I Know Better

I am not like that now.

I know better.

I know now that people lie, and promises can be broken as quick as they are made.

I understand that I might never be loved, and too quickly good things fly in front of my eyes before I can reach out and grab them.

I know that I can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. Also, there isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if I'm standing alone for awhile, that's why.

Not everything in life comes easy, but when I work the hardest, that's when it's the best.

I can't always expect people to care, and even when my best friends stab me in the front, I don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for my back. They missed for a reason.

I found out to soon, that in the end, I am my own best friend.

Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not, its gonna hurt like hell. But I can't stop it. I can't change my fate.

Some things are meant to be and all the pain I go through will end up resulting in something huge. I don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit me like a ton of bricks.

At some point, when I have experienced everything I can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to me anymore. But I won't try to change it. Stuff like that is meant to happen.

Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on me. And that happens because that's the way it supposed to be. But I'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter.

But it might catch me off guard and happen sooner.

So i better watch out.

I know better.

Really.

I do.

Wandering Wonders

Last night I sat thinking about all my past relationships: the good ones, the bad ones, the ones that never meant a single thing to me --- and I suddenly thought about you.

At the beginning everything seemed perfect: the times you made me laugh, the moments we spent alone, the phone calls we shared every night. You were the one thing in my life that truly made me happy…

Then everything started to change. Instead of the laughs, the tears started to form, then the jealousy, the pain --- and you were out of my life.

Now I sit here thinking. The moments of sadness I felt never compared to the few times of happiness I experienced when we were still together. I wonder how I ever let you go? It was pure love. And if we had only realized that before.

Four months later, here I am, alone in my bed with only Pressy to keep me company all night, wondering… does it hurt you to look at all the places we've been? Do you get that tiny smile that tugs at your lips for one, small, insignificant instant and then it disappears as quickly as it came as the realization of what we have become hits you?

I'm just wondering, does it hurt you when you are nearing my pad, or my doorway, or that spot were I used to stand waiting for you to come home? Do you visualize my figure waiting there for you, only to discover that when you reach for it, I'm nowhere in sight?

I'm just wondering, does it hurt you to know that I'm afraid to talk to you? What do I say to someone who has hurt me, confused me, and broken me beyond measures but whom I still love more than words can express?

I'm just wondering, does it hurt you when my eyes meet yours and then dart quickly away? Does it bother you when I look at you with no expression and turn and walk the other way?

I'm just wondering, does it hurt you to know that every time I see you I feel like crying? That when I see your face something inside of me dies just a little bit more, or when I see you frown I want more than anything to kiss your pain all away… but then I realize I am your pain...

I'm just wondering...

Wondering how you are feeling...

Wondering where you are…

Wondering who you’re with…

Wondering…

If you are hurting too...

Like I do…

RAINBOWS

As kids we are taught that a rainbow has seven colors. But as we grow older, we realize that there are other shades, hues and subtleties that are not taught to us.

Now, they remain unnamed.

But as we grow older, the more colors we see in a rainbow.

As we go on with life, we realize that scholars’ teachings are, in most cases, far from what reality has to say.

Like a rainbow, life is full of complexities.

Life is full of variations.

And the further and deeper we go through it, the more colors we see.

I pray that we find understanding when we are faced with division, and may we be dominated by equality when we discover difference.

This blog is a tribute to unity in diversity, dignity and a celebration of life.

For a moment, I seriously thought about discontinuing this blog for some obvious reasons. First, people are not reading them anyway. Second, I don’t think it’s serving its purpose. I only make people sad, which is far from what I envisioned my posts to be. Lastly, I always receive nasty comments from anonymous judgmental people.

But then again, I always remember what my mother tells me when I was still a kid. She would hold me in her arms and would tell me this: “Remember this, you have got to believe in yourself. Ignore those who try to discourage you. Don’t give up and don’t give in. Dare to speak your mind. Dare to make a difference. Dare to love… Because in the end it will be okay, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end”

And she would tuck me to bed and kiss me good night. My mom tells me this every single night from kindergarten to fourth grade to junior high. I grew up living those words… well, sometimes…

If only for my mom, I would have long stopped writing. I would have long given up on my dream as a writer.

But just like the rainbow, which symbolizes hope in the bible, I will always be here…

After the rain…

After the storm…

I will be here… and no one’s stopping me.

Not you… yes, you.

Not even you.

I write to express not to impress.

I am moving on, hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

When someone you love abandons you, it doesn't hurt just because they've changed, or lied, or went back on their promises. But because you know what they really are and what a beautiful person they can be…

And when they take that away from you and won't let you see that beautiful person again, nothing hurts more than having someone just decide to take your entire world away without consulting you first.

I am moving on… And if I feel the need to cry, I will. But it will not be for the heart ache you've made, but for not we might have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that I felt, but I will cry because of the love that I was never able to share, with the one guy I fell for.

I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the guy who left.

I am moving on… And I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left, but that once you stayed. No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much... I will try not to think of you… When I wake up in the morning I will try not to ask myself if somehow you are also awake.

I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of.

No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my breakfast wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in, just to have some privacy to sadly think of you, cry or do some foolish things because of you.

I've had enough.

I'll try to hold back the tears when I think of you. I'll just try to smile. And no, never will I again think of you last, when I go to sleep…

Sleep is my only rest, so please don't plague me in my dreams.

I will give my affections to any guy who is in need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give him the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours…

Worthy or not worthy of it, at least he's here, you're not.

I am moving on...

Hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

Broken Break-ups

Isn't it funny how you can think you're completely over someone but if you drive past his house, stumble upon a meaningful song you both shared, see a picture of you together, or even get a glance of him on the street.... just in an instant, it can change all that…

And then you start to remember the pain… and that hollow space is feeling more and more like the Grand Canyon with every second that goes by…

But you bury these feelings deep down… so deep that you're sure no one will be able to tell.

To the outside world, you smile and act like nothing is wrong or will ever be.

Everything's just perfect.

And for that split second that you've locked eyes… a tiny whisper… say 'make this last forever, only and just this moment forever and ever'…

But after a second or so, you go along your own merry way, all the while realizing how much you do miss him, how much you still love him... and it sticks with you for days, weeks, maybe months, until fate decides to hand you another one of those unexpected moments.

And then you finally understand the worst feeling in the world is when the person you love most is standing right next to you, yet you can never have them. Try as you may, you can't make someone love you again…

And in relationships, the hardest thing to do is not moving on but not looking back…

Breaking up isn’t the worst part of breaking up…

But living with it…

One day you’ll get it

There's this image I keep coming back to...

