Once In a While

So often life is every bit as good, if not better, than the wonderful make-believe movies we love to watch.

It has all the same joy and sorrow, mystery and suspense, adventure and excitement, and love and emotion --- except it's real.

Live your life as if it were a great movie --- complete with a happy ending.

…Because once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life...

Love gives us a fairy tale.

Only That Moon

Sometimes I feel like there is a hole inside me... An emptiness that, at times, seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.

And the moon in Makati tonight: there's a circle around it --- a sign of trouble not far behind.

I have this dream of being whole... Of not going to sleep each night wanting, but still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.

I just want someone to love me.

I want to be seen.

I don't know...

Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it, but there is no man...

Only that moon.

Helpless Puppets

There are moments in your life that make you... that set the course for who you're going to be.

Sometimes they're little subtle moments.

Sometimes they're not…

Bottom line is even when you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. Nobody asks for his or her life to change.

Not really, but it does.

So what are we helpless Puppets?

No, the big moments are going to come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts...

That’s when you find out who you are.

Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal

There was a time that it never seemed to matter much…

No --- that’s not true –-- There was a time I deceived myself into thinking that it didn’t matter much; A time when I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be: Successful, wealthy, independent, helpful, knowledgeable…
How did I allow myself to lose everything I stood for… everything I wanted? When did I give up and give in?

Where did I go to be so far from reality?

Who was I kidding?

Maybe it was all me, afraid to face reality, afraid to face rejection, afraid to face loss and pain and emptiness…

Maybe I realized that I couldn’t be what I wanted, couldn’t be where I wanted, and couldn’t have what I needed…

Maybe I thought I could have my reality if I lived up to everyone else’s first…

Maybe I was just a fool…

Now reality is here and I can’t turn away. I can’t hide; can’t run fast enough or far enough. All the pain and loss, all of the wrong choices, all of the missed opportunities, all of the loneliness…

My reality envelops me, washes through every pore, and flows through me with more strength than my blood…

Pain, anger, fear, and longing have become so constant and omnipresent that I can no longer feel them individually or feel any other emotions at all. My reality pulls me down into that same abyss I have feared my whole life, But I still retain a faint glimmer of hope (fool that I am).

Truth, passion, joy, bonding, caring, love --– It seems so simple. Shouldn’t these things come to everyone? Why for others and not for me?

How can I live without the only things that really matter?

Who am I kidding?!

Why I drink Beer

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

A leopard can't change his stripes and neither can a queer.

Brian Kinney: You stupid little twat, never let anyone fuck you without a condom.
Justin: You're not just anyone.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, I'm sure that's what Ben thought about the guy who infected him. Put it on me... I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.

Queer As Folk is a TV series that has changed the way I look at life, love, friends and sex. After seeing season one, I just knew that my life and my perspective would never be the same again.

My fascination with Queer As Folk started when my ex-boyfriend who works in a gay-lesbian oriented magazine introduced the TV series to me. Being the influential guy that he is, I quickly got interested into seeing the said TV flick.

Since then, I have been following the trail of events of this not so usual, groundbreaking series.

Michael Charles Novotny: I don't know how you do it, working all day, fucking all night.
Brian Kinney: Well they say in the vast emptiness of space, the faster you move, the slower you age. I have to believe the same holds true for Pittsburgh. You care to join me?
Michael Charles Novotny: You'll have to stay forever young without me.
Brian Kinney: I understand, you're in a committed relationship with your, what is that hideous expression? Significant other? Loser.

Queer As Folk is an innovative, provocative, and groundbreaking series that chronicles the friendships, careers, loves, trials, tribulations, and ambitions of a diverse group of gay men and lesbians living in Pittsburgh, PA. Blending strong drama with necessary charm and humor, Queer As Folk rivals any other show presented on television.

It provides viewers with a graphic & intense (and sometimes controversial) view of several different issues such as love, relationships, sex, friendship, personal highs & lows, and life in the gay and lesbian community.

Justin: [to his father] If you wanna hit me go right ahead. Because I'm not gonna cry like some little faggot. And if you wanna send me off to boarding school that's fine too. Because I bet more butt fucking goes on in boarding schools than in the back room of Babylon. But whatever you do, it doesn't matter. Because I'll still be your queer son.

A major part of the show's high likeability most definitely lies in its highly talented cast of characters; the comedic, boy-next-door Michael (Hal Sparks) and his charming boyfriend Ben (Robert Gant), the undeniably sexy and promiscuous Brian (Gale Harold), flamboyant and undaunted Emmett (Peter Paige), modest Ted (Scott Lowell), a "two steps forward, two steps back" kind of guy, and the young, talented, romance-crazed Justin (Randy Harrison).
Also adding the show's charm are its three resident ladies: Melanie (Michelle Clunie) & Lindsay (Thea Gill), a high-spirited and loveable lesbian couple raising a family together, and Debbie (Sharon Gless), Michael's ever-so-proud and delightful mother.

Ted: [on dating a guy who's HIV positive] It's like playing with fire. I mean... what if a condom breaks? Or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed?
Brian: Or he shoots off his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe and it accidentally flies up your ass...

With its mix of loveable characters, captivating story lines, and undeniable charm, Queer As Folk has, over the years, definitely evolved into the compelling and ever-so-popular show it was destined to be.

We continue to learn every single day

Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh.

I've learned...

…That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

…That when you're in love, it shows. I’m in love. I have always been in love. =)

… That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

… That being kind is more important than being right.

…That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

… That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

… That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

… That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

…That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

… That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

… That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

… That money doesn't buy class and love and friends

.… That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

… That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

… That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

… That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

… That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

… That in love --- time heals all wounds.

… That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

… That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

… That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

… That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

… That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

… That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

… That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

… That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

… That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

… That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

… That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

… That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

… That it’s my dad’s birthday yesterday.

… That Kuya Cesar is already dead.

… That Chiz Escudero is leading the senatorial slate.

… That it’s already late and I need to sleep because we are leaving early tomorrow morning.

… That this blog entry is getting a little longer than I thought.

… That I have to end it right now. =)

In a nutshell: We can never stagnate in this life. There are just too many things to learn… and yes, lessons? --- There’s plenty for everyone…

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?

A gay US soldier wrote a letter to the editor of THE ADVOCATE that says: "Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons."

