You don’t get to call me pathetic

You get to visit my site. You get to view my photos. You get to read my blogs. But you don’t get to post malicious comments on it. You don’t get to call me names. You don’t get to call me pathetic!!

How dare you!

Few days ago, you surprised me with your comment on my multiply account. (I don’t know how you got my multiply address but that is the least of my concerns. Besides this is a public account.)You pretended to be my ex boyfriend and was asking me if I could delete our photos which were taken when we were still a couple.

The first question I asked myself was, “What the fcuk? Why only now? Why not 4 months ago? And why create a dummy multiply account when you (if you’re really my ex) could have easily texted me on my cellphone? I never changed my number. That will save you a lot of time and energy right?”

So, being the bitch that I am, of course I decided I wouldn’t delete the photos. Why should I do that in the first place? I mean, those were “archived pictures”. They were posted in my site, taken by my camera with consent of the people in the photos. For whatever they’re worth, I would like them to remain in my site. Not to brag to the world that once I had a bf but that once in my life I loved... and I loved well...

However, knowing that I am being biased to myself, I told my friends about what happened and asked them if I should delete the photos. I asked them to be as neutral as possible --- taking into consideration that my ex already has a new bf and that seeing the pictures we had before might cause a bit of a problem on their end. I know for a fact that my friends will tell me what I needed to hear.

My friends told me not to delete them. They don’t see any reason why I should. They said it was a part of my past and they were old pictures. They were on the archived albums already. Also, they said that I always give a disclaimer to the people commenting on it that we already broke up. That I am single...

I thought the dilemma was over; I went on with my usual life without a heavy heart. But yesterday, I received a message from you --- this time on my friendster account. You are scary. The message reads: “Subject line: Vince... Body: “I’m his boyfriend, and I’m not comfortable seeing your pics in multiply which were just posted recently... aren't you over him yet? What’s the point of showing the world that as if you're still together and to use marvince as your profile name? He already asked you to remove the pics right? If you wanna get over him and move on, it's not a good way of doing it... pathetic!” end of message....

BP: 140/120, pulse rate: 200bpm. I could have sworn that I really lost my cool after reading your message to me. There were so many things going on in my mind that my neurons were sending impulses at a speed not known to man. I took a breather and analyzed your message. Although I would have appreciated if your email was not as poorly constructed as it was, here is my response to all your baseless accusations.

First, I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to see our pics together. Maybe you should do yourself a favour and get away from my photo albums. You don’t have to visit my site every 30minutes you know. Or better yet, maybe I could do you a favour and block you from my site so you don’t ever have to worry about feeling uncomfortable ever again. Fine. You get the right to feel uncomfortable but please don’t think even for a minute that I will be the one to make you comfortable again. That is just to much to ask.

Second, the reason why the pictures were just posted a few months back was because I only started my multiply account two months ago. So please forgive multiply if they are not letting people post pictures without an account. Makes sense?

Third, in your message you said “What’s the point of showing the world that as if you're still together and to use marvince as your profile name?” How dare you! If you happen to spend some time reading my blogs and not concentrate morning over the pictures on my photo albums, it will occur to you that the whole world pretty much know that I already broke up with my ex bf and that though I am having a hard time moving on, I am not making it look as if we are still together. The last thing I would like is for us to get back together. If that gives you a little bit of solace, go ahead and suit yourself.

Fourth, about the photos, let me tell you that I will not delete them on my site. So please stop harassing me. What are you so insecure anyway? I have the pictures of yesterday. You have the boy. You have the pictures of today and tomorrow. Wanna trade place? You get to take the man of my dreams away from me. You get to take the future I once hoped for. But you don’t get to take away my memories. Those are the only thing I have left.

Fifth, I will tell when I will move on, or how I will move on or what I will do to move on. You don’t enter my life and shove it to my ass that you know better. You don’t get to be a smart ass. Not on me at least. You don’t get to tell me what to do and if I’m doing it right or not. You don’t know what hell I’ve been through for the past 3 months and if you have some self respect left even just for a bit, you will keep your unsolicited advice to yourself and shut up. Because you don’t get to judge me. Not you.

Lastly, and most important of all, remember this, you don’t get to call me pathetic!
It’s funny how for one second I was actually willing to trade places with you. Sure, you have the boy and that makes you one heck of a lucky guy. But I figured, I’d rather be single (not alone) than be you!

I don’t want to feel rotten inside.

Maybe I’ll take the road to moral perdition or take the road to redemption. Personally, I don’t want to call you pathetic just because you called me pathetic; I don’t want to judge you just because you make it sound like you know me to the bones, I don’t want to. I don’t want to converge with you and with people of your caliber.

