SOMEDAY, SOMETIME, SOMEDAY

Sometimes the world seems dark. Your friends abandon you, your family hates you, your lover uses you, your teachers fail you, your bosses screw you over in unimaginable ways. Sometimes it seems like hope has faded, along with the moon and the stars.

Days seem dark, nights seem cold.

Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it to get out of bed. Sometimes, it hurts like hell.

You watch everyone around you --- friends, co-workers, people on the street. You watch, and you see that they seem so happy.

And then you wonder --- why?

Why can't I be happy like that? Why can't I go buy expensive shoes and feel fulfilled? Why can't I get laid and think everything's okay? Why the hell do things leave me empty, when everyone else feels just fine? Why does it have to hurt so bad?

You cry. You let the tears spill from your eyes, burn your cheeks, leave trails of salt over your lips. You sob silently, or maybe not so silently. Maybe you cry out, because it just hurts too much to keep quiet about. Maybe you let it eat you alive, like I did. Maybe you never let the tears fall at all.

Maybe you're just proud enough to put on a mask and pretend everything's okay. Maybe you hide the way you feel. Maybe you're scared of the pain. Maybe you're terrified to let people think there's anything different about you.

Or maybe, you just don't know how else to be. But even if the tears never make it past your eyes, they're inside you.

Sometimes, you turn the music up so loud, you can't even hear yourself think. Sometimes, the pills numb the hell out of you, and the doctor says that means you're okay. Sometimes, you tear yourself to pieces, because watching yourself bleed makes you believe you're real. Sometimes, you can't even bring yourself to do any of that. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do, so you just sit there and wait for the darkness to pass.

But someday, the scars will fade, the meds will be gone, and the deafness won't even be necessary. Someday, things will really be okay.

Hope really is like the night sky --- it's there, even if you can't see it. Someday, the pain will go away and you will find out that there is only one thing that actually lasts --- love. Not to sound cliche, but love is the only real thing in this world. Pain, hate, sorrow --- they're all illusions. Love is what makes this world worthy of existence. Love is the only thing that opens our eyes to the beautiful things.

Sometimes, it's still going to hurt. But sometimes you have to suffer for the things that are worth it, the things you really love.

And sometime, someday, you're going to be glad you got out of bed and faced the day.

I USED TO...

Life is about how you feel.

That's it.

It's really the only sense we have that matters. It's the only reason we're here. How we feel… and what caused it.

I used to feel too, but all I felt was pain. Happiness was unfamiliar… joy was just an idea… laughter was unknown.

And now?

Now I don't feel anymore. I don't think anymore. And the only reason I can come up with is that my heart just couldn't feel the pain any longer so it gave up. It became immune to the feeling.

I used to feel too… up until I died inside.

You don’t get to call me pathetic

You get to visit my site. You get to view my photos. You get to read my blogs. But you don’t get to post malicious comments on it. You don’t get to call me names. You don’t get to call me pathetic!!

How dare you!

Few days ago, you surprised me with your comment on my multiply account. (I don’t know how you got my multiply address but that is the least of my concerns. Besides this is a public account.)You pretended to be my ex boyfriend and was asking me if I could delete our photos which were taken when we were still a couple.

The first question I asked myself was, “What the fcuk? Why only now? Why not 4 months ago? And why create a dummy multiply account when you (if you’re really my ex) could have easily texted me on my cellphone? I never changed my number. That will save you a lot of time and energy right?”

So, being the bitch that I am, of course I decided I wouldn’t delete the photos. Why should I do that in the first place? I mean, those were “archived pictures”. They were posted in my site, taken by my camera with consent of the people in the photos. For whatever they’re worth, I would like them to remain in my site. Not to brag to the world that once I had a bf but that once in my life I loved... and I loved well...

However, knowing that I am being biased to myself, I told my friends about what happened and asked them if I should delete the photos. I asked them to be as neutral as possible --- taking into consideration that my ex already has a new bf and that seeing the pictures we had before might cause a bit of a problem on their end. I know for a fact that my friends will tell me what I needed to hear.

My friends told me not to delete them. They don’t see any reason why I should. They said it was a part of my past and they were old pictures. They were on the archived albums already. Also, they said that I always give a disclaimer to the people commenting on it that we already broke up. That I am single...

I thought the dilemma was over; I went on with my usual life without a heavy heart. But yesterday, I received a message from you --- this time on my friendster account. You are scary. The message reads: “Subject line: Vince... Body: “I’m his boyfriend, and I’m not comfortable seeing your pics in multiply which were just posted recently... aren't you over him yet? What’s the point of showing the world that as if you're still together and to use marvince as your profile name? He already asked you to remove the pics right? If you wanna get over him and move on, it's not a good way of doing it... pathetic!” end of message....

BP: 140/120, pulse rate: 200bpm. I could have sworn that I really lost my cool after reading your message to me. There were so many things going on in my mind that my neurons were sending impulses at a speed not known to man. I took a breather and analyzed your message. Although I would have appreciated if your email was not as poorly constructed as it was, here is my response to all your baseless accusations.

