Companies in the Philippines this year:

1. Ayala Land Inc.

2. Jollibee Foods Corp.

3. Ayala Corp.

4. Globe Telecom

5. San Miguel Corp.

6. Bank of the Philippine Islands

7. ABS-CBN Broadcasting Corp.

8. Philippine Long Distance Telephone Co.

9. SM Prime Holdings

10. Banco de Oro Unibank

In the Innovation Award Category, recipients are as follows:

1. Jollibee Foods

2. Globe Telecom

3. ABS-CBN Broadcasting Corp. (Internet TV services on TFC Now)

4. Banco De Oro Universal

5. Ayala Land

6. Ayala Corporation

7. PLDT

8. Universal Robina

9. Bank of the Phil. Island

10. SM Prime Holdings

ABS-CBN was the only media company that made it to the list.

Top 10 Highest Grossing Pinoy Movies of All Time

2008-07-04T05:22:00.000-07:00

As of July 3, 2008, Star Cinema’s Sukob (2006) starring Kris Aquino and Claudine Barretto is still undisputed as the Top Grossing Filipino movie in history! Check out the exclusive Top 10 list of the highest grossing pinoy films of all time.

Top 10 Highest Grossing Pinoy Movies of All Time

1. Sukob (Star Cinema, 2006) - P186.41 Million

2. Ang Tanging Ina (Star Cinema, 2003) - P177.82 Million

3. Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo (Star Cinema, 2006) - P162.37 Million

4. One More Chance (Star Cinema, 2007) - P152.79 Million

5. Caregiver (Star Cinema, 2008) - P139.++ Million

6. A Love Story (Star Cinema, 2007) - P139.61 Million

7. Enteng Kabisote 3 (Octo Arts, 2006) - P128 Million

8. Sakal, Sakali, Saklolo (Star Cinema, 2007) - P122.90 Million

9. Isusumbong Kita Sa Tatay Ko (Star Cinema, 1997) - P104.00 Million

10. My Bestfriend’s Girlfriend (GMA/Regal, 2008) - P101.24 Million

Movies that almost made it:

Ouija (GMA/Viva, 2007) - P97.67 Million

Ang Cute ng Ina Mo (ABS-CBN/Viva, 2007) - P92.23 Million

Enteng Kabisote 4 (Octo Arts, 2007) - P91 Million

Note: Dubai, Feng Shui and Wag Kang Lilingon have no reported box office gross. This list will be updated once the figures of the said films are reported.

Ang buhay ay isang papel.

2008-07-03T00:23:00.000-07:00

Life begins as a blank piece of paper.

You write on, draw on, tear, erase, and otherwise alter the paper as your life goes on, but its still the same piece. It has the same potential as anyone else's, the same size. But you make it your own, you host your life, in all its shame and glory, upon that page.

And most people, they don't give a damn.

They're too busy getting pens and ink to look at your piece, let alone to colour their own. And there are those who seek to destroy their paper, or keep it blank and free from danger, but also the charm of a wide life.

But those souls you must look out for are the ones who seek to colour the paper of others, to tinge their lives with rainbow hues, to create a tapestry which spans over so much paper that God himself would have to step back and take a look.

For these are the true artists, who seek to express emotion through action, not word. Through deed, not drawing. Rather than place their expression on a canvas, they take it to the world, and spread it over everyone and everything they see.

This is the mark of the truly creative; he who can create hope where there was only dispair, she who can push those around her to new levels of greatness, and they who can do this for its own sake.

If you ever meet one of these people, do your best to return the favour.

Love no longer simply is

2008-07-02T23:47:00.000-07:00

Why is everyone nowadays so mechanical?

After a string of dates and reasonably good conversation, it’s a relationship. After some sex and arguments, it’s over.

No one is in love anymore.

No one can stay up all night thinking of 1,000,000 reasons why they love their partner... Stare at them while they sleep, counting their hairs, their pores scattered all over their skin. Smelling the scent their being exudes.

Everyone is cautious, keeping a bit of themselves in a vault for safekeeping. Don’t give it all or you’ll lose it far too soon, they think.

Truly in love, just the thought can bring you to tears and distort the world around you. Until you’re blind and lead by your heart. You want to melt into him and never be separated. To trace with your lips every inch of his stature. Stare into the abyss of his ears, breathing unheard truths and pleadings. To prod his finger tips with yours in stark polarity yet perfectly in twine. To drink of his wine in never a hefty portion, yet drunk in intoxicated bliss.

But love is never that way anymore.

Love is diamond-studded and financially impressive. Love follows an itinerary and frowns when unscheduled. Love laughs at his old self who was content with just the way he was. Now love needs reason, justification, innovation.

Love no longer simply is.

30 Upcoming Movie Sequels You Didn't Know About

2008-07-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

Here are 30 films in various states of production.

The domination of sequels in the big summer and winter schedules continues, and if the following - in particular order - is anything to go by, it's going to carry on for many years to come...

The Brazilian Job:

the follow up to Paramount’s US remake of The Italian Job is still on the cards, and it’s got a 2009 release date marked. Jason Statham, Mos Def, Mark Wahlberg and Charlize Theron are attached, as is director F Gary Gray.

I, Robot 2:

All we know on this one is that it’s in the scripting stages still, with a potential 2010 release date planned in. No news on Mr Smith's involvement.

I Am Legend 2:

Warner’s huge Christmas 2007 hit could also have a follow up, although it’d be interesting to see if Will Smith returned to it. A 2010 release date is also being mooted for this one.

Beverly Hills Cop 4:

If Die Hard can still do it at the box office, why can’t Axel Foley? Er, because the third BHC movie was crap, and a flop. Still, it’s not stopped development work going ahead on number four. No further news than that, though.

National Treasure 3:

Not a huge surprise, but as the Nic Cage Indiana Jones knock off franchise has proved to be quite a juggernaut, you’ll only have to wait until 2011 for the third film in the series.

Cars 2:
We spotted this on AintItCool – is Pixar really looking to make a sequel to its weakest film? Apparently so…

Toy Story 3:

This one, after lots of umming and ahhing, appears to be a goer. It won’t, as was speculated, be a straight-to-DVD affair, and Tom Hanks and Tim Allen are both expected back on voicing duties. It’ll be out in 2010.

Jeepers Creepers 3:

MGM is running the rule over a potential third instalment in the horror franchise, with director Victor Salva still attached. Hmmm.

Shrek 5:

The fourth film was a no-brainer after the tepid third outing made so much cash. But a fifth instalment has also been confirmed. No wonder Shrek is the same colour as an American dollar…

Night at the Museum 2:

Ben Stiller is returning for his most commercially successful role outside of the Meet the Parents franchise. We can wait. No news on the proposed Meet The Little Focker, though.

Crank 2: High Voltage:

This is more like it. Crank is a guilty pleasure right up there with Snakes on a Plane, and it’s coming back for more. Shooting starts next month, for a 2009 release, and Jason Statham returns as Chev Chelios. As he should.

Transporter 3:

Statham again. He’s making this too, and it’s in pre-production. Presumably, he’ll go from Crank 2 straight onto this.

Super Troopers 2:

A sequel nobody asked for! Hurray! Expect it in 2010, as it’s in the early writing stages still, we believe.

Silent Hill 2:

Sony is looking at a follow up to the crap-but-popular video game adaptation. 2010 is the current slated release date.

The Descent 2:

We understand that Neil Marshall won’t be directed this one, which has the, er, working title of The De2cent. He’s attached as Executive Producer, with Jon Harris stepping behind the camera (he edited the first film, as well as the more recent Stardust).

The Grudge 3:

Yup, it’s in pre-production now, for release next year. That’ll likely be the scariest thing about it..

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Ice Age 3:

1st July 2009. That’s the date you’ll need to avoid if you want to miss the next Ice Age movie. Hopefully it’ll be better than the second one…

Ghost Rider 2:

A surprise hit last year, Marvel is developing a follow-up to the Nic Cage comic book flick, and tentatively has 2009 marked for release. No director is thus far attached.

The Untouchables: Capone Rising:

A prequel to Brian De Palma’s cracking prohibition thriller of, er, twenty years ago. De Palma is back behind the camera, and the project is in the pre-production stages now.

The Thomas Crown Affair 2:

Weird, this. It’s taken them ages to do a sequel, and then they draft in Paul Verhoeven to direct

a follow-up to someone else’s film. Pierce Brosnan returns, and filming starts shortly.

The People Under The Stairs 2:

No sign of any Wes Craven involvement, though, and release may even be this year. Hmmm. We'd wager DVD will be its home.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor:

Er, that’s what they’ve called The Mummy 3, which is out on 1st August. Brendan Fraser and Jet Li star.

