The battle of head versus heart

The battle of head versus heart is excruciating.

Which is the right one to follow?

My head which is trying to protect my heart? Or my heart, my heart that is falling hopelessly... leading me into a dead end... walking me head first into a brick wall?

I wish I could say my vision is blurry --- that I'm blinded, but I can see so clearly it scares me. I see the part of me that just can't walk the other way, that can't tear my eyes off of him or keep myself from trembling when he looks directly at me --- especially when he makes me feel like I'm the only person in a room.

Sometimes we can fall in love with someone for all the wrong reasons... and still love them even after all the hurt because well... sometimes and most times… we can’t pick who we love.

And even though we know we shouldn’t love them we do… and always will… because there are just a small number of people in this world who will "get" us for reasons we can’t explain…

Even when they shouldn’t and even when time has elapsed since we've last talked…

I am running out of teeth...

I felt something catch in my throat, a sudden surge of sadness that caught me unaware. It almost managed to take my breath away. That was the thing… you never got used to it… you never got used to the idea of someone being gone.

Just when you think it’s okay, and you think you've accepted it, someone points it out to you, and it hits you all over again…

And it's just as shocking as the first time.

And because he has been a major part of your life, of course you'll miss him.

It's perfectly normal.

It's like getting a tooth pulled out… after the dentist pulls it out, you're relieved.

But how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day.

Just because it was hurting you does not mean you don't notice it. It leaves a gap, and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It's going to take awhile, but it takes time.

Should you have kept the tooth?

No, because it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it's going to hurt.

How am I?

Every time someone asks me that question, I say, "I'm fine, thank you," but to be honest, I'm not.

Do people really want to know how you feel when they ask how are you? Or are they just trying to be polite?

The next time the woman across the road from my apartment says to me, 'how are you?' I'm going to say to her:

"Well, actually, I'm not very well at all, thank you. I'm feeling a bit depressed and lonely. Pissed off at the world. Envious of you and your perfect little family but not particularly envious of your husband for having to live with you."

And then I'll tell her about how I started a new job and met lots of new people and how I'm trying hard to pick myself up but that I'm now at a loss about what else to do.

Then I'll tell her how it pisses me off when everyone says time is a healer when at the same time they also say absence makes the heart grow fonder, which really confuses me because that means that the longer he's gone the more I want him.

I'll tell her that nothing is healing at all and that every morning I wake up in my empty bed it feels like salt is being rubbed into those unhealing wounds.

And then I'll tell her about how much I miss my partner and about how worthless my life seems without him. How uninterested I am in getting on with things without him, and I'll explain how I feel like I'm just waiting for my world to end so that I can join him.

She'll probably just say, "Oh that's good," like she always does, kiss her husband good-bye, hop into her car, and drop her kids at school, go to work, make the dinner and eat the dinner, and go to bed with her husband and she'll have it all done while I'm still trying to decide what color shirt to wear to work.

What do you think?

Sigh... life... it's messy... (at least mine is)

What’s so Lethal about Dating?

Do you ever wonder when you meet someone if you are meeting the real person or a "representative"? Every now and again, I am reminded of how lethal the dating game can be. It is not for the faint of heart.

And so, my story goes...

OK, so my friend kept insisting I meet this guy. "Just have a drink," she said. She began to beg, so I finally decided to oblige her. I mean she made this guy sound better than sliced bread. The fact that I hadn’t been out on a "real" date in months was also a factor. My post-break-up life was taking some getting used to and I was attempting to get some normalcy back in my life.

We were slated to meet at a nightclub, which I wasn’t too crazy about at first, but I figured dancing would break the ice pretty quickly. Earlier when he and I spoke, he seemed to be intelligent and well spoken. He must have called my cell a dozen times to confirm and reconfirm. Was he overly attentive or a potential stalker? The jury was still out on this one.

I made it to my destination, and he and I hit it off instantly. He had a great sense of humor and was definitely pleasing to the eyes.

