Saturday, June 23, 2007

Him1 and Him2, do you know them?

If you saw him1, you couldn't see him1 loving anyone like he does him2, a boy who never has anything but a smile on his face when he's talking to him2 and how there was no place he would rather be.

If you saw him2, you would see a guy whose heart melts with the sound of his voice, and smile on his face, a guy who wouldn't love any other like him1, no one can take his place.

If you saw them, you would see two people who couldn't be any happier just being next to each other, two people in love, him1 and him2, two people not thinking of another.

If you knew him1, you would know, he's scared of being with him2, he's afraid of feelings he can't show.

If you knew him2, you would know, he doesn't let that stand in his way… he hangs on for the both of them, no matter what he may say.

If you knew them, you would know, they are so far apart, losing sight of how they feel, two people drifting from the heart.

And, if you knew love, you would see, those two are right for each other...

Him1 and Him2, those two are meant to be.

And hey Him1, I still believe in you and me.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Falling in love and falling out of it


Sometimes we fall in love and it feels so great --- so great that we never want to fall out of it...

But sometimes, though we hate to admit, we have to fall out of it… and falling out of love is such a great decision to make...

Actually, it's one decision that can haunt us forever...

Falling out of love doesn't just mean that we don't love the person anymore. It means more than that. It means not wanting the person whom you have thought to be a part of you --- to be a part of your today and tomorrow. It might also mean that you don't want to care for the person anymore. Or rather, that you have grown tired of waiting for that person to come back to you... And that it's that waiting that made you fall out of love...

It might also mean that you can't have what you want, and that you are no longer wanted by the other person. Now that would hurt a lot, but if that is the case, then maybe, falling out of love is the right choice.

But how can a love as sweet as mine be so wrong? How and why would I want to fall out of love from someone I truly care for? Why would I want to start my life all over again when I can just pick up the pieces and go from there? But most of all, why would I want to teach my heart not to love someone whom I have known in my heart, as the one person that I will love forever.

These questions and so much more can be answered by a single word… And that word is "LOVE".

Though we don't want to admit it to ourselves, love has two sides… Falling in love and falling out of love. It has two faces and we tend to forget the one that hurts…

And maybe, this is what I, myself have forgotten. Maybe I have forgotten, that when I let myself fall in love, I also let myself vulnerable to feel the pain of falling out.

This is this risk that I have to accept.

If I want to experience "LOVE" and it is this "LOVE" that has led me to where I am today; maybe it is not all love that will keep us in a relationship... Maybe there's more to it than love… Maybe relationships need more ingredients other than love…

Maybe if patience, loyalty, trust, respect, honesty, and communication are added, then maybe, the relationship will be better.

But what happens when we all know these and more yet we still do fall out of love…

What is next?

Do we fall out of love like a lightning? Do we fall out of love as if we got burned?

No --- we don't...

For falling out of love takes so much of who we are. It takes away our strength and our heart. Falling out of love is like trying to stop something that we are fond of doing, or trying to stop what we like so much...

It can also mess up with our minds... 'Coz when we fall out of love, we try to be so analytical if why it has to end.

So now I ask, if falling out of love is so hard to do, then why do we still have to fall in love in the first place?

God walks with me

Sometimes I don’t know how to ask for help…

I just don’t…
I can get trapped inside my pain. Some nameless thing seems to tear at my insides. I freeze, thinking that if I don’t move, it will go away. So I don’t ask, I don’t talk, and the pain grows.

Does my face look calm?

Don’t be fooled.

I’m just afraid to let you see the truth. You might think I’m foolish or weak. You might reject me. So I don’t talk, and the pain remains.

But I listen…

And through other people God does for me what I can’t do for myself. One of the miracles I have found is that help often comes when I most need it…

When I can’t bring myself to reach out for help, it sometimes comes to me…

When I don’t know what to say, I am given the words I require…

And when I share what is in my heart, I may be giving a voice to someone who cannot find his own.

Today I have God who knows my needs.

As I walk, God is walking with me.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Life in a Plexiglass

I was home alone watching TV last night and I saw a game show where a man stood in a Plexiglasss box, and dollar bills swirled around him in a miniature tornado. I watched as the man tried to catch as many dollar bills as he can.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to me: Life is like that... you can keep whatever you can catch, but it's all whipping past your head so fast, and how were you supposed to tell which were the big bills and which were the small?

How could one train for such an infuriatingly stupid challenge?

How could anybody catch all the beauty in the present moment, when, after years of misery, there was suddenly a day when all the wonderfulness of life unexpectedly blew down from all directions at once?

And how were you supposed to store joy, for the ugly days when the bleakness returns?

I think, at the end of the day, we catch what we can. We try twice as hard as we did yesterday and thrice as hard as we did the day before that. We keep as much as we can in our pockets aside from the prayers we said the night before.

But no one can really prepare for what’s going to happen next. No one knows when the wind will blow on the opposite direction.

However, if we have faith in our hearts, unknowingly, we could have caught the really big bills… and unknowingly, we have so much spare we could rest for a day.

Just for a day…

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Truth Hurts

I read a friend’s blog today and I felt sad…

There’s nothing wrong about what he wrote. He was just being honest… Retelling things as they happened… Besides, he has every right to screw around…

But there’s just something in the manner he wrote it… maybe it’s the candidness of what transpired… or the sharpness of his words… His last statement was so blunt I almost felt numb…

I mean, I am perfectly happy being his friend; in fact I love it... I just have this incredible urge to kiss him, that doesn't go away and this feeling that we would be perfect together…

It haunts me…

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Vain Wishes and Childish Fantasies

What do you do when you feel like there's no hope left, nothing better coming along, no future but one filled with sadness and pain? What do you do when your sorrow and fear is so strong that hot and cold flashed wash over your body, every part of your body throbs and aches, your head pulses with a dull hum, and your stomach burns ulcerously? What do you do when you feel yourself spiraling into a dark hole of torment; unable to stop your fall and certain that no one is to blame but yourself?