I'm ten-years-old. My mom and dad took me to see “Terminator 2: Judgement Day”. There I was, fourth row center, flanked by my parents.

And in walks this guy with another guy. Probably our age now. They plop down right in front of me... and proceed to make-out for the entire movie.

I couldn't believe it.

I couldn't believe that anyone would rather kiss than watch this action, sci-fi, thriller unfold on the screen.

At one point, I tapped the guy on the shoulder and he looked back at me, like, "One day you'll get it kid."

Here it is all these years later, and I’m not that guy who goes to the movies and makes out in the balcony, and I’m not that kid who sat between his parents...

I'm this third person who’s too busy analyzing everything to actually sit back and enjoy the show.

I mean those other two guys, at least they’re having fun.

I'm not anymore...

Miss You To Bits

You know what’s funny?

Those things that you did when we were together that would always piss me off are the things that I miss the most...

You know when you'd never stop talking to me when I was trying to watch my favorite teleserye or when I’m trying to finish a book…

How you would always be a smart ass, or how about all the times when you insisted that you loved me more...

How you’d hide all of my DVDs because you wanted us to talk…

How you’d always manage to intentionally swap our Zagu orders and confess to me what you did after I’m almost done drinking the Zagu variant that was supposed to be yours.

When you’d secretly sneak on my bag to look for cigarette to check if I smoke when I’m not home… and if you do find one, you’d hide my lighter and throw away my cigar… go back to sleep and pretend like nothing happened. (I saw all the “missing” cigarette packs on top of my closet).

When you’d deliberately adjust my alarm clock 30 minutes past my shift because you want to spend more time with me and I always end up logging in late for work.

When you’d pretend to be sick but all of a sudden get better after I inform my mom that I won’t be able to come home to Cavite. You’d then invite me to watch a movie or dine out.

When you'd playfully make fun of me for saying something wrong…

When you'd pick me up and carry me along the streets of Filmore on our way back home from Cash and Carry... and I'd fight you because people could see us but you just don't care...

When you'd call me later than you were supposed to...

When you’d purposely pretend to be done studying for your finals only to find out later that you lied because you wanted to see me.

When you’d always order extra rice and I always end up gaining those unwanted extra pounds.

How you’d always insist for me to tell you the color of the shirt I’m gonna wear and then showing up with the same exact shade. We’re always “terno” when we go to the malls.

Those are the things I want back.

It's weird.

I used to think that since we're far apart from each other, I'd be glad I wouldn't have to put up with all of them...

But now, honestly...

Those are the things I miss the most.

When the tears are not enough...

Tears flow from my eyes in little misguided river paths…

Maybe if I had only been able to hug you once more, or hold your hand as you left. Maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so much.

Maybe then I would be able to understand why I am left here alone.

It was once said, “Who do you turn to when the one who can stop your tears is the one who is making you cry?”

I wish they had found an answer…

Maybe then losing you would be easier for me to deal with.

But the thought of life without you is too painful to bear…

It actually hurts…

Like a cut on my skin, only the cut is much deeper…

It’s on my heart.

Only One

There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world.

Some are running scared...

Some are coming home...

Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth...

Some are evil men at war with the good and some are good struggling with evil...

6 billion people in the world...

6 billion souls...

And…

Sometimes...

All you need is ONE...

Just ONE...

My Dearest Penguin

Dear Penguin,

You asked me before where I went. And I want to tell you. I went to a place where nothing's right, where every moment's backwards, every sky's without color, without hope.

I tried to come back, Penguin. But I got lost...

And while I was gone, I met you...

And I didn't even have the courage to realize I was home.

A wise friend of mine told me "we all have our homes", and now I know it's true. I hope you get this letter, Penguin. I figure I got 75 chances...

Because if you do, you'll know that in the end, that's where I was...

I found home, Penguin.

I found you.

I hope you can find yours soon.

Get there --- as fast as you can.

And write me when you do.

In love with you always,

Marvin

Wonder Years

I was alone having coffee in my favorite restaurant one lazy Saturday afternoon, and I couldn't help overhearing two kids taking turns asking each other what they want to be when they grow up. Like all the other kids I asked this question to, one wants to be a doctor because he would like to help the sick, the other one wants to be a pilot someday. Their conversation was really funny in a serious kind of way or serious in a funny kind of way, but that's how kids have always been -- spontaneous, adventurous and they all have big dreams for the future.

So right at that moment, I thought to myself, when I was a kid, what did I wanted to be when I grow up?

It took some time for me to remember that at one point in my young life, I wanted to be a lawyer. I had a relative who was a lawyer and when my mom and I visit him in his office, he was always dressed up and he looked really stylish and neat. So I thought I wanted to be just like him someday (not to marry him okay. My sexual preferences and orientation were still pretty much intact when I was a kid).

I have an aunt who was a pre-school teacher for so many years. So there was a short period in my life that I wanted to be like her, I thought all she did is play with the kids. But then, she always had to work till late in the evening checking papers and preparing exams. So that didn't last either.

I also wanted to be pilot because I've always wanted to see the world. While other kids wanted to be a doctor or an engineer, I wanted to be a nurse so I can take care of my parents and grandparents (without having to spend so many years in school).

I forgot all the other dreams I had, but I am sure of something, it was a lot. And looking back, I realized that I didn't get to be anything that I dreamed myself to be. I took up my course (Bachelor of Science in Physical Therapy, De La Salle University Health Sciences Campus) in college because, it was, as I was told, the most "in demand" field at that time and not because that was where my heart was. I've grown to love it though but mainly because I had to, I thought of shifting to another course but I got scared of change. I graduated cum laude and topped my board exams.

But there are days when I'm curious about what my life would have been like if I pursued even one of my childhood dreams.

Maybe, just maybe, I'd be happier. Maybe, I'd have more energy to do what I have to accomplish for more than 8 hours of my life each day. Maybe, I'd feel more fulfilled.

Maybe…

But I realized that I had a choice and I decided to choose the choices I made. It may not be the best, but I learned to accept things as they come and be thankful for whatever I have. Sure, I made mistakes. And yes, I made the wrong decisions. But no matter how big or how little those mistakes were, I learned a lot from each one of them. And it made me the kind of person that I am now.

I may not be as successful as what I envisioned myself to be, or I may not be as rich, or not at all famous. But I'm proud of the fact that I'm making the most out of my life and with what I have. And I'm quite happy with how my life turned out.

