Broken Break-ups

Isn't it funny how you can think you're completely over someone but if you drive past his house, stumble upon a meaningful song you both shared, see a picture of you together, or even get a glance of him on the street.... just in an instant, it can change all that…

And then you start to remember the pain… and that hollow space is feeling more and more like the Grand Canyon with every second that goes by…

But you bury these feelings deep down… so deep that you're sure no one will be able to tell.

To the outside world, you smile and act like nothing is wrong or will ever be.

Everything's just perfect.

And for that split second that you've locked eyes… a tiny whisper… say 'make this last forever, only and just this moment forever and ever'…

But after a second or so, you go along your own merry way, all the while realizing how much you do miss him, how much you still love him... and it sticks with you for days, weeks, maybe months, until fate decides to hand you another one of those unexpected moments.

And then you finally understand the worst feeling in the world is when the person you love most is standing right next to you, yet you can never have them. Try as you may, you can't make someone love you again…

And in relationships, the hardest thing to do is not moving on but not looking back…

Breaking up isn’t the worst part of breaking up…

But living with it…

One day you’ll get it

There's this image I keep coming back to...

I'm ten-years-old. My mom and dad took me to see “Terminator 2: Judgement Day”. There I was, fourth row center, flanked by my parents.

And in walks this guy with another guy. Probably our age now. They plop down right in front of me... and proceed to make-out for the entire movie.

I couldn't believe it.

I couldn't believe that anyone would rather kiss than watch this action, sci-fi, thriller unfold on the screen.

At one point, I tapped the guy on the shoulder and he looked back at me, like, "One day you'll get it kid."

Here it is all these years later, and I’m not that guy who goes to the movies and makes out in the balcony, and I’m not that kid who sat between his parents...

I'm this third person who’s too busy analyzing everything to actually sit back and enjoy the show.

I mean those other two guys, at least they’re having fun.

I'm not anymore...

Miss You To Bits

You know what’s funny?

Those things that you did when we were together that would always piss me off are the things that I miss the most...

You know when you'd never stop talking to me when I was trying to watch my favorite teleserye or when I’m trying to finish a book…

How you would always be a smart ass, or how about all the times when you insisted that you loved me more...

How you’d hide all of my DVDs because you wanted us to talk…

How you’d always manage to intentionally swap our Zagu orders and confess to me what you did after I’m almost done drinking the Zagu variant that was supposed to be yours.

When you’d secretly sneak on my bag to look for cigarette to check if I smoke when I’m not home… and if you do find one, you’d hide my lighter and throw away my cigar… go back to sleep and pretend like nothing happened. (I saw all the “missing” cigarette packs on top of my closet).

When you’d deliberately adjust my alarm clock 30 minutes past my shift because you want to spend more time with me and I always end up logging in late for work.

When you’d pretend to be sick but all of a sudden get better after I inform my mom that I won’t be able to come home to Cavite. You’d then invite me to watch a movie or dine out.

When you'd playfully make fun of me for saying something wrong…

When you'd pick me up and carry me along the streets of Filmore on our way back home from Cash and Carry... and I'd fight you because people could see us but you just don't care...

When you'd call me later than you were supposed to...

When you’d purposely pretend to be done studying for your finals only to find out later that you lied because you wanted to see me.

When you’d always order extra rice and I always end up gaining those unwanted extra pounds.

How you’d always insist for me to tell you the color of the shirt I’m gonna wear and then showing up with the same exact shade. We’re always “terno” when we go to the malls.

Those are the things I want back.

It's weird.

I used to think that since we're far apart from each other, I'd be glad I wouldn't have to put up with all of them...

But now, honestly...

Those are the things I miss the most.

When the tears are not enough...

Tears flow from my eyes in little misguided river paths…

Maybe if I had only been able to hug you once more, or hold your hand as you left. Maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so much.

Maybe then I would be able to understand why I am left here alone.

It was once said, “Who do you turn to when the one who can stop your tears is the one who is making you cry?”

I wish they had found an answer…

Maybe then losing you would be easier for me to deal with.

But the thought of life without you is too painful to bear…

It actually hurts…

Like a cut on my skin, only the cut is much deeper…

It’s on my heart.

Only One

There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world.

Some are running scared...

Some are coming home...

Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth...

Some are evil men at war with the good and some are good struggling with evil...

6 billion people in the world...

6 billion souls...

And…

Sometimes...

All you need is ONE...

Just ONE...

My Dearest Penguin

Dear Penguin,

You asked me before where I went. And I want to tell you. I went to a place where nothing's right, where every moment's backwards, every sky's without color, without hope.

I tried to come back, Penguin. But I got lost...

And while I was gone, I met you...