PS.
If you don’t stop harassing me, I will post your friendster address here. I swear.

Changing Changes

“The more things change, the more they stay the same.”

I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change…

I don't think I'm alone in this.

I remember Oprah saying that the reason why she doesn’t want to get married is because she doesn’t want to change for anyone… she doesn’t want to compromise.

But compromise is fine with me. I even think change is good, but I just can’t.

The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still...

It feels safer somehow.

And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse…

So you maintain the status quo.

Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person.

I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.

But you… you know…

You’ll notice it.

Inside you that change feels like a world of difference.

And you hope this is it.

This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

That he’ll love you just the way you are.

I will treasure this for as long as I get an erection

After dinner, we went home... together... holding hands...

I was looking up at the night sky, and I could see everything… the stars… planets… galaxies… and I felt so small… Like a tiny speck that is here for only one moment in time, and then gone…

And while I’m here, I want to be with him and the people I love, because, when I’m with you guys, I don't feel that small... that's what I learned.

Am I in love?

Yes love... For this in the end is what we have. The love of something...

There is much to love, and that love is what we are left with... We can never let the world take our memories of love away, and if there are no memories, we must invent love all over again...

The wheel turns. Blue above, green below, we wander a long way, but love is what the cup of our soul contains when we leave the world and the flesh.

But then he has to go... The clock says its 9pm.

He gave me a silent look and bid goodbye... "You still have work at 12, I won’t keep you so you could rest. Text me okay?"

I just grinned and said to myself, "Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss... But every once in awhile you find someone who's iridescent, and when you do, nothing will ever compare…”

I accompanied him to the gate, waved at him and watch him closely as he disappeared in oblivion...

I just hope he knew...

Nothing compares to him...

What’s inside your bag?

I always carry a bag (courtesy of Kissmark boutique, ground floor Glorieta) when I go the office. There are just some things that I can't live without. So since I have been receiving hundreds of personal messages requesting for me to stop writing about sad thoughts, I decided to write something different for a change... hahaha.

Besides, this prince right here wants to know “you” better. So, hopefully, when your done reading this, you'll post a comment with the things we can find inside your bag. I would like to know what’s inside your bag as well.

This is fun right?

My last blog was viewed 208 times but there were like what? 4 comments on it? So please, don't be shy. Let us know what's inside your backpack, travel bag, messenger bag, purse... whatever...

Here's what you'll find in mine:

Perfume (Kenzo) --- because I always like to smell good. You’ll never know when you’ll meet Mr. Right, right? Haha. I mean, it can happen practically anywhere.

Mobile phone --- I have two phones (1 for globe and the other for Sun). I have my globe number since time immemorial. People from way back when I was in high school knows that number. Yes, yes, yes. I am not part of the 25 million strong, 25 million smart. Hehehe. I need my phone to keep in touch with my family. I live alone here in Makati right, so this is the only way to communicate with them. Also, I need phone for work. I receive text messages from my agents informing me that they will be coming in late for work (tama ba ako froggy? Haha) and from my boss regarding some important updates. If you have a boyfriend and or a girlfriend, you probably know why a mobile phone is very important. It lets you know if they are cheating on you or not. Hahaha. Kidding.

Digital Camera (7.5 Mega pixel black slim cam) --- Why on earth would I be tagged as a cam whore if I don’t have a camera right? Her name is Cass. I love her so much. She captures all the important memories of my life. I could never miss a moment --- be it with friends, acquaintances, family and loved ones. Who knows, they might not happen again. So might as well capture the moment while it’s there.

Credit Card, ATM and an extra Globe Prepaid card --- I don’t carry much cash with me because I tend to loose it or spend it LOL, so ATM and credit cards are my best pals. Globe prepaid card because I always always run out of load in a middle of a very important phone calls. It’s always smart to carry an extra globe load right? Haha

iPod --- for cool music and stress management. What’s inside my iPod? --- Exercise soundtrack, cleaning soundtrack, Spa sounds, sizzling sounds, Meal Mellowness, End Road Rage, Personal Enrichment, Quick Laughs and meditation music.

Nivea Hand Moisture Boost Gel Crème – to keep my hands hydrated and refreshed… for that H-H-W-W (holding hands while walking) moments.

Victoria’s Secret Beauty Rush Lip-gloss --- this was given to me by my cousin when she and her family visited us here in the Philippines first quarter of this year. I always want my lips soft… always ready for that tender, gentle kiss… hahaha

Olay Total Effects Facial Cleanser and moisturizer --- midway during my shift, my face tends to look so tired and lifeless, so to keep that fresh look, we need to cleanse and moisturize.

