Saan ka ba papunta?

Tumatanda ka na, tol.

Nasa Friday Magic Madness na yung mga paborito mong kanta. Nakaka-relate ka na sa Classic MTV. Lesbiana na yung kinaaaliwan mong child star dati. Nanay na lagi ang role ng crush na crush mong matinee idol noon.

Dati, pag may panot, sisigaw ka agad ng "PENDONG!". Ngayon, pag may sumisigaw nun, ikaw na yung napapraning. Parang botika na ang cabinet mo. May multivitamins, vitamin E, vitamin C, royal jelly, tsaka ginko biloba.

Dati, laging may inuman. Sa inuman, may lechon, sisig, kaldereta, inihaw na liempo, pusit, at kung anu-ano pa. Ngayon, nagkukumpulan na lang kayo ng mga kasama mo sa Starbucks at oorder ng tea.

Wala na ang mga kaibigan mo noon.

Ang dating masasayang tawanan ng barkada sa canteen, napalitan na ng walang katapusang pagrereklamo tungkol sa kumpanya ninyo. Wala na ang best friend mo na lagi mong pinupuntahan kapag may problema ka. Ang lagi mo na lang kausap ngayon e ang kaopisina mong hindi ka sigurado kung binebenta ka sa iba pag nakatalikod ka. Ang hirap nang magtiwala.

Mahirap nang makahanap ng totoong kaibigan. Hindi mo kayang pagkatiwalaan ang kasama mo araw-araw sa opisina. Kung sabagay, nagkakilala lang kayo dahil gusto ninyong kumita ng pera at umakyat sa tinatawag nilang "corporate ladder". Anumang pagkakaibigang umusbong galing sa pera at ambisyon ay hindi talaga totoong pagkakaibigan. Pera din at ambisyon ang sisira sa inyong dalawa.

Pera. Pera na ang nagpapatakbo ng buhay mo.

Alipin ka na ng Meralco, PLDT, SkyCable, Globe, Smart, at Sun. Alipin ka ng Midnight Madness. Alipin ka ng tollgate sa expressway. Alipin ka ng credit card mo. Alipin ka ng ATM. Alipin ka ng BIR.

Dati-rati masaya ka na sa isang platong instant pancit canton. Ngayon, dapat may kasamang italian chicken ang fettucine alfredo mo. Masaya ka na noon pag nakakapag-ober-da-bakod kayo para makapagswimming. Ngayon, ayaw mong lumangoy kung hindi Boracay o Puerto Galera ang lugar.

Dati, sulit na sulit na sa yo ang gin pomelo. Ngayon, pagkatapos ng ilang bote ng red wine, maghahanap ka ng San Mig Light o Vodka Cruiser.

Wala ka nang magawa. Sumasabay ang lifestyle mo sa income mo. Nagtataka ka kung bakit hindi ka pa rin nakakaipon kahit tumataas ang sweldo mo. Yung mga bagay na gusto mong bilhin dati na sinasabi mong hindi mo kailangan, abot-kamay mo na. Pero kahit nasa iyo na ang mga gusto mong bilhin, hindi ka pa rin makuntento.

Saan ka ba papunta?

Tol, gumising ka. Hindi ka nabuhay sa mundong ito para maging isa lang sa mga baterya ng mga machines sa Matrix. Hanapin mo ang dahilan kung bakit nilagay ka rito. Kung ang buhay mo ngayon ay uulit-ulit lang hanggang maging singkwenta anyos ka na, magsisisi ka. Lumingon ka kung paano ka nagsimula, isipin ang mga tao at mga bagay na nagpasaya sa yo. Balikan mo sila.

Ikaw ang nagbago, hindi ang mundo.

It is not what it is

Most of us are preoccupied with things that in the final analysis will not count much. We waste our lives pursuing the wrong dreams fuelled by misguided visions. We are often obsessed with what we are not and what we don’t have.

Why don’t we focus instead on what we are and whatever we have, no matter how little? Why not spend our lives in fervent gratitude for these and celebrate life selflessly with others?

Life really depends on our priorities and points of view. Here are a few reminders to wake us up to what really matters:

It is not where you come from; it is where you’re going that matters.
Don’t worry where you are coming from. If you are already at the top, there is nowhere to go but down. But if you are coming from the bottom, there is a lot of space to grow. Where you come from is not so important; it is where you want to go and where you your dreams to take you that matters.

It is not what you have; it is how you use it.
You may have a brilliant mind but if you don’t harness it, it’s useless. You may have all the material possessions in the world but if you don’t enjoy and share them, you might as well have nothing. You may have all the talents in the world but if you don’t exploit them, they will be of no use to you and others. Thank the universe for the gifts you’ve been given, develop and utilize them to the max.

It is not what you say; it is what you do that counts.
What you say, even when expressed in the most profound words, means nothing if it is not followed by action. Everything you speak must be substantiated and supported by your deeds. Action speaks louder than words. Prove that believe in what you say by practicing what you preach. Walk the talk!

It is not what you do; it is how you do it that counts.
Even if you are just a lowly janitor, endeavor to be the best janitor that you can be. It is really how you go about what you do that makes all the difference. Perform your job with genuine joy and infectious enthusiasm, and soon, people will notice you and reward you. Furthermore, as they say, “It is not whether you win or lose but how you play the game.” Play the game with honesty, dignity and love.

It is not what you receive; it is what you give that counts.
In this life, we receive everything. But ironically, we cannot really keep anything. Everything belongs to God and we are merely His custodians for the moment. We must share whatever blessings we have with others. Anything hoarded is useless and will lose its value. We were born with nothing and cannot bring anything when we finally go.

It is not how much money you have; it is how you use and share it.
People often say, “When I get rich, I’ll be happy.” Truth is that there are many people who are filthy rich but are desperately miserable; there are people who live simpler lives but are actually so much happier. Money cannot buy true and lasting happiness. are the goods and services money can buy and experience insurmountable joy.

