A Love Letter to my Friends

I am your friend and my love for you goes deep. There is nothing I can give you which you have not got, but there is much, very much, that, while I cannot give it, you can take.

No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in today. Take heaven!

No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present little instant. Take peace!

The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within our reach is joy. There is radiance and glory in the darkness could we but see - and to see we have only to look. I beseech you to look!

Life is so generous a giver, but we, judging its gifts by the covering, cast them away as ugly, or heavy or hard. Remove the covering and you will find beneath it a living splendor, woven of love, by wisdom, with power.

Welcome it, grasp it, touch the angel's hand that brings it to you. Everything we call a trial, a sorrow, or a duty, believe me, that angel's hand is there, the gift is there, and the wonder of an overshadowing presence. Our joys, too, be not content with them as joys. They, too, conceal diviner gifts.

Life is so full of meaning and purpose, so full of beauty --- beneath its covering --- that you will find earth but cloaks your heaven.

Courage, then, to claim it, that is all. But courage you have, and the knowledge that we are all pilgrims together, wending through unknown country, home.

And so, at this time, I greet you. Not quite as the world sends greetings, but with profound esteem and with the prayer that for you now and forever, the day breaks, and the shadows flee away.

One day at a time

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday with all its mistakes and cares,its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday.

We cannot undo a single act we performed;we cannot erase a single word we said.

Yesterday is gone forever.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with all its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and its poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet to be born.

This leaves only one day, Today.

Any person can fight the battle of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.

It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad, it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore, Live but one day at a time.

Set Yourself Free

Like a confused lost seagull out at sea
I wander through the streets
Like huge mazes of what makes up my life

Just as I think I have found my way
I am faced with yet another turn
Sometimes a dead end and I have to retrace my steps

It is the time to clean my thoughts of what I think is real
Look at life from a high and carried by the wind
Allowing me the freedom to fly

Set yourself free from anything that might hinder you in becoming the person you want to be. Free yourself from the uncertainties about your abilities or the worth of your dreams, from the fears that you may not be able to achieve them or that they won't be what you wanted.

Set yourself free from the past. The good things from yesterday are still yours in memory; the things you want to forget you will, for tomorrow is only a sunrise away. Free yourself from regret or guilt, and promise to live this day as fully as you can.

Set yourself free from the expectations of others, and never feel guilty or embarrassed if you do not live up to their standards. You are most important to yourself; live by what you feel is best and right for you. Others will come to respect your integrity and honesty.

Set yourself free to simply be yourself, and you will soar higher than you've ever dreamed.

Living with a Phantom Limb

They say that when people first lose a limb, they can still feel it. It still hurts, they still try to use it. They call it having a "Phantom Limb”.

I think that this is what losing a person is like. It’s like having a phantom limb.

You beckon them over to "come see this!", you come home at the end of the day to tell them about how much you hate going to work, you pick up the phone to call them when you're happy, sad, mad, or somewhere in between. Until you realize that they're not there.

And each time you realize it, it hurts just as bad as it did the first time, all over again.

Only an arm, I could lose. It's the people I care about the most that I can't live without.

When someone you love disappears, it's like the light goes dim, and you're in the shadows. You try to do what people tell you: put one foot in front of the other; keep looking up; give yourself over to the seconds and minutes and hours...

But always there's that glimmer of light --- that way of living you once knew --- sort of faded and smoky like the crescent moon on a winter's night when the air is full of ice and clouds, but still there, hanging just over your head.

Leaving? Well, that was easy.

It was everything else that was so damn hard.

Stumbling a little on my way out

You don't let people in. It's hard for you, and once you do, you don't want to let them go, and when they screw up, you're like, “Why did you do that to me? I gave you my feelings. I did everything for you; and you screwed me over.”

It felt complicated in the way that all breakups feel complicated when you're embroiled in them. While in cruel actuality, most are really quite simple. And it goes something like this: one person falls out of love --- or simply realizes that he was never really in love in the first place, wishing he could take back those words, that promise from the heart.

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And then there’s pain.

But you gradually get over the pain. Well, it doesn't go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he's not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the line you realize you've made it through half the day without thinking of him.

Sometimes it takes months, sometimes, years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally. You manage to do this because you don't see them, you don't hear about them, you try not to think about them. And then you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name... and the memories come flooding back.

But even memories also become less painful in time. I can talk about my previous relationships now without really feeling anything.

But I'd rather now.

If you know what I mean.

Conversations with God

Excerpt from the book:

Right and Wrong are Relative Terms

There’s nothing “wrong” with anything. “Wrong” is a relative term, indicating the opposite of that which you call “right.”

Yet, what is “right”? Can you be truly objective in these matters? Or are “right” and “wrong” simply descriptions overlaid on events and circumstances by you, out of your decision about them?

And what, pray tell, forms the basis of your decision? Your own experience? No. In most cases, you’ve chosen to accept someone else’s decision. Someone who came before you and, presumably, knows better. Very few of your daily decisions about what is “right” and “wrong” are being made by you, based on your understanding.

This is especially true on important matters. In fact, the more important the matter, the less you are likely to listen to your own experience, and the more ready you seem to be to make someone else’s ideas your own.

This explains why you've given up virtually total control over certain areas of your life, and certain questions that arise within the human experience.

These areas and questions very often include the subjects most vital for your soul: the nature of God; the nature of true morality; the question of ultimate reality; the issues of life and death surrounding war, medicine, abortion euthanasia, the whole sum and substance of personal values, structures, judgments. These most of you have abrogated, assigned to others. You don't want to make your own decisions about them.

“Someone else decide! I’ll go along, I’ll go along!” you shout. “Someone else just tell me what’s right and wrong!”

This is why, by the way, human religions are so popular. It almost doesn’t matter what the belief system is, as long as it’s firm, consistent, clear in its expectation of the follower, and rigid. Given those characteristics, you can find people who will believe in almost anything. The strangest behavior and belief can be—has been—attributed to God. It’s God’s way, they say. God’s word.

And there are those who will accept that. Gladly. Because, you see, it eliminates the need to think.

Thinking is hard. Making value judgments is difficult. It places you at pure creation, because there are so many times you’ll have to say, “I don’t know. I just don’t know.” Yet still you have to decide. And so you’ll have to choose. You’ll have to make an arbitrary choice.

Such a choice—a decision coming from no previous personal knowledge—is called pure creation. And the individual is aware, deeply aware, that in the making of such decisions is the Self created.

Most of you are not interested in such important work. Most of you would rather leave that to others. And so most of you are not self-created, but creatures of habit—other-created creatures.

Then when others have told you how you should feel, and it runs directly counter to how you do feel—you experience a deep inner conflict. Something deep inside you tells you that what others have told you is not Who You Are. Now where to go with that? What to do?

The first place you go to is your religionists—the people who put you there in the first place. You go to your priests and your rabbis and your ministers and your teachers, and they tell you to stop listening to your Self. The worst of them will try to scare you away from it; scare you away from what you intuitively know.

They’ll tell you about the devil, about Satan, about demons and evils spirits and hell and damnation and every frightening thing they can think of to get you to see how what you were intuitively knowing and feeling was wrong, and how they only place you’ll find any comfort is in their thought, their idea, their theology, their definitions of right and wrong, and their concept of Who You Are.

The seduction here is that all you have to do to get instant approval is to agree. Agree and you have instant approval. Some will even sing and shout and dance and wave their arms in hallelujah! That’s hard to resist. Such approval, such rejoicing that you have seen the light; that you’ve been saved!