Everyday, we face a lot of choices. We answer a lot of questions. Where to eat, what to wear, what road to take, whether to stay or to go, whether to take the promotion or to move on to other things. It's hard to take the "other" route when you're comfortable wherever it is that you are. But there are decisions in life worth doing just for the heck of it --- to grow and to continue to be challenged. Because after all, that's what living is about.

Come to think of it, I didn't become a nurse, but I took care of my grandparents when they got sick a few years back. I didn't become a pilot, but I had the chance to see other places and countries. I didn't become a teacher, but I know that you don't necessarily have to be one to teach people what you know about life…

So that only leaves being a lawyer…

Well, three out of four ain't that bad, right?

Color Everywhere

Color is a form of energy.

This energy affects us both physically and emotionally. From packaging in the products we buy to the color of suit and tie a lawyer wears, color is used all over in our world to influence us.

Below is a list of colors, their meanings, and suggestions on using them:

Red.

It’s known for being a "power color".

In small amounts it can promote positive thinking. On the other hand, too much of a good thing can create irritability, nervousness, stress and even anger.

Use a red appointment book to emphasize your importance in the world.

Orange.

Lifts your spirit.
Creates vitality.

Can be a great antidepressant.

Try a glass of fresh orange juice in the morning to get a peppy start on the day.

Yellow.

The color of happiness.

This color creates an optimistic attitude.

Good for helping make decisions.

Can't make up your mind? Use a yellow legal pad to list pros and cons.

Green.

Lowers stress and gives a feeling of comfort.

Add some more plants to your home or office.

If you are a serial plant murderer like myself, fake ones will work! ;o)

Blue.

Relaxes the body and opens the mind.

Be a kid again sometime and lie in the grass and watch the sky.

Purple .

The color of royalty.

Promotes self confidence.

Also the color of passion.

Buy yourself or the love in your life a bouquet of Freesia.

Don't go overboard.

Sometimes too much of a good thing can have ill effects.

You Complete Me Not

The misconception of humans about love and relationship is that having someone with us will make us complete.

But the fact is, Love is extending one's self to another. It means that before we enter a relationship, we should already be COMPLETE.

Otherwise, if we think that having someone will make us complete, it's not a relationship. It's dependence and it may not work out.

When you are happy about yourself and you learn to love yourself, you may probably need not a partner (to a certain extent).

Right now, I'm trying to love myself more and to accept completeness. What happens next will be another story.

But for some who may be losing hope, this affirmation may help:

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gold mine you are, doesn't mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be topped, doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share your life, doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile, doesn't give you permission to stop running.
Just because no one has realized how much of a man/woman you are, doesn't mean they can affect your masculinity or femininity.

Just because no one has come to take the loneliness away, doesn't mean you have to settle for a lower quality.

Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.

Just because you deserve the very best there is, doesn't mean that life is always fair.

Just because God is still preparing your king/queen, doesn't mean that you're not already queen/king.

Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now, doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining…

Keep running…

Keep hoping…

Keep dreaming...

Keep praying…

Keep being exactly what you are already.

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow.

If they succeed in loving the distance between them, this makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.

I think most of us do

I think I noticed when things started to change...

I think most of us do...

The hugs were quicker, the phone calls were shorter, and they weren't every night. We didn't hurry to the place where we said we'd meet. The "I love you's" felt more like a forced, daily routine, and really had no meaning.

When we saw each other, the smiles weren't as bright, or as big. Our thoughts weren't only of each other.

We seemed uninterested…

We felt unloved.

We had too many doubts...

I think I noticed when things started to change...

I think most of us do.

Questioning Christianity

Question: If God created everything, then didn’t he create hell, too? If he created hell, then is hell good, since everything God created was good?

Answer: Hell is primarily an eternal state of separation between God and those creatures (angels and humans) who have permanently chosen to reject him. God created free will, which is good, but hell is the result of the abuse of free will. God did not create hell; he only allowed for its possibility. Thus it cannot be said that hell is good.

**********************************

Question: Can God do literally anything? Make square circles? Make 1 + 1 = 72? If he can't do these things, is it safe to say that he cannot do literally "anything"?

Answer: God can do all things that are possible (Matt. 19:26). He cannot do what is, for him, impossible, including to sin or to create logical impossibilities (e.g., square circles, mathematical errors, rocks too heavy for him to lift). While God can do things that are impossible for man (Luke 18:27), he cannot do what is impossible for himself.
This does not mean that God is not omnipotent; it means only that his power does not negate itself.

**********************************

Question: Is it necessary to confess how many times one has sinned?

Answer: To the best of your ability you should confess how many times you committed each grave sin. The Code of Canon Law is clear on this point:

A member of the Christian faithful is obliged to confess in kind and number all grave sins committed after baptism and not yet remitted directly through the keys of the Church nor acknowledged in individual confession, of which the person has knowledge after diligent examination of conscience. (CIC 988)

If you don’t know an exact number, you can give a best estimate or provide an approximation (e.g., "several times"). If you forget to do this or later remember additional occurrences of grave sins, your sins are still forgiven, but you should remember to acknowledge those sins at your next confession.

An Ode to a Friend

Sometimes someone comes into your live and changes everything, raises the standards, makes you laugh, and makes you feel like you.

When I look back at my life, I can recall very few times where I felt really grateful of the things that came my way. One such instance was a few months ago when, in the midst of my dull dreary life, I met Merito Niño Miguel.

Looking back, it’s easy to get melodramatic about the experiences we had to go through as friends. Just writing this takes me back on that rainy Saturday night when I first met him in person at SM North EDSA, alongside two of his friends.

I met Merito through Jon, a friend from an online community who happens to be one of Merito’s best buds. With his wit and charms, we instantly hit as friends and soon found ourselves enjoying hours of chatting on the net --- from the most trivial to the most consequential stuff.

Boy I tell you, this guy is loaded. He doesn’t even have to work a single day of his oh-so-fabulous life to survive. But don’t mistake him to mere material stuff. Fact of the matter is he’s got way more than that.

Standing at a statuesque height of 5'10, Merito has the body to die for. He has the fairest skin of all and a smile that literally tells toothpaste commercial models, “Alright, you may now retire.” But Merito is more than just what pleases the eye, he is brilliant, good-natured and funny. No one but him could ever deliver punch lines that will keep you laughing your ass out… and I mean literally laughing your ass out for several hours at that.



His attention-grabbing smile may seem to send off a delicate façade, but behind it, incontestably, is one tough guy who is driven towards achieving his goals in life. Albeit younger, he has always been a “kuya” to me, always giving me advices on love and on life.