I do not have anything against straight guys or straight people, in fact, I love them. However, when they start bashing out people like me, I will take a stand just like any other human being.

What is straight anyway?

A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through the mountains.

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.

But seriously, what does it mean to be gay?

Being gay is having the capability to love a member of the same sex to a much greater depth than a member of the opposite sex.

Being gay is a matter of love, not a matter of sex.

Being gay is who you are, not what you do.

Being gay is part of you, not a separate entity.

Being gay is OK --- the sin is living a lie.

Being gay is not chosen, if it were, there would be no gays.

Being gay is to be ridiculed about something you can do nothing about.

Being gay is not changeable --- but it is liveable.

Being gay is accepting yourself when others are not accepting of you.

Being gay is being who you are --- even though you don't understand it.

Being gay is gentleness, warmth and sensitivity, when you are not at war with the outside world.
Being gay is different, and the definition of different is not "bad."

Being gay is reaching the autumn of your years and wondering why you have spent most of your life trying to get acceptance from people who don't know you and who don't understand you.

Being gay is YOU -- and nothing in this world is more important than that.

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality.

It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.

In one of the episodes of Queer as Folk, Ted said to his best friend Emmet this line and I think we should stop for a while and clearly reflect on this particular thought…

Ted uttered, "I think God appreciates everyone… especially the people who openly accepts their true selves…. I think He appreciates them even more. Because He created all in his image… At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is love and God doesn't make mistakes, then all of us must be exactly the way he wants us to be… And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all his... He loves us all… even QUEERS."

So I am living this very same message to everyone who might need it now or in the future, everyone was created in his image... we are all his children... we are all his...

Besides, the Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

Never let anyone define you. You define yourself.

God Bless.

Care Bears Care

What do you remember most from your childhood?

Whenever I look back to my younger years, which by the way isn’t too long ago =)… I always remember watching “Care Bears”. Hehehe. All of my playmates before knew this TV series and I can’t imagine anyone who didn’t get hook on the said animated show.

Until now, I still have my care bears coloring books, stickers and stuffed toys.

The Care Bears are a group of adorable, furry friends each with a special caring mission. They help teach people how to care. Every Care Bear wears a bright-colored tummy picture that tells the world who they are and what is their special area of caring.

In their cloud-land home, called Care-a-lot, the Care Bears help each other learn to care. Sometimes they magically bring a child with a special caring concern to Care-a-lot so that they can better teach them some of the finer points of being a caring person.

Sometimes, too, the Care Bears have to speed down to Earth to help with some crisis in caring.

Wherever the Care Bears go, and whatever the Care Bears do, in their soft, fuzzy, and funny way, they share their special gift of caring with everyone they meet.

The ten original Care Bears consisted of: Bedtime Bear, Birthday Bear, Cheer Bear, Friend Bear, Funshine Bear, Good Luck Bear, Grumpy Bear, Love-A-Lot Bear, Tenderheart Bear and Wish Bear.

Later on, additional bears joined them, as well as the Cousins.

The Care Bears' ultimate "weapon" is the "Care Bear Stare," in which the collected Bears stand together and radiate light from their respective tummy symbols, combining to form a ray of love and good cheer which could bring care and joy into the target's heart.

The Care Bear Stare has several different looks. One has a beam coming from the tummy being made up of several replicated images of the symbol. Another variation forms a rainbow when multiple Bears and/or Cousins are involved. A yellow beam with red hearts is sometimes seen as well.

The Care Bears were successful in promoting friendship, love and concern to all the young children and to those young at heart.

The saddening part about all this is the fact that the Care Bear’s message about friendship and caring is something rarely heard of today.

In today’s greedy corporate and selfish lives, and the "every man for himself" mentality each one of us is guilty of, caring seems to be an forgotten virtue.

The animation for Care Bears is pretty good considering that it is only a tv series intended for kids. The animators did a pretty good job, doing a lot of things with the kiddy show --- adding up a lot of details and colors into it.

Care Bears is definitely a feel-good animation that seems like a fantasy born out of too many Me Generation warm fuzzies. It comes filled with lots of bright colors, and there is much talk about happy feelings (everybody wears a heart on their chest that lights up in pastel rainbows when they care) and the banishing of bad feelings.

I will never outgrow my love for “care bears”. They will always be close to my heart. They will remain to be one of my favorite TV series aside from EWOKS. Hehehe.

On Hamsters and on Wheels

Have you stopped to watch a hamster running on a wheel? Have you found yourself thinking what’s going on in that tiny head of his?

Where is he going? Why is he running? Why does he not just get off and stop… to see… his glass prison.

I think I answered my own question.

We all run on our "wheels" to have that sense of direction, of movement.

Maybe, just maybe, I could pick up my mask and wear it again. I could take out my rose-tinted glasses and pretend with all the other hamsters that I’m headed somewhere.

Headed to greener pastures?

Maybe.

It’s time to slow down, to stop thinking and just be. I have to let it all go. I need to let my life flow and unravel.

I need to just be.

Is life a big “choose your own adventure” book? Turn to page 65 to either meet your doom or stumble upon another dilemma.

I think so.

It’s all laid out.

Every word and every letter, all written in ink, printed for you to read. Everything is just waiting to be uncovered.

The book is just waiting for you to decide and to turn the page.

Who's in your front row?

Life is a theater, so invite your audience carefully --- not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives.

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a DISTANCE.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships or friendships. Observe the relationship around you.

Pay close attention.

Which ones live and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you?

The more you see quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you... the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income. And so, we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds. We should not share our dreams with negative people, nor feed them with negative thoughts.

So, who's in your front row?

What will you remember of me?

I mean, when I’m gone, what will you remember of me?

Will it be the same as I remember of you? Will you remember my laugh or my tears? My joy or my anger?

Will you write a tribute to my love or a scandal of my failings?

What will someone remember of you?

Time can ease the painful parts, but nothing erases the empty spaces. Live NOW as you dream of... for there is no tomorrow that is worth losing today.

Don't wait until someone has to pack up your life to wish you had lived it differently. It was a lesson hard learned, but one I cannot forget as I box up the lifetime that was mine.