Approvals and demonstrations seldom accompany inner decisions. Celebrations rarely surround choices to follow personal truth. In fact, quite the contrary. Not only may others fail to celebrate, they may actually subject you to ridicule. What? You’re thinking for yourself? You’re deciding on your own? You’re applying your own yardsticks, your own judgments, your own values? Who do you think you are, anyway? And indeed, that is precisely the question you are answering.

My take on it:

This book is perfect for those who are open minded and don't come to books (and life in general) with the attitude that you already have all the answers. Most people who swear by the bible haven't even read that much of it. Why? because society has ingrained and brainwashed and created their belief systems and then anything that contradicts their paradigm of the way the world is must be wrong and blasphemy.

This book is highly logical, very fair, many of the ideas are sound, interesting and make sense if thought about carefully. Many of the words don't just resonate as being true in the logical mind but in my soul. It covers deep topics with simple words that explain quite effectively the concepts. A combination most readers want. It emphasizes love over judgment and punishment which I believe God should be about.

If I were God would I set up a system by which it would be possible for my beloved children and created beings to suffer eternally? Would I not give them free will and in addition when they make mistakes always be forgiving and loving? Would I not make all my creations perfect? A perfect being cannot do imperfect things otherwise it would not be perfect. These concepts are covered in this book. I am not saying to accept everything Neale says as literal truth (nor does Neale actually), all I am saying is to think about the teachings and concepts in the book and even put them in to practice to see whether they work or not. Whether this book comes from God or not it is profound and interesting if you are a deep thinker and open-minded.

In the spiritual realm, according to this book and many other teachings, time does not exist. Everything is literally happening at once. Life, such as this one wherein we experience the passage of time, is simply the way we experience eternity in little bite sized chunks to examine and experience in minute detail. When we die, we simply return to the realm where time does not exist, and we can start over again if we choose. Upon reading this explanation I seem to have lost my fear of death, for it was so completely convincing when added to my current level of spiritual knowledge.

This book is a MUST read. It is literally the experience of a lifetime. I can't even put into words how much this book changed my life. It will answer any questions you've ever had regarding, God, love, life, death, afterlife, work, money, politics, etc. I have bought several copies and given them out to everyone I know. I guarantee that anyone who reads this will be touched.

In this book, I have found the answers that my soul longed for, leading to a complete and absolute epiphany. Walsch wrote the words I have always thought, but never dared to mutter, not even to my most trusted friends.

At first I found his context, an actual conversation with God, to be unsettling. After recovering from this shock, I found this work to be the best book I have ever read, and re-read.

Excess:

I warn you, unless you are genuinely looking for answers, unless you are prepared to view your existence in an unfamiliar manner and unless you want to be liberated from the plague of this planet disguised as the dogma of organized religion, don't buy this book!

Unnecessary knowledge you don’t really need to know

1. the average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

2. It would take 1.2 million mosquitoes biting you simultaneously to drain all your blood.

3. There is One AK-47 for every Nine people on Earth.

4. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.

5. Americans, on average, spend 18% of his or her income on transportation as compared to only 13% spent on food.

6. There is 293 different ways to give back change on a dollar.

7. Squirrels cannot contract rabies.

8. 1 out of 350,000 Americans get electrocuted in their life.

9. Close to 73% of girls in Bangladesh are married by age 18.

10. 50% of female polar bears also have a penis.

11. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

12. There are more pigs than humans in Denmark.

13. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

14. The brain continues sending electrical wave signals for 37 hours after death.

15. The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

Miss Universe Winners from 1952 to 2007

MISS UNIVERSE TITLE HOLDERS:

1952 Armi Kuusela (Finland)

1953 Christiane Martel (France)

1954 Miriam Stevenson (USA)

1955 Hellevi Rombin (Sweden)

1956 Carol Morris (USA)

1957 Gladys Zender (Peru)

1958 Luz Marina Zuluaga (Colombia)

1959 Akiko Kojima (Japan)

1960 Linda Bement (USA)

1961 Marlene Schmidt (Germany)

1962 Norma Nolan (Argentina)

1963 Idea Maria Vargas (Brazil)

1964 Corinna Tsopei (Greece)

1965 Apasra Hongsakula (Thailand)

1966 Margareta Arvidsson (Sweden)

1967 Sylvia Hitchcock (USA)

1968 Martha Vasconcellos (Brazil)

1969 Gloria Diaz (Philippines)

1970 Marisol Malaret (Puerto Rico)

1971 Georgia Risk (Lebanon)

1972 Kerry Anne Wells (Australia)

1973 Margarita Moran (Philippines)

1974 Amparo Munoz (Spain)

1975 Anne Marie Puhtamo (Finland)

1976 Rina Messinger (Israel)

1977 Janelle Commissiong (Trinidad/Tobago)

1978 Margaret Gardiner (South Africa)

1979 Maritza Sayalero (Venezuela)

1980 Shawn Weatherly (USA)

1981 Irene Saez (Venezuela)

1982 Karen Baldwin (Canada)

1983 Lorraine Downes (New Zealand)

1984 Yvonne Ryding (Sweden)

1985 Deborah Carthy-Deu (Puerto Rico)

1986 Barbara Palacios Teyde (Venezuela)

1987 Cecilia Bolocco (Chile)

1988 Porntip Nakhirunkanok (Thailand)

1989 Angela Visser (Holland)

1990 Mona Grudt (Norway)

1991 Lupita Jones (Mexico)

1992 Michelle McLean (Namibia)

1993 Dayanara Torres (Puerto Rico)

1994 Sushmita Sen (India)

1995 Chelsi Smith (USA)

1996 Alicia Machado (Venezuela)

1997 Brook Lee (USA)

1998 Wendy Fitzwilliam (Trinidad-Tobago)

1999 Mbule Kwelagobe (Botswana)

2000 Lara Dutta (India)

2001 Denise Quinones (Puerto Rico)

2002 Oksana Fyodorova (Russia)

*2002 Justine Pasek (Panama)

2003 Amelia Vega Polanco (Dominican Republic)

2004 Jennifer Hawkins (Australia)

2005 Natalie Glebova (Canada)

2006 Zuleyka Rivera (Puerto Rico)

2007 Riyo Mori (Japan)

*dethroned

Top 10 Countries with most number of wins and runner-ups

1. USA - Wins: 7; 1stRU: 8; 2ndRU: 6

2. Puerto Rico - Wins: 5; 1stRU: 1; 2ndRU: 2

3. Venezuela - Wins: 4; 1stRU: 6; 2ndRU: 5

4. Sweden - Wins: 3; 1stRU: 1; 2ndRU: 2

5. Brazil - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 5; 2ndRU: 0

6. Finland - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 3; 2ndRU: 5

7. Australia - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 2; 2ndRU: 1

8. Japan - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 1; 2ndRU: 1

9. India - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 1; 2ndRU: 1

10. Canada - Wins: 2; 1stRU: 1; 2ndRU: 1

Philippines

The Philippines won the title twice. The first time was in 1969 courtesy of Gloria Diaz and the second time was in 1973 courtesy of Margarita Moran. Mirriam Quiambao almost won the title in 1999 where she ended up 1st runner-up. The late Chat Silayan won 3rd runner-up in 1980. Desiree Verdadero won 3rd runner-up in 1984. Chiqui Brosas won 4th runner-up in 1975.

