Bitter and Jaded no more

After any breakup, you do what the average person does...

You sit and question.

You second guess every action.

You think about 'what-if'.

You debate on those words that seem so perfect, and then try to find a way to get them out.

Everyone tries to give you advice, and you love them for it. But, advice really can't be taken until you've reached a realization that what you had for as long as you had it for... is over.

And once you do realize it, the advice doesn't even matter because you fight with yourself... over the fact that there really is no one meant for you. That, it’s just isn't worth trying anymore. That being bitter and jaded may be the best way to live.

But, perhaps the best thing to do is understand.

Well, at least try to understand.

I found myself many times before being bitter and jaded after being broken up with. And, I can sense the feeling that perhaps my ex boyfriends also had those feelings towards me when I decided to call things off.

But, this year has taught me that as good as it is for your heart and mind to try and hold onto to something that is broke, it's not good for your soul.

Alas, it's also not good to just let go, as well.

So, you find yourself battling... trying to see what's the best road to take.

But, perhaps it's the road of understanding that's the best path to take.

Understanding that your heart will mend.

Understanding that they didn't mean to break your heart.

Understanding that tomorrow will come, and with it a reason to smile... a reason to live.

It's hard... you know, to understand. You become full of hatred that it's hard to try to understand someone else's thoughts when it's your own you're trying to deal with. But, in the end it's understanding that makes life worth living.

In understanding, you find a way to fight being bitter... fight being jaded, and most of all... fight all reason that leads you to believe it won't get better.

Because, it will get better.

It has before, and it will again.

Pantasya ng pag-ibig ng isang istupidong ako

Sa buong buhay mo, inakala mo na bang umibig ka? O kaya naramdaman mo ang malaking kabulastugan na tinatawag na "pag-ibig". Masakit di ba? Masalimuot, mahapdi, mabigat...

Ang pag-ibig, isa itong malaking kasinungalingan. Nang ikwento mo sa akin ang love life ng mga kaibigan mo, sinabi ko nga sa iyo na "big joke yun". Kagaya ko, joke ang nagyari sa akin. Madali kang matatamaan ng pana ni Cupido, di lang ng basta pana ang tatama sa iyo, kundi pana na may lason. Pag-ibig na lason sa mundo mo. Nabuksan ang puso ko, nakita ang niloloob ko kaya't madali mo akong ginago. Di lang ginago, pati baligtarin ang mundo ko.

Ilang taon na ring nakatayo ang mga depensa ko laban sa kagaguhang tinawag na pag-ibig. Ani ko sa sarili ko, di ako magpapalamon dito. Di ko pababayaan na bigyan ako ng sugat sa mga kalokohang pag-ibig. Ang pag-ibig, ito ang alamat ng ating henerasyon. Ang alamat na kung saan binibigyan ng pinagmulan ang mga kalokohan ng sangkatauhan.

Agosto noon. Sa isang napakaordinaryong araw, nakita kita. Sa isang istupidong araw, may isang istupidong tao, na walang pinagkaiba sa mga istupidong tao sa paligid ko, ang umupo sa harap ng pinakastupidong tao sa istupidong mundong ito. Siguro nakita na kita bago noon pero noon lang kita napansin. Ang ganda nga ng ngiti mo noon.

Sa unang tingin cute ka. Hindi gwapo, kundi cute. Mataas kasi ang batayan ko ng kagwapuhan. May ideya ka siguro kung gaano kataas, isa ito sa una mong tinanong sa akin, kung sino ang gwapo para sa akin. Para sa akin, isa lang ang gwapo sa buong mundo, isa lang. Kaso di ko nasabi sa iyo, na pangalawa ka sa listahan ko sa mga pinakagwapong lalake sa mundo. Na ikaw na ang pinakamalapit na lalake, kasama ang mga nasa telebisyon at pelikula at supermodel, sa depinisyon ko ng gwapo. Sa Ingles, "you may not be the epitome of beauty itself but you're beautiful nonetheless".

