Vain Wishes and Childish Fantasies

What do you do when you feel like there's no hope left, nothing better coming along, no future but one filled with sadness and pain? What do you do when your sorrow and fear is so strong that hot and cold flashed wash over your body, every part of your body throbs and aches, your head pulses with a dull hum, and your stomach burns ulcerously? What do you do when you feel yourself spiraling into a dark hole of torment; unable to stop your fall and certain that no one is to blame but yourself?

Maybe you would make yourself so busy that you wouldn't have time to think about it. I was like that once; that was all my life was about for a while --- working so hard and so many hours that I didn't have time to let anything come to the surface. I can't do that anymore, though. There's too much to hold back, and now that it has been flowing for a while it won't be denied any longer.

Maybe you would confront your demons and your fears and decide what you needed to defeat them. I've tried that, but the things I need can't be had... not most of them anyhow. And the few things I might have a chance to get are not mine to take but for others to grant, and there is no one to offer these things.

Maybe you would just end it --- suicide sure seems better than what looks like a constant future of pain and suffering and hopelessness. Nah, this one's not for me. I know that I have no idea of what there is to live for, but I can't actually see what there is to gain from death either. I mean, I'm in hell now, and I'll probably be in hell later --- what's the difference?

Maybe you would pray. I can't. I did for a while, but I can't. If there is a God, he gave up on me a long time ago, and I really doubt he was ever on my side to begin with. If there is a God and I have had this fucked up of a life, why should I think that God would ever do anything differently in the future?

Maybe you would turn that pain onto the outside world, hurt those who have carelessly hurt you. I've thought about it, I really have. But I can't. All of the pain and hurt I receive, all of the anger and fear I develop - everything gets turned inward. I know deep down that all of my pain is, because of this, my own fault to some extent. I can't bear the alternative, though. I fear hurting anyone (possibly more than anything else)

Maybe...

Maybe you would die inside a little bit more each day, becoming empty and beyond redemption, destitute and disenfranchised. This is all I know now. I wish for someone to help, but wishes are vain, childish fantasies.

There is no great hero.

There is no white knight.

There is no fair prince.

There is no savior.

And no one will ever come to save me... or kill me. I will simply be left to suffer.

So, what do I do when I feel like there's no hope left, nothing better coming along, no future but one filled with sadness and pain?

Tell me...