Punisher: War Zone:

Ray Stevenson becomes the third person to play The Punisher on screen. You’ll be able to find out how he did on 12th September this year.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder:

Casper Van Diem is back, but it’s still going straight to DVD, as the piss-awful second film did. It’s due out later this year.

Pink Panther 2:

Oh dear. And I’m a Steve Martin fan. It’s out on 13th February 2009.

Ace Ventura 3:
No Jim Carrey though, and no chance of it seeing the inside of a cinema. Head to Blockbuster later in the year if you want to catch it.

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave:

Another straight to DVD sequel, but this one’s of note because it’s directed by Soul Man/Hitcher star C Thomas Howell. Blimey.

Jurassic Park 4:

It’s taken them ages to sort this out, but the latest is that Laura Dern is still attached, and that it’ll be released in 2009. Don’t hold your breath though, as shooting would need to start really very soon...

Scary Movie 5/Saw 5:

You could have guessed at these if you didn’t know about them already. Both should see the light before the end of the year. Sadly.

TIME Magazine's 100 Best TV Shows of All Time

2008-06-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

TIME Magazine’s TV critic James Poniewozik has compiled a list of 100 Best TV Shows of All Time. See if your favorite show is on the list.

A - F
* The Abbott and Costello Show

* ABC’s Wide World of Sports

* Alfred Hitchcock Presents

* All in the Family

* An American Family

* American Idol

* Arrested Development

* Battlestar Galactica

* The Beavis and Butt-Head Show

* The Bob Newhart Show

* Brideshead Revisited
* Buffalo Bill

* Buffy the Vampire Slayer

* The Carol Burnett Show

* The CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite

* A Charlie Brown Christmas

* Cheers

* The Cosby Show

* The Daily Show

* Dallas

* The Day After

* Deadwood

* The Dick Van Dyke Show

* Dragnet

* The Ed Sullivan Show

* The Ernie Kovacs Show

* Felicity

* Freaks and Geeks

* The French Chef

* Friends

G - M
* General Hospital

* The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show

* Gilmore Girls

* Gunsmoke

* Hill Street Blues

* Homicide: Life on the Street

* The Honeymooners

* I, Claudius

* I Love Lucy

* King of the Hill

* The Larry Sanders Show

* Late Night with David Letterman (NBC)

* Leave It to Beaver

* Lost

* Married… With Children

* Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

* The Mary Tyler Moore Show

* M*A*S*H* The Monkees

* Monty Python’s Flying Circus

* Moonlighting

* MTV 1981-1992

* My So-Called Life

* Mystery Science Theater 3000

N - S
* The Odd Couple

* The Office [American]

* The Office [British]

* The Oprah Winfrey Show

* Pee Wee’s Playhouse

* Playhouse 90

* The Price Is Right

* Prime Suspect

* The Prisoner

* The Real World

* Rocky and His Friends

* Roots

* Roseanne

* Sanford and Son

* Saturday Night Live

* Second City Television

* See It Now

* Seinfeld

* Sesame Street

* Sex and the City

* The Shield

* The Simpsons

* The Singing Detective

* Six Feet Under

* 60 Minutes

* Soap

* The Sopranos

* South Park

* SpongeBob SquarePants

* SportsCenter

* Star Trek

* St. Elsewhere

* The Super Bowl (and the Ads)

* Survivor

T - Z
* Taxi

* The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson

* 24

* The Twilight Zone

* Twin Peaks

* The West Wing

* What’s My Line?

* WKRP in Cincinnati

* The Wire

* Wiseguy

* The X-Files

* Your Show of Shows

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

2008-06-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

What is heartache?

That is easy --- that pain in your chest when you love someone so much and you realize that they don't care. When you lie awake at night and think of everything you could have been and know that it's just one-sided, and that nothing you can do or say will ever change that.What is loss?

Another easy one --- it's watching that person choose someone just like you, only not you. Someone better, younger, smarter, and more gorgeous. That's when you also learn what hate is, because only hate born from the same womb of something so precious as tenderness and love can be so utterly devastating. That is when you lose everything you were before, and become bitter and sarcastic. It is a different view one sees when the world isn't black and white, good and evil anymore. This is loss, when you realize that you don't miss it anymore.

In this we also learn what cruelty is. And pain, jealousy, fear, rage. All of that, one can learn in a single afternoon sitting in a room with someone you've known and loved for years; silently watching as this person tears your world apart piece by piece with only one glance and a handful of words.

But alas --- what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, as they say. When I learned what that true pain was, with its depression and angst, I learned also what strength is. When one travels to the dark side of the moon, to Hell and back, you become numb to that fear of the dark, that sense of panic near the fire.

It’s do or die, and I somehow chose to live.

One day, maybe tomorrow, maybe in years, you'll go through the same trials as me and find out the truth. And the truth is this: I can now be me, not the shadow of who I could have been, who we could have been.

Now, I am in love with someone new --- quite on accident I assure you. And when we lie together, holding one another, confessing our dreams and sins --- I don't think of you.

I think of us, this wonderful accident and I, and I'm happy.

Truly, utterly happy.

I just write.

2008-05-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

I just write.

I want my fingers to speak in cipher and symbol, in character and punctuation --- I want them to speed across an empty slate, filling it with idea and passion. I want others to read it, and I want them --- for a brief fleeting moment --- to see what I see. Understand the world through my eyes, and be brightened, saddened, twisted, bent, gyred, spun, and transformed.

It is not ego that drives me so --- there is nothing inside me so great that I must stop at nothing to get it out, no explosion of math and science and passion that threatens to tear me at my seams.

It is not sadness, madness, or gladness that makes me write these things --- it isn’t some overwhelming fire of humanity. My life is not a particularly interesting one, my struggles not particularly unique...

And yet --- there is something here. Something inside me, chewing away at every thought ---fattening like a worm in an apple ---- driving some arcane wheels in my head. Turning some dust-covered gears and animating my fingers to write, write, and write.

It is through this writing that you and I can grasp up to the heavens of our own design, and sit for a while, enjoying the gentle passage of time, like two idle lovers caught up in the healthy currents of life. I can turn to you, and as my fingers speak to you in confidential tones, you can see things.

Simple things sometimes, the gentle swell of sea on a shore, the delicate sway of a single strand of grass caught in the wind, eyes shining with starlight. Complex things too: an ant-hill overflowing with activity, a million times a million engines of desire performing those tasks which define them.

I will say: Can you see this all? Isn’t it beautiful? And then you might understand why I write. Then you might see what it really is that drives me forward, as surely as an electron spins itself into eternity. The ants, the beach, the grass, the people, the laughter, the light, the stars, the everything. Things which are neither bad, nor good --- nor do I wish to ever think in such black and white, love and hate, destroy and create terms. Things, which just are --- which in our tremendous winding up of life, we seem to miss.

We don’t treasure those tiny moments of time where the only thing that should matter is that single blade of grass, or that lovers shy glance, or that wave breaking gently on the shore. Torpid currents of life swirl us into balls of hate and envy, and darkness, and those moments are past. But they give birth to more light and laughter, and we ignore those too --- we Hunger too much, we Pain too much.

And one might think that my avoidance of the truth --- repelling from my words like corresponding magnetic fields --- is because I don’t have the truth. This of course is partially true, just like everything is partially true --- just as this phrase itself is partially true. And even before my words swallow themselves in a twisted-eight swirl of infinity --- I am still here, and my words still flow, and my purpose still exists. I don’t write because I mean anything, I don’t write because you mean anything.

I write because everything is beautiful and nothing is, simultaneously – as if by a magic that everyone practices but no one understands.

I write because when I write, I trap those lost moments of time like insects in amber, and I hold them up to the brightness and I make available that spark of mankind that is so transient in our busy lives.

I write because I am godless and naked and alone, and tired and sad, and frightened and terrible and thirsty.

I write because we are all those things, all of us in our own ways, and because this is one of the few ways in which I may drive it off for a while.

One of the few ways I can say Hello to the specter of death that hangs over every dew-drop that hasn’t yet been born, that wreathes me in a crown of my own thorns, and whispers to the sun in words of violet and orange.

I write because it allows me to cheat death at least for one more day, to proclaim in my own little, tiny, fleeting voice that everyone can be a beacon, can be a light in the planes of the lightless, and can Shepard their brothers through the valley of darkness.

Most of all, I just write.

Life is like a box of crayons.

2008-05-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

Life is like a box of crayons.