It is our daily task... to create a safe harbor for ourselves and our loved ones, where peace and warmth and love and caring are the treasures we shall bring with us into today. Whatever your memories are, however you have stashed them in your being, remember you can create new ones anytime you wish. You merely have to begin, and that journey begins with a simple HELLO.

Perhaps life does require a goodbye or two, but I like to think there are more hellos than goodbyes; and I think there are, if only we will look! The hellos are right here, in the bits and pieces that lie scattered on the bed and in the dresser drawers.

Goodbye?

Yes, it is goodbye to the way we love each other, but never to the love we share. I can no longer hug you or blow you a kiss across the room, but always, always, I can love you. Whether it is wearing your ring or singing your favorite song, I will remember. You are a part of my life, a moment of magic that still sings in the quiet spaces of my heart.

What will I choose, out of all these trinkets and gadgets and boxes of boxes of treasured trash?

I choose it all.

I claim it all as mine, the good, the sad, the difficult, the painful, the magical. I cannot choose a single piece, for it is the tapestry that it all weaves that is my life. You simply are and forever will be, a part of who I am. I choose which part and place you occupy, but always you are with me.

Thank you, God for giving me life. It hasn't always been the best gift I could dream of, but it has never been boring! You gave me life, and I cherish the part you walked with me. My footsteps are my own, but I know you are beside me.

Our arms may be empty, but the boxes are full and so is the heart. It began with a HELLO and so it shall begin again, with another HELLO.

Thanks for the life.

On the whole, it's not too bad... I love you.

One Angry Dwarf and two Hundred Solemn Faces

My friends kept telling me that it wouldn't last, that one day we would go our own separate ways. I didn't listen. They told me I would only get hurt and I shouldn't stay... I still didn't listen. But now, as our relationship is ending, I really wish that I had listened to my friends’ advice, because if I did, I wouldn't be hurting like I am now.

I wish I wouldn't have stopped one of my friends from having a box of dog shit anonymously delivered to your doorstep. Although I find delightful, demented humor in that, I know you would have only blamed me for sending it.

I wish I could cut your dick off without my name being nationally broadcasted throughout the media. I also don't want to be criminally prosecuted.

I wish I could push a red button that would strategically drop an atomic bomb on your fucking house leaving no collateral damage.

I wish I had dark magic powers that would prevent you from ever passing the nursing board exams.

Most of all, I wish I could rewind some of my life... I would have chosen not to have met you.

But on second thought, I PROBABLY WON'T. It is such a waste of time to even wish anything for you.

Sometimes I wonder if you just faked our whole relationship... if you ever really did care.... if I ever really did know the feeling of how it felt to be loved and to love... maybe I just made the whole thing out to be more than it was because you are with him now. You've been so into him for only God knows how long... and my dreams and hopes of love are suddenly shattered... because I know now that when I call out your name at night... you are calling out his... and there's nothing in the world that hurts more... than knowing the only man I've ever loved... is out there loving someone else.

I'm simply a boy who fell in love. Well, that's what I used to think. But now I know that I'm just a guy who was charmed by a boy then used and left behind.

You killed me. You killed every hope I have left. I can't even pretend to be happy anymore. It's not worth pretending.

Am I mad at you?

That's your main concern after shattering my whole world?

Mad For what?

For breaking my heart?

All the lies?

Maybe for letting me put all my trust in you only to be betray the decency to tell me to my face?? How about the fact that you didn't even care the way you think its crazy that I'm crying over it, because you think breaking up is no big deal?

Am I mad?

No.

More like crushed. Did I ever even really know you?

I've made it through a lot, but only because I've always had this love to count on to be there for me through it all.

Now that I've lost that, I'm lost and alone and I don't think I'll make it this time.

I hope that makes you happy.

How did you survive your childhood?

If you were a kid in the 50's, 60's, 70's or even early 80's... how did you survive your childhood?

1. When we were growing up we never wore seatbelts in the car, cars didn't have airbags...

2. Riding on the back of a pick up truck was an adventure that we still remember!

3.- Our cribs were painted with bright colors (paint which was full of lead)

4. We didn't have childproof medicine bottles, nor did our parents ever childproof our house

5. When we rode our bikes we never wore a helmet.

6. We would drink water from the faucet or from a hose in the backyard (not bottled water).

7. We didn't have cell phones , so our parents were never able to reach us (awesome).

8. We would get scrapes, bruises, break bones, lose teeth, but we would never sue for these accidents.

9. We would eat cake, bread and butter, drink sugary drinks, and we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing

10. Four of us would share a drink, we would all drink from the same bottle and that wasn't gross nor would anyone get sick.

11. We didn't have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X boxes, video games, cable TV with over 100 channels, VCR's, surround sound, cellular phones, computers, online chatrooms, instead we would have tons of FRIENDS.

12. Some of us weren't as bright as others but when one would get left back that was no big deal. They would not get taken to a psychologist, nor did they ever suffer from dyslexia, hyperactivity, ADHD, ADD, etc, they would simply repeat the grade until they passed.

13. We had freedom, mishaps, successes, responsibilities, and we would learn to deal with them.

The question is... How did we survive? and above all, to become the GREAT people that we are today?

Are you from one of these generations?

The new generation would probably say that we were very boring, but I believe that we were VERY HAPPY CHILDREN...

Happy Mother’s Day Nanay

After having dinner at Balinsasayaw last night, we went home and I approached my mom and told her how grateful I am for all the things that she has done for me and for our whole family. I told her I love her with all that I have and with all that I am. I won’t be where I am today if not for her undying support and unconditional love.

But my mom knows me too well and she knows that something is bothering me. So I told her I’m really upset with someone right now.

My Mom held my hands and embraced me tightly...

I asked her, “Mom, why are there so many mean people in my life right now? What do these people have against me that they could deliberately be so cruel? Why are they doing this to me? Are they just bored? What do they get from it?"

My mom looked at me and said, “Marvin, each person who enters our life has a unique lesson to teach us. It is only through these lessons that we learn about life, people and our relationships with God.”

I gazed back at mom with a confused look on my face. “I am a very fair person mom... other people should be fair to me too. I don’t lie, I don’t steal, I don’t mock people or inflict pain, I don’t cheat, I don’t ridicule others... the only thing I’m guilty of is loving someone too much... Is that so bad mom? Am I a bad person?”

