On love and commitments

1)Pressure

When you make a decision to be with someone because of the pressure you feel (from yourself or others) rather than because the person seems right for you, you are giving your power away and ensuring an unhappy end to your love story.

2)Loneliness and Desperation

When you are feeling lonely or desperate, you are much more likely to make poor love choices and end up in unfullfilling relationships.

Be much pickier, Don't lower your standards just because you're feeling times are tough. You're not a store trying to get rid of old merchandise that puts it on sale -- You are a valuable, lovable human being who deserves to have the kind of relationship you want, not just the kind you think you can get.

3)Sexual Hunger

Do you have a s Sexual Hunger Limit (SHL), a period of time beyond which you feel "something is wrong" because you haven't been sexually active? It's good to know your SHL. YOu might want to put it on your calendar as the time approaches, so you can be careful to avoid getting involved with someone for the wrong reason!

4)Distraction from your own life

Some people have relationships because they are bored with the lack of passion and purpose in their lives, and rather than looking within to find out why they feel that way, they get involved in a love affair and make that their purpose. These relationships never work because you aren't in love with the person -- you're in love with the distraction.

5)To avoid growing up

Finding someone to take care of you so you don't have to grow up.

6)Guilt

You remain in romantic situations not because you want to stay, but because you are afraid of what might happen if you left.

When you decide to be with someone out of guilt and not love, you are ripping them and yourself off.

7)To fill up your emotional or spiritual emptiness

If you have deep places of emptiness within you, no partner, regardless of how much they love you, will be able to fill that emptiness.

It is fullness that makes a relationship work, not emptiness.

What’s so Lethal about Dating?

Do you ever wonder when you meet someone if you are meeting the real person or a "representative"? Every now and again, I am reminded of how lethal the dating game can be. It is not for the faint of heart.

And so, my story goes...

OK, so my friend kept insisting I meet this guy. "Just have a drink," she said. She began to beg, so I finally decided to oblige her. I mean she made this guy sound better than sliced bread. The fact that I hadn’t been out on a "real" date in months was also a factor. My post-break-up life was taking some getting used to and I was attempting to get some normalcy back in my life.

We were slated to meet at a nightclub, which I wasn’t too crazy about at first, but I figured dancing would break the ice pretty quickly. Earlier when he and I spoke, he seemed to be intelligent and well spoken. He must have called my cell a dozen times to confirm and reconfirm. Was he overly attentive or a potential stalker? The jury was still out on this one.

I made it to my destination, and he and I hit it off instantly. He had a great sense of humor and was definitely pleasing to the eyes.

He ordered me a glass of margarita and we chatted about everything from work to relationships. After dancing the night away, things ended as sweet as they began and he was the perfect gentleman.

Over the next several days I was wined, dined and swept off my feet. He even took me to his work to meet his officemates. I truly believed this guy was the real thing. Our conversations were great and our time together was enjoyable. I had to pinch myself to make sure this was real.

He talked about living in together. He called me his "soul mate." So I wasn’t at all surprised when he asked me to be his boyfriend. We were compatible on so many different levels, I eagerly accepted. We started to plan our lives together.

There were just two things standing in the way --- Benjo and Kevin, the other two guys he had been seeing while dating me.

As it turns out, this man managed to lie about every aspect of his life. Benjo and Kevin were just two, of many, in his flock. He turned out to be nothing he claimed to be. The signs were there all along, but I made sense out of them at the time. I bet you can relate.

Hindsight is 20/20 and the lessons from this experience were invaluable. So to all of you who love being "in love," meditate on this. Slow down, take your time and check things out objectively. Separate fantasy from reality and trust your instinct.

Always remember, if you play the game in any form, you become the game.

Note to self: Look beneath the surface. The truth lives there.

Unlike "I love you", "I want you" and "I need you..."

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I love you,” with its history of being an accomplice to lies, with its bad reputation as a myth. What is “I love you” but the easy way out, the secret weapon revealed at the ends of long-drawn battles between desperation and despair? “I love you” is what you say when you run out of valid arguments but decide to keep fighting anyway. “I love you” is what you use when you want to appear to be someone you’re not. These are powerful words, powerful in the way that politicians and generals are nowadays, worth their weight in gold. “I love you” has been the pillar of empires and friendships, and their causes for downfall. “I love you” is where you build the tower of your trust, only to see it crumble down when these words are said to someone else. “I love you” is what you use when you want to be unfair, when you want to deliberately hurt. “I love you” throws the whole equation in chaos, unbalances the seesaw. It implies the loss of reason and pride, but is used to manipulate, to blackmail, leaving behind disillusionment and disappointment.

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I want you” with its raw, blatant inconsideration, its implications of a primal need that is best released orgasmically. “I want you” is what spoiled brats say, it’s what selfish bitches say, it’s what horny boys say. “I want you” is harsh, said through clenched teeth, said with wild eyes. “I want you” is a physical sentence, the amalgamation of skin against a number of factors: skin on skin, fingernail on skin, teeth on skin. It is violent and rapid, a whirlwind of emotion, an explosion of saliva and other bodily fluids. These are words that have no origin, they emerge from the basest of instincts, they are triggered by smell, by touch, by the look of rawness in another person’s eyes. These are words that signal the coming of a storm, and like most storms, they wreak havoc and then depart, leaving behind ruin and wounds.

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I need you”, with its childish, clingy implications, its sad, pathetic grievances. “I need you” leaves you open, blinding you to yourself, eradicating all traces of self-respect. “I need you” is the dying breath of a failed relationship. It is the battle cry of an overpowered suitor. These words signal the clinging to memories that are either long gone, or never were. These words bypass true necessity to make fools out of the sayers. These are not words to be used by all; it takes the strongest persons to relay this message correctly. Otherwise all is naught, you only reveal yourself as an empty shell craving for something, anything, to fill it. But then, the strongest persons never have the need to say these words. It’s the irony of life. These words are like taking a knife to your throat and piercing your skin gently, leaving behind a trail of blood too thin for anyone to see, but painful enough for you to feel.

The three words that mean the most, I think, the ones that really hit the mark, and often in the most unexpected of ways, are “I miss you”. This is the sentence that sends the message right home. Because what other message is there? Nothing else, except exactly just that, “I miss you”, and everything else is pulled along into it, like a chain reaction.

Unlike “I love you” and the lies that go along with it, “I miss you” is honest and sincere, you only say it when you mean it, and you don’t have to mean it in a big way to really mean it.

Unlike “I want you” and its expectations, “I miss you” offers all it has, and waits for nothing in return.

Unlike “I need you” and its desperate whines, “I miss you” stands on its own, a whole entity in just three words, devoid of arms that cling to you for life.

“I miss you” means everything and nothing, it is unflinching and honest. It is upbeat and simple, with wisps of longing and clouds of hope. You miss people you used to love, people you used to want, people you used to need. But most of the time the missing is all that’s left, and that’s OK, there’s nothing else you’d change.

The missing implies a past that remains in its rightful place. Or it implies the reality and possibilities of the present. It is hope and love and lust and peace all at the same time. Some people say that when they met that person, it was akin to “coming home”.

And missing is this manifestation of home-sickness, the way people return to their homelands to die, the way all the comfort the world has to offer is nothing compared to the feeling of being in someone’s arms.

And that’s why I miss you, because you’re not here, and because every time I think about you, that’s all that I think.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, and the world turns for both of us, and I can’t wait until you come home.