Special Awards

The Philippines has won the Miss Photogenic award seven times (including a back-to-back and a three-peat), followed by the UK and Puerto Rico, both with five. Puerto Rico won its five awards during a six-year period (1999-2004, did not win in 2000).

Colombia has won the Best National Costume Award six times.

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Guam has won the Miss Congeniality award four times.

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No Miss Congeniality has ever gone on to win Miss Universe. The closest was Miss El Salvador 1955, who was 1st runner-up.

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The only Miss Universe to win 3 other awards on pageant night was Denise Quiñones (Miss Puerto Rico), who in 2001 also won Miss Photogenic, Bluepoint Swimsuit Award, and Clairol Best Style Award.

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Four Miss Universe winners were awarded Miss Photogenic: Margareta Arvidsson (Sweden, 1966), Margarita Moran (Philippines, 1973), Janelle Commissiong (Trinidad/Tobago, 1977) and Denise Quiñones (Puerto Rico, 2001)
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Three titleholders have also won Best National Costume: Porntip Nakhirunkanok (Thailand, 1988), Wendy Fitzwilliams (Trinidad/Tobago, 1998) and Amelia Vega (Dominican Republic, 2003)

3 Filipinos Make it on Forbes Lists of World’s Billionaires

Among the world’s 946 billionaires according to Forbes magazine, 3 Filipinos made it to the list. Jaime Zobel de Ayala and Family (Ayala Malls, Ayala Land) are tied with Henry Sy (SM Supermalls, SM Synergy) at no. 349 with a net worth of $2.6 billion. Lucio Tan (PAL) is at no. 407 with $2.3 billion.

And because of the Philippines’ growing economy, Forbes also listed 37 other Filipinos who make the list of 40 richest in the country.

The complete list of the Philippines’ 40 richest:

1. Jaime Zobel de Ayala and family

2. Henry Sy and family

3. Lucio Tan and family

4. Andrew Tan ($1.1 billion)

5. Manuel Villar ($940 million)

6. George Ty ($870 million)

7. Andrew Gotianun ($860 million)

8. Enrique Razon Jr. ($820 million)

9. Tony Tan Caktiong and family ($790 million)

10. Oscar Lopez and family ($775 million)

11. Vivian Que Azcona and family ($670 million)

12. Inigo and Mercedes Zobel ($660 million)

13. Eduardo Cojuangco Jr. ($540 million)

14. Emilio Yap and family ($445 million)

15. John Gokongwei Jr. and family ($430 million)

16. Enrique Aboitiz and family ($375 million)

17. Alfonso Yuchengco and family ($365 million)

18. Beatrice Campos ($220 million)

19. David Consunji and family ($210 million)

20. Luis Virata ($200 million)

21. Gilberto Duavit Jr. and family ($191 million)

22. Menardo Jimenez and family ($190 million)

23. Felipe Gozon and family ($165 million)

24. Mariano Tan and family ($140 million)

25. Ramon del Rosario Jr. ($137 million)

26. Ronaldo and Rosalinda Hortaleza ($110 million)

27. Manuel Zamora ($105 million)

28. Betty Ang ($100 million)

29. Tomas Alcantara and family ($90 million)

30. Frederick Dy ($70 million)

31. Wilfred Steven Uytengsu Sr. ($60 million)

32. Salvador Zamora ($55 million)

33. Oscar Hilado and family ($51 million)

34. Philip T. Ang ($50 million)

35. Magdaleno Albarracin Jr. ($49 million)

36. Jesus Tambunting ($47 million)

37. Antonio Roxas ($36 million)

38. Manuel Pangilinan ($35 million)

39. Marixi Rufino-Prieto and family ($33 million)

40. Lourdes Montinola ($30 million)

10 Most Admired Company in RP for 2008 - Wall Street Journal

The Wall Street Journal Asia has released the result of their 2008 survey “Asia’s 200 Most Admired Companies” from 2,477 executives and professionals as respondents.

Here is the list of Top 10 Most Admired Companies in the Philippines this year:

1. Ayala Land Inc.

2. Jollibee Foods Corp.

3. Ayala Corp.

4. Globe Telecom

5. San Miguel Corp.

6. Bank of the Philippine Islands

7. ABS-CBN Broadcasting Corp.

8. Philippine Long Distance Telephone Co.

9. SM Prime Holdings

10. Banco de Oro Unibank

In the Innovation Award Category, recipients are as follows:

1. Jollibee Foods

2. Globe Telecom

3. ABS-CBN Broadcasting Corp. (Internet TV services on TFC Now)

4. Banco De Oro Universal

5. Ayala Land

6. Ayala Corporation

7. PLDT

8. Universal Robina

9. Bank of the Phil. Island

10. SM Prime Holdings

ABS-CBN was the only media company that made it to the list.

Top 10 Highest Grossing Pinoy Movies of All Time

As of July 3, 2008, Star Cinema’s Sukob (2006) starring Kris Aquino and Claudine Barretto is still undisputed as the Top Grossing Filipino movie in history! Check out the exclusive Top 10 list of the highest grossing pinoy films of all time.

Top 10 Highest Grossing Pinoy Movies of All Time

1. Sukob (Star Cinema, 2006) - P186.41 Million

2. Ang Tanging Ina (Star Cinema, 2003) - P177.82 Million

3. Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo (Star Cinema, 2006) - P162.37 Million

4. One More Chance (Star Cinema, 2007) - P152.79 Million

5. Caregiver (Star Cinema, 2008) - P139.++ Million

6. A Love Story (Star Cinema, 2007) - P139.61 Million

7. Enteng Kabisote 3 (Octo Arts, 2006) - P128 Million

8. Sakal, Sakali, Saklolo (Star Cinema, 2007) - P122.90 Million

9. Isusumbong Kita Sa Tatay Ko (Star Cinema, 1997) - P104.00 Million

10. My Bestfriend’s Girlfriend (GMA/Regal, 2008) - P101.24 Million

Movies that almost made it:

Ouija (GMA/Viva, 2007) - P97.67 Million

Ang Cute ng Ina Mo (ABS-CBN/Viva, 2007) - P92.23 Million

Enteng Kabisote 4 (Octo Arts, 2007) - P91 Million

Note: Dubai, Feng Shui and Wag Kang Lilingon have no reported box office gross. This list will be updated once the figures of the said films are reported.

Ang buhay ay isang papel.

Life begins as a blank piece of paper.

You write on, draw on, tear, erase, and otherwise alter the paper as your life goes on, but its still the same piece. It has the same potential as anyone else's, the same size. But you make it your own, you host your life, in all its shame and glory, upon that page.

And most people, they don't give a damn.

They're too busy getting pens and ink to look at your piece, let alone to colour their own. And there are those who seek to destroy their paper, or keep it blank and free from danger, but also the charm of a wide life.

But those souls you must look out for are the ones who seek to colour the paper of others, to tinge their lives with rainbow hues, to create a tapestry which spans over so much paper that God himself would have to step back and take a look.

For these are the true artists, who seek to express emotion through action, not word. Through deed, not drawing. Rather than place their expression on a canvas, they take it to the world, and spread it over everyone and everything they see.

This is the mark of the truly creative; he who can create hope where there was only dispair, she who can push those around her to new levels of greatness, and they who can do this for its own sake.

If you ever meet one of these people, do your best to return the favour.

Love no longer simply is

Why is everyone nowadays so mechanical?

After a string of dates and reasonably good conversation, it’s a relationship. After some sex and arguments, it’s over.