So she began telling me this:

When someone lies to you, it teaches you that things are not always what they seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know what is in their hearts. Remove your own masks to let people know who you really are.

When someone steals from you it teaches you that nothing is forever. Always appreciate what you have. You never know when you might lose it. Never take your friends or family for granted, because today and sometimes only this very moment is the only guarantee you may have.

When someone inflicts injury upon you, it teaches you that the human state is a very fragile one. Protect and take care of your body as best as you can, it's the one thing that you are sure to have forever.

When someone mocks you, it teaches you that no two people are alike. When you encounter people who are different from you, do not judge them by how they look or act, instead base it on the contents of what is in their hearts.

When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that the person will love you back. But don't turn your back on love, because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings you will make up for all of your past hurts. Times a thousand fold.

When someone holds a grudge against you, it teaches you that everyone makes mistakes. When you are wronged, the most virtuous thing you can do is forgive the offender without pretense. Forgiving those who have hurt us is often the most difficult and painful of life's experiences, but it is also the most courageous thing a person can do.

When a loved one is unfaithful to you, it teaches you that resisting temptation is Man's greatest challenge. Be vigilant in your resistance against all temptations. By doing so, you will be rewarded with an enduring sense of satisfaction far greater than the temporary plasure by which you were tempted.

When someone cheats you, it teaches you that greed is the root of all evil. Aspire to make your dreams come true, no matter how lofty they may be. Do not feel guilty about your success, but never let an obsession with achieving your goals lead you to engage in malevolent activities.

When someone ridicules you, it teaches you that nobody is perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections over which they have no control."

I looked at my mom and asked, “But Mom, what do we learn from loving? Are there no lessons we learn from doing good things to others?

She replied, “Marvin, man's capacity to love is the greatest gift He has. At the root of kindness and love, and each act of love also teaches us a lesson.”

My curiosity was deepened.

My mom once again began to explain: "When someone loves us, it teaches us love, kindness, charity,honesty, humility, forgiveness, acceptance, and all of these can counteract all the evil in the world. For every good deed, there is one evil deed. Man alone has the power to control the balance between good and evil, but because the lessons of love are not taught often enough, the power is too often abused.”

My mom kissed me good night and I was left at the garden looking at the stars. As always, my mom made sense of things.

As I was gazing at the sky this thought occurred to me, “Every now and then, things will happen, to make me want to hide...But for every bad, there is a good, to keep my heart alive. And as my brother once told me, I shouldn’t have to sacrifice who I am just because someone else has a problem with it."

At that moment, I know, my heart is at peace...

I just know.

I love you Mom and Thanks for everything.

Happy mother’s day.

Royal Greetings to all the Mothers in the World

For those who are lucky to still be blessed with your Mom, this is beautiful. For those who aren't, this is even more beautiful.

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.

"Is this the long way?" she asked.

And the guide said "Yes, and the way is hard, and you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them, taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a bike, and reminded them to feed the dog and do their homework and brush their teeth.

The sun shone on them and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the nights came, and the storms and the path was sometimes dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her arms and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, a little patience and we are there."

So the children climbed and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms. And with this, she gave them strength to face the world.

Year after year she showed them compassion, understanding, hope, but most of all......unconditional love. And when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."

The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she became little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage.

And the mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing these traits on to their children." And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her, and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers.

One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And Mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk with dignity and pride, with their heads held high, and so can their children after them."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still.


A Mother is more than a memory.

She is a living presence. Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well, she's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day...

She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is your birthday morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter and she's crystallized in every tear drop. A mother shows everyemotion... happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow... and all the while hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life.

She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you follow with every step you take.

She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy...

But nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time...

Not space...

Not even death!

Ice Cream, I Scream...

Last week I took Joaquin, my 6-year-old cousin to a restaurant. He asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said: "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if kuya Marvin gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen."

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, Joaquin burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my cousin and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my cousin asked.

"Cross my heart."

Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought Joaquin ice cream at the end of the meal. Joaquin stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without saying a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman that made the remark.

With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."

It doesn't matter

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you.

And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of margarita you drink with your friends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.

And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy.

And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door.

And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new.

And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again.

And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

What Really Counts

I got this interesting bit of e-mail from a cyber friend, who sends me wonderful and thought-provoking forwarded Internet materials:

Do you know who in 1923 was the:

1) President of the largest steel company?
2) President of the largest gas company?
3) President of the New York stock exchange?
4) Greatest wheat speculator?
5) President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6) Great Bear of Wall Street?

According to the email, these men should be considered some of the world’s most successful men because at least, they found the secret to making money.

But today, more than 56 years later, they are virtually unknown. Do you know what has become of these men?

The e-mail reveals:

The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper
The President of the largest gas company, Richard Hopson, is insane
The President of NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home
The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless
The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself
The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, committed suicide.

I cannot vouch for the accuracy of this information but one thing can be culled from it and related to our lives—you may be the hottest name in 2007 but will you still be remembered by people 56 years from today?

Will the priorities you concern yourself with still be significant?

Will your millions of money amount to anything if you were mean to your relatives and didn’t help others?

Whatever grand achievements you have made for yourself will one day be forgotten. What will be remembered are the good things you have done for others.

Great men are immortalized by their great deeds.

SHOULD YOU

Here’s something good to start my week.

With all that is happening in my life right now --- malicious comments from other people, death of a dear friend… I really need to stop, breath, stop questioning God, thank Him and just continually be a blessing to the people around me.

An excerpt from the novel Tuesday's with Morrie by Mitch Albom says: "Many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to be half-dead… half-asleep.

So, here I am… trying to live my life one day at a time. After all, all we really have is borrowed time. All we have is today… this moment… no one knows for sure when our clock would stop ticking for us…

So let’s make the most of today.

Here’s something that inspired me… hoping it will inspire you too.

Should you have a bad day at work…
Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad…
Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend…
Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance…
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror…
Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose?
Be thankful.
There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities…

Remember, things could be worse.

You could be them.


Have a nice week everyone.

Love you all.

May your soul rest in peace

Can you imagine what it feels like to have someone sit you down and tell you that you're dying? The gravity of that, huh?

Then the clock starts ticking for you…

In a split second your awe is cracked open. You look at things differently --- smell things differently. You savor everything be it a glass of water or a walk in the park.

