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The Best Things in Life ay libre...

Wise men say that the best thing in life is to give love... and receive it. They weren't lying when they said that happiness is free. Money can't buy you love... as the old song goes...

The best things in life are free...

I think contrary to common assumptions, people are more averse to receiving love than giving it. And similar to all great equations, once incomplete and unresolved, love (like everything else) fails. Most of us unconsciously feel that we don't deserve love. We think that if we give in and let it sink in, we'll become too mushy... too soft... too VULNERABLE.

But isn't love supposed to fortify? Isn't it there to strengthen our bonds?

Love connects us all.

Between you and me, I don't get why people push away the people who love them. (Deep down, our brains are somehow fooling us that we are too corrupted to deserve love... or we are too scared that the other person loves us too much, and we can't give the same amount of love in return. Don't you think this wrong? Love is there to be given. And, as the song says, it's free.) We rely too much on sight, I believe. We always trust what we see. But sight is the easiest to fool of all the senses. Why can't people trust what they feel?

Have they been burned before? Have they been hurt so bad that they don't want to love again? Or feel loved?

These are the types who alienate themselves from society... and trust is a valuable commodity. If we want others to trust us, we must learn how to trust them too. Even if we're unsure, even if we're in the dark... sometime, somewhere, there'd be hands waiting to catch us before we fall.

It's not always guaranteed... this life doesn't come with a warranty.

But we live once. We gamble.

And maybe, if we try hard enough... if we wait long enough... and we invest enough time, effort, blood, and tears... we could hit the jackpot.

Open your eyes. Maybe we should do the opposite. Let's close them. And hope against hope that the next time we fall... there'd be hands waiting to catch us.

I still believe that the best things in life are free.

You can’t buy love.

If you want to buy love, buy a puppy.

Helpless Puppets

There are moments in your life that make you... that set the course for who you're going to be.

Sometimes they're little subtle moments.

Sometimes they're not…

Bottom line is even when you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. Nobody asks for his or her life to change.

Not really, but it does.

So what are we helpless Puppets?

No, the big moments are going to come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts...

That’s when you find out who you are.

Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal

There was a time that it never seemed to matter much…

No --- that’s not true –-- There was a time I deceived myself into thinking that it didn’t matter much; A time when I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be: Successful, wealthy, independent, helpful, knowledgeable…
How did I allow myself to lose everything I stood for… everything I wanted? When did I give up and give in?

Where did I go to be so far from reality?

Who was I kidding?

Maybe it was all me, afraid to face reality, afraid to face rejection, afraid to face loss and pain and emptiness…

Maybe I realized that I couldn’t be what I wanted, couldn’t be where I wanted, and couldn’t have what I needed…

Maybe I thought I could have my reality if I lived up to everyone else’s first…

Maybe I was just a fool…

Now reality is here and I can’t turn away. I can’t hide; can’t run fast enough or far enough. All the pain and loss, all of the wrong choices, all of the missed opportunities, all of the loneliness…

My reality envelops me, washes through every pore, and flows through me with more strength than my blood…

Pain, anger, fear, and longing have become so constant and omnipresent that I can no longer feel them individually or feel any other emotions at all. My reality pulls me down into that same abyss I have feared my whole life, But I still retain a faint glimmer of hope (fool that I am).

Truth, passion, joy, bonding, caring, love --– It seems so simple. Shouldn’t these things come to everyone? Why for others and not for me?

How can I live without the only things that really matter?

Who am I kidding?!

It doesn't matter

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you.

And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of margarita you drink with your friends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.

And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy.

And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door.

And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new.

And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again.

And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

You don’t get to call me pathetic

You get to visit my site. You get to view my photos. You get to read my blogs. But you don’t get to post malicious comments on it. You don’t get to call me names. You don’t get to call me pathetic!!

How dare you!

Few days ago, you surprised me with your comment on my multiply account. (I don’t know how you got my multiply address but that is the least of my concerns. Besides this is a public account.)You pretended to be my ex boyfriend and was asking me if I could delete our photos which were taken when we were still a couple.

The first question I asked myself was, “What the fcuk? Why only now? Why not 4 months ago? And why create a dummy multiply account when you (if you’re really my ex) could have easily texted me on my cellphone? I never changed my number. That will save you a lot of time and energy right?”

