Midnight Thoughts

You cannot die of grief, though it feels as if you can.

A heart does not actually break, though sometimes your chest aches as if it is breaking. Grief dims with time. It is the way of things. There comes a day when you smile again, and you feel like a traitor.

How dare I feel happy.

How dare I be glad in a world where my ex-boyfriend is no more.

And then you cry fresh tears, because you do not miss him as much as you once did, and giving up your grief is another kind of death.

It’s a whole new kind of death…

And afterwards… if you’re lucky enough to survive, you learn to live and love again.

Happy but Wrong? or Right but Sad?

Isa na namang text message ang natanggap ko galing sa isang kaibigan. Ang sabi sa message: “If you were to make the biggest decision of your life, what would you rather be? Happy but wrong? or right but sad?”

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko makita ang sense ng message na ito pero dahil nagtanong sya, sasagutin ko na lang din. Apat lang naman ang salitang napapaloob sa tanong --- happy, sad, right at wrong. Kung tutuusin dapat ay madali mo lang masasagot ito lalo na kung kilala mo ang iyong sarili. Pero bago ko ibigay ang aking opinion, subukan muna nating i-define ang apat na salitang ginamit ng nagtanong base sa kung paano ito inilarawan ni Merriam Webster.

Right: acting in accord with divine or moral law: free from guilt or sin

Wrong: an injurious, unfair, or unjust act, action or conduct inflicting harm without due provocation or just cause. A violation or invasion of the legal rights of another.

Happy: enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment

Sad: affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness: downcast

Ngayong alam na natin ang ibig sabihin ng mga salita, paano mo sasagutin ang tanong? Pipiliin mo bang maging mali pero masaya ka naman o mas pipilin mo na lang na gawin ang tama kahit ang kapalit nito ay ang iyong kalungkutan?

Nag iisip ka pa rin? Hindi mo pa din alam?

Kung ako ang iyong tatanungin, sa kahit ano pa mang sitwasyon, sa kahit ano pa mang panahon, at sa kahit sino pa man ang kasangkot, lagi at paulit ulit ko pa ring gagawin kung ano ang sa palagay ko ay tama. Subalit, hindi ako sumasang ayon na ito ay magdudulot sa akin ng kalungkutan.

.

Una, naniniwala ako na sa paggawa lamang ng tama o sa tingin natin ay tama, ang natatangi at tiyak na makapagbibigay sa atin ng saya. Paanong magiging masaya ang isang tao kung alam nya na gumawa sya ng masama sa iba man o sa kanyang sarili? Take note, ang sabi ko ay kung alam nya na masama ang kanyang ginawa sa sarili man o sa kapwa. Labas dito kung ang desisyng iyon ay nakasakit sa kanya o sa iba.

Bakit kamo?

Dahil hindi naman natin kontrolado ang mararamdaman ng iba. Kung tayo ay mag desisyon at sa huli ay makasakit, hindi natin ito ginawa para intensyonal na makasakit ng iba. Ang sakit na kanilang naramdaman ay ang reaksyon nila sa kung ano mang bagay ang nasabi o nangyari. Halimbawa, nakipaghiwalay ka sa iyong syota. Nasaktan sya at nagalit dahil para sa kanya ay hindi sapat ang iyong dahilan. Kung nakipaghiwalay ka dahil iyon ang alam mong tama para sa inyong dalawa, naging masama ka na bang tao dahil sya ay nasakatan? Noong magdesisyon ka bang makipaghiwalay, ano sa dalawang tanong na ito ang iyong sinagot? Una, ano kaya ang mas makabubuti para sa aming relasyon? o Paano ko ba masasaktan ang taong ito, gusto ko talaga sya makitang umiyak? Hindi ba’t malimit ay ang unang tanong naman ang ating sinasagot. Bibihira lang naman siguro ang taong gigising sa umaga at magtatanong ng, paano kaya ako makakasakit ng tao ngayon o paano ko kaya sasaktan ang aking sarili? Hindi ba’t magiging masaya pa rin tayo dahil alam natin, sa kaibuturan ng ating mga puso na tama ang ating ginawang desisyon.

