The Spleen Monologues

Here's something to start my week with. It's an excerpt from Jessica Zafra's Spleen Monologues. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I have.

I am often asked: What is your problem?

Let me ask you the same question: What is your problem?

When you look in the mirror you will feel a deep, unquenchable discontent because no matter what products or services you buy, you will never, ever look the way the TV commercials and magazines say you should. The cosmetics, fashion. health and fitness industries are sustained by your eternal dissatisfaction and the pernicious self-loathing that is called "self-improvement."

You work for a person you do not respect, whose main qualification is that he is related or somehow connected to the powers that be in your professional universe. You take orders from someone of lesser ability, who criticizes your work because he knows that you know he doesn't deserve his position, and dammit, just because he can. The promotion that should've gone to you goes to someone whose ability to suck up to the boss would shame the most powerful vacuum cleaner. You stay in a job you hate, among the people you can't stand, because you have bills to pay and a lifestyle you have to maintain whether or not you actually like it.

You receive advice you don't want from people who say that they care about you and have your best interests at heart, but are actually using you to delude themselves that their lives are wonderful. (They need you more than you need them, ever think of that? Without poor little you to give advice to, who would they be superior to?)

You are considered a loser because you refuse to compromise your standards and settle for whoever is willing and available. You are called immature by people who jumped on the first warm body that happened along because they were afraid to be alone.

You are judged not on your merits but on externals. Your clothes. Your car. Your looks. Your possessions. Your address. Your friends, the people you claim to be your friends, the people you think are your friends. The club you belong to. You are defined by the furnishings in your house, the model of your car, the version of your software, the size of your cellphone, the labels of your clothes, the restaurants you dine in, the television sitcoms you watch, the new spiritual philosophies you subscribe to. "This is you," the salesperson say with a cloying smile, holding up a product worth exactly one-fiftieth its price, and somewhere in the back of your mind you know that this is not you, but you take out your credit card and bury yourself deeper in debt because you can't afford not to buy what everyone else is buying. Better to be in the hock than to be different. There is safety in numbers.

You are under pressure to follow trends which, in the minute they become trends, are on their way to obsolescence. You are required to eat food that is supposed to make you live longer, but which is so tasteless you wonder why people would want to live longer. You get rid of being called Fatty, so you follow diets and exercise regimens to lose weight, when it is a fact of life that you will gain all the weight back and more.

You see stupidity, self-delusion and arrogance everywhere you turn.

When people say "Be yourself," they mean you should be more like them. When they say "It's ok to be different" they neglect to add, "But not too different".

And when you vent your anger, people shrug their shoulders and say, "That is the way things are, there's nothing you can do about it".

Between you and me, I'm the happy one.

You don't know what you're missing...

Sometimes you don't know what you're missing until you reach out to touch it. Sometimes you can't see how beautiful something is until it steps back into the light. And sometimes you miss a love you almost didn't lose...

But when you need beauty, dreams and love the most you find them taken away from you.

And when someone is drifting away from you, you feel it screaming inside your chest. Your heart feels numb and ignorant because the truest of love isn’t easy. It’s the worst thing in the world.

True love breaks you, but you become real.

When you are real and in love you will never be unhappy. You are only unhappy when you deny the truth held in love.

The Gratitude Journal

We all have so much to be grateful for. Even if we are not consciously aware of it, God is blessing us every moment of our lives.

As you look around, be grateful for everything in your life. Begin to see and acknowledge the Presence of God in your life and in all of your affairs. The Presence of God is in your home, finances, relationships, and your health. Begin to look at life with your Spiritual Eyes and see the goodness in all things.

Whatever you desire to experience, remember that the most powerful form of prayer is Praise. So pray with high energy, excitement, and enthusiasm! Ask for your desires from a place of your inner knowing and give thanks knowing that it is already done! Continue to give thanks with an open heart and an open mind. When you give thanks, you create a channel to receive your blessings.

So get ready! Look around you right now, wherever you are.

Find 5 things to be grateful for.

What are they? Why are you grateful for them? How does it feel to take a moment to appreciate the blessings in your life?

Now that you've got the Attitude of Gratitude, keep the momentum going. Maintain a Gratitude Journal. Each night before you go to bed, list 5 things you are grateful for, and give God the Praise!

Be grateful for your family, friends, and all the things that make your life special! Spend time outdoors and give thanks for the beauty of Mother Nature. See how creative you can be in finding things to be grateful for. Oh, and don't forget the simple things.

Example:

I am grateful for waking up this morning!

I am grateful for the water I used to wash my face this morning!

I am grateful for having a place to lay my head!

I am grateful to make new choices in my life!

I am grateful for 2nd chances!

And I say Thank You God!!!

The grateful heart attracts great things! Even give thanks for challenges or adverse situations that you might be facing. As someone once shared with me, whatever it is, "Bless it and call it good!"

Power is the ability to do.

You have the ability to create through your actions, words, thoughts and deeds. What is it that you are choosing to create?

As we celebrate the coming of spring and the Resurrection of Christ, let us give thanks for the opportunity to blossom and be reborn in our own lives. Trust in the Power of God. Trust in your Power to speak things into existence. Trust in the Power of Praise!

"Let everything that has breath Praise the Lord"Psalm 150:6

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage

Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite.

It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa guy (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."

Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. Tapos sa huli ikaw pa rin ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other guys, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing people other than you?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya? almost, but not quite.

If a dog was the teacher...

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..! run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

That sinister voice...

And I went to the phone and asked hello and your voice replied hello.

Your voice... a voice I haven't heard in five months.

I hate that voice.

That evil voice that steals my breath and stops my heart. That sinister voice that brings back the memories and the pain. I heard your voice... and I wanted to die.

I wanted to scream. To hang the phone up and disconnect it so I wouldn't hear your voice coming through the line.

I wanted to rip the phone off the wall...

To throw it away...

Throw the phone and your voice away... Forever.

Now, I hear your voice everywhere I go. I can't escape that voice. That voice that will torture me forever. Your voice will never let me rest. Never let me go. I can never escape your voice.

And what I wouldn't give...

What I wouldn't give to never have to hear your voice anymore. To never have to fear that every time the phone rings it will be you on the other end of the line. What I wouldn't give to never have to fear you anymore.

I would do whatever it takes to escape your voice...

To escape you...

And your voice said good-bye, and as I hung the phone up I wished.

I wished it really would be...

Good-bye...

Let the young ones sleep

You are older, it seems, than some people... and so they call you OLD.

Old.

Old.

Old.

You have wrinkles you do not cover and your hair is gray and you have lived for something like seventy-four years on this earth without much complaint.... there is nothing much to complain about.

But some people look at you and think you should stop now... rest now... grow old now, gracefully...

But you have lived gracefully enough you don't have time to grow old.You have a canoe...

And that canoe has a river...

And that river does not end...

And you watch the river flow and watch it flow... and watch your hands turn eighty years old in the middle of a river bend.

You hike thirteen miles at the end of the day and this is how you rest, that is how you rest.

So let the young ones sleep.

Let the whole world sleep.... you will sleep when you have to.

You are crossing the water... crossing the water...

And there is so much water left to be crossed...