It is not the hardships you suffer; it is what you learn that matters.
Life is one big course and the universe one huge university. Every experience, good or bad, brings with it precious gems of knowledge and enlightenment. Concentrate on the life lessons that you learn from your travails, not the pain and the hardships they bring. The diploma you will earn from the school of life is wisdom.

It is not what’s on the outside but what’s inside that counts.
What good is a beautiful and attractively packaged box if there is nothing of value inside it? In this day and age, we put so much emphasis on packaging and presentation, not true worth. But just as we should not judge a book by its cover, we should never judge people from their looks alone. Get to know what’s inside that person---real treasures are found within.

It is not quantity but the quality that matters.
What good is accumulating many things when they have no real worth? So your life will not be stressed with clutter, be very discriminating about acquiring possessions. Be quality, not quantity conscious. The same hold true for time you share with your love ones and friends. Make sure to provide them quality time. These precious moments are what create a quality life.

It is not how you conform; it is the difference you make that counts.
Conforming to society is fine but only up to a certain degree. Don’t be controlled by other people and end up like puppet on a string moving to their dictates. Never lose your individuality and personal values. Remember that it is the positive difference you contribute to the world that will eventually matter.

It is not how old you are; it is how young you think, feel and dream.
Age only matters if you are wine cheese or an antique. Realize that you are never too old for anything in this world. Never too old to live, love, learn, lust and laugh. You are never too old to dream and achieve. As long as you are alive, hope springs eternal. Don’t ever get discouraged from climbing the impossible Mount Everest of your life.

It is not their life you are living; it’s your life and yours alone!
It is not what others say, it is what you feel and want that really matter. Live life with the awareness that your choices bring about consequences that you will either savor or suffer from. Live your life for yourself, for what you believe in, for what you value. But realize that your thoughts, feelings and actions have a crucial and irreversible impact on other people’s lives.

I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end, we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, of chance and in the peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all.

Life's funny that way... once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

Have a Blessed and Fruitful weekend everyone!

I love you all!

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

Isn't it funny how one person can walk into your life and right at that moment you think that they are the one?

Isn't it funny how after all the tears, and the hurt and the pain you still think that they are the one?

Isn't it funny how no matter what this person does to you or says to you in your heart you still feel that they are the one?

Why is that?

Why do we make ourselves fall head over heels for someone who in return isn’t that great? When more often than not the right one… the nice one, the one who won’t hurt you and betray you is staring you right in the face…

And he could be a friend, or someone that you occasionally talk to...

But isn't it funny how no matter what everyone says that that one person that hurts you and betrays you is never going to go away…

And no matter how many people you meet that will probably never do that to you... but then we still push them away...

Why is that so funny?

To Be or Not to Be?

When you break up with someone, and you hang out with your friends, you want him to be there but then again, on second thought, you don’t want him to be there because you enjoy his presence and you like being with him…

Why?

Because he is always the one that can make you laugh, even when no one else is laughing; he is always the one that will make the stupid comments and the immature jokes, but you always laugh, and you can’t figure why…

But then you don’t want him to be there because every time you look at him it makes you want him even more.

You look at him and in your mind you’re saying “right now, I would be holding his hand, or kissing him” and it kills you that he doesn’t see how much you are hurting, but you try hiding it by smiling when he says hi to you or if he even looks at you…

And at the back of your numb worn-out mind, you wonder if he thinks or feels the same way you feel because you want to tell him how you feel so bad, but is afraid that he will laugh in your face, or even worse, not even pay attention….

So what do you do?

You mask all your feelings with a smile, pretending nothing is wrong, until you get home, where you cry yourself to sleep holding something dear to you that he gave you…

Silently wishing he also felt the pain that you feel…

I'm Not Average

Remember prison ball and jumping jacks and how your P.E. teacher made you try to climb that rope that hung from the ceiling and you never could, never?

Or how you had to do chin-ups and see how long you could hang and you could only hang something like 2.5 seconds but that wasn't good enough, oh no, you had to hang something like 65 seconds and you could never do that and thank God it was only pass/no pass and you got a pass just for showing up and trying. Which was good.

But when you got older. And P.E. teachers got smarter. Because now you got graded.
You got graded and at least once you got the dreaded C or the equally dreaded C+ and there went your whole grade-point average and speaking of average that's what you were now: plain-old-just-mediocre-better-luck-next-time-see-ya-later-average and you thought:

Now wait just a gosh darn minute who, exactly, is average?

And the answer came back ringing loud and clear over the top of that chin-up bar: Nobody.

You're not average because average is a lie. You're not average because average means stuck and you're not stuck, you're moving and becoming and trying and you're climbing over every bit of fear or opinion or "no you can't do that" you've ever heard.

So you scoff at average.

You laugh. You guffaw. And you run and you play and you move and the more you tell your body that it is a well-oiled machine the more it starts to believe you.

And then one night you have the craziest dream.

You're in the middle of your old gym. Your P.E. teacher is standing there. She is grinning. There is a rope before you...

So you climb it.

And there is absolutely no place to go but up.

WANTED: PERFECT LOVER

Initially, I really didn’t want to answer this question because I think it’s too cheesy. But since I am always being asked of what I am looking for in a guy, I might as well describe eight different points of what I think a male perfect lover should be.

Besides, who knows, he might get to read this blog.

Here it goes...

1) He's gotta be grown-up. Does he do what needs to be done? Does he know what needs to be done to begin with? Is he responsible, trustworthy, and reliable? Can he admit when he's wrong? Does he take responsibilities for his words and actions? Most importantly, does he take charge of his life or is he one of those self-destructive victims who blame everyone but themselves for their unhappiness (In that case, he can look elsewhere).

2) He must be funny and imaginative. I like guys who laugh easily, and who aren't afraid to be silly and spontaneous. He must know how to make me laugh and he should smile often. He and I must be able to have fun anywhere we are, whether it's at a rock concert, or inside a theatre watching a horror movie, or a walk in the park, or bumming on a sofa, or at a 7-Eleven --- anywhere!

3) I simply cannot be with a boring person. He must be the type of person who enjoys conversation. Someone who always has a say on things. If I can talk to him for hours and hours straight, and be genuinely interested in what he's saying the entire time, then that's 50 pogi-points. But he must also enjoy being silent.