Kung ang isang bagay ay alam nating mali subalit atin pa ding ginawa, sa tingin mo ba ito’y makakapagpasaya sa atin? Na ito’y tunay na makakapagpasaya sa atin? Totoo kayang pwede maging “wrong but happy” ang isang tao? Kung alam mong masama ang pumatay at pumatay ka ng iyong kaibigan, magiging masaya ka kaya? Kung lumaki ka na alam mong mali ang hindi gumalang sa matatanda, ang pambabastos mo kaya ay magdudulot sa iyo ng kasiyahan? Kung alam mong masama mag droga pero ginawa mo pa din, kung alam mong masama magnakaw pero kumuha ka ng gamit ng iba, kung alam mong masama manloko pero nagtaksil ka sa iyong kasintahan, kung alam mong masama ang hindi magsabi ng totoo pero nagsinungaling ka sa iyong mga magulang, magiging masaya ka kaya?

Ikaw lang ang makasasagot sa mga tanong na iyan.

Ang alam ko, sabi nila, kung ano ang bawal yun ang masarap. Take note, masarap pero hindi naman masaya. Maaaring habang ginagawa mo ang isang bagay na mali o bawal ay nasasarapan ka pero sa huli hindi ibig sabihin nito na mkapagdudulot din ito sa iyo ng saya.

Huwag nating lokohin ang ating mga sarili. Huwag nating bigyan ng justification ang lahat para lamang magawa natin ang mga bagay na sa una pa lang ay alam na nating mali. Huwag sana nating gamiting dahilan ang sayang maibibigay sa atin ng paggawa ng hindi wasto sa kapwa at sa sarili.

Kung kaya’t hindi ako naniniwalang may taong “right but sad”. Para sa akin, wala itong kabuluhan sapagkat ang taong gumagawa ng tama ay parating masaya, Maaaring malungkot sya pansamantala dahil nasaktan sya o nakasakit pero sa huli’y saya pa rin ang idudulot ng paggawa ng tama. Halimbawa, nakipagrelasyon ka sa may asawa na, napag isip isip mong mali ang iyong ginagawa kaya’t pinili mo na lang na makipaghiwalay. Natural na masakatan ka, pero dahil sa alam mong tama ang iyong ginawa, hindi ba’t sa huli ay magiging masaya ka din? Ito sana ang nais kong maintindihan mo, ang mga taong nasasaktan ay hindi naman ibig sabihing hindi masaya. Ang isang taong nahihirapan ay hindi ibig sabihing malungkot.

Pero hindi ba’t may nagsabi din na happiness daw is a choice. Tama naman. May punto ang nagsabi noon. Pero hindi bat loneliness is a choice din. Kung gayon pwede kang maging right but happy o di kaya’y right but sad. Pwede ka ding maging wrong but happy o di kaya’y wrong but sad ayon sa paniniwala mo.

Samakatuwid, kung ang tanong ay ganito, ano ang gagawin mo, yung tama o yung mali? Hindi ba’t mas madaling sagutin, syempre yung tama. Pero kapag nadagdagan na ng kung ano ang pwedeng idulot nito sa atin gaya ng kasiyahan o kalungkutan, mas mahirap na dahil wala namang ni isa sa atin na gustong maging malungkot.

Ang paggawa ng tama, mali man sa mata ng iba ay tama pa rin. Ang paggawa ng tama magdulot man ng sakit sa sarili o sa iba ay tama pa din. Sa huli, pagbali-baliktarin mo man ang mundo, subukan mo mang ibalik ang panahon, o di kaya’y itigil ang oras, ang tamang iyong nagawa kahapon ay tama pa din ngayon at tama pa din bukas.