Maybe you would make yourself so busy that you wouldn't have time to think about it. I was like that once; that was all my life was about for a while --- working so hard and so many hours that I didn't have time to let anything come to the surface. I can't do that anymore, though. There's too much to hold back, and now that it has been flowing for a while it won't be denied any longer.

Maybe you would confront your demons and your fears and decide what you needed to defeat them. I've tried that, but the things I need can't be had... not most of them anyhow. And the few things I might have a chance to get are not mine to take but for others to grant, and there is no one to offer these things.

Maybe you would just end it --- suicide sure seems better than what looks like a constant future of pain and suffering and hopelessness. Nah, this one's not for me. I know that I have no idea of what there is to live for, but I can't actually see what there is to gain from death either. I mean, I'm in hell now, and I'll probably be in hell later --- what's the difference?

Maybe you would pray. I can't. I did for a while, but I can't. If there is a God, he gave up on me a long time ago, and I really doubt he was ever on my side to begin with. If there is a God and I have had this fucked up of a life, why should I think that God would ever do anything differently in the future?

Maybe you would turn that pain onto the outside world, hurt those who have carelessly hurt you. I've thought about it, I really have. But I can't. All of the pain and hurt I receive, all of the anger and fear I develop - everything gets turned inward. I know deep down that all of my pain is, because of this, my own fault to some extent. I can't bear the alternative, though. I fear hurting anyone (possibly more than anything else)

Maybe...

Maybe you would die inside a little bit more each day, becoming empty and beyond redemption, destitute and disenfranchised. This is all I know now. I wish for someone to help, but wishes are vain, childish fantasies.

There is no great hero.

There is no white knight.

There is no fair prince.

There is no savior.

And no one will ever come to save me... or kill me. I will simply be left to suffer.

So, what do I do when I feel like there's no hope left, nothing better coming along, no future but one filled with sadness and pain?

Tell me...

Monday, June 18, 2007

Keep The Faith


When we were little, life worked perfectly.

No matter what happened, everything turned out alright in the end. Scraped knees, canceled play dates, dropped ice cream cones --- we would cry for a short time, but by the end of the day, everything would be perfect.

And now as we've grown older, we've lost the faith as we stumble through each day, crying over broken hearts, lost friendships, and lost dreams.

It seems like life and perfection have turned their backs on us, but really its just that we've grown up.

As children we didn't pay attention to such details about our daily lives, but now we are more aware, and little details seem to be amplifying our pain. But just remember that when we were younger, life was hard too, but we had faith in perfection because we could look past faults.
So don't lose your faith.

Learn to know that each day will pass, each heartache will be mended, and everything will be perfect in the end.

Just keep your faith.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Did You Know That...

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart are real weak and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: I love you, Sorry and help me? The people who say these are actually in need of them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself, if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold.

AND DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON ME?

AT THE MOMENT, TIME AND PLACE THAT YOU NEED ME, CALL ME, I WILL BE THERE.

One day, we will change the world... or we are already changing it.

THE BALL IS NOW IN YOUR COURT...

If the world were to end in 24 hours, all the phone lines, chat rooms and e-mails will be saturated from people sending messages to others, saying: "I regret having made you feel bad", "Pardon me", "I love you", "I hold you in high esteem", take good care of yourself" and sometimes "I have always loved you, only I never told you".

Let's all make the most of today. =)

That I assume you already know. *wink*

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Ingat, tanga ka pa naman

Before, hinahabol kita pero di mo ako pinapansin. Tapos isang araw nawala ako, hinanap mo ako at tinanong, "Bakit ka nagsawa?"

Ngumiti ako, "Hindi ako nagsawa. Natauhan lang."

Pwede mo kong lokohin pero wag kang magpapahuli sakin. Pwede mo kong palitan pero siguraduhin mong mas mahal mo siya sakin. Pwede mo kong iwan pero siguraduhin mong kaya mo. Kasi pag ako sobrang nasaktan, wala ka nang babalikan.

Boys? Pare-pareho lang yang mga yan. Pag trip ka, magpapakilala. Kaibigan kuno hanggang pumorma na. Tapos pag nahulog ka na, ayun, goodbye na dahil sawa na sila. Pero dapat walang iiyak at smile lang tayo. Punyeta, anong silbi ng karma?

I fell in love and got hurt but I didn't shed too much tears nor did I ask him to love me again. Instead, I stood up proudly and said, "Mahilig ka pala sa magsasaka, hindi mo sinabi kagad!"

Simple lang para hindi ka masaktan. Kapag minahal ka, mahalin mo din. Kapag ginago ka, gaguhin mo rin. Pero kapag umiyak ka, tanga ka! Ginago ka na nga, iiyakan mo pa?

Pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo, wag mo siyang sisihin! Kausapin mo siya ng harap-harapan at sabihin mong, "Ingat, tanga ka pa naman!"

Masakit pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo. Pero wag kang magagalit ng husto. Kahit papano may pinagsamahan naman kayo, diba? Kaya for the last time yakapin mo siya at ibulong mo, "Gago, kukulamin kita!"

If the one you love doesn't love you back, don't get depressed. Just think about it for a while, maybe cry a bit then wipe your tears and say, "Ang weird naman niya. Bakit ayaw nya sa gwapo?!"

You only got one life so live it well... one heart so take good care, one soul so keep it pure. One boyfriend? What a waste! Make it two or more!

Sayang naman ang kagwapuhan natin! Pag sinabi sayo ng mahal mo na ayaw na niya sayo, hayaan mo lang. Wag kang iiyak at magpapakagago! Imbis na iyakan mo siya, ngitian mo lang at sabihin mo ang ganito, "So, pano? Bye na! Naghihintay na ang kapalit mo!"

Who cares about break-ups?

Oo nga, masakit. Makirot sa puso.