No one is in love anymore.

No one can stay up all night thinking of 1,000,000 reasons why they love their partner... Stare at them while they sleep, counting their hairs, their pores scattered all over their skin. Smelling the scent their being exudes.

Everyone is cautious, keeping a bit of themselves in a vault for safekeeping. Don’t give it all or you’ll lose it far too soon, they think.

Truly in love, just the thought can bring you to tears and distort the world around you. Until you’re blind and lead by your heart. You want to melt into him and never be separated. To trace with your lips every inch of his stature. Stare into the abyss of his ears, breathing unheard truths and pleadings. To prod his finger tips with yours in stark polarity yet perfectly in twine. To drink of his wine in never a hefty portion, yet drunk in intoxicated bliss.

But love is never that way anymore.

Love is diamond-studded and financially impressive. Love follows an itinerary and frowns when unscheduled. Love laughs at his old self who was content with just the way he was. Now love needs reason, justification, innovation.

Love no longer simply is.

30 Upcoming Movie Sequels You Didn't Know About

Here are 30 films in various states of production.

The domination of sequels in the big summer and winter schedules continues, and if the following - in particular order - is anything to go by, it's going to carry on for many years to come...

The Brazilian Job:

the follow up to Paramount’s US remake of The Italian Job is still on the cards, and it’s got a 2009 release date marked. Jason Statham, Mos Def, Mark Wahlberg and Charlize Theron are attached, as is director F Gary Gray.

I, Robot 2:

All we know on this one is that it’s in the scripting stages still, with a potential 2010 release date planned in. No news on Mr Smith's involvement.

I Am Legend 2:

Warner’s huge Christmas 2007 hit could also have a follow up, although it’d be interesting to see if Will Smith returned to it. A 2010 release date is also being mooted for this one.

Beverly Hills Cop 4:

If Die Hard can still do it at the box office, why can’t Axel Foley? Er, because the third BHC movie was crap, and a flop. Still, it’s not stopped development work going ahead on number four. No further news than that, though.

National Treasure 3:

Not a huge surprise, but as the Nic Cage Indiana Jones knock off franchise has proved to be quite a juggernaut, you’ll only have to wait until 2011 for the third film in the series.

Cars 2:
We spotted this on AintItCool – is Pixar really looking to make a sequel to its weakest film? Apparently so…

Toy Story 3:

This one, after lots of umming and ahhing, appears to be a goer. It won’t, as was speculated, be a straight-to-DVD affair, and Tom Hanks and Tim Allen are both expected back on voicing duties. It’ll be out in 2010.

Jeepers Creepers 3:

MGM is running the rule over a potential third instalment in the horror franchise, with director Victor Salva still attached. Hmmm.

Shrek 5:

The fourth film was a no-brainer after the tepid third outing made so much cash. But a fifth instalment has also been confirmed. No wonder Shrek is the same colour as an American dollar…

Night at the Museum 2:

Ben Stiller is returning for his most commercially successful role outside of the Meet the Parents franchise. We can wait. No news on the proposed Meet The Little Focker, though.

Crank 2: High Voltage:

This is more like it. Crank is a guilty pleasure right up there with Snakes on a Plane, and it’s coming back for more. Shooting starts next month, for a 2009 release, and Jason Statham returns as Chev Chelios. As he should.

Transporter 3:

Statham again. He’s making this too, and it’s in pre-production. Presumably, he’ll go from Crank 2 straight onto this.

Super Troopers 2:

A sequel nobody asked for! Hurray! Expect it in 2010, as it’s in the early writing stages still, we believe.

Silent Hill 2:

Sony is looking at a follow up to the crap-but-popular video game adaptation. 2010 is the current slated release date.

The Descent 2:

We understand that Neil Marshall won’t be directed this one, which has the, er, working title of The De2cent. He’s attached as Executive Producer, with Jon Harris stepping behind the camera (he edited the first film, as well as the more recent Stardust).

The Grudge 3:

Yup, it’s in pre-production now, for release next year. That’ll likely be the scariest thing about it..

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Ice Age 3:

1st July 2009. That’s the date you’ll need to avoid if you want to miss the next Ice Age movie. Hopefully it’ll be better than the second one…

Ghost Rider 2:

A surprise hit last year, Marvel is developing a follow-up to the Nic Cage comic book flick, and tentatively has 2009 marked for release. No director is thus far attached.

The Untouchables: Capone Rising:

A prequel to Brian De Palma’s cracking prohibition thriller of, er, twenty years ago. De Palma is back behind the camera, and the project is in the pre-production stages now.

The Thomas Crown Affair 2:

Weird, this. It’s taken them ages to do a sequel, and then they draft in Paul Verhoeven to direct

a follow-up to someone else’s film. Pierce Brosnan returns, and filming starts shortly.

.

The People Under The Stairs 2:

No sign of any Wes Craven involvement, though, and release may even be this year. Hmmm. We'd wager DVD will be its home.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor:

Er, that’s what they’ve called The Mummy 3, which is out on 1st August. Brendan Fraser and Jet Li star.

Punisher: War Zone:

Ray Stevenson becomes the third person to play The Punisher on screen. You’ll be able to find out how he did on 12th September this year.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder:

Casper Van Diem is back, but it’s still going straight to DVD, as the piss-awful second film did. It’s due out later this year.

Pink Panther 2:

Oh dear. And I’m a Steve Martin fan. It’s out on 13th February 2009.

Ace Ventura 3:
No Jim Carrey though, and no chance of it seeing the inside of a cinema. Head to Blockbuster later in the year if you want to catch it.

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave:

Another straight to DVD sequel, but this one’s of note because it’s directed by Soul Man/Hitcher star C Thomas Howell. Blimey.

Jurassic Park 4:

It’s taken them ages to sort this out, but the latest is that Laura Dern is still attached, and that it’ll be released in 2009. Don’t hold your breath though, as shooting would need to start really very soon...

Scary Movie 5/Saw 5:

You could have guessed at these if you didn’t know about them already. Both should see the light before the end of the year. Sadly.

TIME Magazine's 100 Best TV Shows of All Time

TIME Magazine’s TV critic James Poniewozik has compiled a list of 100 Best TV Shows of All Time. See if your favorite show is on the list.

A - F
* The Abbott and Costello Show

* ABC’s Wide World of Sports

* Alfred Hitchcock Presents

* All in the Family

* An American Family

* American Idol

* Arrested Development

* Battlestar Galactica

* The Beavis and Butt-Head Show

* The Bob Newhart Show

* Brideshead Revisited
* Buffalo Bill

* Buffy the Vampire Slayer

* The Carol Burnett Show

* The CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite

* A Charlie Brown Christmas

* Cheers

* The Cosby Show

* The Daily Show

* Dallas

* The Day After

* Deadwood

* The Dick Van Dyke Show

* Dragnet

* The Ed Sullivan Show

* The Ernie Kovacs Show

* Felicity

* Freaks and Geeks

* The French Chef

* Friends

G - M
* General Hospital

* The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show

* Gilmore Girls

* Gunsmoke

* Hill Street Blues

* Homicide: Life on the Street

* The Honeymooners

* I, Claudius

* I Love Lucy

* King of the Hill

* The Larry Sanders Show

* Late Night with David Letterman (NBC)

* Leave It to Beaver

* Lost

* Married… With Children

* Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

* The Mary Tyler Moore Show

* M*A*S*H* The Monkees

* Monty Python’s Flying Circus

* Moonlighting

* MTV 1981-1992

* My So-Called Life

* Mystery Science Theater 3000

N - S
* The Odd Couple

* The Office [American]

* The Office [British]

* The Oprah Winfrey Show

* Pee Wee’s Playhouse

* Playhouse 90

* The Price Is Right

* Prime Suspect

* The Prisoner

* The Real World

* Rocky and His Friends

* Roots

* Roseanne

* Sanford and Son

* Saturday Night Live

* Second City Television

* See It Now

* Seinfeld

* Sesame Street

* Sex and the City

* The Shield

* The Simpsons

* The Singing Detective

* Six Feet Under

* 60 Minutes

* Soap

* The Sopranos

* South Park

* SpongeBob SquarePants

* SportsCenter

* Star Trek

* St. Elsewhere

* The Super Bowl (and the Ads)

* Survivor

T - Z
* Taxi

* The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson

* 24

* The Twilight Zone

* Twin Peaks

* The West Wing

* What’s My Line?