First, I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to see our pics together. Maybe you should do yourself a favour and get away from my photo albums. You don’t have to visit my site every 30minutes you know. Or better yet, maybe I could do you a favour and block you from my site so you don’t ever have to worry about feeling uncomfortable ever again. Fine. You get the right to feel uncomfortable but please don’t think even for a minute that I will be the one to make you comfortable again. That is just to much to ask.

Second, the reason why the pictures were just posted a few months back was because I only started my multiply account two months ago. So please forgive multiply if they are not letting people post pictures without an account. Makes sense?

Third, in your message you said “What’s the point of showing the world that as if you're still together and to use marvince as your profile name?” How dare you! If you happen to spend some time reading my blogs and not concentrate morning over the pictures on my photo albums, it will occur to you that the whole world pretty much know that I already broke up with my ex bf and that though I am having a hard time moving on, I am not making it look as if we are still together. The last thing I would like is for us to get back together. If that gives you a little bit of solace, go ahead and suit yourself.

Fourth, about the photos, let me tell you that I will not delete them on my site. So please stop harassing me. What are you so insecure anyway? I have the pictures of yesterday. You have the boy. You have the pictures of today and tomorrow. Wanna trade place? You get to take the man of my dreams away from me. You get to take the future I once hoped for. But you don’t get to take away my memories. Those are the only thing I have left.

Fifth, I will tell when I will move on, or how I will move on or what I will do to move on. You don’t enter my life and shove it to my ass that you know better. You don’t get to be a smart ass. Not on me at least. You don’t get to tell me what to do and if I’m doing it right or not. You don’t know what hell I’ve been through for the past 3 months and if you have some self respect left even just for a bit, you will keep your unsolicited advice to yourself and shut up. Because you don’t get to judge me. Not you.

Lastly, and most important of all, remember this, you don’t get to call me pathetic!
It’s funny how for one second I was actually willing to trade places with you. Sure, you have the boy and that makes you one heck of a lucky guy. But I figured, I’d rather be single (not alone) than be you!

I don’t want to feel rotten inside.

Maybe I’ll take the road to moral perdition or take the road to redemption. Personally, I don’t want to call you pathetic just because you called me pathetic; I don’t want to judge you just because you make it sound like you know me to the bones, I don’t want to. I don’t want to converge with you and with people of your caliber.

PS.
If you don’t stop harassing me, I will post your friendster address here. I swear.

Today let me let go...

Dear God,

Today let me see that my hurting and pain is a way of showing me I have insecurities that I need to work on. To heal my insecurities is to heal my pain. Today let me find strength and courage to face my insecurities and fears and know that I don't have to look toward another to sooth them.

Today let me relax and feel safe in knowing that sometimes in life the worst that happens to us are often miracles in disguise. Today let me find strength and courage to let go of what is behind me and look with anticipated joy to what magic and wonderful mystery the future may have in store.

Today let me hear my cries. Let me pray for the strength to step away from denial and live my life in forward.Today I pray for freedom through truth. Truth liberates, heals, and transforms. Today let me find strength and courage to stop looking for happiness in things that may or may not come true.

Today let me remember that forgiveness is something I do for me. To forgive is to admit that all people are human and humans make mistakes. Today let me find strength and courage to forgive those who have wronged me.

Today let me feel the warm light of dawn. Let the light show me that each day deserves to be a new day. Today let me find strength and courage to stop living my life in reverse.

Today let me understand that if I am to be without hope I am to be without a part in my life's plan. Today let me find strength and courage to admit my role in my own misery, be it that of victim or that of volunteer.

Today let me touch the hearts of those who love me by admitting to my own pre-occupation with myself lately. Today let me find strength and courage to let go of ego and give the gift of love back to those who love me.

Today let me see.

Today let me relax.

Today let me hear.

Today let me remember.

Today let me feel.

Today let me understand.

Today let me touch.

Today let me let go.

I Know Better

I am not like that now.

I know better.

I know now that people lie, and promises can be broken as quick as they are made.

I understand that I might never be loved, and too quickly good things fly in front of my eyes before I can reach out and grab them.

I know that I can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. Also, there isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if I'm standing alone for awhile, that's why.

Not everything in life comes easy, but when I work the hardest, that's when it's the best.

I can't always expect people to care, and even when my best friends stab me in the front, I don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for my back. They missed for a reason.

I found out to soon, that in the end, I am my own best friend.

Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not, its gonna hurt like hell. But I can't stop it. I can't change my fate.

Some things are meant to be and all the pain I go through will end up resulting in something huge. I don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit me like a ton of bricks.

At some point, when I have experienced everything I can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to me anymore. But I won't try to change it. Stuff like that is meant to happen.

Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on me. And that happens because that's the way it supposed to be. But I'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter.

But it might catch me off guard and happen sooner.

So i better watch out.

I know better.

Really.

I do.