Pero tandaan mo: a break-up isn't only an end to a relationship. It's also a beginning of a new one and an end to a living hell called "ex".

Friday, June 15, 2007

Perfectly Unperfect Heart

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen.

The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared - how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you.

You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love. I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart. But, because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared.

Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges - giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people, I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting.

So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.

The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Postponement of Blessing


What is postponement of blessing for you ?

Isn't it that it is the thing you hoped for, the very thing you prayed for every single waking hour that you have?

To some it is a child, to the single, it can be to hear a wedding proposal, to a jobless person the words " you're hired!", or to a parent whose child has wondered off, it is to have him back and hug him... To you what is your postponement of blessing?

Postponement of Blessing simply means that God is delaying what you really really want.

Why?

Maybe He wants you to learn other stuff before He gives you your ultimate dream. Maybe what you are praying for, for the time being is not really what you need and He may have something better for you.

However the long streches of waiting can weary the soul, the feeling of failure can creep in. But what we may feel as failure may only be a postponement of blessing. He may want us to explore other ideas, new horizon or out of the box thoughts before giving us our ultimate reward in life.

On the other hand , it doesn't mean that we need to wait for that blessing to fall from our laps. Maybe we need to work it out more in order to gain it or achieve the position we are vying for.

The art of waiting can be agonizing if you look at it that way, but the brighter side of that, we are made to wait for a greater purpose.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Right time, wrong person. Wrong time, right person.

Somebody once told me that, “Finding the right person is very hard and very wrong... it is best to be the right person for the one you love and start from there... you'll always end up disappointed when you set standards and define a "right person" for you. Don't rush things.... coz somewhere somehow God is preparing somebody for you."

You can never be perfect... the person you love can never be perfect too... but both of you can be perfect through love and prayers, and your love can be perfect through the both of you.

But, no relationship is complete without God… a great relationship is one that is bonded not only between you and your loved one.... but also with God.

Our relationships fail not because (s)he's not the right person… it’s because we expected too much and we decided on our own. Let God do the work... you may call it waiting time.... but while you are waiting... pray. Let God guide you always...

He knows better. No, He knows best. Love is not what you think it is....

Sometimes we mistakenly feel that our first relationship will be our last. Because we are overwhelmed with joy and romance, we forget to learn the meaning of true love. Some are saying that love is unselfish, blind, and unconditional or simply denying oneself for the sake of someone very important in our life. Others are saying love is immortal and can never be defined.

When we think we're in love the first thing we almost wanted the whole world to know is that our love for someone very special can never be taken away from us. We say this phrase: "You are the most wonderful gift from GOD I have ever received..." After a terrible fight or sometimes even a petty quarrel we then say "You are the biggest mistake I've ever made for my entire life!!!". Now, how do you say and spell the word L-O-V-E? Are you really deeply into it?

Nobody can tell what love really is until experience speaks and whispers right into our ears. Most of the time, these love promises --- "Forever, Till Death do us apart, etc." would end up "Never" and "We should part ways, I'm no longer happy with you! My love for you is DEAD!!!" Many times we thought after having committed to someone and your trust too drops down to zero degree.

He isn’t the right one. I should probably wait for the right one to come. But the big question anyone could not answer is "Is he the right one?" "When is the right time?" that made us stick to whom we are with.

Will you always be waiting for the right person to come and the right time to commit? A big YES is the answer.

Don't be in a hurry to get into a relationship because you can never find love if you insist that you are already into it. Try to find time to really understand your real feelings, to know who you really are and what you really want in a relationship.

You're right, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but there's a compatible partnership that goes along with it. If you already knew that you're too big to fit into a small sized t-shirt, don't give it a try. You'll probably break it and pay for the damages you have made. If you knew and felt that the relationship will not last, don't go deeper into it. You'll just suffer the consequences and live like hell the rest of your life.

It's really hard to say goodbye though, but you can't make it any better by just pretending you still have the same feelings. Try to let go and give yourself a chance to live life to the fullest. Give yourself a chance to grow and give your heart a much needed attention. Then you will find that you have made the right decision and you made it all by yourself.

More frequently than not, we all act in a hypocritical manner for some reason. We call it love when we can't leave someone and see them crying as we try to let go. We are wrong, it's just pity. We call it love when we're too attached and think that losing the one we love will somehow make us weak and unable to face the storms of life. We misunderstood; it’s just that we're too much dependent on them. We call it love when we give our whole life to them, the wholeness of us and imagined that if they leave, no one would accept us and our past. We are mistaken, it's just insecurity.

But no matter what the definition is, the truth still remains that love isn't something you can buy nor beg. It is real and existing.

You can't touch it but you can feel it in your heart. You can't find it, but it will knock before you when you least expect it to come.

It can make you the happiest soul in heaven, but don't forget that it also can make you the most miserable person in the whole galaxy.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The Best and The Worst

You know what I think is strange?

When I look back at the good times I have had, I mean the really great times I have experienced in life, you were always right there by my side… But more importantly, when I look at the real rough times, all the trials, you were STILL by my side.

It has been 5 months since that first day I saw you and you have never left my thought since then.

I have to say I'm the luckiest person in the entire world. Why? Because I'm one of those lucky people who found someone like you.

Back then, the thought never entered my mind that you'd be the person I'd love and trust the most. But you showed how valuable our relationship is by always lending me a shoulder to cry on and always finding the key to solve my problems.

You never caused a single tear that rolled down my face, instead, you were always there to wipe the ones others had triggered.

You battled my tough times with me, and you shielded me from everything that harmed me. I will always remember the tough times we went through, but what I will remember most are the times when we laughed so hard tears came rolling down our faces.

I remember watching all those movies only to find that when I was crying you were crying, when I was scared, you were scared, and when I was laughing, you were laughing with me. I remember all those quiet walks we shared. Sometimes we would have so much to say to one another, but sometimes we were short of words but even through the silence, I was having the best walk out of my life.

