Please, not again...

I hate when I get so frustrated . Everything just goes wrong at once, and I try so hard to fight it.
But the tears, they always come.

I'm so scared of falling, cause once I do, it's fight after fight to get back up.

It could take days, months, years even.

I don't know if I have that kind of strength anymore.

Please, don't let me fall...

How am I?

Every time someone asks me that question, I say, "I'm fine, thank you," but to be honest, I'm not.

Do people really want to know how you feel when they ask how are you? Or are they just trying to be polite?

The next time the woman across the road from my apartment says to me, 'how are you?' I'm going to say to her:

"Well, actually, I'm not very well at all, thank you. I'm feeling a bit depressed and lonely. Pissed off at the world. Envious of you and your perfect little family but not particularly envious of your husband for having to live with you."

And then I'll tell her about how I started a new job and met lots of new people and how I'm trying hard to pick myself up but that I'm now at a loss about what else to do.

Then I'll tell her how it pisses me off when everyone says time is a healer when at the same time they also say absence makes the heart grow fonder, which really confuses me because that means that the longer he's gone the more I want him.

I'll tell her that nothing is healing at all and that every morning I wake up in my empty bed it feels like salt is being rubbed into those unhealing wounds.

And then I'll tell her about how much I miss my partner and about how worthless my life seems without him. How uninterested I am in getting on with things without him, and I'll explain how I feel like I'm just waiting for my world to end so that I can join him.

She'll probably just say, "Oh that's good," like she always does, kiss her husband good-bye, hop into her car, and drop her kids at school, go to work, make the dinner and eat the dinner, and go to bed with her husband and she'll have it all done while I'm still trying to decide what color shirt to wear to work.

What do you think?

Sigh... life... it's messy... (at least mine is)

A great theme fo a great life

It's not death

I worry about

It's life that will bury us all

It's the frustration of finishing the day

In the exact same place you started it

If you are lucky

It's not sorrow

It's getting hard to handle

It's being optimistic that grinds us to dust

With nothing to hope for you take it as it comes

And it only comes close to what you wish it will

If you are lucky

It's not the sound of noise that you really hate

It's the silence that comes and covers your soul

You can learn to live with noise; it's a sound of life

It's the sound of silence that makes you feel dead

If you are lucky

It's being surrounded by noise

Being sad and preferably dead

That I really wish for

If I'm lucky.

A great writer once said, that a great book requires a great theme.

So does a great life.

An endless stream of books are meaningless and will not last as great literature, because they do not have a great theme.

So it is with people.

All too much in human history is wasted and meaningless because there is no great theme, no great purpose in life. Men and women have a deep hunger in life for meaning and purpose, but so often they are afraid to let go of a self-centered ego.

To have a great theme in life involves taking a risk of moving beyond the narrow limitations of myself and discovering our true self where Jesus is at the center: nurturing, healing and empowering us to be men and women for others.

Here is our great theme, our meaning and purpose…

On a lighter note

Break-ups are always painful if you ever care about each other. Both people are often wounded, and hurt each other with emotional reactions. But break-ups can reveal more about our heart and fears if we let the Spirit instruct us through the painful times. In my experience, when I'm hurting most is when the Spirit draws near to give comfort and insight.

We never know how things will work out. All we can really do is act the best we can in our particular circumstances. Remember that what lies in store for us isn't always that which we immediately hope for.

We can't dictate terms and expectations from God. His blessings probably exceed the little concerns we're struggling for. You may not be able to change the situation, but you can always try to grow through the challenges you're experiencing. It has more to do with HOW you handle the situation than how it turns out.

The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.

On love and commitments

1)Pressure

When you make a decision to be with someone because of the pressure you feel (from yourself or others) rather than because the person seems right for you, you are giving your power away and ensuring an unhappy end to your love story.

2)Loneliness and Desperation

When you are feeling lonely or desperate, you are much more likely to make poor love choices and end up in unfullfilling relationships.

Be much pickier, Don't lower your standards just because you're feeling times are tough. You're not a store trying to get rid of old merchandise that puts it on sale -- You are a valuable, lovable human being who deserves to have the kind of relationship you want, not just the kind you think you can get.

3)Sexual Hunger

Do you have a s Sexual Hunger Limit (SHL), a period of time beyond which you feel "something is wrong" because you haven't been sexually active? It's good to know your SHL. YOu might want to put it on your calendar as the time approaches, so you can be careful to avoid getting involved with someone for the wrong reason!

4)Distraction from your own life

Some people have relationships because they are bored with the lack of passion and purpose in their lives, and rather than looking within to find out why they feel that way, they get involved in a love affair and make that their purpose. These relationships never work because you aren't in love with the person -- you're in love with the distraction.

5)To avoid growing up

Finding someone to take care of you so you don't have to grow up.

6)Guilt

You remain in romantic situations not because you want to stay, but because you are afraid of what might happen if you left.

When you decide to be with someone out of guilt and not love, you are ripping them and yourself off.

7)To fill up your emotional or spiritual emptiness

If you have deep places of emptiness within you, no partner, regardless of how much they love you, will be able to fill that emptiness.

It is fullness that makes a relationship work, not emptiness.

What’s so Lethal about Dating?

Do you ever wonder when you meet someone if you are meeting the real person or a "representative"? Every now and again, I am reminded of how lethal the dating game can be. It is not for the faint of heart.

And so, my story goes...

OK, so my friend kept insisting I meet this guy. "Just have a drink," she said. She began to beg, so I finally decided to oblige her. I mean she made this guy sound better than sliced bread. The fact that I hadn’t been out on a "real" date in months was also a factor. My post-break-up life was taking some getting used to and I was attempting to get some normalcy back in my life.

We were slated to meet at a nightclub, which I wasn’t too crazy about at first, but I figured dancing would break the ice pretty quickly. Earlier when he and I spoke, he seemed to be intelligent and well spoken. He must have called my cell a dozen times to confirm and reconfirm. Was he overly attentive or a potential stalker? The jury was still out on this one.

I made it to my destination, and he and I hit it off instantly. He had a great sense of humor and was definitely pleasing to the eyes.

He ordered me a glass of margarita and we chatted about everything from work to relationships. After dancing the night away, things ended as sweet as they began and he was the perfect gentleman.