And I didn't even have the courage to realize I was home.

A wise friend of mine told me "we all have our homes", and now I know it's true. I hope you get this letter, Penguin. I figure I got 75 chances...

Because if you do, you'll know that in the end, that's where I was...

I found home, Penguin.

I found you.

I hope you can find yours soon.

Get there --- as fast as you can.

And write me when you do.

In love with you always,

Marvin

Wonder Years

I was alone having coffee in my favorite restaurant one lazy Saturday afternoon, and I couldn't help overhearing two kids taking turns asking each other what they want to be when they grow up. Like all the other kids I asked this question to, one wants to be a doctor because he would like to help the sick, the other one wants to be a pilot someday. Their conversation was really funny in a serious kind of way or serious in a funny kind of way, but that's how kids have always been -- spontaneous, adventurous and they all have big dreams for the future.

So right at that moment, I thought to myself, when I was a kid, what did I wanted to be when I grow up?

It took some time for me to remember that at one point in my young life, I wanted to be a lawyer. I had a relative who was a lawyer and when my mom and I visit him in his office, he was always dressed up and he looked really stylish and neat. So I thought I wanted to be just like him someday (not to marry him okay. My sexual preferences and orientation were still pretty much intact when I was a kid).

I have an aunt who was a pre-school teacher for so many years. So there was a short period in my life that I wanted to be like her, I thought all she did is play with the kids. But then, she always had to work till late in the evening checking papers and preparing exams. So that didn't last either.

I also wanted to be pilot because I've always wanted to see the world. While other kids wanted to be a doctor or an engineer, I wanted to be a nurse so I can take care of my parents and grandparents (without having to spend so many years in school).

I forgot all the other dreams I had, but I am sure of something, it was a lot. And looking back, I realized that I didn't get to be anything that I dreamed myself to be. I took up my course (Bachelor of Science in Physical Therapy, De La Salle University Health Sciences Campus) in college because, it was, as I was told, the most "in demand" field at that time and not because that was where my heart was. I've grown to love it though but mainly because I had to, I thought of shifting to another course but I got scared of change. I graduated cum laude and topped my board exams.

But there are days when I'm curious about what my life would have been like if I pursued even one of my childhood dreams.

Maybe, just maybe, I'd be happier. Maybe, I'd have more energy to do what I have to accomplish for more than 8 hours of my life each day. Maybe, I'd feel more fulfilled.

Maybe…

But I realized that I had a choice and I decided to choose the choices I made. It may not be the best, but I learned to accept things as they come and be thankful for whatever I have. Sure, I made mistakes. And yes, I made the wrong decisions. But no matter how big or how little those mistakes were, I learned a lot from each one of them. And it made me the kind of person that I am now.

I may not be as successful as what I envisioned myself to be, or I may not be as rich, or not at all famous. But I'm proud of the fact that I'm making the most out of my life and with what I have. And I'm quite happy with how my life turned out.

Everyday, we face a lot of choices. We answer a lot of questions. Where to eat, what to wear, what road to take, whether to stay or to go, whether to take the promotion or to move on to other things. It's hard to take the "other" route when you're comfortable wherever it is that you are. But there are decisions in life worth doing just for the heck of it --- to grow and to continue to be challenged. Because after all, that's what living is about.

Come to think of it, I didn't become a nurse, but I took care of my grandparents when they got sick a few years back. I didn't become a pilot, but I had the chance to see other places and countries. I didn't become a teacher, but I know that you don't necessarily have to be one to teach people what you know about life…

So that only leaves being a lawyer…

Well, three out of four ain't that bad, right?

Color Everywhere

Color is a form of energy.

This energy affects us both physically and emotionally. From packaging in the products we buy to the color of suit and tie a lawyer wears, color is used all over in our world to influence us.

Below is a list of colors, their meanings, and suggestions on using them:

Red.

It’s known for being a "power color".

In small amounts it can promote positive thinking. On the other hand, too much of a good thing can create irritability, nervousness, stress and even anger.

Use a red appointment book to emphasize your importance in the world.

Orange.

Lifts your spirit.
Creates vitality.

Can be a great antidepressant.

Try a glass of fresh orange juice in the morning to get a peppy start on the day.

Yellow.

The color of happiness.

This color creates an optimistic attitude.

Good for helping make decisions.

Can't make up your mind? Use a yellow legal pad to list pros and cons.

Green.

Lowers stress and gives a feeling of comfort.

Add some more plants to your home or office.

If you are a serial plant murderer like myself, fake ones will work! ;o)

Blue.

Relaxes the body and opens the mind.

Be a kid again sometime and lie in the grass and watch the sky.

Purple .

