May your soul rest in peace

Can you imagine what it feels like to have someone sit you down and tell you that you're dying? The gravity of that, huh?

Then the clock starts ticking for you…

In a split second your awe is cracked open. You look at things differently --- smell things differently. You savor everything be it a glass of water or a walk in the park.

But most people have the luxury of not knowing when that clock's going to go off. And the irony of it is that that keeps them from really living their life. It keeps them drinking that glass of water but never really tasting it.

I just found out today, that a good friend of mine died yesterday morning due to brain tumor and I can’t help but ask why. Good heavens why him? I mean, he is so young for crying out loud. He still has a lot to live… a lot to fulfill…

My knees got weak, my voice escaped me and I am left here standing… wondering why it had to be you... imagining what we would be doing if you weren't set before me… ever so pale… ever so different... ever so cold…

We say that the hour of death cannot be forecasted, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance.

It's never going to get easier.

There is never going to be a 'Death for Dummies' book. There is never going to be an escape plan to pain because no matter how much I try no matter how much I cry my life is never going to go back to the way it used to be, because I know I can't just text you on your cell phone and hope everything disappears.

I know that I can't stop myself from hoping that one day I will just receive a text from you and smile as if nothing happened.

I know that there will be days that it will be hard to get out of bed and look people in the eye and lie when they ask how I am.

I know that its going to hurt for the rest of my life and that I will always cry, but I also know that you're in heaven now and your away from all of the pain and everything is better for you now.

I just wish I could say the same for me.

Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But we never forget them.

And I promise, I will never forget you.

So long Joms…

*** Friends, please join me in praying for the eternal repose of my friend’s soul. Thank you.

You don’t get to call me pathetic

You get to visit my site. You get to view my photos. You get to read my blogs. But you don’t get to post malicious comments on it. You don’t get to call me names. You don’t get to call me pathetic!!

How dare you!

Few days ago, you surprised me with your comment on my multiply account. (I don’t know how you got my multiply address but that is the least of my concerns. Besides this is a public account.)You pretended to be my ex boyfriend and was asking me if I could delete our photos which were taken when we were still a couple.

The first question I asked myself was, “What the fcuk? Why only now? Why not 4 months ago? And why create a dummy multiply account when you (if you’re really my ex) could have easily texted me on my cellphone? I never changed my number. That will save you a lot of time and energy right?”

So, being the bitch that I am, of course I decided I wouldn’t delete the photos. Why should I do that in the first place? I mean, those were “archived pictures”. They were posted in my site, taken by my camera with consent of the people in the photos. For whatever they’re worth, I would like them to remain in my site. Not to brag to the world that once I had a bf but that once in my life I loved... and I loved well...

However, knowing that I am being biased to myself, I told my friends about what happened and asked them if I should delete the photos. I asked them to be as neutral as possible --- taking into consideration that my ex already has a new bf and that seeing the pictures we had before might cause a bit of a problem on their end. I know for a fact that my friends will tell me what I needed to hear.

My friends told me not to delete them. They don’t see any reason why I should. They said it was a part of my past and they were old pictures. They were on the archived albums already. Also, they said that I always give a disclaimer to the people commenting on it that we already broke up. That I am single...

I thought the dilemma was over; I went on with my usual life without a heavy heart. But yesterday, I received a message from you --- this time on my friendster account. You are scary. The message reads: “Subject line: Vince... Body: “I’m his boyfriend, and I’m not comfortable seeing your pics in multiply which were just posted recently... aren't you over him yet? What’s the point of showing the world that as if you're still together and to use marvince as your profile name? He already asked you to remove the pics right? If you wanna get over him and move on, it's not a good way of doing it... pathetic!” end of message....

BP: 140/120, pulse rate: 200bpm. I could have sworn that I really lost my cool after reading your message to me. There were so many things going on in my mind that my neurons were sending impulses at a speed not known to man. I took a breather and analyzed your message. Although I would have appreciated if your email was not as poorly constructed as it was, here is my response to all your baseless accusations.

First, I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to see our pics together. Maybe you should do yourself a favour and get away from my photo albums. You don’t have to visit my site every 30minutes you know. Or better yet, maybe I could do you a favour and block you from my site so you don’t ever have to worry about feeling uncomfortable ever again. Fine. You get the right to feel uncomfortable but please don’t think even for a minute that I will be the one to make you comfortable again. That is just to much to ask.

Second, the reason why the pictures were just posted a few months back was because I only started my multiply account two months ago. So please forgive multiply if they are not letting people post pictures without an account. Makes sense?

Third, in your message you said “What’s the point of showing the world that as if you're still together and to use marvince as your profile name?” How dare you! If you happen to spend some time reading my blogs and not concentrate morning over the pictures on my photo albums, it will occur to you that the whole world pretty much know that I already broke up with my ex bf and that though I am having a hard time moving on, I am not making it look as if we are still together. The last thing I would like is for us to get back together. If that gives you a little bit of solace, go ahead and suit yourself.

Fourth, about the photos, let me tell you that I will not delete them on my site. So please stop harassing me. What are you so insecure anyway? I have the pictures of yesterday. You have the boy. You have the pictures of today and tomorrow. Wanna trade place? You get to take the man of my dreams away from me. You get to take the future I once hoped for. But you don’t get to take away my memories. Those are the only thing I have left.

Fifth, I will tell when I will move on, or how I will move on or what I will do to move on. You don’t enter my life and shove it to my ass that you know better. You don’t get to be a smart ass. Not on me at least. You don’t get to tell me what to do and if I’m doing it right or not. You don’t know what hell I’ve been through for the past 3 months and if you have some self respect left even just for a bit, you will keep your unsolicited advice to yourself and shut up. Because you don’t get to judge me. Not you.

Lastly, and most important of all, remember this, you don’t get to call me pathetic!
It’s funny how for one second I was actually willing to trade places with you. Sure, you have the boy and that makes you one heck of a lucky guy. But I figured, I’d rather be single (not alone) than be you!

I don’t want to feel rotten inside.

Maybe I’ll take the road to moral perdition or take the road to redemption. Personally, I don’t want to call you pathetic just because you called me pathetic; I don’t want to judge you just because you make it sound like you know me to the bones, I don’t want to. I don’t want to converge with you and with people of your caliber.

PS.
If you don’t stop harassing me, I will post your friendster address here. I swear.

Changing Changes

“The more things change, the more they stay the same.”

I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change…

I don't think I'm alone in this.

I remember Oprah saying that the reason why she doesn’t want to get married is because she doesn’t want to change for anyone… she doesn’t want to compromise.

But compromise is fine with me. I even think change is good, but I just can’t.

The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still...

It feels safer somehow.

And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse…

So you maintain the status quo.

Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person.

I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.

But you… you know…

You’ll notice it.

Inside you that change feels like a world of difference.

And you hope this is it.

This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

That he’ll love you just the way you are.

I will treasure this for as long as I get an erection

After dinner, we went home... together... holding hands...

I was looking up at the night sky, and I could see everything… the stars… planets… galaxies… and I felt so small… Like a tiny speck that is here for only one moment in time, and then gone…

And while I’m here, I want to be with him and the people I love, because, when I’m with you guys, I don't feel that small... that's what I learned.

Am I in love?

Yes love... For this in the end is what we have. The love of something...

