Chanelling Darkness

Darkness.

Only darkness. A darkness of pain, loneliness, and hopelessness.

I just finished reading a gay and lesbian oriented book yesterday. Very well written. Very poignant. Very upsetting. All too comparable to my own life. I need to write a paper on this book, but I couldn't do it tonight. I was too disturbed.

Then I read story updates on the gay romances I follow on the net. Most of the chapters to various stories were happy, uncomplicated episodes, but reading about gay couples happily enjoying a long-term companionship makes me sad.

I don't begrudge them their happiness - in my own way, I am happy for them - but every happy gay couple I see or hear about is simply a painful reminder of how alone I am and have so often been.

Reading these various chapters after finishing that book has left me very down.

Very alone...

Do you realize that this has nothing to do with sex? Can you understand that? I just need someone to hold and to hold me. I need someone that really wants to know my troubles and help me overcome them. I need someone that I can trust. Someone who won't laugh at me or belittle my fears and pains. Someone who won't hurt me, and someone who won't leave me.

I would give everything for someone like that...

All that I am, all I own, all my dreams, all my love, all my trust, all my mind, my body, my soul, my life - all that they might ever desire or need or hope for; no need would be too much; no risk would be too great; no price would be too high to pay.

But none of that matters.

No one will ever know.

No one cares.

All of my love lies with me in darkness.

Something for the Soul

Gracious God,

In the busy-ness of my day, I sometimes forget to stop to thank You for all that is good in my life.

My blessings are many and my heart is filled with gratefulness for the gift of living, for the ability to love and be loved, for the opportunity to see the everyday wonders of creation, for sleep and water, for a mind that thinks and a body that feels.

I thank you, too, for those things in my life that are less than I would hope them to be. Things that seem challenging, unfair, or difficult.

When my heart feels stretched and empty and pools of tears form in my weary eyes, still I rejoice that you are as near to me as my next breath and that in the midst of turbulence, I am growing and learning.

In the silence of my soul, I thank you most of all for your unconditional and eternal love.

Amen.

Half-Empty? Or Half-Full?

I've been told a zillion times that there are two ways of looking at things. Is the glass half-empty or half-full? I'm usually guilty of the former until recently when a girl named Aurora taught me that even if the glass is broken, it's just, well, glass.

I met Aurora very recently when I visited DLSU Medical Center in Dasmariñas to get some documents I needed for my US Visa application. I graduated as a PT at La Salle and took my licensure board exam in August of 2003. Upon arriving at the rehabilitation Department, I immediately noticed the pretty girl with pronounced facial paralysis. I asked my former clinical supervisor if she could let me assist in treating her for the day.

Upon looking at her clinical records, Aurora was diagnosed to have Bell's palsy. Bell's is defined as an acute, idiopathic, commonly unilateral, peripheral facial paralysis. Its cause is still unclear, and its development isn't well understood. But many doctors believe that a viral infection can cause the facial nerve to become swollen and injured. And while a mild case of Bell's palsy normally disappears within a month, recovery from a case involving total paralysis varies.

As for Aurora, the damage of her facial nerve was severe and would be irreversible.

Aurora was a former beauty title holder. She came from a prominent family and had a great life ahead of her. One morning, she felt numbness on the left side of her face accompanied by a buzzing sound in her ear. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Aurora's treatment involved a lot of facial exercises that includes movement of her eyes, nose, lips and tongue. It's amazing how she's able to smile after every exercise.

During the session, she asked me why I wanted to go abroad when our country needs medical skills. I was silent for a while. All of a sudden the thought of leaving the country came out like a bitter pill.

I reasoned that I needed to earn more money for the security of my family and for the realization of my dreams. After my explanation, she paused and smiled, "Our family have all the money, but even wealth can't make me smile normally again."

I looked at her and all of a sudden I felt small and embarrassed.

This was the response of a girl who was told by medical experts that she can never recover back to normal. Her queenly smile will forever be gone.

Shame, shame on me.

Problems can easily cloud our smiles. The colorful murals can all of a sudden transform to black and white canvasses. But in the middle of everything bad that happens, there lies opportunities. And our eyes should never be too tear-filled to see them. I guess, for people like Aurora, life will always be half-full.

My life is made up of years that mean nothing, and a moment with Aurora that meant it all.

Friendly Encounters

Of all relationships, friendship can be the most versatile and fulfilling because it is a gift bestowed willingly. Each person who receives your friendship should receive a part of you in the form of caring, concern, happiness, and support.

In return, you enjoy the companionship of your friends because they offer comfort, cheer, and a shoulder to cry on.

Like any relationship, however, friendship does not simply exist, but must be nurtured and encouraged to grow through actions, words, and reciprocal feelings. The first and most important aspect of being a good friend is treating others with the same respect and kindness with which you wish to be treated. Doing so can be a guide in forging friendships with others.

Being a good friend is easiest and most rewarding when you choose your friendships wisely. Friendships should be built upon a foundation of mutual trust, acceptance, and support. Show them you care, not just using words, but also using actions: Be courteous and kind, honest, and willing to compromise, and shy away from being overly critical.

When your friend encounters trouble, support their decision wholeheartedly, but always be willing to tell them when they're about to step onto a dangerous path. In doing so, you will help your friend flourish in their own way, while still being there for them. Really listen to and share in your friend's triumphs as well as their upsets with patience, kindness, and a sense of humor.

In any strong friendship, conflict will inevitably arise, but be willing to compromise and respect your friend's opinions. If they apologize, accept their apology with grace and forgive them promptly. Try to never hold a grudge, because holding on to negative emotions can put a strain on a friendship. Let your friend be who they are, not who you'd prefer them to be.

Friends don't always agree, but it's helpful to keep in mind that it's their enjoyment of each other's company that makes dealing with disagreements worthwhile.

There may be times when you feel ill equipped to be a good friend, but knowing and admitting this is just another part of a strong friendship. Your friend will understand that you, too, have issues of importance in your life.

Developing and maintaining rewarding and lasting friendships is a challenge, but one that yields beautiful results.

Unhappily Happy

Happiness does not depend on whether or not you always get your way. However, when you do choose happiness, events will more often go your way.