Merito is a seasoned survivor. He had been through a lot himself. Hearing his stories and the sacrifices he had to endure for the sake of his family and friends make me admire him more. Where others would have walked away out of humiliation and shame, Merito faced life head high, keeping his morals and principles intact --- a living proof that you can never put a good guy down.

Sometimes we stand outside life --- waiting for a door to open to us, hoping the person behind that door will let us in and be our friend. I was once on the outside until a door opened to me and behind it I found not only a friend in Merito, but a whole new world --- a brotherhood, in the arms of his warm welcoming friends.

Now I stand behind that door on the inside, helping to open it for someone else who stands where I once stood. From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it.

Without even realizing it, Merito taught me a lot of things, not only about life, but about what true friendships can be like.

Please do me a favor Merito and never give up... not on yourself, not on other people, not on your dreams... not on anything.

Philippine TV Gone Astray

The problem with most news organizations in the Philippines (and probably everywhere) is that they are owned by corporations and as such, they are constrained by commercial considerations in their operations and time slots.

This year being an election year, news organizations will play a big role in the way people will vote. Afterall, the news is the people’s primary source of information with regards to candidates and platforms. It is therefore important that news organizations present what the voters need. It is their duty, if you ask me.

Unfortunately, most of them are governed by the avarice of profits, hence they are constrained by ratings and ads.

Take for example ABS-CBN’s Forum 2007. It aims to expose senatorial candidates and their ideas to the voting public. However, it is shown on ANC, which is on cable TV, thus the number of people who can watch is limited. It is shown on Channel 2, but at 4AM, who’s going to watch it?

GMA7, on the other hand, has The Philippine Agenda. Instead of dealing with candidates, the show instead focuses on issues that affects the country. It is shown on Channel 7 on Sundays, 7PM. By limiting the show on issues, the producers hope ” to raise viewers’ level of concern and awareness on the country’s recurring problems so that, in turn, they can make sound choices come election day”.

What the people need to know is where do candidates stand on these issues. I’m afraid the GMA show will not address the question at all.

ABS-CBN is unwilling to sacrifice its primetime slots because it is trying to catch up with GMA7, while GMA7 has decided to present something half-useful. The TV news organizations somehow fail to fulfill their functions as conduits of needed information.

I hope radio, online, and print media fare better. But among these, TV is the most potent, and yet most impotent.

My Little Sheltered Delusions

If there were ever a compilation of mourns and rants produced, I guarantee you, this would not be one of them. It's not long, it's not clever, it's not intense, it's not angry, it's not happy, and it's definitely not brilliant.

I'm done.

I've taken all that I can handle, and now I just want out.

I want to be gone.

I want everything to be fresh.

I've given, taken, agreed, approved and walked away bitter. If you consider life a game, the 4th quarter just ended. I wasn't even close to the last quarter, but I think I'm passed the point where I even care.

I played out of my league, out of my style, and out of control.

I'm not the type of person who goes after things. I'm the type who lets life wash whatever tidbits in me that has no longer use.

When I got off my little island to pursue things not so dead and rotting, I discovered life is a little deep.

I can't swim.

I am drowning.

I can only hope that someday destiny will bring me back to my little piece of dry land, where things may not have been good, but at least I could breathe. I must wash all memories of this nightmare out of my mind. I must go back to my little sheltered delusions. I must return to the oblivion that was.

And yet, who am I kidding? It can't be.

No matter how much sun courses through my body while I'm sprawled on the sand, the vision of the water will never disappear. It will haunt me.

What if I had made it?

What if things had worked?

What if life had gone my way?

Meet my new Baby

Name: Compaq Presario V3304TU

Birthday: April 2, 2007

Age: 1 day old

Status: It's complicated

Processor: Intel Core 2 Duo processor T5500
Display: 14.1” WXGA High definition Brightview Widescreen Display (1280x800)
120GB (5400RPM) Hard drive
1024MB 1GB DDR2 SDRAM (2 Dimm)
Intel Graphics Media Accelerator 950 with shared graphics memory
LightScribe Super Multi 8X DVD RW with Double Layer Support
Intel PRO/ Wireless 3945a/b/g 802.11a/b/g/ WLAN and Bluetooth
5-in-1 Digital Media Reader
Express Card/54 PC Card Slot
Expansion Port 3
6-Cell Lithium Ion Battery
Operating System: Genuine Windows Vista Premium
Genuine Microsoft Office 2007

So what do you think of my new baby?

Puerto Galera Trip

It was like I'd left behind something in Puerto Galera besides the ten pounds I gained in a span of three days and two nights stay in that island --- the strenuous but thrilling banana boat my friends and I had; the numerous yosi I puffed; the several shots of margarita and comfort zone I drowned myself with; the breath-taking beach and sand; the mouthwatering guys hehehe este foods and desserts pala; the various people I met; the guys I chatted with; the henna tattoo on my arm; and the heart-pounding nerve-wracking ferry trip back home.

Some invisible part of my brain forgotten on a shelf somewhere, some key ingredient to navigating the world abandoned in that cozy hotel room, in that 3-storey lodge.

I didn't even know how to look for what was gone, how to recognize it if I found it. How to ask for help.

But I didn't want to be better than anyone...

I just wanted to be me.

And, yes, I wanted to show up, to be noticed. But inside some of me still wanted desperately to disappear. Of course that's what had gotten me to Puerto Galera in the first place: trying to disappear.

Then each morning I woke up to the blinding Galera sunlight and thought I was a little boy in my bed at home again, that my father would come and wake me at any minute. And then, slowly, I blinked awake to the ceiling tiles and the scuffed wood floor, the chrome-rimmed bed and the hum of the room, and realized that I'd grown up.

But it was just one more thing. One more way the days would form and even at the bottom of everything I was, I just didn't care that much right then.

It was all about one more day and just for now and every other cliché in the world. It was all about waking and eating and running and sleeping. And it was about getting through to the next day... all of it even, nobody would hurt me.

I’m still alive, though I still wasn't sure I wanted to be.

Fabricated stories

Honesty and simply being truthful seem, on the surface, to be one and the same concept. However, though they are closely related in definition and are in fact listed as synonyms, there are fundamental differences between the two.

Truthfulness is defined as "consistently telling the truth, honest" in The American Dictionary, which also defines honesty as "the capacity or condition of being honest; integrity; trustworthiness." Honest means "not lying, cheating or taking unfair advantage." So what does that mean?

The definitions are nearly identical, so one must turn to the connotations.

Truthfulness is the more basic of the two, it implies, as the definition says, speaking the truth predictably. If one is truthful, one tells the truth when asked a question. One does not spread lies, and one faces reality as it is.