There is much to love, and that love is what we are left with... We can never let the world take our memories of love away, and if there are no memories, we must invent love all over again...

The wheel turns. Blue above, green below, we wander a long way, but love is what the cup of our soul contains when we leave the world and the flesh.

But then he has to go... The clock says its 9pm.

He gave me a silent look and bid goodbye... "You still have work at 12, I won’t keep you so you could rest. Text me okay?"

I just grinned and said to myself, "Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss... But every once in awhile you find someone who's iridescent, and when you do, nothing will ever compare…”

I accompanied him to the gate, waved at him and watch him closely as he disappeared in oblivion...

I just hope he knew...

Nothing compares to him...

What’s inside your bag?

I always carry a bag (courtesy of Kissmark boutique, ground floor Glorieta) when I go the office. There are just some things that I can't live without. So since I have been receiving hundreds of personal messages requesting for me to stop writing about sad thoughts, I decided to write something different for a change... hahaha.

Besides, this prince right here wants to know “you” better. So, hopefully, when your done reading this, you'll post a comment with the things we can find inside your bag. I would like to know what’s inside your bag as well.

This is fun right?

My last blog was viewed 208 times but there were like what? 4 comments on it? So please, don't be shy. Let us know what's inside your backpack, travel bag, messenger bag, purse... whatever...

Here's what you'll find in mine:

Perfume (Kenzo) --- because I always like to smell good. You’ll never know when you’ll meet Mr. Right, right? Haha. I mean, it can happen practically anywhere.

Mobile phone --- I have two phones (1 for globe and the other for Sun). I have my globe number since time immemorial. People from way back when I was in high school knows that number. Yes, yes, yes. I am not part of the 25 million strong, 25 million smart. Hehehe. I need my phone to keep in touch with my family. I live alone here in Makati right, so this is the only way to communicate with them. Also, I need phone for work. I receive text messages from my agents informing me that they will be coming in late for work (tama ba ako froggy? Haha) and from my boss regarding some important updates. If you have a boyfriend and or a girlfriend, you probably know why a mobile phone is very important. It lets you know if they are cheating on you or not. Hahaha. Kidding.

Digital Camera (7.5 Mega pixel black slim cam) --- Why on earth would I be tagged as a cam whore if I don’t have a camera right? Her name is Cass. I love her so much. She captures all the important memories of my life. I could never miss a moment --- be it with friends, acquaintances, family and loved ones. Who knows, they might not happen again. So might as well capture the moment while it’s there.

Credit Card, ATM and an extra Globe Prepaid card --- I don’t carry much cash with me because I tend to loose it or spend it LOL, so ATM and credit cards are my best pals. Globe prepaid card because I always always run out of load in a middle of a very important phone calls. It’s always smart to carry an extra globe load right? Haha

iPod --- for cool music and stress management. What’s inside my iPod? --- Exercise soundtrack, cleaning soundtrack, Spa sounds, sizzling sounds, Meal Mellowness, End Road Rage, Personal Enrichment, Quick Laughs and meditation music.

Nivea Hand Moisture Boost Gel Crème – to keep my hands hydrated and refreshed… for that H-H-W-W (holding hands while walking) moments.

Victoria’s Secret Beauty Rush Lip-gloss --- this was given to me by my cousin when she and her family visited us here in the Philippines first quarter of this year. I always want my lips soft… always ready for that tender, gentle kiss… hahaha

Olay Total Effects Facial Cleanser and moisturizer --- midway during my shift, my face tends to look so tired and lifeless, so to keep that fresh look, we need to cleanse and moisturize.

Mouthwash, dental floss, breath spray and deo --- I think this is very much self-explanatory. Brushing just ain’t enough.

Jergen’s Shea Butter Skin Moisturizer --- I had always been fascinated with Shea butter. I like the smell and I like what it does to my skin. My body wash is St. Ives Oatmeal with shea butter. It smells really good, just like the scent you get after a SPA session. Shea butter is known especially for its cosmetic properties as a moisturizer and emollient. It is also a known anti-inflammatory agent. Shea butter can be effective at treating the following conditions: fading scars, eczema, burns, rashes, acne, severely dry skin, blemishes, dark spots, skin discolorations, chapped lips, stretch marks, wrinkles and in lessening the irritation of psoriasis. Shea butter provides natural UV sun protection although the level of protection is extremely variable, ranging from none at all to approximately SPF3 so should not be relied on. Shea butter absorbs rapidly into the skin without feeling greasy.

Gatsby Oil Clear Sheet --- there’s a saying that goes, “Oiliness is next to Ugliness”, so I keep my self shine-free… hahaha

Shades --- its summer and the heat is excruciating. And since I get out of work at 9:30AM (loser me), I really need this to help protect my eyes from the sun.

Rosary, Novena Booklet and prayer book --- I never leave the house without them. I feel safer and more secured when I know that they are just an arms length away from me.

Keys --- to my apartment

Company I.D. --- for proper identification

Pen --- for signing important documents


Call me vain and all, but these are important things to me --- not just to look good but also to feel good about myself.

I think, everyone will agree with me that having a good hygiene will make you more endearing and charming to others.

So, what’s inside your bag?

I wanna know.

Life sucks, then you die

We're all trapped.

Each of us is stuck being who we are. Sometimes we fight to change ourselves, but ultimately this has little effect. We can change what we do, but we cannot change who we are.

If you're a happy person, you don't feel trapped.

If you're surrounded by people who you love and who love you… if you can do what you want to do in life… if you are at peace with who you are why would you ever feel trapped? You wouldn't want to change yourself; you wouldn't need to try.

If you're a happy person, hey, you got lucky! Go back to the previous page, you'll find nothing of interest here.

I am not a happy person.

Well, I used to be. There are days when I am a happy person, but today is not one of those days. Maybe you're not either. Maybe you're too fat, or too thin, too old, or too young. Maybe you're ugly and nobody wants to sleep with you. Maybe everyone wants to sleep with you, but nobody loves you and it's all meaningless. Maybe your body is fucked up and you're in pain all the time. Maybe your mind is fucked up and you're in pain all the time.

So you struggle with all these problems year after year, and you're getting nowhere, and you wonder if anything will ever change. And the unavoidable reality of it all is that, for you, life sucks.

But of course you're not going to give up so easily, you're going to keep struggling to solve your problems, to change yourself, to find happiness, wherever it is, whatever it is.

But still, life sucks.

And you see all these people out there who are blissfully free of your problems, and if they can do it, there must be some way for you to as well.

But they aren't doing you any good at all, they don't understand what it's like being you, and what good would it do you if they did understand?

So, the forces which created you, random or otherwise, have spoken.

And they've determined that, for you..

Well, life sucks.

Culture Jam

Culture is is no longer created by the people.

Our stories, once passed from one generation to the next by parents, neighbours and teachers, are now told by distant corporations with "something to sell as well as tell".

Brands, products, fashions, celebrities, entertainments --- the spectacles that surround the production of culture --- are "our culture" now.

Our role is mostly to listen and watch --- and then, based on what we have heard and seen, to buy.

Why can't the end come now?

I can't think of anything to write today.

All I can think about is how sad I feel - how much it hurts.

It's been another bad day, and I can't express how sad I am. Everything I see makes me sadder. And I just can't stand it. I think I'm going insane.

I have no more strength for this.

No more fortitude.

No more stamina.

