Saan na nakakabili ng closure?

I have come to realize that everyone has been unfortunate enough to have had their hearts tortured at least once... and as for the ones who haven't... well I don't like them. They're so strange... and happy... I don't like those people.

They couldn't begin to understand what heartache feels like... and I don't just mean a lover's pain.

A heart can be wrung by one's own family and friends. A pet's death could do the same... But those people who have never experienced any pain are so strange. They make me unbelievably uncomfortable.

They pity me.

Why? I can't make use of their pity.

With the exception of those few strange people, all the others have their own deeply buried bruises and gashes... As time passes... The hurt heals enough to be discussed sans emotion, but if the tormentor returns, they needn't even so much as breathe to rip open the old wounds...

A good song can gently prod at the deepest stashed hurt, generate misty eyes and a few misplaced tears... An even better song will create the same effect without the realization of why it hurts... But nothing will have the same effect as the return of the Tormentor.

The death of a loved one creates the deepest hurt, with scattered scratches inside the ragged cuts, within the torn gashes, which cover the entire surface of twisted, mutilated mass that was once labeled as a heart. Of course, this... thing... may never heal... I wouldn't know because I fortunately have been spared from that form of attack to the heart...

But people do move on....

Their hearts are resilient, and they reconstruct a new one...

Some are reconstructed weakly... These people don't last very long. Others are reconstructed with the extra strength to withstand a second blow... These find it difficult to love again. Still, others will use the help of another heart, or more, to become reconstructed just as before.

I have given my heart in such a way to someone in need, with no regrets, because he is now healing, and my heart is still the same as it was before... I have had a heartache. I suppose that in a disgustingly twisted way, I am greatful for having had the experience, because I would rather be as I am now, than be among the strangely ecstatic...

Somehow, though, I do believe that I could have made do solely with the hurt that my family brings. Most of us have family issues which make us "normal" in my definition...Maybe we all just need an excuse to harbor poison within our hearts...

Our Tormentors are none other than ourselves, and we need something external on which to place the blame...

Anyway, there are certain people that I would like to share my hurt with... But I find no reason to do so. I sit quietly, patiently, waiting for anyone to reveal themselves to me so that I may show them the gaping hole that was seared so deeply into my heart, still dripping sticky flesh from a lack of closure...

Oh how cruel one's Tormentor can be...

And yet I thank him.

I suppose that I do thank him for giving me such awesome material to work with, for enlightening me to a whole new subject of art, and therefore improving me as a whole... But everything about it is twisted.

I am, in effect, thanking him for ruining me as I once knew myself... I hold such contempt towards him for doing so.

Possibly one of my largest fears is the possibility of his return...

But this is all aside from the point.

Plunge in...

When men betray you --- and they will betray you --- use this as an opportunity to forgive, as a heighted experience from which you can make music, write poetry, paint paintings.

Believe me, you will be privy to a world that's more vivid than your crayons... more colorful than those snapshots your father is so fond of... a place where your creativity is queen.

So plunge in...

Say yes...

Fall recklessly in love.

Feel more deeply than your friends do. Hit the heights, descend into the depths. Kiss the lads smack on the lips and move on --- like it did.

I survived love...

And you will too.

Letting go is when love hurts the most

Sometimes you sit and think, and you wonder if he can see it in your eyes...

Can he tell you still love him...that there's nothing you would rather think about than the times he held you in his arms...

Can he see the tears? Cause they sure are there...deep down, sure enough, along with the pain and the loneliness that you bury so deep you're sure no one can tell.

Sometimes you would give anything imaginable to be able to make him understand... to have one more chance to make him know how much he meant... to be able to feel complete...

But you smile through it all… you talk like you always used to, the best of friends... and every time he smiles at you a tiny little pang of hope springs up, but you crush it before it can surface, before it can give you away...

...and you hug him good-bye like it's nothing... while all you want to do is hold on forever...

But you let go, smile and walk away... then cry all the way home because you know it will never be the same...

Because try as you might you can't make someone love you, sometimes you have to let them be free...

And letting go, that is when love hurts the most.

To Be or Not to Be?