However, it is possible to be truthful and still not be trustworthy. If someone tells everything he knows when asked the smallest question, would you want to trust that person with an important secret? Likewise, someone can be truthful and still not be lawful, or entirely in the "right." For instance, someone could be involved in something illegal, and, when asked about it, could tell the truth up to a point. The person in question would be consistently telling the truth, but it would not be the whole truth.

Honesty is a somewhat more complex idea that covers a broader range of requirements. Honesty is truthful, reliable, trustworthy, and open. It encompasses the virtues of truthfulness without the gaps.

Being honest implies that you are willing to tell the truth at cost of personal risk. It implies being open and truthful no matter the conditions one faces. Real honesty means telling the truth out of respect for others and for oneself. Someone who is honest does not necessarily have to be asked in order to tell the truth; it is their standard of conduct and communication.

Of the two qualities, honesty is the more admirable because it is harder to both attain and maintain. Still, honesty cannot exist without truthfulness, for what is someone who has openness, reliability and trustworthiness but is without the ability to tell the truth? The answer is someone who can be trusted to lie openly.

However, while we try to develop that important quality of honesty, it is important to remember that honesty stems from respect for others, and that includes respect for their feelings.

Real honesty includes truthful tact. Honesty speaks for one's character and improves relationships with others.

I am the Island... I am not the rock

A long time ago, in a land and situations far, far away, I wrote of our story. No longer am I the washed; I am now the island.

The tumultuous world washes around me. I am dashed, battered, and abused. The waves of depression and loss sweep around me. They strive to break me; to eat away the foundation upon which I stand. At times they flood over me, burying me in their turbulence.

Yet they are only moments...

I cling to my support while submerged, confident in its ability to hold me steady and guide me back to the light of surface...

I cannot breathe, yet I maintain belief in the temporal nature of that which assails me.

I have been promised that I will be subjected to nothing that I cannot bear. I look around; see my torment, and say, "My God! The confidence You must have in me to subject me to so great a foe!" The greater my torment, the greater my hope, for my Lord does not make promises he does not keep.

And thus I am thankful for the billowing waves.

I am thankful for trial.

I look beyond my struggles; I gaze through them to the promise they wish to obscure.

I am the island. I am not the rock, I am but frail. Yet the rock is my foundation, and to Him I will cling.

Lenten thoughts

I asked God why I wasn't rich. He showed me a man with the wealth of a thousand kings, who was lonely, and had no one to share it with.

I asked God why I wasn't beautiful. He showed me a woman more beautiful than any other, who was ugly because of her vanity.

I asked God why He'd allowed me to become old. He showed me a boy of 16, who lay dead at the scene of a car accident.

I asked God why I didn't have a bigger house. He showed me a family of six, who had just been evicted from their tiny shack, and were forced, to live on the street.

I asked God why I had to work. He showed me a man, who couldn't find a decent job, because he'd never learned to read.

I asked God why I wasn't more popular. He showed me a socialite with a thousand friends, who all left the moment the money and parties were no longer there.

I asked God why I wasn't smarter. He showed me a natural born genius, serving life in prison for making ill use of his knowledge.

I asked God why He put up with a thankless sinner like me. He showed me His Bible. He showed me His Son who took my place at the judgment.

I knew then how much He loved me.

What's eating you today?

Are your problems weighing heavy on your heart?

Know, then, that you are loved.

If it doesn't kill you... it will make you stronger.

Critical Criticisms

It is easy to get angry with those who criticize you. But it is better to listen and to consider what they have to say.

If the criticism is completely misdirected and unfounded, then you can simply let it go. Yet often it can be valuable and productive to objectively consider what your critics are thinking.

The worst response to criticism is to become angry, insulted and defensive. For by doing so, you actually give more power and credibility to that criticism.

Instead, listen carefully and appreciatively to what your critics have to say. Even if the criticism is decidedly negative, somewhere there are positive insights that you can gain from it.

Don't let your ego prevent you from learning something valuable. Being receptive to criticism strengthens your confidence and can improve your competence.

Choose to know and understand what others think of you. Instead of getting angry and defensive over the words of others, choose to listen, consider and grow stronger because of them.

Find Me Soon

My name is Marvin.

I'm a senior supervisor at People Support Inc.

I go to the gym every after shift --- at least I used to. I have an amazing partner --- at least I used to. And I have a best friend.

6780 building is just a place somewhere in the world, somewhere in Makati to be exact. Maybe it's a lot like your world, maybe it's nothing like it.

But if you look closer, you might see someone like you.

Someone trying to find their way. Someone trying to find their place. Someone trying to find their self.

Sometimes it seems like you are the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied, barely getting by.

But that feeling's a lie.

And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay.

Because we all need a little help sometimes --- someone to help us hear the music in their world, to remind us that it won't always be this way.

That someone is out there.

And that someone will find you.

How Many Text Messages are Sent in the Philippines Daily?

If we’re to believe PLDT President and CEO Napoleon L. Nazareno, Smart handles at least 800 million texts daily. That’s over 9,000 texts per second! A realistic figure?

As of 2006, there are 90 million people living in the Philippines. Let’s assume that only one out of three Filipinos own a cellphone. That’s only 5 million more than Smart’s advertised 25 million subscriber base.

It would take 27 texts per person to reach 800 million a day—very possible in a country where most people would rather text than call. Not to mention that this doesn’t take into account the millions of Filipinos working abroad, who rely on SMS to stay in touch with loved ones back home.

And Smart Communications Inc. isn’t the only service provider in the Philippines, you also have Globe Telecom and Sun Cellular.

It’s reasonable to presume that their subscribers account for at least 400 million more texts. Especially since Sun made a name for itself by offering unlimited usage at flat rates.

So, could it be that local cellular networks handle over 1.2 billion texts daily? The 30 million would have to text 40 times a day for this figure to be a reality. But again, in text-crazy Philippines, such a figure is reasonable.

Bill Gate's Advice to Kids

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here is some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech: 11 things you will not learn in school.

He talks about how feel good P.C. teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept has set them up to fail in the real world.

RULE 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

RULE 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world expects you to accomplish BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3: You will NOT make $40,000.00/year fresh out of high school. And you won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you EARN both.

RULE 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. He won't have tenure.

RULE 5: Flipping burgers is NOT beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it OPPORTUNITY!

RULE 6: If you mess up, it is only your fault; learn from your mistakes.

RULE 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how COOL you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your room instead.

RULE 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and will give you as many times as you need to get it right. This doesn't have the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10: TV is NOT reality. In real life people need to leave the coffee shop and go to work.