Over the next several days I was wined, dined and swept off my feet. He even took me to his work to meet his officemates. I truly believed this guy was the real thing. Our conversations were great and our time together was enjoyable. I had to pinch myself to make sure this was real.

He talked about living in together. He called me his "soul mate." So I wasn’t at all surprised when he asked me to be his boyfriend. We were compatible on so many different levels, I eagerly accepted. We started to plan our lives together.

There were just two things standing in the way --- Benjo and Kevin, the other two guys he had been seeing while dating me.

As it turns out, this man managed to lie about every aspect of his life. Benjo and Kevin were just two, of many, in his flock. He turned out to be nothing he claimed to be. The signs were there all along, but I made sense out of them at the time. I bet you can relate.

Hindsight is 20/20 and the lessons from this experience were invaluable. So to all of you who love being "in love," meditate on this. Slow down, take your time and check things out objectively. Separate fantasy from reality and trust your instinct.

Always remember, if you play the game in any form, you become the game.

Note to self: Look beneath the surface. The truth lives there.

Unlike "I love you", "I want you" and "I need you..."

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I love you,” with its history of being an accomplice to lies, with its bad reputation as a myth. What is “I love you” but the easy way out, the secret weapon revealed at the ends of long-drawn battles between desperation and despair? “I love you” is what you say when you run out of valid arguments but decide to keep fighting anyway. “I love you” is what you use when you want to appear to be someone you’re not. These are powerful words, powerful in the way that politicians and generals are nowadays, worth their weight in gold. “I love you” has been the pillar of empires and friendships, and their causes for downfall. “I love you” is where you build the tower of your trust, only to see it crumble down when these words are said to someone else. “I love you” is what you use when you want to be unfair, when you want to deliberately hurt. “I love you” throws the whole equation in chaos, unbalances the seesaw. It implies the loss of reason and pride, but is used to manipulate, to blackmail, leaving behind disillusionment and disappointment.

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I want you” with its raw, blatant inconsideration, its implications of a primal need that is best released orgasmically. “I want you” is what spoiled brats say, it’s what selfish bitches say, it’s what horny boys say. “I want you” is harsh, said through clenched teeth, said with wild eyes. “I want you” is a physical sentence, the amalgamation of skin against a number of factors: skin on skin, fingernail on skin, teeth on skin. It is violent and rapid, a whirlwind of emotion, an explosion of saliva and other bodily fluids. These are words that have no origin, they emerge from the basest of instincts, they are triggered by smell, by touch, by the look of rawness in another person’s eyes. These are words that signal the coming of a storm, and like most storms, they wreak havoc and then depart, leaving behind ruin and wounds.

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I need you”, with its childish, clingy implications, its sad, pathetic grievances. “I need you” leaves you open, blinding you to yourself, eradicating all traces of self-respect. “I need you” is the dying breath of a failed relationship. It is the battle cry of an overpowered suitor. These words signal the clinging to memories that are either long gone, or never were. These words bypass true necessity to make fools out of the sayers. These are not words to be used by all; it takes the strongest persons to relay this message correctly. Otherwise all is naught, you only reveal yourself as an empty shell craving for something, anything, to fill it. But then, the strongest persons never have the need to say these words. It’s the irony of life. These words are like taking a knife to your throat and piercing your skin gently, leaving behind a trail of blood too thin for anyone to see, but painful enough for you to feel.

The three words that mean the most, I think, the ones that really hit the mark, and often in the most unexpected of ways, are “I miss you”. This is the sentence that sends the message right home. Because what other message is there? Nothing else, except exactly just that, “I miss you”, and everything else is pulled along into it, like a chain reaction.

Unlike “I love you” and the lies that go along with it, “I miss you” is honest and sincere, you only say it when you mean it, and you don’t have to mean it in a big way to really mean it.

Unlike “I want you” and its expectations, “I miss you” offers all it has, and waits for nothing in return.

Unlike “I need you” and its desperate whines, “I miss you” stands on its own, a whole entity in just three words, devoid of arms that cling to you for life.

“I miss you” means everything and nothing, it is unflinching and honest. It is upbeat and simple, with wisps of longing and clouds of hope. You miss people you used to love, people you used to want, people you used to need. But most of the time the missing is all that’s left, and that’s OK, there’s nothing else you’d change.

The missing implies a past that remains in its rightful place. Or it implies the reality and possibilities of the present. It is hope and love and lust and peace all at the same time. Some people say that when they met that person, it was akin to “coming home”.

And missing is this manifestation of home-sickness, the way people return to their homelands to die, the way all the comfort the world has to offer is nothing compared to the feeling of being in someone’s arms.

And that’s why I miss you, because you’re not here, and because every time I think about you, that’s all that I think.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, and the world turns for both of us, and I can’t wait until you come home.

Don't think about that guy

"Don't think about that guy!"

You shouted to me over your shoulder as you ran toward the bus stop, your bright red sweater flashing as you disappeared into the crowd.

I must have shouted something back at you although I can't remember what it was. Knowing me, it was probably a very weary but enthusiastic "OK!" The enthusiasm was for you - my best effort to appease optimists - but the weariness was for me and the inevitable catch-22 of bullshit infatuations: to get over someone, you find someone else. Don't think about that guy by thinking about another guy.

Not that I was looking for you. I always felt this strange ticking sensation deep within me whenever I'd run into you on campus. Like a tiny grandfather clock was sitting inside my chest, and whenever I'd see you, it would strike midnight. I still walk those same pathways where I used to glimpse you, and sometimes I expect to just see you striding toward me, headphones around your neck, a book in your face. Even though I know it's impossible, I think that part of me secretly hopes that I will see you walking, completely unaware that you're about to bump into me like you did that afternoon you told me not to think about "that guy." I guess it's for the better...because we all know what happens when twelve am rolls around. The little bird jumps out and yells "Cuckoo!"

I have been forced to live a stationary life since I was born, and the frustration of it all has finally polluted me. I think I've made up for the sedentary lifestyle that has throttled me throughout these years by finding romance in individuals who won't stay still. Maybe it's from the hope they can make me free like them, and I can fly away from this self-defeating cage of unattainable dreams. I'm always ready to leave, always ready to go somewhere, but the clock never strikes midnight when I'm alone.

"Don't think about that guy!" you shouted to me.

I never would have thought that you would later be "that guy." The guy that I would have to let go of, the guy I couldn't hold on to forever.

You're always ready to leave, always ready to go somewhere.