So, being the bitch that I am, of course I decided I wouldn’t delete the photos. Why should I do that in the first place? I mean, those were “archived pictures”. They were posted in my site, taken by my camera with consent of the people in the photos. For whatever they’re worth, I would like them to remain in my site. Not to brag to the world that once I had a bf but that once in my life I loved... and I loved well...

However, knowing that I am being biased to myself, I told my friends about what happened and asked them if I should delete the photos. I asked them to be as neutral as possible --- taking into consideration that my ex already has a new bf and that seeing the pictures we had before might cause a bit of a problem on their end. I know for a fact that my friends will tell me what I needed to hear.

My friends told me not to delete them. They don’t see any reason why I should. They said it was a part of my past and they were old pictures. They were on the archived albums already. Also, they said that I always give a disclaimer to the people commenting on it that we already broke up. That I am single...

I thought the dilemma was over; I went on with my usual life without a heavy heart. But yesterday, I received a message from you --- this time on my friendster account. You are scary. The message reads: “Subject line: Vince... Body: “I’m his boyfriend, and I’m not comfortable seeing your pics in multiply which were just posted recently... aren't you over him yet? What’s the point of showing the world that as if you're still together and to use marvince as your profile name? He already asked you to remove the pics right? If you wanna get over him and move on, it's not a good way of doing it... pathetic!” end of message....

BP: 140/120, pulse rate: 200bpm. I could have sworn that I really lost my cool after reading your message to me. There were so many things going on in my mind that my neurons were sending impulses at a speed not known to man. I took a breather and analyzed your message. Although I would have appreciated if your email was not as poorly constructed as it was, here is my response to all your baseless accusations.

First, I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to see our pics together. Maybe you should do yourself a favour and get away from my photo albums. You don’t have to visit my site every 30minutes you know. Or better yet, maybe I could do you a favour and block you from my site so you don’t ever have to worry about feeling uncomfortable ever again. Fine. You get the right to feel uncomfortable but please don’t think even for a minute that I will be the one to make you comfortable again. That is just to much to ask.

Second, the reason why the pictures were just posted a few months back was because I only started my multiply account two months ago. So please forgive multiply if they are not letting people post pictures without an account. Makes sense?

Third, in your message you said “What’s the point of showing the world that as if you're still together and to use marvince as your profile name?” How dare you! If you happen to spend some time reading my blogs and not concentrate morning over the pictures on my photo albums, it will occur to you that the whole world pretty much know that I already broke up with my ex bf and that though I am having a hard time moving on, I am not making it look as if we are still together. The last thing I would like is for us to get back together. If that gives you a little bit of solace, go ahead and suit yourself.

Fourth, about the photos, let me tell you that I will not delete them on my site. So please stop harassing me. What are you so insecure anyway? I have the pictures of yesterday. You have the boy. You have the pictures of today and tomorrow. Wanna trade place? You get to take the man of my dreams away from me. You get to take the future I once hoped for. But you don’t get to take away my memories. Those are the only thing I have left.

Fifth, I will tell when I will move on, or how I will move on or what I will do to move on. You don’t enter my life and shove it to my ass that you know better. You don’t get to be a smart ass. Not on me at least. You don’t get to tell me what to do and if I’m doing it right or not. You don’t know what hell I’ve been through for the past 3 months and if you have some self respect left even just for a bit, you will keep your unsolicited advice to yourself and shut up. Because you don’t get to judge me. Not you.

Lastly, and most important of all, remember this, you don’t get to call me pathetic!
It’s funny how for one second I was actually willing to trade places with you. Sure, you have the boy and that makes you one heck of a lucky guy. But I figured, I’d rather be single (not alone) than be you!

I don’t want to feel rotten inside.

Maybe I’ll take the road to moral perdition or take the road to redemption. Personally, I don’t want to call you pathetic just because you called me pathetic; I don’t want to judge you just because you make it sound like you know me to the bones, I don’t want to. I don’t want to converge with you and with people of your caliber.

PS.
If you don’t stop harassing me, I will post your friendster address here. I swear.

Life sucks, then you die

We're all trapped.

Each of us is stuck being who we are. Sometimes we fight to change ourselves, but ultimately this has little effect. We can change what we do, but we cannot change who we are.