You do not need to accumulate a lot of things before you can be happy. Yet when you are happy, you'll open yourself up to all kinds of new abundance.

Happiness is not something that you can obtain by taking it from others. On the contrary, the more that happiness flows out from you, the more of it you will enjoy. If you limit your happiness only to certain specific situations or conditions, it will almost always elude you. Yet when you seek to bring happiness to every situation, it will be your constant companion.

Happiness is not the exclusive experience of just a lucky few. It is always there for anyone who is sincere and open enough to choose it.

Happiness is always there to choose, in any place, at any time, under a whole wide range of conditions.

Give happiness to the moments of life, and you will surely know it well.

A cup of coffee

Let me tell you a crazy story I heard recently. Sometime last year, a group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university lecturer...

Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life...

Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of
coffee and an assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain looking and some expensive
and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said...

If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones... While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the better
cups and are eyeing each other's cups.

Now, if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups... They are just tool to hold and contain life, but the quality of life doesn't change...

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it.

Confessions of a Callboy

Night is the land of dreams, and the graveyard shift the territory of dream weavers.

Midnight mist. Empty sidewalks. Flickering street lights. Deep inside the nocturnal hush of the city is the hum of young men and women in different call centers all over the country. Like a black cat in the night’s shadows, graveyard shift pounces in the strange but exhilarating life of call center agents.

It was my turn to take a rollicking plunge into the neon world of midnight workers when I started working for a contact center October of 2003. I got hired as a split-skilled customer-service-technical-support agent answering calls from irate irrational foreign customers and replying to poorly constructed email requests during downtime. Taking calls can be physically exhausting and emotionally blistering. On my first night on the job, I had a headache roughly the size of Araneta Coliseum.

Playing the part of a nocturnal animal doesn’t come naturally. For several months, I was constantly fighting against my body’s biological clock. But thanks to my lively co-workers I made it through my regularization.

A few weeks later, I got promoted as a supervisor. More than ever, my job requires me to be awake during my shift. So, while my internal circadian rhythm tells me to sleep, I struggle to keep my eyes open during client conference calls and QA-calibrations.

Call center life is not easy. The stakes always seem higher at night. Jeopardy is too close a companion. You never know what you'll find in the shadows. On top of that, no one respects the fact that you sleep during the daytime. You have to be to work at 11:00pm so friends and family think that you have all day to spend time with them on “weekends” and “holidays”. They don’t consider the fact that you don’t expect them to hang out with you at 3:00am on your days off. And when you are trying to sleep in the daytime, there’s always a loud sound tormenting you into a restless, half-awake misery.

But why do people stay?

Call centers offer a lucrative future. Agents are well-compensated and gets 20% night shift differential daily. That’s over Php3,500 a month on top of the basic pay. That’s Php3,500 to be working the shift where there are the most drunks, the highest crime rates, and the most number of co-workers who haven’t brushed their teeth for too long. That’s Php3,500 to work when everyone else, including your friends is out partying or snug in bed. That’s Php3,500 to work on Friday and Saturday nights, Christmas Eve and New Year.

But money isn’t the only reason for staying. As for me, the job security, the-come-whatever-time-you-want-flexi schedule, the work environment, the goodbye-to-traffic-on-my-way-to-work daily, the unlimited-surf-all-you-can-until-your-boss-catches-you access to the internet, and the culture that encourages people to develop, grow and take responsibility are reasons that will always keep me from venturing elsewhere.

And on these ghostly working hours, the many great thank-you-for-calling-customer-service-how-may-I-help-you colleagues can almost always drive the night sweats away.

Why the World Needs Superman

*Note: On the height of the Superman Returns Movie craze, I wrote a movie review about it that I submitted as an entry to Literati at fabuloush.com. And although that fabuloush and Circuit Asia Philippines no longer operates here, I thought of posting one of my winning articles here in my blog. So here it is. Hope you like it.

How can one stay self-motivated and productive in the midst of turbulent times when family can be strangers, beauty is superficial and wealth is man's best friend? In this day and age, it seems like only Superman can help save the world.

Thanks to director Bryan Singer, the Man of Steel, after a long visit to the lost remains of the planet Krypton, returns to earth to become the people's savior once again. I saw Superman Returns with my brother 3 days after its release. Regrettably, work schedule and unexpected conference calls prevented me from watching its premier night. My entire two and a half hours inside the theater was spent answering my brother's questions about certain scenes that he didn't quite understand.

My brother is a freshman engineering student at De La Salle. And although he grew up as a smart kid, he was never fascinated in reading DC comics. Or simply, he was never fascinated in reading at all.

In the lead up to the final scene, Lois Lane sits in front of her computer, at a loss for words as she attempts to write the exact opposite of her Pulitzer Prize winning editorial, titled "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman." I still stand firm that Superman Returns lacks heart.

However, the last ten minutes of the film perfectly encapsulates all that is amazing, heart-warning and fabuloushly touching about having Superman in our world.

But do we really need superman?

Maybe.

Maybe the world needs Superman for hope and inspiration. Maybe the world needs Superman for his dedication, heroism, decency and innocence. Maybe the world needs Superman for his bravery and boldness.

But while superman symbolizes justice, truth and freedom, the world needs more than a good-looking man in a tight fitting suit. We need ordinary people willing to do extraordinary deeds without asking anything in return.

We need people who have lived their lives in quiet heroism, love, accomplishment, and sacrifice to make the world a better place. We need people who do "what they need to do" one day, week, month and year at a time.

As the movie credits are being shown on the screen, my brother placed his arms on my shoulder and jokingly said, "I don't need Superman. I just need you kuya. Thanks for the movie treat."

Heroes, according to scholars, have something special that sets them apart from others in their field. Heroes can be peacekeepers, freedom fighters, earth watchers, special writers or ingenious artists. But in some rare occasions, heroes are disguised as brothers trying to enlighten a young inquisitive mind with a free movie pass, popcorn and iced tea.

I give 8 stars for the movie on its own merits. but a perfect ten for making me a hero to my brother and the absolute feeling of happiness I felt as we headed home from the theatre.

Moving Forward

Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them.

We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves.

We let them go, and let ourselves grow.

Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.

Conquering Fear

Anything worth doing will always have some fear attached to it.