He ordered me a glass of margarita and we chatted about everything from work to relationships. After dancing the night away, things ended as sweet as they began and he was the perfect gentleman.

Over the next several days I was wined, dined and swept off my feet. He even took me to his work to meet his officemates. I truly believed this guy was the real thing. Our conversations were great and our time together was enjoyable. I had to pinch myself to make sure this was real.

He talked about living in together. He called me his "soul mate." So I wasn’t at all surprised when he asked me to be his boyfriend. We were compatible on so many different levels, I eagerly accepted. We started to plan our lives together.

There were just two things standing in the way --- Benjo and Kevin, the other two guys he had been seeing while dating me.

As it turns out, this man managed to lie about every aspect of his life. Benjo and Kevin were just two, of many, in his flock. He turned out to be nothing he claimed to be. The signs were there all along, but I made sense out of them at the time. I bet you can relate.

Hindsight is 20/20 and the lessons from this experience were invaluable. So to all of you who love being "in love," meditate on this. Slow down, take your time and check things out objectively. Separate fantasy from reality and trust your instinct.

Always remember, if you play the game in any form, you become the game.

Note to self: Look beneath the surface. The truth lives there.

Don't think about that guy

"Don't think about that guy!"

You shouted to me over your shoulder as you ran toward the bus stop, your bright red sweater flashing as you disappeared into the crowd.

I must have shouted something back at you although I can't remember what it was. Knowing me, it was probably a very weary but enthusiastic "OK!" The enthusiasm was for you - my best effort to appease optimists - but the weariness was for me and the inevitable catch-22 of bullshit infatuations: to get over someone, you find someone else. Don't think about that guy by thinking about another guy.

Not that I was looking for you. I always felt this strange ticking sensation deep within me whenever I'd run into you on campus. Like a tiny grandfather clock was sitting inside my chest, and whenever I'd see you, it would strike midnight. I still walk those same pathways where I used to glimpse you, and sometimes I expect to just see you striding toward me, headphones around your neck, a book in your face. Even though I know it's impossible, I think that part of me secretly hopes that I will see you walking, completely unaware that you're about to bump into me like you did that afternoon you told me not to think about "that guy." I guess it's for the better...because we all know what happens when twelve am rolls around. The little bird jumps out and yells "Cuckoo!"

I have been forced to live a stationary life since I was born, and the frustration of it all has finally polluted me. I think I've made up for the sedentary lifestyle that has throttled me throughout these years by finding romance in individuals who won't stay still. Maybe it's from the hope they can make me free like them, and I can fly away from this self-defeating cage of unattainable dreams. I'm always ready to leave, always ready to go somewhere, but the clock never strikes midnight when I'm alone.

"Don't think about that guy!" you shouted to me.

I never would have thought that you would later be "that guy." The guy that I would have to let go of, the guy I couldn't hold on to forever.

You're always ready to leave, always ready to go somewhere.

And sometimes, when I think about all of the memories we've made together, I still feel a pressing urgency to go chase you. But I know I never will. I found you without looking for you, and if I ever do find you again I don't want to hear the ticking of any clock.

Most of our love was clocks.

Emancipation of the Heart

When you look for it, why can you not find it? When you stop looking, why does it find you? When you search for it, why do you do it in all the wrong places? When you give up, why do you run into it in the most unlikely of places?

When you let go, is it because you love too much or because you don't love enough? What brings more pain--loving or leaving? Is the realization that you no longer pine for anyone a liberating or lonely feeling?

When romantic relationships spark no interest, is it because you love yourself too much or because you love others too little? When you leave, should you feel dispirited? Or should you feel invigorated? When you are left behind, should you feel lost? Or should you feel emancipated?

When you stop loving, is it the end or the beginning?

When you cling to it, you lose it. When you avoid it, it tracks you down.

Defining it will confound you.

Coveting it will destroy you.

But if you can just let it be, it can be a gift that can be appreciated for what it is and all that it can bring you.