4) Passion is sexy. He has to be passionate about something --- be it sports, music, art, anything, theatre, movies, books --- so long as I can tell his heart is in it, and his eyes light up when he brings it up, and he can talk about it like life is not worth living without it. (Note: this does not hold true for drugs, alcohol, pornography... you get the idea)

5) He must have direction in his life. Ok, so maybe he's in his twenties and going through confusion. Maybe he doesn't have to know exactly what he wants to do. But in the meantime, I would at least like him to be actively searching for what he wants to do, and not just bumming around watching TV or playing computer games at home.

6) What makes me fall in love is not perfection but imperfection --- little quirks that define a person's personality and character. I don't want perfect taste in clothes. I just want him to dress like himself, whoever that is. I don't want perfectly neat hair, or perfect skin. I like my men touchable, real, comfortable with themselves, and yes, a little messy, and scruffy, and madungis. ;-) It's just personal preference.

7) It is important to me that he has a spiritual life. This is not about being Catholic. This is about believing in a transcendent being, a belief that there is something beyond all this that we must strive for. I want him to pray, not just the Hail-Holy-Mary kind of praying, but real praying. It's okay if he's not entirely sure what he believes in yet, as long as he's searching.

8) Last but not the least, I would like him to be the kind of person who cares about humanity. I want him to be kind, and compassionate and capable of making good moral decisions. He must love his family and he must learn to love the people I love, or at least understand why I love them. He must have a cause, and a desire to make a difference. Ok, he doesn't have to save the world, but I do want him to have other ambitions besides getting rich, buying a nice house, and a nice car.

Anyone qualified?

Who wants to apply? Send me your updated resume. =)

Friends and T.V.

Friends are like television.

Some are like Game Ka Na Ba? Or Deal or no Deal? always giving out money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell every day.

Some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch anyway.

And then there are the ones like the commercials, always changes, ever-so-annoying and only seem to be there when you are bored.

But every once and a while you meet someone who's like a really good movie of the week or that one TV show you hardly ever get to see anymore because you're so busy.

My point is hold on to the friends you care about… cherish the moments you spent with them and never take them for granted in the midst of you very busy schedule…

And since we don't have a remote control to mute someone or just change the channel, pick your friends carefully.

With the friends I have right now? I definitely made the right choice.

And I don’t need a remote control, because I am not turning this television off --- at least not while my friends are around. =)

Never Apologize

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.

2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.

3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.

4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.

6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.

7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.

8. Don't apologize for being a single mom. Babies are a blessing.

9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if wedding bells won't chime.

12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.

13. Never apologize for saying NO.

14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?

15. Never apologize for wearing a weave. You bought it so it's yours.

16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends.

17. Never apologize for ordering dessert. Or more than one dessert.

18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothers.

19. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.

20. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.

2 1 . Never apologize for changing your mind.

22 . Never apologize for exercising your right to choose. It's your body and your right.

23. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.

24. Never apologize for being you! "KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD"

Law of the Seed

Take a look at an apple tree.

There might be five hundred apples on the tree, each with ten seeds.

That's a lot of seeds! We might ask, "Why would you need so many seeds to grow just a few more trees?"

Nature has something to teach us here. It's telling us: "Most seeds never grow. So if you really want to make something happen, you had better try more than once."

This might mean:

You'll attend twenty interviews to get one job.

You'll interview forty people to find one good employee.

You'll talk to fifty people to sell one house, car, vacuum cleaner, insurance policy, idea.

And you might meet a hundred acquaintances to find one special friend.

When we understand the "Law of the Seed", we don't get so disappointed. We stop feeling like victims.

Laws of nature are not things to take personally. We just need to understand them - and work with them.

What my name means…

There are 12 letters in your name.
Those 12 letters total to 62

There are 5 vowels and 7 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Welsh, Male, Variant of Mervyn: Form of Merlin: From the sea fortress.
Teutonic, Male, Mariner.
English, Male, Famous friend.
Celtic, Male, Lives by the sea.

Your number is: 8

The characteristics of #8 are:

Practical endeavors, status oriented, power-seeking, high-material goals.

The expression or destiny for #8:

Your Expression is represented by the number 8. The 8 Expression is well-equipped in a managerial sense. You have outstanding organizational and administrative capabilities. You have the potential for considerable achievement in business or other powerful positions. You can expect to receive the financial and material rewards. You have the skill and abilities to establish or operate a business with great efficiency. You have good judgment when it comes to money and commercial matters, and you understand how to build and accumulate material wealth. Much of your success (or lack of it) may come due to your ability (or inability) to judge character. With the number 8 Expression, you exercise sound judgment in most of your affairs; you are realistic and practical in your approach to business matters.

The positive 8 Expression produces individuals that are very ambitious and goal-oriented. If the 8 energy is not in excess in your makeup, you will no doubt express these traits to some extent. No one has any more energy that a person with the 8 Expression who has a plan laid and is starting to work. No one has any more self-confidence, either. If you are expressing the positive qualities of 8, you are an outstanding manager because you can plan, initiate, and complete projects; you are very dependable and determined.

As it always happens, there can be too much of a good thing. If you have too much of the 8 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes. A negative 8 can be very rigid and stubborn. Ambition sometimes has a way of becoming over-ambition, and you may express an unreasonable impatience with the lack of progress. If your negative side is showing, you may be too exacting, both of yourself and of others. Sometimes this can even becomes a case of intolerance.

The number 8 is very materialistic and also very desirous of status and power. Neither of these drives are inherently negative unless they are taken to an extreme. You must avoid the tendency to strain after money, material matters, status, or power, to the detriment of the other important factors in your life.

Your Soul Urge number is: 3

A Soul Urge number of 3 means:

With the Soul Urge number 3 your desire in life is personal expression, and generally enjoying life to its fullest. You want to participate in an active social life and enjoy a large circle of friends. You want to be in the limelight, expressing your artistic or intellectual talents. Word skills may be your thing; speaking, writing, acting, singing. In a positive sense, the 3 energy is friendly, outgoing and always very social.