For example, getting married, changing careers, migrating to a different country --- all of these life changes can bring up deep fears. It helps to remember that this type of fear is good. It is your way of questioning whether you really want the new life these changes will bring. It is also a potent reminder that releasing and grieving the past is a necessary part of moving into the new.

Fear has a way of throwing us off balance, making us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage us.

Its purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one.

Whenever we face our fear, we overcome an inner obstacle and move into new and life-enhancing territory, both inside and out. The more we learn to respect and even welcome fear, the more we will be able to hear its wisdom, wisdom that will let us know that the time has come to move forward, or not.

While comfort with fear is a contradiction in terms, we can learn to honor our fear, recognizing its arrival, listening to its intelligence, and respecting it as a harbinger of transformation. Indeed, it informs us that the change we are contemplating is significant, enabling us to approach it with the proper reverence.

You might wish to converse with your fear, plumbing its depths for a greater understanding of the change you are making. You could do this by sitting quietly in meditation and listening or by journaling.

Writing down whatever comes up --- your worries, your sadness, your excitement, your hopes --- is a great way to learn about yourself through the vehicle of fear and to remember that fear almost always comes alongside anything worth doing in your life.

300

Shot almost entirely indoors, the Zack Snyder’s film adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel “300” brings memory of “Sin City”, the Quentin Tarantino (well, alongside Frank Miller and Robert Rodriguez) film adaptation of the graphic novel of the same; hip and visually remarkable. Artistic in its noir-ish quality, it’s truly a visual feast for the eyes. Fighting scenes are superb making all other action/war movies look like girls’ catfights (now that’s sexist). Never has an epic war movie been this violent, brutal, enthralling and eye-popping.

Yes it lacks character depth yet that’s something not expected of a movie like this anyway. This testosterone-charged flick gets you off your seats in intense excitement. Kickass fighting, fighting and more fighting is what this movie is all about. Though it may offer not much story to tell, its spectacle deserves awe and appreciation.

Based on fictionalized history, this ballsy film accounts the glorious and tragic battles of the 300 Spartans led by King Leonidas in the point of view of the Spartan soldier, Dilios, during the time Persian King Xerxes demands tribute and submission of all kingdoms. A Persian messenger heads to Sparta to relay the message. Outraged, Leonidas kicks the messenger down into the chasm alongside his men. Anticipating retaliation from Persia, Leonidas devices a battle plan he introduces to the priests who in turn consult the Oracle about it. The Oracle disapproves of the march against Persia but Leonidas dismisses this and prepares his men even without the council’s sanction. Thus marking the start of the many battles the nervy Spartans won mostly. Impressed by the Spartans’ victories by far, Xerxes approaches Leonidas personally promising affluence and power if only Leonidas will surrender. At home, Leonidas’ wife, Queen Gorgo, gathers support for Sparta to send reinforcements.

Violence here is massive in the stylized battles. Heads, limbs cut off, bodies pierced by spears and raining arrows and blood squirting immeasurably are all shown unrestrictedly and excessively as if it won’t be at the mercy of censorship.

Spartans here are depicted as the perfect warriors being very well-trained, fierce and fearless taught never to retreat or to surrender and dyed-in-the-wool to combat.

Growing up, Frank Miller first came across the Spartans when he saw the film “300 Spartans”. His subsequent research brought him to the clashes between Xerxes and the Greeks. His graphic novel “300” is mainly about the Battle of Thermopylae adorned with fictitious events and creatures/characters. The Persian King Xerxes is interestingly portrayed as an obscure individual with streamlined eye brows, longer nails, even wearing make-up different from what History books make us picture him.

The movie, more than just a battle, talks about sacrifice. Leonidas and his men are on a suicide mission. Knowing his 300 men can’t overthrow the Persian army, he still presses on knowing they will achieve something. Something that will soon unite and ignite the whole country.

The movie is also about giving the audience the chance to experience something different—the battles, the landscape, the feel. I don’t know how much of the film has been faithful to Miller’s “300” but the film looks handsome a compilation of meticulously accomplished images joined together to create a film.

Reminiscent of “Sin City,” this film with its excessive, never-before-seen, exquisite violence, aside from its noir-ish look, ear-breaching musical score and vainglorious, kick-ass turns of phrase, is a must-see. Daym yeah!

Thank you Lord

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings, thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible, thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, tempers are short, and my siblings are so loud, thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazine and the menu is at times unbalanced, thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous, thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest, thank you, Lord, for life.

Amen.

Turning Point

You’re off the hook.

I’ve never really put much faith in all that “if you love someone, set them free” crap, as evidenced by everything I’ve done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy.

Happy in this life.

And I love you. I mean, I always –--- I have always, always loved you.

But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man’s friend.

So I have to get right with that and be happy now.

Because this is it.

I mean, this is all that we get...

I also want for you to be happy. It’s really important for me that you be happy. I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself.

I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I’m with you.

So I guess the point to this long, run on sentence that’s been the last ten years of our lives... is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me.

PGH SCANDAL

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENT'S MEDICAL CHARTS at PGH:

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

3. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. The patient refused autopsy.

8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

9. She is numb from her toes down.

10. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

11. The skin was moist and dry.

12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

13. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

14. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

15. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

16. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

17. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

18. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

19. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

*******

Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology Department kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at Radiotherapy. Dito ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga pinoy medical terms. May mga pasyente o bantay na aking nasasalubong, ang madalas magtanong ng direksyon.

Mga Versions ng CT Scan:

1. "Dok saan po ba ang Siete Scan?"

2. "Doc saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull"

3. "Doc saan po ba CT Scalp"

4. "Doc saan po ang CT Scam?"

**********

Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room.

"Doc saan po ba ang Cobal" Yes, laging walang T.

Marami ang gumagamit sa term na Cobal. Saan napunta ang "T". Marami din kasing nagtatanong,

"Doc, saan po ba ang papuntang X-Tray?"

Conclusion: Ang "T" ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray.

*********

7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong doktor ng Instruction sa bantay ng pasyente, "Mister, punta po kayo sa Central Block at magpa-schedule kayo ng X-ray ng pasyente ninyo."

