Him1 and Him2, do you know them?

If you saw him1, you couldn't see him1 loving anyone like he does him2, a boy who never has anything but a smile on his face when he's talking to him2 and how there was no place he would rather be.

If you saw him2, you would see a guy whose heart melts with the sound of his voice, and smile on his face, a guy who wouldn't love any other like him1, no one can take his place.

If you saw them, you would see two people who couldn't be any happier just being next to each other, two people in love, him1 and him2, two people not thinking of another.

If you knew him1, you would know, he's scared of being with him2, he's afraid of feelings he can't show.

If you knew him2, you would know, he doesn't let that stand in his way… he hangs on for the both of them, no matter what he may say.

If you knew them, you would know, they are so far apart, losing sight of how they feel, two people drifting from the heart.

And, if you knew love, you would see, those two are right for each other...

Him1 and Him2, those two are meant to be.

And hey Him1, I still believe in you and me.

Falling in love and falling out of it

Sometimes we fall in love and it feels so great --- so great that we never want to fall out of it...

But sometimes, though we hate to admit, we have to fall out of it… and falling out of love is such a great decision to make...

Actually, it's one decision that can haunt us forever...

Falling out of love doesn't just mean that we don't love the person anymore. It means more than that. It means not wanting the person whom you have thought to be a part of you --- to be a part of your today and tomorrow. It might also mean that you don't want to care for the person anymore. Or rather, that you have grown tired of waiting for that person to come back to you... And that it's that waiting that made you fall out of love...

It might also mean that you can't have what you want, and that you are no longer wanted by the other person. Now that would hurt a lot, but if that is the case, then maybe, falling out of love is the right choice.

But how can a love as sweet as mine be so wrong? How and why would I want to fall out of love from someone I truly care for? Why would I want to start my life all over again when I can just pick up the pieces and go from there? But most of all, why would I want to teach my heart not to love someone whom I have known in my heart, as the one person that I will love forever.

These questions and so much more can be answered by a single word… And that word is "LOVE".

Though we don't want to admit it to ourselves, love has two sides… Falling in love and falling out of love. It has two faces and we tend to forget the one that hurts…

And maybe, this is what I, myself have forgotten. Maybe I have forgotten, that when I let myself fall in love, I also let myself vulnerable to feel the pain of falling out.

This is this risk that I have to accept.

If I want to experience "LOVE" and it is this "LOVE" that has led me to where I am today; maybe it is not all love that will keep us in a relationship... Maybe there's more to it than love… Maybe relationships need more ingredients other than love…

Maybe if patience, loyalty, trust, respect, honesty, and communication are added, then maybe, the relationship will be better.

But what happens when we all know these and more yet we still do fall out of love…

What is next?

Do we fall out of love like a lightning? Do we fall out of love as if we got burned?

No --- we don't...

For falling out of love takes so much of who we are. It takes away our strength and our heart. Falling out of love is like trying to stop something that we are fond of doing, or trying to stop what we like so much...

It can also mess up with our minds... 'Coz when we fall out of love, we try to be so analytical if why it has to end.

So now I ask, if falling out of love is so hard to do, then why do we still have to fall in love in the first place?

God walks with me

Sometimes I don’t know how to ask for help…

I just don’t…

I can get trapped inside my pain. Some nameless thing seems to tear at my insides. I freeze, thinking that if I don’t move, it will go away. So I don’t ask, I don’t talk, and the pain grows.

Does my face look calm?

Don’t be fooled.

I’m just afraid to let you see the truth. You might think I’m foolish or weak. You might reject me. So I don’t talk, and the pain remains.

But I listen…

And through other people God does for me what I can’t do for myself. One of the miracles I have found is that help often comes when I most need it…

When I can’t bring myself to reach out for help, it sometimes comes to me…

When I don’t know what to say, I am given the words I require…

And when I share what is in my heart, I may be giving a voice to someone who cannot find his own.

Today I have God who knows my needs.

As I walk, God is walking with me.

Life in a Plexiglass

I was home alone watching TV last night and I saw a game show where a man stood in a Plexiglasss box, and dollar bills swirled around him in a miniature tornado. I watched as the man tried to catch as many dollar bills as he can.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to me: Life is like that... you can keep whatever you can catch, but it's all whipping past your head so fast, and how were you supposed to tell which were the big bills and which were the small?

How could one train for such an infuriatingly stupid challenge?

How could anybody catch all the beauty in the present moment, when, after years of misery, there was suddenly a day when all the wonderfulness of life unexpectedly blew down from all directions at once?

And how were you supposed to store joy, for the ugly days when the bleakness returns?