Probably, you are with someone new now, but I want you to know that you are the pinnacle of what it is to be a real man, to be intelligent, to be strong, to be sweet and endearing, to be full of tenderness, and passion and pain, to be understanding and imperfect, to be in control yet not be.

I want you to know that I continue to admire you and respect you and that I continue to yearn for you, your company, your words, your mind, and your stunning and illuminating and beautiful smile.

Never shall I forget the time I have spent with you. Please continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours.

And when it seems you have nowhere to run, when it can't get any worse … when you need a shoulder, when there is no one left to turn to… I will always be there.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The Ride


I guess, if anything, it's about taking chances, even when you think you're all out of chances. It's about giving forgiveness and unconditional love, even when it seems like you should only do the opposite...

It's about trusting that God puts people in your life at certain times so that you can capitalize on the opportunity.

It's all about the possibility. It's all about what you do with those possibilities.

Life is short, but it moves so fast. Hang on and enjoy the ride.

And when someone comes along with whom you enjoy spending the ride with... hold on tight...

And never let go.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Email and Microsoft

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email".

"I'm sorry", said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.

The man replied, "I don't have an email."

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Technical Support


Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Isthat normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says,"Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Saan ka ba papunta?

Tumatanda ka na, tol.

Nasa Friday Magic Madness na yung mga paborito mong kanta. Nakaka-relate ka na sa Classic MTV. Lesbiana na yung kinaaaliwan mong child star dati. Nanay na lagi ang role ng crush na crush mong matinee idol noon.

Dati, pag may panot, sisigaw ka agad ng "PENDONG!". Ngayon, pag may sumisigaw nun, ikaw na yung napapraning. Parang botika na ang cabinet mo. May multivitamins, vitamin E, vitamin C, royal jelly, tsaka ginko biloba.

Dati, laging may inuman. Sa inuman, may lechon, sisig, kaldereta, inihaw na liempo, pusit, at kung anu-ano pa. Ngayon, nagkukumpulan na lang kayo ng mga kasama mo sa Starbucks at oorder ng tea.

Wala na ang mga kaibigan mo noon.

Ang dating masasayang tawanan ng barkada sa canteen, napalitan na ng walang katapusang pagrereklamo tungkol sa kumpanya ninyo. Wala na ang best friend mo na lagi mong pinupuntahan kapag may problema ka. Ang lagi mo na lang kausap ngayon e ang kaopisina mong hindi ka sigurado kung binebenta ka sa iba pag nakatalikod ka. Ang hirap nang magtiwala.

Mahirap nang makahanap ng totoong kaibigan. Hindi mo kayang pagkatiwalaan ang kasama mo araw-araw sa opisina. Kung sabagay, nagkakilala lang kayo dahil gusto ninyong kumita ng pera at umakyat sa tinatawag nilang "corporate ladder". Anumang pagkakaibigang umusbong galing sa pera at ambisyon ay hindi talaga totoong pagkakaibigan. Pera din at ambisyon ang sisira sa inyong dalawa.

Pera. Pera na ang nagpapatakbo ng buhay mo.

Alipin ka na ng Meralco, PLDT, SkyCable, Globe, Smart, at Sun. Alipin ka ng Midnight Madness. Alipin ka ng tollgate sa expressway. Alipin ka ng credit card mo. Alipin ka ng ATM. Alipin ka ng BIR.

Dati-rati masaya ka na sa isang platong instant pancit canton. Ngayon, dapat may kasamang italian chicken ang fettucine alfredo mo. Masaya ka na noon pag nakakapag-ober-da-bakod kayo para makapagswimming. Ngayon, ayaw mong lumangoy kung hindi Boracay o Puerto Galera ang lugar.

Dati, sulit na sulit na sa yo ang gin pomelo. Ngayon, pagkatapos ng ilang bote ng red wine, maghahanap ka ng San Mig Light o Vodka Cruiser.

Wala ka nang magawa. Sumasabay ang lifestyle mo sa income mo. Nagtataka ka kung bakit hindi ka pa rin nakakaipon kahit tumataas ang sweldo mo. Yung mga bagay na gusto mong bilhin dati na sinasabi mong hindi mo kailangan, abot-kamay mo na. Pero kahit nasa iyo na ang mga gusto mong bilhin, hindi ka pa rin makuntento.

Saan ka ba papunta?

Tol, gumising ka. Hindi ka nabuhay sa mundong ito para maging isa lang sa mga baterya ng mga machines sa Matrix. Hanapin mo ang dahilan kung bakit nilagay ka rito. Kung ang buhay mo ngayon ay uulit-ulit lang hanggang maging singkwenta anyos ka na, magsisisi ka. Lumingon ka kung paano ka nagsimula, isipin ang mga tao at mga bagay na nagpasaya sa yo. Balikan mo sila.

Ikaw ang nagbago, hindi ang mundo.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

It is not what it is


Most of us are preoccupied with things that in the final analysis will not count much. We waste our lives pursuing the wrong dreams fuelled by misguided visions. We are often obsessed with what we are not and what we don’t have.

Why don’t we focus instead on what we are and whatever we have, no matter how little? Why not spend our lives in fervent gratitude for these and celebrate life selflessly with others?

Life really depends on our priorities and points of view. Here are a few reminders to wake us up to what really matters:

It is not where you come from; it is where you’re going that matters.
Don’t worry where you are coming from. If you are already at the top, there is nowhere to go but down. But if you are coming from the bottom, there is a lot of space to grow. Where you come from is not so important; it is where you want to go and where you your dreams to take you that matters.

It is not what you have; it is how you use it.
You may have a brilliant mind but if you don’t harness it, it’s useless. You may have all the material possessions in the world but if you don’t enjoy and share them, you might as well have nothing. You may have all the talents in the world but if you don’t exploit them, they will be of no use to you and others. Thank the universe for the gifts you’ve been given, develop and utilize them to the max.