3:00 pm.

Kadarating lang ng bantay.

Nagalit na ang Doktor, "Mister, bakit naming napakatagal ninyong bumalik?

Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang X-ray ah."

Sumagot ang bantay, "Eh kasi po Doc, ang tagal kong naghintay sa gate, haggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank kasi Sabado ngayon." (Nasa Roxas Blvd ang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at sarado nga naman yon kapag Sabado)!

***********

Nang mag-rotate ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?"

Mrs 1 : "Doc phenobarbiedoll po."

Doktor: "Ah baka po phenobarbital. " (Gamot sa convulsion ang phenobarbital)

**********

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?"

Mrs 2: "Doc metromanilazole po."

Doktor: "Ah baka po metronidazole. " (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)

************

Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)

Doktor: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na Po kayo sa PACU.

Mrs 3: "Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?

***********

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit ng inyong anak?"

Mrs 4: "Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.

Doktor: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang Congenital Heart Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)

************

Biglang nagtatarang ang isang nanay at sumigaw. Mrs: "Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, Doc!"

Doktor: "Nurse, diazepam please, nag-seizure ang pasyente!"

*************

Doktor: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"

Mrs. 6 : May ketong daw po.

In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang Dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.

Doktor: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang Sakit ng bata?"

Mrs : "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang

ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes."

Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa Ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)

**************

Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor)

"Mrs.pumutok na po ba ang panubigan mo?"

Mrs:"Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog." (Hanep!)

My Little Walled Heart

I built walls around myself, tight, closed in walls, so it's like a real small room.

And I put in a door to my small room that I lived in. And every now and then I allowed someone to come in and stay for a time.

Once I let them come in it meant that they had a piece of my heart. That for that time I cared for them and loved them.

During that time they had the power to make me happy and they had the power to make me sad. But, after a while, I would make them leave my small room. And once they exited they were gone. They no longer held their power to bring me joy and they no longer had the power to sadden me.

It was done.

Complete.

Of course I allowed some to simply stay. They came and they didn't leave. I didn't want them too. I enjoyed having them in my little walled in heart and I wanted them to stay. These people made things good for me. They added to me. And I cared for them. They brought me laughter and tears. They fill in the walls around my heart with happiness and love.

I want them there. I want them in my heart for always.

I care about these people so very much and I know I always will.

Marvin Analyzed

Where my soul originated:

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal blue water, near the sea is where you belong.

Marvin, definition: The Progressive, Unconventional, Determined Freedom Fighter

While the name Marvin creates the urge to be creative and original, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation.

This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the solar plexus, and tension or accidents to the head.

Your first name of Marvin has given you a quick, analytical mind…

You are creative, versatile, and imaginative. However, independence, positivity and the urge for action and progress are such strong forces in your nature that you find it difficult to control them.

You feel happy as long as headway is being made, but as soon as you are obstructed or your individuality and freedom of action are restricted, you experience an intense nervous reaction.

Moods of depression can result during which you become sarcastic and stubborn in your attitude toward everyone, especially to those in closest association with you.

This is a name that produces a great deal of emotional adrenaline and hyperactivity. It may not be appropriate for a naturally restless individual.

Health: D
Financial Potential: A
Professional/Job Success: A
Relationship/Compatibility: D
Charisma/Sex Appeal: B+
Communication Ability: B-

The influence is primarily masculine whether this name is used for a female or male.

Gump & Company, Forrest Gump sequel?

It worked for 1976 Best Picture winner Rocky, so who knows? Maybe a sequel to the 1994 Oscar champ isn't such a crazy idea after all.

Forrest Gump may help illuminate more of 20th Century history. DarkHorizons.com reports producers Steve Tisch and Wendy Finerman are reconsidering the script for Gump & Company, a sequel to Forrest Gump.

The script was written six years ago by Eric Roth, but ended up on the shelf, while Forrest Gump's creator, novelist Wilson Groom, worked out disputes over royalties from the original film adaptation. Now that the issue is settled, Gump may run again.

The storyline is set to pick up several years after the end of the first film. Gump's shrimp fishery has gone out of business, and Forrest will be an unemployed single father who somehow manages to be at the center of the most important historical events, this time of the 80's and 90s. Apparently the storyline even has him meeting an actor by the name of Tom Hanks.

Hanks and Gary Sinese are part of the planning, but no decisions have been made as to whether the sequel will be made, and if it is, who will star.

Waiting in vain

So it's been a little over 3 months now since that fateful day where my life turned upside down and that which I held as a constant suddenly became far too unsteady. Though I try to mask my uncertainty in a veil of confidence, at times like these, I can't help but wonder where I go from here.

If three weeks ago you had held up to me the freedom I now have, I would have very seriously considered grasping at it. And yet now here I am such a short time later with the very thing I used to desire, and all the feelings I once had have vanished. Freedom is no good when the desire to use it is lost.

I struggle with where I'm supposed to head from here. I want a monogamous relationship with someone, and nothing is holding me back from it, but yet any relationship I get into will surely be unable to escape the fact that I don't want another boyfriend. In my heart there is room for but one boy, and though he has chosen to vacate at present his place remains.

In a way everything has changed, and yet nothing has changed. Protocol no longer binds me, but my heart refuses to move on.

If I were assured the fortune of my wait, I would endure it joyfully. I am confident, yet insecure. I want that which I had, and yet I have no way to assure myself that it is something I can reacquire. What if it isn't, and I spend my time here in vain, waiting patiently for that which will never be mine?

I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to reach out and affect the situation. I hate that nothing will change for months. I hate not being able to just sit down with him, and let his confusion and insecurity drain away. I hate the separation. I hate not being able to think, "That boy loves me, and one day he's going to marry me."

What is it that says things have to be this way? Is the situation really so dire that being apart is the only course of action? Why can't we work through this together, helping each other and supporting each other as we grow and change? Change is not something to be scared of; it's something to embrace. Of course we'll change, and be much better as a result. Was our relationship so tenuous that it could only survive if we had stayed exactly as we were?

Where do I go from here? Do I hold out in my confidence, sure that what we had is what I really believed it to be? Do I move on? Can the two mix? Is it possible to move on while holding out? What would that be? How could I possibly embrace one person while in my heart holding a spot for another? How is that fair to any party involved?