It hurts, and I want someone to hold me while I cry ---

…cry out a life of loneliness and sorrow

…cry out the loss of all of my hopes and dreams

…cry out the desperate longings that will never be answered.

I have passed fear and now only know infinite sadness… sadness without measure and without end… a sadness that knows only solutions which can never be.

But rather than make another lengthy Journal entry about how pathetic I am, I'm just going to end it at this.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have something worthwhile to write.

There is no one to help. I am alone.

Destitute.

Empty.

Soulless.

Why can't the end come now?

Today let me let go...

Dear God,

Today let me see that my hurting and pain is a way of showing me I have insecurities that I need to work on. To heal my insecurities is to heal my pain. Today let me find strength and courage to face my insecurities and fears and know that I don't have to look toward another to sooth them.

Today let me relax and feel safe in knowing that sometimes in life the worst that happens to us are often miracles in disguise. Today let me find strength and courage to let go of what is behind me and look with anticipated joy to what magic and wonderful mystery the future may have in store.

Today let me hear my cries. Let me pray for the strength to step away from denial and live my life in forward.Today I pray for freedom through truth. Truth liberates, heals, and transforms. Today let me find strength and courage to stop looking for happiness in things that may or may not come true.

Today let me remember that forgiveness is something I do for me. To forgive is to admit that all people are human and humans make mistakes. Today let me find strength and courage to forgive those who have wronged me.

Today let me feel the warm light of dawn. Let the light show me that each day deserves to be a new day. Today let me find strength and courage to stop living my life in reverse.

Today let me understand that if I am to be without hope I am to be without a part in my life's plan. Today let me find strength and courage to admit my role in my own misery, be it that of victim or that of volunteer.

Today let me touch the hearts of those who love me by admitting to my own pre-occupation with myself lately. Today let me find strength and courage to let go of ego and give the gift of love back to those who love me.

Today let me see.

Today let me relax.

Today let me hear.

Today let me remember.

Today let me feel.

Today let me understand.

Today let me touch.

Today let me let go.

Merry-go-Round

I've made my mistakes.

I've had my ups and downs, my ins and outs, and definately my share of bad breaks. BUT when it's all said and done…

I'll raise a glass over my head and swear to God it's all been fun.

Sometimes I think I am not paying as much attention as I have to while I’m living my life. I know there are more important things than money, success, new cars, and all the material stuff I strive for. I should be enjoying my time here on earth with family, friends, and just plain making a difference in everyone's lives as much as I can.

I don't have to kill myself over work... of course I need to earn my bread each day but now that I actually think about it... why waste most of my precious time over something I’m gonna lose anyway?

You might say that I’m a dreamer, that there's a big and gaping hole in the way I think. You might say, "You can lose friends and family as much as you can lose your job."

You're wrong.

I can always find a job. The next one might not pay as much but it's still somewhere I could get my daily sustenance. With friends and family, it's different.

It's true that hearts can be broken, friendships forgotten... but (if you watched Meet Joe Black this will sound familiar) despite the pain and the abandonment, there is always a happy place you could go back to in your mind.

There you'll find a place full of pretty pictures; pictures you could take even when you're gone from this world.

Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved.

The real milestones are less prepossessing.

They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave…

Our lives are measured by these…And if we can only learn to open our eyes, we have a handful.

The Day I was Reprimanded

I went home to Cavite last weekend as I always do to spend my rest days there. Ever since I broke up with my boyfriend, it seemed logical to be with my family during my rest days than to hang out in my apartment here in Makati alone.

While in the process of sorting my old college stuff, I saw the letter I wrote some 4 years ago addressed to our College Guidance Councilor. It was in response to her letter accusing me of being a “rude” student.

I admit that our guidance councilor and I have a rift that can be traced back when I won the Supreme Student Council elections beating the candidate from the college of nursing. For some strange reason, our guidance councilor seemed to favor her more over me. She even tried to talk to the representatives of the college of health and sciences (Radiologic Technology, Nursing, Physical Therapy and Medicine) and deliberately campaigned for her to ensure victory.

Although I do not have anything against the candidate from nursing, I felt it was very wrong for our guidance councilor to try to manipulate the results of the student body elections. As for me, it doesn’t really matter if I lose or win the elections.

If I win, that’s another accomplishment on my resume but if I lose, that will make my mom happy (she doesn’t want me to take any more responsibilities), give me all the time I need to focus on my studies and make life easier for me --- saving me from the numerous meetings and conferences that I have to attend to.

But in the end, the students have spoken… To my surprise, I won the elections. It was a landslide victory.

Weeks later, our guidance councilor conducted a survey in our class as a requirement to all graduating students. The following day I received a letter from her accusing me of being a rude student. Yes. She used the word “RUDE”. Her letter states that I need to send a response within 24 to 48 hours and if I fail to do so, I will be given a disciplinary action that would appear on my records forever and take me out of list of students running for cum laude.

I went home, talked to my parents about what happened, opened my computer and began typing this letter:


August 19, 2002
Office of the Guidance Councilor
De La Salle University Health and Sciences Campus


Dear Madam:

I was shocked upon receiving a letter handed to me by your secretary last Friday morning, August 17, 2002, regarding my “rude” behavior in class. I was shocked because this is the very first time I had been reprimanded for my behavior. I have always been commended, not rebuked; rewarded, not punished.

More so, I was shocked because I am not “rude” madam.

As a consolation to this “rude” student, you wrote a letter addressed to our beloved College Dean without even discussing the issue with me personally. I felt so disappointed by the sudden turn out of events. I studied at De La Salle University hoping that the school has a system in dealing with things concerning their students. But in this case, it seemed like you have forgotten to follow the step-by-step procedure.

Although it would have been better to personally talk to me and call my attention, which I would be more than willing to comply with, rather than sending a letter to the Dean, here is my letter in response to your request.

Before anything else, I would like to make a few clarifications:

First, it was not my intention to insult anybody, especially you, our well-respected guidance councilor. My behavior was an honest to goodness expression of what I was feeling that day. Prior to the survey conducted in our class, we were having a practice of our jingle which was to be presented Friday afternoon of the same week. We were having some problems with the said presentation but nevertheless; I was in a very good mood that day. I don’t remember ever being rude. My behavior was not even close to being rude. I was at all times, able to keep my moral and values. I was brought up by my parents to respect the elders whatever the situation be.

Second, I don’t have to consult good old Mr. Webster to clearly understand the word “rude”. My classmates can and are willing to attest that I did not, in any way, showed disrespect to you madam. My actions were not impolite, savage or uncivilized as what you allegedly claim them to be. My friends, teachers, and family are more than willing to prove that I am not a rude student should this issue reach the dean.

Third, I don’t think I need to have a refresher course on etiquette and good morals because as far as my memory serves me right, I have behaved and handled myself well last Thursday. I don’t remember ever answering back or texting while you were in front of the class. I don’t remember ever standing or shouting or commenting impolitely to what you were saying. Most of all, I don’t remember ever making a face that could have insulted you in any way. I sat quietly in my chair, listened to you and followed everything that you asked us to do.

Lastly, no one should dare accuse me that I had forgotten all the things that I have learned in the last concluded leadership seminar in Batulao, Batangas because what I’ve learned during the 2-day seminar will always be close to my heart. Whatever happened last Thursday is not sufficient basis to say that I had thrown away all the wonderful realizations that that seminar brought to my life.