RULE 11: BE NICE TO NERDS!! Chances are you will end up working for one!

Last Day at Fitness First

Yes.

After more than a year, I decided to end my membership at Fitness First and transfer to another health and fitness facility (GOLD'S GYM).

Also, I am trying to save some money because I am buying myself a Macbook very soon… Like tomorrow!! LOL. So I would need all the extra cash I can save.

Below is a copy of my cancellation letter:

Fitness First Manila

3rd Level, Robinsons Place Manila


M. Adriatico St.Ermita, Manila
Date: February 1, 2007

Re: Fitness First Account Number 01100164

To The Home Club Administrator;

I, Marvin Garcia, member of Fitness First Health Club since 11/30/2005 with membership number 01100164, am sending you this 30-day written notice to request cancellation of my membership and subscription from your health and fitness club effective February 28, 2007. By that time, I would have completed the minimum required term as stipulated on the terms and conditions portion of the agreement I signed when I first joined your club.

It is my understanding that my cancellation will not take effect until you give me a copy of my cancellation notice and receipt for payment for all required fees, thus I would appreciate receiving these documents as soon as they are available.

Furthermore, my cancellation should thus confirm that no payment will be taken out of the credit card information registered under my account for the months following the effectivity of my cancellation moving forward.

I will be surrendering my membership card to your facility upon expiry of my membership for your disposal.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely yours,

Marvin V. Garcia, ptrp
Team Supervisor l Peer Trainer l Service Delivery Department
PeopleSupport (Philippines), Inc.
People Support Center, Ayala cor. Sen. Gil Puyat Avenues
Makati City

YouTube Video Awards

YOUTUBE: 2006 was a pioneering year for online video, user-created content and the YouTube community. You let us into your bedrooms, created new forms of entertainment, and radicalized popular culture. Now it's time to reflect on what a tremendous year it was and recognize the best of the best during the first YouTube Video Awards.

YouTube has recently handed out recognition for the 7 Best Videos of 2006 in the very first YouTube Video Awards.

After 5 days of fervent ranking, the YouTube community came up with the seven best videos in 7 categories.

OK Go was chosen as Most Creative

Smosh made the Best Comedy

thewinekone got Best Commentary

Ask A Ninja got Best Series (beating Lonelygirl15,who is pretty much the unofficial YouTube mascot)

Terra Naomi got Best Music Video

the Free Hugs Campaign got Most Inspirational

and Kiwi! won Most Adorable.

The Boy Who Loved Me

I folded up into a clump in the middle of a sea of love letters, holding my knees tightly to my chest, and sobbed. I was floundering, torn between the deep attachments of the past and the pressing need to let go of them forever.

I was almost ready to die.

Three months earlier I could have sworn that I was the luckiest guy alive. Now, I might as well have drowned in the Pacific Ocean, thousands of miles away from home.

My dark night began in the aftermath of my break-up with my boyfriend. After a fair share of fights and emotional battery, I decided to end the eight-month relationship with the only love I knew.

In a split-second, I morphed back from a blushing, young prince to a pale-faced, plain-looking, Abercrombie-wearing guy in Havaianas flip flops with only my iPod Nano as a companion. He stole my magic when he left.

He took away my life, my dreams, and my dog.

But how do you go about forgetting someone who once meant the world to you? How do you forget the moments that made your heart skip a beat? How do you forget the future you once hoped for?

He was my best friend, my twisted sunshine. He still is. He could walk into a room and light up my day, no matter how bad it was. He's the one person in the world who knows me better than anyone else. He was my soul mate. He's the one being who knew me, and accepted me, and believed in me before anyone else did or when no one else would. He made me want to be a better man to my friends, to others, to myself. To have bigger plans and brighter dreams. To have a better soul. He's a handsome bright young man whose sense of wonder and adventure unfortunately outstripped my own so much that it magnified other, smaller problems to a point where, well....here we are.

For the first time in months, I looked around my apartment and felt the utter loneliness. I am left with nothing but his sweet scent on my pillows. I am stunned, incapable of taking hold of the notion of loss. He no longer binds me, but my heart refuses to move on.

In my insecurity and solitude, I find solace in the fact that this is not the end. Remembering that what lies in store for us isn't always that which we immediately hope for.

Life has a room for a little of everything. Sometimes you dance with a partner, and sometimes you dance alone. But the important thing is to keep dancing.

I still die everyday. It still hurts badly. Letting go isn't a one-time thing, it's something you have to do everyday, over and over again.

Good luck my love.

I hope you find what you're looking for. That hope is only surpassed by my wish it had been me.

It Takes Balls

I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive:

you've got to flap your arms and legs…

you've got to jump around a lot…

you've got to make a lot of noise…

Because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living.

You've got to be noisy…

or at least your thoughts should be noisy and colorful and lively…

My Pockets Are Empty

I always had a dream that when I am asked to give an accounting of my life to a higher court, it will go like this:

"So, empty your pockets. What have you got left of your life? Any dreams that were unfulfilled? Any unused talents that we gave you when you were born that you still have left? Any unsaid compliments or bits of love that you haven't spread around?"

And I will answer, "I've nothing to return. I spent everything you gave me."

For 24 years, I have always done what I wanted to do. Call me a risk-taker but I am still doing it… Call me crazy… call it a shame but I am still saying it… That’s my simple life philosophy --- be what you want, do what you want, say and eat what you want, so long as you’re not stepping on anyone.

I wore the clothes I wanted to wear no matter how crazy they look or how expensive or cheap they were. But hey, I never looked like a fool with my choice of fashion.

I tried all types of hairstyle --- set it on gel… have it dyed… cut it really short… and grow it back again… I even had my head shaved several times (despite the cuts I get whenever I let them do it)…

I went to places I have always wanted to go… name it; I’ve been there.

If I want to say something, I’ll say it… If I want to say fuck you, I'm going to say fuck you. If you want to beep it out, go ahead and beep it out, but I will still say fuck you!

For me, life is to be enjoyed. It is to be lived and to be lived well.

So at the end of the day, my pockets are all empty… but my heart is full, my soul overflowing and my whole being jam-packed. . .

Chanelling Darkness

Darkness.

Only darkness. A darkness of pain, loneliness, and hopelessness.

I just finished reading a gay and lesbian oriented book yesterday. Very well written. Very poignant. Very upsetting. All too comparable to my own life. I need to write a paper on this book, but I couldn't do it tonight. I was too disturbed.

Then I read story updates on the gay romances I follow on the net. Most of the chapters to various stories were happy, uncomplicated episodes, but reading about gay couples happily enjoying a long-term companionship makes me sad.