* WKRP in Cincinnati

* The Wire

* Wiseguy

* The X-Files

* Your Show of Shows

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

What is heartache?

That is easy --- that pain in your chest when you love someone so much and you realize that they don't care. When you lie awake at night and think of everything you could have been and know that it's just one-sided, and that nothing you can do or say will ever change that.What is loss?

Another easy one --- it's watching that person choose someone just like you, only not you. Someone better, younger, smarter, and more gorgeous. That's when you also learn what hate is, because only hate born from the same womb of something so precious as tenderness and love can be so utterly devastating. That is when you lose everything you were before, and become bitter and sarcastic. It is a different view one sees when the world isn't black and white, good and evil anymore. This is loss, when you realize that you don't miss it anymore.

In this we also learn what cruelty is. And pain, jealousy, fear, rage. All of that, one can learn in a single afternoon sitting in a room with someone you've known and loved for years; silently watching as this person tears your world apart piece by piece with only one glance and a handful of words.

But alas --- what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, as they say. When I learned what that true pain was, with its depression and angst, I learned also what strength is. When one travels to the dark side of the moon, to Hell and back, you become numb to that fear of the dark, that sense of panic near the fire.

It’s do or die, and I somehow chose to live.

One day, maybe tomorrow, maybe in years, you'll go through the same trials as me and find out the truth. And the truth is this: I can now be me, not the shadow of who I could have been, who we could have been.

Now, I am in love with someone new --- quite on accident I assure you. And when we lie together, holding one another, confessing our dreams and sins --- I don't think of you.

I think of us, this wonderful accident and I, and I'm happy.

Truly, utterly happy.

I just write.

I just write.

I want my fingers to speak in cipher and symbol, in character and punctuation --- I want them to speed across an empty slate, filling it with idea and passion. I want others to read it, and I want them --- for a brief fleeting moment --- to see what I see. Understand the world through my eyes, and be brightened, saddened, twisted, bent, gyred, spun, and transformed.

It is not ego that drives me so --- there is nothing inside me so great that I must stop at nothing to get it out, no explosion of math and science and passion that threatens to tear me at my seams.

It is not sadness, madness, or gladness that makes me write these things --- it isn’t some overwhelming fire of humanity. My life is not a particularly interesting one, my struggles not particularly unique...

And yet --- there is something here. Something inside me, chewing away at every thought ---fattening like a worm in an apple ---- driving some arcane wheels in my head. Turning some dust-covered gears and animating my fingers to write, write, and write.

It is through this writing that you and I can grasp up to the heavens of our own design, and sit for a while, enjoying the gentle passage of time, like two idle lovers caught up in the healthy currents of life. I can turn to you, and as my fingers speak to you in confidential tones, you can see things.

Simple things sometimes, the gentle swell of sea on a shore, the delicate sway of a single strand of grass caught in the wind, eyes shining with starlight. Complex things too: an ant-hill overflowing with activity, a million times a million engines of desire performing those tasks which define them.

I will say: Can you see this all? Isn’t it beautiful? And then you might understand why I write. Then you might see what it really is that drives me forward, as surely as an electron spins itself into eternity. The ants, the beach, the grass, the people, the laughter, the light, the stars, the everything. Things which are neither bad, nor good --- nor do I wish to ever think in such black and white, love and hate, destroy and create terms. Things, which just are --- which in our tremendous winding up of life, we seem to miss.

We don’t treasure those tiny moments of time where the only thing that should matter is that single blade of grass, or that lovers shy glance, or that wave breaking gently on the shore. Torpid currents of life swirl us into balls of hate and envy, and darkness, and those moments are past. But they give birth to more light and laughter, and we ignore those too --- we Hunger too much, we Pain too much.

And one might think that my avoidance of the truth --- repelling from my words like corresponding magnetic fields --- is because I don’t have the truth. This of course is partially true, just like everything is partially true --- just as this phrase itself is partially true. And even before my words swallow themselves in a twisted-eight swirl of infinity --- I am still here, and my words still flow, and my purpose still exists. I don’t write because I mean anything, I don’t write because you mean anything.

I write because everything is beautiful and nothing is, simultaneously – as if by a magic that everyone practices but no one understands.

I write because when I write, I trap those lost moments of time like insects in amber, and I hold them up to the brightness and I make available that spark of mankind that is so transient in our busy lives.

I write because I am godless and naked and alone, and tired and sad, and frightened and terrible and thirsty.

I write because we are all those things, all of us in our own ways, and because this is one of the few ways in which I may drive it off for a while.

One of the few ways I can say Hello to the specter of death that hangs over every dew-drop that hasn’t yet been born, that wreathes me in a crown of my own thorns, and whispers to the sun in words of violet and orange.

I write because it allows me to cheat death at least for one more day, to proclaim in my own little, tiny, fleeting voice that everyone can be a beacon, can be a light in the planes of the lightless, and can Shepard their brothers through the valley of darkness.

Most of all, I just write.

Life is like a box of crayons.

Life is like a box of crayons.

At birth, you're given a great big box of them to share and add color to your life. Some colors get used more than others.

Sometimes, a crayon gets broken. A Bright color gets snapped in half and tossed in the garbage can, never to be returned. Sometimes you keep coloring. Sometimes you can't. That color was important.

Sometimes a crayon is gained, shared between two people. That color might be just perfect, and works great! Other times it's a different shade, but it will make do.

But, there is always one color left in the box.

Black.

It's normally unused until death. It's used to frame the picture. To add the final border to the coloring board of life.

Some people use it. They color onto other's pictures with it. Sometimes their own.

They use it to scribble out portions of the picture. Sometimes the portion isn't that important.

Sometimes it is.

Sometimes there are multiple blacks in the box when you open it for the day...

Sometimes there's only one, or it isn't even there.

It all depends, really.

All depends on the crayon box and the one who holds it.

I am EMO

I am Emo.

But what does that mean?

I was born with a chemical imbalance in my brain which causes me to get severely depressed. Occasionally it also allows me to feel joy, but I fear it only does this because to know the true pain of depression, you must have felt happiness to compare it with.

I have also been given anxiety and confusing thought patterns which other people cannot understand, though they make perfect sense to me.

While I would not wish these things upon anyone else, I do not think they are necessarily bad things. They allow us to see the world for what it is, to see past the sugar coating the governments and media give everything bad. If you are forever happy, you don't see the evil in the world because you do not believe that it is there. But if you already see the badness within yourself, it is easy to realise how brainwashed the rest of the population is with the happy lies of those higher up.