It is not what you say; it is what you do that counts.
What you say, even when expressed in the most profound words, means nothing if it is not followed by action. Everything you speak must be substantiated and supported by your deeds. Action speaks louder than words. Prove that believe in what you say by practicing what you preach. Walk the talk!

It is not what you do; it is how you do it that counts.
Even if you are just a lowly janitor, endeavor to be the best janitor that you can be. It is really how you go about what you do that makes all the difference. Perform your job with genuine joy and infectious enthusiasm, and soon, people will notice you and reward you. Furthermore, as they say, “It is not whether you win or lose but how you play the game.” Play the game with honesty, dignity and love.

It is not what you receive; it is what you give that counts.
In this life, we receive everything. But ironically, we cannot really keep anything. Everything belongs to God and we are merely His custodians for the moment. We must share whatever blessings we have with others. Anything hoarded is useless and will lose its value. We were born with nothing and cannot bring anything when we finally go.

It is not how much money you have; it is how you use and share it.
People often say, “When I get rich, I’ll be happy.” Truth is that there are many people who are filthy rich but are desperately miserable; there are people who live simpler lives but are actually so much happier. Money cannot buy true and lasting happiness. are the goods and services money can buy and experience insurmountable joy.

It is not the hardships you suffer; it is what you learn that matters.
Life is one big course and the universe one huge university. Every experience, good or bad, brings with it precious gems of knowledge and enlightenment. Concentrate on the life lessons that you learn from your travails, not the pain and the hardships they bring. The diploma you will earn from the school of life is wisdom.

It is not what’s on the outside but what’s inside that counts.
What good is a beautiful and attractively packaged box if there is nothing of value inside it? In this day and age, we put so much emphasis on packaging and presentation, not true worth. But just as we should not judge a book by its cover, we should never judge people from their looks alone. Get to know what’s inside that person---real treasures are found within.

It is not quantity but the quality that matters.
What good is accumulating many things when they have no real worth? So your life will not be stressed with clutter, be very discriminating about acquiring possessions. Be quality, not quantity conscious. The same hold true for time you share with your love ones and friends. Make sure to provide them quality time. These precious moments are what create a quality life.

It is not how you conform; it is the difference you make that counts.
Conforming to society is fine but only up to a certain degree. Don’t be controlled by other people and end up like puppet on a string moving to their dictates. Never lose your individuality and personal values. Remember that it is the positive difference you contribute to the world that will eventually matter.

It is not how old you are; it is how young you think, feel and dream.
Age only matters if you are wine cheese or an antique. Realize that you are never too old for anything in this world. Never too old to live, love, learn, lust and laugh. You are never too old to dream and achieve. As long as you are alive, hope springs eternal. Don’t ever get discouraged from climbing the impossible Mount Everest of your life.

It is not their life you are living; it’s your life and yours alone!
It is not what others say, it is what you feel and want that really matter. Live life with the awareness that your choices bring about consequences that you will either savor or suffer from. Live your life for yourself, for what you believe in, for what you value. But realize that your thoughts, feelings and actions have a crucial and irreversible impact on other people’s lives.

I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end, we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, of chance and in the peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all.

Life's funny that way... once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

Have a Blessed and Fruitful weekend everyone!

I love you all!

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

Isn't it funny how one person can walk into your life and right at that moment you think that they are the one?

Isn't it funny how after all the tears, and the hurt and the pain you still think that they are the one?

Isn't it funny how no matter what this person does to you or says to you in your heart you still feel that they are the one?

Why is that?

Why do we make ourselves fall head over heels for someone who in return isn’t that great? When more often than not the right one… the nice one, the one who won’t hurt you and betray you is staring you right in the face…

And he could be a friend, or someone that you occasionally talk to...

But isn't it funny how no matter what everyone says that that one person that hurts you and betrays you is never going to go away…

And no matter how many people you meet that will probably never do that to you... but then we still push them away...

Why is that so funny?

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

To Be or Not to Be?


When you break up with someone, and you hang out with your friends, you want him to be there but then again, on second thought, you don’t want him to be there because you enjoy his presence and you like being with him…

Why?

Because he is always the one that can make you laugh, even when no one else is laughing; he is always the one that will make the stupid comments and the immature jokes, but you always laugh, and you can’t figure why…

But then you don’t want him to be there because every time you look at him it makes you want him even more.

You look at him and in your mind you’re saying “right now, I would be holding his hand, or kissing him” and it kills you that he doesn’t see how much you are hurting, but you try hiding it by smiling when he says hi to you or if he even looks at you…

And at the back of your numb worn-out mind, you wonder if he thinks or feels the same way you feel because you want to tell him how you feel so bad, but is afraid that he will laugh in your face, or even worse, not even pay attention….

So what do you do?

You mask all your feelings with a smile, pretending nothing is wrong, until you get home, where you cry yourself to sleep holding something dear to you that he gave you…

Silently wishing he also felt the pain that you feel…

Monday, June 4, 2007

I'm Not Average

Remember prison ball and jumping jacks and how your P.E. teacher made you try to climb that rope that hung from the ceiling and you never could, never?

Or how you had to do chin-ups and see how long you could hang and you could only hang something like 2.5 seconds but that wasn't good enough, oh no, you had to hang something like 65 seconds and you could never do that and thank God it was only pass/no pass and you got a pass just for showing up and trying. Which was good.

But when you got older. And P.E. teachers got smarter. Because now you got graded.
You got graded and at least once you got the dreaded C or the equally dreaded C+ and there went your whole grade-point average and speaking of average that's what you were now: plain-old-just-mediocre-better-luck-next-time-see-ya-later-average and you thought:

Now wait just a gosh darn minute who, exactly, is average?

And the answer came back ringing loud and clear over the top of that chin-up bar: Nobody.

You're not average because average is a lie. You're not average because average means stuck and you're not stuck, you're moving and becoming and trying and you're climbing over every bit of fear or opinion or "no you can't do that" you've ever heard.