I think, at the end of the day, we catch what we can. We try twice as hard as we did yesterday and thrice as hard as we did the day before that. We keep as much as we can in our pockets aside from the prayers we said the night before.

But no one can really prepare for what’s going to happen next. No one knows when the wind will blow on the opposite direction.

However, if we have faith in our hearts, unknowingly, we could have caught the really big bills… and unknowingly, we have so much spare we could rest for a day.

Just for a day…

Truth Hurts

I read a friend’s blog today and I felt sad…

There’s nothing wrong about what he wrote. He was just being honest… Retelling things as they happened… Besides, he has every right to screw around…

But there’s just something in the manner he wrote it… maybe it’s the candidness of what transpired… or the sharpness of his words… His last statement was so blunt I almost felt numb…

I mean, I am perfectly happy being his friend; in fact I love it... I just have this incredible urge to kiss him, that doesn't go away and this feeling that we would be perfect together…

It haunts me…

Vain Wishes and Childish Fantasies

What do you do when you feel like there's no hope left, nothing better coming along, no future but one filled with sadness and pain? What do you do when your sorrow and fear is so strong that hot and cold flashed wash over your body, every part of your body throbs and aches, your head pulses with a dull hum, and your stomach burns ulcerously? What do you do when you feel yourself spiraling into a dark hole of torment; unable to stop your fall and certain that no one is to blame but yourself?

Maybe you would make yourself so busy that you wouldn't have time to think about it. I was like that once; that was all my life was about for a while --- working so hard and so many hours that I didn't have time to let anything come to the surface. I can't do that anymore, though. There's too much to hold back, and now that it has been flowing for a while it won't be denied any longer.

Maybe you would confront your demons and your fears and decide what you needed to defeat them. I've tried that, but the things I need can't be had... not most of them anyhow. And the few things I might have a chance to get are not mine to take but for others to grant, and there is no one to offer these things.

Maybe you would just end it --- suicide sure seems better than what looks like a constant future of pain and suffering and hopelessness. Nah, this one's not for me. I know that I have no idea of what there is to live for, but I can't actually see what there is to gain from death either. I mean, I'm in hell now, and I'll probably be in hell later --- what's the difference?

Maybe you would pray. I can't. I did for a while, but I can't. If there is a God, he gave up on me a long time ago, and I really doubt he was ever on my side to begin with. If there is a God and I have had this fucked up of a life, why should I think that God would ever do anything differently in the future?

Maybe you would turn that pain onto the outside world, hurt those who have carelessly hurt you. I've thought about it, I really have. But I can't. All of the pain and hurt I receive, all of the anger and fear I develop - everything gets turned inward. I know deep down that all of my pain is, because of this, my own fault to some extent. I can't bear the alternative, though. I fear hurting anyone (possibly more than anything else)

Maybe...

Maybe you would die inside a little bit more each day, becoming empty and beyond redemption, destitute and disenfranchised. This is all I know now. I wish for someone to help, but wishes are vain, childish fantasies.

There is no great hero.

There is no white knight.

There is no fair prince.

There is no savior.

And no one will ever come to save me... or kill me. I will simply be left to suffer.

So, what do I do when I feel like there's no hope left, nothing better coming along, no future but one filled with sadness and pain?

Tell me...

Keep The Faith

When we were little, life worked perfectly.

No matter what happened, everything turned out alright in the end. Scraped knees, canceled play dates, dropped ice cream cones --- we would cry for a short time, but by the end of the day, everything would be perfect.

And now as we've grown older, we've lost the faith as we stumble through each day, crying over broken hearts, lost friendships, and lost dreams.

It seems like life and perfection have turned their backs on us, but really its just that we've grown up.

As children we didn't pay attention to such details about our daily lives, but now we are more aware, and little details seem to be amplifying our pain. But just remember that when we were younger, life was hard too, but we had faith in perfection because we could look past faults.

So don't lose your faith.

Learn to know that each day will pass, each heartache will be mended, and everything will be perfect in the end.

Just keep your faith.

Did You Know That...

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart are real weak and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: I love you, Sorry and help me? The people who say these are actually in need of them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself, if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold.

AND DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON ME?

AT THE MOMENT, TIME AND PLACE THAT YOU NEED ME, CALL ME, I WILL BE THERE.

One day, we will change the world... or we are already changing it.

THE BALL IS NOW IN YOUR COURT...

If the world were to end in 24 hours, all the phone lines, chat rooms and e-mails will be saturated from people sending messages to others, saying: "I regret having made you feel bad", "Pardon me", "I love you", "I hold you in high esteem", take good care of yourself" and sometimes "I have always loved you, only I never told you".

Let's all make the most of today. =)

That I assume you already know. *wink*