So it's been a little over 3 months now since that fateful day where my life turned upside down and that which I held as a constant suddenly became far too unsteady. Though I try to mask my uncertainty in a veil of confidence, at times like these, I can't help but wonder where I go from here.
If three weeks ago you had held up to me the freedom I now have, I would have very seriously considered grasping at it. And yet now here I am such a short time later with the very thing I used to desire, and all the feelings I once had have vanished. Freedom is no good when the desire to use it is lost.
I struggle with where I'm supposed to head from here. I want a monogamous relationship with someone, and nothing is holding me back from it, but yet any relationship I get into will surely be unable to escape the fact that I don't want another boyfriend. In my heart there is room for but one boy, and though he has chosen to vacate at present his place remains.
In a way everything has changed, and yet nothing has changed. Protocol no longer binds me, but my heart refuses to move on.
If I were assured the fortune of my wait, I would endure it joyfully. I am confident, yet insecure. I want that which I had, and yet I have no way to assure myself that it is something I can reacquire. What if it isn't, and I spend my time here in vain, waiting patiently for that which will never be mine?
I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to reach out and affect the situation. I hate that nothing will change for months. I hate not being able to just sit down with him, and let his confusion and insecurity drain away. I hate the separation. I hate not being able to think, "That boy loves me, and one day he's going to marry me."
What is it that says things have to be this way? Is the situation really so dire that being apart is the only course of action? Why can't we work through this together, helping each other and supporting each other as we grow and change? Change is not something to be scared of; it's something to embrace. Of course we'll change, and be much better as a result. Was our relationship so tenuous that it could only survive if we had stayed exactly as we were?
Where do I go from here? Do I hold out in my confidence, sure that what we had is what I really believed it to be? Do I move on? Can the two mix? Is it possible to move on while holding out? What would that be? How could I possibly embrace one person while in my heart holding a spot for another? How is that fair to any party involved?
In my insecurity I find solace in facts. Fact: I am in love with an amazing boy. Fact: I believe we're meant to be together. Fact: I believe that despite his confusion he'll be able to find nothing to compare with what we had.
Time progresses. People change. Situations change. Confidence waivers. Only my feelings remain.
If three weeks ago you had held up to me the freedom I now have, I would have very seriously considered grasping at it. And yet now here I am such a short time later with the very thing I used to desire, and all the feelings I once had have vanished. Freedom is no good when the desire to use it is lost.
I struggle with where I'm supposed to head from here. I want a monogamous relationship with someone, and nothing is holding me back from it, but yet any relationship I get into will surely be unable to escape the fact that I don't want another boyfriend. In my heart there is room for but one boy, and though he has chosen to vacate at present his place remains.
In a way everything has changed, and yet nothing has changed. Protocol no longer binds me, but my heart refuses to move on.
If I were assured the fortune of my wait, I would endure it joyfully. I am confident, yet insecure. I want that which I had, and yet I have no way to assure myself that it is something I can reacquire. What if it isn't, and I spend my time here in vain, waiting patiently for that which will never be mine?
I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to reach out and affect the situation. I hate that nothing will change for months. I hate not being able to just sit down with him, and let his confusion and insecurity drain away. I hate the separation. I hate not being able to think, "That boy loves me, and one day he's going to marry me."
What is it that says things have to be this way? Is the situation really so dire that being apart is the only course of action? Why can't we work through this together, helping each other and supporting each other as we grow and change? Change is not something to be scared of; it's something to embrace. Of course we'll change, and be much better as a result. Was our relationship so tenuous that it could only survive if we had stayed exactly as we were?
Where do I go from here? Do I hold out in my confidence, sure that what we had is what I really believed it to be? Do I move on? Can the two mix? Is it possible to move on while holding out? What would that be? How could I possibly embrace one person while in my heart holding a spot for another? How is that fair to any party involved?
In my insecurity I find solace in facts. Fact: I am in love with an amazing boy. Fact: I believe we're meant to be together. Fact: I believe that despite his confusion he'll be able to find nothing to compare with what we had.
Time progresses. People change. Situations change. Confidence waivers. Only my feelings remain.
They will remain forever.
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