So you scoff at average.

You laugh. You guffaw. And you run and you play and you move and the more you tell your body that it is a well-oiled machine the more it starts to believe you.

And then one night you have the craziest dream.
You're in the middle of your old gym. Your P.E. teacher is standing there. She is grinning. There is a rope before you...

So you climb it.

And there is absolutely no place to go but up.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

WANTED: PERFECT LOVER

Initially, I really didn’t want to answer this question because I think it’s too cheesy. But since I am always being asked of what I am looking for in a guy, I might as well describe eight different points of what I think a male perfect lover should be.

Besides, who knows, he might get to read this blog.

Here it goes...

1) He's gotta be grown-up. Does he do what needs to be done? Does he know what needs to be done to begin with? Is he responsible, trustworthy, and reliable? Can he admit when he's wrong? Does he take responsibilities for his words and actions? Most importantly, does he take charge of his life or is he one of those self-destructive victims who blame everyone but themselves for their unhappiness (In that case, he can look elsewhere).

2) He must be funny and imaginative. I like guys who laugh easily, and who aren't afraid to be silly and spontaneous. He must know how to make me laugh and he should smile often. He and I must be able to have fun anywhere we are, whether it's at a rock concert, or inside a theatre watching a horror movie, or a walk in the park, or bumming on a sofa, or at a 7-Eleven --- anywhere!

3) I simply cannot be with a boring person. He must be the type of person who enjoys conversation. Someone who always has a say on things. If I can talk to him for hours and hours straight, and be genuinely interested in what he's saying the entire time, then that's 50 pogi-points. But he must also enjoy being silent.

4) Passion is sexy. He has to be passionate about something --- be it sports, music, art, anything, theatre, movies, books --- so long as I can tell his heart is in it, and his eyes light up when he brings it up, and he can talk about it like life is not worth living without it. (Note: this does not hold true for drugs, alcohol, pornography... you get the idea)

5) He must have direction in his life. Ok, so maybe he's in his twenties and going through confusion. Maybe he doesn't have to know exactly what he wants to do. But in the meantime, I would at least like him to be actively searching for what he wants to do, and not just bumming around watching TV or playing computer games at home.

6) What makes me fall in love is not perfection but imperfection --- little quirks that define a person's personality and character. I don't want perfect taste in clothes. I just want him to dress like himself, whoever that is. I don't want perfectly neat hair, or perfect skin. I like my men touchable, real, comfortable with themselves, and yes, a little messy, and scruffy, and madungis. ;-) It's just personal preference.

7) It is important to me that he has a spiritual life. This is not about being Catholic. This is about believing in a transcendent being, a belief that there is something beyond all this that we must strive for. I want him to pray, not just the Hail-Holy-Mary kind of praying, but real praying. It's okay if he's not entirely sure what he believes in yet, as long as he's searching.

8) Last but not the least, I would like him to be the kind of person who cares about humanity. I want him to be kind, and compassionate and capable of making good moral decisions. He must love his family and he must learn to love the people I love, or at least understand why I love them. He must have a cause, and a desire to make a difference. Ok, he doesn't have to save the world, but I do want him to have other ambitions besides getting rich, buying a nice house, and a nice car.

Anyone qualified?

Who wants to apply? Send me your updated resume. =)

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Friends and T.V.











Friends are like television.

Some are like Game Ka Na Ba? Or Deal or no Deal? always giving out money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell every day.

Some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch anyway.

And then there are the ones like the commercials, always changes, ever-so-annoying and only seem to be there when you are bored.

But every once and a while you meet someone who's like a really good movie of the week or that one TV show you hardly ever get to see anymore because you're so busy.

My point is hold on to the friends you care about… cherish the moments you spent with them and never take them for granted in the midst of you very busy schedule…

And since we don't have a remote control to mute someone or just change the channel, pick your friends carefully.

With the friends I have right now? I definitely made the right choice.

And I don’t need a remote control, because I am not turning this television off --- at least not while my friends are around. =)

Friday, June 1, 2007

Never Apologize

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.

2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.

3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.

4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.

6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.

7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.

8. Don't apologize for being a single mom. Babies are a blessing.

9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if wedding bells won't chime.

12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.

13. Never apologize for saying NO.

14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?

15. Never apologize for wearing a weave. You bought it so it's yours.

16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends.

17. Never apologize for ordering dessert. Or more than one dessert.

18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothers.

19. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.

20. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.

2 1 . Never apologize for changing your mind.

22 . Never apologize for exercising your right to choose. It's your body and your right.

23. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.

24. Never apologize for being you! "KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD"

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Law of the Seed

Take a look at an apple tree.

There might be five hundred apples on the tree, each with ten seeds.

That's a lot of seeds! We might ask, "Why would you need so many seeds to grow just a few more trees?"

Nature has something to teach us here. It's telling us: "Most seeds never grow. So if you really want to make something happen, you had better try more than once."

This might mean:

You'll attend twenty interviews to get one job.

You'll interview forty people to find one good employee.

You'll talk to fifty people to sell one house, car, vacuum cleaner, insurance policy, idea.

And you might meet a hundred acquaintances to find one special friend.

When we understand the "Law of the Seed", we don't get so disappointed. We stop feeling like victims.

Laws of nature are not things to take personally. We just need to understand them - and work with them.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

What my name means…

There are 12 letters in your name.
Those 12 letters total to 62
There are 5 vowels and 7 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Welsh, Male, Variant of Mervyn: Form of Merlin: From the sea fortress.
Teutonic, Male, Mariner.
English, Male, Famous friend.
Celtic, Male, Lives by the sea.

Your number is: 8

The characteristics of #8 are:

Practical endeavors, status oriented, power-seeking, high-material goals.