And sometimes, when I think about all of the memories we've made together, I still feel a pressing urgency to go chase you. But I know I never will. I found you without looking for you, and if I ever do find you again I don't want to hear the ticking of any clock.

Most of our love was clocks.

“Let’s still be friends, okay?”

“Let’s still be friends, okay?” this is the most common aftermath line when two lovers broke up. A promise of lasting friendship is simply a cover up for an uncomfortable situation, nothing more.

Maybe the line begins with very good intentions, but chances are, you end up with rotten results.

It’s so difficult to still keep in touch, and even if you do, you’d always be careful on the things you’re going to say.

If you say you’re doing great and feeling happy with the ways things are going, you may sound defensive, as if you are not affected.

If you say words of reminders or concern, you might sound as if you’re still in love with him.

If you tell him about your friends and your crushes you might sound like you want him to make jealous even if you don’t intend to, just to keep in touch…. right?

Sometimes we find ourselves smiling, reminiscing, and then later we’d end up crying. Why? A question that is quite hard to find an answer…

How can we convince ourselves to forget all about that guy when he’d done many nice things for us? We don’t have an idea what will happen next…but still, things kept on bothering our minds…

Do I still love him? Yes, in fact very much…but I doubt we’ll get back together again… Maybe all they can do for now is wait --- to wait for the right one…

Don’t even care how long.

Cause true love? That is worth waiting for…

Emancipation of the Heart

When you look for it, why can you not find it? When you stop looking, why does it find you? When you search for it, why do you do it in all the wrong places? When you give up, why do you run into it in the most unlikely of places?

When you let go, is it because you love too much or because you don't love enough? What brings more pain--loving or leaving? Is the realization that you no longer pine for anyone a liberating or lonely feeling?

When romantic relationships spark no interest, is it because you love yourself too much or because you love others too little? When you leave, should you feel dispirited? Or should you feel invigorated? When you are left behind, should you feel lost? Or should you feel emancipated?

When you stop loving, is it the end or the beginning?

When you cling to it, you lose it. When you avoid it, it tracks you down.

Defining it will confound you.

Coveting it will destroy you.

But if you can just let it be, it can be a gift that can be appreciated for what it is and all that it can bring you.

When you love no matter what, are you brave or are you mad? When you fall in love, are you blessed or are you cursed? When you refuse to fall out of love, are you determined or deranged? Does love inspire? Or does it drain?

When you are resolute, are you romantic or are you rabid?

Why do people say they love when they don't? And why do they say they don't when they do? Why is a declaration of love the hardest of statements to make when it is real? And the easiest to make when it is false?

Why can a child declare with certainty and without fear, that she is loved?

No matter how many times she has been berated? Because against conflicting words and actions, repeated denials and numerous contradictions, love shows itself when it is there. And even when no words are spoken, much is said.

Why do people love even when they are not loved back? Why do people love a little, love a lot, love deeply, love foolishly, love forever, love again? Why do people love at all? Does love empower? Or does it enfeeble?

Why do we see something in someone that others don't? Why do our hearts beat faster for one person against the rest? Why can we forgive someone for sins we cannot forgive others? Why do we love someone and not someone else?

As Pascal put it, "The heart has its reasons which reason cannot know."

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko, 10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung ano pa man.

Minsan mo na akong tinanong kung pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita. Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin. Wala ng iba.

Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.

Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako. Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan ka na.

Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako. Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring kwenta.

Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad mo.

Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang nagbago.

Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na. Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita. Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng paghihirap...

Tama na, tapos na.

Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang sigurado ako.

Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.

Defining Friendship's Moments

I used to be afraid of so many things... that I'd never grow up, that I'd be trapped in the same place for all eternity, that my dreams would forever be shy of my reach.

It's true what they say. Time plays tricks on you. One day you're dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality.

And now that this scared little boy no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss him.
I do.

'Cause there are things I wanna tell him --- to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be ok. I want him to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you, who actually accept you for who you are, will become an increasingly rare occurrence.

Lisa, Liila, Anna, Despi, Pinky, Pam, IA, Marica, Sherryl Lou, Ardie, Debbie, El, Sean, Vincent, Uly, my loving brother Mark and my countless faceless blog readers... These people who contributed to who I am, they are with me wherever I go, and as history gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day, my love for them only grows. Because the truth is... it was the best of times.

Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now.

How does it happen?

Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good?

Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something, that we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us all, a time in our lives that we will never forget.

I can't swear this is exactly how it happened.

But this is how it felt.

Did you ever?

Did you ever meet someone and have them totally change your life?

That every thought you ever had about life and yourself was changed... the way you look at life and people and even breathe.

It's like all that time you were hiding inside yourself till that person came into your life and suddenly everything was different.

But even though they changed the way you looked and felt about things, they made you perhaps a little more cynical and untrusting of the world.

And somehow it has to be learned that it's possible to trust again.

And not everyone is going to stare you in the face and lie to you. But it's learning that, that's the hard part.

It's not going to happen in a day... a week, or a month, but pretty soon you'll begin to realize that not everyone is going to hurt you.

And that's when you're happy.

Gratitude is power

If you were to ask your neighbor,"What would give you peace of mind?" he might tell you,"A vacation in Bermuda!" or"An extra hundred grand would give me peace!", or"A new Ferrari would make me content!"

But going places and getting stuff is usually a temporary solution...

Let's say you buy a lottery ticket and by some miracle you win your dream Ferrari. Today you are content. Tomorrow you are saying,"If I could just catch that little punk who scratched it in the car park!"

Peace of mind rarely comes from getting more stuff. Getting more stuff usually leads to wanting even more stuff!

Peace of mind starts with being grateful for what you have right now.

GRATITUDE is POWER, and here's why ...

When you are thankful for what you have --- for the friends you have, and for the things you've got, you attract more good people and good things.

People who always complain about what they DON'T HAVE, stay stuck.Complainers attract more things to complain about!

It is a law of life.

It's hard to explain, but you can observe it around you. We get more of what we dwell upon.

That's why all the spiritual masters have taught the same lesson... Start by being thankful. Be happy with what you have now, and more will come your way."

It's a practical advice.

Every time you say a silent "thank you" you become more peaceful and more powerful.

Happy Weekend guys.

Scribble... Scrabble...

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

1 message received... opening...

1 message received...
opening...