Kaso, malala pa sa tibay ng bato at tigas sa blokeng semento ang depensa ko noon laban sa ideya na ibigin ka. Bakit pa? Isa ka nga sa mga pinakamagandang lalake sa mundo na madalas kong nakikita kung saan saan pero ewan ko kung bakit. Siguro mahiyain ako. Siguro di ko gusto yung mga nasa paligid mo noon. Siguro di lang kita napapansin. Ilang buwan ka ring extra sa pelikula ng buhay ko.

Tapos sa isang napakaordinaryong araw, may malaking kabobohan kang ginawa. Kinausap mo ako. Ibang klase kang kausap, iyon ang kwento ko sa kaibigan ko noon. Ayun na, nawili na akong kausapin ka mula noon. Nagkakilala tayo tapos naging magkaibigan tayo. O baka sa isip ko lang na magkaibigan tayo. Hanggang ngayon pa naman, kung tanungin ako, kaibigan kita. Pero ewan ko kung kaibigan mo pa rin ako.

Tapos naging close tayo. Unang date natin umupo ka sa tabi ko. Di ako nagpahalatang may gusto na ako syo noon. Ibang klase naman kse ang ngiti mo. Kung pwedeng mabuhay ang tao sa ngiti siguro ay doon na ako maninirahan sa mga ngiti mo. Kumain tayo, tapos nag kape sa Starbucks. Nanood tayo ng sine at naglaro sa grocery store na parang mga batang walang pakialam sa mundo.

Doon mo napasok ang katakot-takot na depensa ko. At tanga naman ako, hinayaan kong pasukin mo ang mundo ko. Mula noong unang date natin, hindi na sa akin ang buhay ko. Ibinilang kita sa mundo ko. Binigyan kita ng parte ng buhay ko maski wala ka namang hiningi, ni katiting.

Unti-unti, ikaw ang naging sentro ng buhay ko. Naniwala ako noon sa pag-ibig. Naniwala ako na mahal kita kahit di mo masusuklian ang pagmamahal ko.

Ano pa ba?

Paggising, ikaw. Pagtulog, ikaw. Sa panaginip, ikaw. Ang kasama, ikaw at di na yung barkada ko. Ang palaging kasama, ikaw at mga kaibigan mo. Kapag kasama ko ang barkada, ikaw ang bukambibig ko. Sa mga email sa kaibigan, ikaw. Ang kwento sa kaibigan, ikaw. Ang unang pumapasok sa isip ko, ikaw. Ang dahilan ko para pumasok sa trabaho, ikaw. Ang katext, ikaw. Ang kausap, ikaw.

Dumating sa punto na hindi na ikaw ang sentro ng buhay ko, kundi ikaw ang buhay ko. Ikaw, ikaw, ikaw, ikaw, ikaw... Nawala ako sa malaking ikaw!
Dumating ang panahon ng pasukan mo sa eskwela. Nagsimula doon ang pag-unti ng dalas ng pagkikita natin. Bumihira ang pag-uusap natin. May pinasok kang mga pagkakaabalahan at ako rin. Yung mga dating ginagawa na kasama ka, mag-isa ko nang ginawa. Ewan ko kung tama yung naramdaman ko pero iniwasan mo rin ako. Sa madaling salita, nawala ka sa buhay ko.

Nalulong ako sa kasinungalingan na umiibig ako sa iyo. Napasok ang buhay ko ng kasinungalingan kaya't nilamon ako ng pag-ibig at ako'y natigilan sa kadiliman ng mga kagaguhan ng pag-ibig. Weirdo nga, dahil habang pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong aminin kung gaano kita kamahal ay ganun naman ang pagpapadama mo sa akin na mahal na mahal mo ako, na ako lang sa buhay mo, na wala ng iba, na tayo hanggang sa huli.

Pero ano tayo ngayon. Nasaan ka? Nawala ka din naman. Anlaki ng butas na pupunuin sa pagkawala mo. At tuwing magkakasalubong tayo at umaarte kang di mo ako nakikita, parang may bubog na unti-unti bumabaon sa puso ko.