The expression or destiny for #8:

Your Expression is represented by the number 8. The 8 Expression is well-equipped in a managerial sense. You have outstanding organizational and administrative capabilities. You have the potential for considerable achievement in business or other powerful positions. You can expect to receive the financial and material rewards. You have the skill and abilities to establish or operate a business with great efficiency. You have good judgment when it comes to money and commercial matters, and you understand how to build and accumulate material wealth. Much of your success (or lack of it) may come due to your ability (or inability) to judge character. With the number 8 Expression, you exercise sound judgment in most of your affairs; you are realistic and practical in your approach to business matters.

The positive 8 Expression produces individuals that are very ambitious and goal-oriented. If the 8 energy is not in excess in your makeup, you will no doubt express these traits to some extent. No one has any more energy that a person with the 8 Expression who has a plan laid and is starting to work. No one has any more self-confidence, either. If you are expressing the positive qualities of 8, you are an outstanding manager because you can plan, initiate, and complete projects; you are very dependable and determined.

As it always happens, there can be too much of a good thing. If you have too much of the 8 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes. A negative 8 can be very rigid and stubborn. Ambition sometimes has a way of becoming over-ambition, and you may express an unreasonable impatience with the lack of progress. If your negative side is showing, you may be too exacting, both of yourself and of others. Sometimes this can even becomes a case of intolerance.

The number 8 is very materialistic and also very desirous of status and power. Neither of these drives are inherently negative unless they are taken to an extreme. You must avoid the tendency to strain after money, material matters, status, or power, to the detriment of the other important factors in your life.

Your Soul Urge number is: 3

A Soul Urge number of 3 means:

With the Soul Urge number 3 your desire in life is personal expression, and generally enjoying life to its fullest. You want to participate in an active social life and enjoy a large circle of friends. You want to be in the limelight, expressing your artistic or intellectual talents. Word skills may be your thing; speaking, writing, acting, singing. In a positive sense, the 3 energy is friendly, outgoing and always very social.

You have a decidedly upbeat attitude that is rarely discouraged; a good mental and emotional balance.
The 3 Soul Urge gives intuitive insight, thus, very high creative and inspirational tendencies.

The truly outstanding trait shown by the 3 Soul Urge is that of self-expression, regardless of the field of endeavor.

On the negative side, you may at times become too easygoing and too optimistic, tending to scatter forces and accomplish very little. Often, the excessive 3 energy produces non-stop talkers. Everyone has faults, but the 3 soul urge doesn't appreciate having these pointed out.

Your Inner Dream number is: 5

An Inner Dream number of 5 means:

You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplished.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Pretty Much Screwed

I saw him the other day for the first time in months.

I mean, I've seen him recently, but today I really saw him --- me looking at him, him looking at me, right in the eyes and straight to the heart.

And I could feel it, I could feel him, and it was amazing.

It's there between us... I just wish he wasn't too afraid to see it.
I guess I should have said something, anything.

I mean for a guy who wants to be a writer, it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written.

When someone tells you that they somehow stopped missing you, you're pretty much screwed no matter what you say.

See, but there had to be something right? Something that no one had ever said in the history of the world, something that could change this.

And, "Hi. How are you doin'?"

That wasn't it.

Damn.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Don't keep score... love isn't a contest

Sometimes, love dies. And there is no easy explanation for it.
Some of us see it coming. Some of us don’t. But most of us try not to see it at all. Because it is easier to pretend that all is well rather than admit that your dreams have been shattered and that you are left only with the broken pieces of your heart.

It hurts to imagine the person we love with someone else. It hurts to no longer be the object of his/her affections. It hurts to be no longer the center of his/her universe. It hurts to no longer be wanted. It hurts to be discarded, replaced and dumped unceremoniously like an old rag that has outlived its usefulness.

It hurts to no longer be loved.

But it happens everyday to the best of us, to the beautiful, the kind, the talented, the smart, the successful, the multi-awarded.

It happens to the perfect wife, sister, friend and mother. It happens to the civic leader, the CEO, the cover girl.

Whether or not it’s something we did or didn’t do, sometimes, love just dies. And over thinking would serve no purpose.

To be loved is a blessing. But to no longer be loved is not necessarily a tragedy.

We’ve been raised since childhood to believe that love must last forever. And perhaps it must. But isn’t it possible to simply be happy for the love you have no matter if it doesn’t last forever?
Isn’t it possible to simply savor the moment and become richer by it without wanting to possess it forever?

Isn’t it possible to love and let go and love again?

Isn’t it possible to love forever but to love different people over time?

It’s all right to no longer be loved. It’s all right to stop loving. It’s all right to mourn for loves losses but to condemn yourself to a life of misery because your love didn’t last forever is foolhardy.

If love must die, let it go peacefully into the night.

But don’t keep score.

Love is not a contest.

It is not a competition to see who emerges the prettiest, the craftiest or toughest. Love is what it is --- a gift.

It cannot be forced on anyone. Neither can it be forced out of anyone.

So let it be.

When love dies, hold on to the memories. But let go of the one you love.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

HERE WE GO AGAIN...

It's easy to convince yourself that you aren't in love with someone anymore... that you have successfully moved on… that you have learned to let go… that you’ve got yourself together and you’ve done pretty well without them by your side…

Until the time you see them in the hallway, or smell someone wearing their cologne… or hear the song they used to sing to you…

And then you're like, okay, here we go again…

So my conclusion is this: you don't ever stop loving someone.

It's more a matter of learning to deal with the pain of not having them anymore. Because you can convince yourself and maybe honestly learn to get used to them not being around your tiny fragile world… but in reality, you know from deep down in your soul that you still can’t live without them…

They might not be in the big picture… but somewhere along the edges of your slowly healing heart…

There they are… reminding you that once, you loved…

And you loved well…

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Once In a While

So often life is every bit as good, if not better, than the wonderful make-believe movies we love to watch.

It has all the same joy and sorrow, mystery and suspense, adventure and excitement, and love and emotion --- except it's real.

Live your life as if it were a great movie --- complete with a happy ending.

…Because once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life...