"want u 2 knw dat d way i lov u has nvr changd, tym may hav jst blurred it, bt it remains deep in my heart,watevr hapens, il alwys b nluv w/ u..."

I was so scared before by the fact that after he left me, I might not have the will to move on and start life anew. Trying to stand up on my own after six long months of having someone around was the biggest challenge I had to face. If I had a choice then, I would rather have stayed inside my misery; I would rather have lived inside my broken fantasies. But reality nudged me and gave me no choice but to pick up the pieces and muster enough courage to move on. Moving on, like happiness, was really the journey and not the destination. I slowly healed. In my healing, I discovered forgiveness and faith, but never in one second have I lost love for him.

1 message received...
opening...

"its a wondr wen u thnk evrythng around u s suddnly at astil, & u thnk evrythng s ovr, u wnt 2 put evrythng bhindden u hear ur heart, u cnt help bt say i lov u stil.."

Life without him around was a completely different universe. In moving on, I even discovered that life is full of new things. Things that I never really saw coming. I have met other people. I have even came to a point when I thought I was ready to fall in love again. But destiny dictated otherwise. Though I have already accepted in my heart and in my mind that what we had was over, there still was this unseen hand that almost always leads me back to him.

1 message received....
opening...

"i hav alwys lovd u, nvr has it changd a bit...its only dcrcumstances around us dat kept me frm tellng u,& showng u dat i stil do...take gud care always, love u!"

Just when I thought that he had already left me for good, and that what we had would only be a cherished memory that I will just look back to every now and then, I would find out for myself that he still feels the same for me. It literally rocked my world. I silently prayed to God to tell me I am not imagining things. But it was his familiar voice at the other end of the phone, saying "i love you" much like the way he used to. I heard angels singing. But this time, my feet was firmly planted on the ground. Nothing mattered anymore, not the distance between us, nor the doubts that I might still have in my mind, the only thing that mattered is the fact that I still love him. And he still loves me. No conditions, no guarantees. Time has taught me to know when to trust again.

1 message received...
opening...

“you cant control who you fall for. You can’t stop the feelings that you have. The’re just gonna come and go and who knows where it all kind of ends up.
Sometimes it’s for the best and sometimes its not but either way you can’t control it, none of it, sometimes you can control your mind, but your heart. Never.”

Visiting familiar places always gets me closer to him. I feel him in the wind. In the humming tunes in my head. The old familiar places never looked and felt so good, it's as if we were only here yesterday. I sit in the grassy field and see him running around, laughing in his old goofy ways. I walk through the halls and I imagine my hands firmly clasped in his, even smelling his old cologne in the air. Truly, love knows no distance.

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“all my life I thought I needed the perfect setting, the perfect opportunity, and the perfect way to tell someone I love them, but suddenly I realized I don’t need any of that because i know it will be perfect as long as I’m saying it to you.”

Having late-night phone conversations with him are treasured moments, minutes stretched to eternity as I imagine him just sitting next to me, or lying beside me before I go to sleep. I am amazed how simple joys such as hearing his voice and his laughter makes me the happiest person in the world. I thank God for making me discover that happiness is not just being with the one you love. Happiness is having someone you love love you back the same way.

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“you can try your hardest, you can do everything and say anything, but sometimes people just aren’t worth trying over anymore, they aren’t worth worrying about, its important to know when to let go of someone who only brings you down.”

Time has taught me that love knows no boundaries, nor limits. It made me understand how we are capable of loving someone, not "because of" anything, but "just because". Time has also made me realize that no matter what happens in my life, there will only be a "one true love" I would always go back to.

Never save something for a special occasion

A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package: "This, he said, isn't any ordinary package."

He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

"She got this the first time we went to Hong Kong, 2 or 3 years ago. She has never put it on. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it.”

He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died.

He turned to me and said: "Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion".

I still think those words changed my life.

Now, I read more and clean less.

I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.

I spend more time with my family, and less at work.

I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. And whenever I go home to Cavite, I always demand that we use crystal glasses every day.

I also wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.

I don't save my special perfume for special occasions; I use it whenever I want to.

The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary.

If it’s worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now.

I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends. She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food.

It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.

I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would like to meet, letters... that I wanted to write "One of these days".

I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my father, mother, brother, not times enough at least, how much I love them.

Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives...

And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day.

Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

If you got to read this blog post, it’s because someone cares for you and because, probably, there's someone you care about.

Today is a special day... a special occasion.

Go and make the most of it.

Saan ba nakakabili ng spark?

Iyan ang tanong sa akin ni Marco, isang kaibigan. May umaaligid daw kasi sa kanya na matinong lalake, kaya lang, wala siyang maramdamang spark. Kaya nagtatanong siya kung saan nakakabili ng spark.

Hindi ko alam ang sagot. Kung alam ko lang, eh di sana matagal na akong pumila para mamakyaw. Kailangan ko rin ng spark. Maraming-maraming spark.

Ano ba ang spark?

Ito iyong kuryente na nararamdaman mo kapag kasama mo ang isang tao. Iyong nanlalambot ang tuhod mo. Iyong parang nauutal ka at ayaw gumana ng motor skills mo. Iyong kahit na anong gawin at sabihin niya, o kahit wala siyang ginagawa o sinasabi, kinikilig ka na. Kung hindi mo naman siya kasama, nangingiti ka kapag naiisip mo siya.

Ang tawag dun... spark.

Magic.

Kilig.

Kuryente.

At iyon din ang hinahanap ko ngayon.

May isang lalaking may gusto sa akin. Mabait siya. May hitsura. Matino.

Stable. Mature. May napatunayan na sa buhay. Maalalahanin. May konting sense of humor. At alam ko, aalagaan niya ako.

Siya iyong lalaking nanaisin mong makasamang tumanda. Kung pwede nga lamang ang kasal, siya yung lalaking iuuwi mo sa nanay mo at alam mong magiging mabuting asawa.

Pero wala akong maramdamang "kilig." Walang magic.

Lagi kong sinasabi, "He's a 'good on paper' guy, pero walang spark. Kahit kiskisan ko man ng bato... wala talaga!"

Sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, hindi na daw importante ang spark. Hindi daw ito tiket para sa isang masaya at tumatagal na relasyon. Maraming factors ang dapat i-consider, hindi lang spark...