Throughout my four-year stay in De La Salle University Health and Sciences Campus, I have committed myself to the promotion of academic excellence and excellence in terms of service, values and moral in the University. I have placed a very high premium on trumpeting DLSU’s achievements if only to instill a deep sense of pride among my fellow La Sallians. I accepted the position as Treasurer and Executive Chairman for Internal and External affairs of the Supreme Student Council with the hope that I could somehow act as a safeguard to the student’s resources. I have devoted my time in writing articles that would help uplift the mental, emotional and spiritual awareness of PT students. Thus, no one should dare accuse me of being rude to any member of this institution.

Meanwhile, if you wish to clarify matters with me, I am most willing to accommodate your inquiries.

Bless you madam.

With all due respect,

Marvin Voltaire Garcia
CPT-SC Treasurer
President, PT Chorale
Editor-in-chief, PT Progress Notes
Treasurer and Executive Chairman DLSU-HSC Supreme Student Council


2 days later, she pulled me out of my class for a one on one interview. She apologized to me and said a lot of things. I can’t remember them anymore because honestly I wasn’t listening to her. After an hour or so of her continuous boring unending explanation, she asked me this question, “Is there anything you would like to tell me before I let you go back to your class?”

I was silent for a moment, looked her in the eye and said, “Yes. In fact I do. I am not certain if I will be graduating as a cum laude this school year… we are just half way the semester and anything can pretty much happen. However, what I am certain of is that I am not graduating as a rude student from this institution and that no one, not even you can ever ruin what I have worked so very hard for all these years. So if you want to raise hell with me, you better be ready, because I am. That’s all.”

Our guidance councilor dropped the charges against me. She did not apologize to me but she also did not finish the school year. After the first semester, she filed her resignation. I never heard anything from her since then.

I will never compromise myself to anyone... at the end of the day, "I'm" all I've got.

Oh and by the way, I graduated cum laude. =)

Is that too much to ask?

U. Thant once said, "Every human being, of whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect others even as we respect ourselves."

So this goes to you.

Yes, you with the beady eyes.

You who are reading through this blog...

Understand that I make my thoughts public because I know I could somehow brighten another person's day. Maybe, in some way, I could influence my reader (you) into appreciating life more. However, understand that you reading through this blog does not mean you know me.

It does not mean we're close.

It does not mean we’re friends.

Never judge me.

What I write here is solely my opinion. And like parallel universes, I know that other opinions exist out there.

Hell, I know that opinions arise and are born from your early morning cereal... or from the depths or shallow waters of my blog.

But respect me.

Respect what I write here.

Respect the people I love and never rub whatever you think I think in their faces... Who knows? You might be translating me wrong.

Certain people have a way of saying things that shake us at the core. Even when the words do not seem harsh or offensive, the impact is shattering. What we could be experiencing is the intent behind the words.

When we intend to do good, we do.

When we intend to do harm, it happens.

What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it. What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent.

We become hypocrites instantly when we judge at face-value. And I know you know... and I trust that you would feel... slighted if a total stranger would go step onto a soapbox and declare to the world how you think and act and feel, every minute of every day, without really knowing or understanding the ramifications of your personality - and how it affects your thoughts and opinions.

RESPECT.

Is that too much to ask?

Memories of my Agents

Some find a moment of happiness, or a smile dances (oh so briefly!) across a tear stained face as these bits and pieces turn back the clock and once again life becomes good and whole and magical.

A story is remembered.

A joke retold.

A laugh bubbles past the tears, and for a few moments, we are suspended in memory. Yesterdays can be painful or joyful.

I was cleaning my mailbox yesterday when I saw the email I sent two of my agents one day before the effectively date of their resignation letters. Saying goodbye had never been this hard. I guess for me, all I really want to say is: “I miss you guys.”

Here’s a copy of that email:


Steffy and Kat,

A lot of people think the purpose of work is for people to apply what they learned in college.

How to deal with others. How to deal with clients. How to get along.

Assimilate.

But I'm telling you, it's not.

We are here to discover and develop our strengths as an individual.

That strength comes from within you, from facing your greatest fears and from not backing down when no one listens or cares or agrees.

When I look at both of you today, I see two matured women who have chosen to harness their power as individuals. And regardless of the outcome of this fight -- I thank you, both of you.

So...

Remember all of the good times and all of the special people that were with you during them.

Let go of the past, but don't forget it because there are a great many things that can be learned from what you have been through.

And most importantly: Follow your heart, Stand up for what you believe in, and take your own path always doing what you want to do.

I will miss you both terribly. Thank you for making me the Supersup for so many consecutive months.

God Bless.


Your former supervisor and forever friend,
Marvin

Someone is copying my blog…

I just found out that someone has copied several of my entries, word per word, and posted it on his blog, passing it off as his entry.

Not only is this stealing intellectual property rights, but the entries he chose to plagiarize happened to be some of my most personal ones. He even copied my idea of placing a little icon before every post.

He even had the nerve to tweak one of my entries written in Tagalog and change it’s title to something that was obviously derived from my title.

And to think he was even asking me for help with editing his photos.

I shall not name him, or his multiply address. I just really feel sad that there are people like him who take advantage of other people.

Needless to say, I am royally p-i-s-s-e-d.

Does this guy totally lack any ideas of his own?

I guess plagiarism is a pitfall of posting your writing on the internet.

If that’s the case, I don’t want to blog anymore.

Somebody Save Me

Hi.

It's been a long time since the first times…

The first time we met... to the first time we kissed... to our first fight... our first good-bye... our first tears... to the last 'I love you.'

People say you never realize what you have until you lose it. In a way... they're right. But I never took you for granted because I knew any day I could wake up and you would be gone…

I just hoped so much it wouldn't be for a very long time.

Now I miss all those things I never really noticed. Like how much I miss your hands holding mine, how you’d sneak into my pad and most of all... I miss your smile.

Yes, I miss your smile.

Ahhh… those smiles… No matter what was going wrong, all you had to do was give me that smile of yours and somehow I knew everything was going to be all right.

I haven't seen that smile forever. I just keep hoping I'll see it again so I can have that feeling that everything is going to be all right again.

I'm not all right.

I'm anything but okay right now.

I just keep wondering if I'm ever on your mind. Or if you ever miss my smile too…

I wonder if you ever wake up in the middle of the night praying that I'll come back.

I miss you so much.

There's nothing I can say that would ever make you understand just what you mean to me. I want more than anything to see your smile again knowing it's for me...

I need something to hold onto…

I need you…

Someone help me.

Or I’ll drown…

Ang kwento ko ay malamang kwento mo rin…

Kung papipiliin ka, ikaw ba ay isang mabuting tao na paminsan-minsan ay nakakagawa ng masama, o isang masamang tao na paminsan-minsan ay nakakagawa ng mabuti?

Ako?

Yung pangalawa ang sagot ko. Kasi pag ang tingin ko sa sarili ko ay mabuti, malulungkot lang ako tuwing makakagawa ako ng masama. Pero pag ang tingin ko sa sarili ko ay masama, matutuwa ako tuwing makakagawa ng mabuti sa ibang tao.

At maganda yun dahil sawa na akong malungkot.

