Please, not again...

I hate when I get so frustrated . Everything just goes wrong at once, and I try so hard to fight it.
But the tears, they always come.

I'm so scared of falling, cause once I do, it's fight after fight to get back up.

It could take days, months, years even.

I don't know if I have that kind of strength anymore.

Please, don't let me fall...

How am I?

Every time someone asks me that question, I say, "I'm fine, thank you," but to be honest, I'm not.

Do people really want to know how you feel when they ask how are you? Or are they just trying to be polite?

The next time the woman across the road from my apartment says to me, 'how are you?' I'm going to say to her:

"Well, actually, I'm not very well at all, thank you. I'm feeling a bit depressed and lonely. Pissed off at the world. Envious of you and your perfect little family but not particularly envious of your husband for having to live with you."

And then I'll tell her about how I started a new job and met lots of new people and how I'm trying hard to pick myself up but that I'm now at a loss about what else to do.

Then I'll tell her how it pisses me off when everyone says time is a healer when at the same time they also say absence makes the heart grow fonder, which really confuses me because that means that the longer he's gone the more I want him.

I'll tell her that nothing is healing at all and that every morning I wake up in my empty bed it feels like salt is being rubbed into those unhealing wounds.

And then I'll tell her about how much I miss my partner and about how worthless my life seems without him. How uninterested I am in getting on with things without him, and I'll explain how I feel like I'm just waiting for my world to end so that I can join him.

She'll probably just say, "Oh that's good," like she always does, kiss her husband good-bye, hop into her car, and drop her kids at school, go to work, make the dinner and eat the dinner, and go to bed with her husband and she'll have it all done while I'm still trying to decide what color shirt to wear to work.

What do you think?

Sigh... life... it's messy... (at least mine is)

A great theme fo a great life

It's not death

I worry about

It's life that will bury us all

It's the frustration of finishing the day

In the exact same place you started it

If you are lucky

It's not sorrow

It's getting hard to handle

It's being optimistic that grinds us to dust

With nothing to hope for you take it as it comes

And it only comes close to what you wish it will

If you are lucky

It's not the sound of noise that you really hate

It's the silence that comes and covers your soul

You can learn to live with noise; it's a sound of life

It's the sound of silence that makes you feel dead

If you are lucky

It's being surrounded by noise

Being sad and preferably dead

That I really wish for

If I'm lucky.

A great writer once said, that a great book requires a great theme.

So does a great life.

An endless stream of books are meaningless and will not last as great literature, because they do not have a great theme.

So it is with people.

All too much in human history is wasted and meaningless because there is no great theme, no great purpose in life. Men and women have a deep hunger in life for meaning and purpose, but so often they are afraid to let go of a self-centered ego.

To have a great theme in life involves taking a risk of moving beyond the narrow limitations of myself and discovering our true self where Jesus is at the center: nurturing, healing and empowering us to be men and women for others.

Here is our great theme, our meaning and purpose…

On a lighter note

Break-ups are always painful if you ever care about each other. Both people are often wounded, and hurt each other with emotional reactions. But break-ups can reveal more about our heart and fears if we let the Spirit instruct us through the painful times. In my experience, when I'm hurting most is when the Spirit draws near to give comfort and insight.

We never know how things will work out. All we can really do is act the best we can in our particular circumstances. Remember that what lies in store for us isn't always that which we immediately hope for.

We can't dictate terms and expectations from God. His blessings probably exceed the little concerns we're struggling for. You may not be able to change the situation, but you can always try to grow through the challenges you're experiencing. It has more to do with HOW you handle the situation than how it turns out.

The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.