When you love no matter what, are you brave or are you mad? When you fall in love, are you blessed or are you cursed? When you refuse to fall out of love, are you determined or deranged? Does love inspire? Or does it drain?

When you are resolute, are you romantic or are you rabid?

Why do people say they love when they don't? And why do they say they don't when they do? Why is a declaration of love the hardest of statements to make when it is real? And the easiest to make when it is false?

Why can a child declare with certainty and without fear, that she is loved?

No matter how many times she has been berated? Because against conflicting words and actions, repeated denials and numerous contradictions, love shows itself when it is there. And even when no words are spoken, much is said.

Why do people love even when they are not loved back? Why do people love a little, love a lot, love deeply, love foolishly, love forever, love again? Why do people love at all? Does love empower? Or does it enfeeble?

Why do we see something in someone that others don't? Why do our hearts beat faster for one person against the rest? Why can we forgive someone for sins we cannot forgive others? Why do we love someone and not someone else?

As Pascal put it, "The heart has its reasons which reason cannot know."

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko, 10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung ano pa man.

Minsan mo na akong tinanong kung pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita. Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin. Wala ng iba.

Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.

Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako. Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan ka na.

Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako. Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring kwenta.

Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad mo.

Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang nagbago.

Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na. Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita. Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng paghihirap...

Tama na, tapos na.

Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang sigurado ako.

Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.

You don't know what you're missing...

Sometimes you don't know what you're missing until you reach out to touch it. Sometimes you can't see how beautiful something is until it steps back into the light. And sometimes you miss a love you almost didn't lose...

But when you need beauty, dreams and love the most you find them taken away from you.

And when someone is drifting away from you, you feel it screaming inside your chest. Your heart feels numb and ignorant because the truest of love isn’t easy. It’s the worst thing in the world.

True love breaks you, but you become real.

When you are real and in love you will never be unhappy. You are only unhappy when you deny the truth held in love.

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage

Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite.

It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa guy (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."

Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. Tapos sa huli ikaw pa rin ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other guys, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing people other than you?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya? almost, but not quite.

That sinister voice...

And I went to the phone and asked hello and your voice replied hello.

Your voice... a voice I haven't heard in five months.

I hate that voice.

That evil voice that steals my breath and stops my heart. That sinister voice that brings back the memories and the pain. I heard your voice... and I wanted to die.

I wanted to scream. To hang the phone up and disconnect it so I wouldn't hear your voice coming through the line.

I wanted to rip the phone off the wall...

To throw it away...

Throw the phone and your voice away... Forever.

Now, I hear your voice everywhere I go. I can't escape that voice. That voice that will torture me forever. Your voice will never let me rest. Never let me go. I can never escape your voice.

And what I wouldn't give...

What I wouldn't give to never have to hear your voice anymore. To never have to fear that every time the phone rings it will be you on the other end of the line. What I wouldn't give to never have to fear you anymore.

I would do whatever it takes to escape your voice...

To escape you...

And your voice said good-bye, and as I hung the phone up I wished.

I wished it really would be...

Good-bye...

Bitter and Jaded no more

After any breakup, you do what the average person does...

You sit and question.

You second guess every action.

You think about 'what-if'.

You debate on those words that seem so perfect, and then try to find a way to get them out.

Everyone tries to give you advice, and you love them for it. But, advice really can't be taken until you've reached a realization that what you had for as long as you had it for... is over.

And once you do realize it, the advice doesn't even matter because you fight with yourself... over the fact that there really is no one meant for you. That, it’s just isn't worth trying anymore. That being bitter and jaded may be the best way to live.

But, perhaps the best thing to do is understand.

Well, at least try to understand.

I found myself many times before being bitter and jaded after being broken up with. And, I can sense the feeling that perhaps my ex boyfriends also had those feelings towards me when I decided to call things off.

But, this year has taught me that as good as it is for your heart and mind to try and hold onto to something that is broke, it's not good for your soul.

Alas, it's also not good to just let go, as well.

So, you find yourself battling... trying to see what's the best road to take.

But, perhaps it's the road of understanding that's the best path to take.