When you break up with someone, and you hang out with your friends, you want him to be there but then again, on second thought, you don’t want him to be there because you enjoy his presence and you like being with him…

Why?

Because he is always the one that can make you laugh, even when no one else is laughing; he is always the one that will make the stupid comments and the immature jokes, but you always laugh, and you can’t figure why…

But then you don’t want him to be there because every time you look at him it makes you want him even more.

You look at him and in your mind you’re saying “right now, I would be holding his hand, or kissing him” and it kills you that he doesn’t see how much you are hurting, but you try hiding it by smiling when he says hi to you or if he even looks at you…

And at the back of your numb worn-out mind, you wonder if he thinks or feels the same way you feel because you want to tell him how you feel so bad, but is afraid that he will laugh in your face, or even worse, not even pay attention….

So what do you do?

You mask all your feelings with a smile, pretending nothing is wrong, until you get home, where you cry yourself to sleep holding something dear to you that he gave you…

Silently wishing he also felt the pain that you feel…

Today let me let go...

Dear God,

Today let me see that my hurting and pain is a way of showing me I have insecurities that I need to work on. To heal my insecurities is to heal my pain. Today let me find strength and courage to face my insecurities and fears and know that I don't have to look toward another to sooth them.

Today let me relax and feel safe in knowing that sometimes in life the worst that happens to us are often miracles in disguise. Today let me find strength and courage to let go of what is behind me and look with anticipated joy to what magic and wonderful mystery the future may have in store.

Today let me hear my cries. Let me pray for the strength to step away from denial and live my life in forward.Today I pray for freedom through truth. Truth liberates, heals, and transforms. Today let me find strength and courage to stop looking for happiness in things that may or may not come true.

Today let me remember that forgiveness is something I do for me. To forgive is to admit that all people are human and humans make mistakes. Today let me find strength and courage to forgive those who have wronged me.

Today let me feel the warm light of dawn. Let the light show me that each day deserves to be a new day. Today let me find strength and courage to stop living my life in reverse.

Today let me understand that if I am to be without hope I am to be without a part in my life's plan. Today let me find strength and courage to admit my role in my own misery, be it that of victim or that of volunteer.

Today let me touch the hearts of those who love me by admitting to my own pre-occupation with myself lately. Today let me find strength and courage to let go of ego and give the gift of love back to those who love me.

Today let me see.

Today let me relax.

Today let me hear.

Today let me remember.

Today let me feel.

Today let me understand.

Today let me touch.

Today let me let go.

I am moving on, hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

When someone you love abandons you, it doesn't hurt just because they've changed, or lied, or went back on their promises. But because you know what they really are and what a beautiful person they can be…

And when they take that away from you and won't let you see that beautiful person again, nothing hurts more than having someone just decide to take your entire world away without consulting you first.

I am moving on… And if I feel the need to cry, I will. But it will not be for the heart ache you've made, but for not we might have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that I felt, but I will cry because of the love that I was never able to share, with the one guy I fell for.

I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the guy who left.

I am moving on… And I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left, but that once you stayed. No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much... I will try not to think of you… When I wake up in the morning I will try not to ask myself if somehow you are also awake.

I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of.

No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my breakfast wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in, just to have some privacy to sadly think of you, cry or do some foolish things because of you.

I've had enough.

I'll try to hold back the tears when I think of you. I'll just try to smile. And no, never will I again think of you last, when I go to sleep…

Sleep is my only rest, so please don't plague me in my dreams.

I will give my affections to any guy who is in need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give him the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours…

Worthy or not worthy of it, at least he's here, you're not.

I am moving on...

Hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

Moving Forward

Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them.

We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves.

We let them go, and let ourselves grow.

Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.

Turning Point

You’re off the hook.

I’ve never really put much faith in all that “if you love someone, set them free” crap, as evidenced by everything I’ve done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy.

Happy in this life.

And I love you. I mean, I always –--- I have always, always loved you.

But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man’s friend.

So I have to get right with that and be happy now.

Because this is it.

I mean, this is all that we get...

I also want for you to be happy. It’s really important for me that you be happy. I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself.

I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I’m with you.

So I guess the point to this long, run on sentence that’s been the last ten years of our lives... is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me.