But most people have the luxury of not knowing when that clock's going to go off. And the irony of it is that that keeps them from really living their life. It keeps them drinking that glass of water but never really tasting it.

I just found out today, that a good friend of mine died yesterday morning due to brain tumor and I can’t help but ask why. Good heavens why him? I mean, he is so young for crying out loud. He still has a lot to live… a lot to fulfill…

My knees got weak, my voice escaped me and I am left here standing… wondering why it had to be you... imagining what we would be doing if you weren't set before me… ever so pale… ever so different... ever so cold…

We say that the hour of death cannot be forecasted, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance.

It's never going to get easier.

There is never going to be a 'Death for Dummies' book. There is never going to be an escape plan to pain because no matter how much I try no matter how much I cry my life is never going to go back to the way it used to be, because I know I can't just text you on your cell phone and hope everything disappears.

I know that I can't stop myself from hoping that one day I will just receive a text from you and smile as if nothing happened.

I know that there will be days that it will be hard to get out of bed and look people in the eye and lie when they ask how I am.

I know that its going to hurt for the rest of my life and that I will always cry, but I also know that you're in heaven now and your away from all of the pain and everything is better for you now.

I just wish I could say the same for me.

Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But we never forget them.

And I promise, I will never forget you.

So long Joms…

*** Friends, please join me in praying for the eternal repose of my friend’s soul. Thank you.

You don’t get to call me pathetic

You get to visit my site. You get to view my photos. You get to read my blogs. But you don’t get to post malicious comments on it. You don’t get to call me names. You don’t get to call me pathetic!!

How dare you!

Few days ago, you surprised me with your comment on my multiply account. (I don’t know how you got my multiply address but that is the least of my concerns. Besides this is a public account.)You pretended to be my ex boyfriend and was asking me if I could delete our photos which were taken when we were still a couple.

The first question I asked myself was, “What the fcuk? Why only now? Why not 4 months ago? And why create a dummy multiply account when you (if you’re really my ex) could have easily texted me on my cellphone? I never changed my number. That will save you a lot of time and energy right?”

So, being the bitch that I am, of course I decided I wouldn’t delete the photos. Why should I do that in the first place? I mean, those were “archived pictures”. They were posted in my site, taken by my camera with consent of the people in the photos. For whatever they’re worth, I would like them to remain in my site. Not to brag to the world that once I had a bf but that once in my life I loved... and I loved well...

However, knowing that I am being biased to myself, I told my friends about what happened and asked them if I should delete the photos. I asked them to be as neutral as possible --- taking into consideration that my ex already has a new bf and that seeing the pictures we had before might cause a bit of a problem on their end. I know for a fact that my friends will tell me what I needed to hear.

My friends told me not to delete them. They don’t see any reason why I should. They said it was a part of my past and they were old pictures. They were on the archived albums already. Also, they said that I always give a disclaimer to the people commenting on it that we already broke up. That I am single...

I thought the dilemma was over; I went on with my usual life without a heavy heart. But yesterday, I received a message from you --- this time on my friendster account. You are scary. The message reads: “Subject line: Vince... Body: “I’m his boyfriend, and I’m not comfortable seeing your pics in multiply which were just posted recently... aren't you over him yet? What’s the point of showing the world that as if you're still together and to use marvince as your profile name? He already asked you to remove the pics right? If you wanna get over him and move on, it's not a good way of doing it... pathetic!” end of message....

BP: 140/120, pulse rate: 200bpm. I could have sworn that I really lost my cool after reading your message to me. There were so many things going on in my mind that my neurons were sending impulses at a speed not known to man. I took a breather and analyzed your message. Although I would have appreciated if your email was not as poorly constructed as it was, here is my response to all your baseless accusations.

First, I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to see our pics together. Maybe you should do yourself a favour and get away from my photo albums. You don’t have to visit my site every 30minutes you know. Or better yet, maybe I could do you a favour and block you from my site so you don’t ever have to worry about feeling uncomfortable ever again. Fine. You get the right to feel uncomfortable but please don’t think even for a minute that I will be the one to make you comfortable again. That is just to much to ask.

Second, the reason why the pictures were just posted a few months back was because I only started my multiply account two months ago. So please forgive multiply if they are not letting people post pictures without an account. Makes sense?

Third, in your message you said “What’s the point of showing the world that as if you're still together and to use marvince as your profile name?” How dare you! If you happen to spend some time reading my blogs and not concentrate morning over the pictures on my photo albums, it will occur to you that the whole world pretty much know that I already broke up with my ex bf and that though I am having a hard time moving on, I am not making it look as if we are still together. The last thing I would like is for us to get back together. If that gives you a little bit of solace, go ahead and suit yourself.

Fourth, about the photos, let me tell you that I will not delete them on my site. So please stop harassing me. What are you so insecure anyway? I have the pictures of yesterday. You have the boy. You have the pictures of today and tomorrow. Wanna trade place? You get to take the man of my dreams away from me. You get to take the future I once hoped for. But you don’t get to take away my memories. Those are the only thing I have left.

Fifth, I will tell when I will move on, or how I will move on or what I will do to move on. You don’t enter my life and shove it to my ass that you know better. You don’t get to be a smart ass. Not on me at least. You don’t get to tell me what to do and if I’m doing it right or not. You don’t know what hell I’ve been through for the past 3 months and if you have some self respect left even just for a bit, you will keep your unsolicited advice to yourself and shut up. Because you don’t get to judge me. Not you.

Lastly, and most important of all, remember this, you don’t get to call me pathetic!
It’s funny how for one second I was actually willing to trade places with you. Sure, you have the boy and that makes you one heck of a lucky guy. But I figured, I’d rather be single (not alone) than be you!

I don’t want to feel rotten inside.

Maybe I’ll take the road to moral perdition or take the road to redemption. Personally, I don’t want to call you pathetic just because you called me pathetic; I don’t want to judge you just because you make it sound like you know me to the bones, I don’t want to. I don’t want to converge with you and with people of your caliber.

PS.
If you don’t stop harassing me, I will post your friendster address here. I swear.

Changing Changes

“The more things change, the more they stay the same.”

I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change…

I don't think I'm alone in this.

I remember Oprah saying that the reason why she doesn’t want to get married is because she doesn’t want to change for anyone… she doesn’t want to compromise.