Ikaw, “If you were to make the biggest decision of your life, what would you rather be? Happy but wrong? or right but sad?”

It's that time of year again... my birthday.

It's that time of year again, when I age a little more.
It's that time of year again, when I learn a snippet more.
It's that time of year again, when I mature a tad more.
It's that time of year again, when I appreciate a touch more.
It's that time of year again.

My birthday.

When I was younger, like any other child, I regarded birthdays as “the festival of the year”. I loved birthdays. It meant I could demand for presents from my parents. It meant cake and ice cream. It meant special treatment and my favourite food served for meals. I was a child and I was blissful.

Then I grew up.

Over the years, it seemed as though the value of my birthday, and birthdays in general, had diminished somewhat. I rarely received birthday presents from my friends as I progressed in high school, except for some gifts from a few best friends.

But on a lighter note ---- I guess to be fair --- God made my college days different as I received more gifts than I could ever wish for. I think I have developed some of the best friendships during that phase of my life. After I graduated from college and started working at People Support, I was fortunate enough to have been blessed with the opportunity to meet some wonderful souls --- people who made me feel special each year. My birthdays in People Support were awesome. My friends never fail to surprise me year after year after year.

But I’m not in People Support anymore. I am not in La Salle anymore. I don’t really expect much this year. I have prepared myself for the worst birthday ever. No presents, no cakes, no ice cream, no celebration. Don’t get me wrong though. I still expect to receive presents from my parents and brothers but only because they never missed to give me one every single year. I also have a handful of friends from outside the company whom I know will still surprise me with something unusual... those I look forward to. But other than that, I expected nothing else this year... not from the company I work for... not from my officemates.

If I was still the child I had been 15 years ago, I’d have thrown an emotional tantrum involving generous episodes of dramatic kicking and screaming and threats to jump out of the window. No birthday cake on such a glorious day? Blasphemy!

But I didn’t.

I realized it was because I simply stopped caring. There were a few consecutive years in the past, in which really horrible things happened on my birthday, or a few days before it. I spent my birthdays feeling miserable, wishing fervently that I had been blessed with a boring, ordinary day for my birthday instead. When you are put into situations which make you cry really badly all day, you actually don’t think about presents and celebrations. You’d give anything to be able to live a normal, routine day.

Which was exactly how I felt. It no longer mattered to me if nobody cared, if nobody remembered except my family and close friends. All I wanted was a normal, peaceful day and I’d be happy for another year.

No birthday cake? Not a problem, I’d just buy myself a slice of cake and eat it. No greetings? Well, who cares, they’re all busy people anyway, and it’s no different than wishing someone “good morning” every morning, except people only wish you “happy birthday” once a year.

My birthday was just a date to me, nothing more than a mechanical reminder that I had passed another milestone in life.

I was fine, and I was genuinely happy. I didn’t need anyone to remember, which was why I always tried to conceal my date of birth whenever anyone asked. I didn’t want people to make a fuss; I didn’t want them to go through any trouble just for me.

Today, Reich, Royce, Chester, Kei, Harlie, Reg, Tatty, LJ, Mac, AC, Pedz, Stlz, Bash, Wendell, Tyrone, Rowell, Mae, Pao, Russell, Vok, my whole Care Family, the entire Care FSS and the rest of my friends in management and support staff surprised me with a birthday cake when we were having dinner at the 31st floor pantry of PBCOM. Chester and I were singing “Just Once” --- part of the Customer Service week celebration --- when all of them showed up with a cake.

I stared at it for a while and the first thing I said was “Chester’s birthday?”

It was obviously not one of my more brilliant moments.

For the strangest reason I thought the cake was for my friend Chester who celebrated his birthday 6 days ago.

They all looked as though I had snorted green tea out of my nose.

“YOUR CAKE!”

Oh my. I honestly did not expect that. At that very moment I was looking at the most beautiful cake in the world, because it was a thoughtful gesture of sincerity and kindness in the spirit of friendship.

