Another Box

Forrest Gump once said: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you’ll never know what you’re gonna get.” But, I say: “Life is like a box of chocolates: a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift no one ever asks for.” --- Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates….

Another box of cheap crap..

So you're stuck with this mostly indefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat during lunch break or a game.

Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but it's gone too soon and the taste is fleeting.

In the end you're left with nothing but broken bits of hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but useless brown paper wrappers.

Keep going, keep living, and it will get better.

I've been there... haven't you? You know your relationship can use some fine-tuning, but for the most part you feel secure. Think again. Before, during and even after a break-up you get to find out just how selfish the 'dumper' is. The deceit, the crushed dreams and hearts. It really does hurt and it seems that life will never, ever be the same. But it will.

The bad thing about getting dumped or abandoned is it costs us our self-esteem. We feel a full tidal wave of rejection bring us to our knees, sucking the wind out of our sails. We form an inner-hate and get caught in a self-destructive mode. We create within ourselves intense feelings of rejection, isolation, and a profound loss of love, acceptance, and control.

When we are dumped it creates a grief that is far more intense than the loss of love through death. With death the person who has died has not consciously elected to withdraw their love for you. You get a sense of closure and finalization. Death has no possibilities of changing its mind! But when we are dumped the person has made the decision to withdraw from you and desert you. They have rejected you, turned their back to you, and, often times, moved on to someone else.

Getting 'dumped' hurts like hell. It sucker-punches the air out of us and leaves us feeling alone, lost, and hopeless. We lose our very selves when the person we love makes the conscious decision to leave us.

The grief of being abandoned can quickly progress to extreme sadness, self-doubt, insecurity, and fear. Abandonment drains our self-esteem. It can lead to depression, addictions, compulsions, and uncontrollable anxiety or panic attacks. In extreme cases, some are left with suicidal thoughts. If left unresolved, abandonment can interfere with - or even prevent - any healthy future relationships. Once in this cycle, we will often find ourselves abandoned over and over again, as we become either blocked from fully connecting to others, or struggle with extreme-attachment for fear of being abandoned again. We may accept abuse and infidelity, just to avoid feelings of abandonment. Sometimes we remain in a panic-like state of obsessiveness and hyper-vigilance towards our abandoner, or inner focused on our own pain and hurt. We often carry with us feelings of being deserted, needy, and demoralized. Eventually, our lack of self-control makes us feel like a victim within our own creation, causing self-hatred, harm, or injury.

Curing the grief that surrounds you is to find happiness within you. Sounds impossible, but it isn't. It is not only very possible, it has been there all along. If it weren't, you would have curled up in a ball at the foot of the one who left you, and died. And, yes, you might have felt that way, but did you do it? No! Because you still know, buried deep inside of you, that your ex was not the be-all to your life. And how do I know that? You have the courage and the desire to 'continue on'. You believe in you, you have faith in life, and you are aware of your capacity to love again. A new and better life is not only possible, not only probable, but also a plain and simple fact.

You hurt, right? Well...look at it this way. You loved someone. You loved them very much. And they abandoned you. You thought the world of them and they crushed your heart and stole your dreams. Wow - so much power they have...to be able to inflict such heavy and massive destruction to your well-being. Your ex is the first thought in your head when you wake and the last when you go to sleep. And this constant dwelling confuses you. You actually come to believe that you love them and need them far more than you actually do.

Let me point out that many who make the choice to leave and end a relationship do not set out directly to cause hurt and pain. Their main goal; is to find happiness and personal fulfillment, not to directly cause hurt to someone they care about.

But it still hurts.

I "HEART" You

I realized after several failed relationships that the word "love" is very difficult to define. It means many different things to many different people. Not only does each person think differently on what "love" is, but there are so many different types of love that it's really hard to pinpoint a simple statement.

I believe we were all born with a need in our heart that says, "Love me!" We are all searching for something that is missing in our hearts. Someone to "mesh" with, that perfect “WHATEVER” that will fulfill that empty spot in our heart - whether through sports, relationships, jobs, hobbies, etc…

If I love my boyfriend, this means that I do all in my power to make him happy and expect nothing in return. If he were to love me, he would do the same. Imagine that, the world walking around with people totally content and happy in their relationships!

How many times have I heard someone say, "This is a partnership, I do 50% and you do 50%". Boy, that means that you are only going to be satisfied 50% of the time! How horrible. What if (let's dream for a little bit here) we said to our partner, "I am going to give you 100% of myself and I expect the same in return?” Aren't we still saying, "I expect a partnership"? Aren't we saying that you need to uphold your part of this partnership, and I'll uphold mine?

I need to add that "love" isn't expecting something from someone or something. It shouldn't be the focus - that of receiving something. It's giving. Have you ever heard the song, "Love is a Verb?” Webster's defines a verb as: "... expressing action" Therefore, if we look at love as an action, we really can't be sitting back waiting for someone to shower us with affection or whatever else it is we are expecting.

Shouldn't it be the other way around? If "love" is an action (which I think it is), we would then look at it as doing something for the object of our affection as opposed to receiving.

Love is more than sending flowers, holding hands, or any of those sweet things that look like love. Love, true love, is a commitment. It’s the continual putting up with one another and always looking for the best in them even when they are annoying you. It’s realizing that no one is ever going to be perfect, but not letting that bother you. It’s about loving a person for their imperfections as much as their good qualities.

Also, don't you find that we are searching for someone to love us in the way WE think love is? Let's say we perceive love as someone who is always with us, never leaves our side. If our loved one needs to go to the restroom, and asks that we not follow them in, does that mean they love us less?

Think also on this... Are we basing our FEELINGS of loving someone on how he or she treats us or how we emotionally FEEL about someone? Do we fall in love with someone because they treat us a certain way, they say just the right words, behave in a way that produces deep emotional feelings within us only to fall out of love because they stopped treating us that way? Go a step further, did they stop loving us, so we stopped loving them - or vice versa?

Shouldn't we "love" WHO a person is as opposed to what they do? I love this person because they are good and decent, they treat people with respect, they are hard working and honest. NOT, I love this person because he/she focus' all his/her attention on me and he/she makes me feel wonderful!

To love someone regardless of how we FEEL about them would take a lot of grit. It's saying that despite how I feel at this very moment - the fact that I am so totally angered at what you just said or did - I'm going to respect you as a person and love you as I should.

I really don't think society sees this as love. I think they want to see it as insanity. In this world full of the "gimme" mentality and self-love, you would hear things like, "Divorce the jerk, and leave him/her if they don't give you this or that." Is love getting all my needs met? Is it that selfish?

You know, what it boils down to is that there is a certain responsibility to loving someone. It is showing and feeling but also committing to respect, honor, cherish, etc., the person we care deeply about.

I don't think love dies; I think that pain and disillusionment stifle it. I think there are millions of people walking around saying they don't believe in love because they THOUGHT they loved someone and after being hurt stopped loving them. I really don't think this was love. Infatuation, obsession, ardor, lust... those die.

True love never dies, never ends.

True love is a determination to continue giving despite what anyone else says or does. The ultimate sacrifice.

The dying of our own wants and needs. Selfless.