Aanhin mo ang spark kung lagi naman kayong nag-aaway? Aanhin mo ang spark kung hindi naman kayo nagkakasundo sa mga bagay-bagay? Kung hindi naman siya puwedeng mag-commit? Kung alam mo naman na masama siya para sa iyo?

Noong huling usap namin ni Marco, sabi niya, baka daw bigyan na niya ng chance iyong manliligaw niya, kahit wala siyang maramdamang spark.

Pati tuloy ako, napapaisip na rin... Itutuloy ko ba kahit na walang spark?

Magiging masaya kaya kami, kahit na hindi ako kinikilig sa kanya?

Importante ba talaga ang "magic" sa isang relasyon?

"Baka naman nasa atin lang ang problema," dagdag ni Marco.

Mali nga ba ako kung maghanap man ako ng spark sa isang relasyon? Pang teenager na nga lang ba iyong "nanlalambot ang tuhod" chuva at kapag nasa 20s ka na ay nakakasuka na ang humangad ng kilig?

Siguro nga masyado na akong matanda para maghanap ng lalaking magbibigay sa akin ng "kilig" dahil hindi naman kami mabubusog doon at hindi rin puwedeng pambayad ng bill namin sa condo ang spark.

But I am also old enough to know what I want in a guy... and having that "kilig" feeling is one of them. At para sa akin, ang pakikipag-relasyon sa isang taong walang spark, ay maitutumbas na rin sa pagse-settle.

At ayokong mag-settle.

Pero di ako nawawalan ng pag-asa. Malay mo ngayon, walang spark. Pero eventually, sa tamang panahon, baka magka-spark na.

Kung paano, hindi ko alam...

Meron kayang binebentang spark sa pinakamalapit na Mercury Drug o Mini-Stop?

Saan nga ba nakakabili ng spark?

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE YOUR FATHER

You do not have to be your father unless he is who you want to be.

You do not have to be your father’s father, or your father’s father’s father, or even your grandfather’s father on your father side.

You may inherit their chins or their shoulders or their eyes, but you are not destined to become the men who came before you.

You are not destined to live their lives.

So, if you inherit something, inherit their strength. If you inherit something, inherit their resilience.

Because the only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.

The Spleen Monologues

Here's something to start my week with. It's an excerpt from Jessica Zafra's Spleen Monologues. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I have.

I am often asked: What is your problem?

Let me ask you the same question: What is your problem?

When you look in the mirror you will feel a deep, unquenchable discontent because no matter what products or services you buy, you will never, ever look the way the TV commercials and magazines say you should. The cosmetics, fashion. health and fitness industries are sustained by your eternal dissatisfaction and the pernicious self-loathing that is called "self-improvement."

You work for a person you do not respect, whose main qualification is that he is related or somehow connected to the powers that be in your professional universe. You take orders from someone of lesser ability, who criticizes your work because he knows that you know he doesn't deserve his position, and dammit, just because he can. The promotion that should've gone to you goes to someone whose ability to suck up to the boss would shame the most powerful vacuum cleaner. You stay in a job you hate, among the people you can't stand, because you have bills to pay and a lifestyle you have to maintain whether or not you actually like it.

You receive advice you don't want from people who say that they care about you and have your best interests at heart, but are actually using you to delude themselves that their lives are wonderful. (They need you more than you need them, ever think of that? Without poor little you to give advice to, who would they be superior to?)

You are considered a loser because you refuse to compromise your standards and settle for whoever is willing and available. You are called immature by people who jumped on the first warm body that happened along because they were afraid to be alone.

You are judged not on your merits but on externals. Your clothes. Your car. Your looks. Your possessions. Your address. Your friends, the people you claim to be your friends, the people you think are your friends. The club you belong to. You are defined by the furnishings in your house, the model of your car, the version of your software, the size of your cellphone, the labels of your clothes, the restaurants you dine in, the television sitcoms you watch, the new spiritual philosophies you subscribe to. "This is you," the salesperson say with a cloying smile, holding up a product worth exactly one-fiftieth its price, and somewhere in the back of your mind you know that this is not you, but you take out your credit card and bury yourself deeper in debt because you can't afford not to buy what everyone else is buying. Better to be in the hock than to be different. There is safety in numbers.

You are under pressure to follow trends which, in the minute they become trends, are on their way to obsolescence. You are required to eat food that is supposed to make you live longer, but which is so tasteless you wonder why people would want to live longer. You get rid of being called Fatty, so you follow diets and exercise regimens to lose weight, when it is a fact of life that you will gain all the weight back and more.

You see stupidity, self-delusion and arrogance everywhere you turn.

When people say "Be yourself," they mean you should be more like them. When they say "It's ok to be different" they neglect to add, "But not too different".

And when you vent your anger, people shrug their shoulders and say, "That is the way things are, there's nothing you can do about it".

Between you and me, I'm the happy one.

You don't know what you're missing...

Sometimes you don't know what you're missing until you reach out to touch it. Sometimes you can't see how beautiful something is until it steps back into the light. And sometimes you miss a love you almost didn't lose...

But when you need beauty, dreams and love the most you find them taken away from you.

And when someone is drifting away from you, you feel it screaming inside your chest. Your heart feels numb and ignorant because the truest of love isn’t easy. It’s the worst thing in the world.

True love breaks you, but you become real.

When you are real and in love you will never be unhappy. You are only unhappy when you deny the truth held in love.

The Gratitude Journal

We all have so much to be grateful for. Even if we are not consciously aware of it, God is blessing us every moment of our lives.

As you look around, be grateful for everything in your life. Begin to see and acknowledge the Presence of God in your life and in all of your affairs. The Presence of God is in your home, finances, relationships, and your health. Begin to look at life with your Spiritual Eyes and see the goodness in all things.

Whatever you desire to experience, remember that the most powerful form of prayer is Praise. So pray with high energy, excitement, and enthusiasm! Ask for your desires from a place of your inner knowing and give thanks knowing that it is already done! Continue to give thanks with an open heart and an open mind. When you give thanks, you create a channel to receive your blessings.

So get ready! Look around you right now, wherever you are.

Find 5 things to be grateful for.

What are they? Why are you grateful for them? How does it feel to take a moment to appreciate the blessings in your life?

Now that you've got the Attitude of Gratitude, keep the momentum going. Maintain a Gratitude Journal. Each night before you go to bed, list 5 things you are grateful for, and give God the Praise!