There was not a point in my life which caused me to be the way I am. I was born with a genetic tendency to depressive and addictive behaviours. Though to blame my genes would be a cop out.I am the way I am, because I didn't realise that the way I am was wrong until it was too late.

I am Emo.

Though the meaning of those words has been lost in the multitude of people claiming the title as their own.

I have the slow-fading patterns crisscrossing my arm which are the tell tale sign of an 'Emo'. For me, they are simply remnants of a past I wish I could truthfully deny.

But don't think that I regret it. I don't. Not for a second. Yes I have scarred myself. But it didn't kill me, and so has made me stronger. It has given me the power to be able to help others from making my own mistakes. And, every scar I inflicted upon myself, is a scar I did not inflict upon another.

It was a necessary evil.

I am Emo.

Except that I'm not. I come from a time before Emo was anything but a not yet known music genre, emotive rock. I am from even before Angsty was the teenage diagnosis of choice. My friends knew I wasn't normal, but what is normal anyway. These days you could say that a large proportion of the teenage population is like me, and so I could be called normal. But then, I was different. There weren't others like me.

So I have lived through the plummeting rollercoaster of life, watching as more and more people hopped on the ride. Listening to their screams as they experienced something new.

I was riding no hands by then. Thinking, just maybe, that I might fall out and hit the ground with a splat.

They call me Emo...

Because they have no other explanation for me.

Bago mo maayos ang isang bagay, dapat nasira mo muna ito.

Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true.

Loneliness hurts.

Rejection hurts.

Losing someone hurts.

Envy hurts.

Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...

The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences.

And that's the key.

It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.

And maybe they're right, you know, maybe I expect too much --- maybe somewhere in the back of my head I want that stupid fairytale that everyone tells me isn't possible...

But I don’t care.

I don't care if I'm "expecting too much" because, I’ve seen glimpses, well --- more than glimpses, in other moments in the past... with other guys...

So I know that what I am looking for is out there somewhere.

The curse of the loved ones

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true.

Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert.

Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded.

The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

Love can be strong, yet delicate. It can be broken. To truly love is to understand this. To be in love is to respect this.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass...

That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

Finding GOD

There are also sorts of experiences in life that we can't really put a name to --- the birth of a child, for one or the death of a parent. Falling in love and falling apart.

Words are like net. We hope they'll cover what we mean, but we know they can't possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or wonder.

Finding God is like that too.

If it's happened to you, you know what it feels like. But try to describe it to someone else - and language only takes you so far.

Bakit ako nagsusulat?

At a very early age, perhaps the age of five or six, I knew that when I grew up I should be a writer. Between the ages of about seventeen and twenty, I tried to abandon this idea, but I did so with the consciousness that I was outraging my true nature.

You see, I’ve never considered myself much of a writer. I’m not particularly great at it. On my better day, I will be passable. On my best, I don’t have half the talent of many people I’ve been lucky enough to work with. And this is not false humility.

But why do I write you might ask...

I write because I see these images in my head that I don’t want to forget, because I hear words that need to be in ink. I have to get these things down because it’s torture if I don’t, and lost to oblivion if I’m unlucky and without a pen.

I write because nothing satisfies me most than turning my words into ideas and then sharing my complete work to people for their enjoyment and criticism.

I write because I’m not very good at speaking. (Isn’t this the very logic of writing?)

I write because it gets me to avoid things I loathe like cleaning my room or cleaning my room or cleaning my room.

I do it because after a page or two of writing my heart out, I feel like I’ve lost pounds.

I write because I know this is the best gift I have to give.

The reason that no matter what I have done in life, writing has always been a constant is that there is power in words for everyone. Be it making us laugh, reflect, angry or just making us think. And for me there is nothing more exhilarating or rewarding as seeing someone’s eyes light up as they read my words or I imagine them being played out.

I can only imagine what it must be like to write something an entire nation (and beyond) tunes in for each week, to see your written words personified. I will continue to be envious of all of you who are lucky enough to write for a living and I will continue to write myself, even if what I write never leaves the confines of my computer, because it is still so much a part of me.

I watch television and movies because I know a writer has written all that I am watching, and for that, all you writers out there have my utmost respect and full support. Thank you for all that you have written and for all that you have yet to write.

When I think about my life now, I thank the person, who once said,

“What do you do when your life exceeds your dreams?”

“Keep it to yourself.”

I guess that’s the other reason I write. One day, if I’m lucky enough, I hope to write a line half that good.


Thank you for reading this and for giving me a reason to write why I write.

For everything we have missed, we have gained something else.

Last week, while having dinner at Recipes Greenbelt with a friend, it occurred to me that it had been months since I last posted something here in multiply. I can’t even remember the last time I posted a blog, or a video... which for me is a big thing considering that in the past, I post several entries in just one day.

On that note, I will not deny the fact that I had been receiving emails and messages from my friends and followers of my blog, asking me to update my site. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t had the time or should I say can’t find the time to accommodate their request. I surely felt that there were “more important” things in life that I had to take care of than post my works online.
And so I thought wrong.

After dinner, while buying coffee at Seattle’s Best, I saw an old friend from PeoleSupport. It was such a relief to see a familiar face. Allan hasn’t changed. He is still the same bubbly, cheerful guy with a big i-am-such-a-positive-person-i-want-to-share-the-positivity-with-you sign posted on his forehead. During our conversation, he asked me, “Why are you not posting anymore? Your audience misses you. Don’t you miss writing?"

I was caught off-guard. I had been asking myself the same thing for the past several months but I never expected someone to ask me the same question. That’s the beauty of just realizing things on your own; you don’t really have to answer it right away. You can just hold on to the thought and pray that someday, you will have the answer. But being asked by someone is different. You have to give a response weather that’s the truth or not as quickly as you can.

I went back to him and say, “I will next week. I just don’t have the time.”

The truth is I always had the time. I guess I just didn’t realize that there were actually people, real people at that, waiting for my work to be posted online. I forgot that sharing my composition pieces is just as important as making them and storing them in my laptop won’t do any good to humanity.

You see, I never missed writing because I never stopped composing things. If there’s anything in the world that I most passionate about, it will be that I am able to put to words the things inside my head. Writing has saved my life several times before and I owe a lot of what I have become from it. So I can never stop doing the only thing that makes sense to me.

So here I am, posting my first entry... first of the many. =)

Yesterday morning’s cornflakes

The problem with loneliness is that it makes me smile all the time. You always have to hide behind the proverbial mask, to try and make them all think that everything is peachy.

Is it really them who need convincing? Maybe it’s really push and pull; or was that the law of gravity?

Is it just me or am I like a milk bubble skimming the bowl of reality, dancing on the jagged edges of yesterday morning’s cornflakes? Am I just waiting to pop?

If only I could get out of this place.

Is death a dream? When you reach it, do you wake up happy and clean? It’s too dirty here. Every time I look around, bits of styrofoam snow drift around me and blur my vision. When can I get out of this globe of glass?

I’m always outside, looking in. Or is it the other way around?

All these decisions you have to make: push, pull; it’s all driving me crazy.

Am I? Do you think so?

I keep on saying I’m okay but I don’t even know the veracity of that claim. People keep on asking me if I’m doing great but I don’t even know if I am!

Are they doing great? Are they okay? Maybe they don’t even know as well.

I think I need a cigar.