Kailangan ba talagang isaalang-alang ang ibang tao bago mo masabing dapat ka ngang maging masaya? Hindi ka ba pwedeng maging masaya, dahil lang gusto mong maging masaya?

Bakit maraming taong mahilig makialam sa kaligayahan ng iba? Malamang dahil iniisip nilang wala kang karapatang maging masaya. Pero mas malamang na wala kasing nagpapasaya sa buhay nila.

Mas napapasaya ka ba ng sarili mo? O ng ibang tao? Masama ba kung masaya ka sa buhay dahil sa mga nagawa mo para sa sarili mo, at hindi dahil sa mga nagawa mo para sa ibang tao at mga nagawa ng ibang tao para sa iyo?

Hindi siguro masama, pero malungkot. Na lalong nagpapagulo sa usapan. Isipin mo, malulungkot ka dahil ikaw lang ang nagpapasaya sa iyo?

Babalikan mo ang mga bagay na bumuo ng mga araw mo sa loob ng maraming taon. Naging masaya ka nga ba? O niloko mo lang ang sarili mo na masaya ka?

Kung kailangan mo pang kumbinsihin ang sarili mo na dapat ka ngang maging masaya, paano mo masasabing masaya ka nga?

Kaya naman sisimulan mo ang paghahanap ng kaligayahan. Ikaw ay hihiling, maghihintay, aasa at mabibigo.

Paulit-ulit.

Ayos lang sa iyo. Tutal, pangako mo, kapag nahanap mo na ang hinahanap mo, magiging masaya ka na 'di ba?

Ang mahirap maintindihan, bakit kapag nasa harap mo na ang isang bagay na maaaring magpasaya sa iyo, saka ka naman magtatanong, "Ano ba ang nagawa ko, bakit dumating sa buhay ko ang magandang bagay na ito?" Maiisip mong hindi ka karapat-dapat, kaya't ikaw ay lalayo at muling maghahanap.

Ano nga ba ang hinahanap mo? Hindi mo ba napapansin na may mga bagay hindi hinahanap pero kusang nagagawi sa landas mo?

Kailan mo kaya maiisip na hindi mo kailangang maging espesyal na tao para dumating ang isang magandang bagay na babago sa iyo?

Para iyon sa iyo, dahil ikaw ay ikaw. Hindi na kailangan ng dahilan. Bawat isa ay nararapat lang na maging masaya.
Sa halip tuloy na masaya ka na, pinalulungkot mo ang sarili mo sa pag-iisip kung paano ka nga ba sasaya.

May sense naman diba?

So masaya ka na ba talaga?

Napakasuwerte mo naman palang nilalang...

Ikaw.

Oo, ikaw nga!

Napakasuwerte mo sa lahat ng mga taong nagpakatanga at nagpapakatanga sayo! Naisip mo na ba kung ilang dagat na ang pwedeng mabuo mula sa mga luhang tumulo dahil sayo? Masarap ba ang pakiramdam ng iniiyakan kahit buhay ka pa?!
Masaya?!

Ilang tanga na ba ang naliwanagan dahil dumating ka sa buhay nila? Ilang henyo na ba ang nabobo sa kaiisip sayo? ilang bochog na ba ang nangayayat sa kakahabol sayo? ilang patpatin na ba ang nakabuhat ng grand piano dahil minahal ka nila?

Nakakatawang isipin at pagtanda siguro natin mahirap paniwalaan, na minsan sa buhay ng batang iyon, ikaw ang naging tampok ng kanyang mga pangarap.

Minsan naman sadyang dumadating sa mga relasyon yung pagkakataon na kailangang bumitaw o mabitawan, makasakit o masaktan. Malas mo na nga lang kung ikaw yung iniwan pero hindi eh. Talagang masuwerte ka kasi ikaw yung nang-iwan. Pero kahit ganoon na nga ang papel mo, lalabas ka pa ring bida at dakila kasi sasabihin ng mokong na to, Hindi ko siya masisisi. Akonaman talaga ang may kasalanan.

Ayos!

Ilang utak na ba ang binabagabag mo gabi-gabi? Ilang nilalang na ang hindi nakakatulog sakaiisip sayo? Ilang mga mata na ang parang namagang fishball sa umaga dahil sa magdamag napag-iyak sa alaala mo?

Alam mo ba na para kang bubblegum sa bumbunan nung taong mahal na mahal ka? Pilit na kinukutkot pero sa huli malagkit pa rin. Para kang mantika sa platong hindi maalis-alis kahit nakalimang banlaw na lalo na kung walang Joy Ultra Calamansi. Para kang monthly period na after three days akala wala na pero may taghabol pa pala.

Isa man yan, o isang barkada, maswerte ka pa rin. Hindi ba nakakataba ng puso ang malamang may isang nilalang na iinom ng isang shot ng nana at isang kilong taba para lang sayo? Na kahitlasunin mo ng racumin, para pa ring tutang susunod sayo.

Kung ganon pwede ka nang lumundag mula sa Eiffel Tower at makakasigurado kang sa langit pa rin ang bagsak mo dahil may isang nilalang na makikipagbargain kay satanas para sa kaluluwa mo.

Sabihin mo nang hindi ka naman ganon; nainiiwan ka rin at nasasaktan; na hindi moginustong magpakapraning sila sayo; na hindi ka ganon kalupit at karahas; na may puso ka ringmamon.

Pero wala kang magagawa.

Wala akong magagawa.

Wala silang magagawa.

MAHAL KITA EH...THAT'S LIFE!!

I Know Better

I am not like that now.

I know better.

I know now that people lie, and promises can be broken as quick as they are made.

I understand that I might never be loved, and too quickly good things fly in front of my eyes before I can reach out and grab them.

I know that I can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. Also, there isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if I'm standing alone for awhile, that's why.

Not everything in life comes easy, but when I work the hardest, that's when it's the best.

I can't always expect people to care, and even when my best friends stab me in the front, I don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for my back. They missed for a reason.

I found out to soon, that in the end, I am my own best friend.

Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not, its gonna hurt like hell. But I can't stop it. I can't change my fate.

Some things are meant to be and all the pain I go through will end up resulting in something huge. I don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit me like a ton of bricks.

At some point, when I have experienced everything I can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to me anymore. But I won't try to change it. Stuff like that is meant to happen.

Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on me. And that happens because that's the way it supposed to be. But I'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter.

But it might catch me off guard and happen sooner.

So i better watch out.

I know better.

Really.

I do.

Wandering Wonders

Last night I sat thinking about all my past relationships: the good ones, the bad ones, the ones that never meant a single thing to me --- and I suddenly thought about you.

At the beginning everything seemed perfect: the times you made me laugh, the moments we spent alone, the phone calls we shared every night. You were the one thing in my life that truly made me happy…

Then everything started to change. Instead of the laughs, the tears started to form, then the jealousy, the pain --- and you were out of my life.

Now I sit here thinking. The moments of sadness I felt never compared to the few times of happiness I experienced when we were still together. I wonder how I ever let you go? It was pure love. And if we had only realized that before.

Four months later, here I am, alone in my bed with only Pressy to keep me company all night, wondering… does it hurt you to look at all the places we've been? Do you get that tiny smile that tugs at your lips for one, small, insignificant instant and then it disappears as quickly as it came as the realization of what we have become hits you?