You have a decidedly upbeat attitude that is rarely discouraged; a good mental and emotional balance.

The 3 Soul Urge gives intuitive insight, thus, very high creative and inspirational tendencies.

The truly outstanding trait shown by the 3 Soul Urge is that of self-expression, regardless of the field of endeavor.

On the negative side, you may at times become too easygoing and too optimistic, tending to scatter forces and accomplish very little. Often, the excessive 3 energy produces non-stop talkers. Everyone has faults, but the 3 soul urge doesn't appreciate having these pointed out.

Your Inner Dream number is: 5

An Inner Dream number of 5 means:

You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplished.

Pretty Much Screwed

I saw him the other day for the first time in months.

I mean, I've seen him recently, but today I really saw him --- me looking at him, him looking at me, right in the eyes and straight to the heart.

And I could feel it, I could feel him, and it was amazing.

It's there between us... I just wish he wasn't too afraid to see it.

I guess I should have said something, anything.

I mean for a guy who wants to be a writer, it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written.

When someone tells you that they somehow stopped missing you, you're pretty much screwed no matter what you say.

See, but there had to be something right? Something that no one had ever said in the history of the world, something that could change this.

And, "Hi. How are you doin'?"

That wasn't it.

Damn.

Don't keep score... love isn't a contest

Sometimes, love dies. And there is no easy explanation for it.
Some of us see it coming. Some of us don’t. But most of us try not to see it at all. Because it is easier to pretend that all is well rather than admit that your dreams have been shattered and that you are left only with the broken pieces of your heart.

It hurts to imagine the person we love with someone else. It hurts to no longer be the object of his/her affections. It hurts to be no longer the center of his/her universe. It hurts to no longer be wanted. It hurts to be discarded, replaced and dumped unceremoniously like an old rag that has outlived its usefulness.

It hurts to no longer be loved.

But it happens everyday to the best of us, to the beautiful, the kind, the talented, the smart, the successful, the multi-awarded.

It happens to the perfect wife, sister, friend and mother. It happens to the civic leader, the CEO, the cover girl.

Whether or not it’s something we did or didn’t do, sometimes, love just dies. And over thinking would serve no purpose.

To be loved is a blessing. But to no longer be loved is not necessarily a tragedy.

We’ve been raised since childhood to believe that love must last forever. And perhaps it must. But isn’t it possible to simply be happy for the love you have no matter if it doesn’t last forever?
Isn’t it possible to simply savor the moment and become richer by it without wanting to possess it forever?

Isn’t it possible to love and let go and love again?

Isn’t it possible to love forever but to love different people over time?

It’s all right to no longer be loved. It’s all right to stop loving. It’s all right to mourn for loves losses but to condemn yourself to a life of misery because your love didn’t last forever is foolhardy.

If love must die, let it go peacefully into the night.

But don’t keep score.

Love is not a contest.

It is not a competition to see who emerges the prettiest, the craftiest or toughest. Love is what it is --- a gift.

It cannot be forced on anyone. Neither can it be forced out of anyone.

So let it be.

When love dies, hold on to the memories. But let go of the one you love.

HERE WE GO AGAIN...

It's easy to convince yourself that you aren't in love with someone anymore... that you have successfully moved on… that you have learned to let go… that you’ve got yourself together and you’ve done pretty well without them by your side…

Until the time you see them in the hallway, or smell someone wearing their cologne… or hear the song they used to sing to you…

And then you're like, okay, here we go again…

So my conclusion is this: you don't ever stop loving someone.

It's more a matter of learning to deal with the pain of not having them anymore. Because you can convince yourself and maybe honestly learn to get used to them not being around your tiny fragile world… but in reality, you know from deep down in your soul that you still can’t live without them…

They might not be in the big picture… but somewhere along the edges of your slowly healing heart…

There they are… reminding you that once, you loved…

And you loved well…

Once In a While

So often life is every bit as good, if not better, than the wonderful make-believe movies we love to watch.

It has all the same joy and sorrow, mystery and suspense, adventure and excitement, and love and emotion --- except it's real.

Live your life as if it were a great movie --- complete with a happy ending.

…Because once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life...

Love gives us a fairy tale.

Only That Moon

Sometimes I feel like there is a hole inside me... An emptiness that, at times, seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.

And the moon in Makati tonight: there's a circle around it --- a sign of trouble not far behind.

I have this dream of being whole... Of not going to sleep each night wanting, but still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.

I just want someone to love me.

I want to be seen.

I don't know...

Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it, but there is no man...

Only that moon.

Helpless Puppets

There are moments in your life that make you... that set the course for who you're going to be.

Sometimes they're little subtle moments.

Sometimes they're not…

Bottom line is even when you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. Nobody asks for his or her life to change.

Not really, but it does.

So what are we helpless Puppets?

No, the big moments are going to come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts...

That’s when you find out who you are.

Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal

There was a time that it never seemed to matter much…

No --- that’s not true –-- There was a time I deceived myself into thinking that it didn’t matter much; A time when I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be: Successful, wealthy, independent, helpful, knowledgeable…
How did I allow myself to lose everything I stood for… everything I wanted? When did I give up and give in?

Where did I go to be so far from reality?

Who was I kidding?

Maybe it was all me, afraid to face reality, afraid to face rejection, afraid to face loss and pain and emptiness…

Maybe I realized that I couldn’t be what I wanted, couldn’t be where I wanted, and couldn’t have what I needed…

Maybe I thought I could have my reality if I lived up to everyone else’s first…

Maybe I was just a fool…

Now reality is here and I can’t turn away. I can’t hide; can’t run fast enough or far enough. All the pain and loss, all of the wrong choices, all of the missed opportunities, all of the loneliness…

My reality envelops me, washes through every pore, and flows through me with more strength than my blood…

Pain, anger, fear, and longing have become so constant and omnipresent that I can no longer feel them individually or feel any other emotions at all. My reality pulls me down into that same abyss I have feared my whole life, But I still retain a faint glimmer of hope (fool that I am).