Mouthwash, dental floss, breath spray and deo --- I think this is very much self-explanatory. Brushing just ain’t enough.

Jergen’s Shea Butter Skin Moisturizer --- I had always been fascinated with Shea butter. I like the smell and I like what it does to my skin. My body wash is St. Ives Oatmeal with shea butter. It smells really good, just like the scent you get after a SPA session. Shea butter is known especially for its cosmetic properties as a moisturizer and emollient. It is also a known anti-inflammatory agent. Shea butter can be effective at treating the following conditions: fading scars, eczema, burns, rashes, acne, severely dry skin, blemishes, dark spots, skin discolorations, chapped lips, stretch marks, wrinkles and in lessening the irritation of psoriasis. Shea butter provides natural UV sun protection although the level of protection is extremely variable, ranging from none at all to approximately SPF3 so should not be relied on. Shea butter absorbs rapidly into the skin without feeling greasy.

Gatsby Oil Clear Sheet --- there’s a saying that goes, “Oiliness is next to Ugliness”, so I keep my self shine-free… hahaha

Shades --- its summer and the heat is excruciating. And since I get out of work at 9:30AM (loser me), I really need this to help protect my eyes from the sun.

Rosary, Novena Booklet and prayer book --- I never leave the house without them. I feel safer and more secured when I know that they are just an arms length away from me.

Keys --- to my apartment

Company I.D. --- for proper identification

Pen --- for signing important documents


Call me vain and all, but these are important things to me --- not just to look good but also to feel good about myself.

I think, everyone will agree with me that having a good hygiene will make you more endearing and charming to others.

So, what’s inside your bag?

I wanna know.

Life sucks, then you die

We're all trapped.

Each of us is stuck being who we are. Sometimes we fight to change ourselves, but ultimately this has little effect. We can change what we do, but we cannot change who we are.

If you're a happy person, you don't feel trapped.

If you're surrounded by people who you love and who love you… if you can do what you want to do in life… if you are at peace with who you are why would you ever feel trapped? You wouldn't want to change yourself; you wouldn't need to try.

If you're a happy person, hey, you got lucky! Go back to the previous page, you'll find nothing of interest here.

I am not a happy person.

Well, I used to be. There are days when I am a happy person, but today is not one of those days. Maybe you're not either. Maybe you're too fat, or too thin, too old, or too young. Maybe you're ugly and nobody wants to sleep with you. Maybe everyone wants to sleep with you, but nobody loves you and it's all meaningless. Maybe your body is fucked up and you're in pain all the time. Maybe your mind is fucked up and you're in pain all the time.

So you struggle with all these problems year after year, and you're getting nowhere, and you wonder if anything will ever change. And the unavoidable reality of it all is that, for you, life sucks.

But of course you're not going to give up so easily, you're going to keep struggling to solve your problems, to change yourself, to find happiness, wherever it is, whatever it is.

But still, life sucks.

And you see all these people out there who are blissfully free of your problems, and if they can do it, there must be some way for you to as well.

But they aren't doing you any good at all, they don't understand what it's like being you, and what good would it do you if they did understand?

So, the forces which created you, random or otherwise, have spoken.

And they've determined that, for you..

Well, life sucks.

Culture Jam

Culture is is no longer created by the people.

Our stories, once passed from one generation to the next by parents, neighbours and teachers, are now told by distant corporations with "something to sell as well as tell".

Brands, products, fashions, celebrities, entertainments --- the spectacles that surround the production of culture --- are "our culture" now.

Our role is mostly to listen and watch --- and then, based on what we have heard and seen, to buy.

Why can't the end come now?

I can't think of anything to write today.

All I can think about is how sad I feel - how much it hurts.

It's been another bad day, and I can't express how sad I am. Everything I see makes me sadder. And I just can't stand it. I think I'm going insane.

I have no more strength for this.

No more fortitude.

No more stamina.

It hurts, and I want someone to hold me while I cry ---

…cry out a life of loneliness and sorrow

…cry out the loss of all of my hopes and dreams

…cry out the desperate longings that will never be answered.

I have passed fear and now only know infinite sadness… sadness without measure and without end… a sadness that knows only solutions which can never be.

But rather than make another lengthy Journal entry about how pathetic I am, I'm just going to end it at this.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have something worthwhile to write.

There is no one to help. I am alone.

Destitute.

Empty.

Soulless.

Why can't the end come now?