I have always suspected that I’ve grown up too quickly for my age, but today, when you guys went out of your way to get me a cake, when you had to relight the candle 10 thousand times because the air-conditioning kept on putting the flame out, when you guys took one million photos of me looking absolutely retarded, when you guys dictated how I should make my wish, when you made me remove the candle from the cake using my mouth, when we camwhored, when Chester had to slice the cake for me because I was such a noob at cutting cakes, when we shared the cake and laughed, when we had fun, I became a child again.

I was once again the child who loved and glorified birthdays. I was once again the little boy who squealed at the sight of cake. I was once again the kid who enjoyed birthdays.

Thank you for making my birthday meaningful again.

I love you guys.

Desisyon mo yan diba... edi panindigan mo...

When you don't have anyone telling you what to do anymore, sometimes you don't know then what you should do. It seems so much easier to have people make decisions for you. Clean your room, do the laundry, do the dishes, mow the lawn, chop down a tree, etc. Even little things like what you can and cannot eat, what you are going to wear, and that yes, you are going to school.

When you're a kid, your parents make those decisions for you. They tell you what you can and can't watch on TV, what time you're going to get your hair cut, and how many gerbils are too many. When you're a kid, you don't make many decisions for yourself.

Decisions.

Making decisions is a sign of power. You're the one who makes the decisions. What power there is in that. Power is great, isn't it? Power is fun, you get to do whatever you want when you make all the decisions, right? Well, with power comes responsibility.

Responsibility.

You're responsible for the decisions you make. Every decision made carries with it an effect, a consequence. No punishments, no rewards, just consequences. Punishments and rewards are effects that occur outside of the decision-making process. You can have them or not, it doesn't matter. You can't get rid of consequences. Sure, you can put a spear point on your your baseball bat and try to get it through that stop sign. Go ahead. Too bad about that little girl. How's jail? You don't have to make any decisions anymore, at least. Easy.

Sometimes, with a lot of power, therefore a lot of responsibility, there comes a lot of stress. Hell, not sometimes, always. There's always stress attached to responsibility. There's stress in the immediate decisions, like do I try to make this yellow light before that truck comes through (whew, that was close!) and stress in the long-term.

Your decisions can either build you up or wear you down. Every adult human is in complete control of themselves. That's how it works, when you're living as an adult. Sometimes, adults don't want that much control, and give some to someone else. A spouse, parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, teacher, neighbor, cab driver, etc. A guy who sees a beautiful women in a restaurant and goes over to her, scared as hell that she's not going to like him, is giving over power over himself. He's not making the decisions anymore. She's in charge of his happiness.

Happiness.

Stress doesn't promote happiness, as far as we know. (quite far) Stress stresses us. Like the tension cables on a suspension bridge, constantly being pulled in three directions, stress stretches and pulls on us, and too much of it can make us snap, or fail. Less stress lets us relax a bit, and be more comfortable. Being comfortable makes us happy.

That's why we love that disgusting old leather couch in our grandpa's basement more than the new abstract artpiece with a funky name from IKEA. That's what we want from our friends. We want people that we can be completely comfortable with. That's what we want from ourselves. We want to be comfortable with ourselves.

Making good decisions tells you that you're doing the right thing. Your power isn't wasted. The more good decisions that you make, the more comfortable you are with yourself. If you're not the one making the right decisions, how can you take the credit for them? How can you be pleased with them?

Making decisions tells you that you're an adult.

You're alive.

You're responsible.

You have power.

You are in charge.

You are. --- Not your mom, not your boyfriend, not your dog. Okay, maybe your dog is in charge, but you know what? He learned it from you.

Take charge. You make tomorrow happen.

You're needed.

Don't screw it up.

I Love You Dee

I Love You.

I look at those words and they deflate me. Eight letters (well, seven technically, because you use the "o" twice). Just three simple words are supposed to make you understand how I feel for you. Eskimos have 50 billion words for snow, and yet I'm supposed to say "I Love You," a phrase that can mean a billion different things.