Truth, passion, joy, bonding, caring, love --– It seems so simple. Shouldn’t these things come to everyone? Why for others and not for me?

How can I live without the only things that really matter?

Who am I kidding?!

Why I drink Beer

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

A leopard can't change his stripes and neither can a queer.

Brian Kinney: You stupid little twat, never let anyone fuck you without a condom.
Justin: You're not just anyone.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, I'm sure that's what Ben thought about the guy who infected him. Put it on me... I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.

Queer As Folk is a TV series that has changed the way I look at life, love, friends and sex. After seeing season one, I just knew that my life and my perspective would never be the same again.

My fascination with Queer As Folk started when my ex-boyfriend who works in a gay-lesbian oriented magazine introduced the TV series to me. Being the influential guy that he is, I quickly got interested into seeing the said TV flick.

Since then, I have been following the trail of events of this not so usual, groundbreaking series.

Michael Charles Novotny: I don't know how you do it, working all day, fucking all night.
Brian Kinney: Well they say in the vast emptiness of space, the faster you move, the slower you age. I have to believe the same holds true for Pittsburgh. You care to join me?
Michael Charles Novotny: You'll have to stay forever young without me.
Brian Kinney: I understand, you're in a committed relationship with your, what is that hideous expression? Significant other? Loser.

Queer As Folk is an innovative, provocative, and groundbreaking series that chronicles the friendships, careers, loves, trials, tribulations, and ambitions of a diverse group of gay men and lesbians living in Pittsburgh, PA. Blending strong drama with necessary charm and humor, Queer As Folk rivals any other show presented on television.

It provides viewers with a graphic & intense (and sometimes controversial) view of several different issues such as love, relationships, sex, friendship, personal highs & lows, and life in the gay and lesbian community.

Justin: [to his father] If you wanna hit me go right ahead. Because I'm not gonna cry like some little faggot. And if you wanna send me off to boarding school that's fine too. Because I bet more butt fucking goes on in boarding schools than in the back room of Babylon. But whatever you do, it doesn't matter. Because I'll still be your queer son.

A major part of the show's high likeability most definitely lies in its highly talented cast of characters; the comedic, boy-next-door Michael (Hal Sparks) and his charming boyfriend Ben (Robert Gant), the undeniably sexy and promiscuous Brian (Gale Harold), flamboyant and undaunted Emmett (Peter Paige), modest Ted (Scott Lowell), a "two steps forward, two steps back" kind of guy, and the young, talented, romance-crazed Justin (Randy Harrison).
Also adding the show's charm are its three resident ladies: Melanie (Michelle Clunie) & Lindsay (Thea Gill), a high-spirited and loveable lesbian couple raising a family together, and Debbie (Sharon Gless), Michael's ever-so-proud and delightful mother.

Ted: [on dating a guy who's HIV positive] It's like playing with fire. I mean... what if a condom breaks? Or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed?
Brian: Or he shoots off his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe and it accidentally flies up your ass...

With its mix of loveable characters, captivating story lines, and undeniable charm, Queer As Folk has, over the years, definitely evolved into the compelling and ever-so-popular show it was destined to be.

We continue to learn every single day

Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh.

I've learned...

…That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

…That when you're in love, it shows. I’m in love. I have always been in love. =)

… That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

… That being kind is more important than being right.

…That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

… That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

… That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

… That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

…That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

… That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

… That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

… That money doesn't buy class and love and friends

.… That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

… That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

… That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

… That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

… That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

… That in love --- time heals all wounds.

… That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

… That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

… That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

… That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

… That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

… That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

… That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

… That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

… That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

… That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

… That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

… That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

… That it’s my dad’s birthday yesterday.

… That Kuya Cesar is already dead.

… That Chiz Escudero is leading the senatorial slate.

… That it’s already late and I need to sleep because we are leaving early tomorrow morning.

… That this blog entry is getting a little longer than I thought.

… That I have to end it right now. =)

In a nutshell: We can never stagnate in this life. There are just too many things to learn… and yes, lessons? --- There’s plenty for everyone…

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?

A gay US soldier wrote a letter to the editor of THE ADVOCATE that says: "Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons."

I do not have anything against straight guys or straight people, in fact, I love them. However, when they start bashing out people like me, I will take a stand just like any other human being.

What is straight anyway?

A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through the mountains.

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.

But seriously, what does it mean to be gay?

Being gay is having the capability to love a member of the same sex to a much greater depth than a member of the opposite sex.

Being gay is a matter of love, not a matter of sex.

Being gay is who you are, not what you do.

Being gay is part of you, not a separate entity.

Being gay is OK --- the sin is living a lie.

Being gay is not chosen, if it were, there would be no gays.

Being gay is to be ridiculed about something you can do nothing about.

Being gay is not changeable --- but it is liveable.

Being gay is accepting yourself when others are not accepting of you.

Being gay is being who you are --- even though you don't understand it.

Being gay is gentleness, warmth and sensitivity, when you are not at war with the outside world.
Being gay is different, and the definition of different is not "bad."

Being gay is reaching the autumn of your years and wondering why you have spent most of your life trying to get acceptance from people who don't know you and who don't understand you.

Being gay is YOU -- and nothing in this world is more important than that.

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality.

It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.

In one of the episodes of Queer as Folk, Ted said to his best friend Emmet this line and I think we should stop for a while and clearly reflect on this particular thought…

Ted uttered, "I think God appreciates everyone… especially the people who openly accepts their true selves…. I think He appreciates them even more. Because He created all in his image… At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is love and God doesn't make mistakes, then all of us must be exactly the way he wants us to be… And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all his... He loves us all… even QUEERS."

So I am living this very same message to everyone who might need it now or in the future, everyone was created in his image... we are all his children... we are all his...

Besides, the Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

Never let anyone define you. You define yourself.

God Bless.

Care Bears Care

What do you remember most from your childhood?

Whenever I look back to my younger years, which by the way isn’t too long ago =)… I always remember watching “Care Bears”. Hehehe. All of my playmates before knew this TV series and I can’t imagine anyone who didn’t get hook on the said animated show.