In my insecurity I find solace in facts. Fact: I am in love with an amazing boy. Fact: I believe we're meant to be together. Fact: I believe that despite his confusion he'll be able to find nothing to compare with what we had.

Time progresses. People change. Situations change. Confidence waivers. Only my feelings remain.

They will remain forever.

My Local Celebrity look-alike

My Celebrity look-alikes

Strangers in the Background

Have you ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background?

Looking at this picture with my friend Mitch (taken at 6780 building, parking lot) made me wonder how many strangers have pictures of me...

How many moments of other people's lives we've been in...

Were we a part of a stranger's life when their dreams came true? Or were we there when their dreams died?

Did we keep trying to get in --- as if we were destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise?

Just think, you, me, we could all be a big part of someone else's life and not even know it.

Makes me think...

Walt Disney's First Black Princess

The Walt Disney Co. has started production on an animated musical fairy tale called "The Frog Princess," which will be set in New Orleans and feature the Walt Disney Studio's first black princess.

The company unveiled the plans Thursday at its annual shareholders' meeting in New Orleans.

John Lasseter, chief creative officer for Disney and the Disney-owned unit Pixar Animation Studios, said the movie would return to the classic hand-drawn animation process, instead of using computer animation that has become the industry standard. He called the film "an American fairy tale."

"The film's New Orleans setting and strong princess character give the film lots of excitement and texture," Walt Disney Studios Chairman Dick Cook said.

The movie will be scored by Randy Newman, who also wrote the music for Disney's "Toy Story," "A Bug's Life" "Toy Story 2," "Monsters, Inc." and "Cars."

Newman performed a song from the score for the shareholders.

John Musker and Ron Clements, who co-directed "The Little Mermaid" "Aladdin," and "Hercules" will co-direct the movie. The pair also wrote the story for the film.

Disney said its new animated princess Maddy will be added to its collection of animated princesses used at the company's theme parks and on consumer products.

Know Me More

1. Would you marry for money?
--> No. I have lots of money. I need love. And love is something money can’t buy.

2.Have you had braces?
--> Nope. I have great teeth. Hehehe.

3.Could you live without a computer?
--> hell yes. It’s not a necessity.

4.If you could live in any past time period where would it be?
--> dark ages. sooo romantic. and so dead.

5. Do you drink enough water?
--> yep. The body is made up of 70% of water and I make sure I sustain my body with it.

6.Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?
--> barefoot. aaaah the cold marble floor.

7.What are your favorite fruits?
--> apples and strawberries

8.What is your favorite place to visit?
--> The Church

9. Are you photogenic?
--> yes. Sometimes I wish I could be a photo for a day so I could frame myself up in the museum. hahaha

10. Do you dream in color or black and white?
--> damn confusing vivid colors.

11.Why do you take surveys?
--> well, I want people to know me. kahit bits of info lang.

12.Do you drink alcohol?
--> Everybody does.

13. What is the most beautiful language?
--> Language of the heart.

14. Do you like being kissed when you are asleep?
--> NO. I prefer to fight back.

15. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?
--> sunset. sobra. the colors. The beauty. haaaayyyy

16. Do you want to live to be 100?
--> NO DAMN WAY! i wanna die looking good and not all prune-like and wrinkly. LOL!

17. Is a flat stomach important to you?
--> I am so striving for that. =)

18. Are you tolerant of other people's beliefs?
--> yep. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion. Just don’t push it too much dude!

19.When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?
--> ay sus. who ever heard of watching movies with the lights on?!

20. Do you believe in magic?
--> No. not everything "magical" is real. most of them are illusions to make us believe they are.

21.Do you think you can draw well?
--> No. Stick figures lang. Hehehe. I’m such a “righty.”

22.Do you like to watch cartoons?
--> hell yeah!

23.At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?
--> I never believed in Santa Claus but I believe in the magic of Christmas.

24. Do you write poetry?
--> yes. Scroll down and you’ll see.

25.Do you snore?
--> i dont unless after sex or sobrang pagod... studies show na mas nagsosnore ang natutulog ng nakatihaya... around 80% ata. or something. Then 60% pag nakatagilid. pero almost 10% lang ng nakadapa. eh nakadapa ako matulog. LOL!

26. you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?
--> nakadapa... so ON my front! LOL!

27.Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?
--> a silly looking jack russell.

28. Are you basically a happy person?
--> yep. in a very dark sort of way. LOL!

29.Are you tired?
--> not one bit.

30. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?
--> nope. walang grande wet warm quad ristretto vanilla cappuccino sa bahay.

31. Have you ever met the one off the internet?
--> LOL. mai pen rai.

32. How many phones do you have in your house?
--> phones? 3. ang line? isa! LOL!

33.Do you get along with your parents?
--> sorta! sila ang di maka get along sa akin!

34. Do u smoke?
--> a lot!

35. If you're gonna talk to someone today, who would it be?
--> myself. I’d tell him to move on, be happy and enjoy. LOL.

Forever Friends

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it.

Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.

Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
This is forever friendship.

When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full.

Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times.

If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows.

If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on.

Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay.

And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry.

You have a forever friend, and forever has no end.

Jonathan Fragata

Jonathan Fragata

I hate Jon! Don’t you just love to hate people who seem to have it all? Perfect teeth... Perfect hair... Perfect abs… I hate Jon! hahaha.

Jon is the baddest good guy I know. The perfect balance of someone who is reliable, responsible, and totally real, yet knows that a little immorality can be good for the soul. Someone who does what has to be done, yet still has a suitcase of bad-boy stories to brag about to his grandchildren one day. Naturally on the wavelength of the abstract, he seems to be on a deeper level of understanding than most people I know. You can talk to him about anything and he guards secrets with his life.Jon never fails to amuse me. Heck, nobody surprises me, (and scares me to death) with what he can do, what he can blurt out, and who he can brawl with (hehe, my apologies for the term), just like Jon does. But the good thing about that is that he can do all these for his friends. That makes me very lucky indeed (for I can't afford to have him otherwise... hehe).

Jonathan Fragata is one heck of a daring, bold, courageous young guy.