At birth, you're given a great big box of them to share and add color to your life. Some colors get used more than others.

Sometimes, a crayon gets broken. A Bright color gets snapped in half and tossed in the garbage can, never to be returned. Sometimes you keep coloring. Sometimes you can't. That color was important.

Sometimes a crayon is gained, shared between two people. That color might be just perfect, and works great! Other times it's a different shade, but it will make do.

But, there is always one color left in the box.

Black.

It's normally unused until death. It's used to frame the picture. To add the final border to the coloring board of life.

Some people use it. They color onto other's pictures with it. Sometimes their own.

They use it to scribble out portions of the picture. Sometimes the portion isn't that important.

Sometimes it is.

Sometimes there are multiple blacks in the box when you open it for the day...

Sometimes there's only one, or it isn't even there.

It all depends, really.

All depends on the crayon box and the one who holds it.

I am EMO

2008-05-19T03:26:00.000-07:00

I am Emo.

But what does that mean?

I was born with a chemical imbalance in my brain which causes me to get severely depressed. Occasionally it also allows me to feel joy, but I fear it only does this because to know the true pain of depression, you must have felt happiness to compare it with.

I have also been given anxiety and confusing thought patterns which other people cannot understand, though they make perfect sense to me.

While I would not wish these things upon anyone else, I do not think they are necessarily bad things. They allow us to see the world for what it is, to see past the sugar coating the governments and media give everything bad. If you are forever happy, you don't see the evil in the world because you do not believe that it is there. But if you already see the badness within yourself, it is easy to realise how brainwashed the rest of the population is with the happy lies of those higher up.

There was not a point in my life which caused me to be the way I am. I was born with a genetic tendency to depressive and addictive behaviours. Though to blame my genes would be a cop out.I am the way I am, because I didn't realise that the way I am was wrong until it was too late.

I am Emo.

Though the meaning of those words has been lost in the multitude of people claiming the title as their own.

I have the slow-fading patterns crisscrossing my arm which are the tell tale sign of an 'Emo'. For me, they are simply remnants of a past I wish I could truthfully deny.

But don't think that I regret it. I don't. Not for a second. Yes I have scarred myself. But it didn't kill me, and so has made me stronger. It has given me the power to be able to help others from making my own mistakes. And, every scar I inflicted upon myself, is a scar I did not inflict upon another.

It was a necessary evil.

I am Emo.

Except that I'm not. I come from a time before Emo was anything but a not yet known music genre, emotive rock. I am from even before Angsty was the teenage diagnosis of choice. My friends knew I wasn't normal, but what is normal anyway. These days you could say that a large proportion of the teenage population is like me, and so I could be called normal. But then, I was different. There weren't others like me.

So I have lived through the plummeting rollercoaster of life, watching as more and more people hopped on the ride. Listening to their screams as they experienced something new.

I was riding no hands by then. Thinking, just maybe, that I might fall out and hit the ground with a splat.

They call me Emo...

Because they have no other explanation for me.

Bago mo maayos ang isang bagay, dapat nasira mo muna ito.

2008-05-16T02:22:00.000-07:00

Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true.

Loneliness hurts.

Rejection hurts.

Losing someone hurts.

Envy hurts.

Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...

The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences.

And that's the key.

It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.

And maybe they're right, you know, maybe I expect too much --- maybe somewhere in the back of my head I want that stupid fairytale that everyone tells me isn't possible...

But I don’t care.

I don't care if I'm "expecting too much" because, I’ve seen glimpses, well --- more than glimpses, in other moments in the past... with other guys...

So I know that what I am looking for is out there somewhere.

The curse of the loved ones

2008-05-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true.

Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert.

Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded.

The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

Love can be strong, yet delicate. It can be broken. To truly love is to understand this. To be in love is to respect this.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass...

That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

Finding GOD

2008-05-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

There are also sorts of experiences in life that we can't really put a name to --- the birth of a child, for one or the death of a parent. Falling in love and falling apart.

Words are like net. We hope they'll cover what we mean, but we know they can't possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or wonder.

Finding God is like that too.

If it's happened to you, you know what it feels like. But try to describe it to someone else - and language only takes you so far.

Bakit ako nagsusulat?

2008-05-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

At a very early age, perhaps the age of five or six, I knew that when I grew up I should be a writer. Between the ages of about seventeen and twenty, I tried to abandon this idea, but I did so with the consciousness that I was outraging my true nature.

You see, I’ve never considered myself much of a writer. I’m not particularly great at it. On my better day, I will be passable. On my best, I don’t have half the talent of many people I’ve been lucky enough to work with. And this is not false humility.

But why do I write you might ask...

I write because I see these images in my head that I don’t want to forget, because I hear words that need to be in ink. I have to get these things down because it’s torture if I don’t, and lost to oblivion if I’m unlucky and without a pen.

I write because nothing satisfies me most than turning my words into ideas and then sharing my complete work to people for their enjoyment and criticism.

I write because I’m not very good at speaking. (Isn’t this the very logic of writing?)

I write because it gets me to avoid things I loathe like cleaning my room or cleaning my room or cleaning my room.

I do it because after a page or two of writing my heart out, I feel like I’ve lost pounds.

I write because I know this is the best gift I have to give.

The reason that no matter what I have done in life, writing has always been a constant is that there is power in words for everyone. Be it making us laugh, reflect, angry or just making us think. And for me there is nothing more exhilarating or rewarding as seeing someone’s eyes light up as they read my words or I imagine them being played out.

I can only imagine what it must be like to write something an entire nation (and beyond) tunes in for each week, to see your written words personified. I will continue to be envious of all of you who are lucky enough to write for a living and I will continue to write myself, even if what I write never leaves the confines of my computer, because it is still so much a part of me.

I watch television and movies because I know a writer has written all that I am watching, and for that, all you writers out there have my utmost respect and full support. Thank you for all that you have written and for all that you have yet to write.

When I think about my life now, I thank the person, who once said,

“What do you do when your life exceeds your dreams?”

“Keep it to yourself.”

I guess that’s the other reason I write. One day, if I’m lucky enough, I hope to write a line half that good.

Thank you for reading this and for giving me a reason to write why I write.

For everything we have missed, we have gained something else.

2008-05-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

Last week, while having dinner at Recipes Greenbelt with a friend, it occurred to me that it had been months since I last posted something here in multiply. I can’t even remember the last time I posted a blog, or a video... which for me is a big thing considering that in the past, I post several entries in just one day.

On that note, I will not deny the fact that I had been receiving emails and messages from my friends and followers of my blog, asking me to update my site. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t had the time or should I say can’t find the time to accommodate their request. I surely felt that there were “more important” things in life that I had to take care of than post my works online.
And so I thought wrong.

After dinner, while buying coffee at Seattle’s Best, I saw an old friend from PeoleSupport. It was such a relief to see a familiar face. Allan hasn’t changed. He is still the same bubbly, cheerful guy with a big i-am-such-a-positive-person-i-want-to-share-the-positivity-with-you sign posted on his forehead. During our conversation, he asked me, “Why are you not posting anymore? Your audience misses you. Don’t you miss writing?"

I was caught off-guard. I had been asking myself the same thing for the past several months but I never expected someone to ask me the same question. That’s the beauty of just realizing things on your own; you don’t really have to answer it right away. You can just hold on to the thought and pray that someday, you will have the answer. But being asked by someone is different. You have to give a response weather that’s the truth or not as quickly as you can.

I went back to him and say, “I will next week. I just don’t have the time.”

The truth is I always had the time. I guess I just didn’t realize that there were actually people, real people at that, waiting for my work to be posted online. I forgot that sharing my composition pieces is just as important as making them and storing them in my laptop won’t do any good to humanity.

You see, I never missed writing because I never stopped composing things. If there’s anything in the world that I most passionate about, it will be that I am able to put to words the things inside my head. Writing has saved my life several times before and I owe a lot of what I have become from it. So I can never stop doing the only thing that makes sense to me.

So here I am, posting my first entry... first of the many. =)

Yesterday morning’s cornflakes

2008-02-26T15:07:00.000-08:00

The problem with loneliness is that it makes me smile all the time. You always have to hide behind the proverbial mask, to try and make them all think that everything is peachy.

Is it really them who need convincing? Maybe it’s really push and pull; or was that the law of gravity?

Is it just me or am I like a milk bubble skimming the bowl of reality, dancing on the jagged edges of yesterday morning’s cornflakes? Am I just waiting to pop?

If only I could get out of this place.