Love gives us a fairy tale.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Only That Moon

Sometimes I feel like there is a hole inside me... An emptiness that, at times, seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.

And the moon in Makati tonight: there's a circle around it --- a sign of trouble not far behind.

I have this dream of being whole... Of not going to sleep each night wanting, but still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.

I just want someone to love me.

I want to be seen.

I don't know...
Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it, but there is no man...

Only that moon.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Helpless Puppets

There are moments in your life that make you... that set the course for who you're going to be.

Sometimes they're little subtle moments.

Sometimes they're not…

Bottom line is even when you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. Nobody asks for his or her life to change.

Not really, but it does.

So what are we helpless Puppets?

No, the big moments are going to come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts...

That’s when you find out who you are.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal

There was a time that it never seemed to matter much…

No --- that’s not true –-- There was a time I deceived myself into thinking that it didn’t matter much; A time when I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be: Successful, wealthy, independent, helpful, knowledgeable…
How did I allow myself to lose everything I stood for… everything I wanted? When did I give up and give in?

Where did I go to be so far from reality?

Who was I kidding?

Maybe it was all me, afraid to face reality, afraid to face rejection, afraid to face loss and pain and emptiness…

Maybe I realized that I couldn’t be what I wanted, couldn’t be where I wanted, and couldn’t have what I needed…

Maybe I thought I could have my reality if I lived up to everyone else’s first…

Maybe I was just a fool…

Now reality is here and I can’t turn away. I can’t hide; can’t run fast enough or far enough. All the pain and loss, all of the wrong choices, all of the missed opportunities, all of the loneliness…

My reality envelops me, washes through every pore, and flows through me with more strength than my blood…

Pain, anger, fear, and longing have become so constant and omnipresent that I can no longer feel them individually or feel any other emotions at all. My reality pulls me down into that same abyss I have feared my whole life, But I still retain a faint glimmer of hope (fool that I am).

Truth, passion, joy, bonding, caring, love --– It seems so simple. Shouldn’t these things come to everyone? Why for others and not for me?

How can I live without the only things that really matter?

Who am I kidding?!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Why I drink Beer


Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

Monday, May 21, 2007

A leopard can't change his stripes and neither can a queer.


Brian Kinney: You stupid little twat, never let anyone fuck you without a condom.
Justin: You're not just anyone.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, I'm sure that's what Ben thought about the guy who infected him. Put it on me... I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.


Queer As Folk is a TV series that has changed the way I look at life, love, friends and sex. After seeing season one, I just knew that my life and my perspective would never be the same again.

My fascination with Queer As Folk started when my ex-boyfriend who works in a gay-lesbian oriented magazine introduced the TV series to me. Being the influential guy that he is, I quickly got interested into seeing the said TV flick.

Since then, I have been following the trail of events of this not so usual, groundbreaking series.

Michael Charles Novotny: I don't know how you do it, working all day, fucking all night.
Brian Kinney: Well they say in the vast emptiness of space, the faster you move, the slower you age. I have to believe the same holds true for Pittsburgh. You care to join me?
Michael Charles Novotny: You'll have to stay forever young without me.
Brian Kinney: I understand, you're in a committed relationship with your, what is that hideous expression? Significant other? Loser.

Queer As Folk is an innovative, provocative, and groundbreaking series that chronicles the friendships, careers, loves, trials, tribulations, and ambitions of a diverse group of gay men and lesbians living in Pittsburgh, PA. Blending strong drama with necessary charm and humor, Queer As Folk rivals any other show presented on television.

It provides viewers with a graphic & intense (and sometimes controversial) view of several different issues such as love, relationships, sex, friendship, personal highs & lows, and life in the gay and lesbian community.

Justin: [to his father] If you wanna hit me go right ahead. Because I'm not gonna cry like some little faggot. And if you wanna send me off to boarding school that's fine too. Because I bet more butt fucking goes on in boarding schools than in the back room of Babylon. But whatever you do, it doesn't matter. Because I'll still be your queer son.

A major part of the show's high likeability most definitely lies in its highly talented cast of characters; the comedic, boy-next-door Michael (Hal Sparks) and his charming boyfriend Ben (Robert Gant), the undeniably sexy and promiscuous Brian (Gale Harold), flamboyant and undaunted Emmett (Peter Paige), modest Ted (Scott Lowell), a "two steps forward, two steps back" kind of guy, and the young, talented, romance-crazed Justin (Randy Harrison).
Also adding the show's charm are its three resident ladies: Melanie (Michelle Clunie) & Lindsay (Thea Gill), a high-spirited and loveable lesbian couple raising a family together, and Debbie (Sharon Gless), Michael's ever-so-proud and delightful mother.

Ted: [on dating a guy who's HIV positive] It's like playing with fire. I mean... what if a condom breaks? Or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed?
Brian: Or he shoots off his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe and it accidentally flies up your ass...

With its mix of loveable characters, captivating story lines, and undeniable charm, Queer As Folk has, over the years, definitely evolved into the compelling and ever-so-popular show it was destined to be.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

We continue to learn every single day


Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh.

I've learned...

…That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

…That when you're in love, it shows. I’m in love. I have always been in love. =)

… That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

… That being kind is more important than being right.

…That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

… That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

… That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

… That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

…That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

… That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

… That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

… That money doesn't buy class and love and friends

.… That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

… That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

… That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

… That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

… That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

… That in love --- time heals all wounds.

… That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

… That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

… That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

… That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

… That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

… That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

… That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

… That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

… That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

… That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

… That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

… That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

… That it’s my dad’s birthday yesterday.

… That Kuya Cesar is already dead.

… That Chiz Escudero is leading the senatorial slate.

… That it’s already late and I need to sleep because we are leaving early tomorrow morning.

… That this blog entry is getting a little longer than I thought.

… That I have to end it right now. =)

In a nutshell: We can never stagnate in this life. There are just too many things to learn… and yes, lessons? --- There’s plenty for everyone…