If you're a happy person, you don't feel trapped.

If you're surrounded by people who you love and who love you… if you can do what you want to do in life… if you are at peace with who you are why would you ever feel trapped? You wouldn't want to change yourself; you wouldn't need to try.

If you're a happy person, hey, you got lucky! Go back to the previous page, you'll find nothing of interest here.

I am not a happy person.

Well, I used to be. There are days when I am a happy person, but today is not one of those days. Maybe you're not either. Maybe you're too fat, or too thin, too old, or too young. Maybe you're ugly and nobody wants to sleep with you. Maybe everyone wants to sleep with you, but nobody loves you and it's all meaningless. Maybe your body is fucked up and you're in pain all the time. Maybe your mind is fucked up and you're in pain all the time.

So you struggle with all these problems year after year, and you're getting nowhere, and you wonder if anything will ever change. And the unavoidable reality of it all is that, for you, life sucks.

But of course you're not going to give up so easily, you're going to keep struggling to solve your problems, to change yourself, to find happiness, wherever it is, whatever it is.

But still, life sucks.

And you see all these people out there who are blissfully free of your problems, and if they can do it, there must be some way for you to as well.

But they aren't doing you any good at all, they don't understand what it's like being you, and what good would it do you if they did understand?

So, the forces which created you, random or otherwise, have spoken.

And they've determined that, for you..

Well, life sucks.

Why can't the end come now?

I can't think of anything to write today.

All I can think about is how sad I feel - how much it hurts.

It's been another bad day, and I can't express how sad I am. Everything I see makes me sadder. And I just can't stand it. I think I'm going insane.

I have no more strength for this.

No more fortitude.

No more stamina.

It hurts, and I want someone to hold me while I cry ---

…cry out a life of loneliness and sorrow

…cry out the loss of all of my hopes and dreams

…cry out the desperate longings that will never be answered.

I have passed fear and now only know infinite sadness… sadness without measure and without end… a sadness that knows only solutions which can never be.

But rather than make another lengthy Journal entry about how pathetic I am, I'm just going to end it at this.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have something worthwhile to write.

There is no one to help. I am alone.

Destitute.

Empty.

Soulless.

Why can't the end come now?

Someone is copying my blog…

I just found out that someone has copied several of my entries, word per word, and posted it on his blog, passing it off as his entry.

Not only is this stealing intellectual property rights, but the entries he chose to plagiarize happened to be some of my most personal ones. He even copied my idea of placing a little icon before every post.

He even had the nerve to tweak one of my entries written in Tagalog and change it’s title to something that was obviously derived from my title.

And to think he was even asking me for help with editing his photos.

I shall not name him, or his multiply address. I just really feel sad that there are people like him who take advantage of other people.

Needless to say, I am royally p-i-s-s-e-d.

Does this guy totally lack any ideas of his own?

I guess plagiarism is a pitfall of posting your writing on the internet.

If that’s the case, I don’t want to blog anymore.

Ang kwento ko ay malamang kwento mo rin…

Kung papipiliin ka, ikaw ba ay isang mabuting tao na paminsan-minsan ay nakakagawa ng masama, o isang masamang tao na paminsan-minsan ay nakakagawa ng mabuti?

Ako?

Yung pangalawa ang sagot ko. Kasi pag ang tingin ko sa sarili ko ay mabuti, malulungkot lang ako tuwing makakagawa ako ng masama. Pero pag ang tingin ko sa sarili ko ay masama, matutuwa ako tuwing makakagawa ng mabuti sa ibang tao.

At maganda yun dahil sawa na akong malungkot.

Kailangan ba talagang isaalang-alang ang ibang tao bago mo masabing dapat ka ngang maging masaya? Hindi ka ba pwedeng maging masaya, dahil lang gusto mong maging masaya?

Bakit maraming taong mahilig makialam sa kaligayahan ng iba? Malamang dahil iniisip nilang wala kang karapatang maging masaya. Pero mas malamang na wala kasing nagpapasaya sa buhay nila.

Mas napapasaya ka ba ng sarili mo? O ng ibang tao? Masama ba kung masaya ka sa buhay dahil sa mga nagawa mo para sa sarili mo, at hindi dahil sa mga nagawa mo para sa ibang tao at mga nagawa ng ibang tao para sa iyo?