Until now, I still have my care bears coloring books, stickers and stuffed toys.

The Care Bears are a group of adorable, furry friends each with a special caring mission. They help teach people how to care. Every Care Bear wears a bright-colored tummy picture that tells the world who they are and what is their special area of caring.

In their cloud-land home, called Care-a-lot, the Care Bears help each other learn to care. Sometimes they magically bring a child with a special caring concern to Care-a-lot so that they can better teach them some of the finer points of being a caring person.

Sometimes, too, the Care Bears have to speed down to Earth to help with some crisis in caring.

Wherever the Care Bears go, and whatever the Care Bears do, in their soft, fuzzy, and funny way, they share their special gift of caring with everyone they meet.

The ten original Care Bears consisted of: Bedtime Bear, Birthday Bear, Cheer Bear, Friend Bear, Funshine Bear, Good Luck Bear, Grumpy Bear, Love-A-Lot Bear, Tenderheart Bear and Wish Bear.

Later on, additional bears joined them, as well as the Cousins.

The Care Bears' ultimate "weapon" is the "Care Bear Stare," in which the collected Bears stand together and radiate light from their respective tummy symbols, combining to form a ray of love and good cheer which could bring care and joy into the target's heart.

The Care Bear Stare has several different looks. One has a beam coming from the tummy being made up of several replicated images of the symbol. Another variation forms a rainbow when multiple Bears and/or Cousins are involved. A yellow beam with red hearts is sometimes seen as well.

The Care Bears were successful in promoting friendship, love and concern to all the young children and to those young at heart.

The saddening part about all this is the fact that the Care Bear’s message about friendship and caring is something rarely heard of today.

In today’s greedy corporate and selfish lives, and the "every man for himself" mentality each one of us is guilty of, caring seems to be an forgotten virtue.

The animation for Care Bears is pretty good considering that it is only a tv series intended for kids. The animators did a pretty good job, doing a lot of things with the kiddy show --- adding up a lot of details and colors into it.

Care Bears is definitely a feel-good animation that seems like a fantasy born out of too many Me Generation warm fuzzies. It comes filled with lots of bright colors, and there is much talk about happy feelings (everybody wears a heart on their chest that lights up in pastel rainbows when they care) and the banishing of bad feelings.

I will never outgrow my love for “care bears”. They will always be close to my heart. They will remain to be one of my favorite TV series aside from EWOKS. Hehehe.

On Hamsters and on Wheels

Have you stopped to watch a hamster running on a wheel? Have you found yourself thinking what’s going on in that tiny head of his?

Where is he going? Why is he running? Why does he not just get off and stop… to see… his glass prison.

I think I answered my own question.

We all run on our "wheels" to have that sense of direction, of movement.

Maybe, just maybe, I could pick up my mask and wear it again. I could take out my rose-tinted glasses and pretend with all the other hamsters that I’m headed somewhere.

Headed to greener pastures?

Maybe.

It’s time to slow down, to stop thinking and just be. I have to let it all go. I need to let my life flow and unravel.

I need to just be.

Is life a big “choose your own adventure” book? Turn to page 65 to either meet your doom or stumble upon another dilemma.

I think so.

It’s all laid out.

Every word and every letter, all written in ink, printed for you to read. Everything is just waiting to be uncovered.

The book is just waiting for you to decide and to turn the page.

Who's in your front row?

Life is a theater, so invite your audience carefully --- not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives.

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a DISTANCE.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships or friendships. Observe the relationship around you.

Pay close attention.

Which ones live and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you?

The more you see quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you... the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income. And so, we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds. We should not share our dreams with negative people, nor feed them with negative thoughts.

So, who's in your front row?

What will you remember of me?

I mean, when I’m gone, what will you remember of me?

Will it be the same as I remember of you? Will you remember my laugh or my tears? My joy or my anger?

Will you write a tribute to my love or a scandal of my failings?

What will someone remember of you?

Time can ease the painful parts, but nothing erases the empty spaces. Live NOW as you dream of... for there is no tomorrow that is worth losing today.

Don't wait until someone has to pack up your life to wish you had lived it differently. It was a lesson hard learned, but one I cannot forget as I box up the lifetime that was mine.

It is our daily task... to create a safe harbor for ourselves and our loved ones, where peace and warmth and love and caring are the treasures we shall bring with us into today. Whatever your memories are, however you have stashed them in your being, remember you can create new ones anytime you wish. You merely have to begin, and that journey begins with a simple HELLO.

Perhaps life does require a goodbye or two, but I like to think there are more hellos than goodbyes; and I think there are, if only we will look! The hellos are right here, in the bits and pieces that lie scattered on the bed and in the dresser drawers.

Goodbye?

Yes, it is goodbye to the way we love each other, but never to the love we share. I can no longer hug you or blow you a kiss across the room, but always, always, I can love you. Whether it is wearing your ring or singing your favorite song, I will remember. You are a part of my life, a moment of magic that still sings in the quiet spaces of my heart.

What will I choose, out of all these trinkets and gadgets and boxes of boxes of treasured trash?

I choose it all.

I claim it all as mine, the good, the sad, the difficult, the painful, the magical. I cannot choose a single piece, for it is the tapestry that it all weaves that is my life. You simply are and forever will be, a part of who I am. I choose which part and place you occupy, but always you are with me.

Thank you, God for giving me life. It hasn't always been the best gift I could dream of, but it has never been boring! You gave me life, and I cherish the part you walked with me. My footsteps are my own, but I know you are beside me.

Our arms may be empty, but the boxes are full and so is the heart. It began with a HELLO and so it shall begin again, with another HELLO.

Thanks for the life.

On the whole, it's not too bad... I love you.

One Angry Dwarf and two Hundred Solemn Faces

My friends kept telling me that it wouldn't last, that one day we would go our own separate ways. I didn't listen. They told me I would only get hurt and I shouldn't stay... I still didn't listen. But now, as our relationship is ending, I really wish that I had listened to my friends’ advice, because if I did, I wouldn't be hurting like I am now.