While Sigmund Freud believed in psychoanalysis, Jon believed in getting off one’s bottom and living life…

While Sigmund Freud said it’s about the past, Jon says it’s about today, it’s about the future: where we’re going not where we’ve come from.

Jon, I really am thankful for the friendship we share. I have learned a lot from this lad who possesses so much courage to do whatever he thinks is necessary, even if it may be unconventional to some most of the time. But come to think of it, to a certain extent, don’t we all wish to have such audacity too?

Today Jon, I want to thank you. Not for anything special, but just because you have a great personality that makes you pleasant to be around. Not just because you are so much fun, but because you know when and how to be serious. Not just because I feel like I can talk to you about pretty much anything but because you make friendship seem like no work at all, and even though that's the way it should be . . . Not every friendship is easy.

Although there are so many wonderful things about you . . . I want to thank you most of all for just being you. Because when you are just being you, it's so naturally comfortable being me.

Dude, I may not have been that expressive, but I truly am grateful for the friendship. Please continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours.

And when it seems you have no where to run, when it can’t get any worse… when you need a shoulder, when there is no one left to turn to… I will be here… as I always have.

Marvin

On Reading

I collected those long, melancholy lists of the great books that high school English teachers passed out to college-bound students, and I relied on having consumed those serious litanies of books as a way to ease my way into the literary life.

Even today, I hunt for the fabulous books that will change me utterly and for all time. Great writing sticks to your soul the way beggar's lice adheres to your pants cuffs after a walk through untended fields.

I find myself happiest in the middle of a book in which I forget that I am reading, but am instead immersed in a made-up life lived at the highest pitch.

Here is what I want from a book, what I demand, what I pray for when I take up a novel and begin to read the first sentence: I want everything and nothing less, the full measure of a writer's heart. I want a novel so poetic that I do not have to turn to the standby anthologies of poetry to satisfy that itch for music, for perfection and economy of phrasing, for exactness of tone.

Then, too, I want a book so filled with story and character that I read page after page without thinking of food or drink because a writer has possessed me, crazed me with an unappeasable thirst to know what happens next.

All through my life I have told myself -- no, ordered myself -- to read more deeply, read everything of consequence, let the words of some new writer settle like the dust of silica into the ledges and sills of my consciousness.

Bad Days

I was functioning, moving forward, solving problems one at a time, but it was as if the very ground I walked on, the air I breathed was precarious and new. As if everything had changed, because I had changed.

I knew better.

I knew that no matter how bad you feel, or whatever horrible thing happens to you, that the world just keeps on going. The rest of the world doesn’t even realize that the monsters are eating your heart.

A long time ago it used to bother me that I could be in such confusion, such pain, and the world just didn’t give a shit. The world, the creation as a whole, is designed to move forward, to keep on keeping on without any one individual person.

It feels damned impersonal, and it is.

But, then, if the world stopped rotating just because one of us was having a bad day, we’d all be floating out in space.

Philippine Election 2007

Legislative and local elections are to be held in the Philippines on May 14, 2007. Positions being contested include half the seats in the Senate. The 2007 Elections are known as the Philippine midterm election as the election date falls half-way through President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's current six-year term.

All the seats in the Philippine House of Representatives are up for grabs. Representatives are elected for three year terms. The duly elected legislators of the 2007 elections will join the elected senators of the 2004 elections and will comprise the 14th Congress of the Philippines.

Most representatives win seats by being elected directly, the constituency being a geographical district comprising of about 250,000 voters. There are 212 seats in total for all the legislative districts. There are also seats for organized representation of special minorities. Such representatives gain one seat for every 2% of the total number of votes in the national electorate, but are limited to three seats. Local elections for governor, vice governor, mayoral posts (provinces only) and mayoral posts in Metro Manila are up for grabs as well.

TEAM Unity

TEAM (Together Everyone Achieves More) Unity is a coalition composed mostly of supporters and erstwhile critics of current Philippine president, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. Team Unity seeks to take several Senate seats in oder to ensure the passage of President Arroyo's legislative programs and also to protect her from any impeachment attempts by the political opposition after the midterm elections.

Genuine Opposition

The United Opposition Coalition was created by Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay on June 2005 to unite all politicians who wish to impeach Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. The UNO started scouting candidates for the Senate as early as October 2006 to claim a large share in the Senate seats. On January 2007, UNO started short listing its nominees after a large number interested personalities wanted to join the opposition. The UNO has changed its name on February 12, 2007 at the Club Filipino in San Juan, Metro Manila to "Grand and Broad Coalition" (GBC). On February 15, 2007 the group changed its named again to "Genuine Opposition" after a meeting with Senate President Manny Villar in his office in Las Piñas. Though the Senate President Manny Villar and Senate Majority Leader Francis Pangilinan are running under the Opposition, they remain Independent Candidates like in the Philippine general election, 2001. Then on February 28, 2007, the Genuine Opposition dropped Francis Pangilinan as its Adopted Candidate.

Moving On...

I'm moving on... and if I feel the need to cry, it will not be for the heart ache you've made, but for not we might have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that I felt, but I will cry because of the love that I was never able to share, with the one guy I fell for.

I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the guy who left.

I am moving on. I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left, but that once you stayed. No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much... I will try not to think of you, but when I wake up in the morning I ask myself if somehow you are also awake.

I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of.

No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my breakfast wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in, just to have some privacy to sadly think of you, cry or do some foolish things because of you.

I've had enough. I'll try to hold back the tears when I think of you. I'll just try to smile. And no, never will I again think of you last, when I go to sleep. Sleep is my only rest, so please don't plague me in my dreams.

I will give my affections to any guy who is in need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give him the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours. Worthy or not worthy of it, at least he's here, you're not.

I am moving on, hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

Moral Fashionistas

Have you ever seen an old photo of yourself and been embarrassed at the way you looked? --- “Did we actually dress like that?”

We did.

And we had no idea how silly we looked. It's the nature of fashion to be invisible, in the same way the movement of the earth is invisible to all of us riding on it.

What scares me is that there are moral fashions too. They're just as arbitrary, and just as invisible to most people. But they're much more dangerous. Fashion is mistaken for good design; moral fashion is mistaken for good. Dressing oddly gets you laughed at. Violating moral fashions can get you fired, ostracized, imprisoned, or even killed.