Is death a dream? When you reach it, do you wake up happy and clean? It’s too dirty here. Every time I look around, bits of styrofoam snow drift around me and blur my vision. When can I get out of this globe of glass?

I’m always outside, looking in. Or is it the other way around?

All these decisions you have to make: push, pull; it’s all driving me crazy.

Am I? Do you think so?

I keep on saying I’m okay but I don’t even know the veracity of that claim. People keep on asking me if I’m doing great but I don’t even know if I am!

Are they doing great? Are they okay? Maybe they don’t even know as well.

I think I need a cigar.

Hitting rock-bottom

2008-02-20T14:57:00.000-08:00

When you find yourself haunting bookstores and checking out movies alone, then you’d really think you’ve hit rock-bottom. I found myself doing just that this lonely Sunday. I was aimlessly meandering around the mall, pondering the meaning of life, finding myself a slave to my feet.

It just happens, you know.

Life.

It does. It’s what happens when you’re not looking, when you’re not paying that much attention to what’s in front of you.

I don’t want to go into the details anymore. I never thought I’d find myself in the same spot I was in one year ago. In a month’s time I’ll back to my bitter-lonely-why-can't-someone-kill-me self again.

Chalk it up to stupidity. Chalk it up to time. Theirs. Mine. Whatever. Give it to the people who spread the disease of gossip that ended up eating away at my name. It’s over.

I know what I should do. Don’t get me wrong. I need to move on. I need to raise my head up and learn from what happened. I’m doing that.

They say I’m a very self-sufficient guy. I could heal myself. I could push myself to wherever I want to. However, I’m still in what you might call the depression phase.

I just won’t show it.

People say I should wake up. I should let him go. I can’t. I love him. One of my friends asked me why. Everybody’s wondering why I keep holding on. I love him. Didn’t I already say that?

I think it was Blaise Pascal who said “Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait pointe.” The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing. I don’t know why I love him. I just feel it. Isn’t that reason enough? This world has become too logical. We’ve lost ourselves in statistics, in our belief of numbers.

Anyway, I’ll live my life. Right now, I’ll let myself absorb the moment. I’ll revel in the feeling… and I will get stronger. Winners are not winners if they don’t know defeat.

As the cliché goes… when you’re at rock-bottom, there’s nowhere else for you to go…

but up.

Snap shots of a tear-stained face

2008-02-15T14:40:00.000-08:00

In the unchartable depths behind my eyes, wheels of colour dance, blown by some strange wind that would chill you to the marrow to feel it.

Images - snap shots - of things that have been or have yet to be flicker in and out in no discernable order. Strands of music buzz through the air like living rays of light; illuminating everything around them in a multitude of yellows and blues. Beams of the purest colours shine down from above, as if rent asunder by a giant diamond prism.

Some would look at this and see only chaos and madness. I look at this and see beauty that is wild and free, untamed by chisel or lute, paper or canvass. This purity inspires me. It gives me the strength to perservere.

I capture small portions of this to show others what I have seen, but I know not if my efforts are in vain.

Can you hear the mystery calling to you? Can you reach out and touch it, calling it to yourself, letting it envelop you and help you to find your way?

Maybe I'll be stuck like this forever, until my tears wear my body away like the ocean does a mountain. Until the darkness overcomes my heart and snuffs me out like a candle's pale flame, with a single gust of icy wind. Until my loneliness tears me in two and my anger consumes me like burning wood, leaving only ashes of what was before, a scant reminder of a ruined life. I burn even now. I burn with indecision.

Should I give up this fight that will eventually lead me to my downfall, or should I keep up the fight and endure the pain as a consequence?

Maybe some day I will find a way out of my personal darkness, my personal hell, but for now... now I will put on my mask and continue on with my back straight and my head up. I have nothing to fear but fear itself; which I won't let bother me. To be afraid of fear is a pointless waste of time, and I need all that I can find. Fear is just the unknown. Logical thinking dispels the gloom.

Maybe some day I will be able to tell my friends how much I truly need them and how much I rely on them being there for me. Maybe some day I can rejoin my friends in my make-believe world, and this one, to play on the green grass all day long.

Maybe some day I'll find the mysterious antidote that will clear this vicious poison from my senses and I can return home with a light heart and I won't have to hide my tear-stained face from the world any more.

Maybe some day I'll be free at last.

Despite everything, life goes on. Another silver tear rolls down my face in the lengthening silence.

Yes.

Life goes on.

Scared Shitless

2008-02-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

Curled up like a child in a woman’s womb, I stayed in this position. My mind was raging; thoughts intersecting by one another in rapid speed.

I was scared shitless.

I couldn’t tell the difference between possibility and the inevitable. It felt like my brain was turning into a Rubik cube and it was taking forever for me to match all the colors.

Was someone going to break in through the window? Should I lock the door so no one could go in? Were there ghosts hanging from the ceiling, watching me as I try to sleep?

I wanted to ram my head into the wall and just pound it until it bled out all the thoughts in my mind. I was so consumed by negativity, I just wanted to get a gun and blow my brains out.

Sleep, when are you going to take me?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten; I’m counting, desperately trying to put myself in this fairy tale trance.

Everything I need to know I learned from my mom

2008-01-29T20:52:00.000-08:00

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

Right around the corner

2008-01-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

I was so looking forward to it all.

All I could do was think ahead to this day when it would feel right for us to give it another try. For the first time in forever, you and me... it seemed so possible.

It seemed right around the corner.

But he left.

And it all went away...

I was living in this warm and fuzzy world of daydreams, and I got yanked right out of it. I have no idea how to get back there.

And what scares me the most is maybe I never will.

I'm a walking contradiction...

2008-01-25T19:55:00.000-08:00

I don't want to go out and meet new people.

I don't want to. I'm tired of it and I’m scared.

I already got my heart broken one too many times. I'm not ready to hand it out again.

I guess what I’m afraid of is that I’ll find someone new and fall in love with them and then get hurt again. I don't want to go through that. I really don't.

I mean, I do want someone to love and to be by my side, but I’m just afraid of falling in love again.

I'm a walking contradiction...

I want to fall in love, but at the same time, I don't want to experience the hurt and pain that is associated with it.

Ano nga ba kse ang favorite color mo?

2008-01-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

“Anong favorite color ko?”

Natigilan ka sa pagsubo ng cheesecake na gawa ko sa bibig mo.

“Saan naman galing yung tanong mo?”

“Wala lang.”

Ngayon lang sumangga sa utak ko na isang taon na pala. Labingdalawang buwan. Tatlong-daan at animnapu’t-limang beses na umikot ang mundo mula ng magkakilala tayo. Pero ni hindi ko man lamang alam kung ano ang favorite color mo.

Mas mabilis ko pa yatang matatapos ang isang exam na ang mga tanong ay yung tipong: “What is the maximum temperature that can be reached by the combustion of methane with 20% excess air? Both methane and the air enter the burner at 298K.?”

Kaysa sa: “What is his favorite color??”

Kung ganyan ang tanong na nasa exam ko, kahit pa siguro “up-to-sawa”, hindi lalapat ang ballpen sa papel ko. O di kaya naman nagmukha ng coupon bond yung yellow paper sa dami ng correction fluid na magagamit ko. At pihadong ma-si-singko ako.

Bigyan mo ako ng slumbook at yung unang limang linya lang ang masusulatan ko.
Name: Oo naman alam ko yun siyempre pati na rin nickname. Haller?

Birthday: Binati naman kita nung birthday mo. Siyempre hindi ko makakalimutan yung date noh. Saka ka-birthday mo pinsan ko.

Zodiac Sign: Sus. Ang dali lang hulaan nito. Malamang alam ko ‘to kasi alam ko birthday mo. Wala naman sa gitna ng dalawang zodiac signs ang birthday mo. May mga birthday kasi na depende sa dyaryong binabasa mo kung ano ang zodiac sign mo.

Address: Basta ang alam ko taga-Quezon City ka, di ko nga lang talaga sigurado kung saan. Malapit yata sa EDSA.

Telephone Number: Mandaraya pa ako. Naka-store naman landline mo sa cell ko eh.
Pagdating sa “favorites?”

Tenenenen.

Favorite:

Color: Uhmm “blue?” Stereotypical lang. Siguro kasi lalaki ka.

Food: Kinakain mo naman lahat eh, paano ko malalaman? Bottomless pit pa man din yang sikmura mo. Kaya nga ang taba mo ngayon eh. Bola-bola siopao. Saka siyempre cheesecake ko.

Sport: Without a doubt. BASKETBALL.

Song: Half-life by Duncan Shiek? Lagi ko lang kasing naririnig yung statement na half-life galing sa’yo. Saka naalala ko rin na may sinabi kang gusto mo yun.