Hindi siguro masama, pero malungkot. Na lalong nagpapagulo sa usapan. Isipin mo, malulungkot ka dahil ikaw lang ang nagpapasaya sa iyo?

Babalikan mo ang mga bagay na bumuo ng mga araw mo sa loob ng maraming taon. Naging masaya ka nga ba? O niloko mo lang ang sarili mo na masaya ka?

Kung kailangan mo pang kumbinsihin ang sarili mo na dapat ka ngang maging masaya, paano mo masasabing masaya ka nga?

Kaya naman sisimulan mo ang paghahanap ng kaligayahan. Ikaw ay hihiling, maghihintay, aasa at mabibigo.

Paulit-ulit.

Ayos lang sa iyo. Tutal, pangako mo, kapag nahanap mo na ang hinahanap mo, magiging masaya ka na 'di ba?

Ang mahirap maintindihan, bakit kapag nasa harap mo na ang isang bagay na maaaring magpasaya sa iyo, saka ka naman magtatanong, "Ano ba ang nagawa ko, bakit dumating sa buhay ko ang magandang bagay na ito?" Maiisip mong hindi ka karapat-dapat, kaya't ikaw ay lalayo at muling maghahanap.

Ano nga ba ang hinahanap mo? Hindi mo ba napapansin na may mga bagay hindi hinahanap pero kusang nagagawi sa landas mo?

Kailan mo kaya maiisip na hindi mo kailangang maging espesyal na tao para dumating ang isang magandang bagay na babago sa iyo?

Para iyon sa iyo, dahil ikaw ay ikaw. Hindi na kailangan ng dahilan. Bawat isa ay nararapat lang na maging masaya.
Sa halip tuloy na masaya ka na, pinalulungkot mo ang sarili mo sa pag-iisip kung paano ka nga ba sasaya.

May sense naman diba?

So masaya ka na ba talaga?

Napakasuwerte mo naman palang nilalang...

Ikaw.

Oo, ikaw nga!

Napakasuwerte mo sa lahat ng mga taong nagpakatanga at nagpapakatanga sayo! Naisip mo na ba kung ilang dagat na ang pwedeng mabuo mula sa mga luhang tumulo dahil sayo? Masarap ba ang pakiramdam ng iniiyakan kahit buhay ka pa?!
Masaya?!

Ilang tanga na ba ang naliwanagan dahil dumating ka sa buhay nila? Ilang henyo na ba ang nabobo sa kaiisip sayo? ilang bochog na ba ang nangayayat sa kakahabol sayo? ilang patpatin na ba ang nakabuhat ng grand piano dahil minahal ka nila?

Nakakatawang isipin at pagtanda siguro natin mahirap paniwalaan, na minsan sa buhay ng batang iyon, ikaw ang naging tampok ng kanyang mga pangarap.

Minsan naman sadyang dumadating sa mga relasyon yung pagkakataon na kailangang bumitaw o mabitawan, makasakit o masaktan. Malas mo na nga lang kung ikaw yung iniwan pero hindi eh. Talagang masuwerte ka kasi ikaw yung nang-iwan. Pero kahit ganoon na nga ang papel mo, lalabas ka pa ring bida at dakila kasi sasabihin ng mokong na to, Hindi ko siya masisisi. Akonaman talaga ang may kasalanan.

Ayos!

Ilang utak na ba ang binabagabag mo gabi-gabi? Ilang nilalang na ang hindi nakakatulog sakaiisip sayo? Ilang mga mata na ang parang namagang fishball sa umaga dahil sa magdamag napag-iyak sa alaala mo?

Alam mo ba na para kang bubblegum sa bumbunan nung taong mahal na mahal ka? Pilit na kinukutkot pero sa huli malagkit pa rin. Para kang mantika sa platong hindi maalis-alis kahit nakalimang banlaw na lalo na kung walang Joy Ultra Calamansi. Para kang monthly period na after three days akala wala na pero may taghabol pa pala.

Isa man yan, o isang barkada, maswerte ka pa rin. Hindi ba nakakataba ng puso ang malamang may isang nilalang na iinom ng isang shot ng nana at isang kilong taba para lang sayo? Na kahitlasunin mo ng racumin, para pa ring tutang susunod sayo.