I wish I wouldn't have stopped one of my friends from having a box of dog shit anonymously delivered to your doorstep. Although I find delightful, demented humor in that, I know you would have only blamed me for sending it.

I wish I could cut your dick off without my name being nationally broadcasted throughout the media. I also don't want to be criminally prosecuted.

I wish I could push a red button that would strategically drop an atomic bomb on your fucking house leaving no collateral damage.

I wish I had dark magic powers that would prevent you from ever passing the nursing board exams.

Most of all, I wish I could rewind some of my life... I would have chosen not to have met you.

But on second thought, I PROBABLY WON'T. It is such a waste of time to even wish anything for you.

Sometimes I wonder if you just faked our whole relationship... if you ever really did care.... if I ever really did know the feeling of how it felt to be loved and to love... maybe I just made the whole thing out to be more than it was because you are with him now. You've been so into him for only God knows how long... and my dreams and hopes of love are suddenly shattered... because I know now that when I call out your name at night... you are calling out his... and there's nothing in the world that hurts more... than knowing the only man I've ever loved... is out there loving someone else.

I'm simply a boy who fell in love. Well, that's what I used to think. But now I know that I'm just a guy who was charmed by a boy then used and left behind.

You killed me. You killed every hope I have left. I can't even pretend to be happy anymore. It's not worth pretending.

Am I mad at you?

That's your main concern after shattering my whole world?

Mad For what?

For breaking my heart?

All the lies?

Maybe for letting me put all my trust in you only to be betray the decency to tell me to my face?? How about the fact that you didn't even care the way you think its crazy that I'm crying over it, because you think breaking up is no big deal?

Am I mad?

No.

More like crushed. Did I ever even really know you?

I've made it through a lot, but only because I've always had this love to count on to be there for me through it all.

Now that I've lost that, I'm lost and alone and I don't think I'll make it this time.

I hope that makes you happy.

How did you survive your childhood?

If you were a kid in the 50's, 60's, 70's or even early 80's... how did you survive your childhood?

1. When we were growing up we never wore seatbelts in the car, cars didn't have airbags...

2. Riding on the back of a pick up truck was an adventure that we still remember!

3.- Our cribs were painted with bright colors (paint which was full of lead)

4. We didn't have childproof medicine bottles, nor did our parents ever childproof our house

5. When we rode our bikes we never wore a helmet.

6. We would drink water from the faucet or from a hose in the backyard (not bottled water).

7. We didn't have cell phones , so our parents were never able to reach us (awesome).

8. We would get scrapes, bruises, break bones, lose teeth, but we would never sue for these accidents.

9. We would eat cake, bread and butter, drink sugary drinks, and we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing

10. Four of us would share a drink, we would all drink from the same bottle and that wasn't gross nor would anyone get sick.

11. We didn't have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X boxes, video games, cable TV with over 100 channels, VCR's, surround sound, cellular phones, computers, online chatrooms, instead we would have tons of FRIENDS.

12. Some of us weren't as bright as others but when one would get left back that was no big deal. They would not get taken to a psychologist, nor did they ever suffer from dyslexia, hyperactivity, ADHD, ADD, etc, they would simply repeat the grade until they passed.

13. We had freedom, mishaps, successes, responsibilities, and we would learn to deal with them.

The question is... How did we survive? and above all, to become the GREAT people that we are today?

Are you from one of these generations?

The new generation would probably say that we were very boring, but I believe that we were VERY HAPPY CHILDREN...

Happy Mother’s Day Nanay

After having dinner at Balinsasayaw last night, we went home and I approached my mom and told her how grateful I am for all the things that she has done for me and for our whole family. I told her I love her with all that I have and with all that I am. I won’t be where I am today if not for her undying support and unconditional love.

But my mom knows me too well and she knows that something is bothering me. So I told her I’m really upset with someone right now.

My Mom held my hands and embraced me tightly...

I asked her, “Mom, why are there so many mean people in my life right now? What do these people have against me that they could deliberately be so cruel? Why are they doing this to me? Are they just bored? What do they get from it?"

My mom looked at me and said, “Marvin, each person who enters our life has a unique lesson to teach us. It is only through these lessons that we learn about life, people and our relationships with God.”

I gazed back at mom with a confused look on my face. “I am a very fair person mom... other people should be fair to me too. I don’t lie, I don’t steal, I don’t mock people or inflict pain, I don’t cheat, I don’t ridicule others... the only thing I’m guilty of is loving someone too much... Is that so bad mom? Am I a bad person?”

So she began telling me this:

When someone lies to you, it teaches you that things are not always what they seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know what is in their hearts. Remove your own masks to let people know who you really are.

When someone steals from you it teaches you that nothing is forever. Always appreciate what you have. You never know when you might lose it. Never take your friends or family for granted, because today and sometimes only this very moment is the only guarantee you may have.

When someone inflicts injury upon you, it teaches you that the human state is a very fragile one. Protect and take care of your body as best as you can, it's the one thing that you are sure to have forever.

When someone mocks you, it teaches you that no two people are alike. When you encounter people who are different from you, do not judge them by how they look or act, instead base it on the contents of what is in their hearts.

When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that the person will love you back. But don't turn your back on love, because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings you will make up for all of your past hurts. Times a thousand fold.

When someone holds a grudge against you, it teaches you that everyone makes mistakes. When you are wronged, the most virtuous thing you can do is forgive the offender without pretense. Forgiving those who have hurt us is often the most difficult and painful of life's experiences, but it is also the most courageous thing a person can do.

When a loved one is unfaithful to you, it teaches you that resisting temptation is Man's greatest challenge. Be vigilant in your resistance against all temptations. By doing so, you will be rewarded with an enduring sense of satisfaction far greater than the temporary plasure by which you were tempted.

When someone cheats you, it teaches you that greed is the root of all evil. Aspire to make your dreams come true, no matter how lofty they may be. Do not feel guilty about your success, but never let an obsession with achieving your goals lead you to engage in malevolent activities.

When someone ridicules you, it teaches you that nobody is perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections over which they have no control."

