Takot Ka Ba Sa Dilim?

Noong mga bata pa tayo, nakakatakot ang pagsapit ng gabi dahil sa mga multo sa ilalim ng ating mga kama. Sari-saring aswang ang naimbento ng mga matatanda para matakot tayo sa dilim. Sari-saring kababalaghan ang naipalabas na sa sampung instalments ng Shake, Rattle and Roll.

Habang tumatanda tayo at nagkakaisip, iba na ang mga multong ating kinakaharap.

Kalungkutan.

Pag-aalinlangan sa sariling kakayahan.

Panghihinayang sa mga bagay na hindi nagawa at nasabi.

Dalamhati.

Pighati.

At kahit na nasa sapat na tayong edad at marami-rami na din naming nalalaman, parati pa rin tayong natatakot sa dilim.

Pagtulog, ito ang pinaka madaling solusyon. Ang kailangan lang ay ipikit ang iyong mga mata. Pero para sa nakararami sa atin, maging ang pagtulog ay isang pagsubok. Gusto natin ito, pero may pagkakataong kahit pagtulog ay hindi natin makuhang magawa.

Subalit, kapag natutunan nating harapin ang ating mga kinatatakutan at bumaling sa iba para humingi ng tulong, ang pagsapit ng gabi ay hindi na gaanong nakakakilabot...

Dahil alam natin, na kahit sa dilim, hindi tayo nag-iisa.

Ikaw, takot ka ba sa dilim?

Snap shots of a tear-stained face

In the unchartable depths behind my eyes, wheels of colour dance, blown by some strange wind that would chill you to the marrow to feel it.

Images - snap shots - of things that have been or have yet to be flicker in and out in no discernable order. Strands of music buzz through the air like living rays of light; illuminating everything around them in a multitude of yellows and blues. Beams of the purest colours shine down from above, as if rent asunder by a giant diamond prism.

Some would look at this and see only chaos and madness. I look at this and see beauty that is wild and free, untamed by chisel or lute, paper or canvass. This purity inspires me. It gives me the strength to perservere.

I capture small portions of this to show others what I have seen, but I know not if my efforts are in vain.

Can you hear the mystery calling to you? Can you reach out and touch it, calling it to yourself, letting it envelop you and help you to find your way?

Maybe I'll be stuck like this forever, until my tears wear my body away like the ocean does a mountain. Until the darkness overcomes my heart and snuffs me out like a candle's pale flame, with a single gust of icy wind. Until my loneliness tears me in two and my anger consumes me like burning wood, leaving only ashes of what was before, a scant reminder of a ruined life. I burn even now. I burn with indecision.

Should I give up this fight that will eventually lead me to my downfall, or should I keep up the fight and endure the pain as a consequence?

Maybe some day I will find a way out of my personal darkness, my personal hell, but for now... now I will put on my mask and continue on with my back straight and my head up. I have nothing to fear but fear itself; which I won't let bother me. To be afraid of fear is a pointless waste of time, and I need all that I can find. Fear is just the unknown. Logical thinking dispels the gloom.

Maybe some day I will be able to tell my friends how much I truly need them and how much I rely on them being there for me. Maybe some day I can rejoin my friends in my make-believe world, and this one, to play on the green grass all day long.

Maybe some day I'll find the mysterious antidote that will clear this vicious poison from my senses and I can return home with a light heart and I won't have to hide my tear-stained face from the world any more.

Maybe some day I'll be free at last.

Despite everything, life goes on. Another silver tear rolls down my face in the lengthening silence.

Yes.

Life goes on.

Why can't the end come now?

I can't think of anything to write today.

All I can think about is how sad I feel - how much it hurts.

It's been another bad day, and I can't express how sad I am. Everything I see makes me sadder. And I just can't stand it. I think I'm going insane.

I have no more strength for this.

No more fortitude.

No more stamina.

It hurts, and I want someone to hold me while I cry ---

…cry out a life of loneliness and sorrow

…cry out the loss of all of my hopes and dreams

…cry out the desperate longings that will never be answered.

I have passed fear and now only know infinite sadness… sadness without measure and without end… a sadness that knows only solutions which can never be.

But rather than make another lengthy Journal entry about how pathetic I am, I'm just going to end it at this.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have something worthwhile to write.

There is no one to help. I am alone.

Destitute.

Empty.

Soulless.

Why can't the end come now?

Chanelling Darkness

Darkness.

Only darkness. A darkness of pain, loneliness, and hopelessness.

I just finished reading a gay and lesbian oriented book yesterday. Very well written. Very poignant. Very upsetting. All too comparable to my own life. I need to write a paper on this book, but I couldn't do it tonight. I was too disturbed.

Then I read story updates on the gay romances I follow on the net. Most of the chapters to various stories were happy, uncomplicated episodes, but reading about gay couples happily enjoying a long-term companionship makes me sad.

I don't begrudge them their happiness - in my own way, I am happy for them - but every happy gay couple I see or hear about is simply a painful reminder of how alone I am and have so often been.

Reading these various chapters after finishing that book has left me very down.

Very alone...

Do you realize that this has nothing to do with sex? Can you understand that? I just need someone to hold and to hold me. I need someone that really wants to know my troubles and help me overcome them. I need someone that I can trust. Someone who won't laugh at me or belittle my fears and pains. Someone who won't hurt me, and someone who won't leave me.

I would give everything for someone like that...

All that I am, all I own, all my dreams, all my love, all my trust, all my mind, my body, my soul, my life - all that they might ever desire or need or hope for; no need would be too much; no risk would be too great; no price would be too high to pay.

But none of that matters.

No one will ever know.

No one cares.

All of my love lies with me in darkness.