I learned to say those words before I could even form a complete sentence! Through the years I've said them to a lot of people and each time it's meant something different. I've said it to relatives as a way to goodbye. I've said it to friends as a way to say, hey man you're funny and cool. I even said it to the lady at the bank when I got my first credit card.

So why is some generic phrase such as "I Love You" the best they've come up with for expressing your most personal and deepest feelings to the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with? Maybe because it fits on those little candy hearts...

Well, guess what? You mean more than just those eight letters to me. You mean more than any words can describe.

I wish you could feel my emotions, because "I Love You" just doesn't describe the way I feel about you. You should wear my soul like a wetsuit and experience the tingling that occurs under my skin while I sit in my station and daydream of you. Or maybe you could be there as my brain cranks up each morning (technically afternoon, since we both work graveyard) and rolls the first two products off its assembly line; your name and my smile.

You should be able to undergo the explosions of happiness that shoot from my eyeballs when I talk to you and about you. And you need to experience how my heart becomes saturated with orgasms when I know I've made you happy, or feel what it's like to throw up a rainbow just by realizing that you exist.

I will always tell you "I Love You," even though I'll never think the words mean enough. But, just remember that when I say it to you, it means something exclusive, shared only between me and you. And feelings that only you can generate will ride on the words and fill up my soul every time I say it.

Now, and forever, whether I'm saying it as goodbye, or because I think you're funny and cool, or even because you gave me my first credit card, "I Love You" today and "I Love You" tonight and "I Love You" tomorrow. "I Love You" this week, this month, this year....

Forever.

I have never loved anyone before you. I know that to be true, because nobody has ever made me feel what you make me feel. I know we are meant to be together and I will do everything possible to make that happen.

I Love You Dee.

Another year, another heck of a ride...

For the past year, I am thankful...

For my boyfriend who says it's pizza and DVD tonight, because he is home with me, not with someone else.

For my boyfriend who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

For myself who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means I am at home, not on the streets.

For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.

For the mess to clean up after a party, because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm.

For the lady behind me in church that sings off key, because it means that I can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive.

And finally...

For too much e-mail, text messages, phone calls, friend requests in Friendster and multiply, testimonials, comments on my blogs, pictures, videos and posts, and invites on coffee, movies, dates and SEBs because it means I am being appreciated by people...

May this year be as wacky if not better than last year...

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Did you ever?

Did you ever meet someone and have them totally change your life?

That every thought you ever had about life and yourself was changed... the way you look at life and people and even breathe.

It's like all that time you were hiding inside yourself till that person came into your life and suddenly everything was different.

But even though they changed the way you looked and felt about things, they made you perhaps a little more cynical and untrusting of the world.

And somehow it has to be learned that it's possible to trust again.

And not everyone is going to stare you in the face and lie to you. But it's learning that, that's the hard part.

It's not going to happen in a day... a week, or a month, but pretty soon you'll begin to realize that not everyone is going to hurt you.

And that's when you're happy.

I USED TO...

Life is about how you feel.

That's it.

It's really the only sense we have that matters. It's the only reason we're here. How we feel… and what caused it.

I used to feel too, but all I felt was pain. Happiness was unfamiliar… joy was just an idea… laughter was unknown.

And now?

Now I don't feel anymore. I don't think anymore. And the only reason I can come up with is that my heart just couldn't feel the pain any longer so it gave up. It became immune to the feeling.

I used to feel too… up until I died inside.

Only That Moon

Sometimes I feel like there is a hole inside me... An emptiness that, at times, seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.

And the moon in Makati tonight: there's a circle around it --- a sign of trouble not far behind.

I have this dream of being whole... Of not going to sleep each night wanting, but still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.

I just want someone to love me.

I want to be seen.

I don't know...

Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it, but there is no man...

Only that moon.