But compromise is fine with me. I even think change is good, but I just can’t.

The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still...

It feels safer somehow.

And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse…

So you maintain the status quo.

Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person.

I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.

But you… you know…

You’ll notice it.

Inside you that change feels like a world of difference.

And you hope this is it.

This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

That he’ll love you just the way you are.

I will treasure this for as long as I get an erection

After dinner, we went home... together... holding hands...

I was looking up at the night sky, and I could see everything… the stars… planets… galaxies… and I felt so small… Like a tiny speck that is here for only one moment in time, and then gone…

And while I’m here, I want to be with him and the people I love, because, when I’m with you guys, I don't feel that small... that's what I learned.

Am I in love?

Yes love... For this in the end is what we have. The love of something...

There is much to love, and that love is what we are left with... We can never let the world take our memories of love away, and if there are no memories, we must invent love all over again...

The wheel turns. Blue above, green below, we wander a long way, but love is what the cup of our soul contains when we leave the world and the flesh.

But then he has to go... The clock says its 9pm.

He gave me a silent look and bid goodbye... "You still have work at 12, I won’t keep you so you could rest. Text me okay?"

I just grinned and said to myself, "Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss... But every once in awhile you find someone who's iridescent, and when you do, nothing will ever compare…”

I accompanied him to the gate, waved at him and watch him closely as he disappeared in oblivion...

I just hope he knew...

Nothing compares to him...

What’s inside your bag?

I always carry a bag (courtesy of Kissmark boutique, ground floor Glorieta) when I go the office. There are just some things that I can't live without. So since I have been receiving hundreds of personal messages requesting for me to stop writing about sad thoughts, I decided to write something different for a change... hahaha.

Besides, this prince right here wants to know “you” better. So, hopefully, when your done reading this, you'll post a comment with the things we can find inside your bag. I would like to know what’s inside your bag as well.

This is fun right?

My last blog was viewed 208 times but there were like what? 4 comments on it? So please, don't be shy. Let us know what's inside your backpack, travel bag, messenger bag, purse... whatever...

Here's what you'll find in mine:

Perfume (Kenzo) --- because I always like to smell good. You’ll never know when you’ll meet Mr. Right, right? Haha. I mean, it can happen practically anywhere.

Mobile phone --- I have two phones (1 for globe and the other for Sun). I have my globe number since time immemorial. People from way back when I was in high school knows that number. Yes, yes, yes. I am not part of the 25 million strong, 25 million smart. Hehehe. I need my phone to keep in touch with my family. I live alone here in Makati right, so this is the only way to communicate with them. Also, I need phone for work. I receive text messages from my agents informing me that they will be coming in late for work (tama ba ako froggy? Haha) and from my boss regarding some important updates. If you have a boyfriend and or a girlfriend, you probably know why a mobile phone is very important. It lets you know if they are cheating on you or not. Hahaha. Kidding.

Digital Camera (7.5 Mega pixel black slim cam) --- Why on earth would I be tagged as a cam whore if I don’t have a camera right? Her name is Cass. I love her so much. She captures all the important memories of my life. I could never miss a moment --- be it with friends, acquaintances, family and loved ones. Who knows, they might not happen again. So might as well capture the moment while it’s there.

Credit Card, ATM and an extra Globe Prepaid card --- I don’t carry much cash with me because I tend to loose it or spend it LOL, so ATM and credit cards are my best pals. Globe prepaid card because I always always run out of load in a middle of a very important phone calls. It’s always smart to carry an extra globe load right? Haha

iPod --- for cool music and stress management. What’s inside my iPod? --- Exercise soundtrack, cleaning soundtrack, Spa sounds, sizzling sounds, Meal Mellowness, End Road Rage, Personal Enrichment, Quick Laughs and meditation music.

Nivea Hand Moisture Boost Gel Crème – to keep my hands hydrated and refreshed… for that H-H-W-W (holding hands while walking) moments.

Victoria’s Secret Beauty Rush Lip-gloss --- this was given to me by my cousin when she and her family visited us here in the Philippines first quarter of this year. I always want my lips soft… always ready for that tender, gentle kiss… hahaha

Olay Total Effects Facial Cleanser and moisturizer --- midway during my shift, my face tends to look so tired and lifeless, so to keep that fresh look, we need to cleanse and moisturize.

Mouthwash, dental floss, breath spray and deo --- I think this is very much self-explanatory. Brushing just ain’t enough.

Jergen’s Shea Butter Skin Moisturizer --- I had always been fascinated with Shea butter. I like the smell and I like what it does to my skin. My body wash is St. Ives Oatmeal with shea butter. It smells really good, just like the scent you get after a SPA session. Shea butter is known especially for its cosmetic properties as a moisturizer and emollient. It is also a known anti-inflammatory agent. Shea butter can be effective at treating the following conditions: fading scars, eczema, burns, rashes, acne, severely dry skin, blemishes, dark spots, skin discolorations, chapped lips, stretch marks, wrinkles and in lessening the irritation of psoriasis. Shea butter provides natural UV sun protection although the level of protection is extremely variable, ranging from none at all to approximately SPF3 so should not be relied on. Shea butter absorbs rapidly into the skin without feeling greasy.

Gatsby Oil Clear Sheet --- there’s a saying that goes, “Oiliness is next to Ugliness”, so I keep my self shine-free… hahaha

Shades --- its summer and the heat is excruciating. And since I get out of work at 9:30AM (loser me), I really need this to help protect my eyes from the sun.

Rosary, Novena Booklet and prayer book --- I never leave the house without them. I feel safer and more secured when I know that they are just an arms length away from me.

Keys --- to my apartment

Company I.D. --- for proper identification

Pen --- for signing important documents


Call me vain and all, but these are important things to me --- not just to look good but also to feel good about myself.

I think, everyone will agree with me that having a good hygiene will make you more endearing and charming to others.

So, what’s inside your bag?

I wanna know.

Life sucks, then you die

We're all trapped.

Each of us is stuck being who we are. Sometimes we fight to change ourselves, but ultimately this has little effect. We can change what we do, but we cannot change who we are.

If you're a happy person, you don't feel trapped.