Understanding that your heart will mend.

Understanding that they didn't mean to break your heart.

Understanding that tomorrow will come, and with it a reason to smile... a reason to live.

It's hard... you know, to understand. You become full of hatred that it's hard to try to understand someone else's thoughts when it's your own you're trying to deal with. But, in the end it's understanding that makes life worth living.

In understanding, you find a way to fight being bitter... fight being jaded, and most of all... fight all reason that leads you to believe it won't get better.

Because, it will get better.

It has before, and it will again.

Pantasya ng pag-ibig ng isang istupidong ako

Sa buong buhay mo, inakala mo na bang umibig ka? O kaya naramdaman mo ang malaking kabulastugan na tinatawag na "pag-ibig". Masakit di ba? Masalimuot, mahapdi, mabigat...

Ang pag-ibig, isa itong malaking kasinungalingan. Nang ikwento mo sa akin ang love life ng mga kaibigan mo, sinabi ko nga sa iyo na "big joke yun". Kagaya ko, joke ang nagyari sa akin. Madali kang matatamaan ng pana ni Cupido, di lang ng basta pana ang tatama sa iyo, kundi pana na may lason. Pag-ibig na lason sa mundo mo. Nabuksan ang puso ko, nakita ang niloloob ko kaya't madali mo akong ginago. Di lang ginago, pati baligtarin ang mundo ko.

Ilang taon na ring nakatayo ang mga depensa ko laban sa kagaguhang tinawag na pag-ibig. Ani ko sa sarili ko, di ako magpapalamon dito. Di ko pababayaan na bigyan ako ng sugat sa mga kalokohang pag-ibig. Ang pag-ibig, ito ang alamat ng ating henerasyon. Ang alamat na kung saan binibigyan ng pinagmulan ang mga kalokohan ng sangkatauhan.

Agosto noon. Sa isang napakaordinaryong araw, nakita kita. Sa isang istupidong araw, may isang istupidong tao, na walang pinagkaiba sa mga istupidong tao sa paligid ko, ang umupo sa harap ng pinakastupidong tao sa istupidong mundong ito. Siguro nakita na kita bago noon pero noon lang kita napansin. Ang ganda nga ng ngiti mo noon.

Sa unang tingin cute ka. Hindi gwapo, kundi cute. Mataas kasi ang batayan ko ng kagwapuhan. May ideya ka siguro kung gaano kataas, isa ito sa una mong tinanong sa akin, kung sino ang gwapo para sa akin. Para sa akin, isa lang ang gwapo sa buong mundo, isa lang. Kaso di ko nasabi sa iyo, na pangalawa ka sa listahan ko sa mga pinakagwapong lalake sa mundo. Na ikaw na ang pinakamalapit na lalake, kasama ang mga nasa telebisyon at pelikula at supermodel, sa depinisyon ko ng gwapo. Sa Ingles, "you may not be the epitome of beauty itself but you're beautiful nonetheless".

Kaso, malala pa sa tibay ng bato at tigas sa blokeng semento ang depensa ko noon laban sa ideya na ibigin ka. Bakit pa? Isa ka nga sa mga pinakamagandang lalake sa mundo na madalas kong nakikita kung saan saan pero ewan ko kung bakit. Siguro mahiyain ako. Siguro di ko gusto yung mga nasa paligid mo noon. Siguro di lang kita napapansin. Ilang buwan ka ring extra sa pelikula ng buhay ko.

Tapos sa isang napakaordinaryong araw, may malaking kabobohan kang ginawa. Kinausap mo ako. Ibang klase kang kausap, iyon ang kwento ko sa kaibigan ko noon. Ayun na, nawili na akong kausapin ka mula noon. Nagkakilala tayo tapos naging magkaibigan tayo. O baka sa isip ko lang na magkaibigan tayo. Hanggang ngayon pa naman, kung tanungin ako, kaibigan kita. Pero ewan ko kung kaibigan mo pa rin ako.