Kung ganon pwede ka nang lumundag mula sa Eiffel Tower at makakasigurado kang sa langit pa rin ang bagsak mo dahil may isang nilalang na makikipagbargain kay satanas para sa kaluluwa mo.

Sabihin mo nang hindi ka naman ganon; nainiiwan ka rin at nasasaktan; na hindi moginustong magpakapraning sila sayo; na hindi ka ganon kalupit at karahas; na may puso ka ringmamon.

Pero wala kang magagawa.

Wala akong magagawa.

Wala silang magagawa.

MAHAL KITA EH...THAT'S LIFE!!

I Know Better

I am not like that now.

I know better.

I know now that people lie, and promises can be broken as quick as they are made.

I understand that I might never be loved, and too quickly good things fly in front of my eyes before I can reach out and grab them.

I know that I can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. Also, there isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if I'm standing alone for awhile, that's why.

Not everything in life comes easy, but when I work the hardest, that's when it's the best.

I can't always expect people to care, and even when my best friends stab me in the front, I don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for my back. They missed for a reason.

I found out to soon, that in the end, I am my own best friend.

Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not, its gonna hurt like hell. But I can't stop it. I can't change my fate.

Some things are meant to be and all the pain I go through will end up resulting in something huge. I don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit me like a ton of bricks.

At some point, when I have experienced everything I can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to me anymore. But I won't try to change it. Stuff like that is meant to happen.

Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on me. And that happens because that's the way it supposed to be. But I'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter.

But it might catch me off guard and happen sooner.

So i better watch out.

I know better.

Really.

I do.

I am moving on, hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

When someone you love abandons you, it doesn't hurt just because they've changed, or lied, or went back on their promises. But because you know what they really are and what a beautiful person they can be…

And when they take that away from you and won't let you see that beautiful person again, nothing hurts more than having someone just decide to take your entire world away without consulting you first.

I am moving on… And if I feel the need to cry, I will. But it will not be for the heart ache you've made, but for not we might have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that I felt, but I will cry because of the love that I was never able to share, with the one guy I fell for.

I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the guy who left.

I am moving on… And I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left, but that once you stayed. No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much... I will try not to think of you… When I wake up in the morning I will try not to ask myself if somehow you are also awake.

I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of.

No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my breakfast wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in, just to have some privacy to sadly think of you, cry or do some foolish things because of you.

I've had enough.

I'll try to hold back the tears when I think of you. I'll just try to smile. And no, never will I again think of you last, when I go to sleep…

Sleep is my only rest, so please don't plague me in my dreams.

I will give my affections to any guy who is in need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give him the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours…

Worthy or not worthy of it, at least he's here, you're not.

I am moving on...

Hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

Broken Break-ups

Isn't it funny how you can think you're completely over someone but if you drive past his house, stumble upon a meaningful song you both shared, see a picture of you together, or even get a glance of him on the street.... just in an instant, it can change all that…

And then you start to remember the pain… and that hollow space is feeling more and more like the Grand Canyon with every second that goes by…

But you bury these feelings deep down… so deep that you're sure no one will be able to tell.

To the outside world, you smile and act like nothing is wrong or will ever be.

Everything's just perfect.

And for that split second that you've locked eyes… a tiny whisper… say 'make this last forever, only and just this moment forever and ever'…

But after a second or so, you go along your own merry way, all the while realizing how much you do miss him, how much you still love him... and it sticks with you for days, weeks, maybe months, until fate decides to hand you another one of those unexpected moments.

And then you finally understand the worst feeling in the world is when the person you love most is standing right next to you, yet you can never have them. Try as you may, you can't make someone love you again…

And in relationships, the hardest thing to do is not moving on but not looking back…

Breaking up isn’t the worst part of breaking up…

But living with it…

One day you’ll get it

There's this image I keep coming back to...

I'm ten-years-old. My mom and dad took me to see “Terminator 2: Judgement Day”. There I was, fourth row center, flanked by my parents.

And in walks this guy with another guy. Probably our age now. They plop down right in front of me... and proceed to make-out for the entire movie.

I couldn't believe it.

I couldn't believe that anyone would rather kiss than watch this action, sci-fi, thriller unfold on the screen.