The color of royalty.

Promotes self confidence.

Also the color of passion.

Buy yourself or the love in your life a bouquet of Freesia.

Don't go overboard.

Sometimes too much of a good thing can have ill effects.

You Complete Me Not

The misconception of humans about love and relationship is that having someone with us will make us complete.

But the fact is, Love is extending one's self to another. It means that before we enter a relationship, we should already be COMPLETE.

Otherwise, if we think that having someone will make us complete, it's not a relationship. It's dependence and it may not work out.

When you are happy about yourself and you learn to love yourself, you may probably need not a partner (to a certain extent).

Right now, I'm trying to love myself more and to accept completeness. What happens next will be another story.

But for some who may be losing hope, this affirmation may help:

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gold mine you are, doesn't mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be topped, doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share your life, doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile, doesn't give you permission to stop running.
Just because no one has realized how much of a man/woman you are, doesn't mean they can affect your masculinity or femininity.

Just because no one has come to take the loneliness away, doesn't mean you have to settle for a lower quality.

Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.

Just because you deserve the very best there is, doesn't mean that life is always fair.

Just because God is still preparing your king/queen, doesn't mean that you're not already queen/king.

Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now, doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining…

Keep running…

Keep hoping…

Keep dreaming...

Keep praying…

Keep being exactly what you are already.

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow.

If they succeed in loving the distance between them, this makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.

I think most of us do

I think I noticed when things started to change...

I think most of us do...

The hugs were quicker, the phone calls were shorter, and they weren't every night. We didn't hurry to the place where we said we'd meet. The "I love you's" felt more like a forced, daily routine, and really had no meaning.

When we saw each other, the smiles weren't as bright, or as big. Our thoughts weren't only of each other.

We seemed uninterested…

We felt unloved.

We had too many doubts...

I think I noticed when things started to change...

I think most of us do.

Questioning Christianity

Question: If God created everything, then didn’t he create hell, too? If he created hell, then is hell good, since everything God created was good?

Answer: Hell is primarily an eternal state of separation between God and those creatures (angels and humans) who have permanently chosen to reject him. God created free will, which is good, but hell is the result of the abuse of free will. God did not create hell; he only allowed for its possibility. Thus it cannot be said that hell is good.

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Question: Can God do literally anything? Make square circles? Make 1 + 1 = 72? If he can't do these things, is it safe to say that he cannot do literally "anything"?

Answer: God can do all things that are possible (Matt. 19:26). He cannot do what is, for him, impossible, including to sin or to create logical impossibilities (e.g., square circles, mathematical errors, rocks too heavy for him to lift). While God can do things that are impossible for man (Luke 18:27), he cannot do what is impossible for himself.
This does not mean that God is not omnipotent; it means only that his power does not negate itself.

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Question: Is it necessary to confess how many times one has sinned?

Answer: To the best of your ability you should confess how many times you committed each grave sin. The Code of Canon Law is clear on this point:

A member of the Christian faithful is obliged to confess in kind and number all grave sins committed after baptism and not yet remitted directly through the keys of the Church nor acknowledged in individual confession, of which the person has knowledge after diligent examination of conscience. (CIC 988)

If you don’t know an exact number, you can give a best estimate or provide an approximation (e.g., "several times"). If you forget to do this or later remember additional occurrences of grave sins, your sins are still forgiven, but you should remember to acknowledge those sins at your next confession.

An Ode to a Friend

Sometimes someone comes into your live and changes everything, raises the standards, makes you laugh, and makes you feel like you.

When I look back at my life, I can recall very few times where I felt really grateful of the things that came my way. One such instance was a few months ago when, in the midst of my dull dreary life, I met Merito Niño Miguel.

Looking back, it’s easy to get melodramatic about the experiences we had to go through as friends. Just writing this takes me back on that rainy Saturday night when I first met him in person at SM North EDSA, alongside two of his friends.

I met Merito through Jon, a friend from an online community who happens to be one of Merito’s best buds. With his wit and charms, we instantly hit as friends and soon found ourselves enjoying hours of chatting on the net --- from the most trivial to the most consequential stuff.

Boy I tell you, this guy is loaded. He doesn’t even have to work a single day of his oh-so-fabulous life to survive. But don’t mistake him to mere material stuff. Fact of the matter is he’s got way more than that.

Standing at a statuesque height of 5'10, Merito has the body to die for. He has the fairest skin of all and a smile that literally tells toothpaste commercial models, “Alright, you may now retire.” But Merito is more than just what pleases the eye, he is brilliant, good-natured and funny. No one but him could ever deliver punch lines that will keep you laughing your ass out… and I mean literally laughing your ass out for several hours at that.