I'm just wondering, does it hurt you when you are nearing my pad, or my doorway, or that spot were I used to stand waiting for you to come home? Do you visualize my figure waiting there for you, only to discover that when you reach for it, I'm nowhere in sight?

I'm just wondering, does it hurt you to know that I'm afraid to talk to you? What do I say to someone who has hurt me, confused me, and broken me beyond measures but whom I still love more than words can express?

I'm just wondering, does it hurt you when my eyes meet yours and then dart quickly away? Does it bother you when I look at you with no expression and turn and walk the other way?

I'm just wondering, does it hurt you to know that every time I see you I feel like crying? That when I see your face something inside of me dies just a little bit more, or when I see you frown I want more than anything to kiss your pain all away… but then I realize I am your pain...

I'm just wondering...

Wondering how you are feeling...

Wondering where you are…

Wondering who you’re with…

Wondering…

If you are hurting too...

Like I do…

RAINBOWS

As kids we are taught that a rainbow has seven colors. But as we grow older, we realize that there are other shades, hues and subtleties that are not taught to us.

Now, they remain unnamed.

But as we grow older, the more colors we see in a rainbow.

As we go on with life, we realize that scholars’ teachings are, in most cases, far from what reality has to say.

Like a rainbow, life is full of complexities.

Life is full of variations.

And the further and deeper we go through it, the more colors we see.

I pray that we find understanding when we are faced with division, and may we be dominated by equality when we discover difference.

This blog is a tribute to unity in diversity, dignity and a celebration of life.

For a moment, I seriously thought about discontinuing this blog for some obvious reasons. First, people are not reading them anyway. Second, I don’t think it’s serving its purpose. I only make people sad, which is far from what I envisioned my posts to be. Lastly, I always receive nasty comments from anonymous judgmental people.

But then again, I always remember what my mother tells me when I was still a kid. She would hold me in her arms and would tell me this: “Remember this, you have got to believe in yourself. Ignore those who try to discourage you. Don’t give up and don’t give in. Dare to speak your mind. Dare to make a difference. Dare to love… Because in the end it will be okay, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end”

And she would tuck me to bed and kiss me good night. My mom tells me this every single night from kindergarten to fourth grade to junior high. I grew up living those words… well, sometimes…

If only for my mom, I would have long stopped writing. I would have long given up on my dream as a writer.

But just like the rainbow, which symbolizes hope in the bible, I will always be here…

After the rain…

After the storm…

I will be here… and no one’s stopping me.

Not you… yes, you.

Not even you.

I write to express not to impress.

I am moving on, hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

When someone you love abandons you, it doesn't hurt just because they've changed, or lied, or went back on their promises. But because you know what they really are and what a beautiful person they can be…

And when they take that away from you and won't let you see that beautiful person again, nothing hurts more than having someone just decide to take your entire world away without consulting you first.

I am moving on… And if I feel the need to cry, I will. But it will not be for the heart ache you've made, but for not we might have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that I felt, but I will cry because of the love that I was never able to share, with the one guy I fell for.

I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the guy who left.

I am moving on… And I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left, but that once you stayed. No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much... I will try not to think of you… When I wake up in the morning I will try not to ask myself if somehow you are also awake.

I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of.

No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my breakfast wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in, just to have some privacy to sadly think of you, cry or do some foolish things because of you.

I've had enough.

I'll try to hold back the tears when I think of you. I'll just try to smile. And no, never will I again think of you last, when I go to sleep…

Sleep is my only rest, so please don't plague me in my dreams.

I will give my affections to any guy who is in need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give him the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours…

Worthy or not worthy of it, at least he's here, you're not.

I am moving on...

Hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

Broken Break-ups

Isn't it funny how you can think you're completely over someone but if you drive past his house, stumble upon a meaningful song you both shared, see a picture of you together, or even get a glance of him on the street.... just in an instant, it can change all that…

And then you start to remember the pain… and that hollow space is feeling more and more like the Grand Canyon with every second that goes by…

But you bury these feelings deep down… so deep that you're sure no one will be able to tell.

To the outside world, you smile and act like nothing is wrong or will ever be.

Everything's just perfect.

And for that split second that you've locked eyes… a tiny whisper… say 'make this last forever, only and just this moment forever and ever'…

But after a second or so, you go along your own merry way, all the while realizing how much you do miss him, how much you still love him... and it sticks with you for days, weeks, maybe months, until fate decides to hand you another one of those unexpected moments.

And then you finally understand the worst feeling in the world is when the person you love most is standing right next to you, yet you can never have them. Try as you may, you can't make someone love you again…

And in relationships, the hardest thing to do is not moving on but not looking back…

Breaking up isn’t the worst part of breaking up…

But living with it…

One day you’ll get it

There's this image I keep coming back to...

I'm ten-years-old. My mom and dad took me to see “Terminator 2: Judgement Day”. There I was, fourth row center, flanked by my parents.

And in walks this guy with another guy. Probably our age now. They plop down right in front of me... and proceed to make-out for the entire movie.

I couldn't believe it.

I couldn't believe that anyone would rather kiss than watch this action, sci-fi, thriller unfold on the screen.

At one point, I tapped the guy on the shoulder and he looked back at me, like, "One day you'll get it kid."

Here it is all these years later, and I’m not that guy who goes to the movies and makes out in the balcony, and I’m not that kid who sat between his parents...

I'm this third person who’s too busy analyzing everything to actually sit back and enjoy the show.

I mean those other two guys, at least they’re having fun.

I'm not anymore...

Miss You To Bits

You know what’s funny?

Those things that you did when we were together that would always piss me off are the things that I miss the most...

You know when you'd never stop talking to me when I was trying to watch my favorite teleserye or when I’m trying to finish a book…

How you would always be a smart ass, or how about all the times when you insisted that you loved me more...

How you’d hide all of my DVDs because you wanted us to talk…

How you’d always manage to intentionally swap our Zagu orders and confess to me what you did after I’m almost done drinking the Zagu variant that was supposed to be yours.

When you’d secretly sneak on my bag to look for cigarette to check if I smoke when I’m not home… and if you do find one, you’d hide my lighter and throw away my cigar… go back to sleep and pretend like nothing happened. (I saw all the “missing” cigarette packs on top of my closet).

When you’d deliberately adjust my alarm clock 30 minutes past my shift because you want to spend more time with me and I always end up logging in late for work.

When you’d pretend to be sick but all of a sudden get better after I inform my mom that I won’t be able to come home to Cavite. You’d then invite me to watch a movie or dine out.

When you'd playfully make fun of me for saying something wrong…

When you'd pick me up and carry me along the streets of Filmore on our way back home from Cash and Carry... and I'd fight you because people could see us but you just don't care...

When you'd call me later than you were supposed to...

When you’d purposely pretend to be done studying for your finals only to find out later that you lied because you wanted to see me.

When you’d always order extra rice and I always end up gaining those unwanted extra pounds.

How you’d always insist for me to tell you the color of the shirt I’m gonna wear and then showing up with the same exact shade. We’re always “terno” when we go to the malls.

Those are the things I want back.

It's weird.

I used to think that since we're far apart from each other, I'd be glad I wouldn't have to put up with all of them...

But now, honestly...

Those are the things I miss the most.

When the tears are not enough...

Tears flow from my eyes in little misguided river paths…

Maybe if I had only been able to hug you once more, or hold your hand as you left. Maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so much.

Maybe then I would be able to understand why I am left here alone.