I don't begrudge them their happiness - in my own way, I am happy for them - but every happy gay couple I see or hear about is simply a painful reminder of how alone I am and have so often been.

Reading these various chapters after finishing that book has left me very down.

Very alone...

Do you realize that this has nothing to do with sex? Can you understand that? I just need someone to hold and to hold me. I need someone that really wants to know my troubles and help me overcome them. I need someone that I can trust. Someone who won't laugh at me or belittle my fears and pains. Someone who won't hurt me, and someone who won't leave me.

I would give everything for someone like that...

All that I am, all I own, all my dreams, all my love, all my trust, all my mind, my body, my soul, my life - all that they might ever desire or need or hope for; no need would be too much; no risk would be too great; no price would be too high to pay.

But none of that matters.

No one will ever know.

No one cares.

All of my love lies with me in darkness.

Something for the Soul

Gracious God,

In the busy-ness of my day, I sometimes forget to stop to thank You for all that is good in my life.

My blessings are many and my heart is filled with gratefulness for the gift of living, for the ability to love and be loved, for the opportunity to see the everyday wonders of creation, for sleep and water, for a mind that thinks and a body that feels.

I thank you, too, for those things in my life that are less than I would hope them to be. Things that seem challenging, unfair, or difficult.

When my heart feels stretched and empty and pools of tears form in my weary eyes, still I rejoice that you are as near to me as my next breath and that in the midst of turbulence, I am growing and learning.

In the silence of my soul, I thank you most of all for your unconditional and eternal love.

Amen.

Half-Empty? Or Half-Full?

I've been told a zillion times that there are two ways of looking at things. Is the glass half-empty or half-full? I'm usually guilty of the former until recently when a girl named Aurora taught me that even if the glass is broken, it's just, well, glass.

I met Aurora very recently when I visited DLSU Medical Center in Dasmariñas to get some documents I needed for my US Visa application. I graduated as a PT at La Salle and took my licensure board exam in August of 2003. Upon arriving at the rehabilitation Department, I immediately noticed the pretty girl with pronounced facial paralysis. I asked my former clinical supervisor if she could let me assist in treating her for the day.

Upon looking at her clinical records, Aurora was diagnosed to have Bell's palsy. Bell's is defined as an acute, idiopathic, commonly unilateral, peripheral facial paralysis. Its cause is still unclear, and its development isn't well understood. But many doctors believe that a viral infection can cause the facial nerve to become swollen and injured. And while a mild case of Bell's palsy normally disappears within a month, recovery from a case involving total paralysis varies.

As for Aurora, the damage of her facial nerve was severe and would be irreversible.

Aurora was a former beauty title holder. She came from a prominent family and had a great life ahead of her. One morning, she felt numbness on the left side of her face accompanied by a buzzing sound in her ear. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Aurora's treatment involved a lot of facial exercises that includes movement of her eyes, nose, lips and tongue. It's amazing how she's able to smile after every exercise.

During the session, she asked me why I wanted to go abroad when our country needs medical skills. I was silent for a while. All of a sudden the thought of leaving the country came out like a bitter pill.

I reasoned that I needed to earn more money for the security of my family and for the realization of my dreams. After my explanation, she paused and smiled, "Our family have all the money, but even wealth can't make me smile normally again."

I looked at her and all of a sudden I felt small and embarrassed.

This was the response of a girl who was told by medical experts that she can never recover back to normal. Her queenly smile will forever be gone.

Shame, shame on me.

Problems can easily cloud our smiles. The colorful murals can all of a sudden transform to black and white canvasses. But in the middle of everything bad that happens, there lies opportunities. And our eyes should never be too tear-filled to see them. I guess, for people like Aurora, life will always be half-full.

My life is made up of years that mean nothing, and a moment with Aurora that meant it all.

Friendly Encounters

Of all relationships, friendship can be the most versatile and fulfilling because it is a gift bestowed willingly. Each person who receives your friendship should receive a part of you in the form of caring, concern, happiness, and support.

In return, you enjoy the companionship of your friends because they offer comfort, cheer, and a shoulder to cry on.

Like any relationship, however, friendship does not simply exist, but must be nurtured and encouraged to grow through actions, words, and reciprocal feelings. The first and most important aspect of being a good friend is treating others with the same respect and kindness with which you wish to be treated. Doing so can be a guide in forging friendships with others.

Being a good friend is easiest and most rewarding when you choose your friendships wisely. Friendships should be built upon a foundation of mutual trust, acceptance, and support. Show them you care, not just using words, but also using actions: Be courteous and kind, honest, and willing to compromise, and shy away from being overly critical.

When your friend encounters trouble, support their decision wholeheartedly, but always be willing to tell them when they're about to step onto a dangerous path. In doing so, you will help your friend flourish in their own way, while still being there for them. Really listen to and share in your friend's triumphs as well as their upsets with patience, kindness, and a sense of humor.

In any strong friendship, conflict will inevitably arise, but be willing to compromise and respect your friend's opinions. If they apologize, accept their apology with grace and forgive them promptly. Try to never hold a grudge, because holding on to negative emotions can put a strain on a friendship. Let your friend be who they are, not who you'd prefer them to be.

Friends don't always agree, but it's helpful to keep in mind that it's their enjoyment of each other's company that makes dealing with disagreements worthwhile.

There may be times when you feel ill equipped to be a good friend, but knowing and admitting this is just another part of a strong friendship. Your friend will understand that you, too, have issues of importance in your life.

Developing and maintaining rewarding and lasting friendships is a challenge, but one that yields beautiful results.

Unhappily Happy

Happiness does not depend on whether or not you always get your way. However, when you do choose happiness, events will more often go your way.

You do not need to accumulate a lot of things before you can be happy. Yet when you are happy, you'll open yourself up to all kinds of new abundance.

Happiness is not something that you can obtain by taking it from others. On the contrary, the more that happiness flows out from you, the more of it you will enjoy. If you limit your happiness only to certain specific situations or conditions, it will almost always elude you. Yet when you seek to bring happiness to every situation, it will be your constant companion.

Happiness is not the exclusive experience of just a lucky few. It is always there for anyone who is sincere and open enough to choose it.

Happiness is always there to choose, in any place, at any time, under a whole wide range of conditions.

Give happiness to the moments of life, and you will surely know it well.

A cup of coffee

Let me tell you a crazy story I heard recently. Sometime last year, a group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university lecturer...

Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life...

Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of
coffee and an assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain looking and some expensive
and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said...

If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones... While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the better
cups and are eyeing each other's cups.