His attention-grabbing smile may seem to send off a delicate façade, but behind it, incontestably, is one tough guy who is driven towards achieving his goals in life. Albeit younger, he has always been a “kuya” to me, always giving me advices on love and on life.

Merito is a seasoned survivor. He had been through a lot himself. Hearing his stories and the sacrifices he had to endure for the sake of his family and friends make me admire him more. Where others would have walked away out of humiliation and shame, Merito faced life head high, keeping his morals and principles intact --- a living proof that you can never put a good guy down.

Sometimes we stand outside life --- waiting for a door to open to us, hoping the person behind that door will let us in and be our friend. I was once on the outside until a door opened to me and behind it I found not only a friend in Merito, but a whole new world --- a brotherhood, in the arms of his warm welcoming friends.

Now I stand behind that door on the inside, helping to open it for someone else who stands where I once stood. From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it.

Without even realizing it, Merito taught me a lot of things, not only about life, but about what true friendships can be like.

Please do me a favor Merito and never give up... not on yourself, not on other people, not on your dreams... not on anything.

Philippine TV Gone Astray

The problem with most news organizations in the Philippines (and probably everywhere) is that they are owned by corporations and as such, they are constrained by commercial considerations in their operations and time slots.

This year being an election year, news organizations will play a big role in the way people will vote. Afterall, the news is the people’s primary source of information with regards to candidates and platforms. It is therefore important that news organizations present what the voters need. It is their duty, if you ask me.

Unfortunately, most of them are governed by the avarice of profits, hence they are constrained by ratings and ads.

Take for example ABS-CBN’s Forum 2007. It aims to expose senatorial candidates and their ideas to the voting public. However, it is shown on ANC, which is on cable TV, thus the number of people who can watch is limited. It is shown on Channel 2, but at 4AM, who’s going to watch it?

GMA7, on the other hand, has The Philippine Agenda. Instead of dealing with candidates, the show instead focuses on issues that affects the country. It is shown on Channel 7 on Sundays, 7PM. By limiting the show on issues, the producers hope ” to raise viewers’ level of concern and awareness on the country’s recurring problems so that, in turn, they can make sound choices come election day”.

What the people need to know is where do candidates stand on these issues. I’m afraid the GMA show will not address the question at all.

ABS-CBN is unwilling to sacrifice its primetime slots because it is trying to catch up with GMA7, while GMA7 has decided to present something half-useful. The TV news organizations somehow fail to fulfill their functions as conduits of needed information.

I hope radio, online, and print media fare better. But among these, TV is the most potent, and yet most impotent.

My Little Sheltered Delusions

If there were ever a compilation of mourns and rants produced, I guarantee you, this would not be one of them. It's not long, it's not clever, it's not intense, it's not angry, it's not happy, and it's definitely not brilliant.

I'm done.

I've taken all that I can handle, and now I just want out.

I want to be gone.

I want everything to be fresh.

I've given, taken, agreed, approved and walked away bitter. If you consider life a game, the 4th quarter just ended. I wasn't even close to the last quarter, but I think I'm passed the point where I even care.

I played out of my league, out of my style, and out of control.

I'm not the type of person who goes after things. I'm the type who lets life wash whatever tidbits in me that has no longer use.

When I got off my little island to pursue things not so dead and rotting, I discovered life is a little deep.

I can't swim.

I am drowning.

I can only hope that someday destiny will bring me back to my little piece of dry land, where things may not have been good, but at least I could breathe. I must wash all memories of this nightmare out of my mind. I must go back to my little sheltered delusions. I must return to the oblivion that was.

And yet, who am I kidding? It can't be.

No matter how much sun courses through my body while I'm sprawled on the sand, the vision of the water will never disappear. It will haunt me.

What if I had made it?

What if things had worked?

What if life had gone my way?

Meet my new Baby

Name: Compaq Presario V3304TU

Birthday: April 2, 2007

Age: 1 day old

Status: It's complicated

Processor: Intel Core 2 Duo processor T5500
Display: 14.1” WXGA High definition Brightview Widescreen Display (1280x800)
120GB (5400RPM) Hard drive
1024MB 1GB DDR2 SDRAM (2 Dimm)
Intel Graphics Media Accelerator 950 with shared graphics memory
LightScribe Super Multi 8X DVD RW with Double Layer Support
Intel PRO/ Wireless 3945a/b/g 802.11a/b/g/ WLAN and Bluetooth
5-in-1 Digital Media Reader
Express Card/54 PC Card Slot
Expansion Port 3
6-Cell Lithium Ion Battery
Operating System: Genuine Windows Vista Premium
Genuine Microsoft Office 2007

So what do you think of my new baby?