Thursday, November 15, 2007

This I so believe


I believe in my mother. I know most children do, but saying it as an adult, I feel it carries much more impact. So I say it now: I believe in my mother perfectly, unquestioningly, not least because we seem to agree on nearly everything. She and I are like the same person, one future, one past, but both in the same present.

She taught me many things, but the first and most important was always, “love yourself”. Never falter in loving who you are, what you are. Never tell yourself that you're not attractive... never tell yourself that you're stupid. Be unashamed. Feel handsome, and you will look it, feel smart, and someday you will achieve it. One is not set in stone, but is a living, breathing person, capable of mutations and changes galore. Wear your skin and hair and face and heart like designer clothing. She told me this in not so many words every day and I took it to heart, and still do. I relish myself, my shortcomings as well as talents, because they've made the person that so many other people are proud to call a friend.

She taught me compassion. Don't hate someone just because they stutter when they speak. Don't make fun of or ignore them just because they happen to be a boy and have a boyfriend or a girl and have a girlfriend. Talk to them. Treat them like you would any other person, and pass on the love a little bit. Who knows, you could meet the person who ends up being your best friend or saving your life from a giant snake like that, and all because you decided to delve a little deeper.

She taught me to fight the man, the oppressor. Don't let them push you down, stereotype you, sort you into neat little sects for them to catalogue and file away. Don't let commercialism or money monopolize your life and push out love and happiness and all the things that really matter. Don't get so lost in personal gain that you forget that there are others around you.

She taught me that everyone's life is their own. Do what you wish, but don't condemn others who do things you would never do - it's their life, their body, their choice. People every day are abused and harassed because they chose to abort a baby - called sinners, murderers, bad parents. And yet, is it our place to judge these people that we've probably never even met, over the life of a baby that may not have been the best life in the first place?

Of course, this also brings up the matter of religion. People are killing each other now, and have been since the beginning of time, over religion. Countless deaths, all for a thing we can't see, in the name of something written down in an old book. And yet, who cannot say they've felt spiritual at least one point in their life? Who can say they haven't felt connected, felt like for one moment everything is perfect? If people could learn to share in that joy, rather than tie themselves down to petty squabbles over what color robe Jesus was wearing at the last supper, perhaps the world would be a better place.

Most importantly, she taught me to love. Everything and everyone, regardless of who or what they are. She taught me to accept, to reserve judgment until I've got evidence, to always give someone the benefit of my doubt.

She taught me to forgive, but not to forget: oh no. Forgive and learn, my friends. Save up your past mistakes, so that you can learn from them in time, and perhaps love even more because of it. The world could always use a little more love.

I believe in my Mother, soundly and perfectly.

I believe in life, love, and John Lennon: "whatever gets you through the night, that's all right."

Monday, November 12, 2007

I Love You Dee


I Love You.

I look at those words and they deflate me. Eight letters (well, seven technically, because you use the "o" twice). Just three simple words are supposed to make you understand how I feel for you. Eskimos have 50 billion words for snow, and yet I'm supposed to say "I Love You," a phrase that can mean a billion different things.

I learned to say those words before I could even form a complete sentence! Through the years I've said them to a lot of people and each time it's meant something different. I've said it to relatives as a way to goodbye. I've said it to friends as a way to say, hey man you're funny and cool. I even said it to the lady at the bank when I got my first credit card.

So why is some generic phrase such as "I Love You" the best they've come up with for expressing your most personal and deepest feelings to the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with? Maybe because it fits on those little candy hearts...

Well, guess what? You mean more than just those eight letters to me. You mean more than any words can describe.

I wish you could feel my emotions, because "I Love You" just doesn't describe the way I feel about you. You should wear my soul like a wetsuit and experience the tingling that occurs under my skin while I sit in my station and daydream of you. Or maybe you could be there as my brain cranks up each morning (technically afternoon, since we both work graveyard) and rolls the first two products off its assembly line; your name and my smile.

You should be able to undergo the explosions of happiness that shoot from my eyeballs when I talk to you and about you. And you need to experience how my heart becomes saturated with orgasms when I know I've made you happy, or feel what it's like to throw up a rainbow just by realizing that you exist.

I will always tell you "I Love You," even though I'll never think the words mean enough. But, just remember that when I say it to you, it means something exclusive, shared only between me and you. And feelings that only you can generate will ride on the words and fill up my soul every time I say it.

Now, and forever, whether I'm saying it as goodbye, or because I think you're funny and cool, or even because you gave me my first credit card, "I Love You" today and "I Love You" tonight and "I Love You" tomorrow. "I Love You" this week, this month, this year....

Forever.

I have never loved anyone before you. I know that to be true, because nobody has ever made me feel what you make me feel. I know we are meant to be together and I will do everything possible to make that happen.

I Love You Dee.