Be grateful for your family, friends, and all the things that make your life special! Spend time outdoors and give thanks for the beauty of Mother Nature. See how creative you can be in finding things to be grateful for. Oh, and don't forget the simple things.

Example:

I am grateful for waking up this morning!

I am grateful for the water I used to wash my face this morning!

I am grateful for having a place to lay my head!

I am grateful to make new choices in my life!

I am grateful for 2nd chances!

And I say Thank You God!!!

The grateful heart attracts great things! Even give thanks for challenges or adverse situations that you might be facing. As someone once shared with me, whatever it is, "Bless it and call it good!"

Power is the ability to do.

You have the ability to create through your actions, words, thoughts and deeds. What is it that you are choosing to create?

As we celebrate the coming of spring and the Resurrection of Christ, let us give thanks for the opportunity to blossom and be reborn in our own lives. Trust in the Power of God. Trust in your Power to speak things into existence. Trust in the Power of Praise!

"Let everything that has breath Praise the Lord"Psalm 150:6

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage

Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite.

It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa guy (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."

Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. Tapos sa huli ikaw pa rin ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other guys, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing people other than you?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya? almost, but not quite.

If a dog was the teacher...

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..! run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

That sinister voice...

And I went to the phone and asked hello and your voice replied hello.

Your voice... a voice I haven't heard in five months.

I hate that voice.

That evil voice that steals my breath and stops my heart. That sinister voice that brings back the memories and the pain. I heard your voice... and I wanted to die.

I wanted to scream. To hang the phone up and disconnect it so I wouldn't hear your voice coming through the line.

I wanted to rip the phone off the wall...

To throw it away...

Throw the phone and your voice away... Forever.

Now, I hear your voice everywhere I go. I can't escape that voice. That voice that will torture me forever. Your voice will never let me rest. Never let me go. I can never escape your voice.

And what I wouldn't give...

What I wouldn't give to never have to hear your voice anymore. To never have to fear that every time the phone rings it will be you on the other end of the line. What I wouldn't give to never have to fear you anymore.

I would do whatever it takes to escape your voice...

To escape you...

And your voice said good-bye, and as I hung the phone up I wished.

I wished it really would be...

Good-bye...

Let the young ones sleep

You are older, it seems, than some people... and so they call you OLD.

Old.

Old.

Old.

You have wrinkles you do not cover and your hair is gray and you have lived for something like seventy-four years on this earth without much complaint.... there is nothing much to complain about.

But some people look at you and think you should stop now... rest now... grow old now, gracefully...

But you have lived gracefully enough you don't have time to grow old.You have a canoe...

And that canoe has a river...

And that river does not end...

And you watch the river flow and watch it flow... and watch your hands turn eighty years old in the middle of a river bend.

You hike thirteen miles at the end of the day and this is how you rest, that is how you rest.

So let the young ones sleep.

Let the whole world sleep.... you will sleep when you have to.

You are crossing the water... crossing the water...

And there is so much water left to be crossed...

Bitter and Jaded no more

After any breakup, you do what the average person does...

You sit and question.

You second guess every action.

You think about 'what-if'.

You debate on those words that seem so perfect, and then try to find a way to get them out.

Everyone tries to give you advice, and you love them for it. But, advice really can't be taken until you've reached a realization that what you had for as long as you had it for... is over.

And once you do realize it, the advice doesn't even matter because you fight with yourself... over the fact that there really is no one meant for you. That, it’s just isn't worth trying anymore. That being bitter and jaded may be the best way to live.

But, perhaps the best thing to do is understand.

Well, at least try to understand.

I found myself many times before being bitter and jaded after being broken up with. And, I can sense the feeling that perhaps my ex boyfriends also had those feelings towards me when I decided to call things off.

But, this year has taught me that as good as it is for your heart and mind to try and hold onto to something that is broke, it's not good for your soul.

Alas, it's also not good to just let go, as well.

So, you find yourself battling... trying to see what's the best road to take.

But, perhaps it's the road of understanding that's the best path to take.

Understanding that your heart will mend.

Understanding that they didn't mean to break your heart.

Understanding that tomorrow will come, and with it a reason to smile... a reason to live.

It's hard... you know, to understand. You become full of hatred that it's hard to try to understand someone else's thoughts when it's your own you're trying to deal with. But, in the end it's understanding that makes life worth living.

In understanding, you find a way to fight being bitter... fight being jaded, and most of all... fight all reason that leads you to believe it won't get better.

Because, it will get better.

It has before, and it will again.

Pantasya ng pag-ibig ng isang istupidong ako

Sa buong buhay mo, inakala mo na bang umibig ka? O kaya naramdaman mo ang malaking kabulastugan na tinatawag na "pag-ibig". Masakit di ba? Masalimuot, mahapdi, mabigat...

Ang pag-ibig, isa itong malaking kasinungalingan. Nang ikwento mo sa akin ang love life ng mga kaibigan mo, sinabi ko nga sa iyo na "big joke yun". Kagaya ko, joke ang nagyari sa akin. Madali kang matatamaan ng pana ni Cupido, di lang ng basta pana ang tatama sa iyo, kundi pana na may lason. Pag-ibig na lason sa mundo mo. Nabuksan ang puso ko, nakita ang niloloob ko kaya't madali mo akong ginago. Di lang ginago, pati baligtarin ang mundo ko.

Ilang taon na ring nakatayo ang mga depensa ko laban sa kagaguhang tinawag na pag-ibig. Ani ko sa sarili ko, di ako magpapalamon dito. Di ko pababayaan na bigyan ako ng sugat sa mga kalokohang pag-ibig. Ang pag-ibig, ito ang alamat ng ating henerasyon. Ang alamat na kung saan binibigyan ng pinagmulan ang mga kalokohan ng sangkatauhan.

Agosto noon. Sa isang napakaordinaryong araw, nakita kita. Sa isang istupidong araw, may isang istupidong tao, na walang pinagkaiba sa mga istupidong tao sa paligid ko, ang umupo sa harap ng pinakastupidong tao sa istupidong mundong ito. Siguro nakita na kita bago noon pero noon lang kita napansin. Ang ganda nga ng ngiti mo noon.

