Chanelling Darkness

Darkness.

Only darkness. A darkness of pain, loneliness, and hopelessness.

I just finished reading a gay and lesbian oriented book yesterday. Very well written. Very poignant. Very upsetting. All too comparable to my own life. I need to write a paper on this book, but I couldn't do it tonight. I was too disturbed.

Then I read story updates on the gay romances I follow on the net. Most of the chapters to various stories were happy, uncomplicated episodes, but reading about gay couples happily enjoying a long-term companionship makes me sad.

I don't begrudge them their happiness - in my own way, I am happy for them - but every happy gay couple I see or hear about is simply a painful reminder of how alone I am and have so often been.

Reading these various chapters after finishing that book has left me very down.

Very alone...

Do you realize that this has nothing to do with sex? Can you understand that? I just need someone to hold and to hold me. I need someone that really wants to know my troubles and help me overcome them. I need someone that I can trust. Someone who won't laugh at me or belittle my fears and pains. Someone who won't hurt me, and someone who won't leave me.

I would give everything for someone like that...

All that I am, all I own, all my dreams, all my love, all my trust, all my mind, my body, my soul, my life - all that they might ever desire or need or hope for; no need would be too much; no risk would be too great; no price would be too high to pay.

But none of that matters.

No one will ever know.

No one cares.

All of my love lies with me in darkness.