If you could travel back in a time machine, one thing would be true no matter where you went: you'd have to watch what you said. Opinions we consider harmless could have gotten you in big trouble. I've already said at least one thing that would have gotten me in big trouble in most of my eighteen months of work, like what placed Galileo in big trouble when he said it --- that the earth moves.

Nerds are always getting in trouble. They say improper things for the same reason they dress unfashionably and have good ideas: convention has less hold over them.

It seems to be a constant throughout history: In every period, people believed things that were just ridiculous, and believed them so strongly that you would have gotten in terrible trouble for saying otherwise.

Is our time any different?

To anyone who has read any amount of history, the answer is almost certainly no. It would be a remarkable coincidence if ours were the first era to get everything just right.

Confessions of Love

This entry is prompted by the noblest of impulses so don't misunderstand the noble mission it is going to convey.

When I met you, as if by a God-sent blessing, I thought that I saw a light of soft understanding.

What had come over me?

I was not like this before.

Yes before I met you, I lived a peaceful life. I could go and return home and feel no trouble. But now, I am disturbed mind and soul.

It cannot be my imagination or is it that love has struck too deeply and that I must pay sacrifice for what is asked of me? I have tried to restrain myself. I have tried to stifle my longings knowing that I am not even fit to grace your side.

But Cupid's orders are imperative.

Who am I to battle the call of fate? I know that when I saw you, Cupid had marked me for his victim. Yes, it is love that has taken root in my heart. But I have been so foolish to hug delusions to my heart.

I should not have persisted even when I saw the shadow of your winsome smile.

Let me console myself that I have loved you in name only, a way that lingers only in imagination, in mere dreams, in fantasy, the creation of mind. Here I am still longing for your attention.

I love you!

Always take care.

Captain America Dies

Captain America has undertaken his last mission --- at least for now. The venerable superhero is killed in the issue of his namesake comic that hit stands Wednesday, the Daily News reported.

On the new edition's pages, a sniper shoots down the shield-wielding hero as he leaves a courthouse, according to the newspaper.

It ends a long run for the stars-and-stripes-wearing character, created in 1941 to incarnate patriotic feeling during World War II. Over the years, an estimated 210 million copies of "Captain America" comic books, published by New York-based Marvel Entertainment Inc., have been sold in a total of 75 countries.

But resurrections are not unknown in the world of comics, and Marvel Entertainment editor in chief Joe Quesada said a Captain America comeback wasn't impossible.

Still, the character's death came as a blow to co-creator Joe Simon.

In the comic-book universe, death is not always final. But even if Captain America turns out to have met his end in print, he may not disappear entirely: Marvel has said it is developing a Captain America movie.

Wrong Move

Life is like a game of chess, in which there are an infinite number of complex moves possible.
The choice is open, but the move contains within itself all future moves.

One is free to choose, but what follows is the result of one's choice. From the consequences of one's action there is never any escape.

Along life’s track we do make wrong moves. We do commit mistakes.

But maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are.
After all, seasons change. So do we. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart...

And if you're very lucky, just a bus ride away.

My last star has fallen...

In what seemed like one split second I lost what I held most dear to me... at the mere blink of an eye it was all gone... so I ran after you, and held on as tight as my tiny hand could grasp.

Already weak from all the torment I could not allow myself to let go.

Love that once shined so bright turned dark and angry...

I loved you more than I ever dreamed of loving someone. You were the last star in my big lonely sky. My only dream ever to come true...

But now you’re going to end up like all the rest.

I tried...I tried so hard.

But my love isn't enough anymore. I will never forget you.

My last star has fallen...

Babies May Think Deep Thoughts

Baby may not be saying much at five months but she could be thinking deep thoughts.

Researchers have found that five-month-old babies can comprehend concepts for which they have not yet learned words, thus answering the age-old question: Which comes first, an idea or the language to express it?

"How do we think about the world before we are corrupted by culture and the world?" One way to learn is to look at babies.

Researchers found that 5-month-old babies being reared in English-speaking homes were able to grasp the difference between a loose fit and a tight fit - putting a pencil into a plastic cup, for instance, versus stacking a second cup inside the first. By showing that babies growing up in English-speaking homes are sensitive to the distinction, the researchers demonstrated that some forms of thinking do precede language.

Moreover, infants seem to share fundamental ideas about the world around them that languages later alter.

Babies can learn any language but eventually lose the ability to detect foreign sounds - this is partly why it is difficult to learn a second language at an older age.

However, humans don't lose the ability to learn distinctions in meaning.

Mature Love

Contrary to Nina’s “I don’t want to be your friend”, I am not going to hate him because you want me to. I am not going to be mean to him just because he was mean to me. I am not going to fall out of love with him, just because he fell out first.

I am going to sit next to him… I am going to talk to him… I am going to be his best friend.

Unlike you, I do not hate him for what he did.

I am not mad,

I no longer hurt.

I do miss him … sometimes more than others … today was one of those sometimes. I miss talking to him, I miss hugging him when I get my SuperSup award. I miss sharing everything with him.

I don’t miss being with him really; I just miss him being there. I want him in my life and if I have to come home every night and cry myself to sleep because I am not the person who makes him happy, I will.

But I will not hate him…

I will not be mad at him…

I will be his friend.

Ride On

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.

The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.

Life is like an old time journey...

Delays…
Sidetracks…
Smoke…
Dust…
Cinders…
And jolts…

… Interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas, and thrilling bursts of speed.

The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride…

So, ride on…

Lisa Guerrero

Best friends hang tough. They don’t come with ‘Fragile’ stickers and are not easily scared off, or ticked off.

Best friends help you out whenever they can, make time for you even when they don’t have any, and trust your friendship enough to say ‘no’.

Best friends are cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die, good-times-and-bad-times, borrow-anything, tell-you-everything, trust-you-with-their-deepest-darkest-secrets, always-and-forever friends.