Sa unang tingin cute ka. Hindi gwapo, kundi cute. Mataas kasi ang batayan ko ng kagwapuhan. May ideya ka siguro kung gaano kataas, isa ito sa una mong tinanong sa akin, kung sino ang gwapo para sa akin. Para sa akin, isa lang ang gwapo sa buong mundo, isa lang. Kaso di ko nasabi sa iyo, na pangalawa ka sa listahan ko sa mga pinakagwapong lalake sa mundo. Na ikaw na ang pinakamalapit na lalake, kasama ang mga nasa telebisyon at pelikula at supermodel, sa depinisyon ko ng gwapo. Sa Ingles, "you may not be the epitome of beauty itself but you're beautiful nonetheless".

Kaso, malala pa sa tibay ng bato at tigas sa blokeng semento ang depensa ko noon laban sa ideya na ibigin ka. Bakit pa? Isa ka nga sa mga pinakamagandang lalake sa mundo na madalas kong nakikita kung saan saan pero ewan ko kung bakit. Siguro mahiyain ako. Siguro di ko gusto yung mga nasa paligid mo noon. Siguro di lang kita napapansin. Ilang buwan ka ring extra sa pelikula ng buhay ko.

Tapos sa isang napakaordinaryong araw, may malaking kabobohan kang ginawa. Kinausap mo ako. Ibang klase kang kausap, iyon ang kwento ko sa kaibigan ko noon. Ayun na, nawili na akong kausapin ka mula noon. Nagkakilala tayo tapos naging magkaibigan tayo. O baka sa isip ko lang na magkaibigan tayo. Hanggang ngayon pa naman, kung tanungin ako, kaibigan kita. Pero ewan ko kung kaibigan mo pa rin ako.

Tapos naging close tayo. Unang date natin umupo ka sa tabi ko. Di ako nagpahalatang may gusto na ako syo noon. Ibang klase naman kse ang ngiti mo. Kung pwedeng mabuhay ang tao sa ngiti siguro ay doon na ako maninirahan sa mga ngiti mo. Kumain tayo, tapos nag kape sa Starbucks. Nanood tayo ng sine at naglaro sa grocery store na parang mga batang walang pakialam sa mundo.

Doon mo napasok ang katakot-takot na depensa ko. At tanga naman ako, hinayaan kong pasukin mo ang mundo ko. Mula noong unang date natin, hindi na sa akin ang buhay ko. Ibinilang kita sa mundo ko. Binigyan kita ng parte ng buhay ko maski wala ka namang hiningi, ni katiting.

Unti-unti, ikaw ang naging sentro ng buhay ko. Naniwala ako noon sa pag-ibig. Naniwala ako na mahal kita kahit di mo masusuklian ang pagmamahal ko.

Ano pa ba?

Paggising, ikaw. Pagtulog, ikaw. Sa panaginip, ikaw. Ang kasama, ikaw at di na yung barkada ko. Ang palaging kasama, ikaw at mga kaibigan mo. Kapag kasama ko ang barkada, ikaw ang bukambibig ko. Sa mga email sa kaibigan, ikaw. Ang kwento sa kaibigan, ikaw. Ang unang pumapasok sa isip ko, ikaw. Ang dahilan ko para pumasok sa trabaho, ikaw. Ang katext, ikaw. Ang kausap, ikaw.

Dumating sa punto na hindi na ikaw ang sentro ng buhay ko, kundi ikaw ang buhay ko. Ikaw, ikaw, ikaw, ikaw, ikaw... Nawala ako sa malaking ikaw!
Dumating ang panahon ng pasukan mo sa eskwela. Nagsimula doon ang pag-unti ng dalas ng pagkikita natin. Bumihira ang pag-uusap natin. May pinasok kang mga pagkakaabalahan at ako rin. Yung mga dating ginagawa na kasama ka, mag-isa ko nang ginawa. Ewan ko kung tama yung naramdaman ko pero iniwasan mo rin ako. Sa madaling salita, nawala ka sa buhay ko.

Nalulong ako sa kasinungalingan na umiibig ako sa iyo. Napasok ang buhay ko ng kasinungalingan kaya't nilamon ako ng pag-ibig at ako'y natigilan sa kadiliman ng mga kagaguhan ng pag-ibig. Weirdo nga, dahil habang pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong aminin kung gaano kita kamahal ay ganun naman ang pagpapadama mo sa akin na mahal na mahal mo ako, na ako lang sa buhay mo, na wala ng iba, na tayo hanggang sa huli.

Pero ano tayo ngayon. Nasaan ka? Nawala ka din naman. Anlaki ng butas na pupunuin sa pagkawala mo. At tuwing magkakasalubong tayo at umaarte kang di mo ako nakikita, parang may bubog na unti-unti bumabaon sa puso ko.

Masakit. Hindi lang masakit lang sa puso't isipan. Hindi lang basta masakit. Ito yung sakit na pinupunit ang kaluluwa mo, na parang niluluto ang lamang loob mo, na nasusunog ang katawan mo, na dinadaanan ka ng pison, na ginagarote ang utak mo, na nginangata ang sikmura mo ng daga, na hinihiwa ng lagari ang katawan ko, na parang unti-unti kang binabalatan ng icepick.

Ganoon kasakit.

Bakit? Kaya ko lang manghula. Dahil siguro akala ko mahal kita. Siguro dahil nawala ng buo ang buhay ko sa akin. Siguro dahil kagaguhan ang umibig. Siguro dahil nagpaloko ako sa mga kasinungalingan ng buhay ko. Hindi ako sigurado sa mga dahilan pero sigurado ako sa epekto, masakit.

Nakita kita noong isang araw. Nakasuot ka ng pula at nakangiti. "Kamusta na?", ito ang bigkas ng labi ko sa pagsalubong natin. "Mabuti" sabay ngiti, ngiting peke.

Sana nga nasa mabuti kang kalagayan habang ako ay nananakit at pilit na pinupuno ang puwang na naiwan mo sa malaking kalokohan na pinamagatang "Buhay Ko".

Dapat walang bagay na makakagawa niyan. Na kayang kang saktan na kagaya ko. Lalo na ikaw. At maski ang pantasya ng pag-ibig.

Oo, isang pantasya ang pag-ibig.

God's Answers

In restless dreams

I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone,

neath the halo of a street lamp,

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of

A neon light

That split the night

And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more.

People talking without speaking,

People hearing without listening,

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one deared

Disturb the sound of silence.