Now, if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups... They are just tool to hold and contain life, but the quality of life doesn't change...

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it.

Confessions of a Callboy

Night is the land of dreams, and the graveyard shift the territory of dream weavers.

Midnight mist. Empty sidewalks. Flickering street lights. Deep inside the nocturnal hush of the city is the hum of young men and women in different call centers all over the country. Like a black cat in the night’s shadows, graveyard shift pounces in the strange but exhilarating life of call center agents.

It was my turn to take a rollicking plunge into the neon world of midnight workers when I started working for a contact center October of 2003. I got hired as a split-skilled customer-service-technical-support agent answering calls from irate irrational foreign customers and replying to poorly constructed email requests during downtime. Taking calls can be physically exhausting and emotionally blistering. On my first night on the job, I had a headache roughly the size of Araneta Coliseum.

Playing the part of a nocturnal animal doesn’t come naturally. For several months, I was constantly fighting against my body’s biological clock. But thanks to my lively co-workers I made it through my regularization.

A few weeks later, I got promoted as a supervisor. More than ever, my job requires me to be awake during my shift. So, while my internal circadian rhythm tells me to sleep, I struggle to keep my eyes open during client conference calls and QA-calibrations.

Call center life is not easy. The stakes always seem higher at night. Jeopardy is too close a companion. You never know what you'll find in the shadows. On top of that, no one respects the fact that you sleep during the daytime. You have to be to work at 11:00pm so friends and family think that you have all day to spend time with them on “weekends” and “holidays”. They don’t consider the fact that you don’t expect them to hang out with you at 3:00am on your days off. And when you are trying to sleep in the daytime, there’s always a loud sound tormenting you into a restless, half-awake misery.

But why do people stay?

Call centers offer a lucrative future. Agents are well-compensated and gets 20% night shift differential daily. That’s over Php3,500 a month on top of the basic pay. That’s Php3,500 to be working the shift where there are the most drunks, the highest crime rates, and the most number of co-workers who haven’t brushed their teeth for too long. That’s Php3,500 to work when everyone else, including your friends is out partying or snug in bed. That’s Php3,500 to work on Friday and Saturday nights, Christmas Eve and New Year.

But money isn’t the only reason for staying. As for me, the job security, the-come-whatever-time-you-want-flexi schedule, the work environment, the goodbye-to-traffic-on-my-way-to-work daily, the unlimited-surf-all-you-can-until-your-boss-catches-you access to the internet, and the culture that encourages people to develop, grow and take responsibility are reasons that will always keep me from venturing elsewhere.

And on these ghostly working hours, the many great thank-you-for-calling-customer-service-how-may-I-help-you colleagues can almost always drive the night sweats away.

Why the World Needs Superman

*Note: On the height of the Superman Returns Movie craze, I wrote a movie review about it that I submitted as an entry to Literati at fabuloush.com. And although that fabuloush and Circuit Asia Philippines no longer operates here, I thought of posting one of my winning articles here in my blog. So here it is. Hope you like it.

How can one stay self-motivated and productive in the midst of turbulent times when family can be strangers, beauty is superficial and wealth is man's best friend? In this day and age, it seems like only Superman can help save the world.

Thanks to director Bryan Singer, the Man of Steel, after a long visit to the lost remains of the planet Krypton, returns to earth to become the people's savior once again. I saw Superman Returns with my brother 3 days after its release. Regrettably, work schedule and unexpected conference calls prevented me from watching its premier night. My entire two and a half hours inside the theater was spent answering my brother's questions about certain scenes that he didn't quite understand.

My brother is a freshman engineering student at De La Salle. And although he grew up as a smart kid, he was never fascinated in reading DC comics. Or simply, he was never fascinated in reading at all.

In the lead up to the final scene, Lois Lane sits in front of her computer, at a loss for words as she attempts to write the exact opposite of her Pulitzer Prize winning editorial, titled "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman." I still stand firm that Superman Returns lacks heart.

However, the last ten minutes of the film perfectly encapsulates all that is amazing, heart-warning and fabuloushly touching about having Superman in our world.

But do we really need superman?

Maybe.

Maybe the world needs Superman for hope and inspiration. Maybe the world needs Superman for his dedication, heroism, decency and innocence. Maybe the world needs Superman for his bravery and boldness.

But while superman symbolizes justice, truth and freedom, the world needs more than a good-looking man in a tight fitting suit. We need ordinary people willing to do extraordinary deeds without asking anything in return.

We need people who have lived their lives in quiet heroism, love, accomplishment, and sacrifice to make the world a better place. We need people who do "what they need to do" one day, week, month and year at a time.

As the movie credits are being shown on the screen, my brother placed his arms on my shoulder and jokingly said, "I don't need Superman. I just need you kuya. Thanks for the movie treat."

Heroes, according to scholars, have something special that sets them apart from others in their field. Heroes can be peacekeepers, freedom fighters, earth watchers, special writers or ingenious artists. But in some rare occasions, heroes are disguised as brothers trying to enlighten a young inquisitive mind with a free movie pass, popcorn and iced tea.

I give 8 stars for the movie on its own merits. but a perfect ten for making me a hero to my brother and the absolute feeling of happiness I felt as we headed home from the theatre.

Moving Forward

Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them.

We don't need to suffer with them.

It doesn't help.

It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.

Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves.

We let them go, and let ourselves grow.

Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.

Conquering Fear

Anything worth doing will always have some fear attached to it.

For example, getting married, changing careers, migrating to a different country --- all of these life changes can bring up deep fears. It helps to remember that this type of fear is good. It is your way of questioning whether you really want the new life these changes will bring. It is also a potent reminder that releasing and grieving the past is a necessary part of moving into the new.

Fear has a way of throwing us off balance, making us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage us.

Its purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one.

Whenever we face our fear, we overcome an inner obstacle and move into new and life-enhancing territory, both inside and out. The more we learn to respect and even welcome fear, the more we will be able to hear its wisdom, wisdom that will let us know that the time has come to move forward, or not.

While comfort with fear is a contradiction in terms, we can learn to honor our fear, recognizing its arrival, listening to its intelligence, and respecting it as a harbinger of transformation. Indeed, it informs us that the change we are contemplating is significant, enabling us to approach it with the proper reverence.

You might wish to converse with your fear, plumbing its depths for a greater understanding of the change you are making. You could do this by sitting quietly in meditation and listening or by journaling.

Writing down whatever comes up --- your worries, your sadness, your excitement, your hopes --- is a great way to learn about yourself through the vehicle of fear and to remember that fear almost always comes alongside anything worth doing in your life.