Tapos naging close tayo. Unang date natin umupo ka sa tabi ko. Di ako nagpahalatang may gusto na ako syo noon. Ibang klase naman kse ang ngiti mo. Kung pwedeng mabuhay ang tao sa ngiti siguro ay doon na ako maninirahan sa mga ngiti mo. Kumain tayo, tapos nag kape sa Starbucks. Nanood tayo ng sine at naglaro sa grocery store na parang mga batang walang pakialam sa mundo.

Doon mo napasok ang katakot-takot na depensa ko. At tanga naman ako, hinayaan kong pasukin mo ang mundo ko. Mula noong unang date natin, hindi na sa akin ang buhay ko. Ibinilang kita sa mundo ko. Binigyan kita ng parte ng buhay ko maski wala ka namang hiningi, ni katiting.

Unti-unti, ikaw ang naging sentro ng buhay ko. Naniwala ako noon sa pag-ibig. Naniwala ako na mahal kita kahit di mo masusuklian ang pagmamahal ko.

Ano pa ba?

Paggising, ikaw. Pagtulog, ikaw. Sa panaginip, ikaw. Ang kasama, ikaw at di na yung barkada ko. Ang palaging kasama, ikaw at mga kaibigan mo. Kapag kasama ko ang barkada, ikaw ang bukambibig ko. Sa mga email sa kaibigan, ikaw. Ang kwento sa kaibigan, ikaw. Ang unang pumapasok sa isip ko, ikaw. Ang dahilan ko para pumasok sa trabaho, ikaw. Ang katext, ikaw. Ang kausap, ikaw.

Dumating sa punto na hindi na ikaw ang sentro ng buhay ko, kundi ikaw ang buhay ko. Ikaw, ikaw, ikaw, ikaw, ikaw... Nawala ako sa malaking ikaw!
Dumating ang panahon ng pasukan mo sa eskwela. Nagsimula doon ang pag-unti ng dalas ng pagkikita natin. Bumihira ang pag-uusap natin. May pinasok kang mga pagkakaabalahan at ako rin. Yung mga dating ginagawa na kasama ka, mag-isa ko nang ginawa. Ewan ko kung tama yung naramdaman ko pero iniwasan mo rin ako. Sa madaling salita, nawala ka sa buhay ko.

Nalulong ako sa kasinungalingan na umiibig ako sa iyo. Napasok ang buhay ko ng kasinungalingan kaya't nilamon ako ng pag-ibig at ako'y natigilan sa kadiliman ng mga kagaguhan ng pag-ibig. Weirdo nga, dahil habang pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong aminin kung gaano kita kamahal ay ganun naman ang pagpapadama mo sa akin na mahal na mahal mo ako, na ako lang sa buhay mo, na wala ng iba, na tayo hanggang sa huli.

Pero ano tayo ngayon. Nasaan ka? Nawala ka din naman. Anlaki ng butas na pupunuin sa pagkawala mo. At tuwing magkakasalubong tayo at umaarte kang di mo ako nakikita, parang may bubog na unti-unti bumabaon sa puso ko.

Masakit. Hindi lang masakit lang sa puso't isipan. Hindi lang basta masakit. Ito yung sakit na pinupunit ang kaluluwa mo, na parang niluluto ang lamang loob mo, na nasusunog ang katawan mo, na dinadaanan ka ng pison, na ginagarote ang utak mo, na nginangata ang sikmura mo ng daga, na hinihiwa ng lagari ang katawan ko, na parang unti-unti kang binabalatan ng icepick.

Ganoon kasakit.

Bakit? Kaya ko lang manghula. Dahil siguro akala ko mahal kita. Siguro dahil nawala ng buo ang buhay ko sa akin. Siguro dahil kagaguhan ang umibig. Siguro dahil nagpaloko ako sa mga kasinungalingan ng buhay ko. Hindi ako sigurado sa mga dahilan pero sigurado ako sa epekto, masakit.