Masakit. Hindi lang masakit lang sa puso't isipan. Hindi lang basta masakit. Ito yung sakit na pinupunit ang kaluluwa mo, na parang niluluto ang lamang loob mo, na nasusunog ang katawan mo, na dinadaanan ka ng pison, na ginagarote ang utak mo, na nginangata ang sikmura mo ng daga, na hinihiwa ng lagari ang katawan ko, na parang unti-unti kang binabalatan ng icepick.

Ganoon kasakit.

Bakit? Kaya ko lang manghula. Dahil siguro akala ko mahal kita. Siguro dahil nawala ng buo ang buhay ko sa akin. Siguro dahil kagaguhan ang umibig. Siguro dahil nagpaloko ako sa mga kasinungalingan ng buhay ko. Hindi ako sigurado sa mga dahilan pero sigurado ako sa epekto, masakit.

Nakita kita noong isang araw. Nakasuot ka ng pula at nakangiti. "Kamusta na?", ito ang bigkas ng labi ko sa pagsalubong natin. "Mabuti" sabay ngiti, ngiting peke.

Sana nga nasa mabuti kang kalagayan habang ako ay nananakit at pilit na pinupuno ang puwang na naiwan mo sa malaking kalokohan na pinamagatang "Buhay Ko".

Dapat walang bagay na makakagawa niyan. Na kayang kang saktan na kagaya ko. Lalo na ikaw. At maski ang pantasya ng pag-ibig.

Oo, isang pantasya ang pag-ibig.

God's Answers

In restless dreams

I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone,

neath the halo of a street lamp,

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of

A neon light

That split the night

And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more.

People talking without speaking,

People hearing without listening,

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one deared

Disturb the sound of silence.

Simon And Garfunkel

It's impossible = All things are possible (Luke, 18;27)

I'm too tired = I will give you rest (Matt, 11:28-30)

Nobody really loves me = I love you (John, 3:16)

I can't go on = My grace is sufficient (II Cor, 12:19)

I can't figure things out = I will direct your steps (Prov, 20:24)

I can't do it = You can do all things (Phil, 4:13)

I'm not able = I am able (II Cor, 9:8)

It's not worth it = It will be worth it (Rom, 8:1)

I can't forgive myself = I forgive you (IJn, 1:9 & Rom, 8:1)

I can't manage = I will supply all your needs (Phil, 4:19)

I'm afraid = I have not given you a spirit of fear (IITim, 1:7)

I'm always worried and frustrated = Cast all your cares on Me (IPet, 5:7)

I don't have enough faith = I've given everyone a measure of faith (Rom, 12:8)

I'm not smart enough = I give you wisdom (ICor, 1:30)

I feel all alone = I will never leave you or forsake you (Heb, 13:5)

Three heads and a better half

Despite the fact that there are over four hundred fourty four thousand people on the city of Makati, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone.

Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle... or on an answering machine.... or post a blog on this site...

But you have to figure ... if the world's fattest twins can find love, there's hope for all of us.

Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us, understand us, and kiss our three heads and make it all better.

Fairytales and a tale without a fairy

Would you believe in Fairytales,

If there was no damsel in distress?

Would you try to climb a bean stalk,

If the sky were any less?

Would you believe in ever-afters,

If there was no happily?

Would everything be perfect,

If we lived in fantasy?

Would time ever stop turning,

If we asked it to?

Would you stay with me forever then?

Or I with you?

If i gave to you a lock of hair,

Would you the courage to climb it?

If i promised you my heart,

Would you the valor to cherish it?

If I sang to you the siren song,

Would you the courage to listen?

If i waltzed around our reverance,

would you the valor to start dancing?

If i was to ride away with you,

would you ever change?

If i told you that i loved you,would you feel the same?

Do you believe in Fairytales?

Do you believe in mindless love?

Do you believe in reality?

Do you believe I love you just because?

Would you wish your life away

on some star crossed wishing well?

Would you forget the hopeful love,

and take on pain or hell?

I believe in a Fairytale

where you are my prince charming.

I believe in a reality

where broken hearts are not alarming.

Would you believe in ever-afters

If there was no happily?

I believe that everything is possible,

If you were my fantasy.