It was once said, “Who do you turn to when the one who can stop your tears is the one who is making you cry?”

I wish they had found an answer…

Maybe then losing you would be easier for me to deal with.

But the thought of life without you is too painful to bear…

It actually hurts…

Like a cut on my skin, only the cut is much deeper…

It’s on my heart.

Only One

There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world.

Some are running scared...

Some are coming home...

Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth...

Some are evil men at war with the good and some are good struggling with evil...

6 billion people in the world...

6 billion souls...

And…

Sometimes...

All you need is ONE...

Just ONE...

My Dearest Penguin

Dear Penguin,

You asked me before where I went. And I want to tell you. I went to a place where nothing's right, where every moment's backwards, every sky's without color, without hope.

I tried to come back, Penguin. But I got lost...

And while I was gone, I met you...

And I didn't even have the courage to realize I was home.

A wise friend of mine told me "we all have our homes", and now I know it's true. I hope you get this letter, Penguin. I figure I got 75 chances...

Because if you do, you'll know that in the end, that's where I was...

I found home, Penguin.

I found you.

I hope you can find yours soon.

Get there --- as fast as you can.

And write me when you do.

In love with you always,

Marvin

Wonder Years

I was alone having coffee in my favorite restaurant one lazy Saturday afternoon, and I couldn't help overhearing two kids taking turns asking each other what they want to be when they grow up. Like all the other kids I asked this question to, one wants to be a doctor because he would like to help the sick, the other one wants to be a pilot someday. Their conversation was really funny in a serious kind of way or serious in a funny kind of way, but that's how kids have always been -- spontaneous, adventurous and they all have big dreams for the future.

So right at that moment, I thought to myself, when I was a kid, what did I wanted to be when I grow up?

It took some time for me to remember that at one point in my young life, I wanted to be a lawyer. I had a relative who was a lawyer and when my mom and I visit him in his office, he was always dressed up and he looked really stylish and neat. So I thought I wanted to be just like him someday (not to marry him okay. My sexual preferences and orientation were still pretty much intact when I was a kid).

I have an aunt who was a pre-school teacher for so many years. So there was a short period in my life that I wanted to be like her, I thought all she did is play with the kids. But then, she always had to work till late in the evening checking papers and preparing exams. So that didn't last either.

I also wanted to be pilot because I've always wanted to see the world. While other kids wanted to be a doctor or an engineer, I wanted to be a nurse so I can take care of my parents and grandparents (without having to spend so many years in school).

I forgot all the other dreams I had, but I am sure of something, it was a lot. And looking back, I realized that I didn't get to be anything that I dreamed myself to be. I took up my course (Bachelor of Science in Physical Therapy, De La Salle University Health Sciences Campus) in college because, it was, as I was told, the most "in demand" field at that time and not because that was where my heart was. I've grown to love it though but mainly because I had to, I thought of shifting to another course but I got scared of change. I graduated cum laude and topped my board exams.

But there are days when I'm curious about what my life would have been like if I pursued even one of my childhood dreams.

Maybe, just maybe, I'd be happier. Maybe, I'd have more energy to do what I have to accomplish for more than 8 hours of my life each day. Maybe, I'd feel more fulfilled.

Maybe…

But I realized that I had a choice and I decided to choose the choices I made. It may not be the best, but I learned to accept things as they come and be thankful for whatever I have. Sure, I made mistakes. And yes, I made the wrong decisions. But no matter how big or how little those mistakes were, I learned a lot from each one of them. And it made me the kind of person that I am now.

I may not be as successful as what I envisioned myself to be, or I may not be as rich, or not at all famous. But I'm proud of the fact that I'm making the most out of my life and with what I have. And I'm quite happy with how my life turned out.

Everyday, we face a lot of choices. We answer a lot of questions. Where to eat, what to wear, what road to take, whether to stay or to go, whether to take the promotion or to move on to other things. It's hard to take the "other" route when you're comfortable wherever it is that you are. But there are decisions in life worth doing just for the heck of it --- to grow and to continue to be challenged. Because after all, that's what living is about.

Come to think of it, I didn't become a nurse, but I took care of my grandparents when they got sick a few years back. I didn't become a pilot, but I had the chance to see other places and countries. I didn't become a teacher, but I know that you don't necessarily have to be one to teach people what you know about life…

So that only leaves being a lawyer…

Well, three out of four ain't that bad, right?

Color Everywhere

Color is a form of energy.

This energy affects us both physically and emotionally. From packaging in the products we buy to the color of suit and tie a lawyer wears, color is used all over in our world to influence us.

Below is a list of colors, their meanings, and suggestions on using them:

Red.

It’s known for being a "power color".

In small amounts it can promote positive thinking. On the other hand, too much of a good thing can create irritability, nervousness, stress and even anger.

Use a red appointment book to emphasize your importance in the world.

Orange.

Lifts your spirit.
Creates vitality.

Can be a great antidepressant.

Try a glass of fresh orange juice in the morning to get a peppy start on the day.

Yellow.

The color of happiness.

This color creates an optimistic attitude.

Good for helping make decisions.

Can't make up your mind? Use a yellow legal pad to list pros and cons.

Green.

Lowers stress and gives a feeling of comfort.

Add some more plants to your home or office.

If you are a serial plant murderer like myself, fake ones will work! ;o)

Blue.

Relaxes the body and opens the mind.

Be a kid again sometime and lie in the grass and watch the sky.

Purple .

The color of royalty.

Promotes self confidence.

Also the color of passion.

Buy yourself or the love in your life a bouquet of Freesia.

Don't go overboard.

Sometimes too much of a good thing can have ill effects.

You Complete Me Not

The misconception of humans about love and relationship is that having someone with us will make us complete.

But the fact is, Love is extending one's self to another. It means that before we enter a relationship, we should already be COMPLETE.

Otherwise, if we think that having someone will make us complete, it's not a relationship. It's dependence and it may not work out.

When you are happy about yourself and you learn to love yourself, you may probably need not a partner (to a certain extent).

Right now, I'm trying to love myself more and to accept completeness. What happens next will be another story.

But for some who may be losing hope, this affirmation may help:

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gold mine you are, doesn't mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be topped, doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share your life, doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile, doesn't give you permission to stop running.
Just because no one has realized how much of a man/woman you are, doesn't mean they can affect your masculinity or femininity.

Just because no one has come to take the loneliness away, doesn't mean you have to settle for a lower quality.

Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.

Just because you deserve the very best there is, doesn't mean that life is always fair.

Just because God is still preparing your king/queen, doesn't mean that you're not already queen/king.

Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now, doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining…

Keep running…

Keep hoping…

Keep dreaming...

Keep praying…

Keep being exactly what you are already.

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow.

If they succeed in loving the distance between them, this makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.

I think most of us do

I think I noticed when things started to change...

I think most of us do...

The hugs were quicker, the phone calls were shorter, and they weren't every night. We didn't hurry to the place where we said we'd meet. The "I love you's" felt more like a forced, daily routine, and really had no meaning.

When we saw each other, the smiles weren't as bright, or as big. Our thoughts weren't only of each other.

We seemed uninterested…

We felt unloved.

We had too many doubts...

I think I noticed when things started to change...

I think most of us do.

Questioning Christianity

Question: If God created everything, then didn’t he create hell, too? If he created hell, then is hell good, since everything God created was good?