And Lisa? You don’t have to ask that. She will always be one of my best friends. =)

Lisa always wear a sweet smile that never fails to brighten up my day… she manages to transform a not-so-nice mood into a good one, without even trying. This lady is pretty tough. She's definitely on her way up that corporate ladder! Imagine, a trainer at such a young age and in such a short period of time. (Now, you beat that!) =)

Whenever I see corporate clothes, I am reminded of Lisa. The killer office get-up/power dressing is indicative of this woman's incomparable passion to succeed. Probably one of the most resolute and determined people I know, she has her definite plans set, and she is positively on her way to realizing them.

Lisa is also a living proof of that Nike advertisement tag line -à JUST DO IT. I bet she knows what I mean. =) Hehe.

To say Lisa is a die-hard romantic would be an understatement. She just follows her heart. She won’t settle for the second best. She knows what she wants and gets them or better yet gets HIM. Hehe.

Another thing, mediocrity isn't in her dictionary, because whenever she's engaged in an endeavor, she always gives her all, and ensures that her output is the best she could come up with. She's so passionate and driven; you'll be inspired to work hard as well.

Lisa sees no point in looking back at what she didn't get done. She chooses, instead, to acknowledge where she is and where she wants to be; then determines what steps it will take to get her there --- I bet my bottom dollar she’ll get there… with flying colors… in time. =)

There’s no point in being redundant. ---> She’s just the best. =)

One-Night-Stand

I’m not looking for sex. Hell no. I cannot sleep with someone I don't love.

I enjoy foreplay, gibberish, pillow talks, cuddling more than the real thing. And the reason I said if I sleep with you, will you love me is because I understand bi-guys lately have been so hooked to it they follow the sex first before anything rule.

Much as I abhor that, I cannot but just ask ok, if I sleep with you, will you love me?

DO NOT GET ME WRONG! IM NO HOE! I'M THE HOPELESS ROMANTIC TYPE who feels the heart first before the skin!

Again, I’m looking for good-looking/younger/ boyish/maamo/ innocent-looking bi-guys who are into relationships, who could possibly love me after the night is over.

I do not want to wake up alone. No players please. No invites for one-night-stand --- this all just saddens me with the thought that people have frog leaped into intolerable wanton.

PLEASE!!!!!

I Miss You

I miss you when something really good happens; you're the one I want to share it with.

I miss you when something is troubling me because you're the one who understands me so well.

I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one who makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear.

I miss you most when I lie awake at night thinking of all the wonderful times we spent with each other for those were some of the best and most memorable times of my life.

I guess, sometimes, when you hold out for everything...

you walk away with nothing.

Fear

My mom told me once that when you're afraid of something, what you want more than anything else is to make it go away.

You want your life back to the way it was before you found out that there was something to be afraid of.

You want to build a high wall and live your old life behind it. But nothing ever stays the same.

That's not your old life at all.

That's your new life with a wall around it.

Your choice is not about going back to the way things were. Your choice is about hiding, or about going right to the heart of the thing that scares you.

Time and Tide

There is something wrong with me.

Seriously, I used to be able to get all sorts of stuff done each day and still have time, most days, to relax afterwards. In fact there were some days when I could just lay around, read, watch TV, or whatever, sometimes to the extent that I'd actually get bored and wonder just exactly what I could do with my time. Those days are gone, though, and something must be wrong with me because I sure don't understand what could have changed about the world to make this so.

Sure, when I look at it closely there are some things that are different. The biggest is the Internet. I spend a lot of time surfing and reading on the net, usually in the night once my shift starts and ends not until the morning of the next day. (Hey I work graveyard, =) that would explain it. LOL.) That probably accounts for at least 3 hours a day and more like nine hours a day. Still, it seems I should have more time.

Maybe television should be blamed, but realistically I probably watched as much TV as a kid as now - at least as far as shows I watch with dedication every week. I don't count just having the TV on to watch something in the background. I easily admit that the TV is on much more often now than as a kid, largely due to the varied offerings of cable, but I don't see this as sucking away my time. I can take TV or leave it.

I also see myself losing time because of some of my obsessive-compulsive activities. Really, though, these things are more disconcerting than they are really consumers of time - they bother me more that I have them and can't avoid them than they bother me because they consume a whole lot of time.

Yes, they take up time from my day, but not a lot, and certainly they rarely keep me from doing something else. I expect I lose maybe an hour a day from this sort of behavior, maybe more on some days, but that's still not a huge dent in my available time.

The biggest difference between now and those "olden days" when I used to feel like I had more time, is that I'm older. Huhuhuh. I am 23 already. Yes, being in my early twenties has made me, physically, slow down a bit. ( Excuses!! =) LOL).

Some of that's due to the effects of age and some is due to being out of shape and some is due to the fact that I do not have an inspiration to do anything, but the effect is the same - I don't have the energy to move and do the things I love to do. But not having energy doesn't seem to equate with not having time. It's not like I sleep more because I have less energy. I may even sleep less now than when I was a kid, actually. Getting older seems like the biggest issue, but I can't see how it really makes any difference.

And really, I can't find any reason at all that I don't feel like I have any time to relax - or even enough time to do what needs to be done. I wonder if it will always be this way? Will I retire, sometime around being 80 or something, and find once again that I have all sorts of time on my hands, or will I still be struggling to keep up with all that has to be done.

I certainly hope that by then, or more hopefully well before then, that I can find extra time in the day to wind down and enjoy myself. I need to make up for a lot of such lost time, and I'm looking forward to having it again.

Frog Prince Charming?

You've got to accept the fact that life isn't a fairy tale… things aren't always happily ever after.

Things like magic wishes, Prince Charmings and true love don't happen in real life. Magic wishes come from money, Prince Charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes.

And true love?

Ha, true love is one-sided, Ace. You love her, she loves someone else. She loves you, you love someone else.

Never quite works out does it?

So you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love.

Real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it.

'If you wish, it'll happen.' Well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster.

Welcome to reality.

Enjoy your stay.

Another Box

Forrest Gump once said: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you’ll never know what you’re gonna get.” But, I say: “Life is like a box of chocolates: a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift no one ever asks for.” --- Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates….

Another box of cheap crap..

So you're stuck with this mostly indefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat during lunch break or a game.

Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but it's gone too soon and the taste is fleeting.

In the end you're left with nothing but broken bits of hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but useless brown paper wrappers.