There was a time that it never seemed to matter much…No --- that’s not true –-- There was a time I deceived myself into thinking that it didn’t matter much; A time when I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be: Successful, wealthy, independent, helpful, knowledgeable…
How did I allow myself to lose everything I stood for… everything I wanted? When did I give up and give in?
Where did I go to be so far from reality?
Who was I kidding?
Maybe it was all me, afraid to face reality, afraid to face rejection, afraid to face loss and pain and emptiness…
Maybe I realized that I couldn’t be what I wanted, couldn’t be where I wanted, and couldn’t have what I needed…
Maybe I thought I could have my reality if I lived up to everyone else’s first…
Maybe I was just a fool…
Now reality is here and I can’t turn away. I can’t hide; can’t run fast enough or far enough. All the pain and loss, all of the wrong choices, all of the missed opportunities, all of the loneliness…
My reality envelops me, washes through every pore, and flows through me with more strength than my blood…
Pain, anger, fear, and longing have become so constant and omnipresent that I can no longer feel them individually or feel any other emotions at all. My reality pulls me down into that same abyss I have feared my whole life, But I still retain a faint glimmer of hope (fool that I am).
Truth, passion, joy, bonding, caring, love --– It seems so simple. Shouldn’t these things come to everyone? Why for others and not for me?
How can I live without the only things that really matter?
Who am I kidding?!
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