At one point, I tapped the guy on the shoulder and he looked back at me, like, "One day you'll get it kid."

Here it is all these years later, and I’m not that guy who goes to the movies and makes out in the balcony, and I’m not that kid who sat between his parents...

I'm this third person who’s too busy analyzing everything to actually sit back and enjoy the show.

I mean those other two guys, at least they’re having fun.

I'm not anymore...

Miss You To Bits

You know what’s funny?

Those things that you did when we were together that would always piss me off are the things that I miss the most...

You know when you'd never stop talking to me when I was trying to watch my favorite teleserye or when I’m trying to finish a book…

How you would always be a smart ass, or how about all the times when you insisted that you loved me more...

How you’d hide all of my DVDs because you wanted us to talk…

How you’d always manage to intentionally swap our Zagu orders and confess to me what you did after I’m almost done drinking the Zagu variant that was supposed to be yours.

When you’d secretly sneak on my bag to look for cigarette to check if I smoke when I’m not home… and if you do find one, you’d hide my lighter and throw away my cigar… go back to sleep and pretend like nothing happened. (I saw all the “missing” cigarette packs on top of my closet).

When you’d deliberately adjust my alarm clock 30 minutes past my shift because you want to spend more time with me and I always end up logging in late for work.

When you’d pretend to be sick but all of a sudden get better after I inform my mom that I won’t be able to come home to Cavite. You’d then invite me to watch a movie or dine out.

When you'd playfully make fun of me for saying something wrong…

When you'd pick me up and carry me along the streets of Filmore on our way back home from Cash and Carry... and I'd fight you because people could see us but you just don't care...

When you'd call me later than you were supposed to...

When you’d purposely pretend to be done studying for your finals only to find out later that you lied because you wanted to see me.

When you’d always order extra rice and I always end up gaining those unwanted extra pounds.

How you’d always insist for me to tell you the color of the shirt I’m gonna wear and then showing up with the same exact shade. We’re always “terno” when we go to the malls.

Those are the things I want back.

It's weird.

I used to think that since we're far apart from each other, I'd be glad I wouldn't have to put up with all of them...

But now, honestly...

Those are the things I miss the most.

When the tears are not enough...

Tears flow from my eyes in little misguided river paths…

Maybe if I had only been able to hug you once more, or hold your hand as you left. Maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so much.

Maybe then I would be able to understand why I am left here alone.

It was once said, “Who do you turn to when the one who can stop your tears is the one who is making you cry?”

I wish they had found an answer…

Maybe then losing you would be easier for me to deal with.

But the thought of life without you is too painful to bear…

It actually hurts…

Like a cut on my skin, only the cut is much deeper…

It’s on my heart.

Only One

There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world.

Some are running scared...

Some are coming home...

Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth...

Some are evil men at war with the good and some are good struggling with evil...

6 billion people in the world...

6 billion souls...

And…

Sometimes...

All you need is ONE...

Just ONE...

Wonder Years

I was alone having coffee in my favorite restaurant one lazy Saturday afternoon, and I couldn't help overhearing two kids taking turns asking each other what they want to be when they grow up. Like all the other kids I asked this question to, one wants to be a doctor because he would like to help the sick, the other one wants to be a pilot someday. Their conversation was really funny in a serious kind of way or serious in a funny kind of way, but that's how kids have always been -- spontaneous, adventurous and they all have big dreams for the future.

So right at that moment, I thought to myself, when I was a kid, what did I wanted to be when I grow up?

It took some time for me to remember that at one point in my young life, I wanted to be a lawyer. I had a relative who was a lawyer and when my mom and I visit him in his office, he was always dressed up and he looked really stylish and neat. So I thought I wanted to be just like him someday (not to marry him okay. My sexual preferences and orientation were still pretty much intact when I was a kid).

I have an aunt who was a pre-school teacher for so many years. So there was a short period in my life that I wanted to be like her, I thought all she did is play with the kids. But then, she always had to work till late in the evening checking papers and preparing exams. So that didn't last either.

I also wanted to be pilot because I've always wanted to see the world. While other kids wanted to be a doctor or an engineer, I wanted to be a nurse so I can take care of my parents and grandparents (without having to spend so many years in school).