Simon And Garfunkel

It's impossible = All things are possible (Luke, 18;27)

I'm too tired = I will give you rest (Matt, 11:28-30)

Nobody really loves me = I love you (John, 3:16)

I can't go on = My grace is sufficient (II Cor, 12:19)

I can't figure things out = I will direct your steps (Prov, 20:24)

I can't do it = You can do all things (Phil, 4:13)

I'm not able = I am able (II Cor, 9:8)

It's not worth it = It will be worth it (Rom, 8:1)

I can't forgive myself = I forgive you (IJn, 1:9 & Rom, 8:1)

I can't manage = I will supply all your needs (Phil, 4:19)

I'm afraid = I have not given you a spirit of fear (IITim, 1:7)

I'm always worried and frustrated = Cast all your cares on Me (IPet, 5:7)

I don't have enough faith = I've given everyone a measure of faith (Rom, 12:8)

I'm not smart enough = I give you wisdom (ICor, 1:30)

I feel all alone = I will never leave you or forsake you (Heb, 13:5)

Three heads and a better half

Despite the fact that there are over four hundred fourty four thousand people on the city of Makati, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone.

Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle... or on an answering machine.... or post a blog on this site...

But you have to figure ... if the world's fattest twins can find love, there's hope for all of us.

Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us, understand us, and kiss our three heads and make it all better.

Fairytales and a tale without a fairy

Would you believe in Fairytales,

If there was no damsel in distress?

Would you try to climb a bean stalk,

If the sky were any less?

Would you believe in ever-afters,

If there was no happily?

Would everything be perfect,

If we lived in fantasy?

Would time ever stop turning,

If we asked it to?

Would you stay with me forever then?

Or I with you?

If i gave to you a lock of hair,

Would you the courage to climb it?

If i promised you my heart,

Would you the valor to cherish it?

If I sang to you the siren song,

Would you the courage to listen?

If i waltzed around our reverance,

would you the valor to start dancing?

If i was to ride away with you,

would you ever change?

If i told you that i loved you,would you feel the same?

Do you believe in Fairytales?

Do you believe in mindless love?

Do you believe in reality?

Do you believe I love you just because?

Would you wish your life away

on some star crossed wishing well?

Would you forget the hopeful love,

and take on pain or hell?

I believe in a Fairytale

where you are my prince charming.

I believe in a reality

where broken hearts are not alarming.

Would you believe in ever-afters

If there was no happily?

I believe that everything is possible,

If you were my fantasy.

Most people have a fantasy about relationships. It goes something like this:

One day they will meet their ideal partner. This person will understand them completely and will easily connect with them. There will be no arguments. Everything will be perfect. Magic will happen and will continue forever.

The reality of relationships is quite different. An intimate relationship is one of the most powerful opportunities for personal growth. And growth -- even for the most transformed person -- often brings pain. But it also brings incredible joy. Relationships are akin to life - sometimes sublime and sometimes challenging. As with life, the amount of satisfaction you derive depends on how much you are willing to move outside of your comfort zone.

Love, by definition, requires that we make ourselves vulnerable. Loving someone who loves us in return is the only thing I consider beautiful in this strange world of ours. But as it is said, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." True, we should choose our adventures with caution, but risk will always be a factor. Sometimes we get hurt or deceived, but if in the end we find someone who is of a same giving heart and takes joy in loving us as we do them... then the preservation of a kind heart will be its own reward.

Relationships are not the way they are portrayed in fairy tales. The beauty of relationships is that they are an opportunity for each partner to transform. Growth will be painful at times because it will require each partner to go beyond what they know about relationships.

If you are unwilling to look within yourself and move outside your comfort zone, then stay single and date casually. If you are willing to grow, you will reap the benefits of a dynamic, loving partnership.

Only remind you of “you”

Always remind yourself that love is a wonderful feeling and experience and should not be generalized based on your past experiences. Do not use facts about your ex as a way to judge new people in your life.

Leave your past behind you and focus on moving ahead. Get to know new people for who they are, not by comparing them to others, what they are not, or what they could be.

Once you have observed their personality, values and everything else, trust yourself to make the right decisions without constantly doubting yourself.

If you wish to try having a new relationship, then do so. If you do not however, then do not feel guilty to kindly walk away from the situation. You would be doing both you and the other a person a huge favor and saving time and emotions from being hurt. You have nothing to fear or worry about.

After all, there will always be one person who will always love you, appreciate who you are and be there for you… and that is YOU.

The Greatest Lies in the World

The check's in the mail.

I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

I thought I already gave you that money I owed you.

I promise I'll pay you back next Friday.

I've never been this drunk before.

I'll never get this drunk again.

I've checked this Email out, and it's really not a hoax.

Now we're even.

I'm fine.

We found and fixed the last bug!

The software will ship on schedule.

It was as simple as that.

It's all your fault!

I love you.

You don't need to use a condom; I'm on the Pill.

I don't need to use a condom; I've had a vasectomy and tested negative for STDs.

A representative of the government says...

We'll have the repairs on your car done by noon.

Operator, my calling card number is...

You look like you haven't aged a day.

No, I don't think that outfit makes you look fat.

This is what it will cost to repair your car.

If elected, I promise...

You're going to love working here.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Nine out of ten people surveyed said...

Please hold, and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.

I'll only take a minute of your time.

Our cellular phones will give you more freedom...

100% compatible with your existing equipment.

!!Make Money Fast!!

Lose all the weight you want!

I'm being totally unbiased.

I promise I'll pull out in time.

With all due respect...

For your convenience...

In order to serve you better...

I'm planning to get a divorce so I can marry you.

I'll call you.

I never meant to mislead you.

My wife (husband) is okay with me seeing other people; s/he just doesn't want to know about it.

I'm not leaving you for him/her; I just need some space to think things through.

This will only hurt a little.

This will hurt me more than it does you.

I'm doing this for your own good.

It's only for a little while...

I didn't mean any harm.

Oh well, no harm done...

It was an accident.

I didn't do it.

I don't know who did it.

We are experiencing a peak level of call volume...

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No obligation!

You may already be a winner!

This product was made in an environmentally friendly manner.

I know it's none of my business...

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but...

This should be easy.

To speak to a representative, press "9".

It's nothing personal.

This isn't partisan politics; it's for the good of the country.

I'm not addicted; I can quit smoking any time I want.

New and Improved!

Trust me.

That was special.

*Out of all the lies he told me, "I love you" was my favorite and "I miss you" was a close second.