I will treasure this for as long as I get an erection

After dinner, we went home... together... holding hands...

I was looking up at the night sky, and I could see everything… the stars… planets… galaxies… and I felt so small… Like a tiny speck that is here for only one moment in time, and then gone…

And while I’m here, I want to be with him and the people I love, because, when I’m with you guys, I don't feel that small... that's what I learned.

Am I in love?

Yes love... For this in the end is what we have. The love of something...

There is much to love, and that love is what we are left with... We can never let the world take our memories of love away, and if there are no memories, we must invent love all over again...

The wheel turns. Blue above, green below, we wander a long way, but love is what the cup of our soul contains when we leave the world and the flesh.

But then he has to go... The clock says its 9pm.

He gave me a silent look and bid goodbye... "You still have work at 12, I won’t keep you so you could rest. Text me okay?"

I just grinned and said to myself, "Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss... But every once in awhile you find someone who's iridescent, and when you do, nothing will ever compare…”

I accompanied him to the gate, waved at him and watch him closely as he disappeared in oblivion...

I just hope he knew...

Nothing compares to him...

Ang kwento ko ay malamang kwento mo rin…

Kung papipiliin ka, ikaw ba ay isang mabuting tao na paminsan-minsan ay nakakagawa ng masama, o isang masamang tao na paminsan-minsan ay nakakagawa ng mabuti?

Ako?

Yung pangalawa ang sagot ko. Kasi pag ang tingin ko sa sarili ko ay mabuti, malulungkot lang ako tuwing makakagawa ako ng masama. Pero pag ang tingin ko sa sarili ko ay masama, matutuwa ako tuwing makakagawa ng mabuti sa ibang tao.

At maganda yun dahil sawa na akong malungkot.

Kailangan ba talagang isaalang-alang ang ibang tao bago mo masabing dapat ka ngang maging masaya? Hindi ka ba pwedeng maging masaya, dahil lang gusto mong maging masaya?

Bakit maraming taong mahilig makialam sa kaligayahan ng iba? Malamang dahil iniisip nilang wala kang karapatang maging masaya. Pero mas malamang na wala kasing nagpapasaya sa buhay nila.

Mas napapasaya ka ba ng sarili mo? O ng ibang tao? Masama ba kung masaya ka sa buhay dahil sa mga nagawa mo para sa sarili mo, at hindi dahil sa mga nagawa mo para sa ibang tao at mga nagawa ng ibang tao para sa iyo?

Hindi siguro masama, pero malungkot. Na lalong nagpapagulo sa usapan. Isipin mo, malulungkot ka dahil ikaw lang ang nagpapasaya sa iyo?

Babalikan mo ang mga bagay na bumuo ng mga araw mo sa loob ng maraming taon. Naging masaya ka nga ba? O niloko mo lang ang sarili mo na masaya ka?

Kung kailangan mo pang kumbinsihin ang sarili mo na dapat ka ngang maging masaya, paano mo masasabing masaya ka nga?

Kaya naman sisimulan mo ang paghahanap ng kaligayahan. Ikaw ay hihiling, maghihintay, aasa at mabibigo.

Paulit-ulit.

Ayos lang sa iyo. Tutal, pangako mo, kapag nahanap mo na ang hinahanap mo, magiging masaya ka na 'di ba?

Ang mahirap maintindihan, bakit kapag nasa harap mo na ang isang bagay na maaaring magpasaya sa iyo, saka ka naman magtatanong, "Ano ba ang nagawa ko, bakit dumating sa buhay ko ang magandang bagay na ito?" Maiisip mong hindi ka karapat-dapat, kaya't ikaw ay lalayo at muling maghahanap.

Ano nga ba ang hinahanap mo? Hindi mo ba napapansin na may mga bagay hindi hinahanap pero kusang nagagawi sa landas mo?

Kailan mo kaya maiisip na hindi mo kailangang maging espesyal na tao para dumating ang isang magandang bagay na babago sa iyo?