I forgot all the other dreams I had, but I am sure of something, it was a lot. And looking back, I realized that I didn't get to be anything that I dreamed myself to be. I took up my course (Bachelor of Science in Physical Therapy, De La Salle University Health Sciences Campus) in college because, it was, as I was told, the most "in demand" field at that time and not because that was where my heart was. I've grown to love it though but mainly because I had to, I thought of shifting to another course but I got scared of change. I graduated cum laude and topped my board exams.

But there are days when I'm curious about what my life would have been like if I pursued even one of my childhood dreams.

Maybe, just maybe, I'd be happier. Maybe, I'd have more energy to do what I have to accomplish for more than 8 hours of my life each day. Maybe, I'd feel more fulfilled.

Maybe…

But I realized that I had a choice and I decided to choose the choices I made. It may not be the best, but I learned to accept things as they come and be thankful for whatever I have. Sure, I made mistakes. And yes, I made the wrong decisions. But no matter how big or how little those mistakes were, I learned a lot from each one of them. And it made me the kind of person that I am now.

I may not be as successful as what I envisioned myself to be, or I may not be as rich, or not at all famous. But I'm proud of the fact that I'm making the most out of my life and with what I have. And I'm quite happy with how my life turned out.

Everyday, we face a lot of choices. We answer a lot of questions. Where to eat, what to wear, what road to take, whether to stay or to go, whether to take the promotion or to move on to other things. It's hard to take the "other" route when you're comfortable wherever it is that you are. But there are decisions in life worth doing just for the heck of it --- to grow and to continue to be challenged. Because after all, that's what living is about.

Come to think of it, I didn't become a nurse, but I took care of my grandparents when they got sick a few years back. I didn't become a pilot, but I had the chance to see other places and countries. I didn't become a teacher, but I know that you don't necessarily have to be one to teach people what you know about life…

So that only leaves being a lawyer…

Well, three out of four ain't that bad, right?

You Complete Me Not

The misconception of humans about love and relationship is that having someone with us will make us complete.

But the fact is, Love is extending one's self to another. It means that before we enter a relationship, we should already be COMPLETE.

Otherwise, if we think that having someone will make us complete, it's not a relationship. It's dependence and it may not work out.

When you are happy about yourself and you learn to love yourself, you may probably need not a partner (to a certain extent).

Right now, I'm trying to love myself more and to accept completeness. What happens next will be another story.

But for some who may be losing hope, this affirmation may help:

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gold mine you are, doesn't mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be topped, doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share your life, doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile, doesn't give you permission to stop running.
Just because no one has realized how much of a man/woman you are, doesn't mean they can affect your masculinity or femininity.

Just because no one has come to take the loneliness away, doesn't mean you have to settle for a lower quality.

Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.

Just because you deserve the very best there is, doesn't mean that life is always fair.

Just because God is still preparing your king/queen, doesn't mean that you're not already queen/king.

Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now, doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining…

Keep running…

Keep hoping…

Keep dreaming...

Keep praying…

Keep being exactly what you are already.

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow.

If they succeed in loving the distance between them, this makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.

My Little Sheltered Delusions

If there were ever a compilation of mourns and rants produced, I guarantee you, this would not be one of them. It's not long, it's not clever, it's not intense, it's not angry, it's not happy, and it's definitely not brilliant.

I'm done.

I've taken all that I can handle, and now I just want out.

I want to be gone.

I want everything to be fresh.

I've given, taken, agreed, approved and walked away bitter. If you consider life a game, the 4th quarter just ended. I wasn't even close to the last quarter, but I think I'm passed the point where I even care.

I played out of my league, out of my style, and out of control.

I'm not the type of person who goes after things. I'm the type who lets life wash whatever tidbits in me that has no longer use.

When I got off my little island to pursue things not so dead and rotting, I discovered life is a little deep.

I can't swim.

I am drowning.

I can only hope that someday destiny will bring me back to my little piece of dry land, where things may not have been good, but at least I could breathe. I must wash all memories of this nightmare out of my mind. I must go back to my little sheltered delusions. I must return to the oblivion that was.

And yet, who am I kidding? It can't be.

No matter how much sun courses through my body while I'm sprawled on the sand, the vision of the water will never disappear. It will haunt me.

What if I had made it?

What if things had worked?

What if life had gone my way?