Singer: Malamang Duncan Shiek.

Movie: Dito medyo sigurado ako. The Matrix. Pati na rin yung Reloaded and Revolution.

Actor: I don?t think just because you like the Matrix you like Keanu Reeves as well.

Actress: Maui Taylor? Aubrey Miles? Lahat ng nag-pose para sa FHM calendar? Based lang lahat ng assumptions ko sa mga naka-dikit sa dingding ng kwarto mo.

Book: The Alchemist? You just seem to quote so much from it.

Author: Paulo Coelho? For obvious reasons.

The list could go on and still manghuhula pa rin ako. I just realized that I hardly know you at all. Ni hindi ko man lang alam kung ano ang mga hilig mo. Pero kahit na ganito ang kaso minahal pa rin kita. Hindi naman kasi kita minahal dahil sa pareho tayong fan ng LA Lakers. At lalong hindi naman mawawala yung pagmamahal ko sa’yo kung nagkataon na si April Boy ang favorite singer mo.

Minahal kita dahil sa kung ano yung ikaw na nakilala ko. Yung pagpunas mo ng luha sa mukha ko sa tuwing umiiyak ako. Yung pagdala mo ng pandesal sa umaga nung hindi ako natulog dahil sa tinapos ko ang presentation ko para sa boss ko. Yung pagukunwari mong nasasaktan ka tuwing hinahampas kita. Yung pagpilit mo sa ’king ngumiti kahit pa sukdulan naman yung kakornihan ng joke mo. Yung nag-star gazing tayo sa field habang nakahiga ako sa braso mo. Yun ang mga katangian mong minahal at pinahalagahan ko. Pero malamang kung si April Boy ang favorite singer mo, na-turn off ako. Pero kaunti lang.

“Hulaan mo?”

“Hay, ‘yan ka na naman. Pahihirapan pa akong manghula, hindi na lang sabihin."

Kunwari nag-isip ako.

“Blue?”

Ngumiti ka.

“Green?”

Sa hindi ko na alam kung pang-ilang pagkakataon, mali na naman ako. Tulad ng maraming pagkakamali na una kong nagawa. Mali ako nung hinulaan kong blue ang kulay ng pinto ng apartment mo, pink pala. Mali ako nung inakala kong bunso ka. Mali ako nung inakala kong iisa lang yung ate mong gagawan natin ng cheesecake at yung ate mong kasama mo sa apartment. Mali yung pagkakabasa ko sa mga ikinikilos mo.

Mali yung inakala kong there was something existing between us. Kasi nung hinayaan ko ang sarili kong mahulog, wala ka palang balak saluhin ako. Ang dami ko tuloy tinamong pilay at sugat. Mga sugat na hindi ko alam kung kalian gagaling ng tuluyan. Mali rin yung inisip ko that there could have been something existing between us kung hindi lang ako tanga. Kasi bumaba ng sukdulan ang self-esteem ko kakasisi ko sa sarili ko. Lalong mali yung umaasa pa rin ako that someday maybe, just maybe, something would be existing between us. Dahil habang patuloy akong umaasa, lalo mo lang akong pinapatay. Kaya nga mali rin siguro na magkaibigan uli tayo.

Pero hindi ko itinuturing na pagkakamali yung minahal kita. Oo, nasaktan ako ng sobra at sinubukan kong lunurin ang sarili ko sa bote-bote ng beer, pero yung sandaling panahong ipinaramdam mo sa ‘kin na mahalaga ako ay isa sa pinakamasasayang sandali ng buhay ko.

Pero dapat ko ng tanggapin na hindi ka talaga para sa ‘kin at dapat na kitang pakawalan. Wala ng silbi yung patuloy ko pang hayaan na sa’yo umikot ang mundo ko. Alam kong magmamahal uli ako, pero hindi pa ngayon.

Kung kailan, hindi ko alam.

Sana lang kapag dumating na ang araw na magmahal uli ako, tumama na ako na blue ang favorite color niya.

Unti-unti ka ng umaalis sa buhay ko pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong favorite color mo...

Ano nga ba kse ang favorite color mo?

Desisyon mo yan diba... edi panindigan mo...

2008-01-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

When you don't have anyone telling you what to do anymore, sometimes you don't know then what you should do. It seems so much easier to have people make decisions for you. Clean your room, do the laundry, do the dishes, mow the lawn, chop down a tree, etc. Even little things like what you can and cannot eat, what you are going to wear, and that yes, you are going to school.

When you're a kid, your parents make those decisions for you. They tell you what you can and can't watch on TV, what time you're going to get your hair cut, and how many gerbils are too many. When you're a kid, you don't make many decisions for yourself.

Decisions.

Making decisions is a sign of power. You're the one who makes the decisions. What power there is in that. Power is great, isn't it? Power is fun, you get to do whatever you want when you make all the decisions, right? Well, with power comes responsibility.

Responsibility.

You're responsible for the decisions you make. Every decision made carries with it an effect, a consequence. No punishments, no rewards, just consequences. Punishments and rewards are effects that occur outside of the decision-making process. You can have them or not, it doesn't matter. You can't get rid of consequences. Sure, you can put a spear point on your your baseball bat and try to get it through that stop sign. Go ahead. Too bad about that little girl. How's jail? You don't have to make any decisions anymore, at least. Easy.

Sometimes, with a lot of power, therefore a lot of responsibility, there comes a lot of stress. Hell, not sometimes, always. There's always stress attached to responsibility. There's stress in the immediate decisions, like do I try to make this yellow light before that truck comes through (whew, that was close!) and stress in the long-term.

Your decisions can either build you up or wear you down. Every adult human is in complete control of themselves. That's how it works, when you're living as an adult. Sometimes, adults don't want that much control, and give some to someone else. A spouse, parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, teacher, neighbor, cab driver, etc. A guy who sees a beautiful women in a restaurant and goes over to her, scared as hell that she's not going to like him, is giving over power over himself. He's not making the decisions anymore. She's in charge of his happiness.

Happiness.

Stress doesn't promote happiness, as far as we know. (quite far) Stress stresses us. Like the tension cables on a suspension bridge, constantly being pulled in three directions, stress stretches and pulls on us, and too much of it can make us snap, or fail. Less stress lets us relax a bit, and be more comfortable. Being comfortable makes us happy.

That's why we love that disgusting old leather couch in our grandpa's basement more than the new abstract artpiece with a funky name from IKEA. That's what we want from our friends. We want people that we can be completely comfortable with. That's what we want from ourselves. We want to be comfortable with ourselves.

Making good decisions tells you that you're doing the right thing. Your power isn't wasted. The more good decisions that you make, the more comfortable you are with yourself. If you're not the one making the right decisions, how can you take the credit for them? How can you be pleased with them?

Making decisions tells you that you're an adult.

You're alive.

You're responsible.

You have power.

You are in charge.

You are. --- Not your mom, not your boyfriend, not your dog. Okay, maybe your dog is in charge, but you know what? He learned it from you.

Take charge. You make tomorrow happen.

You're needed.

Don't screw it up.

Fantasies of reality

2008-01-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

We all grow up in our small fantasy worlds where we are kings, princesses, and/or superheroes. It gives us the chance to escape our realities and, in essence, live who we want ourselves to be.

Each of us does this even if we don't realize it. We don't recognize that we do it even if we're not sleeping. The borders between the waking world and our dreamscapes are so thin that each microcosm overlaps with one another.

Some of us dream we could be something we are not. Some of us dream that our wrongs could be made right if we do a little bit of good. Some of us dream we could change the world.

Our dreams can help drive us to where we want to go. They act as burning fuel to push us to get off our butts and work towards what we truly want.

Sometimes, however, we should let go of our fantasies especially those that we cling to... those that keep us from maturing... and from truly living in reality. We should still pull away from our comfortable perch surrounded by clouds and look at what we're stepping on... shitty as though it may seem.

We should never forget ourselves...

We should never forget reality.

We live in two worlds. We don't live in just one.

Let me tell you about my GOD...

2008-01-13T19:45:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you about Jesus... My Jesus.

I’m not talking about 2000 years ago. I’m talking about today. Right now.

He loves me.

He loves me... Even when I’d like to escape, even when I’d like to leave this life, just for a moment, He’s there. And He’s there when I go down, when I fall, when I want to do things that would hurt me, when I feel sick to my stomach (or is it my heart?) and depressed because I don’t understand myself, or anything for that matter.

He is there...