Most people have a fantasy about relationships. It goes something like this:

One day they will meet their ideal partner. This person will understand them completely and will easily connect with them. There will be no arguments. Everything will be perfect. Magic will happen and will continue forever.

The reality of relationships is quite different. An intimate relationship is one of the most powerful opportunities for personal growth. And growth -- even for the most transformed person -- often brings pain. But it also brings incredible joy. Relationships are akin to life - sometimes sublime and sometimes challenging. As with life, the amount of satisfaction you derive depends on how much you are willing to move outside of your comfort zone.

Love, by definition, requires that we make ourselves vulnerable. Loving someone who loves us in return is the only thing I consider beautiful in this strange world of ours. But as it is said, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." True, we should choose our adventures with caution, but risk will always be a factor. Sometimes we get hurt or deceived, but if in the end we find someone who is of a same giving heart and takes joy in loving us as we do them... then the preservation of a kind heart will be its own reward.

Relationships are not the way they are portrayed in fairy tales. The beauty of relationships is that they are an opportunity for each partner to transform. Growth will be painful at times because it will require each partner to go beyond what they know about relationships.

If you are unwilling to look within yourself and move outside your comfort zone, then stay single and date casually. If you are willing to grow, you will reap the benefits of a dynamic, loving partnership.

Only remind you of “you”

Always remind yourself that love is a wonderful feeling and experience and should not be generalized based on your past experiences. Do not use facts about your ex as a way to judge new people in your life.

Leave your past behind you and focus on moving ahead. Get to know new people for who they are, not by comparing them to others, what they are not, or what they could be.

Once you have observed their personality, values and everything else, trust yourself to make the right decisions without constantly doubting yourself.

If you wish to try having a new relationship, then do so. If you do not however, then do not feel guilty to kindly walk away from the situation. You would be doing both you and the other a person a huge favor and saving time and emotions from being hurt. You have nothing to fear or worry about.

After all, there will always be one person who will always love you, appreciate who you are and be there for you… and that is YOU.

The Greatest Lies in the World

The check's in the mail.

I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

I thought I already gave you that money I owed you.

I promise I'll pay you back next Friday.

I've never been this drunk before.

I'll never get this drunk again.

I've checked this Email out, and it's really not a hoax.

Now we're even.

I'm fine.

We found and fixed the last bug!

The software will ship on schedule.

It was as simple as that.

It's all your fault!

I love you.

You don't need to use a condom; I'm on the Pill.

I don't need to use a condom; I've had a vasectomy and tested negative for STDs.

A representative of the government says...

We'll have the repairs on your car done by noon.

Operator, my calling card number is...

You look like you haven't aged a day.

No, I don't think that outfit makes you look fat.

This is what it will cost to repair your car.

If elected, I promise...

You're going to love working here.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Nine out of ten people surveyed said...

Please hold, and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.

I'll only take a minute of your time.

Our cellular phones will give you more freedom...

100% compatible with your existing equipment.

!!Make Money Fast!!

Lose all the weight you want!

I'm being totally unbiased.

I promise I'll pull out in time.

With all due respect...

For your convenience...

In order to serve you better...

I'm planning to get a divorce so I can marry you.

I'll call you.

I never meant to mislead you.

My wife (husband) is okay with me seeing other people; s/he just doesn't want to know about it.

I'm not leaving you for him/her; I just need some space to think things through.

This will only hurt a little.

This will hurt me more than it does you.

I'm doing this for your own good.

It's only for a little while...

I didn't mean any harm.

Oh well, no harm done...

It was an accident.

I didn't do it.

I don't know who did it.

We are experiencing a peak level of call volume...

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No obligation!

You may already be a winner!

This product was made in an environmentally friendly manner.

I know it's none of my business...

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but...

This should be easy.

To speak to a representative, press "9".

It's nothing personal.

This isn't partisan politics; it's for the good of the country.

I'm not addicted; I can quit smoking any time I want.

New and Improved!

Trust me.

That was special.

*Out of all the lies he told me, "I love you" was my favorite and "I miss you" was a close second.