Nakita kita noong isang araw. Nakasuot ka ng pula at nakangiti. "Kamusta na?", ito ang bigkas ng labi ko sa pagsalubong natin. "Mabuti" sabay ngiti, ngiting peke.

Sana nga nasa mabuti kang kalagayan habang ako ay nananakit at pilit na pinupuno ang puwang na naiwan mo sa malaking kalokohan na pinamagatang "Buhay Ko".

Dapat walang bagay na makakagawa niyan. Na kayang kang saktan na kagaya ko. Lalo na ikaw. At maski ang pantasya ng pag-ibig.

Oo, isang pantasya ang pag-ibig.

Letting go is when love hurts the most

Sometimes you sit and think, and you wonder if he can see it in your eyes...

Can he tell you still love him...that there's nothing you would rather think about than the times he held you in his arms...

Can he see the tears? Cause they sure are there...deep down, sure enough, along with the pain and the loneliness that you bury so deep you're sure no one can tell.

Sometimes you would give anything imaginable to be able to make him understand... to have one more chance to make him know how much he meant... to be able to feel complete...

But you smile through it all… you talk like you always used to, the best of friends... and every time he smiles at you a tiny little pang of hope springs up, but you crush it before it can surface, before it can give you away...

...and you hug him good-bye like it's nothing... while all you want to do is hold on forever...

But you let go, smile and walk away... then cry all the way home because you know it will never be the same...

Because try as you might you can't make someone love you, sometimes you have to let them be free...

And letting go, that is when love hurts the most.

Keep The Faith

When we were little, life worked perfectly.

No matter what happened, everything turned out alright in the end. Scraped knees, canceled play dates, dropped ice cream cones --- we would cry for a short time, but by the end of the day, everything would be perfect.

And now as we've grown older, we've lost the faith as we stumble through each day, crying over broken hearts, lost friendships, and lost dreams.

It seems like life and perfection have turned their backs on us, but really its just that we've grown up.

As children we didn't pay attention to such details about our daily lives, but now we are more aware, and little details seem to be amplifying our pain. But just remember that when we were younger, life was hard too, but we had faith in perfection because we could look past faults.

So don't lose your faith.

Learn to know that each day will pass, each heartache will be mended, and everything will be perfect in the end.

Just keep your faith.

Ingat, tanga ka pa naman

Before, hinahabol kita pero di mo ako pinapansin. Tapos isang araw nawala ako, hinanap mo ako at tinanong, "Bakit ka nagsawa?"

Ngumiti ako, "Hindi ako nagsawa. Natauhan lang."

Pwede mo kong lokohin pero wag kang magpapahuli sakin. Pwede mo kong palitan pero siguraduhin mong mas mahal mo siya sakin. Pwede mo kong iwan pero siguraduhin mong kaya mo. Kasi pag ako sobrang nasaktan, wala ka nang babalikan.

Boys? Pare-pareho lang yang mga yan. Pag trip ka, magpapakilala. Kaibigan kuno hanggang pumorma na. Tapos pag nahulog ka na, ayun, goodbye na dahil sawa na sila. Pero dapat walang iiyak at smile lang tayo. Punyeta, anong silbi ng karma?

I fell in love and got hurt but I didn't shed too much tears nor did I ask him to love me again. Instead, I stood up proudly and said, "Mahilig ka pala sa magsasaka, hindi mo sinabi kagad!"

Simple lang para hindi ka masaktan. Kapag minahal ka, mahalin mo din. Kapag ginago ka, gaguhin mo rin. Pero kapag umiyak ka, tanga ka! Ginago ka na nga, iiyakan mo pa?

Pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo, wag mo siyang sisihin! Kausapin mo siya ng harap-harapan at sabihin mong, "Ingat, tanga ka pa naman!"

Masakit pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo. Pero wag kang magagalit ng husto. Kahit papano may pinagsamahan naman kayo, diba? Kaya for the last time yakapin mo siya at ibulong mo, "Gago, kukulamin kita!"