He’s there when I’m crying and I think no one is listening. And He’s there when I feel lonely because everyone seems to be busy dealing with something else, and no one seems to have the time to just talk for one minute about anything besides work.

He’s there when I make mistakes.

And He’s there when I doubt... When I wonder how all these things can be happening in my life.
And then, there’s those times --- the times when my heart races because I just know that something is about to happen... The times when I open my mouth to speak, and the words that come out are not my own... The times when I wake up in the middle of the night and just pray, with more honesty than I could muster up during daylight...

The times when I feel an overwhelming presence that could be nothing less than that of the all powerful God... The times when I’m so filled with love and joy that I see everyone around in a different way...

The times when I’ve been so overcome with passion that it’s borderline scary... The times when I hear the voice of God, and have to act upon it...

The times when I jump up and down, just because I’m so happy to be alive, and to be living (there is, as I’ve found, a difference between the two.)

The times when I know I’m accepted by Him, regardless of the way I act.

Freedom.

Love.

Peace.

Serenity.

So go ahead --- ask me about Jesus.

My Jesus.

Kung nasa iyo na ang lahat... anong meron ka?

2008-01-12T14:40:00.000-08:00

When a man has everything, what is everything worth? Nothing. Everything loses meaning when one can't afford to dream.

Like wanderers that chart all frontiers conquered, where else can one go if all areas have already been mapped?

This leaves us with the choice to remain satisfied with what we have --- at least for now. Think of your current situation as just a passing phase.

Dream --- and reach for what you want.

The wait, the delay in gratification, will make the rewards sweeter. And victory will mean more than a dusty trophy on your living room shelf.

Magkano bang pag-ibig mo? Pag-iipunan ko.

2008-01-11T14:22:00.000-08:00

The Best Things in Life ay libre...

Wise men say that the best thing in life is to give love... and receive it. They weren't lying when they said that happiness is free. Money can't buy you love... as the old song goes...

The best things in life are free...

I think contrary to common assumptions, people are more averse to receiving love than giving it. And similar to all great equations, once incomplete and unresolved, love (like everything else) fails. Most of us unconsciously feel that we don't deserve love. We think that if we give in and let it sink in, we'll become too mushy... too soft... too VULNERABLE.

But isn't love supposed to fortify? Isn't it there to strengthen our bonds?

Love connects us all.

Between you and me, I don't get why people push away the people who love them. (Deep down, our brains are somehow fooling us that we are too corrupted to deserve love... or we are too scared that the other person loves us too much, and we can't give the same amount of love in return. Don't you think this wrong? Love is there to be given. And, as the song says, it's free.) We rely too much on sight, I believe. We always trust what we see. But sight is the easiest to fool of all the senses. Why can't people trust what they feel?

Have they been burned before? Have they been hurt so bad that they don't want to love again? Or feel loved?

These are the types who alienate themselves from society... and trust is a valuable commodity. If we want others to trust us, we must learn how to trust them too. Even if we're unsure, even if we're in the dark... sometime, somewhere, there'd be hands waiting to catch us before we fall.

It's not always guaranteed... this life doesn't come with a warranty.

But we live once. We gamble.

And maybe, if we try hard enough... if we wait long enough... and we invest enough time, effort, blood, and tears... we could hit the jackpot.

Open your eyes. Maybe we should do the opposite. Let's close them. And hope against hope that the next time we fall... there'd be hands waiting to catch us.

I still believe that the best things in life are free.

You can’t buy love.

If you want to buy love, buy a puppy.

May SEB ka na naman?

2008-01-10T13:50:00.000-08:00

FYI. This is for the sake of argument.

You might say that I just contradicted myself. How can you be honorable by sleeping around? How can there be honor in an act of self-deprecation?

Well, as I said, I didn't want to cheat. I never want to cheat. I never cheated any of my boyfriends before (at least they never caught me, hahaha.) But seriously, I’ve never done that. I will never do that. And I have no plans of doing it for the next 45 minutes...

BUT.

And that's a big BUT right there, pardon the pun. Haha. I'm single now. And let's not kid ourselves. A lot of people are looking just to get laid. And note that the percentage of bi-males doing this is increasing with time.

I am a turd. Hahaha! I know.

The thing is... not all bi-males are joining this bandwagon I’m discussing. And the difference between an honorable dude fucking around and a jerk fucking around is knowing your limitations. Know your boundaries. Know your role.

Hear me, dre? You smell what I’m cooking?

Some guys are willing to play. Sniff them out. And like an HONORABLE fisher, throw back the fish you can't really eat.

Learn it.

Absorb it.

Stick it up your cross-minded ass.

Oh, and I don’t do one night stands.... two nights maybe... hahaha... kidding...

Interested? PM me, serious takers only (God I always see that in guys profiles... hahaha). I am so dead.

LOL.

So, naninigarilyo ka na naman?

2008-01-09T18:40:00.000-08:00

“So, naninigarilyo ka na naman?”

Gusto ko ang opening line niya. Napaka-ordinaryo pero dahil nasa akin ang buong atensyon niya ng araw na iyon, masaya ako. Medyo maaskad ang pagkakabitiw niya ng tanong pero dahil parang droga ang tama niya sa akin, natural lang na hindi ako maasar.

So, nginitian ko siya sabay sabi ng ganito: “Wala to pauso lang ako.”

“Anong pauso? Masama yan.”

“Di naman. May iniisip lang kasi ako, kaya naisip kong manigarilyo.”

“Bakit di ka ba makapag-isip ng walang nakasuksok dyan sa bibig mo?”

“Nakakaisip naman kaya lang ano kasi mas nakakapag-isip ako ng mabuti pag me ganito eh.”

“So, ano, naka-depende ka na lang dyan habang buhay?”

Tila bad mood sya nung araw na yun. Actually bad mood din ako eh, kaya lang ayoko siyang sabayan. Mahirap sabayan ang galit nya, malamang sa hindi ako ang talo.

“Sabi ko nga, di na ko magsisigarilyo uli eh. Eto nga’t papatayin ko na o!”

So there goes my cig.

My last one.

Down the wet, cold earth.

It goes.

Like a rotten shit.

Dead.

“Ahm, nabasa mo na ba yung Love in the Time of Cholera ni Gabriel Garcia Marquez?” Bigla ay hirit ko. Gusto ko lang ibahin ang usapan. Although kating-kati na akong pumunta sa pinaka-malapit na tindahan para bumili ng stick.

“Ah yun? Oo naman di ba pinagduldulan mo pa nga sakin yun dati? Bakit mo naitanong?”

“Wala lang, naalala ko lang yung bidang lalake dun, si Florentino Ariza, alala mo?”

“Yup, yup. O bakit mo siya naalala?”

“Ano kasi, feeling ko kasi ako sya.”

Mula sa kawalan, biglang napatingin sya sa ‘kin. Seryoso yung mukha. Dead-serious. To the max. Ilang minuto lang biglang nagbago na yung reaksyon ng mukha niya tapos bumunghalit siya ng tawa. Yung klase ng tawa na pang-asar, yung nakakaloko.

Pero natutuwa ako pagganito ang itsura niya. Lumalabas ang pamatay niyang ngiti. Anak ng teteng. Kung pwede ko lang siyang bulungan ng ganito: Mahal kita, sobra, lampas langit, lampas impyerno. Gagawin ko, kung pwede. Kahit magmukha akong naghahabol na aso. Pero hindi pwede.

Sa totoo lang, hindi siya guwapo. Wala siyang dating kahit saang angulo ng mukha mo tingnan. Mapuputing ngipin lang ang salvation niya. Ordinaryo lang ang mukha niya, yung tipong lalampasan mo lang ng tingin sa karamihan kasi nga wala naman siyang katangian na magpapabalik sa iyo ng tingin. Sa katunayan, sa sobrang ordinaryo ng mukha niya, iisipin mong pangit siya o dahil walang dating, boring at walang sense kausap.

Pero kasi, iba kse sya. Ordinaryo man siya sa itsura, hindi ordinaryo ang isip niya. Tiklop ako, supalpal, barado, madalas mukhang tanga. Siguro ganoon ako, gusto ko yung pinagmumukha akong tanga para malaman ko na wala naman talaga akong binatbat. Na sagana lang ako sa tula at walang kwentang kuwento. Siya yung tagapag-paalala ko na wala akong karapatang magmalaki sa mundo kasi may mga taong katulad niya.

Sabi ng konsensiya ko: ”You’re just a little, dark dot... nothing more, nothing less.”

“Nyak. I-ikaw? Feeling mo si Florentino Ariza ka?” Tapos tumawa uli siya ng malakas.