If you're surrounded by people who you love and who love you… if you can do what you want to do in life… if you are at peace with who you are why would you ever feel trapped? You wouldn't want to change yourself; you wouldn't need to try.

If you're a happy person, hey, you got lucky! Go back to the previous page, you'll find nothing of interest here.

I am not a happy person.

Well, I used to be. There are days when I am a happy person, but today is not one of those days. Maybe you're not either. Maybe you're too fat, or too thin, too old, or too young. Maybe you're ugly and nobody wants to sleep with you. Maybe everyone wants to sleep with you, but nobody loves you and it's all meaningless. Maybe your body is fucked up and you're in pain all the time. Maybe your mind is fucked up and you're in pain all the time.

So you struggle with all these problems year after year, and you're getting nowhere, and you wonder if anything will ever change. And the unavoidable reality of it all is that, for you, life sucks.

But of course you're not going to give up so easily, you're going to keep struggling to solve your problems, to change yourself, to find happiness, wherever it is, whatever it is.

But still, life sucks.

And you see all these people out there who are blissfully free of your problems, and if they can do it, there must be some way for you to as well.

But they aren't doing you any good at all, they don't understand what it's like being you, and what good would it do you if they did understand?

So, the forces which created you, random or otherwise, have spoken.

And they've determined that, for you..

Well, life sucks.

Culture Jam

Culture is is no longer created by the people.

Our stories, once passed from one generation to the next by parents, neighbours and teachers, are now told by distant corporations with "something to sell as well as tell".

Brands, products, fashions, celebrities, entertainments --- the spectacles that surround the production of culture --- are "our culture" now.

Our role is mostly to listen and watch --- and then, based on what we have heard and seen, to buy.

Why can't the end come now?

I can't think of anything to write today.

All I can think about is how sad I feel - how much it hurts.

It's been another bad day, and I can't express how sad I am. Everything I see makes me sadder. And I just can't stand it. I think I'm going insane.

I have no more strength for this.

No more fortitude.

No more stamina.

It hurts, and I want someone to hold me while I cry ---

…cry out a life of loneliness and sorrow

…cry out the loss of all of my hopes and dreams

…cry out the desperate longings that will never be answered.

I have passed fear and now only know infinite sadness… sadness without measure and without end… a sadness that knows only solutions which can never be.

But rather than make another lengthy Journal entry about how pathetic I am, I'm just going to end it at this.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have something worthwhile to write.

There is no one to help. I am alone.

Destitute.

Empty.

Soulless.

Why can't the end come now?

Today let me let go...

Dear God,

Today let me see that my hurting and pain is a way of showing me I have insecurities that I need to work on. To heal my insecurities is to heal my pain. Today let me find strength and courage to face my insecurities and fears and know that I don't have to look toward another to sooth them.

Today let me relax and feel safe in knowing that sometimes in life the worst that happens to us are often miracles in disguise. Today let me find strength and courage to let go of what is behind me and look with anticipated joy to what magic and wonderful mystery the future may have in store.

Today let me hear my cries. Let me pray for the strength to step away from denial and live my life in forward.Today I pray for freedom through truth. Truth liberates, heals, and transforms. Today let me find strength and courage to stop looking for happiness in things that may or may not come true.

Today let me remember that forgiveness is something I do for me. To forgive is to admit that all people are human and humans make mistakes. Today let me find strength and courage to forgive those who have wronged me.

Today let me feel the warm light of dawn. Let the light show me that each day deserves to be a new day. Today let me find strength and courage to stop living my life in reverse.

Today let me understand that if I am to be without hope I am to be without a part in my life's plan. Today let me find strength and courage to admit my role in my own misery, be it that of victim or that of volunteer.

Today let me touch the hearts of those who love me by admitting to my own pre-occupation with myself lately. Today let me find strength and courage to let go of ego and give the gift of love back to those who love me.

Today let me see.

Today let me relax.

Today let me hear.

Today let me remember.

Today let me feel.

Today let me understand.

Today let me touch.

Today let me let go.

Merry-go-Round

I've made my mistakes.

I've had my ups and downs, my ins and outs, and definately my share of bad breaks. BUT when it's all said and done…

I'll raise a glass over my head and swear to God it's all been fun.

Sometimes I think I am not paying as much attention as I have to while I’m living my life. I know there are more important things than money, success, new cars, and all the material stuff I strive for. I should be enjoying my time here on earth with family, friends, and just plain making a difference in everyone's lives as much as I can.

I don't have to kill myself over work... of course I need to earn my bread each day but now that I actually think about it... why waste most of my precious time over something I’m gonna lose anyway?

You might say that I’m a dreamer, that there's a big and gaping hole in the way I think. You might say, "You can lose friends and family as much as you can lose your job."

You're wrong.

I can always find a job. The next one might not pay as much but it's still somewhere I could get my daily sustenance. With friends and family, it's different.

It's true that hearts can be broken, friendships forgotten... but (if you watched Meet Joe Black this will sound familiar) despite the pain and the abandonment, there is always a happy place you could go back to in your mind.

There you'll find a place full of pretty pictures; pictures you could take even when you're gone from this world.

Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved.

The real milestones are less prepossessing.

They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave…

Our lives are measured by these…And if we can only learn to open our eyes, we have a handful.

The Day I was Reprimanded

I went home to Cavite last weekend as I always do to spend my rest days there. Ever since I broke up with my boyfriend, it seemed logical to be with my family during my rest days than to hang out in my apartment here in Makati alone.

While in the process of sorting my old college stuff, I saw the letter I wrote some 4 years ago addressed to our College Guidance Councilor. It was in response to her letter accusing me of being a “rude” student.

I admit that our guidance councilor and I have a rift that can be traced back when I won the Supreme Student Council elections beating the candidate from the college of nursing. For some strange reason, our guidance councilor seemed to favor her more over me. She even tried to talk to the representatives of the college of health and sciences (Radiologic Technology, Nursing, Physical Therapy and Medicine) and deliberately campaigned for her to ensure victory.

Although I do not have anything against the candidate from nursing, I felt it was very wrong for our guidance councilor to try to manipulate the results of the student body elections. As for me, it doesn’t really matter if I lose or win the elections.

If I win, that’s another accomplishment on my resume but if I lose, that will make my mom happy (she doesn’t want me to take any more responsibilities), give me all the time I need to focus on my studies and make life easier for me --- saving me from the numerous meetings and conferences that I have to attend to.