If the one you love doesn't love you back, don't get depressed. Just think about it for a while, maybe cry a bit then wipe your tears and say, "Ang weird naman niya. Bakit ayaw nya sa gwapo?!"

You only got one life so live it well... one heart so take good care, one soul so keep it pure. One boyfriend? What a waste! Make it two or more!

Sayang naman ang kagwapuhan natin! Pag sinabi sayo ng mahal mo na ayaw na niya sayo, hayaan mo lang. Wag kang iiyak at magpapakagago! Imbis na iyakan mo siya, ngitian mo lang at sabihin mo ang ganito, "So, pano? Bye na! Naghihintay na ang kapalit mo!"

Who cares about break-ups?

Oo nga, masakit. Makirot sa puso.

Pero tandaan mo: a break-up isn't only an end to a relationship. It's also a beginning of a new one and an end to a living hell called "ex".

Perfectly Unperfect Heart

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen.

The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared - how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you.

You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love. I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart. But, because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared.

Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges - giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people, I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting.

So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.

The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his.

Pretty Much Screwed

I saw him the other day for the first time in months.

I mean, I've seen him recently, but today I really saw him --- me looking at him, him looking at me, right in the eyes and straight to the heart.

And I could feel it, I could feel him, and it was amazing.

It's there between us... I just wish he wasn't too afraid to see it.

I guess I should have said something, anything.

I mean for a guy who wants to be a writer, it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written.

When someone tells you that they somehow stopped missing you, you're pretty much screwed no matter what you say.

See, but there had to be something right? Something that no one had ever said in the history of the world, something that could change this.

And, "Hi. How are you doin'?"

That wasn't it.

Damn.

Don't keep score... love isn't a contest

Sometimes, love dies. And there is no easy explanation for it.
Some of us see it coming. Some of us don’t. But most of us try not to see it at all. Because it is easier to pretend that all is well rather than admit that your dreams have been shattered and that you are left only with the broken pieces of your heart.

It hurts to imagine the person we love with someone else. It hurts to no longer be the object of his/her affections. It hurts to be no longer the center of his/her universe. It hurts to no longer be wanted. It hurts to be discarded, replaced and dumped unceremoniously like an old rag that has outlived its usefulness.

It hurts to no longer be loved.

But it happens everyday to the best of us, to the beautiful, the kind, the talented, the smart, the successful, the multi-awarded.

It happens to the perfect wife, sister, friend and mother. It happens to the civic leader, the CEO, the cover girl.

Whether or not it’s something we did or didn’t do, sometimes, love just dies. And over thinking would serve no purpose.

To be loved is a blessing. But to no longer be loved is not necessarily a tragedy.

We’ve been raised since childhood to believe that love must last forever. And perhaps it must. But isn’t it possible to simply be happy for the love you have no matter if it doesn’t last forever?
Isn’t it possible to simply savor the moment and become richer by it without wanting to possess it forever?

Isn’t it possible to love and let go and love again?

Isn’t it possible to love forever but to love different people over time?

It’s all right to no longer be loved. It’s all right to stop loving. It’s all right to mourn for loves losses but to condemn yourself to a life of misery because your love didn’t last forever is foolhardy.

If love must die, let it go peacefully into the night.

But don’t keep score.

Love is not a contest.

It is not a competition to see who emerges the prettiest, the craftiest or toughest. Love is what it is --- a gift.

It cannot be forced on anyone. Neither can it be forced out of anyone.

So let it be.

When love dies, hold on to the memories. But let go of the one you love.

Life sucks, then you die

We're all trapped.

Each of us is stuck being who we are. Sometimes we fight to change ourselves, but ultimately this has little effect. We can change what we do, but we cannot change who we are.

If you're a happy person, you don't feel trapped.

If you're surrounded by people who you love and who love you… if you can do what you want to do in life… if you are at peace with who you are why would you ever feel trapped? You wouldn't want to change yourself; you wouldn't need to try.

If you're a happy person, hey, you got lucky! Go back to the previous page, you'll find nothing of interest here.

I am not a happy person.