Answer: Hell is primarily an eternal state of separation between God and those creatures (angels and humans) who have permanently chosen to reject him. God created free will, which is good, but hell is the result of the abuse of free will. God did not create hell; he only allowed for its possibility. Thus it cannot be said that hell is good.

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Question: Can God do literally anything? Make square circles? Make 1 + 1 = 72? If he can't do these things, is it safe to say that he cannot do literally "anything"?

Answer: God can do all things that are possible (Matt. 19:26). He cannot do what is, for him, impossible, including to sin or to create logical impossibilities (e.g., square circles, mathematical errors, rocks too heavy for him to lift). While God can do things that are impossible for man (Luke 18:27), he cannot do what is impossible for himself.
This does not mean that God is not omnipotent; it means only that his power does not negate itself.

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Question: Is it necessary to confess how many times one has sinned?

Answer: To the best of your ability you should confess how many times you committed each grave sin. The Code of Canon Law is clear on this point:

A member of the Christian faithful is obliged to confess in kind and number all grave sins committed after baptism and not yet remitted directly through the keys of the Church nor acknowledged in individual confession, of which the person has knowledge after diligent examination of conscience. (CIC 988)

If you don’t know an exact number, you can give a best estimate or provide an approximation (e.g., "several times"). If you forget to do this or later remember additional occurrences of grave sins, your sins are still forgiven, but you should remember to acknowledge those sins at your next confession.

An Ode to a Friend

Sometimes someone comes into your live and changes everything, raises the standards, makes you laugh, and makes you feel like you.

When I look back at my life, I can recall very few times where I felt really grateful of the things that came my way. One such instance was a few months ago when, in the midst of my dull dreary life, I met Merito Niño Miguel.

Looking back, it’s easy to get melodramatic about the experiences we had to go through as friends. Just writing this takes me back on that rainy Saturday night when I first met him in person at SM North EDSA, alongside two of his friends.

I met Merito through Jon, a friend from an online community who happens to be one of Merito’s best buds. With his wit and charms, we instantly hit as friends and soon found ourselves enjoying hours of chatting on the net --- from the most trivial to the most consequential stuff.

Boy I tell you, this guy is loaded. He doesn’t even have to work a single day of his oh-so-fabulous life to survive. But don’t mistake him to mere material stuff. Fact of the matter is he’s got way more than that.

Standing at a statuesque height of 5'10, Merito has the body to die for. He has the fairest skin of all and a smile that literally tells toothpaste commercial models, “Alright, you may now retire.” But Merito is more than just what pleases the eye, he is brilliant, good-natured and funny. No one but him could ever deliver punch lines that will keep you laughing your ass out… and I mean literally laughing your ass out for several hours at that.



His attention-grabbing smile may seem to send off a delicate façade, but behind it, incontestably, is one tough guy who is driven towards achieving his goals in life. Albeit younger, he has always been a “kuya” to me, always giving me advices on love and on life.

Merito is a seasoned survivor. He had been through a lot himself. Hearing his stories and the sacrifices he had to endure for the sake of his family and friends make me admire him more. Where others would have walked away out of humiliation and shame, Merito faced life head high, keeping his morals and principles intact --- a living proof that you can never put a good guy down.

Sometimes we stand outside life --- waiting for a door to open to us, hoping the person behind that door will let us in and be our friend. I was once on the outside until a door opened to me and behind it I found not only a friend in Merito, but a whole new world --- a brotherhood, in the arms of his warm welcoming friends.

Now I stand behind that door on the inside, helping to open it for someone else who stands where I once stood. From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it.

Without even realizing it, Merito taught me a lot of things, not only about life, but about what true friendships can be like.

Please do me a favor Merito and never give up... not on yourself, not on other people, not on your dreams... not on anything.

Philippine TV Gone Astray

The problem with most news organizations in the Philippines (and probably everywhere) is that they are owned by corporations and as such, they are constrained by commercial considerations in their operations and time slots.

This year being an election year, news organizations will play a big role in the way people will vote. Afterall, the news is the people’s primary source of information with regards to candidates and platforms. It is therefore important that news organizations present what the voters need. It is their duty, if you ask me.

Unfortunately, most of them are governed by the avarice of profits, hence they are constrained by ratings and ads.

Take for example ABS-CBN’s Forum 2007. It aims to expose senatorial candidates and their ideas to the voting public. However, it is shown on ANC, which is on cable TV, thus the number of people who can watch is limited. It is shown on Channel 2, but at 4AM, who’s going to watch it?

GMA7, on the other hand, has The Philippine Agenda. Instead of dealing with candidates, the show instead focuses on issues that affects the country. It is shown on Channel 7 on Sundays, 7PM. By limiting the show on issues, the producers hope ” to raise viewers’ level of concern and awareness on the country’s recurring problems so that, in turn, they can make sound choices come election day”.

What the people need to know is where do candidates stand on these issues. I’m afraid the GMA show will not address the question at all.

ABS-CBN is unwilling to sacrifice its primetime slots because it is trying to catch up with GMA7, while GMA7 has decided to present something half-useful. The TV news organizations somehow fail to fulfill their functions as conduits of needed information.

I hope radio, online, and print media fare better. But among these, TV is the most potent, and yet most impotent.

My Little Sheltered Delusions

If there were ever a compilation of mourns and rants produced, I guarantee you, this would not be one of them. It's not long, it's not clever, it's not intense, it's not angry, it's not happy, and it's definitely not brilliant.

I'm done.

I've taken all that I can handle, and now I just want out.

I want to be gone.

I want everything to be fresh.

I've given, taken, agreed, approved and walked away bitter. If you consider life a game, the 4th quarter just ended. I wasn't even close to the last quarter, but I think I'm passed the point where I even care.

I played out of my league, out of my style, and out of control.

I'm not the type of person who goes after things. I'm the type who lets life wash whatever tidbits in me that has no longer use.

When I got off my little island to pursue things not so dead and rotting, I discovered life is a little deep.

I can't swim.

I am drowning.

I can only hope that someday destiny will bring me back to my little piece of dry land, where things may not have been good, but at least I could breathe. I must wash all memories of this nightmare out of my mind. I must go back to my little sheltered delusions. I must return to the oblivion that was.

And yet, who am I kidding? It can't be.

No matter how much sun courses through my body while I'm sprawled on the sand, the vision of the water will never disappear. It will haunt me.

What if I had made it?

What if things had worked?

What if life had gone my way?

Meet my new Baby

Name: Compaq Presario V3304TU

Birthday: April 2, 2007

Age: 1 day old

Status: It's complicated

Processor: Intel Core 2 Duo processor T5500
Display: 14.1” WXGA High definition Brightview Widescreen Display (1280x800)
120GB (5400RPM) Hard drive
1024MB 1GB DDR2 SDRAM (2 Dimm)
Intel Graphics Media Accelerator 950 with shared graphics memory
LightScribe Super Multi 8X DVD RW with Double Layer Support
Intel PRO/ Wireless 3945a/b/g 802.11a/b/g/ WLAN and Bluetooth
5-in-1 Digital Media Reader
Express Card/54 PC Card Slot
Expansion Port 3
6-Cell Lithium Ion Battery
Operating System: Genuine Windows Vista Premium
Genuine Microsoft Office 2007

So what do you think of my new baby?