Naisip ko, s##t, nakakatawa ba talaga yung sinabi ko? Seryoso naman ako. Akala ko pa naman intellectually stimulating yung binuksan kong topic.

“In what ways were you two alike? Baket impassioned nympho ka rin ba? At sino naman ang iyong Fermina Daza? Tapos tumawa uli siya.

Kung ibang tao lang siguro ang kaharap ko, malamang naupakan ko na sa mukha. Seryosong seryoso ka sa pakikipag-usap, tapos bibirahan ka ng tawa. Dyahe yun. Badtrip.

“Naisip ko lang na parang ako si Florentino in the sense na pareho kaming engot pagdating sa pag-ibig. We both take pleasure in the pain of unrequited love. Parang ganun.”

“Namputcha naman yang mga hirit mo. Yuck. Kelan ka pa nahilig sa love and all those mushy bullshit. Akala ko pa naman astig ka. Yuck ka!”

Bigla akong natameme. May mga lalake din palang OA mag-react. Tapos sinisi ko ang sarili ko kung bakit nabanggit ko pa sa kanya yung lintek na librong yun. Bigla akong nahiya. Pero nag-try akong bumawi. Kahit supalpal na, lalaban pa din ako.

“Ano kasi, ala lang, naisip ko lang kasi. Siguro nga malayo kami ni Florentino sa ilang aspeto pero kase naisip ko, possible naman yun di ba? Putek, di bale na nga lang kalimutan mo na lang na nabanggit ko yun.”

Siyempre pakunsensya epek ako. Tapos, nahalata niya siguro na medyo nag-iba yung panlasa ko. Gusto ko na nung mag-walk out kaya lang di ko magawa. Nahiya ako, gusto ko pa naman sanang magpa-impress.

“Sus. Kaw naman, tampo agad. Alam mo kasi, ano eh, gago kase ang dating sa ‘kin ni Florentino dun sa book. Tragis, sino bang sira-ulo ang maghihintay ng 55 years para lang maangkin ang taong minamahal niya? I mean, alam mo yun, tapos kung kani-kaninong babae siya naki-pagsex tapos igigiit niya na all through those long years, he remained pure and virgin for Fermina. That’s bullshit. Wala, sira ulo lang ang mga taong gumawa nun. I mean, siguro magkakagusto ako sa isang babae, pero hindi ako ganoon ka-martir na mag-iintay ng kalahating century para sa babae.”

Natameme uli ako. Hindi ako sang-ayon sa sinabi niya. Nagmamarakulyo ang isip ko sa mga binitawan niya. Gusto kong sabihin na may ganung klase ng pag-ibig. Na merong mga tao na willing mag-hintay ng ilang taon para lang maibalik sa kanila yung pag-ibig na matagal nilang itinanim. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na pwedeng mangyari yun, na kaya ko nasabing nakaka-relate ako kay Florentino dahil pakiramdam ko, duon ako patungo ngayon. Gusto kong i-explain sa kanya na totoo si Florentino Ariza, na pwede siyang mag-exist. Pero siyempre natameme na naman ako. Supalpal. Sapol na sapol.

“Onga, kabaliwan siguro yung pinagsasabi ko. Siguro nga sira ulo si Florentino Ariza. Sige, kalimutan mo na yung sinabi ko. Malayong maging ako si Florentino Ariza.”

“So ano, tara na, pasok na tayo sa loob?”

“Ahm, dito muna ko. Magpapahangin lang.”

“Sure ka? O sige. Basta wag ka na lang magsisigarilyo ha?”

“Sige. Pramis.”

Para makasiguro, kinuha nya yung lighter ko. Tapos nakangiti siyang pumasok sa loob. Ako, naiwan sa labas, nag-iisip pa rin. Tumingala ako sa langit pero wala akong langit na nakita... puno lang ng saging. Tapos kinapa ko ang bulsa ko. Meron pang naiwang isang stick.

I smiled.

A foolish one.

Because somehow I knew I’ve fooled him.

But I’m dead.

Foolish are fooled not once.

Ginala ko ang tingin ko tapos, nakisindi ako ng siga.

Saan na nakakabili ng closure?

2008-01-08T17:11:00.000-08:00

I have come to realize that everyone has been unfortunate enough to have had their hearts tortured at least once... and as for the ones who haven't... well I don't like them. They're so strange... and happy... I don't like those people.

They couldn't begin to understand what heartache feels like... and I don't just mean a lover's pain.

A heart can be wrung by one's own family and friends. A pet's death could do the same... But those people who have never experienced any pain are so strange. They make me unbelievably uncomfortable.

They pity me.

Why? I can't make use of their pity.

With the exception of those few strange people, all the others have their own deeply buried bruises and gashes... As time passes... The hurt heals enough to be discussed sans emotion, but if the tormentor returns, they needn't even so much as breathe to rip open the old wounds...

A good song can gently prod at the deepest stashed hurt, generate misty eyes and a few misplaced tears... An even better song will create the same effect without the realization of why it hurts... But nothing will have the same effect as the return of the Tormentor.

The death of a loved one creates the deepest hurt, with scattered scratches inside the ragged cuts, within the torn gashes, which cover the entire surface of twisted, mutilated mass that was once labeled as a heart. Of course, this... thing... may never heal... I wouldn't know because I fortunately have been spared from that form of attack to the heart...

But people do move on....

Their hearts are resilient, and they reconstruct a new one...

Some are reconstructed weakly... These people don't last very long. Others are reconstructed with the extra strength to withstand a second blow... These find it difficult to love again. Still, others will use the help of another heart, or more, to become reconstructed just as before.

I have given my heart in such a way to someone in need, with no regrets, because he is now healing, and my heart is still the same as it was before... I have had a heartache. I suppose that in a disgustingly twisted way, I am greatful for having had the experience, because I would rather be as I am now, than be among the strangely ecstatic...

Somehow, though, I do believe that I could have made do solely with the hurt that my family brings. Most of us have family issues which make us "normal" in my definition...Maybe we all just need an excuse to harbor poison within our hearts...

Our Tormentors are none other than ourselves, and we need something external on which to place the blame...

Anyway, there are certain people that I would like to share my hurt with... But I find no reason to do so. I sit quietly, patiently, waiting for anyone to reveal themselves to me so that I may show them the gaping hole that was seared so deeply into my heart, still dripping sticky flesh from a lack of closure...

Oh how cruel one's Tormentor can be...

And yet I thank him.

I suppose that I do thank him for giving me such awesome material to work with, for enlightening me to a whole new subject of art, and therefore improving me as a whole... But everything about it is twisted.

I am, in effect, thanking him for ruining me as I once knew myself... I hold such contempt towards him for doing so.

Possibly one of my largest fears is the possibility of his return...

But this is all aside from the point.

Faggot

2008-01-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

Fags.

Do you know where the word comes from?

The bundles of sticks that homosexuals were forced to carry. Their own fags in fact, as they marched to be burned for something they couldn’t help.

You know who else they burned? Witches. And didn’t we prove that one wrong too? Did those innocent people deserve to die?

No.

And even though no one’s being burned anymore, they’re being hated. They’re being discriminated against. They’re being bashed. They’re being forced into hiding.We talk about how much society has advanced and evolved in recent years and decades, but how far have we really come? Still forcing people to hide who they are and renounce themselves, punishing them for what they can’t help.

It’s the silent genocide. (Day of silence anyone?) They’re not being killed, no. But they’re being killed inside. They’re killing themselves.

Why?

Some are taught that what they are is wrong. They hate themselves that much. Others because everyone around them gives them odd looks or insults them, ignores them, and bashes them.

‘You are so GAY!’

Well, what if I am? What’s wrong with that? Can’t I be myself anymore? My parents, my teachers, all those cheesy books on self-esteem, they all told me to be myself. So I’m doing exactly that. And now you want me to be something else?

I’m confused. Screw you.

But it’s not that easy just to ignore the fire from all sides. Because above it all, more than wanting to be accepted, more than wanting to be open and proud, you want to be accepted. Accepted by your peers, your friends, your family.

You know it’s true. ‘Of course we know how to dress. We’ve been in the closet for centuries.’ Funny, harmless, but if you look deeper, as with most things, it’s not as innocent as it seems. Yes, exactly that. ‘Been in the closet for centuries.’

And aren’t we still? You tell me.

You tell me.

Because I don’t think I can deal with all this anymore.

Twisted Tongue

2008-01-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

(1) If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand", how do I understand that you understand? Understand!