Well, I used to be. There are days when I am a happy person, but today is not one of those days. Maybe you're not either. Maybe you're too fat, or too thin, too old, or too young. Maybe you're ugly and nobody wants to sleep with you. Maybe everyone wants to sleep with you, but nobody loves you and it's all meaningless. Maybe your body is fucked up and you're in pain all the time. Maybe your mind is fucked up and you're in pain all the time.

So you struggle with all these problems year after year, and you're getting nowhere, and you wonder if anything will ever change. And the unavoidable reality of it all is that, for you, life sucks.

But of course you're not going to give up so easily, you're going to keep struggling to solve your problems, to change yourself, to find happiness, wherever it is, whatever it is.

But still, life sucks.

And you see all these people out there who are blissfully free of your problems, and if they can do it, there must be some way for you to as well.

But they aren't doing you any good at all, they don't understand what it's like being you, and what good would it do you if they did understand?

So, the forces which created you, random or otherwise, have spoken.

And they've determined that, for you..

Well, life sucks.

Napakasuwerte mo naman palang nilalang...

Ikaw.

Oo, ikaw nga!

Napakasuwerte mo sa lahat ng mga taong nagpakatanga at nagpapakatanga sayo! Naisip mo na ba kung ilang dagat na ang pwedeng mabuo mula sa mga luhang tumulo dahil sayo? Masarap ba ang pakiramdam ng iniiyakan kahit buhay ka pa?!
Masaya?!

Ilang tanga na ba ang naliwanagan dahil dumating ka sa buhay nila? Ilang henyo na ba ang nabobo sa kaiisip sayo? ilang bochog na ba ang nangayayat sa kakahabol sayo? ilang patpatin na ba ang nakabuhat ng grand piano dahil minahal ka nila?

Nakakatawang isipin at pagtanda siguro natin mahirap paniwalaan, na minsan sa buhay ng batang iyon, ikaw ang naging tampok ng kanyang mga pangarap.

Minsan naman sadyang dumadating sa mga relasyon yung pagkakataon na kailangang bumitaw o mabitawan, makasakit o masaktan. Malas mo na nga lang kung ikaw yung iniwan pero hindi eh. Talagang masuwerte ka kasi ikaw yung nang-iwan. Pero kahit ganoon na nga ang papel mo, lalabas ka pa ring bida at dakila kasi sasabihin ng mokong na to, Hindi ko siya masisisi. Akonaman talaga ang may kasalanan.

Ayos!

Ilang utak na ba ang binabagabag mo gabi-gabi? Ilang nilalang na ang hindi nakakatulog sakaiisip sayo? Ilang mga mata na ang parang namagang fishball sa umaga dahil sa magdamag napag-iyak sa alaala mo?

Alam mo ba na para kang bubblegum sa bumbunan nung taong mahal na mahal ka? Pilit na kinukutkot pero sa huli malagkit pa rin. Para kang mantika sa platong hindi maalis-alis kahit nakalimang banlaw na lalo na kung walang Joy Ultra Calamansi. Para kang monthly period na after three days akala wala na pero may taghabol pa pala.

Isa man yan, o isang barkada, maswerte ka pa rin. Hindi ba nakakataba ng puso ang malamang may isang nilalang na iinom ng isang shot ng nana at isang kilong taba para lang sayo? Na kahitlasunin mo ng racumin, para pa ring tutang susunod sayo.

Kung ganon pwede ka nang lumundag mula sa Eiffel Tower at makakasigurado kang sa langit pa rin ang bagsak mo dahil may isang nilalang na makikipagbargain kay satanas para sa kaluluwa mo.

Sabihin mo nang hindi ka naman ganon; nainiiwan ka rin at nasasaktan; na hindi moginustong magpakapraning sila sayo; na hindi ka ganon kalupit at karahas; na may puso ka ringmamon.

Pero wala kang magagawa.

Wala akong magagawa.

Wala silang magagawa.

MAHAL KITA EH...THAT'S LIFE!!