Hitting rock-bottom

When you find yourself haunting bookstores and checking out movies alone, then you’d really think you’ve hit rock-bottom. I found myself doing just that this lonely Sunday. I was aimlessly meandering around the mall, pondering the meaning of life, finding myself a slave to my feet.

It just happens, you know.

Life.

It does. It’s what happens when you’re not looking, when you’re not paying that much attention to what’s in front of you.

I don’t want to go into the details anymore. I never thought I’d find myself in the same spot I was in one year ago. In a month’s time I’ll back to my bitter-lonely-why-can't-someone-kill-me self again.

Chalk it up to stupidity. Chalk it up to time. Theirs. Mine. Whatever. Give it to the people who spread the disease of gossip that ended up eating away at my name. It’s over.

I know what I should do. Don’t get me wrong. I need to move on. I need to raise my head up and learn from what happened. I’m doing that.

They say I’m a very self-sufficient guy. I could heal myself. I could push myself to wherever I want to. However, I’m still in what you might call the depression phase.

I just won’t show it.

People say I should wake up. I should let him go. I can’t. I love him. One of my friends asked me why. Everybody’s wondering why I keep holding on. I love him. Didn’t I already say that?

I think it was Blaise Pascal who said “Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait pointe.” The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing. I don’t know why I love him. I just feel it. Isn’t that reason enough? This world has become too logical. We’ve lost ourselves in statistics, in our belief of numbers.

Anyway, I’ll live my life. Right now, I’ll let myself absorb the moment. I’ll revel in the feeling… and I will get stronger. Winners are not winners if they don’t know defeat.

As the cliché goes… when you’re at rock-bottom, there’s nowhere else for you to go…

but up.

Snap shots of a tear-stained face

In the unchartable depths behind my eyes, wheels of colour dance, blown by some strange wind that would chill you to the marrow to feel it.

Images - snap shots - of things that have been or have yet to be flicker in and out in no discernable order. Strands of music buzz through the air like living rays of light; illuminating everything around them in a multitude of yellows and blues. Beams of the purest colours shine down from above, as if rent asunder by a giant diamond prism.

Some would look at this and see only chaos and madness. I look at this and see beauty that is wild and free, untamed by chisel or lute, paper or canvass. This purity inspires me. It gives me the strength to perservere.

I capture small portions of this to show others what I have seen, but I know not if my efforts are in vain.

Can you hear the mystery calling to you? Can you reach out and touch it, calling it to yourself, letting it envelop you and help you to find your way?

Maybe I'll be stuck like this forever, until my tears wear my body away like the ocean does a mountain. Until the darkness overcomes my heart and snuffs me out like a candle's pale flame, with a single gust of icy wind. Until my loneliness tears me in two and my anger consumes me like burning wood, leaving only ashes of what was before, a scant reminder of a ruined life. I burn even now. I burn with indecision.

Should I give up this fight that will eventually lead me to my downfall, or should I keep up the fight and endure the pain as a consequence?

Maybe some day I will find a way out of my personal darkness, my personal hell, but for now... now I will put on my mask and continue on with my back straight and my head up. I have nothing to fear but fear itself; which I won't let bother me. To be afraid of fear is a pointless waste of time, and I need all that I can find. Fear is just the unknown. Logical thinking dispels the gloom.

Maybe some day I will be able to tell my friends how much I truly need them and how much I rely on them being there for me. Maybe some day I can rejoin my friends in my make-believe world, and this one, to play on the green grass all day long.

Maybe some day I'll find the mysterious antidote that will clear this vicious poison from my senses and I can return home with a light heart and I won't have to hide my tear-stained face from the world any more.

Maybe some day I'll be free at last.

Despite everything, life goes on. Another silver tear rolls down my face in the lengthening silence.

Yes.

Life goes on.

Scared Shitless

Curled up like a child in a woman’s womb, I stayed in this position. My mind was raging; thoughts intersecting by one another in rapid speed.

I was scared shitless.

I couldn’t tell the difference between possibility and the inevitable. It felt like my brain was turning into a Rubik cube and it was taking forever for me to match all the colors.

Was someone going to break in through the window? Should I lock the door so no one could go in? Were there ghosts hanging from the ceiling, watching me as I try to sleep?

I wanted to ram my head into the wall and just pound it until it bled out all the thoughts in my mind. I was so consumed by negativity, I just wanted to get a gun and blow my brains out.

Sleep, when are you going to take me?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten; I’m counting, desperately trying to put myself in this fairy tale trance.

Everything I need to know I learned from my mom

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

Right around the corner

I was so looking forward to it all.

All I could do was think ahead to this day when it would feel right for us to give it another try. For the first time in forever, you and me... it seemed so possible.

It seemed right around the corner.

But he left.

And it all went away...

I was living in this warm and fuzzy world of daydreams, and I got yanked right out of it. I have no idea how to get back there.

And what scares me the most is maybe I never will.

I'm a walking contradiction...

I don't want to go out and meet new people.

I don't want to. I'm tired of it and I’m scared.

I already got my heart broken one too many times. I'm not ready to hand it out again.

I guess what I’m afraid of is that I’ll find someone new and fall in love with them and then get hurt again. I don't want to go through that. I really don't.

I mean, I do want someone to love and to be by my side, but I’m just afraid of falling in love again.

I'm a walking contradiction...

I want to fall in love, but at the same time, I don't want to experience the hurt and pain that is associated with it.

Ano nga ba kse ang favorite color mo?

“Anong favorite color ko?”

Natigilan ka sa pagsubo ng cheesecake na gawa ko sa bibig mo.

“Saan naman galing yung tanong mo?”

“Wala lang.”

Ngayon lang sumangga sa utak ko na isang taon na pala. Labingdalawang buwan. Tatlong-daan at animnapu’t-limang beses na umikot ang mundo mula ng magkakilala tayo. Pero ni hindi ko man lamang alam kung ano ang favorite color mo.

Mas mabilis ko pa yatang matatapos ang isang exam na ang mga tanong ay yung tipong: “What is the maximum temperature that can be reached by the combustion of methane with 20% excess air? Both methane and the air enter the burner at 298K.?”

Kaysa sa: “What is his favorite color??”

Kung ganyan ang tanong na nasa exam ko, kahit pa siguro “up-to-sawa”, hindi lalapat ang ballpen sa papel ko. O di kaya naman nagmukha ng coupon bond yung yellow paper sa dami ng correction fluid na magagamit ko. At pihadong ma-si-singko ako.

Bigyan mo ako ng slumbook at yung unang limang linya lang ang masusulatan ko.
Name: Oo naman alam ko yun siyempre pati na rin nickname. Haller?

Birthday: Binati naman kita nung birthday mo. Siyempre hindi ko makakalimutan yung date noh. Saka ka-birthday mo pinsan ko.

Zodiac Sign: Sus. Ang dali lang hulaan nito. Malamang alam ko ‘to kasi alam ko birthday mo. Wala naman sa gitna ng dalawang zodiac signs ang birthday mo. May mga birthday kasi na depende sa dyaryong binabasa mo kung ano ang zodiac sign mo.

Address: Basta ang alam ko taga-Quezon City ka, di ko nga lang talaga sigurado kung saan. Malapit yata sa EDSA.

Telephone Number: Mandaraya pa ako. Naka-store naman landline mo sa cell ko eh.
Pagdating sa “favorites?”

Tenenenen.

Favorite:

Color: Uhmm “blue?” Stereotypical lang. Siguro kasi lalaki ka.