(2) I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch whishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

(3) Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

(4) A sailor went to sea to see what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

(5) If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

(6) I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought. If the thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

(7) Once a fellow met a fellow in a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, can a fellow tell a fellow what a fellow means?"

(8) Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to Mr Outside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "No", and told Mr Outside to come outside. Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

(9) She sells sea shells on the sea shore. But the sea shells that she sells, on the sea shore are not the real ones.

(10) The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

(11) If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctors the doctor the way the doctor he's doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctors the way the doctor who doctors doctors?When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Is the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or is the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way.

(12) We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, or wether the weather be not, whether the weather be cold or whether the weather be hot, we'll weather the weather whatever the weather. Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

(13) Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

(14) A flea and a fly in a flue said the fly "oh what should we do" said the flea. "Let us fly" said the fly. "Let us flee". So the flew though a flaw in the flue.

(15) If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

(16) Mr See owned a saw. And Mr Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw? See's saw wouldn't have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

What is gender and why the hell does it matter?

2008-01-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

What is gender?

If we consult Webster’s College Edition of 1983, the dictionary gives two definitions.

The first definition is purely grammatical.

Gender is a system in certain languages of classifying nouns and, the dictionary asserts, for the most part has nothing to do with “male” or “female”—never mind that in French, all long, cylindrical and/or pointed objects are masculine.

The second definition is as follows verbatim: “[Colloq.] sex.”

The problem with this definition is that it makes the assumption that a person’s gender identity is equated with having certain genetalia. Biology does not determine destiny. There are men with vaginas, women with penises, and people all over the gender spectrum with every which reproductive organ, a lot of whom don’t feel a need to obtain surgery to change their bodies. Your genetalia do not automatically determine your gender, and not everyone feels a need to expunge from their bodies organs traditionally associated with another gender.

In her memoir Gender Outlaw, Kate Bornstein writes of her own surgery, “I didn’t hate my penis because I was a woman; I hated it because [in the world’s eyes] it made me a man.”

Another problem with a definition of gender as “sex” lies in the first definition the same dictionary gives to “sex”: 1. Either of two divisions, male or female.

A definition of gender as “sex” makes a further assumption that there are only two possible genders: male and female (or man and woman, if you prefer).

However, not everyone fits into this neat binary system. Writer Kate Bornstein advocates an end to calling gender “sex” altogether in Gender Outlaw and writes, “Don’t call it ‘biological sex’ or social gender. Don’t call it ‘sex’ at all --- sex is fucking; gender is everything else.”

A lot of people (myself included) don’t identify as either gender of the dominant binary system. Some of us call ourselves androgynous or genderqueer; others simply stand under the transgender* umbrella or make up new terms for our genders.

I call myself gender-indifferent because I am not concerned with presenting myself as a gender, and I am far more concerned with presenting myself as a person. I wear board shorts because I like them, not to present myself as a man; I wear fitted jeans because I like them, not to present myself as a woman.

A person’s gender is built on presentation. If your actions and behaviors have said to the world “I am a woman” and you agree, you have successfully presented yourself as a woman. If your actions and behaviors have said to the world “I am a man” and you agree, you have successfully presented yourself as man.

The same is true for all other genders, although it’s considerably more difficult to keep most people from wondering, “What’s in that person’s pants?” (As if it mattered.)

For those of us who don’t bother presenting ourselves as a gender, we have a voice in American musician Patti Smith: “As far as I’m concerned, being any gender is a drag.”

Tulog na mahal ko... tabi tayo...

2008-01-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

There is something about sleeping with another that changes the very foundation and sense of what sleep is and how it works.

To sleep alone provides the needed rest. The sheets are comforting, the blanket warm.

When I think of sleeping with you, I think of something different. Sleeping alone refreshes the body. Sleeping with you refreshes and strengthens the spirit.

My favorite sleep is in the rainy days, in the cold. It is my favorite because the comfort and the warmth of the bed are accentuated. There is the feeling of the softness and texture of the sheets surrounding and comforting your body. The chill of the air has made the sheets cold, but I also know that my body heat will warm them quickly. With two of us, I know the sheets warm that much more quickly because of the shared warmth.

After the sheets come the blankets, which bring warmth with them, too. They bundle around us, and make us cozy. I am not sure why this feeling is wonderful to me, perhaps it has to do with the childhood memory of being bundled in a mother's arms, carried in security.

The comfort of the bed, the soft firmness of the mattress and warmth of the sheets and blankets, becomes something more with you in the bed with me. It expands, and is a shared experience. It's like the difference between seeing a movie alone, or with someone; it’s like going on a roller coaster alone, or with someone. When you are with someone, the experience is shared and enjoyed because of the sharing.

The sharing of bed with you becomes a means of sharing simple pleasure in comfort. It is one of the most basic things that one can share. When we both climb in together, this sense of sharing is an unconsious but very real thing that makes sleep of a fundamentally higher quality. The sense of comfort moves from the physical to the emotional with this sharing.

Some of my feelings may be from sharing warmth, because when in bed with you, even when we do not touch, I can sense and feel your warmth. If it is especially cold, when we first snuggle in, we can be closer, and warm each other. It is almost as if in a time of need, you reach out to me with your being, and use it to envelope and support me.

Touch between lovers is the physical manifestation of the emotional union. This is why having sex is termed making love. Sleeping with the one you love has the same sense of physical bonding that reflects the emotional bonding. I love to touch you at night.

Sometimes it is just our legs brushing against each other, or a hand or arm touching to remind me that you are there and with me. At other times, the ability to reach out and touch you, to feel your body move as you breathe, provides the comfort and security of the emotional union during sleep.

Perhaps the most relaxing and intimate thing to experience in bed is to be spooned. To literally be enveloped in the warmth and love and comfort, expressed physically, is something I cherish. To spoon you, brings out the feelings of protecting, love and support I naturally wish to express. When you allow me to spoon you, it is an acceptance of my love and protection which is tremendously satisfying.

After the hard day, with stresses and problems, the world can simply melt away. I strip myself down, naked so that I can feel the warmth and touch, and climb under the covers. Laying on my side, I feel the covers briefly turn down, and then your touch as you climb in with me. The sensation of your body as it presses against mine begins the immediate sense of relaxation.

As you snuggle close, and your arm wraps around me, your legs slightly entwine with mine, my eyes close, and there is nothing in the world but you, covering me, protecting me, loving me.

I relax, and sleep...

A sleep that refreshes the soul as well as the body.

SOMEDAY, SOMETIME, SOMEDAY

2008-01-03T16:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the world seems dark. Your friends abandon you, your family hates you, your lover uses you, your teachers fail you, your bosses screw you over in unimaginable ways. Sometimes it seems like hope has faded, along with the moon and the stars.

Days seem dark, nights seem cold.

Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it to get out of bed. Sometimes, it hurts like hell.

You watch everyone around you --- friends, co-workers, people on the street. You watch, and you see that they seem so happy.

And then you wonder --- why?

Why can't I be happy like that? Why can't I go buy expensive shoes and feel fulfilled? Why can't I get laid and think everything's okay? Why the hell do things leave me empty, when everyone else feels just fine? Why does it have to hurt so bad?

You cry. You let the tears spill from your eyes, burn your cheeks, leave trails of salt over your lips. You sob silently, or maybe not so silently. Maybe you cry out, because it just hurts too much to keep quiet about. Maybe you let it eat you alive, like I did. Maybe you never let the tears fall at all.

Maybe you're just proud enough to put on a mask and pretend everything's okay. Maybe you hide the way you feel. Maybe you're scared of the pain. Maybe you're terrified to let people think there's anything different about you.

Or maybe, you just don't know how else to be. But even if the tears never make it past your eyes, they're inside you.

Sometimes, you turn the music up so loud, you can't even hear yourself think. Sometimes, the pills numb the hell out of you, and the doctor says that means you're okay. Sometimes, you tear yourself to pieces, because watching yourself bleed makes you believe you're real. Sometimes, you can't even bring yourself to do any of that. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do, so you just sit there and wait for the darkness to pass.

But someday, the scars will fade, the meds will be gone, and the deafness won't even be necessary. Someday, things will really be okay.

Hope really is like the night sky --- it's there, even if you can't see it. Someday, the pain will go away and you will find out that there is only one thing that actually lasts --- love. Not to sound cliche, but love is the only real thing in this world. Pain, hate, sorrow --- they're all illusions. Love is what makes this world worthy of existence. Love is the only thing that opens our eyes to the beautiful things.

Sometimes, it's still going to hurt. But sometimes you have to suffer for the things that are worth it, the things you really love.

And sometime, someday, you're going to be glad you got out of bed and faced the day.