I looked at my mom and asked, “But Mom, what do we learn from loving? Are there no lessons we learn from doing good things to others?

She replied, “Marvin, man's capacity to love is the greatest gift He has. At the root of kindness and love, and each act of love also teaches us a lesson.”

My curiosity was deepened.

My mom once again began to explain: "When someone loves us, it teaches us love, kindness, charity,honesty, humility, forgiveness, acceptance, and all of these can counteract all the evil in the world. For every good deed, there is one evil deed. Man alone has the power to control the balance between good and evil, but because the lessons of love are not taught often enough, the power is too often abused.”

My mom kissed me good night and I was left at the garden looking at the stars. As always, my mom made sense of things.

As I was gazing at the sky this thought occurred to me, “Every now and then, things will happen, to make me want to hide...But for every bad, there is a good, to keep my heart alive. And as my brother once told me, I shouldn’t have to sacrifice who I am just because someone else has a problem with it."

At that moment, I know, my heart is at peace...

I just know.

I love you Mom and Thanks for everything.

Happy mother’s day.

Royal Greetings to all the Mothers in the World

For those who are lucky to still be blessed with your Mom, this is beautiful. For those who aren't, this is even more beautiful.

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.

"Is this the long way?" she asked.

And the guide said "Yes, and the way is hard, and you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them, taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a bike, and reminded them to feed the dog and do their homework and brush their teeth.

The sun shone on them and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the nights came, and the storms and the path was sometimes dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her arms and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, a little patience and we are there."

So the children climbed and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms. And with this, she gave them strength to face the world.

Year after year she showed them compassion, understanding, hope, but most of all......unconditional love. And when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."

The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she became little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage.

And the mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing these traits on to their children." And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her, and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers.

One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And Mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk with dignity and pride, with their heads held high, and so can their children after them."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still.


A Mother is more than a memory.

She is a living presence. Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well, she's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day...

She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is your birthday morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter and she's crystallized in every tear drop. A mother shows everyemotion... happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow... and all the while hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life.

She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you follow with every step you take.

She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy...

But nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time...

Not space...

Not even death!

Ice Cream, I Scream...

Last week I took Joaquin, my 6-year-old cousin to a restaurant. He asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said: "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if kuya Marvin gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen."

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, Joaquin burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my cousin and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my cousin asked.

"Cross my heart."

Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought Joaquin ice cream at the end of the meal. Joaquin stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without saying a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman that made the remark.

With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."

It doesn't matter

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you.

And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of margarita you drink with your friends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.

And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy.

And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door.

And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new.

And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again.

And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

What Really Counts

I got this interesting bit of e-mail from a cyber friend, who sends me wonderful and thought-provoking forwarded Internet materials:

Do you know who in 1923 was the:

1) President of the largest steel company?
2) President of the largest gas company?
3) President of the New York stock exchange?
4) Greatest wheat speculator?
5) President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6) Great Bear of Wall Street?

According to the email, these men should be considered some of the world’s most successful men because at least, they found the secret to making money.

But today, more than 56 years later, they are virtually unknown. Do you know what has become of these men?

The e-mail reveals:

The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper
The President of the largest gas company, Richard Hopson, is insane
The President of NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless
The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, committed suicide.

I cannot vouch for the accuracy of this information but one thing can be culled from it and related to our lives—you may be the hottest name in 2007 but will you still be remembered by people 56 years from today?

Will the priorities you concern yourself with still be significant?

Will your millions of money amount to anything if you were mean to your relatives and didn’t help others?

Whatever grand achievements you have made for yourself will one day be forgotten. What will be remembered are the good things you have done for others.

Great men are immortalized by their great deeds.

SHOULD YOU

Here’s something good to start my week.

With all that is happening in my life right now --- malicious comments from other people, death of a dear friend… I really need to stop, breath, stop questioning God, thank Him and just continually be a blessing to the people around me.

An excerpt from the novel Tuesday's with Morrie by Mitch Albom says: "Many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to be half-dead… half-asleep.

So, here I am… trying to live my life one day at a time. After all, all we really have is borrowed time. All we have is today… this moment… no one knows for sure when our clock would stop ticking for us…

So let’s make the most of today.

Here’s something that inspired me… hoping it will inspire you too.

Should you have a bad day at work…
Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad…
Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend…
Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance…
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror…
Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose?
Be thankful.
There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities…

Remember, things could be worse.

You could be them.


Have a nice week everyone.

Love you all.

May your soul rest in peace

Can you imagine what it feels like to have someone sit you down and tell you that you're dying? The gravity of that, huh?

Then the clock starts ticking for you…

In a split second your awe is cracked open. You look at things differently --- smell things differently. You savor everything be it a glass of water or a walk in the park.

But most people have the luxury of not knowing when that clock's going to go off. And the irony of it is that that keeps them from really living their life. It keeps them drinking that glass of water but never really tasting it.

I just found out today, that a good friend of mine died yesterday morning due to brain tumor and I can’t help but ask why. Good heavens why him? I mean, he is so young for crying out loud. He still has a lot to live… a lot to fulfill…

My knees got weak, my voice escaped me and I am left here standing… wondering why it had to be you... imagining what we would be doing if you weren't set before me… ever so pale… ever so different... ever so cold…

We say that the hour of death cannot be forecasted, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance.

It's never going to get easier.

There is never going to be a 'Death for Dummies' book. There is never going to be an escape plan to pain because no matter how much I try no matter how much I cry my life is never going to go back to the way it used to be, because I know I can't just text you on your cell phone and hope everything disappears.

I know that I can't stop myself from hoping that one day I will just receive a text from you and smile as if nothing happened.

I know that there will be days that it will be hard to get out of bed and look people in the eye and lie when they ask how I am.

I know that its going to hurt for the rest of my life and that I will always cry, but I also know that you're in heaven now and your away from all of the pain and everything is better for you now.

I just wish I could say the same for me.

Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But we never forget them.

And I promise, I will never forget you.

So long Joms…

*** Friends, please join me in praying for the eternal repose of my friend’s soul. Thank you.