Food: Kinakain mo naman lahat eh, paano ko malalaman? Bottomless pit pa man din yang sikmura mo. Kaya nga ang taba mo ngayon eh. Bola-bola siopao. Saka siyempre cheesecake ko.

Sport: Without a doubt. BASKETBALL.

Song: Half-life by Duncan Shiek? Lagi ko lang kasing naririnig yung statement na half-life galing sa’yo. Saka naalala ko rin na may sinabi kang gusto mo yun.

Singer: Malamang Duncan Shiek.

Movie: Dito medyo sigurado ako. The Matrix. Pati na rin yung Reloaded and Revolution.

Actor: I don?t think just because you like the Matrix you like Keanu Reeves as well.

Actress: Maui Taylor? Aubrey Miles? Lahat ng nag-pose para sa FHM calendar? Based lang lahat ng assumptions ko sa mga naka-dikit sa dingding ng kwarto mo.

Book: The Alchemist? You just seem to quote so much from it.

Author: Paulo Coelho? For obvious reasons.

The list could go on and still manghuhula pa rin ako. I just realized that I hardly know you at all. Ni hindi ko man lang alam kung ano ang mga hilig mo. Pero kahit na ganito ang kaso minahal pa rin kita. Hindi naman kasi kita minahal dahil sa pareho tayong fan ng LA Lakers. At lalong hindi naman mawawala yung pagmamahal ko sa’yo kung nagkataon na si April Boy ang favorite singer mo.

Minahal kita dahil sa kung ano yung ikaw na nakilala ko. Yung pagpunas mo ng luha sa mukha ko sa tuwing umiiyak ako. Yung pagdala mo ng pandesal sa umaga nung hindi ako natulog dahil sa tinapos ko ang presentation ko para sa boss ko. Yung pagukunwari mong nasasaktan ka tuwing hinahampas kita. Yung pagpilit mo sa ’king ngumiti kahit pa sukdulan naman yung kakornihan ng joke mo. Yung nag-star gazing tayo sa field habang nakahiga ako sa braso mo. Yun ang mga katangian mong minahal at pinahalagahan ko. Pero malamang kung si April Boy ang favorite singer mo, na-turn off ako. Pero kaunti lang.

“Hulaan mo?”

“Hay, ‘yan ka na naman. Pahihirapan pa akong manghula, hindi na lang sabihin."

Kunwari nag-isip ako.

“Blue?”

Ngumiti ka.

“Green?”

Sa hindi ko na alam kung pang-ilang pagkakataon, mali na naman ako. Tulad ng maraming pagkakamali na una kong nagawa. Mali ako nung hinulaan kong blue ang kulay ng pinto ng apartment mo, pink pala. Mali ako nung inakala kong bunso ka. Mali ako nung inakala kong iisa lang yung ate mong gagawan natin ng cheesecake at yung ate mong kasama mo sa apartment. Mali yung pagkakabasa ko sa mga ikinikilos mo.

Mali yung inakala kong there was something existing between us. Kasi nung hinayaan ko ang sarili kong mahulog, wala ka palang balak saluhin ako. Ang dami ko tuloy tinamong pilay at sugat. Mga sugat na hindi ko alam kung kalian gagaling ng tuluyan. Mali rin yung inisip ko that there could have been something existing between us kung hindi lang ako tanga. Kasi bumaba ng sukdulan ang self-esteem ko kakasisi ko sa sarili ko. Lalong mali yung umaasa pa rin ako that someday maybe, just maybe, something would be existing between us. Dahil habang patuloy akong umaasa, lalo mo lang akong pinapatay. Kaya nga mali rin siguro na magkaibigan uli tayo.

Pero hindi ko itinuturing na pagkakamali yung minahal kita. Oo, nasaktan ako ng sobra at sinubukan kong lunurin ang sarili ko sa bote-bote ng beer, pero yung sandaling panahong ipinaramdam mo sa ‘kin na mahalaga ako ay isa sa pinakamasasayang sandali ng buhay ko.

Pero dapat ko ng tanggapin na hindi ka talaga para sa ‘kin at dapat na kitang pakawalan. Wala ng silbi yung patuloy ko pang hayaan na sa’yo umikot ang mundo ko. Alam kong magmamahal uli ako, pero hindi pa ngayon.

Kung kailan, hindi ko alam.

Sana lang kapag dumating na ang araw na magmahal uli ako, tumama na ako na blue ang favorite color niya.

Unti-unti ka ng umaalis sa buhay ko pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong favorite color mo...

Ano nga ba kse ang favorite color mo?

Desisyon mo yan diba... edi panindigan mo...

When you don't have anyone telling you what to do anymore, sometimes you don't know then what you should do. It seems so much easier to have people make decisions for you. Clean your room, do the laundry, do the dishes, mow the lawn, chop down a tree, etc. Even little things like what you can and cannot eat, what you are going to wear, and that yes, you are going to school.

When you're a kid, your parents make those decisions for you. They tell you what you can and can't watch on TV, what time you're going to get your hair cut, and how many gerbils are too many. When you're a kid, you don't make many decisions for yourself.

Decisions.

Making decisions is a sign of power. You're the one who makes the decisions. What power there is in that. Power is great, isn't it? Power is fun, you get to do whatever you want when you make all the decisions, right? Well, with power comes responsibility.

Responsibility.

You're responsible for the decisions you make. Every decision made carries with it an effect, a consequence. No punishments, no rewards, just consequences. Punishments and rewards are effects that occur outside of the decision-making process. You can have them or not, it doesn't matter. You can't get rid of consequences. Sure, you can put a spear point on your your baseball bat and try to get it through that stop sign. Go ahead. Too bad about that little girl. How's jail? You don't have to make any decisions anymore, at least. Easy.

Sometimes, with a lot of power, therefore a lot of responsibility, there comes a lot of stress. Hell, not sometimes, always. There's always stress attached to responsibility. There's stress in the immediate decisions, like do I try to make this yellow light before that truck comes through (whew, that was close!) and stress in the long-term.

Your decisions can either build you up or wear you down. Every adult human is in complete control of themselves. That's how it works, when you're living as an adult. Sometimes, adults don't want that much control, and give some to someone else. A spouse, parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, teacher, neighbor, cab driver, etc. A guy who sees a beautiful women in a restaurant and goes over to her, scared as hell that she's not going to like him, is giving over power over himself. He's not making the decisions anymore. She's in charge of his happiness.

Happiness.

Stress doesn't promote happiness, as far as we know. (quite far) Stress stresses us. Like the tension cables on a suspension bridge, constantly being pulled in three directions, stress stretches and pulls on us, and too much of it can make us snap, or fail. Less stress lets us relax a bit, and be more comfortable. Being comfortable makes us happy.

That's why we love that disgusting old leather couch in our grandpa's basement more than the new abstract artpiece with a funky name from IKEA. That's what we want from our friends. We want people that we can be completely comfortable with. That's what we want from ourselves. We want to be comfortable with ourselves.

Making good decisions tells you that you're doing the right thing. Your power isn't wasted. The more good decisions that you make, the more comfortable you are with yourself. If you're not the one making the right decisions, how can you take the credit for them? How can you be pleased with them?

Making decisions tells you that you're an adult.

You're alive.

You're responsible.

You have power.

You are in charge.

You are. --- Not your mom, not your boyfriend, not your dog. Okay, maybe your dog is in charge, but you know what? He learned it from you.

Take charge. You make tomorrow happen.

You're needed.

Don't screw it up.