Para iyon sa iyo, dahil ikaw ay ikaw. Hindi na kailangan ng dahilan. Bawat isa ay nararapat lang na maging masaya.
Sa halip tuloy na masaya ka na, pinalulungkot mo ang sarili mo sa pag-iisip kung paano ka nga ba sasaya.

May sense naman diba?

So masaya ka na ba talaga?

Half-Empty? Or Half-Full?

I've been told a zillion times that there are two ways of looking at things. Is the glass half-empty or half-full? I'm usually guilty of the former until recently when a girl named Aurora taught me that even if the glass is broken, it's just, well, glass.

I met Aurora very recently when I visited DLSU Medical Center in Dasmariñas to get some documents I needed for my US Visa application. I graduated as a PT at La Salle and took my licensure board exam in August of 2003. Upon arriving at the rehabilitation Department, I immediately noticed the pretty girl with pronounced facial paralysis. I asked my former clinical supervisor if she could let me assist in treating her for the day.

Upon looking at her clinical records, Aurora was diagnosed to have Bell's palsy. Bell's is defined as an acute, idiopathic, commonly unilateral, peripheral facial paralysis. Its cause is still unclear, and its development isn't well understood. But many doctors believe that a viral infection can cause the facial nerve to become swollen and injured. And while a mild case of Bell's palsy normally disappears within a month, recovery from a case involving total paralysis varies.

As for Aurora, the damage of her facial nerve was severe and would be irreversible.

Aurora was a former beauty title holder. She came from a prominent family and had a great life ahead of her. One morning, she felt numbness on the left side of her face accompanied by a buzzing sound in her ear. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Aurora's treatment involved a lot of facial exercises that includes movement of her eyes, nose, lips and tongue. It's amazing how she's able to smile after every exercise.

During the session, she asked me why I wanted to go abroad when our country needs medical skills. I was silent for a while. All of a sudden the thought of leaving the country came out like a bitter pill.

I reasoned that I needed to earn more money for the security of my family and for the realization of my dreams. After my explanation, she paused and smiled, "Our family have all the money, but even wealth can't make me smile normally again."

I looked at her and all of a sudden I felt small and embarrassed.

This was the response of a girl who was told by medical experts that she can never recover back to normal. Her queenly smile will forever be gone.

Shame, shame on me.

Problems can easily cloud our smiles. The colorful murals can all of a sudden transform to black and white canvasses. But in the middle of everything bad that happens, there lies opportunities. And our eyes should never be too tear-filled to see them. I guess, for people like Aurora, life will always be half-full.

My life is made up of years that mean nothing, and a moment with Aurora that meant it all.

Unhappily Happy

Happiness does not depend on whether or not you always get your way. However, when you do choose happiness, events will more often go your way.

You do not need to accumulate a lot of things before you can be happy. Yet when you are happy, you'll open yourself up to all kinds of new abundance.

Happiness is not something that you can obtain by taking it from others. On the contrary, the more that happiness flows out from you, the more of it you will enjoy. If you limit your happiness only to certain specific situations or conditions, it will almost always elude you. Yet when you seek to bring happiness to every situation, it will be your constant companion.

Happiness is not the exclusive experience of just a lucky few. It is always there for anyone who is sincere and open enough to choose it.

Happiness is always there to choose, in any place, at any time, under a whole wide range of conditions.

Give happiness to the moments of life, and you will surely know it well.

Turning Point

You’re off the hook.

I’ve never really put much faith in all that “if you love someone, set them free” crap, as evidenced by everything I’ve done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy.

Happy in this life.

And I love you. I mean, I always –--- I have always, always loved you.

But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man’s friend.

So I have to get right with that and be happy now.

Because this is it.

I mean, this is all that we get...

I also want for you to be happy. It’s really important for me that you be happy. I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself.

I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I’m with you.

So I guess the point to this long, run on sentence that’s been the last ten years of our lives... is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me.