But in the end, the students have spoken… To my surprise, I won the elections. It was a landslide victory.

Weeks later, our guidance councilor conducted a survey in our class as a requirement to all graduating students. The following day I received a letter from her accusing me of being a rude student. Yes. She used the word “RUDE”. Her letter states that I need to send a response within 24 to 48 hours and if I fail to do so, I will be given a disciplinary action that would appear on my records forever and take me out of list of students running for cum laude.

I went home, talked to my parents about what happened, opened my computer and began typing this letter:


August 19, 2002
Office of the Guidance Councilor
De La Salle University Health and Sciences Campus


Dear Madam:

I was shocked upon receiving a letter handed to me by your secretary last Friday morning, August 17, 2002, regarding my “rude” behavior in class. I was shocked because this is the very first time I had been reprimanded for my behavior. I have always been commended, not rebuked; rewarded, not punished.

More so, I was shocked because I am not “rude” madam.

As a consolation to this “rude” student, you wrote a letter addressed to our beloved College Dean without even discussing the issue with me personally. I felt so disappointed by the sudden turn out of events. I studied at De La Salle University hoping that the school has a system in dealing with things concerning their students. But in this case, it seemed like you have forgotten to follow the step-by-step procedure.

Although it would have been better to personally talk to me and call my attention, which I would be more than willing to comply with, rather than sending a letter to the Dean, here is my letter in response to your request.

Before anything else, I would like to make a few clarifications:

First, it was not my intention to insult anybody, especially you, our well-respected guidance councilor. My behavior was an honest to goodness expression of what I was feeling that day. Prior to the survey conducted in our class, we were having a practice of our jingle which was to be presented Friday afternoon of the same week. We were having some problems with the said presentation but nevertheless; I was in a very good mood that day. I don’t remember ever being rude. My behavior was not even close to being rude. I was at all times, able to keep my moral and values. I was brought up by my parents to respect the elders whatever the situation be.

Second, I don’t have to consult good old Mr. Webster to clearly understand the word “rude”. My classmates can and are willing to attest that I did not, in any way, showed disrespect to you madam. My actions were not impolite, savage or uncivilized as what you allegedly claim them to be. My friends, teachers, and family are more than willing to prove that I am not a rude student should this issue reach the dean.

Third, I don’t think I need to have a refresher course on etiquette and good morals because as far as my memory serves me right, I have behaved and handled myself well last Thursday. I don’t remember ever answering back or texting while you were in front of the class. I don’t remember ever standing or shouting or commenting impolitely to what you were saying. Most of all, I don’t remember ever making a face that could have insulted you in any way. I sat quietly in my chair, listened to you and followed everything that you asked us to do.

Lastly, no one should dare accuse me that I had forgotten all the things that I have learned in the last concluded leadership seminar in Batulao, Batangas because what I’ve learned during the 2-day seminar will always be close to my heart. Whatever happened last Thursday is not sufficient basis to say that I had thrown away all the wonderful realizations that that seminar brought to my life.

Throughout my four-year stay in De La Salle University Health and Sciences Campus, I have committed myself to the promotion of academic excellence and excellence in terms of service, values and moral in the University. I have placed a very high premium on trumpeting DLSU’s achievements if only to instill a deep sense of pride among my fellow La Sallians. I accepted the position as Treasurer and Executive Chairman for Internal and External affairs of the Supreme Student Council with the hope that I could somehow act as a safeguard to the student’s resources. I have devoted my time in writing articles that would help uplift the mental, emotional and spiritual awareness of PT students. Thus, no one should dare accuse me of being rude to any member of this institution.

Meanwhile, if you wish to clarify matters with me, I am most willing to accommodate your inquiries.

Bless you madam.

With all due respect,

Marvin Voltaire Garcia
CPT-SC Treasurer
President, PT Chorale
Editor-in-chief, PT Progress Notes
Treasurer and Executive Chairman DLSU-HSC Supreme Student Council


2 days later, she pulled me out of my class for a one on one interview. She apologized to me and said a lot of things. I can’t remember them anymore because honestly I wasn’t listening to her. After an hour or so of her continuous boring unending explanation, she asked me this question, “Is there anything you would like to tell me before I let you go back to your class?”

I was silent for a moment, looked her in the eye and said, “Yes. In fact I do. I am not certain if I will be graduating as a cum laude this school year… we are just half way the semester and anything can pretty much happen. However, what I am certain of is that I am not graduating as a rude student from this institution and that no one, not even you can ever ruin what I have worked so very hard for all these years. So if you want to raise hell with me, you better be ready, because I am. That’s all.”

Our guidance councilor dropped the charges against me. She did not apologize to me but she also did not finish the school year. After the first semester, she filed her resignation. I never heard anything from her since then.

I will never compromise myself to anyone... at the end of the day, "I'm" all I've got.

Oh and by the way, I graduated cum laude. =)

Is that too much to ask?

U. Thant once said, "Every human being, of whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect others even as we respect ourselves."

So this goes to you.

Yes, you with the beady eyes.

You who are reading through this blog...

Understand that I make my thoughts public because I know I could somehow brighten another person's day. Maybe, in some way, I could influence my reader (you) into appreciating life more. However, understand that you reading through this blog does not mean you know me.

It does not mean we're close.

It does not mean we’re friends.

Never judge me.

What I write here is solely my opinion. And like parallel universes, I know that other opinions exist out there.

Hell, I know that opinions arise and are born from your early morning cereal... or from the depths or shallow waters of my blog.

But respect me.

Respect what I write here.

Respect the people I love and never rub whatever you think I think in their faces... Who knows? You might be translating me wrong.

Certain people have a way of saying things that shake us at the core. Even when the words do not seem harsh or offensive, the impact is shattering. What we could be experiencing is the intent behind the words.

When we intend to do good, we do.

When we intend to do harm, it happens.

What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it. What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent.

We become hypocrites instantly when we judge at face-value. And I know you know... and I trust that you would feel... slighted if a total stranger would go step onto a soapbox and declare to the world how you think and act and feel, every minute of every day, without really knowing or understanding the ramifications of your personality - and how it affects your thoughts and opinions.

RESPECT.

Is that too much to ask?